Saint John-Paul

March 31, 2007 11:56 AM

One down and one to go.
posted by bobbyelliott (69 comments total)

John Paul II cured my tendency to type "teh" instead of "the." AFTER HE DIED!
posted by found missing at 11:59 AM on March 31, 2007

john paul ii cured my cigars
posted by pyramid termite at 12:05 PM on March 31, 2007

John Paul II cured this ham we had for dinner last night. It was divine.
posted by monju_bosatsu at 12:07 PM on March 31, 2007 [7 favorites]

John Paull II cured for the bus this morning.
posted by nthdegx at 12:11 PM on March 31, 2007

Second one down. Beatify away.
posted by miss lynnster at 12:11 PM on March 31, 2007

John Paul II saved me a bunch of money on car insurance.
posted by champthom at 12:12 PM on March 31, 2007 [2 favorites]

John Paul II gave miraculous massages.
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:14 PM on March 31, 2007

John Paul II told me I have AIDS.
posted by interrobang at 12:15 PM on March 31, 2007 [2 favorites]

The picture in the second link is excellent. He seems to be saying, "Wha....a saint? Lil' old me? C'mon!"
posted by Turtles all the way down at 12:18 PM on March 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

John Paul George Ringo.
posted by sourwookie at 12:19 PM on March 31, 2007 [2 favorites]

John Paul II cured me of my need to believe in mythology. He also cured my naive belief in miracles.
posted by DU at 12:20 PM on March 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

John Paul II gave me herpes.
posted by chasing at 12:21 PM on March 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

From beyond the grave John Paul II had pizza delivered to my house last night.
posted by ericb at 12:24 PM on March 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

let me guess - kielbasa instead of pepperoni?
posted by pyramid termite at 12:27 PM on March 31, 2007 [2 favorites]

John Paul II is up in ur heavenz, curin ur Parkinsons.
posted by jimmythefish at 12:30 PM on March 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

John Paul II gave me some frozen holy water on stick. He called it a popesicle.
posted by rhymer at 12:32 PM on March 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

I don't get what the big deal is. I perform miracles all the time.

Of course, most of them happened before my birth. And many of them involved horrible things happening, but they were miraculous nonetheless.

And I never get any credit.
posted by quin at 12:33 PM on March 31, 2007

I bet kielbasa on a pizza would be pretty good.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 12:34 PM on March 31, 2007

John Paul II customized my van.
posted by bunnytricks at 12:34 PM on March 31, 2007

John Paul II and 99 of his friends screwed in all of my light bulbs.
posted by EatTheWeak at 12:35 PM on March 31, 2007 [2 favorites]

This mystery nun. . . I picked up some bad habits when I dated her. She is not below reproach.
posted by isopraxis at 12:38 PM on March 31, 2007

John Paul II: Electric Boogaloo
posted by unsupervised at 12:38 PM on March 31, 2007 [2 favorites]

John Paul spits demm hott riddums-- no wait, that was Sean Paul.
posted by jne1813 at 12:43 PM on March 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

Eh.

While, in general, the quality of the Onion's commentary has suffered as its writers have become wealthier, more successful and less relentlessly nihilistic, they're still pretty angry about Christians. Consequently, their Pope coverage has been pretty incisive:

Pope Condemns Three More Glands
Aging Pope 'Just Blessing Everything In Sight,' Say Concerned Handlers
Heaven Less Opulent Than Vatican, Reports Disappointed Pope
Pope Emerges From Chrysalis A Beautiful Butterfly
Pope Died As He Lived: Propped Up For Public Viewing

lolxtians
posted by killdevil at 12:45 PM on March 31, 2007 [3 favorites]

John Paul II stopped the chocolate Jesus.

Fun fact: "Stopping the chocolate Jesus" is really dirty slang or at least it could be.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 12:46 PM on March 31, 2007

Excuse me, I've got to drop chocolate Jesus off at the pool.
posted by found missing at 12:48 PM on March 31, 2007

. . . still waiting for The Last Chocolate Supper.
posted by isopraxis at 12:49 PM on March 31, 2007

JP2 gave me mad rhymin' skillz.
posted by Terminal Verbosity at 12:56 PM on March 31, 2007

John Paul II convinced me to not wank a IIIrd time to teh gay.
posted by moonbird at 1:01 PM on March 31, 2007

Beautification is the the Holy See's Medal of freedom giveaway
posted by growabrain at 1:05 PM on March 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

