The Power of the Penis

April 17, 2007 3:00 PM

The Power of the Penis [YouTube],[NSFW]. I'm sorry for making my first post ever a single link YouTube post, but this Atlanta Public Access TV clip is the most educational video I have ever seen. Alexyss Tylor hosts a show on 'Vagina Power 'and 'Penis Power' with her mother. It's about 9 minutes of true insight - women, don't let men hit the bottom or use their penis as a weapon! Separate the love, the orgasm, and the penis, OK? Make sure he buys you the shrimp plate though!
posted by waitingtoderail (302 comments total)

That's weird. I was just thinking of a plate of shrimp.
posted by ODiV at 3:05 PM on April 17, 2007 [5 favorites]

OK, for a single link youtube post, this definitely qualifies as amusing. Amusing beyond all hope of being serious.
posted by daq at 3:09 PM on April 17, 2007

What an awesome cocktail (hah, sorry): healthy open discussion of sex with sheer bizzareness. If it was a martini, I'd guess the vermouth is the healthy part, the gin is the crazy, and it's hell of dirty.

We won't discuss vodka martinis because I didn't make it past the part with the jackrabbit hopping around while the lady is at work.
posted by freebird at 3:14 PM on April 17, 2007

When you say shrimp, are you implying that my peepee is small?
Because I'm hung like a chihuahua.
posted by Dizzy at 3:14 PM on April 17, 2007

This is a GOLDMINE of Metafilter: quotes.
posted by matty at 3:16 PM on April 17, 2007

A side of penis....
posted by caddis at 3:17 PM on April 17, 2007

Also, I'd just like to say that I'm hooked on the penis power.
posted by matty at 3:19 PM on April 17, 2007

"What would drive a woman to use toys"

You expect a euphemism, but

"A lot of women just want their vagina filled, they're hooked on clitoral stimulation"
posted by delmoi at 3:21 PM on April 17, 2007

We can close the Internet now.
It can't get any better than this.
posted by Thorzdad at 3:24 PM on April 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

Thanks for posting this. I learned something that I didn't know. And I'm definitely gonna be on the watchout.
posted by dobbs at 3:25 PM on April 17, 2007

"We are livin' in the 21st Century..."

The older woman's expression is great. "It does what...?"
posted by sweet mister at 3:25 PM on April 17, 2007

I got up to the jack rabbit bit.

*cracks up and dies*
posted by liquorice at 3:26 PM on April 17, 2007

"Some men, they have so much heat and intensity in their penis, that you can feel it radiating through their clothes, just to touch the penis, it's on fire, like fire underneath their skin!"
posted by awesomebrad at 3:26 PM on April 17, 2007

Also:
"With a penis up in your vagina you don't have no defenses!"
posted by awesomebrad at 3:30 PM on April 17, 2007

This is a GOLDMINE of Metafilter: quotes.

Agreed. Who's up to providing a written transcript?
posted by ericb at 3:30 PM on April 17, 2007

"I have a masters degree in being played by men, used by men, told every thing I want to hear to get me in the positions...I am very upset by being made a fool of......."

Wow, just wow.

and the answer "stay prayed up"

next up - Vagina Power
posted by caddis at 3:30 PM on April 17, 2007

Alexyss Tylor's Vagina Power website (caution: cheesy embedded MIDI loop plays upon loading).

Google cache of Alexyss Tylor's MySpace page.
posted by ericb at 3:32 PM on April 17, 2007

Ohman, Ohman, the last ten seconds....*dies again*
posted by liquorice at 3:33 PM on April 17, 2007

MetaFilter: screwing you into submission
posted by liquorice at 3:34 PM on April 17, 2007 [3 favorites]

This is a GOLDMINE of Metafilter: quotes.

Agreed. Who's up to providing a written transcript?

I'll do the first 4 minutes if someone else will take the rest.
posted by waitingtoderail at 3:35 PM on April 17, 2007

waitingtoderail wins the "best. first. post. evar." prize.
posted by Thorzdad at 3:35 PM on April 17, 2007

Lest we forget the Puppetry of the Penis.
posted by ericb at 3:36 PM on April 17, 2007

She just keeps getting better as it goes! And yeah, the last 10 seconds is a brilliant (anti)climax to the whole thing.

She's like a preacher. Or a poet. A penis poet preacher.
posted by SmileyChewtrain at 3:37 PM on April 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

Metafilter: It will reduce her to a cum freak.
posted by macadamiaranch at 3:38 PM on April 17, 2007 [2 favorites]

I just realized as I'm transcribing this that it's all one run-on sentence.
posted by waitingtoderail at 3:41 PM on April 17, 2007

Metafilter: like fire under the skin.
posted by mdonley at 3:47 PM on April 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

Metafilter: Living To Ejaculate
posted by Flashman at 3:52 PM on April 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

Metafilter: It'll give you a mouth full of sperm or a rectum full of sperm
posted by PeterMcDermott at 3:53 PM on April 17, 2007 [3 favorites]

This is 20 kinds of awesome. Excellent find!
posted by jonson at 3:54 PM on April 17, 2007

Wow...the cumulative effect after a few minutes is insane. I had to stop because I'm snorting with ill-suppressed hysterical giggling now.
posted by everichon at 3:54 PM on April 17, 2007

waitingtoderail writes "I just realized as I'm transcribing this that it's all one run-on sentence."

Holy shit, you're right. That's got to be both the longest and best sentence I've ever heard.
posted by bugbread at 3:54 PM on April 17, 2007

Every single word of this is comedy gold.
posted by Senor Cardgage at 3:54 PM on April 17, 2007

Oh, man, around 5:20 it's totally totally awesome. I'm crying.
posted by bugbread at 3:55 PM on April 17, 2007

you guys are making me really fucking wish i wasn't at work right now
posted by nathancaswell at 3:58 PM on April 17, 2007

Although not quite up to Alexis's fine standards, I'm growing very fond of Man and Wife
posted by PeterMcDermott at 3:59 PM on April 17, 2007

you guys are making me really fucking wish i wasn't at work right now
Hell, if you want to se how quickly an office can come to a screeching halt, distribute the link around.
posted by Thorzdad at 4:00 PM on April 17, 2007

It's actually quite enlightening in many ways. I have to admit, I'm learning a lot.
posted by Kraftmatic Adjustable Cheese at 4:00 PM on April 17, 2007

Metafilter: Posting the best NSFW when UR@W.
posted by billder at 4:01 PM on April 17, 2007 [2 favorites]

ok fuck this, i'm downloading it, putting it on my ipod, and hiding in the stairwell for the next 9 minutes...
posted by nathancaswell at 4:01 PM on April 17, 2007

hahahahaaahahahahahahahahahahahah
posted by PigAlien at 4:03 PM on April 17, 2007

Alexyss's homepage. She seems pretty serious about this vagina power thing - serious enough to include it in her domain name.
posted by hypocritical ross at 4:04 PM on April 17, 2007

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
posted by PigAlien at 4:04 PM on April 17, 2007

crap... already posted. sorry.
posted by hypocritical ross at 4:04 PM on April 17, 2007

This helps me understand why my own youtube post earlier today only got one comment: sure, it was batshitinsane, but it doesn't hold a candle to this.

