The ten things most likely to be on The Daily Express front page

April 4, 2007 2:04 PM

The ten things most likely to be on The Daily Express front page. This UK newspaper has gained something of a reputation of late because of their apparently monosyllabic attitude to the news and what'll appear as their front page story -- today with everything that's going in the middle east they ran with yet another story about Princess Diana. Here, Martin Belam analyzes the leaders for the past three months and examines the patterns.
posted by feelinglistless (31 comments total)

Oh sorry via LMG.
posted by feelinglistless at 2:06 PM on April 4, 2007 [1 favorite]

It's a bewildering newspaper, that's for sure - even the daftest red top is recognisably of this world, the Express just bleats on from a parallel universe.

I'm stunned that Di only made fifth place, though.
posted by jack_mo at 2:15 PM on April 4, 2007

Taxes, health, the weather, how much your house is worth—seemed clear to me by the end of the article that the paper's for scaring old people, but he didn't really reach that conclusion, exactly.
posted by interrobang at 2:22 PM on April 4, 2007

As the piece says, we've got the 10 Year Di's Ded Bumper Bonanza Extravaganza yet to come, so that's the Express' front page sewn up for 3 months this summer at least.

And it is a truly bizarre phenomenon, their belief that it being a bit parky in January particularly. I've never been able to understand who actually buys the Express, and I rarely see people reading it on the buses or tube.

I did overhear an old cockney cocksparra ranting at the kiosk girl in safeway once as he bought his Express: "Bladdy Diana! Always facking Diana! 'Oo cares? She died YEARS ago! Let 'er rest in peace!". It took a great deal of internal fortitude to not scream DON'T FUCKING BUY IT THEN in his face.
posted by influx at 2:23 PM on April 4, 2007

er, their belief that it being a bit parky in January is unusual, particularly
posted by influx at 2:25 PM on April 4, 2007

Someone should really do this for Canada's SunMedia titles.

- Your local hockey team rulz/ Your local hockey team suckz
- It's really cold!
- OMG teh traffic
- Look what those zany Quebeckers are up to now!
- Immigrants = Guns + Drugs
- Our noble vets!
- Stephen Harper: Is there anything he can't do?

etc. etc.
posted by docgonzo at 2:36 PM on April 4, 2007

I was wondering what happened to "political correctness ruins Christmas" but then I saw that it was just the last three months.
posted by teleskiving at 2:38 PM on April 4, 2007

this reminds me of a combination of The Enquirer and The New York Post here in the states.

The Enquirer does things like put celebrity gossip on the front page as shocking news, and the post puts the worst headlines you've ever seen in your life on the front page.

For instance, let's say that Tom Cruise has some additinal scandal. Both the Enquirer and the Post would front page it, but the post's headline would be something abominable like "Cruise You!"

what?!
posted by shmegegge at 2:39 PM on April 4, 2007 [2 favorites]

The Daily Express = The Boston Herald, basically.
posted by mkb at 2:40 PM on April 4, 2007

As far as I can tell, the Express is bought by old people in little villages, which is why you never see anyone reading it on the bus, the tube, or anywhere else in a city really. I think "scaring old people" nails it -- the front-page headlines are about making it seem like something has happened which will be important to them ("interest rates to rise and rise again", I think they had the other day), but is actually just speculative fluff. And Diana, which I can only assume is some kind of in-joke - or perhaps they've found that circulation jumps on Diana days, and got hooked on it like happened with the free DVDs.
posted by reklaw at 2:46 PM on April 4, 2007

(In defense of the Post, they are responsible for some of the great classic headlines in history, including the unsurpassable: "Headless body found in topless bar.")
posted by docgonzo at 2:46 PM on April 4, 2007

I was wondering today who buys the copies of the Daily Express that the sandwich van where I work flogs - most of the staff are social workers so presumably not the target audience.
posted by paduasoy at 2:49 PM on April 4, 2007

see also: Evening Standard Headline Crisis 2006 (Flickr photoset)

MUSLIM CABBIE BANS GUIDE DOG

KILLER FOG TRAVEL CHAOS

SUMMER KILLER WASPS ALERT

MUGGED - FOR A BOTTLE OF WATER


You couldn't make it up!

Oh.
posted by influx at 2:49 PM on April 4, 2007

(In defense of the Post, they are responsible for some of the great classic headlines in history, including the unsurpassable: "Headless body found in topless bar.")

Honestly, compared to the British redtops, that's nothing, particularly as that's just a description of what (I assume) actually happened. The tabs' headlines are the only genuinely worthwhile thing about them - see the sublime "Super Cally Go Ballistic, Celtic Are Atrocious"
posted by influx at 2:53 PM on April 4, 2007 [2 favorites]

The Daily Express = The Boston Herald, basically.

You can make a Herald headline by condensing almost everything to three letters and making sure that "hub" is in it somewhere:

PORN MOM BUYS GAY HUB PIX
posted by Mayor Curley at 2:55 PM on April 4, 2007 [2 favorites]

Evening Standard Headline Crisis 2006 (Flickr photoset)

My university has one of those Evening Standard placards from the day there was a fire in one of the university's buildings. "UNIVERSITY ON FIRE - DRAMATIC PICTURES".
posted by reklaw at 2:58 PM on April 4, 2007

What's a WAG?
posted by turbodog at 3:01 PM on April 4, 2007

Wives and Girlfriends - first coined to describe the England footballers' vacuous arm decorations.
posted by influx at 3:02 PM on April 4, 2007 [1 favorite]

For more opinions on the Daily Express's reign of idiocy, see Andrew Rilstone's Blog
posted by re6smith at 3:10 PM on April 4, 2007

I once got into a heated argument in Scotland with a guy who insisted that you couldn't really know Britain unless you read the tabloids. He was trying to convince me that I should read them -- hence my vociferous arguments. Nevertheless, I couldn't help feel like he was right. Add up the daily circulations of all the red-tops and you reach a rather alarming proportion of the national population.
posted by attaboy at 3:27 PM on April 4, 2007

YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT UP!

Muslims
Benefits
Tax
Diana
Floods
Diets
Shame

What a country.
posted by fire&wings at 3:33 PM on April 4, 2007 [1 favorite]

CHOCOLATE CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE

My kinda paper.
posted by telstar at 3:42 PM on April 4, 2007 [1 favorite]

I long for the days when a wag was a droll bounder of scurrilous guile.
posted by thirteenkiller at 3:50 PM on April 4, 2007

easy enough to see why the do it: supply and demand

what is even sillier: spending so much time compiling headlines and fron t pages of a paper you dislike
posted by Postroad at 4:33 PM on April 4, 2007

Supply of crap news is high, demand is low, so the price shoots down?
posted by tehloki at 4:37 PM on April 4, 2007

I for one enjoy The Daily Express, especially now that I only have a 75% chance of dying
posted by saraswati at 4:50 PM on April 4, 2007

For some reason the only slightly less silly Daily Mail gets MeFi links all the time.
posted by Artw at 4:55 PM on April 4, 2007

My colleagues and I now refer to this rag as "The Daily Diana". For obvious reasons, on most days.
posted by kaemaril at 7:00 PM on April 4, 2007

I've never seen a nipple in the Daily Express - John Cooper Clarke nails it in 1978
posted by quarsan at 10:26 PM on April 4, 2007

perhaps they've found that circulation jumps on Diana days

I'm afraid that's exactly what they've found.
posted by Mocata at 7:34 AM on April 5, 2007

Ah. the difference is that people believe the Mail and politicians fear it. The Express is for the readers who suppose that authority is always lying to them, and like to grumble about it.
posted by alloneword at 12:15 AM on April 6, 2007