One lousy miracle. Pshaw. That's peanuts. John Paul II has nothing on this this televangelist. Twenty years after having been exposed as a fraud by James Randi, Peter Popoff is back at it -- performing hundreds of miracle cures. And that's not all -- for $27 he'll send you a deli packet of "Dead Sea Salt" and some "free" Miracle Spring Water. Spinkle the salt over another check made out to him and then drink the water; wait five days and you, too, will be "blessed with riches."
posted by ericb at 1:11 PM on March 31, 2007

I've just booked Hunter S. Thompson to touch up my grouting.
posted by nthdegx at 1:13 PM on March 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

Well it's got to be a chocolate Jesus
Make me feel good inside
Got to be a chocolate Jesus
Keep me satisfied
posted by dilettante at 1:19 PM on March 31, 2007

John Paul II sent me to lay Roman Catholics.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 1:21 PM on March 31, 2007

killdevil! You forgot the best one:

Pope forgives molested children.
posted by Alex404 at 1:23 PM on March 31, 2007

The thing about a 6-foot tall, anatomically correct Jesus is that if the room is not properly air conditioned, he ends up neither 6 feet tall nor anatomically correct.

Also, those sicko's who like to bite the ears off the chocolate Easter bunnies would have a field day with JC.
posted by leftcoastbob at 1:28 PM on March 31, 2007

George Foreman told me I wasn't going to pay a lot for a muffler AND that I could knock out the fat with an electric grill, both of which are TRUE and VERIFIABLE MIRACLES.

So why the hell isn't he on the fast-track to sainthood? Is B16 a Frazier fan?
posted by dw at 1:36 PM on March 31, 2007

Damn, growabrain, that's quite a performance on that video right there.
posted by Drexen at 1:38 PM on March 31, 2007

John Paul II sent me Hundreds Of Hand-Drawn Turkeys.
posted by Dizzy at 1:40 PM on March 31, 2007

I think its cute how the church tries to be scientific about deciding whether miracles are real. "Wait a minute" the jesuit will say, "She wasn't cured by John Paul II from beyond the grave but by one of the other billions of dead people. All the evidence points to it being an African-American gentleman named Cory." I think the pope should just claim that god tells him who actually has miracle powers instead of setting up a bizarre kangaroo court. The way they do things now smacks of children dressing up in daddy's clothes.
posted by I Foody at 1:41 PM on March 31, 2007

John Paul II made me a mix tape, and it had The Cure on it.
posted by padraigin at 1:42 PM on March 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

john paul ii sent me season tickets to the byu cougars AND the utah jazz
posted by pyramid termite at 1:47 PM on March 31, 2007 [2 favorites]

John-Paul II set a standard in Italian bureaucratic response speed by having Galileo rehabilitated in 1992.
posted by Firas at 1:54 PM on March 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

"Pontiff cured Parkinson's, claims Frenchwoman"

For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect.

- Jesus (attributed)
posted by Flunkie at 2:16 PM on March 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

Wait a minute... This nun was supposedly cured of Parkinson's, and the 'proof' of that revolves around her ability to now control her handwriting? I thought the medication for Parkinson's was what caused the trembling. Did the Zombie Pope force her off her meds?
posted by maryh at 2:20 PM on March 31, 2007

Overmedication can increase tremors, especially once the medication becomes less effective over time (the therapeutic window narrows - too little drug, no effect, too much drug, no effect) - the stereotypically Parkinsonian handwriting is script that gets smaller and smaller towards the end of the word.

Some studies have shown that placebo can occasionally, in some people, be just as effective as L-DOPA (dopamine precursor used to treat Parkinson's symptoms) when measured quantitatively although the mechanisms haven't been entirely worked out but probably involves anticipatory dopaminergic spiking (but regardless, it's a very dramatic result).

I guess she was someone who'd respond well to placebo therapy.
posted by porpoise at 2:37 PM on March 31, 2007

I don't think the Church is doing this woman any good in humoring her psychoses.
posted by psmealey at 3:03 PM on March 31, 2007

Btw, would he be known as St. John-Paul, or St. Karol? How does that fucking bullshit work again?
posted by psmealey at 3:04 PM on March 31, 2007

Transgender the funny little fella and we'd hafta call him
Jill St. John.
posted by Dizzy at 3:25 PM on March 31, 2007

John-Paul made me an Episcopalian.
posted by Biblio at 3:38 PM on March 31, 2007

John Paul II has a sweet bike.
posted by fidgets at 4:21 PM on March 31, 2007

John-Paul made me an Episcopalian.

