Biker action? Pffft...is there any other kind of action?

May 1, 2007 12:05 PM

The Diane Files"I decided with all of my resources at Kinko's to write a letter disguised as a girl looking for some 'biker action'. I don't remember the exact wording of the letter, but it was a brief introduction of myself (a petite and attractive blond, or course) with the simple question of what the biker prisoners would do to me when they got out of the joint. I photocopied about 60 of these letters, sprayed them with Calvin Klein's Obsession and sent them off to the prisoners. The responses started coming in a week later and didn't stop for close to a year."
Not just a nut, but a reverend and an artist as well.
posted by Betty Tyranny (60 comments total)

Remember that scene in the movie Ghost World where the girls set up a fake blind date with Seymour? "Diane Files" is kind of like that: funny until you realize real people are on the receiving end. It must be kinda lonely in prison, even if you are a scumbag biker criminal with a lot of facial hair.
posted by scratch at 12:20 PM on May 1, 2007 [4 favorites]

Sweet, just when I was looking for another excuse to despise the clergy, artists, and copy shop employees!
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 12:20 PM on May 1, 2007

Whoa, scratch read my mind.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 12:21 PM on May 1, 2007

Dude better hope none of those guys get out and hunt him down.
Or, if they do, be sure to video the results.
posted by Thorzdad at 12:24 PM on May 1, 2007

“Dude better hope none of those guys get out and hunt him down. ”

Yeah, he deserves a serious beating.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 12:25 PM on May 1, 2007

I cruised around this guy's site, looking for some sign that these letters might not just be the most pointless project a hack ever promoted, but by the look of it, pointless derivitive and havckneyed is what he's going for.

Please tell me the whole site is a put-on. That's be funny. The real Derek Erdman, then, really nails the pretentious captions and proliferate plywood paintings.

I highly value a pleasant surprise.

No word on how he copes with unpleasant ones. I've got one lined up.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 12:25 PM on May 1, 2007

Remember that scene in the movie Ghost World where the girls set up a fake blind date with Seymour? "Diane Files" is kind of like that: funny until you realize real people are on the receiving end. It must be kinda lonely in prison, even if you are a scumbag biker criminal with a lot of facial hair.

Agreed. How is this person any more or less a jerk than that douchebag who answered the sex personals on Craigslist for some stupid pet project?

And yeah, douchebag that he is I worry about his safety. He does understand prisoners have friends on the outside and that all of them know his mailing address, right?
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 12:30 PM on May 1, 2007 [1 favorite]

Kinda sad.
posted by OmieWise at 12:31 PM on May 1, 2007

I don't think this is ethical, even if they are "scumbag biker criminals" as he says. He's basically misleading them and then using their responses in order to make fun of them.
posted by bhouston at 12:32 PM on May 1, 2007

Prison: Where men are bitches, women are butches, and hot girls looking for biker action are artistic reverends.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 12:33 PM on May 1, 2007

Nice handwriting.
posted by inconsequentialist at 12:36 PM on May 1, 2007

I also worry for the guy's safety. These inmates can have confederates on the outside who would gladly beat someone up, or worse, if called upon.
posted by Danf at 12:36 PM on May 1, 2007

This guy is funny, but it would be a whole lot funnier to see him get hit in the face with a two-by-four that has a bunch of rusty nails sticking out of it at weird angles.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 12:37 PM on May 1, 2007 [1 favorite]

Maybe it's faked? Like a creative writing project, with a bit of a performance aspect plus the chance to do the varied handwriting? That would take some work at least.
posted by mr_roboto at 12:38 PM on May 1, 2007

I don't think this is ethical, even if they are "scumbag biker criminals" as he says.

But see, don't you get it? That's what makes this so sad as far as our society goes. It's another example of how we apply prisoners to the status of sub-human. They're all scum, so who gives a shit? Go ahead, beat on them, abuse them, mock them- we don't really know what they did, but we're sure it was really bad and they're not worth any compassion whatsoever. Remember: every single person in Guantanamo is a terrorist, even the ones we released four years later.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 12:38 PM on May 1, 2007 [1 favorite]

No, that was me who used the term "scumbag biker criminals" and I was being facetious. These are three separate categories that may or may not intersect occasionally.

Hey, it just occured to me that this ha ha lol funny prank is basically the same as the plot of Carrie! So it's not only obnoxious but unoriginal besides.

(me seen too many movies)
posted by scratch at 12:41 PM on May 1, 2007

They fell for Obsession? That stuff smells like cat urine.
posted by ZachsMind at 12:44 PM on May 1, 2007

They fell for Obsession? That stuff smells like cat urine.

So THAT'S what it is. I always thought I having an olfactory hallucination in situations where there couldn't possibly be any cats around.
posted by scratch at 12:48 PM on May 1, 2007

They fell for Obsession? That stuff smells like cat urine.
Ever smell the inside of a prison? Obsession is fucking ambrosia in comparison.
posted by Thorzdad at 12:50 PM on May 1, 2007

Biker action is pretty hot. Sure with Lance Armstrong off the circuit it’s not as exciting, but with guys like Oscar Pereiro and climbers like Michael Rasmussen it’s still pretty good.
Don’t let controversy like the stuff with Floyd Landis turn you off, he’s not a prisoner yet.