Not. A. Candle.
posted by bugbread at 4:07 PM on April 17, 2007

"Jack Rabbit?"
posted by meh at 4:07 PM on April 17, 2007

Something about the way she says "vagina power" at the end....
posted by Afroblanco at 4:10 PM on April 17, 2007

OK, I got up to 3:38 and it seemed a good place to hand over to someone else:

Alexyss Tylor:...of some of the things I'm talking about, because if you really wanna earn your man you need to learn your man, and a lot of the time we get caught up with the wrong man, or caught up in a man's penis power because it's good - I mean, if a man has been around and he's a ho, especially like the ones I'm talking about, they're hopping from here, here, and there - they have a lot of practice and they know a woman's body, they know the power of their penis, and they know how to soothe her body and to soothe her vagina, so it's really easy to be caught up with that dog kind of man, like that one girl asked me, "Well why" she thought something was wrong with her because she liked the flashy guys with the jewelry. I said there's nothing wrong with liking a flashy man, you just have to know what kind of spirit and energy he's carrying, cause there are some good men, although they still like to flash, they're not whores and they don't give their penis to everybody. You have to be able to recognize them, because the man that is living to ejaculate? He's in a predator mode. And when a man is in a predator mode, he's going to look for the weaknesses of a woman - a woman that's lonely, her vagina is cold, she's laying in bed at night playing with her toys, or she's got a man beside her, he's a good provider, but he's not hitting the walls and working the middle like that dog that she's been having that sneaky sex with.

Mother: What drives a woman to...toys?

Alexyss Tylor: Because, like I said, she needs the vagina penetration. A lot of women are hooked on having clitoral stimulation. You have an outer orgasm with your clitoris, but also you have inner orgasms, inside, the intra-vagina, inside the vagina walls, hidden g-spots, and every woman's g-spot may be similar or some women may have more than one g-spot, so some women are actually hooked on cum. And I mean there's women that can be at work, at their desk, they got the jackrabbit on - it's a part you can buy, hook it onto your clitoris all throughout the day, and you can be having orgasms...

Mother (interrupting): Jackrabbit?

Alexyss Tylor: one of them, I know they call...I knew some girls, that was their favorite product - that was their favorite best buddy they keep in their pocketbook...

Mother: See, I go back to, when I was a little girl being raised in the country - jackrabbit jump from here to there.

Alexyss Tylor (interrupting): You're talking about the rabbits out...

Mother: No, I ain't talking about no real rabbit, but a rabbit in nature jump from here to there, just constantly moving.

Alexyss Tylor: Yes and they say they have taken that same concept of the rabbit jumping from here to there - the design of it - it jumps all up on the clitoris, just jump out of control and make the woman have an incredible orgasm.

Mother: We are living in the twenty-first century.

Alexyss Tylor: That's the mechanical jackrabbit for the clit.
--------------------------------------------------------------
(jump)
Alexyss Tylor: Some men, they have so much heat and intensity in their penis that you can feel it radiating through their clothes, just to touch the penis, it's on fire, it feels like it's fire underneath the skin. So a lot of women start going crazy, they actually think, cause not all penises are created equal and they don't hold the same level of intensity. So if there's one hot like that and he has the energy, he knows how to work his hips, work his buttocks, and really bend her and twist her like she's a pretzel and give her the gratification she needs, she's going to be hooked and think that that's love, or a deeper root level, she's going to become sexually, mentally, and emotionally attached - but he ain't no good, and this other man she's with, provides for her, takes care of children that ain't even his - that woman will still sneak and get that penis power from him, but what she doesn't realize is, we have to deal with our attachments and separate the love, the orgasm, and the penis. They are separate issues. Cause if we are in a lower level of it, and we hooked on the penis power, and this man won't even buy you some shrimp from Long John Silver's - and what, that plate $2.99?
posted by waitingtoderail at 4:15 PM on April 17, 2007 [5 favorites]

Sadly, I'm pretty sure I've never hit the bottom.
posted by ColdChef at 4:16 PM on April 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

Fantastic!

And I'm looking forward to the next installments: "There is another full hour of this TV Gold that I will post soon where Alexyss Tylor explains how homosexual men only hold "fake vagina power" and why "homeless men suck d*** for a sam-ich" among other great topics."
posted by jack_mo at 4:19 PM on April 17, 2007

More than one G-spot?

As far as I can tell, women divide readily into "Don't you even think about hitting bottom" and "Yes, please!" If only one could tell which at a distance ...

This was on public access TV?
posted by adipocere at 4:27 PM on April 17, 2007

The only thing that could make this any better is a PowerPoint presentation.
posted by freshwater_pr0n at 4:28 PM on April 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

"the penis done ejaculated all in her brain."

Excellent.
posted by dozo at 4:29 PM on April 17, 2007

I'll pick up on the next few minutes.
posted by liquorice at 4:30 PM on April 17, 2007

using the penis as a weapon?

"I see your Schwartz is as big as mine..."
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 4:33 PM on April 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

Oh my fucking God, it's like being in a car with my clients. I swear I was caught between two middle aged black women talking about sex toys this afternoon, it was just like this and I was thinking the whole time, "I really need to start recording this shit."
posted by The Straightener at 4:33 PM on April 17, 2007

The Long John Silvers near me seems to have take their advice. Well, in a way
posted by Senor Cardgage at 4:33 PM on April 17, 2007

O damn, PeterMcDermott, Man is Fat Man Scoop!
posted by dozo at 4:36 PM on April 17, 2007

I've also become a big fan of her Vagnia Power Slideshow.
posted by waitingtoderail at 4:37 PM on April 17, 2007

Do vaginas really get cold? You learn something new every day.
posted by kirkaracha at 4:38 PM on April 17, 2007

Comedy. Gold.
posted by dazed_one at 4:39 PM on April 17, 2007

hook it onto your clitoris

That sounds like it would be painful.
posted by kirkaracha at 4:40 PM on April 17, 2007

Metafilter: what is it offering you? A side of penis?
posted by WolfDaddy at 4:42 PM on April 17, 2007

*Stands up from crowd, clapping slowly*
posted by Bookhouse at 4:44 PM on April 17, 2007

I want to know what she's doing with her right hand.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 4:44 PM on April 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

Oh, my. Guess I've never hit bottom.
posted by maxwelton at 4:46 PM on April 17, 2007

Okay, I got lazy but I did up to 4:44

Well he give you a mouthful of sperm and a rectum full of sperm and he gonna get a light ring (?). It’s like, we have to see what our issue is, because a man like that doesn’t respect a woman. Yeah he’ll hit her, but if a man is having sex with you and he had an opportunity to be with you or he’s a ex so that means he had you before the other man that’s providing for you could get to you and all he’s offering you is a side of penis when he can sneak in and out of your man bed and out your man house. That man ain’t got no respect for you and he know you don’t have none for yourself but because you’re so hooked on him and you hooked on the penis you will sacrifice and sell yourself out to let him come in the back door or let him come at lunch or come in the dark when your real man don’t have the same penis power is (garbled, no idea?) so a woman think she’s getting over and thinking “oh that’s the best sex” she really playing herself and he playin’ her. Cause it ain’t about her, it’s about his ego and about his penis and his testicals and about how many notches he can get up on his belt to brag about.
posted by liquorice at 4:47 PM on April 17, 2007 [2 favorites]

Metafilter: Don't you even think about hitting bottom.
posted by rdone at 4:47 PM on April 17, 2007 [3 favorites]

> That's weird. I was just thinking of a plate of shrimp.

Robert Johnson wrote a whole song about one. (Listen to a snippet here. When oh when will they give us smellovision?)
posted by jfuller at 4:49 PM on April 17, 2007

The whole inexplicable K-Fed/Brittney thing just snapped into focus for me, too. Thank you, internets!
posted by maxwelton at 4:50 PM on April 17, 2007

Metafilter: a GOLDMINE of Metafilter: quotes
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:50 PM on April 17, 2007 [3 favorites]

Oh.

