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Make the Logo Bigger
April 20, 2007 4:31 PM   Subscribe

Make the logo bigger. (mp3) The fine folks at Speak Up provide a bit more explanation. One can only assume that the follow-up hit will be entitled either 'Split the Difference' or 'The Client Loved It, But They're Changing Everything.'
posted by ba (44 comments total) 27 users marked this as a favorite

 
:waving_lighter:
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 4:44 PM on April 20, 2007


I'm holding out for 'Wait (That's Not the Color I Wanted)'.
posted by cortex at 5:04 PM on April 20, 2007


I am crying tears of recognition and, ultimately, of my own powerlessness.
posted by MegoSteve at 5:13 PM on April 20, 2007


Where is the power ballad "Didn't we tell you (we've cancelled that campaign)?"
posted by Salmonberry at 5:14 PM on April 20, 2007


Clients are both the bane of the staff artist's day, and the source of much comic relief. I put this together in a moment's inspiration, a few years ago after a particularly bad day in pre-press:


The Art Department Triathlon:
This is a timed event: At the beginning of each leg, each contestant is handed an 8 oz. styrofoam cup of scalding hot coffee, which must be held in the left hand throughout the event. Any spillage results in a tenth of a second penalty. Spillage directly onto the keyboard or the client’s color inkjet proof results in a half second penalty.

First Leg:
Explain to the nervous administrative assistant why a Powerpoint graphic placed in a Microsoft word.doc cannot be used to print her boss’s “mission critical” eight spot color rush order, while simultaneously attempting to open said file in every graphic program available for the Macintosh, while the client looks over your shoulder and offers helpful advice, like “Right click! Right click!”

Second Leg:
Explain to secretary of nervous administrative assistant why the one-inch by two-inch 72 dpi jpeg that she just downloaded from their website and e-mailed you cannot be printed at twelve by twelve on their t-shirt. Hold for 3 way conference call, and repeat what you just said to an arrogant 23-year-old Webmaster who interrupts you repeatedly with admonitions to “Get into the 21st century!” This stage includes two compulsory moves: 1. Explain CMYK gamut in third grade english. Must include the phrase “The human eye can see millions of colors...” 2. Explain why you cant “just print it in RGB.”

Third Leg:
Recreate from scratch entire $10,000.00 corporate identity package in less than 100.00 dollars worth of billable art time, including three revisions, one each proofed by fax, e-mail and local courier. Print film, and forward to production dept. Winner is first to hand job folder over to next department head.
posted by Devils Rancher at 5:20 PM on April 20, 2007 [10 favorites]


*rolls on ground holding sides, simultaneously laughing and weeping*

Singles from Creeps in the Gutter (the all-prepress band) include Why Does The Color Look Different On My Monitor and It Came From Microsoft Publisher.
posted by lekvar at 5:35 PM on April 20, 2007 [4 favorites]


It's funny, because it's true.
posted by fandango_matt at 5:48 PM on April 20, 2007


It's funny, because it's true...actually, no, it's retriggering my PTSD.
posted by eriko at 5:52 PM on April 20, 2007


a current client:

Make the logo bigger
Make the letterhead un-faxable
Make the text on the website sit on a distracting background
Wants a brochure designed … within the current contract that doesn't include it
etc
etc

.
posted by parhamr at 6:00 PM on April 20, 2007


Here's a gem that actually came back from a client as a response to a proof:

- Here is the feedback from our marketing team on the first round of designs you are working on for us:

"Think of the patterns emerging from the exhaust and hair as a trail of LOVE, spreading upwards and evolving into more abstract, contemporary, filamentous and continuous lines that will soon merge with another world as they detach themselves from the cloth of the shirt and drift off into the ether of the universal. WOW! heavy stuff! Anyway, think of the patterns
as more rhythmical and lyrical, as if you can hear a music when you see them. See what evolves from your pen as you visualize the patterns that way. Don't be afraid to hand draw it if you need to. Push yourself, this one is going to be a challenge. Don't be too stuck on photoshop."


