He ate a lot of sandwiches -- who doesn’t man, sandwiches are easy to eat.

March 26, 2007 4:16 AM

Comedian Mitch Hedberg died two years ago this Thursday. On March 29, see if a local deli will severely ruin their reputation as a tribute to his memory.
posted by myopicman (50 comments total)

I'm gonna go to a Subway and get some free subs for some ducks.
posted by inconsequentialist at 4:24 AM on March 26, 2007 [1 favorite]

i like the duck idea...

...but re: Mitch (who I've never heard of) -- you know, there are worse ways to be remembered in this world. Go for it, Mitch fans!
posted by davidmsc at 4:49 AM on March 26, 2007

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-size bed, wondering where my brother was.
posted by Mach5 at 5:00 AM on March 26, 2007

On Mitch's "business" card:

"Mitch Hedberg - Potential Lunch Winner"
posted by inconsequentialist at 5:09 AM on March 26, 2007

but re: Mitch (who I've heard of) -- I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."
posted by basicchannel at 5:58 AM on March 26, 2007

those ants didn't farm shit.
posted by Stynxno at 6:15 AM on March 26, 2007

"I hate protesting, but I don't know how to show it"
posted by meta_eli at 6:16 AM on March 26, 2007

The original memorial thread with lots of great hedberg quotes.
posted by srboisvert at 6:44 AM on March 26, 2007

Dammit, Otto, you have lupus!!
posted by Ufez Jones at 7:05 AM on March 26, 2007

Thanks for introducing me to this guy. Highlight of my day.
posted by slimepuppy at 7:31 AM on March 26, 2007

Having bought a few domino's pizzas here in the UK I am on their mailing list. They send me brochures and such addressed to "pizza lover". I alternate between an internal hedberg monotone and a beanie man chant when I read the envelope. Makes my day while I put the brochures in the recycling bag.
posted by srboisvert at 7:42 AM on March 26, 2007

People on the 14th floor: you know which floor you're really on. Jump out the window, you will die EARLIER!
posted by dr_dank at 7:45 AM on March 26, 2007

There is no depression that can't be cured by reading a good 20 minutes worth of Hedberg quotes.
posted by spicynuts at 7:49 AM on March 26, 2007

Where are the Dufresnes? Who can eat at a time like this?
posted by SaintCynr at 8:07 AM on March 26, 2007 [2 favorites]

do you believe in heck?
posted by ambulance blues at 8:41 AM on March 26, 2007

Escalator Permanently Stairs.
posted by LordSludge at 8:49 AM on March 26, 2007 [2 favorites]

I'm still pissed that he's dead. What a waste.
posted by WinnipegDragon at 9:02 AM on March 26, 2007

I rarely drive steamboats, Dad.
posted by CRM114 at 9:07 AM on March 26, 2007 [1 favorite]

Never really heard a whiff of rancor in any of his routines. That alone made him stand out in my mind.
posted by RavinDave at 9:10 AM on March 26, 2007

Alright - who ordered Neil Hamburger?
posted by Smart Dalek at 9:11 AM on March 26, 2007

"It's like X didn't have enough to do so they had to promise it more. "Okay, you won't start a lot of words, but you will have a co-starring role in Tic-Tac-Toe. And you will be equated with hugs and kisses. And you will mark the spot. And you will make writing 'Christmas' easier. And you will incidentally start 'xylophone.' Are you happy now, you fucking X?"

I miss that guy.
posted by edverb at 9:25 AM on March 26, 2007

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."
posted by digaman at 9:27 AM on March 26, 2007 [1 favorite]

Don't go to Dr. Acula.

That is all.
posted by gcbv at 9:28 AM on March 26, 2007 [1 favorite]

About three months before he died, I saw him perform in Seattle. He was on a double billed tour with Steven Lynch. There was also another comedian acting as MC who was also not that funny. So, we sat through a lousy MC and an unfunny Lynch to finally see Mitch show up.

While he was still hilarious, there were parts that were pretty depressing. Mitch was clearly unhappy that most of the audience seemed to be there for Steven. The two fanbases seemed to have very little crossover, Steven Lynch fans wever being obnoxious pricks and yelling at Mitch. No doubt this had gone on the whole time during the tour.

Mitch was also out of it. Very, very out of it. Like, repeating the some jokes with equal enthusiasm each time, then realizing what he had done. It wasn't until he made a throwaway joke that everything clicked. He took a sip from his water glass, then a sip from an orage juice glass and stated, "Water in Seattle tastes like shit. I gotta chase it with orange juice." After a moment of confused silence, he continued, "That was a vodka joke." He got progressively drunker as the set went on, to the point of nocking over his stool and drink with the microphone chord. The set ended with him yelling angrily at the MC when he came out to get Mitch off the stage (Mitch had gone over for time).