Oh, my God.
posted by kbanas at 4:53 PM on April 17, 2007

Thank you, MetaFilter, for enriching my life in infinite ways.

I can't wait to show this to my girlfriend. :)
posted by zoogleplex at 4:56 PM on April 17, 2007

hahahahahahahahahahahaha
posted by PigAlien at 4:56 PM on April 17, 2007

Metafilter: Hitting the Walls and Working the Middle
posted by The Straightener at 5:01 PM on April 17, 2007 [7 favorites]

Metafilter: actually hooked on cum.
posted by awesomebrad at 5:04 PM on April 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

Metafilter: Hooked on the penis.
posted by i_am_a_Jedi at 5:10 PM on April 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

Metafilter: hitting the walls and working the middle

couldn't resist
posted by geekyguy at 5:11 PM on April 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

Bzzt, you lose geekyguy.
posted by zoogleplex at 5:12 PM on April 17, 2007

shoulda previewed. d'oh.

eponysterical as delivered previously.
posted by geekyguy at 5:13 PM on April 17, 2007

I just showed this to my husband, and he didn't think it was funny at all. Which makes me question our entire marriage.
posted by macadamiaranch at 5:13 PM on April 17, 2007 [4 favorites]

It's like if you took the content of a sexuality seminar at the local women's college, and had Wanda Sykes work it into her act.
posted by gimonca at 5:14 PM on April 17, 2007

dozo writes "O damn, PeterMcDermott, Man is Fat Man Scoop!"

I wondered if it was him. I knew he was a DJ. He comes across as a hugely likeable guy without any of that hiphop misogyny at all.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 5:14 PM on April 17, 2007

I just showed this to my husband, and he didn't think it was funny at all. Which makes me question our entire marriage.

Better stay prayed up (as instructed)
posted by i_am_a_Jedi at 5:15 PM on April 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

I just showed this to my husband, and he didn't think it was funny at all. Which makes me question our entire marriage.

Yes, but does he hit bottom? (sorry, couldn't resist)
posted by waitingtoderail at 5:19 PM on April 17, 2007

macadamiaranch writes "I just showed this to my husband, and he didn't think it was funny at all. Which makes me question our entire marriage."

He's your *husband*, see. He hasn't been around, he isn't a ho, he isn't aware of the power of the penis and he doesn't know how to soothe a woman.
He's not working the sides, working the middle or hitting the bottom. It's no wonder he doesn't think it's funny. He doesn't know how to twist you and bend you like a pretzel.

You need a dog with heat in his penis. Now, how would you like to come along to Long John Silver for some shrimp?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 5:20 PM on April 17, 2007 [7 favorites]

". . . while he's thrusting the penis in and out, who who whose is it? Whose vagina is it? Who it belong to? What'd I say? Who? Who?"

And you may ask yourself
How do I work this?
And you may ask yourself
Where is that large orgasm?
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful vagina!
posted by fandango_matt at 5:37 PM on April 17, 2007 [17 favorites]

Robert Johnson wrote a whole song about one. wrt: Dead Shrimp Blues.

And here was me thinking that was a song about losing your penis power to the Devil as part of the price you pay at the crossroads to play guitar real pretty.

Makes it easier to keep it, the orgasm and the love separate though.
posted by Sparx at 5:38 PM on April 17, 2007

Wow — 9 minutes, 14 seconds without taking a breath. Alexyss may have a Master's in Johnson, but I'd say she's missed her calling: She's a shoo-in for triathlon gold in Beijing next year.
posted by rob511 at 5:41 PM on April 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

I can only watch about 30 seconds of this at a time because I keep cackling and I don't want to miss anything. This woman is both maternal and hot, and that in itself confuses the hell out of me. "Hittin' the walls and workin' the middle" is my new favorite phrase.

Metafilter: Programed all up in her rectum.
posted by tula at 5:49 PM on April 17, 2007

I believe I may channel Peter Griffin when I say: This is awesome.
posted by Pope Guilty at 5:55 PM on April 17, 2007

AHAHAHAHAHAHHAAA....

"...And then they start talkin'."
posted by katillathehun at 5:56 PM on April 17, 2007

That's nine minutes and fourteen seconds, more or less, of psychological projection.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 5:57 PM on April 17, 2007 [2 favorites]

Uh, whose vagina is this?
posted by dirigibleman at 6:00 PM on April 17, 2007

Bless Alexyss Tylor. Bless that woman.

You people may laugh, but in the wrong hands penis power is a terrible, terrible thing. If you'd ever had someone ejaculate into your brain you'd understand.
posted by melissa may at 6:12 PM on April 17, 2007 [15 favorites]

penis power corrupts. and absolute penis power corrupts absolutely.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 6:14 PM on April 17, 2007 [8 favorites]

My mother's sex talk with me as a teen was a lot like that.
posted by sleepy pete at 6:15 PM on April 17, 2007 [2 favorites]

graham chapman and eric idle are MASTERS of disguise, aren't they?

"French Ticklers! Black Mambos! Crocodile Ribs! Sheaths that are designed not only to protect, but also to enhance the stimulation of sexual congress."
posted by pyramid termite at 6:23 PM on April 17, 2007

At the end, the mother says: "The only thing I can say is, again, I've learned something that I didn't know"

Yes. I think we all learned something today. Thank you.
posted by jefbla at 6:24 PM on April 17, 2007

Eheh she is definitely acting a "I ain't takin no shit motherfucker" 'tude ..she has some valid point, but she is messing a lot , doing a lot of confusion and worst of it taking an antagonistic point of view man vs woman.
posted by elpapacito at 6:26 PM on April 17, 2007

"Uh, whose vagina is this?"

Good question. dirigibleman? You may want to avoid her for a month or so. Last jackrabbit hit bottom for sure.
posted by Penny Wise at 6:26 PM on April 17, 2007

The whole thing is just amazing, but when her mother says "We are living in the twenty-first century" in response to the jackrabbit I lost my fucking mind. Hooooleeeeey Shit.
posted by Divine_Wino at 6:26 PM on April 17, 2007

No, no, elpapacito! Man vs women? More like jackrabbit vs. man! Very proud of the metafilter men in not being dragged down to "bottom" here. ;)
posted by Penny Wise at 6:31 PM on April 17, 2007

This thread is worthless without pictures.
posted by ryoshu at 6:39 PM on April 17, 2007

Holy crap, I'm literally in tears... this thread had more genuinely laugh-out-loud funny moments than anything I've read in a while. Awesome, and thanks all.
posted by jonson at 6:44 PM on April 17, 2007

This is the best of the web. For real.
posted by Jeremy at 6:55 PM on April 17, 2007

That was her MOTHER?

I was trying to figure the show out for the whole nine minutes. Was the talkative lady supposed to be interviewing the quiet lady and didn't know how to properly conduct an interview, or was the talkative lady trying to sell a book and the quiet lady didn't know how to control her interview guest?

Didn't the talkative lady know she was on television? I doubt she realized it'd get broadcast beyond public access tv where she theorized no one was watching anyway - now the whole planet can see it.

What the hell kinda public access show is this anyway? Public access is not supposed to be this entertaining. It might draw ratings away from actual network programming. Then where will we be?

Wayne's World seems so... tame in comparison now...
posted by ZachsMind at 7:02 PM on April 17, 2007

Wow.

" He breakin her down man -- screwin her into slavery..."

She is ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Was there a question that prompted this....barrage?

The outro -- cut to groovin A - then to All Prayed Up -

oh my god wow.