I shit you not.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:05 PM on April 20, 2007 [1 favorite]


Gets funnier on repeat. Makes me wish I didn't work alone - what a blast it would be to crank this in an office after a frustrating client consultation.
posted by davebush at 6:08 PM on April 20, 2007


Proposed graphic design bands:*

The Jaggies, rock
Implied Line, boy band
The Dithers, indie
Saddle Stitch, country
Figure/Ground Reversal, female R&B
Set Solid, heavy metal
posted by parhamr at 6:10 PM on April 20, 2007


The Knockouts more female R&B
posted by lekvar at 6:16 PM on April 20, 2007


Why Does The Color Look Different On My Monitor

I had an evil harpy of a client who once asked me to scan a page out of a National Geographic because she wanted to use a color that she saw in the picture. With the scanned page on the screen and with her looking over my shoulder, I used the eyedropper tool to select the color, but it wasn't good enough for her. She insisted it wasn't the color that was on the page she was holding. She didn't understand pixels.

"You're a graphic designer, right?" she snapped. "I mean, I THOUGHT you were a professional. Shouldn't you KNOW what color that is?"

And sundry other things. She was horrible. I refuse to put her name on my portfolio simply because she told me I needed her name in order to succeed.
posted by katillathehun at 6:50 PM on April 20, 2007


Make the letterhead un-faxable

What the hell?
posted by odinsdream at 7:17 PM on April 20, 2007


This is hilarious (and precisely why I am no longer a graphic designer).
posted by trip and a half at 7:29 PM on April 20, 2007


When I worked in Maine, the owner of a motel came in looking for a revision of his rather ghastly logo, which for no apparent reason contained a rather formidable eagle. He wanted us to embed subliminal messages in the wings. Good times.
posted by madamjujujive at 7:31 PM on April 20, 2007


I'm holding out for 'Wait (That's Not the Color I Wanted)'.

Dear Mr. Cortex,

If you want something done right...
posted by sparkletone at 7:34 PM on April 20, 2007


some Production Department porno:

Your Wet Trap left Hickeys all over my Spread so now it can't get Laid (finish).
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 7:41 PM on April 20, 2007 [2 favorites]


Wow, it's ad rock. I once had an Art Director from Japan angrily threaten to "make whole thing logo!" It was the only time she ever got mad about anything at work.
posted by Mister_A at 7:50 PM on April 20, 2007


I just commissioned a logo. I like to think I wasn't this hard to deal with.
posted by ODiV at 7:53 PM on April 20, 2007


When the client moans and sighs
Make his logo twice the size
If the client still proves refractory
Show a picture of the factory
Only in the gravest cases
Should you show the clients' faces

(David Ogilvy, I think).
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 8:01 PM on April 20, 2007 [1 favorite]


ODiV : I wouldn't worry. "Make the logo bigger" is only used when laying out a document/website/brochure/what-have-you. The logo's design doesn't really have a "size" to "make bigger". Only when it's being used somewhere in relation to other things on a given layout. Hope that made sense.
posted by revmitcz at 8:04 PM on April 20, 2007


"I mean, I THOUGHT you were a professional. Shouldn't you KNOW what color that is?"

I had a client bring in a piece of rough, worn denim -- about 1000 shades of blue & grey, depending on how you viewed it, and wanted me to mix a spot color to match it. I tried for the darker shade of the un-worn part of the wave that's between the ridges, and it was wrong, wrong, wrong. I tried to lighten it up, and it turned purple, and was still wrong, wrong, wrong. After about 20 minutes of back and forth, and nothing working, she was reduced to just shouting "DENIM! DENIM! I WANT DENIM!"

It became a battle cry in production whenever someone screwed something up for the next year or two.
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:21 PM on April 20, 2007 [2 favorites]


(wave=weave)
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:22 PM on April 20, 2007


It became a battle cry in production whenever someone screwed something up for the next year or two.

HAHAHA. That's awesome. After showing that to a coworker, it may have to become a battle cry over here, too.
posted by katillathehun at 8:29 PM on April 20, 2007


Make the smokesmodel sexier.
posted by ZachsMind at 8:38 PM on April 20, 2007


When shooting video and after the cut, the DP and I are fond of singing (showtune style): "That was perfect, yes perfect, let's do it again..."
posted by Haruspex at 8:40 PM on April 20, 2007


"DENIM! DENIM! I WANT DENIM!"

Jesus God, that's it exactly.

DENIM! IT'S NOT DENIM!

