XXXChurch.com

April 5, 2007 8:59 AM

XXXChurch.comAt 8 o'clock on a recent Saturday morning, more than 250 men gathered at New Life Christian Church in Morton, Illinois, for a breakfast of porn and pancakes.
posted by theemperorhasnoclotheson (57 comments total)

Every second, approximately 28,258 Internet users are viewing pornography

Well, round about - give or take 0.5 users.
posted by uncle harold at 9:03 AM on April 5, 2007

Don't mind me. I'm just commenting so I can keep this in my My Comments page.
posted by roll truck roll at 9:04 AM on April 5, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Apart from the fact that this number seems a little low... or is this just for Illinois?
posted by uncle harold at 9:04 AM on April 5, 2007

I am so terribly glad the img tag is currently disabled.

*considers the pancakes, considers the toppings, makes little sicky noises*
posted by loquacious at 9:05 AM on April 5, 2007

Every second, approximately 28,258 Internet users are viewing pornography.

What's everybody else doing?
posted by beagle at 9:05 AM on April 5, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

"struggling with pornography" -- so THAT'S what they call it now

I like the software that emails your list viewed urls to a "trusted person". If you use this software, aren't you basically admitting you don't believe God really exists (because if he did, he'd already get the list without the software)?
posted by DU at 9:07 AM on April 5, 2007

What's everybody else doing?

Closing their browser so their boss, husband/wife or mom/dad doesn't catch them of course.
posted by substrate at 9:07 AM on April 5, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

" Over the smell of maple syrup"


ewe.
posted by Wonderwoman at 9:11 AM on April 5, 2007

Over the smell of maple syrup and sausage, Gross and other guest speakers....

Wow, they're into the hard stuff.
posted by gurple at 9:11 AM on April 5, 2007

Jinx, Ww
posted by gurple at 9:11 AM on April 5, 2007

Jesus loves porn stars

Well, I count at least one future bumper sticker.
posted by Terminal Verbosity at 9:13 AM on April 5, 2007

I can't be bothered to look through the whole bible. Can someone point me to the part where Jesus tells us not to look at pornos?

"You say that you hate pornography. But pornography does not hate you! In your darkest hour, who is it that holds your hand? Pornography."
posted by Mayor Curley at 9:15 AM on April 5, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

Thou shalt not covet thy San Fernando Valley Pizza Delivery Boy.
posted by prostyle at 9:15 AM on April 5, 2007

That number's ridiculously low.
posted by dobbs at 9:15 AM on April 5, 2007

This is so unfair. I've been hosting "Pancakes & Porn" events for friends at my home on Sundays for at least a year and a half. I can't believe the church is attempting to supplant my event.

(Of course my event includes both pancakes and porn as a celebration, not condemnation, of each.)
posted by iguanapolitico at 9:22 AM on April 5, 2007

From guac to cock and pancake to man taint, baby.
posted by The Straightener at 9:23 AM on April 5, 2007 [4 favorites has favorites]

Curley, see Matthew 5:28 for the man verse cited as a reason for Christians to avoid pornography:

"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."
posted by bugmuncher at 9:27 AM on April 5, 2007

I was going to ask if this will play in Peoria, but in the dim recesses of my mind, I remember having to go to godforsaken Morton, IL, home of the Caterpillar Parts Depot, many many times.

If not for porn & pancakes, my motel visits to Peoria & environs would have been more dismal.

Oh--they're trying to "get over" porn addiction. I foresee a lot of pages stuck together with...syrup.
posted by beelzbubba at 9:28 AM on April 5, 2007

This is new math, dobbs. You have to multiply it out. That's a hundred million per hour, and two and a half billion per day. So in a week you've got, like, 17 billion people watching porn.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:29 AM on April 5, 2007

But only a few hours south of Morton, Mt. Vernon, IL used to be the Capital of contract porn publishing. Several offset print houses in this sleepy Bible-thumpin' town printed tons of the like of Juggs and Double-D and all those other truck-stop porn rags for their Big City publishers.

Do they have pancake houses in Mt. Vernon, I wonder?
posted by beelzbubba at 9:31 AM on April 5, 2007

Only twenty eight thousand porn consumers? Cripes, there have got to be at least twice that many porn websites. How do they stay in business?
posted by ardgedee at 9:32 AM on April 5, 2007

Thanks to the magic of Tor I may very well be 27,000 of those.
posted by Skorgu at 9:46 AM on April 5, 2007

Actually, I just have 28,000 tabs of Internet porn open on my browser at any one moment.
posted by Astro Zombie at 9:57 AM on April 5, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

This is nothing.