Thanks!
posted by RubberHen at 7:09 PM on April 17, 2007

My face is on fire. My shirt is covered in tears. Word cannot express my approval. You, sir, deserve a Nobel Prize for finding this.

Oh, and lest I forget.

Metafilter: Because all penises are not created equal.
posted by aftermarketradio at 7:10 PM on April 17, 2007

Cable access is the purest art form in America.
posted by Ynoxas at 7:14 PM on April 17, 2007

WOOP! Work dat middle! You done hit the bottom! That post done ejaculated in my brain!
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 7:20 PM on April 17, 2007

I love the way she pronounces "penis." Well, really, I love pretty much everything about this clip. I want a higher-resolution version to put on DVD, maybe as a stocking stuffer. A stocking stuffer that hits the sides and works the middle.
posted by uncleozzy at 7:20 PM on April 17, 2007

You, sir, deserve a Nobel Prize for finding this.

I actually had a friend point it out to me, so I'll have to pass the Nobel on to him. I also see that it's posted at WFMU's Beware of the Blog, (which I saw after posting) so I suppose the credit is actually theirs.
posted by waitingtoderail at 7:20 PM on April 17, 2007

I love the way she pronounces "penis."


THE PEENUS
posted by rxrfrx at 7:25 PM on April 17, 2007

Just for reference: The Rabbit

And also, dammit waitingtoderail, I was going to post this too. So long as it got posted.

I have to go now, my vagina is getting cold.
posted by emjaybee at 7:25 PM on April 17, 2007

Put on.
posted by rleamon at 7:34 PM on April 17, 2007

Okay, am I the only guy wondering if she's a complete freak in the sack and really into it?
posted by adipocere at 7:46 PM on April 17, 2007

YT comment by the video uploader:

There is another full hour of this TV Gold that I will post soon where Alexyss Tylor explains how homosexual men only hold "fake vagina power" and why "homeless men suck d*** for a sam-ich" among other great topics.

Oh, and fantastic post.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 7:56 PM on April 17, 2007

Okay, am I the only guy wondering if she's a complete freak in the sack and really into it?

Well. She certainly seems to know all my secrets. So I'm betting yes.
posted by tkchrist at 8:02 PM on April 17, 2007

Dear Moderators: Please re-enact parts of this video for this week's podcast. kthxbye.
posted by macadamiaranch at 8:04 PM on April 17, 2007 [22 favorites]

I've sent this to everyone I know. If my boss doesn't laugh 'till he pukes then I really don't want to work here anymore.
posted by Mamapotomus at 8:07 PM on April 17, 2007

So does anyone know if she's for or against sex? I'm assuming that cuz her show is called Vagina Power, she's insinuating that the enemy is Penis Power.

"Okay, am I the only guy wondering if she's a complete freak in the sack and really into it?"

Sounds to me like she's got too many hangups. Too much baggage there. Too much water under her bridge and it's getting all backed up.

She'd stop you in the middle of lovemaking if you happened to be a talker, cuz she doesn't want you puttin' no whammies on her head and conditioning her while she's in a susceptible state of mind and her defenses are down. In fact, I doubt she ever lets her defenses down long enough to let a man get a word in edgewise.

Freak in the sack? Maybe just a freak is all.
posted by ZachsMind at 8:07 PM on April 17, 2007

The fastest and funniest nine minutes ever. Alexyss has obviously harnessed the awesome energy of vagina power.
posted by CMichaelCook at 8:07 PM on April 17, 2007

She certainly seems to know all my secrets.

Yes, she has an insight into sexual experiences that belies the third-person analysis.
posted by Miko at 8:07 PM on April 17, 2007

Okay, am I the only guy wondering if she's a complete freak in the sack and really into it?

At one point she closes her eyes while describing a "scenario", and it dawns on me ... she's recalling an event. There's nothing hypothetical about her examples - they all happened and she's venting ;)
posted by itchylick at 8:08 PM on April 17, 2007

If HBO gave her a show to host…I'd watch it. I'm just not sure exactly what for.
posted by timelord at 8:09 PM on April 17, 2007

At first I thought this was going to be a rant by Alexis Taylor, the porn star. But that wouldnt have been nearly as fun.

Okay, am I the only guy wondering if she's a complete freak in the sack and really into it?
About half-way through the clip she looks like she's about to slip into some sex-fueled fugue. I'm guessing she's one of those crazy women who's a lot of fun to sleep with but will boil your bunny if you turn your back on her.
posted by lekvar at 8:12 PM on April 17, 2007

I'm speechless.
posted by tellurian at 8:15 PM on April 17, 2007

MetaFilter: will boil your bunny if you turn your back on her.
posted by cgc373 at 8:15 PM on April 17, 2007

Am I really the only one who saw "Penis Power" and thought of Zardoz?
posted by teferi at 8:21 PM on April 17, 2007

For those of you who are at work and can't wait to go home and go to YouTube, I put my vestigial super-medical-transciptionist skills to good use by transcribing from 4:44 on. Y'all can thank me later.

(I don't there's anything hypothetical about Alexyss' monologue/diatribe. Did anyone really think she was just imagining what some hypothetical man might do to some hypothetical woman?)

[4:44]

Alexyss: Remember, that’s why I was sayin’ on the other show, don’t let every man hit the bottom of your vagina, the root of your vagina, and you…

Co-host(?): They don’t know about the bottom. They don’t know about the bottom.

Alexyss: Yeah that bottom, but see every man might not know, because he might not have a penis to really know how to hit that bottom, or how to lift or hit that bottom and work that middle with a woman, she spread her legs wide and she start screaming, sayin’, “yeah daddy, that’s it,” or she might start cursin’ or screaming out all types of profanities ‘cause he doesn’t hit the bottom, and now her mind – she insane, her mind ain’t good because the penis done ejaculated all in her brain. She’s gone crazy. So you don’t let every man hit your bottom, and your body remembers it. Just like a man’ll put a woman over doggy style or maybe get a mirror or somethin’, then they start hittin’ that woman from the back, or from the back they hittin’ her. Then they start talkin’. They start sayin’ all kinda stuff to her while they hittin’ her, and see that woman is being seduced, she bein’ seduced, he breakin’ her down, man, he is screwin’ her into submission! He’s screwin’ her into slavery by using the penis as a weapon to break her ass down! And… and her defenses, I mean she wide open. With a penis all up in your vagina, man you don’t have no defenses! Unless you just really are thinking, and this is not about the love experience, this is about a money experience, or she’s a prostitute, then she’s working it just for her benefit. But when a woman’s really liking this man and she’s feelin’ him and what he’s doin’, ’specially if she’s sneakin’ around with him and he has nothin’ to give her and her man is treatin’ her better than he is, he has already got her defenses down but she’s very weak. And that’s the worst thing that can happen, is a man to get you and while he’s thrustin’ the penis in and out, who who who is it? Whose vagina is it? Who it belong to? What I say, who, who? And then the woman start callin’ out the man’s name, screamin’ the man’s name, then she let him know she comin’, when she comin’ she hollerin, she callin’ for him, man this stuff is programmed all up in this woman’s vagina, rectum, uterus, all up in this mind right here, and that will actually bind her, actually reduce her to a come freak.

So if she can’t get to him she’ll slip him in (?), and then that’s where the jackrabbits and all the different-size penises and dildos come in because she is tryin’ to… she’s rememberin’ and tryin’ to recapture that experience, and that’s why I said you don’t let want to everyone hit that bottom, you don’t want to let everybody spank you and talk to you all kind of ways because women, they… especially when their man pullin’ back and won’t give you the penis no more, women will be all in the bed at night, tossin’ and turnin’, they dreamin’ about it, lord have mercy they wake up out of their sleep because they dreamt that their man done did this to somebody else, and the thought of that you know is devastatin’, that woman’s heart get to beatin’ fast, blood pressure go up she can’t hardly catch her breath, just to think about that man has rationed that out and laid that out for somebody else and bent them over and talked to them too, and spanked them?

