Bill O'Reilly Duct Tape

March 17, 2007 4:51 AM

Shut Up TapeIt's what all the fashionable abusers are putting over their spouses' mouths these days. Of course, there are more socially acceptable uses, like in movie theaters or anywhere cell phones are overused. And police departments are buying it by the case for crowd control. Don't put guests with opposing viewpoints on your talk show without it!
posted by wendell (37 comments total)

Odd.
posted by itchylick at 5:04 AM on March 17, 2007

I wonder if that's the brand Johnny Hart buys.
posted by Wolfdog at 5:17 AM on March 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

There's a New Country song in here somewhere. Imagine this with one o' them driving honkytonk beats behind it:

She's got a "let's dance" skirt,
And some "do me" boots,
And "kiss me" lipstick on her purty red mouth.
If she talks as much as her things I'm in trouble tonight.
Better tape her up
On that pretty red mouth
With the only thing that I'll let talk for me.
Gonna need some "SHUT UP" tape to do it right.

Yee-haw!
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 5:25 AM on March 17, 2007

Right then. What do I need to do to ensure cortex never records that song?
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:33 AM on March 17, 2007

The quintessential lifestyle navigator?
posted by DenOfSizer at 5:35 AM on March 17, 2007

This is fine as a joke, of course, but...

Ever had someone make a serious effort to tape your mouth shut? I have. I've also been on the other end of the roll, as it were. I'm of the firm opinion that it can't be done very effectively for very long. You just move your lips and jaw around until the stuff starts to come loose. Every time I see a mouth-taping scene in a movie, I just kind of ignore it as a necessary hollywoodism, like every living person having a phone number with a 555 exchange.

And another thing. It'd be difficult to get an uncooperative individual to hold their head still long enough to get the tape on them. I suppose if you're the police and you have them in custody, you can threaten to taze (tase?) or pepper-spray them. And if it's a more, shall we say, intimate encounter, there are all manner of threats and rewards that can induce cooperation.

By the way... if anyone does know of an escape proof mouth-taping method, my email's in my profile.
posted by Clay201 at 6:07 AM on March 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

But how do you use the "safety word?"
posted by sourwookie at 6:12 AM on March 17, 2007

sourwookie:

There are different variations on the 'silent safe word'. I've used three taps of the hand. There's the classic "give them something to hold; if they drop it, you stop." But I'm pretty clumsy and absent-minded, so I don't care for that one when I'm on the bottom. And you can still make noise when your mouth is taped, so communication is still possible, albeit in a rather crude and limited form.
posted by Clay201 at 6:28 AM on March 17, 2007

I'd think a couple of times around the head with good quality gaffer's tape would do it, no? I've been seeing some kind of "painless" tape that only sticks to itself at the drug store, perhaps that might come into play.
posted by StickyCarpet at 6:29 AM on March 17, 2007

StickyCarpet,

Will give the gaffer's tape a try next time I have a chance. Thanks. As for the painless tape... sounds like it might actually make this particular task more difficult. For binding the wrists or ankles, though, it might work well.
posted by Clay201 at 6:49 AM on March 17, 2007

Clay201, just stuff a sock or a ball in the mouth, big enough to immobilize the jaw, and wrap the tape tightly around the head a few times, making sure to tape from just below the nose to under the chin. Attempts to loosen the tape by moving the lips are difficult when the lips are stretched wide open; trying to break free will interfere with attempts to breathe, so the victim will give up in favor of survival. Bonus points for muzzling the victim with something filthy enough to trigger a gag reflex: when the fight is between gagging and breathing, wriggling free is forgotten.

If the victim is blindfolded, thrown in a trunk, and driven around for a while, they might sweat some of the adhesive loose, but a good tight wrap and bewilderment are on your side.

Happy motoring!
posted by breezeway at 6:50 AM on March 17, 2007 [10 favorites]

Well, this thread certainly took a turn for the WTF.
posted by danb at 7:05 AM on March 17, 2007 [8 favorites]

breeze,

I've tried similar methods and the tongue could still, usually, be used to push the gag out. Maybe I just didn't use enough tape. I'll play around with it.
posted by Clay201 at 7:25 AM on March 17, 2007

it's also useful for the parents of 12 year old girls as an indiscriminate fellatio preventative.
posted by quonsar at 7:38 AM on March 17, 2007 [3 favorites]

But the most important thing is I don't buy it. I simply menace that you either shush or I'll call 10 freepers and have you try to argument rationally in their presence. That'd shut anybody up, or the LOLs will cover everything anyway.
posted by elpapacito at 7:40 AM on March 17, 2007

Is there an online version?
posted by jonmc at 7:45 AM on March 17, 2007

MMMMffffff
posted by caddis at 7:51 AM on March 17, 2007

Yeah, Clay201, you need a lot of stuffing and a lot of tape, but just as important is to get the tape real tight so the tongue's really mashed back in there.