When I found out he died, all I could think about was how miserable and numbed Mitch was during that show. From that moment on, I have blamed Steven Lynch and his stupid songs for Mitch's death.

Fuck you, Steven. I still miss Mitch.
posted by piratebowling at 9:32 AM on March 26, 2007 [1 favorite]

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."

I think he's quit drugs since then, though.
posted by miss lynnster at 9:59 AM on March 26, 2007

On a traffic light red means stop, yellow means slow down, and green means go.

But on a banana it's the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means "Where the fuck did you get that banana at?"
posted by drjimmy11 at 10:01 AM on March 26, 2007

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, "Hey... Hold on fellows... Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me?We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.

Also, I would not eat that sandwich. It sounds unpleasant.
posted by infinitywaltz at 10:47 AM on March 26, 2007

think of his stuff constantly. miss ya mitch.
posted by jcruelty at 10:55 AM on March 26, 2007

Hey, that sandwich can't be worse than an Oki Dog. The urban legend years ago was that Sam Kinison ate an Oki dog almost every day. If true, then it makes sense that he yelled so much. The guy must've had some severe perpetual heartburn.
posted by miss lynnster at 11:01 AM on March 26, 2007

Miss Lynnster, there was also a punk rock song--I don't remember who it was by--about the death of Germs singer Darby Crash, that went "I don't want no Oki Dog / Darby died of an Oki Dog!"
posted by infinitywaltz at 11:12 AM on March 26, 2007

I can't believe it's been two years. He's still missed.
posted by LeeJay at 11:13 AM on March 26, 2007

Who the fuck would make their plants hards to reach? That seems so very mean.
posted by ORthey at 12:13 PM on March 26, 2007

I consider myself quite lucky to have seen him perform live. As hilarious as his quotes are, his delivery makes them perfect.
posted by graventy at 12:14 PM on March 26, 2007

I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with people standing around saying "Hey, we ain't gotta fix shit!" is my motto in life.

RIP, Mitch.
posted by donajo at 12:29 PM on March 26, 2007

Escalator Permanently Stairs.

We apologize for the convenience.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 1:02 PM on March 26, 2007

infinitywaltz- that was Youth Gone Mad
posted by InfidelZombie at 1:41 PM on March 26, 2007 [1 favorite]

graventy --"...his delivery makes them perfect."


I was walkin by a dry cleaner at 3 am and the sign said, "Sorry, we're closed."
You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 am and you're a dry cleaner.
It would be ridiculous of me to expect you to be open.
I'm not gonna walk in at 10 and say, "Hey, man. I walked by at 3 and you guys were closed. Somebody owes me an apology."
posted by jaronson at 2:19 PM on March 26, 2007

InfidelZombie, thank you forever!
posted by infinitywaltz at 3:12 PM on March 26, 2007

I don't have a girlfriend. But there's someone who would be very angry if she heard me say that.

What a freakin' waste of talent. Take care man, wish you'd stayed longer.
posted by bardic at 3:48 PM on March 26, 2007

Now don't get me wrong. I love Stephen Wright. Not Lynch. I mean Wright. That other guy.

I wonder which is worse. Dying young and leaving a good looking corpse that the whole world notices, or staying alive for a century and maybe getting a brief obit in the paper when you go? If they mention you on NPRs Morning Edition when you die of old age, you'd consider yourself lucky.

Hedburg died early. Kinison died early. Richard Jeni was less than fifty. Douglas Adams. Belushi. Kauffman. Radner. Farley. These guys we'll always remember for their words, their delivery, their unique vantage points on reality.

If Wright died young like these other guys did, we'd have a day of mourning every year for him too. Instead, what will we have for Stephen Wright? Even if he died tomorrow, it's too late. I wish Stephen Wright coulda died young. Like, Marilyn Monroe young. I'm sure Stephen Wright is probably perfectly happy living and doing whatever he's doing but when he does go, he will go not with a bang but a whimper.

Stephen Wright won't get his own day.

Decades from now, I hope Stephen Lynch is sitting alone in an old folks home staring out at the window as the last remnants of coherent thought fade away, before Alzheimer's disease takes his brain into oblivion, he'd say to himself, "was I ever really that funny? I can't remember..."

Lynch? I hope he lives to a very ripe old age, and no one notices his passing.
posted by ZachsMind at 4:14 PM on March 26, 2007

Oh, I love me some Steven Wright.
posted by miss lynnster at 4:27 PM on March 26, 2007

I just read what I just wrote. My God, but I'm a morbid son of a gun.