Co-host: [indecipherable]

Alexyss Tylor: [… ] and I don’t have any PhDs and masters degrees to put on my wall in academia, but I have a masters degree in being played by men, used by men, told everything I want to hear to get me into the positions, and I am… to be honest with you, I’m just gonna be real about it, I’m very upset by being made a fool out of and…

Alexyss: We’re about to close now, but is there somethin’… ‘cause I didn’t, I didn’t let you talk very much – you let me talk. Say what you want to say for the closing, go ahead and say what you want to say [laughing], I’m sorry!

Co-host: The only thing I can say is that again, I’ve learned something that I didn’t know. And I’m definitely gonna be on the watchout ‘cause I know what’s out there, it’ll come atcha, and from what you’re sayin’ it comin’ atcha with all full force, all this power comin’ atcha, then a girl don’t have a chance! So I’m gonna have to stay prayed up!

Alexyss: Yeah, we have to know who we are; we got to know our role.

Co-host: I got to keep standing in the Lord. I got to ask Jesus to keep me every day.

Alexyss: Thank you for watching the Alexyss Tylor Show, and we’ll see you next time with more of… Vagina Power!

[laughter]

Co-host: Peace.
posted by jenii at 8:30 PM on April 17, 2007 [4 favorites]

Thank you so much for this. I needed it (no doubt because of some kinda penis power brain-ejaculate).

I'm kinda confused about when "hitting it" means "sexual intercourse" and when it means "whacking into the cervix" and when it means "spanking". Also when "hitting the bottom" means...hitting the bottom, because that also seems to turn into cervix-bashing/spanking as well...maybe when I watch it again I can stop laughing so much that I get all bent up like a pretzel and understand all up in my uterus and mind better.

I want to subscribe to her newsletter.
posted by biscotti at 8:34 PM on April 17, 2007

I cannot get enough. So I went to the web site linked above and it seems to be out of whack. No doubt Alexyss has caught on and she's exceeded her bandwidth limits. But vaginapower.info is still up and running. And it has more videos! (And some freaky pictures of Alexyss in what looks like a German army officer's hat smoking a cigar.)
posted by CMichaelCook at 8:47 PM on April 17, 2007

Okay. I just watched her "costume" video, and it's not a German army officer's hat. It's pilot's hat, she says, "because you gotta be piloting the pussy."
posted by CMichaelCook at 8:54 PM on April 17, 2007

I see "piloting the pussy" and I interpret that to mean "doling out the pussy."
posted by ZachsMind at 9:00 PM on April 17, 2007

seriously, this is better than anything else i have ever seen on mefi. better than pessoa even. oh my god!
posted by ifjuly at 9:08 PM on April 17, 2007

You guys really, really didn't need to include spellings and whatnot to reproduce the vernacular. You might want to think about why you did as well as ZachsMind's choice in writing “cuz she doesn't want you puttin' no whammies on her head”.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 9:10 PM on April 17, 2007

becuz of ebonix?
posted by gorgor_balabala at 9:18 PM on April 17, 2007

OMG. If only I had a daughter. Wait! I have neices!


/runs off to bookmark and email this to various and sundry in-laws.
posted by lysdexic at 9:31 PM on April 17, 2007

well, fuck, I can't very well ruin the 69 favorites this thing has now by favoriting it.
posted by juv3nal at 9:32 PM on April 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

god from the fucking moment someone offered to transcribe this i knew it was only a matter of time until someone insinuated that replacing "ing" with "in'" means you're racist.

go read a coen brothers screenplay.
posted by nathancaswell at 9:32 PM on April 17, 2007

aw nevermind, someone else did it.
posted by juv3nal at 9:33 PM on April 17, 2007

EB - the vernacular she uses is part of teh funny. Losing that would have been a poor choice indeed.
posted by Justinian at 9:33 PM on April 17, 2007

god from the fucking moment someone offered to transcribe this i knew it was only a matter of time until someone insinuated that replacing "ing" with "in'" means you're racist.

Seriously. Go read Maus.
posted by jonson at 9:34 PM on April 17, 2007

MetaFilter: Yeah daddy, that’s it!
posted by Firas at 9:36 PM on April 17, 2007

Am I the only one who noticed she suddenly affected a White Newscaster Accent at the very end, when she was signing off? Devastating.

STAY PRAYED UP, MEFITES!
posted by Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson at 9:42 PM on April 17, 2007

I noticed the switch to Broadcast English too. I'd actually moved on to another tab and was only listening when I heard that part. I had to go back and replay it to be sure it was her.
posted by lysdexic at 9:49 PM on April 17, 2007

“EB - the vernacular she uses is part of teh funny. Losing that would have been a poor choice indeed.”

Oughn't that tell you something?
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 9:50 PM on April 17, 2007

THE COMPLETE ALEXIS TYLOR TRANSCRIPT
as brought to you by
Metafilter: The Bottom of Your Vagina

Alexyss Tylor:...of some of the things I'm talking about, because if you really wanna earn your man you need to learn your man, and a lot of the time we get caught up with the wrong man, or caught up in a man's penis power because it's good - I mean, if a man has been around and he's a ho, especially like the ones I'm talking about, they're hopping from here, here, and there - they have a lot of practice and they know a woman's body, they know the power of their penis, and they know how to soothe her body and to soothe her vagina, so it's really easy to be caught up with that dog kind of man, like that one girl asked me, "Well why…" - she thought something was wrong with her because she liked the flashy guys with the jewelry. I said there's nothing wrong with liking a flashy man, you just have to know what kind of spirit and energy he's carrying, cause there are some good men, although they still like to flash, they're not whores and they don't give their penis to everybody. You have to be able to recognize them, because the man that is living to ejaculate? He's in a predator mode. And when a man is in a predator mode, he's going to look for the weaknesses of a woman - a woman that's lonely, her vagina is cold, she's laying in bed at night playing with her toys, or she's got a man beside her, he's a good provider, but he's not hitting the walls and working the middle like that dog that she's been having that sneaky sex with.

Mother: What drives a woman to... toys?

Alexyss Tylor: Because, like I said, she needs the vagina penetration. A lot of women are hooked on having clitoral stimulation. You have an outer orgasm with your clitoris, but also you have inner orgasms, inside, the intra-vagina, inside the vagina walls, hidden g-spots, and every woman's g-spot may be similar or some women may have more than one g-spot, so some women are actually hooked on cum. And I mean there's women that can be at work, at their desk, they got the jackrabbit on - it's a part you can buy, hook it onto your clitoris all throughout the day, and you can be having orgasms...

Mother (interrupting): Jackrabbit?

Alexyss Tylor: …one of them, I know they call...I knew some girls, that was their favorite product - that was their favorite best buddy they keep in their pocketbook...

Mother: See, I go back to, when I was a little girl being raised in the country - jackrabbit jump from here to there.

Alexyss Tylor (interrupting): Yeah, well, you're talking about the rabbits out...

[CROSSTALK]

Mother: Jump! Jump! No, I ain't talking about no real rabbit, but a rabbit in nature jump from here to there, just constantly moving.

Alexyss Tylor: Yes and they say they have taken that same concept of the rabbit jumping from here to there - the design of it - it jumps all up on the clitoris, just jump out of control and make the woman have an incredible orgasm.

