It was a dark and horny night...

March 10, 2007 12:51 PM

His lips brushed her cheek as he let more of the weight of his arm and hand press against her torso. He spoke softly, “And this evening’s lead story, "No bombings, no robberies, no car accidents, no wars. Just {YOUR NAME HERE} and {YOUR S.O.'s NAME HERE} making love in a hammock on the Outer Banks."

Yep, for $50-120, you and the love of your life can have your very own customized romance novel. May the bosom-heaving and bodice ripping ensue.
posted by miss lynnster (46 comments total)

Well, if they don't have a title like Idyll in Gary, Indiana then there's something a bit lacking here. Seriously, is it so you can say you did that but not actually go to the sweaty bother?
posted by jet_silver at 1:13 PM on March 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

ColdChef crawled toward her, with a smile on his face and a gleam in his hazel eyes. "You're a very sexy woman when you're surrounded by currency," he said. He straddled miss lynster's body and quickly unbuttoned her blouse. Then he stuffed some of the bills into her bra.

Neat!
posted by ColdChef at 1:29 PM on March 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

$50-$120!?!? For "find-replace"?!??!
posted by SmileyChewtrain at 1:34 PM on March 10, 2007

"Awake, My Love unfolds as a romp through time set in your own hometown due to a car accident."

Huh?
posted by normy at 1:37 PM on March 10, 2007

Yeah baby! Stuff my bra with currency! (Legal tender only, please. I have taxes to pay.)
posted by miss lynnster at 1:41 PM on March 10, 2007

Oh I get it. They write a whole novel as per your request, based on a template.


So... $50-$120 for someone to write a whole novel!!!??!


I don't know which is more depressing.
posted by SmileyChewtrain at 1:41 PM on March 10, 2007

Don't forget the printing, binding & cover creation. $120 is for a hardcover with your photo on the cover. Always more expensive to create one book than print a bunch.
posted by miss lynnster at 1:46 PM on March 10, 2007

"It was a dark and horny night"... Catchy headlines sell the story
posted by growabrain at 2:02 PM on March 10, 2007

"Ohhh," quonsar responded. The sensation of his ardent advance made her tingle from head to toe. "You do know how to make me feel good."
"I hope so, because I love to make you feel good, Honey." mathowie relaxed his hug and brought his hand up to her chest, resting it under her breast, delicately caressing it.
posted by papakwanz at 2:03 PM on March 10, 2007

I didn't see any gay templates, did anyone else?
posted by arcticwoman at 2:03 PM on March 10, 2007

Real Personalized Romance!
We'll write your own story for $100,000. This is a lot different from ordering one of our personalized romance novels.

In short, for $100,000 plus expenses, yournovel.com will write a novel, in a similar length and fashion as their others, based on your own personal story.
posted by arcticwoman at 2:04 PM on March 10, 2007

"I can't believe my parents told us to behave!" Even the thought now made Tiffany angry. "How can they understand? Like this is 'play'."

"We were just holding hands!" Blake was upset as well. Admittedly, he had been hoping to sneak off into the night with Tiff and gently take her into his arms. His reverie had them tumbling to the ground, where they would...

"We should just run as fast from here as we can," Tiffany said. "It's dumb that we have to hide what we're doing--like we care what they say."

"Let's go! Let's just go now! No one is around!" Blake's idea caught them both off guard, and startled them into silence. Indeed, the beating of their hearts was the only sound.
posted by maxwelton at 2:24 PM on March 10, 2007 [5 favorites]

You get more words if you get the dirty version, it seems. (Is it just me, or does Shore Thing sound more like a horror than a romance?)
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:43 PM on March 10, 2007

$100,000 for a personalized novel? From them?

Look, if people want to buy custom erotica, I can do it for much less than that. And it'll actually be sexy, not the half-warmed leftovers of someone else's fantasy.

What? Yes, I write erotica. I write everything! Warning: it'll melt your socks right off. Use with caution.
posted by loquacious at 2:43 PM on March 10, 2007

find+replace | lpr | UPS

Sounds pretty reasonable to me. And by "reasonable", I mean "stupid".
posted by DU at 2:47 PM on March 10, 2007

Hell I'll write it for $35K, two for $50,
posted by edgeways at 2:58 PM on March 10, 2007

Mister_A whipped out his impressive rig. "I beat off the Assyrian invaders with this," he gloated.

"Now I guess I'll have to beat you off with it," MeFi#53274 purred with a twinkle in her eye.
posted by Mister_A at 3:09 PM on March 10, 2007

Yes, I don't think I can imagine anything more romantic than a fomulaic romance novel run through Mad Libs-style automatic search and replace.
posted by Rhomboid at 3:14 PM on March 10, 2007

I'll do it for $25k, but it's going to have zombies in it. Possibly aliens as well. And while I'm not a fan of tentacle rape, it can sometimes be a useful literary device. You know, as a way of framing the narrative.

I draw the line at furries though. That shit is just sick.

Also, I make no guarantees that you or your significant other will actually make it to the end of the story. Sometimes love withers on the vine. Sometimes it has it's brain eaten by alien controlled zombies who get their kicks 'probing' people, if you know what I mean.
posted by quin at 3:15 PM on March 10, 2007 [5 favorites]

Little does future Mefite #53274 know what he/she will be signing up for...
posted by miss lynnster at 3:22 PM on March 10, 2007

All's fair in MetaFiction! [NOT 53274IST]
posted by Mister_A at 3:44 PM on March 10, 2007

Given that most novelists get an advance of about $5000-10,000 (if that), that's excellent pay for fiction writers.
posted by Maias at 3:56 PM on March 10, 2007

So, if I follow your logic, quin, you'll write hardcore zombie alien tentacle rape porn for free? Email is in profile.
posted by loquacious at 4:01 PM on March 10, 2007

Homer: "My name is Sherriff Lisa Simpson. My favorite food is french fries & my favorite book is magazine."
posted by scalefree at 4:25 PM on March 10, 2007

These books should come with a warning.