During our month of Hot Cakes & Hot Pants we will be offering:

Buttermilk crumbcakes and Bukkake
Capt'n Crunch and Cruisin'
Sugar Smacks and S & M
Cinnebons and Bondage
Hot Cross Buns and Hot Cross-dressing Buns

Next monch we will be offering the return of our very popular Sermons on Semen. Be sure to reserve your pew now!
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 9:58 AM on April 5, 2007

.
posted by chunking express at 10:00 AM on April 5, 2007

St. Alphonso would be proud of them.
posted by runtina at 10:00 AM on April 5, 2007

Metafilter: a breakfast of porn and pancakes.
posted by Bearman at 10:02 AM on April 5, 2007

It came as a huge and somewhat unwelcome surprise to my adult-bible class at Sunday school that the Bible has gasp! porn in it. The smirk may never leave my face.
posted by pax digita at 10:06 AM on April 5, 2007

I'm thinkin' there might be a little tension in the room if they decided to bring in JC's Girls (no doubt decked out in holy hottie attire) for Bible study.
posted by miss lynnster at 10:10 AM on April 5, 2007

Dave Barry wrote a column about 20 years ago, passing along stories of people who had done stupid things with their penises.

For example, one gent had gotten his stuck in a vacuum cleaner (an event also recounted towards the end of the Clash's "The Magnificent Seven").

Barry explained at the outset of the article that because his column appeared in family newspapers and he didn't want to upset anyone, he would refer to that part of the body as a "Morton."

In light of that, a special event for porn in Morton, Illinois, seems redundant.
posted by ibmcginty at 10:26 AM on April 5, 2007

This is the sign of second cumming I tell ya.
posted by alteredcarbon at 10:30 AM on April 5, 2007

From the CNN link:

Gross says he's not surprised so many Christians find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, considering just how mainstream and easily accessible it has become.

Whether it's content on television or in movie theaters, video games, or music, it seems to me that Christians have a hard time filtering out what they don't care for. Almost like they're powerless, even as adults, to withstand what exists within society.

It's really about willpower - something I thought was inherently basic in the foundation of a spiritual self.
posted by NationalKato at 10:32 AM on April 5, 2007

Breakfast and porn? They must have gotten the idea from the Twisted Spoke in Chicago. (Who in turn got the idea from Bennett's in Madison.)

The Chicago Reader did a story on the guy who provides the vintage smut shown at the Twisted Spoke, carefully selected from his vast collection hidden in his mom's garage. The fact that he provided an enthusiastic play-by-play commentary during the show made it sound a lot less fun than I'd imagined. The article is archived here, if you want to pay two bucks to read it.
posted by hydrophonic at 10:37 AM on April 5, 2007

Okay, back from actually RTFAing, and while I've been enjoying the snarkiness, as one of the token practicing Xtians here in the blue, I'd like to speak to this.

I think I'd heard about this in a Morning Edition story on how Xtianity is trying to reach people where they are. I was intrigued about this particular meeting.

This is, I note somewhat sadly, just more about repression without offering any sort of alternate outlet. I can appreciate their concern about sin, but hey, sexual desire is going to find some sort of means of getting itself dealt with, and until Xtianity figures out a healthy, affirming and inclusive way to speak to that, this kind of thing is pretty self-limiting and is going to send people on guilt trips without giving them anything positive -- it won't bring them closer to G*d or to each other; it'll make them feel worse about themselves.

One of the conundrums I've struggled with in my faith journey: If sex is so dirty, how come it's how we wind up with more Xtians to baptize? We're so weird about sex here in America anyway -- too puritanical to deal with an exposed nipple at a Super Bowl halftime show but able to present soft-core BDSM-ish porn come-ons on primetime network TV -- that I'd prefer to have Xtianity lead people through inspiration rather than trying to make them even more ashamed of their private lives than they already are.

This is a start, but I'd like Xtianity also to recognize that GBL relationships are valid too, and we're having a terrible struggle with that -- watched people at my old (ELCA Lutheran) church practically stop speaking to each other, the ELCA's struggle in trying to come up with an official position on the issue has been so divisive. This kind of attitude toward sexual expression sure isn't going to help.