Man, I’d like to smell the inside of a prison. That’d be sweet.
posted by Smedleyman at 1:02 PM on May 1, 2007

Shorter version: Ha ha, you're in prison and I'm not!
posted by joe lisboa at 1:05 PM on May 1, 2007

Thorzdad: my brain keeps inadvertently reading that comment as sexy due to the number of trigger words in it.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 1:12 PM on May 1, 2007

see him get hit in the face with a two-by-four

No, no, let the punishment fit the crime. Send him to jail for two months for betrayal of trust or abuse of the incarcerated or some such thing. Let him gather more data "hands-on" from the men he courted.
posted by CynicalKnight at 1:16 PM on May 1, 2007

At first I thought he had addressed it as an open letter to the magazine, and therefore making fun of the sorts of people who buy Topless Chicks On Bikes magazines.

Now those responses would be funny.
posted by eurasian at 1:17 PM on May 1, 2007

If this is not a fake, is the guy really unconcerned with a hardened felon, who is all too cognizant of the realities of prison rape, associating him with sexual frustration? It's like the guy believes anonymity actually exists.
posted by bastionofsanity at 1:18 PM on May 1, 2007

I'm not too worried about the writer. After all, it's been over a decade. If anything were to have happened, it probably would have already happened by now.
posted by Bugbread at 1:22 PM on May 1, 2007

What a prat. This Derek guy sounds like quite the asshole.
posted by dazed_one at 1:39 PM on May 1, 2007

Danf is right to caution you. Some motorcyclists are members of illicit clubs which engage in illegal activities.

8 years, some of these guys, wow. I’ve pulled some nasty practical jokes but kicking someone that down...

“..making fun of the sorts of people who buy Topless Chicks On Bikes magazines.”

Yeah, there’s a couple different sorts of people who buy those magazines, those who chop and ride and the scenesters. Pretty much like anything really.
Unfortunately there are very few magazines outside serious craftsman type stuff that don’t include the boobs. Kinda comes with the territory. I picked up an upholstery magazine a bit ago and it had a woman in a bikini laying over the leather upholstery pattern they were featuring.
I suspect some marketing guy in the publishing office thinks all motorheads want soft core pron instead of extra details on the how-to stuff. “C’mon, no one really wants to figure out where that whistling sound is coming from on their bike! They want tits and ass! You wanna sell don’t you?”
So you have to wade through junk to get the details.

...although come to think of it, the internet isn’t (philosophically) much different. (Are you looking for gay sex underage teen twinks ‘fat boy exhaust manifold’ enlarge your penis?)
posted by Smedleyman at 1:41 PM on May 1, 2007

Well, I don't think he's a jerk. But then again, I'm biased -- he sent me a nostalgiariffic DVD of the ol' skate park everyone used to go to when I was a wee skate betty. I haven't had time to watch it yet but I'm pretty psyched.

< / end creaky old lady former skate betty comment>
posted by bitter-girl.com at 1:50 PM on May 1, 2007

Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you sent me prank mail that fooled me into thinking that someone might care about me, and you thought it was funny.'

Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and send you prank mail?'

The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whenever you sent prank mail to one of the least of these brothers of mine, you sent prank mail to me.'
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 1:59 PM on May 1, 2007 [8 favorites]

What would you guys think if he'd hoaxed non-inmates? Is it really that much worse when the person on the other hand is in prison?
posted by Firas at 2:00 PM on May 1, 2007

I don't think it's anything like the horrendous craigslist thing. He seems to have blocked out the names of the respondants.

I agree it's a fairly crappy thing to do but I don't think he deserves a beating or anal rape or anything along those lines.
posted by Firas at 2:03 PM on May 1, 2007

Does anything really deserve anal rape? I mean, the only person I can think of who does is Dr. David Hager. But dude, that's it.
posted by bitter-girl.com at 2:11 PM on May 1, 2007

mmmm, anal rape...
posted by PigAlien at 2:17 PM on May 1, 2007

I just noticed that a majority of the letters ask if the biker chick wants to know anything, and repeated lines of don't be shy, just ask. I had an uncle who did time in Angola and he told me that a lot of the inmates just wanted people to hear their story. Apparently in prison, people listen but do not care. You can hear the desperation in their writing. I also think it's kinda fucked-up to go leading a convicted, tweaker/biker on. Those guys do get out eventually. I aim to NOT be on their shitlist when they finally get the stripes removed from their sunlight.
posted by winks007 at 2:20 PM on May 1, 2007

bitter-girl.com, yeah. But he'd be better done with a strap-on, just for the sexual politics of the matter.
posted by Firas at 2:24 PM on May 1, 2007

So, all of you condemning this guy think that no sex letters are better than fake sex letters? Ridickulous! Methinks he provided a lot of free jerk material for these cons. Sounds like a genuine public service IMHO.
posted by HyperBlue at 2:34 PM on May 1, 2007

“I agree it's a fairly crappy thing to do but I don't think he deserves a beating or anal rape or anything along those lines.”