Where do you keep him?
posted by psmealey at 4:22 PM on March 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

OK, lets try that again.
posted by fidgets at 4:23 PM on March 31, 2007

I witnessed a Pope John Paull II miracle. I was living in Tempe AZ in 1987 and it was announced he was coming to Sun Devil Stadium to put on a show. The trouble was downtown Tempe was all tore up with a slow-as-molasses road project. However he miraculously got the road construction done on Mill Avenue in time for his visit.

I remember hearing that the local officials and the local Catholic church were worried that the name "Sun Devil Stadium" might upset the pontiff. But he said, hey its just a name of a stadium, you don't have to change it for me. And of course, Sparky the Sun Devil was not nearly as bad as the devil of the bible.
posted by birdherder at 4:28 PM on March 31, 2007

And of course, Sparky the Sun Devil was not nearly as bad as the devil of the bible.

that's because he was put in a habit and called sparky the sun nun that day
posted by pyramid termite at 4:54 PM on March 31, 2007

Agreed Drexen. GrowaBrain linked to one hell of a fine performance of Chocolate Jesus by none other than Tom Waits. He is by the way already a saint of the Church of the SubGenius, and he didn't even have to die.

Then again, we also sainted her, so it's not like it's all that tough to get sainthood. Not like the catholics. They make ya have to jump through all kindsa hoops, and for what?
posted by ZachsMind at 6:22 PM on March 31, 2007

At the risk of dealing substantively with the topic, if there was ever a shoo-in for beatification, it's JP II. The cardinals may be devout, but they're not stupid; if JP II isn't beatified, there will be protests worldwide. The modern Church is more reactive than people, especially mefites, generally give it credit for, I think. JPII himself created more saints than any other Pope, for example; that wasn't because he perceived a massive increase in wordwide holiness, it was a policy decision, even if the the Church doesn't talk of it in those terms. Like his extensive international travels, he saw expanded beatification as a tool to inspire more Catholics and give more people a personal connection with Rome. Or take the Church's increasingly liberal positions on evolution; that's pragmatism, not theology. Benedict may or may not be less interested in PR than JP was, but this is one decision he has zero choice over.
posted by gsteff at 6:36 PM on March 31, 2007

ZachsMind: Then again, we also sainted her, so it's not like it's all that tough to get sainthood. Not like the catholics. They make ya have to jump through all kindsa hoops, and for what?

Well, to be fair, she deserves it more than he does. She may have possibly been responsible for hijacking a few people's inheritance, messing up a couple of kid's lives, and living a vapid mindless lifestyle. The ex-pope, on the other hand, indirectly killed millions via AIDS and overpopulation through his edicts against birth control.
posted by Mitrovarr at 6:40 PM on March 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

I found this thread incredibly distasteful...until I saw chocolate Jesus. Yum!
posted by Falconetti at 6:41 PM on March 31, 2007

'Stop the chocolate Jesus'

Can I get that on a T-shirt?

Internets, are you listening?
posted by asok at 7:04 PM on March 31, 2007

Screw Chocolate Jesus. Let us not forget Piss Christ.
posted by ericb at 7:31 PM on March 31, 2007

"Screw Chocolate Jesus?"

Oh, if only. And I'm not even gay!
posted by ZakDaddy at 8:17 PM on March 31, 2007

One lousy miracle. Pshaw. That's peanuts.

We got-a some Italian-a people, they got-a forty, fifty, sixty miracles to their name. They can't-a get in just cause they say there's already too many Italian saints, and this woman comes along with-a three lousy miracles. I understand that-a two of them was-a card tricks.
posted by Opposite George at 9:30 PM on March 31, 2007

Nun: Somebody set up us the miracle.
Second nun: We get signal.
Nun: What !
Second Nun: Main screen turn on.
Nun: It's you !!
JPII: How are you gentlenuns !!
JPII: All your Parkinson's are belong to us.
JPII: You are on your way to beatification.
Nun: What you say !
posted by I Am Not a Lobster at 9:38 PM on March 31, 2007 [2 favorites]

John Paul sent me a snark for this thread that no one had made yet.
posted by klangklangston at 9:52 PM on March 31, 2007

Chocolate Jesus
Chocolate Jesus
Melting on the dashboard of my car
posted by goo at 3:34 AM on April 1, 2007 [2 favorites]

Can I get some links for "another town" and "one more show"? Downtown they're giving away, but she never came back.
posted by GuyZero at 11:05 AM on April 1, 2007

Post hoc, ergo propter hoc!
posted by chuq at 12:53 PM on April 2, 2007

Post hoc, ergo propter hoc!

Let 'em have it I say. No point in pointing out absurdity miles down the rabbit hole.
posted by Firas at 1:32 PM on April 2, 2007