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10-4, Good Buddy
April 17, 2007 10:33 AM   Subscribe

The Florida Panty Snatcher is gone, but his last request was granted. The mild-mannered truck driver wanted his long-time CB handle mentioned in his obituary. If you knew your days were numbered, what would your final wish be? What would your epitaph say?
posted by Oriole Adams (108 comments total) 3 users marked this as a favorite

 
"He Tried"
posted by phrontist at 10:38 AM on April 17, 2007


"Here lies mr_crash_davis ... and why not?"
posted by mr_crash_davis at 10:39 AM on April 17, 2007


Or the classic: Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!
posted by phrontist at 10:39 AM on April 17, 2007


"I waited but you never came"
posted by four panels at 10:40 AM on April 17, 2007


"The world was too much with her"
posted by four panels at 10:41 AM on April 17, 2007


This one's been attributed to various people, and I can't track down a reliable source, but I've always liked it: "I Told You I Was Sick!"
posted by amyms at 10:43 AM on April 17, 2007


Or Dorothy Parker's: "Excuse My Dust"
posted by amyms at 10:44 AM on April 17, 2007


Please God, let me meet a truck driver.
posted by found missing at 10:49 AM on April 17, 2007


"He had his own blog."
posted by sexymofo at 10:49 AM on April 17, 2007 [3 favorites]


I want mine to read, "Aaaaaarrrrgh".
posted by Mister_A at 10:49 AM on April 17, 2007


Just to increase the chances that it would one day end up in a museum, generate some plausible looking fake character set and cover your (massive, stainless steem) tombstone in it. They'll be trying to decrypt it for years.
posted by phrontist at 10:52 AM on April 17, 2007 [1 favorite]


If you knew your days were numbered, what would your final wish be?

Adequate quantities of pharmaceuticals.

What would your epitaph say?

Here lieth McDermott: he died without discomfort.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 10:54 AM on April 17, 2007


l8r
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 10:54 AM on April 17, 2007


(Interrupting the hilarity for a moment, I'd like to mention that many teachers have gotten into trouble by giving this assignment. We should, instead, teach kids that they will probably live forever.)
posted by kozad at 10:55 AM on April 17, 2007


I wanted a heptadecagon inscribed on my tombstone, but the mason told me it would just look like a circle.
posted by Plutor at 10:59 AM on April 17, 2007


What would your epitaph say?

"And the lights all went out in Massachusetts"
posted by Mayor Curley at 11:01 AM on April 17, 2007


"MetaFilter: Overthought a plate of beans."
posted by eriko at 11:03 AM on April 17, 2007


"The world was never meant for one as beautiful as you."
posted by sourwookie at 11:04 AM on April 17, 2007


"Hey, dudes, watch this!"
posted by jason's_planet at 11:05 AM on April 17, 2007


"Died Tragically Rescuing His Family From The Remains Of A Destroyed Sinking Battleship"
posted by voltairemodern at 11:07 AM on April 17, 2007 [3 favorites]


"That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
posted by mullingitover at 11:08 AM on April 17, 2007


FOGERRRRTTTTTTTTTTTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Oh, like you didn't see that one coming. Please. I hold onto my grudges against crusty old rocker dudes to the GRAVE, people.
posted by miss lynnster at 11:09 AM on April 17, 2007


Christ, What An Asshole
posted by iconomy at 11:09 AM on April 17, 2007


My last wish? Probably sit in a field on my folk's farm.
Just sit and wait.
My epitaph? "So long, suckers!"

I've always been fond of this one, though.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 11:11 AM on April 17, 2007


Also:

Farrell met his longtime girlfriend, Connie Ryan, 60, of West Palm Beach, in traffic. It was 1992, a time when Ryan was praying for her life to improve.

"I said, 'Please God, let me meet a truck driver,' " she remembered. "And three days later I met him."


Wow. "Please God, let me meet a truck driver"? That's a new one to me.
posted by voltairemodern at 11:14 AM on April 17, 2007


Well, you should include the other paragraphs that make sense of it...

"I loved trucks ever since I was little," Ryan said. "Some are really nice looking, and at night when they have all their lights on, it's really striking."

Ryan's son bought her a CB radio so she could drive and listen to the truckers' chatter. At first, she just listened. But before long, she took her own CB handle, "Cat" and started talking. "'Cat' stands for 'crazy about trucks,' " she said.