BWHAHAHAHA!!!!
posted by eriko at 8:54 PM on April 20, 2007


Message from a freelance client:
Priority wise, item 8 is the highest. We need to have it ready by the end of this week. Item 3 is the following one. Could you finish it by the end of next week? Item 6 and 7 are very quick ones and I am sure you can do them in 10 minutes. Item 2 is more important than item 1 and you can leave item 4 for last. Item 5 should already be done.
posted by kirkaracha at 10:59 PM on April 20, 2007


He wanted us to embed subliminal messages in the wings. Good times.

Haaaahhahaahahaha!

Right wing: U P G R A D E T O A D O U B L E R O O M

Left wing: M I N I B A R
posted by katillathehun at 11:03 PM on April 20, 2007 [1 favorite]


My wife and I both argue about PMS but she just doesn't understand.
posted by hal9k at 11:29 PM on April 20, 2007


I am SO in love with this song that I am tempted to put it as the new soundtrack to my saints site. If only they recorded a version of it chanted by nuns...
posted by miss lynnster at 12:35 AM on April 21, 2007


There is never a final round of revisions.
posted by Thorzdad at 4:54 AM on April 21, 2007


There is never a final round of revisions.
posted by Thorzdad at 4:54 AM on April 21


After it's approved by the client:
FallCampaignArtwork-FINAL-Spot.eps

After his wife sees it:
FallCampaignArtwork-ColorChanges-Spot.eps
FallCampaignArtwork-TextChangedtoComicSans-Spot.eps
FallCampaignArtwork-TextChangedtoBradleyHandandColorofDreamWifeHad-CMYK.eps
FallCampaignArtwork-EverythingReplacedWithWifesSketchOfADogOnAMotorcycle.tif
posted by Optimus Chyme at 6:27 AM on April 21, 2007 [2 favorites]


(Wipes blood off pica pole)

"Wow. That's some campaign. So what do you call your little design agency?"

"The Ultra Bodonis!"
posted by hal9k at 6:58 AM on April 21, 2007


"We'd like it to be woodsy, yet nautical."
posted by Dean King at 8:25 AM on April 21, 2007 [2 favorites]


Austin had a band for a few years, made up entirely of designers & production artists called Blackie White & the Halftones. It featured the dubious musical talents of my friend Guy Juke.
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:28 AM on April 21, 2007


"We'd like it to be woodsy, yet nautical."

I had that client, too.
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:29 AM on April 21, 2007


Best client direction I've gotten in the last year? I kid you not:

"Yeah, so we want this logo for this band. Something kind of earthy and hand rendered but we want it to have 3d dimension and texture in photoshop. We want it to look organic, just use digital textures and shading so it looks hand done. Oh, and we would like to throw in a nymph hanging from one of the letters."

A nymph?

"Yeah, there's some artist that used to draw them. Here's a link to a website of his stuff. We want the nymph to look kinda like that. They're like fairies. Or sprites or something. You know, just make up a generic supernatural woodland creature. Just throw one in there. That's all we want & we'll be done."

Uhhhh. Well, do you want a wood nymph or a water nymph?

I'll admit it. I totally flaked out on that guy & never did the project. He made my head hurt.
posted by miss lynnster at 8:43 AM on April 21, 2007 [2 favorites]


A few years back I was the designated "edgy" person for a campaign aimed at teenagers but funded by the government. I was supposed to know what was hip and cool, and make sure the ads were hip and cool, but, you know, without actually offending the state comptroller. Oh, Lord.

Leaving advertising was one of the best moves I ever made. But I miss money.
posted by Bookhouse at 8:44 AM on April 21, 2007


Can you make everything stand out a bit more?

/several clients over the years
posted by autodidact at 2:24 PM on April 21, 2007 [1 favorite]


Bookhouse writes "A few years back I was the designated 'edgy' person for a campaign aimed at teenagers but funded by the government."

Last year I worked on a sex-education project which involved some custom diagrams. During the project I received the best client feedback ever: "Tom: that's a *fantastic* vulva."
posted by blag at 2:19 PM on April 22, 2007 [4 favorites]


One of my favorites from my Disney days was when I was presenting a Mattel game featuring character artwork I had pulled directly out of the official Cinderella styleguide. The woman looked at the art, then looked at me, and said, "The dress is wrong. Cindy would never wear that shade of blue."
posted by miss lynnster at 3:38 PM on April 22, 2007


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