Mother: We are living in the twenty-first century.

Alexyss Tylor: That's the mechanical jackrabbit for the clit.

[JUMP]

Alexyss Tylor: Some men, they have so much heat and intensity in their penis that you can feel it radiating through their clothes, just to touch the penis, it's on fire, it feels like it's fire underneath the skin. So a lot of women start going crazy, they actually think, cause all penises are not created equal and they don't hold the same level of intensity. So if there's one hot like that and he has the energy, he knows how to work his hips, work his buttocks, and really twist her and bend her like she's a pretzel and give her the gratification she needs, she's going to be hooked and think that that's love, or a deeper root level, she's going to become sexually, mentally, and emotionally attached - although he ain't no good, and this other man she's with, provides for her, takes care of children that ain't even his - that woman will still sneak and get that penis power from him, but what she doesn't realize is, we have to deal with our attachments and separate the love, the orgasm, and the penis. They are separate issues. Cause if we are in a lower level of it, and we hooked on the penis power, and this man won't even buy you some shrimp from Long John Silver's - and what, that plate, what, $2.99?

Well he give you a mouthful of sperm and a rectum full of sperm and he gonna get a light ring (?). It’s like, we have to see what our issue is, because a man like that doesn’t respect a woman. Yeah he’ll hit her, but if a man is having sex with you and he had an opportunity to be with you or he’s a ex so that means he had you before the other man that’s providing for you could get to you, and all he’s offering you is a side of penis when he can sneak in and out of your man bed and out your man house. That man ain’t got no respect for you and he know you don’t have none for yourself but because you’re so hooked on him and you hooked on the penis you will sacrifice and sell yourself out to let him come in the back door or let him come at lunch or come in the dark when your real man don’t have the same penis power is handling all the expenses so a woman think she’s getting over and thinking “oh that’s the best sex” she really playing herself and he playin’ her. Cause it ain’t about her, it’s about his ego and about his penis and his testicles and about how many notches he can get up on his belt to brag about.

[JUMP]

Alexyss Tylor: Remember, that’s why I was sayin’ on the other show, don’t let every man hit the bottom of your vagina, the root of your vagina, and you…

Mother: They don’t know about the bottom. They don’t know about the bottom.

Alexyss Tylor: Yeah that bottom, but see every man might not know, because he might not have a penis to really know how to hit that bottom, or how to lift or hit that bottom and work that middle with a woman, she spread her legs wide and she start screaming, sayin’, “yeah daddy, that’s it,” or she might start cursin’ or screaming out all types of profanities ‘cause he doesn’t hit the bottom, and now her mind – she insane, her mind ain’t good because the penis done ejaculated all in her brain. She’s gone crazy. So you don’t let every man hit your bottom, and your body remembers it. Just like a man’ll put a woman over doggy style or maybe get a mirror or somethin’, then they start hittin’ that woman from the back, or from the back they hittin’ her. Then they start talkin’. They start sayin’ all kinda stuff to her while they hittin’ her, and see that woman is being seduced, she bein’ seduced, he breakin’ her down, man, he is screwin’ her into submission! He’s screwin’ her into slavery by using the penis as a weapon to break her ass down! And… and her defenses, I mean she wide open. With a penis all up in your vagina, man you don’t have no defenses! Unless you just really are thinking, and this is not about the love experience, this is about a money experience, or she’s a prostitute, then she’s working it just for her benefit. But when a woman’s really liking this man and she’s feelin’ him and what he’s doin’, ’specially if she’s sneakin’ around with him and he has nothin’ to give her and her man is treatin’ her better than he is, he has already got her defenses down but she’s very weak. And that’s the worst thing that can happen, is a man to get you and while he’s thrustin’ the penis in and out, who who who is it? Whose vagina is it? Who it belong to? What I say, who, who? And then the woman start callin’ out the man’s name, screamin’ the man’s name, then she let him know she comin’, when she comin’ she hollerin, she callin’ for him, man this stuff is programmed all up in this woman’s vagina, rectum, uterus, all up in this mind right here, and that will actually bind her, actually reduce her to a cum freak.

So if she can’t get to him she’ll slip him in, and then that’s where the jackrabbits and all the different-size penises and dildos come in because she is tryin’ to… she’s rememberin’ and tryin’ to recapture that experience, and that’s why I said you don’t let want to everyone hit that bottom, you don’t want to let everybody spank you and talk to you all kind of ways because women, they… especially when their man pullin’ back and won’t give you the penis no more, women will be all in the bed at night, tryin’ to sleep, tossin’ and turnin’, they dreamin’ about it, lord have mercy they wake up out of their sleep because they dreamt that their man done did this to somebody else, and the thought of that you know is devastatin’, that woman’s heart get to beatin’ fast, blood pressure go up she can’t hardly catch her breath, just to think about that man has rationed that out and laid that out for somebody else and bent them over and talked to them too, and spanked them?

Mother: [indecipherable]

[JUMP]

Alexyss Tylor: [… ] and I don’t have any PhDs and masters degrees to put on my wall in academia, but I have a masters degree in being played by men, used by men, told everything I want to hear to get me into the positions, and I am… to be honest with you, I’m just gonna be real about it, I’m very upset by being made a fool out of and bein’…

[JUMP]

Alexyss Tylor: We’re about to close now, but is there somethin’… ‘cause I didn’t, I didn’t let you talk very much – you let me talk. Say what you want to say for the closing, go ahead and say what you want to say [laughing], I’m sorry!

Mother: The only thing I can say is that again, I’ve learned something that I didn’t know. And I’m definitely gonna be on the watchout ‘cause I know what’s out there, it’ll come atcha, and from what you’re sayin’ it comin’ atcha with all full force, all this power comin’ atcha, then a girl ain’t got a chance! So I’m gonna have to stay prayed up!

Alexyss Tylor: Yeah, we have to know who we are; we got to know our role.

Mother: I got to keep standing in the Lord. I got to ask Jesus to keep me every day.

Alexyss Tylor: Thank you for watching the Alexyss Tylor Show, and we’ll see you next time with more of… Vagina Power!

[laughter]

Mother: Peace.

-------------
This transcript is owing to the strikingly accurate efforts of waitingtoderail, licquorice, and jenii, and my own remarkable powers of cut and paste. (I also ran through the video and gave a quick copy edit.)
posted by bicyclefish at 9:51 PM on April 17, 2007 [28 favorites]

Jesu Christe, EB! I'm not going to bother to argue here besides to say you're tilting at windmills.
posted by Firas at 9:53 PM on April 17, 2007

“Jesu Christe, EB! I'm not going to bother to argue here besides to say you're tilting at windmills.”

She says some outrageously silly things and it's funny when she does. But I don't believe for a second that it's exclusively the content of what she says that people here find so hilarious. ZachsMind's affected tone in what he wrote says as much. Justinian literally says as much. I'd like to say that there's a class issue underneath this, but as far as I can tell this woman is intelligent and middle-class. That leaves race.

There's no reason for me to continue arguing this, so I won't. I just hope that I've made some people in this thread think about their reaction to this clip.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 10:06 PM on April 17, 2007

HI I'M ON METAFILTER AND I COULD OVERTHINK A PLATE OF SHRIMP
posted by Afroblanco at 10:10 PM on April 17, 2007 [6 favorites]

Seriously depressing, if you ask me..
posted by Chuckles at 10:15 PM on April 17, 2007

MetaFilter: it’s about his ego and about his penis and his testicals and about how many notches he can get up on his belt to brag about.
posted by Chuckles at 10:15 PM on April 17, 2007

Alright, so it's obviously stereotypically 'black' sexuality as opposed to white sexuality. So what? Nobody is out there denying that African-American culture is fairy explicitly randy. Heck, that's the argument by Henry Louis Gates, Jr. used in defense of 2 Live Crew in court.