Soooo... he was quite obviously her type.
posted by miss lynnster at 11:16 AM on April 17, 2007


.
posted by porpoise at 11:19 AM on April 17, 2007


"BRB"

"This stone intentionally left blank."

"See other side" (Both sides)

A radiation or biological hazard symbol would be pretty awesome, too.
posted by Freon at 11:24 AM on April 17, 2007


"If you can read this, you're standing on my head. GET OFF MY GRAVE!!!"
posted by Atom Eyes at 11:25 AM on April 17, 2007 [1 favorite]


I'M
WITH
STUPID
|
V

posted by robocop is bleeding at 11:27 AM on April 17, 2007


Metatalk.
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 11:29 AM on April 17, 2007


"He's dead...he's all messed up."
posted by kittens for breakfast at 11:31 AM on April 17, 2007


posted by and hosted from Uranus at 2:30 PM on April 17
posted by and hosted from Uranus at 11:33 AM on April 17, 2007


"Could beat Contra without getting hit."

...it's the little triumphs.
posted by Pope Guilty at 11:34 AM on April 17, 2007


An odometer. That's stopped.
posted by Haruspex at 11:34 AM on April 17, 2007


I'm serious here:

"He had the best of intentions"
posted by Turtles all the way down at 11:34 AM on April 17, 2007


WHY DID HE DO IT?!
posted by graventy at 11:35 AM on April 17, 2007


"He really knew where his towel was"
posted by uddersucker at 11:37 AM on April 17, 2007


I always liked Victim of the Beast 666.
posted by Pope Guilty at 11:37 AM on April 17, 2007


I'll be right back
posted by 2sheets at 11:38 AM on April 17, 2007


"Get busy living or get busy dying. Oh, shit."
posted by maxwelton at 11:41 AM on April 17, 2007


"It's getting stuffy in here! C'mon guys, this isn't funny!"
posted by eriko at 11:43 AM on April 17, 2007


My epitaph?
Ω
posted by djseafood at 11:48 AM on April 17, 2007


</life>
posted by TungstenChef at 11:50 AM on April 17, 2007 [2 favorites]


I made a lot of deals in my life, but I went in the hole on this one.
posted by ColdChef at 11:50 AM on April 17, 2007


This ain't bad--once you get used to it.
posted by ColdChef at 11:51 AM on April 17, 2007


Either the curtains go or I do.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:51 AM on April 17, 2007


"Your name here."
posted by Curry at 11:52 AM on April 17, 2007


"Haha... get it?"
posted by katillathehun at 11:52 AM on April 17, 2007


"He knew the solution to all the world's problems...and took it to his grave."
posted by Midnight Creeper at 11:57 AM on April 17, 2007


"Exit, pursued by a bear"
posted by pandaharma at 12:00 PM on April 17, 2007


As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be
Prepare for death and follow me.

posted by ColdChef at 12:03 PM on April 17, 2007


Tombstones of Los Angeles... some of the epitaphs are pretty funny, actually.
posted by miss lynnster at 12:03 PM on April 17, 2007


"After You, Greedo"
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:05 PM on April 17, 2007


NO CARRIER
posted by ijoshua at 12:06 PM on April 17, 2007 [1 favorite]


Previously on AskMe
posted by baphomet at 12:07 PM on April 17, 2007


When I die I just want to be pushed out a plane over Nunavut, let the polar bears gnaw my bones
posted by edgeways at 12:07 PM on April 17, 2007 [1 favorite]


"Failed his saving roll"
posted by sudasana at 12:19 PM on April 17, 2007 [1 favorite]


He Called Out ChatFilter Threads
posted by staggernation at 12:19 PM on April 17, 2007


What's the old joke about the con on Death Row? "Once they've strapped me into the chair, get my lawyer to come hold my hand."

Speaking of classics:

"Into Your hands I commend my spirit."

Or even just

"It is finished."
posted by pax digita at 12:21 PM on April 17, 2007


As long as I get to live off-planet...

out in space...

and to explore the universe as a fully-optimized transhuman...

(together with my likewise-optimized transdog Dr Cuba "Theto" Spok)...