*****************

On preview: NationalKato nails it: the problem of trying to "be in the world but not of the world," which lots of faith traditions besides Xtianity struggle with. There's something at the core of conservative religious stances that seems to say "since we're having so much trouble with it, it's clearly bad for everybody and must be repressed, damn the torpedoes."
posted by pax digita at 10:37 AM on April 5, 2007

No Vin Diesel?

I’d’ve gone, but I was too wiped out after BDSM night at the Exit.
posted by Smedleyman at 10:48 AM on April 5, 2007

A nonscientific poll on XXXChurch.com found that 70 percent of Christians admitted to struggling with porn in their daily lives.

I had this problem too. Then I got broadband.
posted by and hosted from Uranus at 10:52 AM on April 5, 2007 [12 favorites has favorites]

Porn and pancakes? yummy. If only they could take out the nasty jesus and god thing. That's like having a pancake breakfast and not offering people any syrup. That's like a porno with no money shots.

I like how all of those Xians will go to many of these things and become classically conditioned to associate sex and pancakes. Their loving wives will cook them breakfast and the sausage on their plates will make them horny and they'll have their wives right there. And then feel guilty about it. And if there's on thing you should not feel guilty about, its pancakes. Sex, also, especially if she's really hot. Pancakes are also hot.

Lunch time.
posted by mr_book at 10:55 AM on April 5, 2007

If only they could take out the nasty jesus and god thing. That's like having a pancake breakfast and not offering people any syrup. That's like a porno with no money shots.

No, it's more like porn and pancakes (with the butter and syrup), but served with a mandatory side order of liver and Brussels sprouts. (Or whatever you don't like.) The point is that they want you to look at porn while they tell you why it's bad for you. I wonder if they clamp your eyes open like little Alex and maybe give you mild electrical shocks or some sort of emetic drug? Just Scripture ain't gonna do anything but make people feel guilty, conflicted, dirty...and even more sneaky and cognitively dissonant, or openly defiant, about looking at porn.
posted by pax digita at 11:10 AM on April 5, 2007

I used to struggle with porn too BEFORE the internet. It was hard to hold the magazine open with only one hand. Thanks to the magic of the internet...I have both hands free now!
posted by spicynuts at 11:26 AM on April 5, 2007

Actually the synergy between porn and pancakes is pretty incredible (I'm stealing directly from Mitch Hedberg here), it starts out amazing, in both cases you are pretty sure all you have ever wanted or will want is porn or pancakes. As soon as you are done... GET THAT FUCKING SHIT AWAY FROM ME!
posted by Divine_Wino at 11:27 AM on April 5, 2007

I've seen Craig Gross speak before, and frankly I thought it was fantastic. He told a story about his debates about Ron Jeremy. He was getting his hair cut before one of the debates when the stylist asked why he was in town. The stylist went into a rant about how awful Ron was, how she hated him, and all the things Craig should say to him about the terrible things he'd done. When she asked him what he thought, Craig replied, "Ron? I love the guy. He's great, we hang out. We disagree on some pretty major issues, but that shouldn't stop me from loving the guy." I think the church/Christianity/the country could learn a lot from an example like that.

On a side note: xxxchurch recently moved to Michigan, to combine their ministry with that of Rob Bell's Mars Hill which is involved in many social causes, using often then slogan 'Love Wins.' Bell recently wrote a book about sexuality and spirituality, if you have any free time today, the first chapter (pdf) is very good.
posted by sicem07 at 11:43 AM on April 5, 2007

Ah, Mars Hill.

[Several pages deleted]

Cock-punch!
posted by maxwelton at 12:13 PM on April 5, 2007

I might actually stay awake at this church!
posted by willthethrill at 12:32 PM on April 5, 2007

My first thought was Porn & Eggs! Breakfast and pornography are two great tastes that go great together.

That makes me think. Are there any "sex positive" churches out there? I suppose the Christian bible is pretty straightforward about adultery, but is there such as thing as a porn-loving or partner-swapping church?

It seems so obvious that one must exist, but I don't know of any.
posted by mrgrimm at 12:36 PM on April 5, 2007

Not sure I understand... is the problem these guys jerk off too much or spend too much money on porn or what?