Why not make your charge explicit? "I think finding this funny is racist because __________."
posted by Firas at 10:16 PM on April 17, 2007

In defense of white males everywhere, there have been some moments on Sex with Sue that have made me laugh almost as hard...
posted by anthill at 10:20 PM on April 17, 2007

But I don't believe for a second that it's exclusively the content of what she says that people here find so hilarious.

Yeah, because it totally wouldn't be funny if it was Queen Elizabeth II and the Queen Mother if she weren't dead, both using over the top posh Received Pronunciation:

QE2: And I mean there are women that can be at work, at their desk, with a jackrabbit on - it's a part you can buy, hook it onto your clitoris all throughout the day, and you can continue to have orgasms...

QM (interrupting): Jackrabbit?

QE2: …one of those, I know they call...I knew some girls, that was their favorite product - that was their best buddy they keep in their pocketbook...

QM: See, I go back to, when I was a little girl being raised in the country estate - a jackrabbit jumps from here to there.

QE2 (interrupting): Yes, well, you're talking about the rabbits out...

[CROSSTALK]

QM: Jump! Jump! No, I'm not talking about a real rabbit, but a rabbit in nature jumps from here to there, just constantly moving.

QE2: Yes and they say they have taken that same concept of the rabbit jumping from here to there - the design of it - it jumps upon the clitoris, jumps out of control and makes the woman have an incredible orgasm.

QM: We are living in the twenty-first century.

QE2: That's the mechanical jackrabbit for the clitoris.

That would be completely sober and lacking in any humor.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:30 PM on April 17, 2007 [10 favorites]

Oh, god. Every time I catch my breath after laughing till I can't breathe, I scroll down a little more, and some link or comment sends me back into hysterics.

This is gold-plated gold.
posted by sparkletone at 10:49 PM on April 17, 2007

Where the hell is "the bottom of your vagina"? I'm trying to picture that. Okay, I know I'm foolish to try to make sense of this. She's the only one who says stuff like this, right? I mean, there aren't a bunch of people running around that would take this seriously, right? Please?
posted by Listener at 11:00 PM on April 17, 2007

This is the twentyfirst century, where no vagina needs to go cold.

I wonder what she thinks of lesbians... how do these women ever manage without men ejaculating all up in their brains? Or have they truly harnessed the vagina power, hitting bottom and working it from the middle? It's a mystery.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 11:00 PM on April 17, 2007

That leaves race.

Uh huh. You go ahead and dwell on that, then, while the rest of us laugh at the fact that some woman delivered a frank and clearly bitter sexual tirade with her mother on a public access television show called VAGINA POWER.
posted by katillathehun at 11:02 PM on April 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

I think it would be even better if Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry were to do a version as Wooster and Jeeves:

WOOSTER: I say, Jeeves, that woman needs, how shall I say it? She needs vaginal penetration. Most women on the London scene are hooked on clitoral stimulation, not to mention the outer orgasms, inner orgasms within the intra-vagina, inside the vagina walls, all of which utilize hidden g-spots! Jeeves, fetch my copy of Gray's Anatomy.

JEEVES: Here, sir.

WOOSTER: Now then. Ah, yes! Here it is, diagram 42-B. Some women may have more than one g-spot, so some women are actually hooked on cum. Good lord, Jeeves!

JEEVES: Sir?

WOOSTER: Jeeves, according to this textbook, women can be at work, at their desk, and all the while they've got their jackrabbit on, hitched to their clitoris throughout the day, having orgasms . . .

JEEVES (interrupting): Jackrabbit, sir?

WOOSTER: The Jackrabbit, Jeeves. By George, one of them, a girl I knew at Oxford, the jackrabbit was her favorite traveling companion, riding about in her pocketbook!

JEEVES: Indeed, sir. I do remember as a young boy having seen jackrabbits jumping from here to there.

WOOSTER: What? No, Jeeves, I'm talking about a device for female pleasure!

JEEVES: Yes, sir. If I recall correctly, the jackrabbit device is so named for its ability to mimic and induce in women the hopping motions one observes in large-eared wild rodents.

WOOSTER: Precisely, Jeeves! Where was I?

JEEVES: Orgasm-inducing devices, sir.

WOOSTER: Thank you, Jeeves. Now then, we need to obtain one of these jackrabbits for my aunt Agatha. You say the same concept of the rabbit jumping from here to there--the design of it--it jumps up on the clitoris?

JEEVES: Yes, sir. The jackrabbit just jumps out of control and induces an incredible orgasm.

WOOSTER: We are living in the twenty-first century, Jeeves!

JEEVES: That's the mechanical jackrabbit for the clitoris, sir.
posted by fandango_matt at 11:02 PM on April 17, 2007 [31 favorites]

I just showed this to my husband, and he didn't think it was funny at all. Which makes me question our entire marriage.

Ditto, except replace husband with girlfriend, and he with she. Oh, and marriage with something else. Whatever.
posted by pkingdesign at 11:07 PM on April 17, 2007

Jeeves: If I recall correctly, the jackrabbit device is so named for its ability to mimic and induce in women the hopping motions one observes in large-eared wild rodents.

(That night.)

"Jeeves!"

"Yes, Sir?"

"I have RAN here, through the streets of London, fleeing an abomination of a hidebound footman."

"It occured to me, Sir, that you looked a bit Out Of It. I thought it improper to inquire as to why."

I stared at him coldly. "Jeeves, you did not warn me to not gift my Aunt a device for—for—for private leisure."

Jeeves poured me a rivitalizing elixir. "You didn't notice my disapproving cough, Sir?"

"Jeeves!" I cried in despair. "Nevermind the aunt! What about my gift? The gift we sent off? I shall lose the girl!"

He paused. "Ah. I substituted a box of chocolates. More in season, shall we say."
posted by Firas at 11:20 PM on April 17, 2007 [3 favorites]

Firas I disagree with alright, so it's obviously stereotypically 'black' sexuality as opposed to white sexuality.

Its not a colour thing - it's a size thing.

Also, quality - I read the comments, and had to close the door to my office to listen. It has given me insight into past relationships...

*still chuckling several hours later*
posted by Samuel Farrow at 11:20 PM on April 17, 2007

The only thing is that W&J's hats wouldn't be as fine.
posted by WolfDaddy at 11:23 PM on April 17, 2007

And I thought the Robin Byrd show was the pinnacle of prurience on public access TV ...

Robin Byrd is not a patch on this phenomenal woman, Alexyss. I just wonder how mother and daughter look so very different and have a pretty non-existent rapport between each other.
posted by Azaadistani at 11:42 PM on April 17, 2007

So does anyone know if she's for or against sex?

Are you kidding? If you you got the penis power, she's got the vagina power baby.
posted by caddis at 11:47 PM on April 17, 2007

fandango_matt wins, except that I could totally imagine the membership of the Drones Club discussing these various issues.

Next on metafilter: THE EYE OF VAGINA POWER. "Thou does please me, wench," Grignr snarled as he ejaculated in her head. "Now I shall bend you like a pretzel from the stygian haunts of the pretzel oven and plumb your bottom! I shall work it in the middle with my mighting Qrnzaxian buttocks! You shall have a many-faucetted scarlet rectum of sperm!"
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:53 PM on April 17, 2007 [8 favorites]

but as far as I can tell this woman is intelligent and middle-class. That leaves race.