...who cares?!
posted by humannaire at 12:28 PM on April 17, 2007


Or, alternatively,

^
|
I'M
WITH
STUPID

posted by wanderingmind at 12:31 PM on April 17, 2007 [3 favorites]


"He should never have attempted to convince the DM that he rolled three 18s on one character."
posted by Pope Guilty at 12:31 PM on April 17, 2007


"Hey, there's nothing here on the other side!"
posted by nofundy at 12:33 PM on April 17, 2007


When I die I just want to be pushed out a plane over Nunavut, let the polar bears gnaw my bones

In pre-invasion Tibet (perhaps still in some areas) corpses would be dispatched in one of four ways depending upon one's astrological signs: 1)Standard burial; 2)Cremation; 3)weighted down and sunk in a body of water; 4)eviscerated and fed to the birds. Now you know.
posted by Burhanistan at 12:37 PM on April 17, 2007 [1 favorite]


my epitaph? I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, when he said, "I drank what?"

nah... how about "Had more than one website make the front page of metafilter"...
posted by inthe80s at 12:40 PM on April 17, 2007


This one's been attributed to various people, and I can't track down a reliable source, but I've always liked it: "I Told You I Was Sick!"

The original quote is "I told you I was ill" and it's the epitaph1 of British comedian Spike Milligan (mostly unknown in the US I think).

(1) He had once quipped that he wanted his headstone to bear the words "I told you I was ill." [...] but the Chichester Diocese refused to allow these words on a headstone. A compromise was reached with the Irish language translation, "Dúirt mé leat go raibh mé breoite"[...]
(from wikipedia)
posted by atrazine at 12:43 PM on April 17, 2007


I wanted to be cremated, damn it.
posted by hipaa_chik at 12:45 PM on April 17, 2007 [1 favorite]


What would your epitaph say?

Death: 1
Ego: 0

posted by ZenMasterThis at 1:00 PM on April 17, 2007 [1 favorite]


Eddie Cantor's epitaph:

Here in Nature's arms I nestle,
Free at last from Georgie Jessel.


(They had a good-natured rivalry that spanned decades.)
posted by pax digita at 1:04 PM on April 17, 2007


Here lies lordsludge. I'm here, literally, six feet below you. I'm not in heaven, I'm not in hell, I'm rotting in the dirt. My body, including my brain, no longer works, as it has been damaged beyond repair and largely turned into worm poo by now. (I hope I'm tasty.) Sorry I can't say hello; you seem like a cool person.

I supposed to say something deep here, so here's my best shot: There is no afterlife, only this life. Try to make the most of it, help others do the same, and try to have some fun in the process.

Above all, peace.
posted by LordSludge at 1:16 PM on April 17, 2007 [1 favorite]


Sorry to do this pax. You know I love ya, and it's sounds funny & all, but I have to say this...

Since when?
posted by miss lynnster at 1:24 PM on April 17, 2007


Best epitaph ever.
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:24 PM on April 17, 2007


On my tombstone...

</LIFE>
posted by Dreamghost at 1:35 PM on April 17, 2007 [3 favorites]


"Lucky Mud"
posted by vers at 1:37 PM on April 17, 2007


"We commend this body to the abode of the damned. The damned good looking!"
posted by concreteforest at 1:43 PM on April 17, 2007


"See you next Tuesday, Milly."
posted by Atom Eyes at 1:43 PM on April 17, 2007


"An unexpected error has occurred. This error has been forwarded to MySpace's technical group"
posted by soundofsuburbia at 1:57 PM on April 17, 2007


"If you knew your days were numbered, what would your final wish be?"

Two chicks at once, man. If I'm gonna go, I want to go out with a beer and seein' something nekkid.

I'm easily amused.
posted by drstein at 2:10 PM on April 17, 2007


"I'll see you in Hell.

















From Heaven."
posted by Snyder at 2:15 PM on April 17, 2007


Et in Arcadia ego
posted by Wavelet at 2:21 PM on April 17, 2007


Not sure of my grave, but as for last words, I've previously mentioned them on an earlier discussion.
posted by John Kenneth Fisher at 2:22 PM on April 17, 2007


I'd really have to go for the all-time Oregon Trail classic epitath.

"here lies andy

peperony and
chease"

'cept my name isn't Andy.
posted by adol at 2:40 PM on April 17, 2007 [1 favorite]


"Refreshing. Never Bitter."
posted by Dizzy at 3:22 PM on April 17, 2007


Here lieth McDermott: he died without discomfort.

Semi-jinx. I always thought...