Oh, and try not to pistol-whip a gagged victim. The head swells up and can constrict the airway; with a gag on, that can be fatal, and instead of a potentially useful victim, you end up with a disposal problem.
posted by breezeway at 7:55 AM on March 17, 2007

The online version is you tape a cat to their keyboard.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:56 AM on March 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

Oh-kay, I thought I liked my Metafilter chums, but I'm not taking a drink off of any of you unless I've personally seen the container be unsealed. And what danb said.
posted by imperium at 8:00 AM on March 17, 2007

Mental note: do not attend meetup with Clay201 and breezeway. Definitely give it a miss if scarabic is there as well.
posted by slimepuppy at 8:01 AM on March 17, 2007 [2 favorites]

I flagged this as noise before I saw the comments.

quonsar: what makes you think the fathers would be in favor of such? (What? Statistics are on my side.)
posted by Ynoxas at 8:07 AM on March 17, 2007

Is there an online version?

They're called moderators
posted by srboisvert at 8:14 AM on March 17, 2007

I have tried to immobilize someone with tape before. (Long story, it was a practical joke of sorts) I had over 100 pounds on the tapee, and was working with a friend who had at least 50 pounds. We were using gaffer tape and we had a hell of a time getting him taped. Even small shifts of his limbs would cause the tape to bunch and twist, dramatically reducing how effectively it adhered. As for getting a tight wrap, forget about it.

Now maybe it was just that tape doesn't adhere to clothes well, or maybe we didn't use enough tape. But still, it seems fraught with difficulty compared to, say, ropes or cuffs or chains.
posted by Grimgrin at 8:37 AM on March 17, 2007

Grimgrin, when taping someone up, don't bother with the fancy expensive gaffer tape. Cheap cheap cheap off-brand "duct" tape has a stickier, gooeyer, gummier adhesive that actually works better on clothes and flesh. Also, the fibres in the fabric backing are thicker and stiffer and resists bunching better.

Ropes, cuffs, or chains? Zip ties, my good man.
posted by porpoise at 9:29 AM on March 17, 2007

Odd, we were testing this very theory in my house last week, tried all kinds of tape with no luck. Ive come to the conclusion that out of all the ways Ive seen people gagged in movies the only way that would work is, a big sock or something like that shoved into the mouth and then a rope or something equally pliable tied around the head tightly keeping the sock in. Tape just wont do it, unless maybe you use ALOT of highly reinforced tape.
posted by trishthedish at 9:33 AM on March 17, 2007

I've always viewed tape as a short term restraint. Not something your would use as a permanent way of holding someone, as breezeway indicated above, it's useful for the snatch-and-grab kind of scenario where their confusion is already working to your advantage.

Zip ties are probably a better option, but again, only as a temporary measure.

As to gagging, I don't see a need. They can't scream if they are kept sedated, and once you need to interrogate them, it should be done in a place where their noises won't be heard anyway.

/This is, of course a purely speculative, hypothetical intellectual exercise right? Don't try this at home kids, we are trained professionals with years of experience which keeps us safe.
posted by quin at 9:44 AM on March 17, 2007

But how do you use the "safety word?"

Easy. My safety word is "Mmmghfff!"
posted by Devils Rancher at 9:54 AM on March 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

Clay201 - Every time I see a mouth-taping scene in a movie, I just kind of ignore it as a necessary hollywoodism

Hmm, didn't the duct-tape gag Mr. Blonde used on the policeman in Reservoir Dogs come off when he was being doused with gasoline - a rather good organic solvent?

I wonder if it was actually gasoline...
posted by porpoise at 1:50 PM on March 17, 2007

Next up: 'Shut up and sleep with me. Come on why don't you sleep with me' tape.
posted by jimmythefish at 2:27 PM on March 17, 2007

You can't tape a person's mouth shut when their jaw is on the floor (Tex Avery style) as mine is right now.
posted by wendell at 3:51 PM on March 17, 2007

What hath god wrought
posted by mrnutty at 4:02 PM on March 17, 2007

That's true wendell, but a good stout nail would fix it in place achieving the same effect. :)
posted by quin at 4:08 PM on March 17, 2007

I'd call you all a bunch of sick perverts, but really, I'm having way too much fun reading this thread.
posted by Phire at 4:19 PM on March 17, 2007

Apparently I've stumbled into BDSMfilter.
posted by Target Practice at 7:57 PM on March 17, 2007

You just need some 100MPH tape. Try a surplus store :)
posted by SeanMac at 9:53 PM on March 17, 2007

Flylady spin-off TheBratFactor.com earnestly encourages grown adults to tape their own mouths shut with their special "Mouth Traps" - stickers with messages on them such as These are supposed to "... give you time to think before complaining, snacking, smoking, drinking or whining. Keep your Mouth Traps in strategic places where you know you tend to be tempted. All you have to do is catch the first thought (which comes with a parade of similar thoughts) and slap on a Mouth Trap"
posted by slightlybewildered at 9:58 PM on March 18, 2007