The article just seems to dwell on the "guilt" these guys feel. Isn't that because of the conflict Christianity CREATES over sex in the first place? Seems to me they got a religion problem not a porn problem.
posted by tkchrist at 12:55 PM on April 5, 2007

Note to self: Maple Syrup NOT a suitable lubricant.
posted by tehloki at 1:27 PM on April 5, 2007

No, but olive oil is ideal. Porn and antipasto!
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 3:51 PM on April 5, 2007

Is it just me or does Craig Gross look kinda hawt and gay? I guess I need to revise my image of anti-porn Xians.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 4:17 PM on April 5, 2007

LOL Hungry Horny Xians!!

I suppose the nightmare scenario is a backfire wherein one of the flock develops a pancake fetish. Next thing you know, he's punching the clown in IHOP and needs intervention for porno AND breakfast.
posted by EatTheWeak at 4:45 PM on April 5, 2007

Is anyone else there a little suspicious of the born again types that look like total hipsters? I just can't take them seriously. Like that dude in Seattle or the Baldwin spawn that does the skateboard for Jesus gig.

Claudia, I have to agree he does look like he has teh gay. But I suppose he could belong to a denomination that is acepting of teh gay, and his porn addiction is to guy on guy stuff. Somehow I doubt it, but it is possible.
posted by Belle O'Cosity at 5:19 PM on April 5, 2007

Is anyone else there a little suspicious of the born again types that look like total hipsters? I just can't take them seriously.

Ever notice Jesus looks sorta like a hippie? I'd be suspicious of Him too. Especially the way He spoke in ways calculated to enrage entrenched religious authority. Like, who is this guy -- why can't He get a shave and a haircut and look respectable, and quite hanging around with riffraff. And...washing their feet? What the hell's up with that -- is that fetish stuff?

Oh, and James and Peter, sons of Zebedee, known as the "Boanerges" or the "sons of thunder"? One of my former pastors was pretty much convinced those guys would've been total outlaw bikers. Just sayin'.

Yeah, this anti-porn crusade...it's more embarrassing, irrelevant control-freak bull$hit. I don't blame anybody for all the snarkiness. It's Maundy Thursday, and as I watched 'em strippping the altar, I reflected on this thread some. I feel yet again like Christ was way too good for 99.999% of the Christians I know, myself included.
posted by pax digita at 6:54 PM on April 5, 2007

pax digita, she wasn't talking about hippies, but hipsters.

I feel yet again like Christ was way too good for 99.999% of the Christians I know, myself included.

Isn't this the basis of all Christian theology?
posted by booksandlibretti at 7:32 PM on April 5, 2007

I'm confused... they're struggling with pornography how? It always seemed pretty self-explanatory to me.
posted by gambit at 7:50 PM on April 5, 2007

Oral pro nobis
posted by keepoutofreach at 8:21 PM on April 5, 2007

Every second, approximately 28,258 Internet users are viewing pornography

Are they just talking about in that one city? Because 28,000 simultaneous porn users would not even account for Chicago, much less all of Illinois.
posted by Ynoxas at 10:45 PM on April 5, 2007

pax digita, she wasn't talking about hippies, but hipsters.

Yep. And I was referring to Christ, not His fan club's officers. I know hippies != hipsters, for most values of each. (Seen some walking, talking attempts at conflating the two...not pretty.)

I presume you got that I was pointing out how self-consciously counter-cultural some folks try to appear in evangelizing when, in fact, Christianity at its origin couldn't have been more self-consciously counter-cultural -- it got people right upsot. (Read Luke and Acts, think about what happened to Peter, to Paul, to Andrew...) It's a pretty transparent attempt to reach out to youth -- a questionable goal, it seems to me, as Xtianity is a very adult sort of religion; you have to live a while and go through some crap to appreciate sacrifice, forgiveness and transcendence -- and to seem current and relevant instead of like somebody who looks like s/he belongs in in the studio audience at a taping of the Lawrence Welk Show.

Love those who hate you, do good things for the people who get the least, remember that you were worth dying for and make choices accordingly -- that's the important stuff; the blow-dried 'dos and $1000 Italian silk suits, or the albs, stoles and chasubles, or even the aforementioned hipster look, are just window dressing.

And this porn thing? Their hearts and their theology may be mostly in the right place, but they're stopping short of healing and settling for yet another guilt trip.

********
gambit wins for best snark, and the competition was pretty fierce.
posted by pax digita at 4:51 AM on April 6, 2007

Porn & Pancakes was better as I imagined it than as described in the article.
posted by spacely_sprocket at 7:13 AM on April 6, 2007