DEATH BEFORE DISCOMFORT!

would be apt.
posted by Sparx at 3:51 PM on April 17, 2007


"In college they told me this was all bullshit."

Only in Klingon-ese.
posted by tkchrist at 3:58 PM on April 17, 2007


"return 1;"

"Divided by 0"

or

"Hey, you turned the breaker off rigHHHHRRRnnnnnggggg"

Got hit by house current once, I had to pee after that.
posted by The Power Nap at 4:04 PM on April 17, 2007


"They preserved my work... in plastic bags."
posted by MegoSteve at 4:33 PM on April 17, 2007


"Fuck alla y'all!"
posted by Divine_Wino at 6:32 PM on April 17, 2007


"If your final days were numbered?"

IF?

Wonder what a similar post stated factually would have you all say?

posted by Penny Wise at 6:50 PM on April 17, 2007


xthxbye
posted by YamwotIam at 7:29 PM on April 17, 2007


k, damn it, k.
posted by YamwotIam at 7:35 PM on April 17, 2007


I want my tombstone to say on it:

"If I were you, I wouldn't turn around right now."

That way, I can continue to fuck with the superstitious in death as well as in life.
posted by Eideteker at 7:40 PM on April 17, 2007


Penny Wise: over the top earnestness is really not a virtue
posted by Burhanistan at 7:42 PM on April 17, 2007


As I did in life, I meant to say.
posted by Eideteker at 7:42 PM on April 17, 2007


.
posted by mikeh at 8:08 PM on April 17, 2007


“I’m in Ur earth, rotting Ur doodz”

“Explain this then!”

my fav: “Don’t laugh, you’re next”

Or one of them really classy russian mafia tombstone jobs, with like a car on it, y’know. Or maybe me holding a cigarette looking like a bad-ass even though I don’t smoke. Yeah, that’d be sweeet. Death is too important to take seriously.

Last wish tho’, I’d like to be shot into space on my motorcycle with a very casual sort of “don’t bother me” look on my face.
posted by Smedleyman at 8:56 PM on April 17, 2007


“Please God, let me meet a truck driver,' " she remembered. "And three days later I met him."”

Right up there with “If I didn’t have that horse...I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.”
posted by Smedleyman at 9:00 PM on April 17, 2007


"Penny Wise: over the top earnestness is really not a virtue"

Yes, I hear you, Burhanistan, but my comment wasn't meant to be over the top earnest. I was simply stating my view and the reality that all of our days are numbered on this earth. Keep in mind that right above or below the cleverest epitaph on a gravestone is the date of birth and date of death. Some of us get more days than others for sure. But they are all numbered.

So just exactly what do you object to here? (ever so politely, I might add) My break from the pattern that others had begun? I surely hope I misunderstood your "hint" that the only earnest response would be a funny, personal response. That smacks of subtle censoring.
posted by Penny Wise at 10:49 PM on April 17, 2007


I just made some a nice batch of Rice Crispies bars.
And I've got some ice-cold milk.
Let's all sit down together and have a snack.
posted by Dizzy at 10:58 PM on April 17, 2007


My mother wants "She always said her feet were killing her."

I'd be content with the classic "I'll thank you not to wipe your butt on my grave."
posted by grapefruitmoon at 11:58 PM on April 17, 2007


"Here lies dangerousdan
. . . and he's bloody annoyed"

With thanks to Rowan Atkinson.
posted by dangerousdan at 2:42 AM on April 18, 2007


miss lynnster -- wow. So the epitaph I'd heard was yet another quip! Every day I learn something new....

Here lie two babies, dead as nits
They died from agonzining fits
They were too good to live with we
So God took them to live with he

posted by pax digita at 3:25 AM on April 18, 2007


So I'm Here
So I'm Dead
So It Goes
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 5:22 AM on April 18, 2007


Well pax, the only reason I knew that wasn't Eddie Cantor's epitaph was because I used to be a tourguide in LA so I've seen a lot of celebrity gravesites. Sorry for bursting bubbles...
posted by miss lynnster at 9:34 AM on April 18, 2007


My epitaph? "LFG"

Yes, I'm a WoW nerd. *cry*
posted by Verdandi at 2:29 PM on April 18, 2007


Best before MM/DD/YY
posted by NewBornHippy at 2:52 PM on April 18, 2007 [1 favorite]


"Read 'em and weep, the dead man's hand again."
posted by emf at 6:45 AM on April 19, 2007


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