No, it leaves a great southern accent, excellent comedy timing, great facial expressions, incredibly candor and fabulous sex slang. Unless you're implying that a white woman couldn't have those qualities. It's her delivery--like she's recounting a story to her best girlfriends over coffee rather than over public airwaves--that makes it funny, not LOLBLX.
posted by tula at 11:53 PM on April 17, 2007 [5 favorites]

Incidentally, Listener, it's definitely possible to hit the 'bottom of your vagina' (ie. the cervix)—vaginas expand with arousal.
posted by Firas at 11:58 PM on April 17, 2007

As far as I can tell, women divide readily into "Don't you even think about hitting bottom" and "Yes, please!" If only one could tell which at a distance ...

Well, those categories may be a little fuzzier than you'd think -- some women could give either answer, depending on various circumstances around when you raise the question.
posted by Smilla's Sense of Snark at 1:02 AM on April 18, 2007

I totally remember seeing this video in 7th grade sex ed. Taught me everything I know today!
posted by nevafeva at 1:04 AM on April 18, 2007

I guessed "hitting the bottom" means close-up grinding. Whatever it means, she is awesome but her advice is terrible.
posted by teleskiving at 2:16 AM on April 18, 2007

katillathehun writes

"Uh huh. You go ahead and dwell on that, then, while the rest of us laugh at the fact that some woman delivered a frank and clearly bitter sexual tirade with her mother on a public access television show called VAGINA POWER."

Bitter? I didn't detect bitter as much as a kind of of wistful and conflicted regret.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 3:10 AM on April 18, 2007

Next on metafilter: THE EYE OF VAGINA POWER. "Thou does please me, wench," Grignr snarled as he ejaculated in her head.

You, sir, win the entire thread.

And you owe me a new keyboard.
posted by splice at 3:30 AM on April 18, 2007

I think it would be even better if Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry were to do a version as Wooster and Jeeves:

Fandango_Matt, I love that comment so much, I don't just want to favorite it, I want to hit its bottom and work its middle.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 4:46 AM on April 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

A moment of silence, please, for the TV crew. They had to hold the cameras steady while they were filming this. That must have been the hardest thing ever.
posted by Deathalicious at 5:20 AM on April 18, 2007

Actually, if you hit the cervix, which is *not* at the end of the vagina, but moves up and down along it to suck up the sperm, it's usually rather painful. This is why sex at certain points in the cycle can be uncomfortable.

When a woman is ovulating, the cervix moves to the highest point in the vagina that it reaches and sex at this time is least likely to have this problem. Which, of course, makes biological sense.

Which is why the concept of a "bottom of a vagina" is rather silly and part of what makes the thing funny-- the end of the vaginal canal (which probably should be seen more as the "top" anyway) is not especially sensitive.
posted by Maias at 6:10 AM on April 18, 2007

Ethereal Bligh writes "She says some outrageously silly things and it's funny when she does. But I don't believe for a second that it's exclusively the content of what she says that people here find so hilarious."

I'd say it's what she says and how she says it. Not the color of her skin. You can disbelieve that, of course, but you're going to need to provide some kind of evidence if you want to convince one of us who thinks the accent is also funny that the reason isn't because of the pronunciation "PEENUS", but in fact because she's black.
posted by bugbread at 6:39 AM on April 18, 2007

If it was a bunch of Hispanics or Hispanglos I know, there'd be slang slung everywhere, too. Do WASPS not have this kind of thing? No, wait, there's always the Cockney vernacular, no? But that's not here, that's over the pond.

So, yeah, there's a "class" thing going on here, where the "vernacular speakers" are presumed to be "uneducated", but she blows that right up at the end with her closing. Call it "outreach".

So I'm thinkin' it's a "schtick" thing, and we just wouldn't understand, sewhumsayin'? Comprendese vato?*





*yes, some find that offensive. It wasn't meant, just performance smart-assing
posted by lysdexic at 7:06 AM on April 18, 2007

"Thou does please me, wench,"

Edit: "Thou doth please me, wench,"
posted by spock at 7:12 AM on April 18, 2007

"Thou does please me, wench,"

Edit: "Thou doth please me, wench,"

Edit edit: "Thou dost please me, wench,"
posted by RogerB at 7:22 AM on April 18, 2007

Ethereal Bligh: I thought it was beneath you to troll.

You're an arrogant prick most of the time, and insufferably preachy and condescending all of the time, but I always felt outright trolling was still something you wouldn't stoop to, if for no other reason than to avoid any tarnish on your meticulously wrought online persona.

Obviously, I was wrong.

All Hail King Bligh, defender of hyper-sexed-but-in-denial negro public access talk show hosts everywhere!

May his decree of "You're only laughing because she's black!" go out across this blessed land!

Of course, also note if she were white, and the reaction were the same, EB would stridently proclaim us all sexists because "you're only laughing because she's a woman".

I don't find this as hysterically funny as some of the posters here obviously do, but it was funny, and highly amusing at times.

Remember back in the day Dr. Ruth was a celebrity for the sole reason that she was a tiny old woman who would openly say "penis"? Yeah, it's kinda like that.
posted by Ynoxas at 7:22 AM on April 18, 2007

You guys really, really didn't need to include spellings and whatnot to reproduce the vernacular

You must hate Mark Twain and Zora Neale Husrton.
posted by kirkaracha at 7:25 AM on April 18, 2007

"Thou does please me, wench,"

Edit: "Thou doth please me, wench,"

Edit edit: "Thou dost please me, wench,"

Y'all aren't getting into the Argonian spirit. When you're channeling Jim Theis -- when he's all up in your mental crevices -- you might occasionally misuse archaic English conjugations.

Also, you might refer to mighting buttocks. These would be buttocks that might. That might, both frequently and vigorously. So frequently and vigorously that the act of mighting is a salient characteristic of said buttocks.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:42 AM on April 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

The YouTube video has been removed, and the www.alexyssktylorvaginapower.com site has exceeded its bandwidth. Did anyone set up a mirror?
posted by matildaben at 7:45 AM on April 18, 2007

It loaded for me fine just now, matildaben. What kind of error message did youtube give you?

A mirror is definately a good idea though.
posted by and hosted from Uranus at 7:52 AM on April 18, 2007

Ok, now I'm getting the removed by user too.
posted by and hosted from Uranus at 7:55 AM on April 18, 2007

Did anyone download the video, or set up a mirror? I was about to make a remix!
posted by c:\awesome at 8:10 AM on April 18, 2007

I've still got it up in a Firefox tab. Attempts to open the same page in other browsers' give the "removed by user" page. Any way to grab it from my cache?
posted by now i'm piste at 8:19 AM on April 18, 2007

The YouTube video has been removed

It's been like that for the last half an hour or so sadly.

I sure do hope someone made copies.

This was my favourite part, as reconstructed from bicyclefish's post:

The only thing I can say is that again, I’ve learned something that I didn’t know. And I’m definitely gonna be on the watchout ‘cause I know what’s out there, it’ll come atcha, and from what you’re sayin’ it comin’ atcha with all full force, all this power comin’ atcha, then a girl ain’t got a chance! So I’m gonna have to stay prayed up!
posted by hadjiboy at 8:39 AM on April 18, 2007

I downloaded it and converted it to an ipod-sized .mp4 as I mentioned in an earlier comment. I can post it if someone wants to start a torrent or something, but I don't have the bandwidth to serve all of your needs. Email's on work section of website in profile if you want to hit me up and I'll send you a link to seed a torrent from.
posted by nathancaswell at 8:50 AM on April 18, 2007

and i've read maus like everyone else, thanks very much.
posted by nathancaswell<