"Giving this book to your significant other will get you broken up with."
posted by juliplease at 4:57 PM on March 10, 2007

Porn huh? I could be persuaded to write porn for free, or at least a percent of the gross when the numbers come back in. But romance? Ick. You are going to have to pay me up front for that.

And romance with feelings? [Shudders] Yeah, you are going to have to pay me a lot for that.
posted by quin at 5:05 PM on March 10, 2007

They're kidding, right? This is like Mary Sue for extremely lazy people.
posted by ZachsMind at 5:12 PM on March 10, 2007

Isn't it terribly difficult to have sex in a hammock?
posted by b33j at 5:36 PM on March 10, 2007

Hoochymail does something similar for free. Basically Ad-libs, but hotter.
posted by divabat at 5:39 PM on March 10, 2007

Yes, I write erotica.

I hate to tell you this loq, but erotica rarely involves the words "I put on my robe and wizard hat".
posted by flaterik at 5:39 PM on March 10, 2007 [3 favorites]

Well that's my brother's wedding present decided on then, thanks ms. lynnster.
posted by jamesonandwater at 7:49 PM on March 10, 2007

Scalefree, you don't know Lisa AT ALL!!!

Her favourite food is McNuggets!

You are the worst dad ever.
posted by cerulgalactus at 8:29 PM on March 10, 2007

I hate to tell you this loq, but erotica rarely involves the words "I put on my robe and wizard hat".
posted by flaterik at 5:39 PM PST on March 10 [1 favorite +]

I put on my robe and wizard hat. Oh poo! the wizard hat always ruined my glossy curls so I fluffed them as I waited for him to show up in his carriage to take us to the Halloween Ball held at the 5 Star Diner every year. Our town's biggest event until that damn car loaded with lover's tearing off each other's heaving bosoms changed the way we live in this town. Didn't they know the secret? Wear something furry under that robe...
posted by infini at 8:53 PM on March 10, 2007

I hate to tell you this loq, but erotica rarely involves the words "I put on my robe and wizard hat".

*barely resists pasting something everyone would regret*
posted by loquacious at 9:20 PM on March 10, 2007

I hate to tell you this loq, but erotica rarely involves the words "I put on my robe and wizard hat".

Harry snapped off the TV. This particular manifestation of muggle technology had never fascinated him before, but recently some of what he saw was compelling. In particular, some of the commercials (of all things!) were fascinating.

Indeed, there was a constant pressing need he was tired of coming to grips with--Harry desperately wanted someone else to do so instead. Inspired by the television, he grabbed a quill, scribbled out a couple of lines, and summoned Hedwig.

With a flutter of wings the owl was off into the night, as Harry feverishly watched from his window.

The Coors commercial had been absolutely correct, there really could be nothing better--and he hoped Parvati and Padma would accept his invitation to his "magic sleepover."
posted by maxwelton at 9:28 PM on March 10, 2007

"...until that damn car loaded with lovers tearing off each other's heaving bosoms..."

Wow. That sounds awfully painful.
posted by miss lynnster at 9:32 PM on March 10, 2007

These books should come with a warning.

"Giving this book to your significant other will get you broken up with."

That is the sort of thing up with which I will not put.
posted by spaceman_spiff at 9:41 PM on March 10, 2007

From the reviews page:

Before I received the book I was skeptical about what I was going to receive. When I received the book I was very impressed with the size and appearance.
posted by scody at 12:59 AM on March 11, 2007

"...until that damn car loaded with lovers tearing off each other's heaving bosoms..."

Wow. That sounds awfully painful.
posted by miss lynnster 4 ¼ hours ago

er... I skipped over the dirty bits... they were boring. Now anyone remember rifling through Harold Robbins potboilers as a pre teen for the naughty bits?
posted by infini at 1:43 AM on March 11, 2007

:p
posted by infini at 1:46 AM on March 11, 2007

I would probably consider buying a crazy horror novel, but romance?

From the FAQ: 18. Is there drinking in the books?
Our characters will drink alcohol in social settings, but the characters do not lose control of their ability to know right from wrong. Champagne and other alcoholic drinks play into toasts.

But I want my character to get shitfaced and violent in my novel. It's my novel, after all. I should get to choose what happens.
posted by sveskemus at 5:14 AM on March 11, 2007

Oh, and from the excerpt from the "wild" version of New Mexico Nights:

“I feel something knocking at my door,” Ann teased him in a low, sultry voice.
“It’s not a door I’m interested in,” John returned, “unless that’s what you’re calling it these days.”
She pushed her body against him. “Mmm, the door of love.”

The door of love? Seriously!? They could at least have made the novels hot.
posted by sveskemus at 5:20 AM on March 11, 2007

I'm disapointed by the lack of bodices. I want my cheesy romance complete with historically inaccurate social situations! And possibly an understanding of complex past societies based entirely on reading too many costume books.
posted by jb at 8:29 AM on March 11, 2007

I don't have loquacious's sense of self-control. Enjoy.

bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty Fuck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't fuck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of shit.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?
posted by scalefree at 9:11 AM on March 12, 2007

And just for good measure...

BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the fuck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh shit
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you fuck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh shit
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something
posted by scalefree at 12:28 PM on March 12, 2007

arcticwoman: Here's what their FAQ says:

29. Do you have any books that can be used for same-sex partners?
All of our books are about a man and a woman in love, so the pronouns and body parts are masculine/feminine and cannot be changed.

posted by etoile at 12:51 PM on March 12, 2007