...not morbid enough though.

Hey! How about this? I hope all the souls of the funniest comedians who died before their time all come back to life reincarnated as predatory zoo animals, and they grow up and they're all in the same zoo, and Stephen Lynch visits that zoo with his family, wandering around the place all drunk and crazy without a care in the world, and then some little mischieveous kid, who's really the reincarnated soul of Richard Pryor, secretly lets out all the animals on a lark, and all the reincarnated souls of comedians turned into zoo animals hunt Stephen Lynch down and eat him alive.

There. Now THAT's morbid.
posted by ZachsMind at 4:43 PM on March 26, 2007

Wow, I've never even heard of an Oki-Dog before, now I want to try one. It definitely looks more appealing than the Mitch, which falls into one of my friend's guidelines of "one too many ingredients to be tasty".

The number of delis on the list has doubled! ...to 2. Even Mitch's widow gives it an endorsement. Even the six ducks outside that all want Sun Chips like it too!
posted by myopicman at 6:06 PM on March 26, 2007

Escalator Permanently Stairs.

Sorry for the convenience.

(Not to be too picky, but I think the quote is "Escalator temporarily stairs.")
posted by inconsequentialist at 7:41 PM on March 26, 2007

Imagine trying to fly a chair. You'd have to run like a motherfucker.

A few months ago at work I ran across the wikiquote page edverb linked above. I went to save it, but unfortunately the 'save' button and the 'print' button are really close together...
The boss, of course, was standing right next to the printer, wondering what 35 page document I really needed...
posted by krakedhalo at 8:14 PM on March 26, 2007

I wasn't getting all the Stephen Lynch hate, and I found myself wondering why the Lynch fans would be antagonistic toward Mitch Hedberg when it seemed like they should actually have a fair amount of stuff in common.

Then I realized I was thinking of Liam Lynch, so never mind. Hate on, Hedberg fans.
posted by infinitywaltz at 10:36 PM on March 26, 2007

inconsequentialist: (Not to be too picky, but I think the quote is "Escalator temporarily stairs.")

Yeah, but he's dead, so they're like permanent and stuff.

I thought it'd look good on his headstone. (Or the intertube equivalent: a tribute blog.)
posted by LordSludge at 6:23 AM on March 27, 2007

I hear a ghostly voice from beyond the grave...

"You can have a life saver. It'll have to be the one after the pineapple though, which is probably cherry. Everybody likes cherry. It's everyone's favorite."

Gee, I dunno if it's everyone's favorite, Mitch.

"C'mon, man. You look at things too deeply. Cherry's good."

Yeah. You're right Mitch. Cherry is good. You're still funny. I guess we can let Stephen Lynch live a full and productive life and not take our frustrations out on him cuz you're dead and he's not.

"What? You kiddin' me? Kick his ass for me. I'd do it myself, but I got these wings on my back, and they'd slow me down in a fight."

Gee, Mitch! Thanks!

"Unless it was a dog fight. I'd kick ass in a dog fight, if it were up against other dogs. Why they call it a dog fight? They ain't got wings. Or maybe up here they do? That's why they say 'all dogs go to heaven.' I been up here awhile tho, and I ain't seen one."

Uh.. right Mitch. Thanks.

"Maybe they saw a cat. What would be heaven for a dog? Catching the cat."
posted by ZachsMind at 8:37 AM on March 27, 2007

When I used to gig at the Improv in Irvine, part of the deal was "regulars" could attend shows for free, provided they called the manager ahead of time to reserve seats. So I called up to see Mitch Hedberg perform (my name is also Mitch, btw. Though I spell it "Mitcz") and I ask the girl answering phones for the manager. She said "can I say who's calling?" I said "yeah. this is Mitch" and she went off for about 2 minutes about how great my performance the other night was. (I actually had performed earlier that week). I said "well... thank you. Surprised you caught that. It means a lot. I've only done like 2-3 gigs so far, so that means a lot" and she said "ohh c'mon.. everyone loves Mitch Hedberg". Then I had to break it to her that I was the "OTHER funny Mitch".

Later that night, I got to meet Hedberg after his performance. I had his first CD (with the original site that was bought by a porn company after the domain expired - but the discs were already printed) and I handed it to him to sign it. He said "what's your name?" I said "I'm mitch, too. And I'm also a comedian".

In true Hedberg fashion, he whipped out a Sharpie and wrote..

"To Mitch² - Keep it funny".

What a guy. Wish he could've stuck around a little longer.
posted by revmitcz at 1:59 PM on March 27, 2007 [3 favorites]

. & . , & .
posted by kozad at 9:48 PM on March 29, 2007