I realize that most people believe that violence is worse than most anything else than can happen to a person, but why? I think that what this guy did is despicable and deserves a violent response. What he did is deeply ugly in a number of ways—it combines egregious dishonesty, taking advantage of the most disadvantaged, public mockery of the most disadvantaged, an inexcusable smug sense of social superiority, not to mention attempting to be funny and clever yet failing. The guy doesn't deserve to be killed or crippled, of course, but a broken nose and maybe a broken arm might be just the thing.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 2:52 PM on May 1, 2007

EB gets it. That would make two things for these bikers to look forward when they got out of the pen.
posted by winks007 at 2:55 PM on May 1, 2007

I wonder how many acts of sexual violence can be traced back to these letters. "Diane's" letter obviously got a lot of inmates worked up, but how many did it push over the edge?
And we can't be too quick to judge reverend Derek. After all, how do we know he isn't just pretending to mock these inmates. Maybe he just afraid to admit that he has a deep, meaningful bond with these bikers.
posted by bstreep at 3:09 PM on May 1, 2007

Bitter-girl ... Justin Volpe. Justin Volpe gets my vote. I am hereby nominating him. Nobody else, though.
posted by adipocere at 3:16 PM on May 1, 2007

Does anything really deserve anal rape?

No, certainly not - I was trying to offest much more violent vigilante comments made previously.

However, his actions achieve nothing at the expense of the restrained, like poking a circus animal with a stick. This is a particularily cowardly schadenfreude. He does not deserve injury or censure, but like all bullies he should be ignored.
posted by CynicalKnight at 3:28 PM on May 1, 2007

The page has been updated with a message to MeFi:

OH LOOK, WE'RE SO MAD! You're so mean Derek Erdman!
I personally invite any of you message board goons to, ahem, suck it.
posted by dhartung at 3:47 PM on May 1, 2007

"Not just a nut, but a reverend and an artist as well."

Not to mention a giant fucking asshole.

I have little to no sympathy for biker bad boys, but to pose as a woman to solicit letters, and then to publish those letters without the author's permission, and to make a buck off of it, too, is just about as shitty as shitty gets.

I hope someone kicks his fucking ass.

No kidding.
posted by rougy at 3:54 PM on May 1, 2007

A stupid, mean-spirited trick, and not even an original one.

The good Reverend fails.
posted by lekvar at 4:01 PM on May 1, 2007

Ignoring for a second, whether he needs ass-raping or not, I do like the much of the dude's art.
posted by ba at 4:07 PM on May 1, 2007

He does not deserve injury or censure...

Hell yes he does. He's a smug, pretentious asshole who deserves to catch beating. His "edgy" pranks are overly elabrote and obvious Something Awful banhammer fodder. "Hurr people on sex chatrooms want to get off when one did I got a stomach ache because I'm a tremdous pussy sex is gross."

Derek, if you're still reading this, go choke to death, you useless human.
posted by Snyder at 4:14 PM on May 1, 2007

Good graaaaavy.
posted by Betty Tyranny at 4:21 PM on May 1, 2007

I personally invite any of you message board goons to, ahem, suck it.

'cept he wouldn't show.
posted by katillathehun at 4:25 PM on May 1, 2007

dealing with guys like these is exactly why doing phone sex can be such a depressing job. on the one hand you get guys like this who want 13 yr old girls, and then you get someone who's downright weet and you end up feeling like an asshole for being an "actress" instead of a real person.

this all aside from the fact that this "Diane" is exploiting lonely guys when they're down.
posted by RedEmma at 4:34 PM on May 1, 2007

sweet.

dang.
posted by RedEmma at 4:35 PM on May 1, 2007

"I personally invite any of you message board goons to, ahem, suck it."

Tough talk, but there's Spanish Lords out there (in Holstein Park and by Pulaski School (hence all the big "S"'s)), but no bikers. No 1%ers on Metafilter either I suspect.
posted by Smedleyman at 7:12 PM on May 1, 2007

heh heh, 'message board goons'
(Can I just say I'm so missing the image tags 'cos I'd photo shop (poorly) these jerseys to read 'meta')
posted by Smedleyman at 7:19 PM on May 1, 2007

I personally invite any of you message board goons to, ahem, suck it.

I personally invite him to drop a finn and take part in the discussion - hey, it's happened before, and more than once folks have walked away with a new perspective - but it's pretty obvious his balllessness runs as deep as his complete lack of creativity: ...ahem, suck it.
Zing!
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 7:33 PM on May 1, 2007

That's cruelty pure and simple, regardless of the character of his victims, what a shithead. May he be involuntarily celibate for the rest of his life. Also, his art is pedestrian.
posted by zarah at 8:17 PM on May 1, 2007

Metafilter's Own Tough Guy Club.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 8:30 PM on May 1, 2007

Hey BP, us goons got a reputation to protect.

*Rolls cigs up in t-shirt sleeve, hassles some straights*
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 8:52 PM on May 1, 2007

Hee, hee. This thread bothers him.
posted by mr_roboto at 11:32 PM on May 1, 2007

No 1%ers on Metafilter either I suspect.

Metafilter: No colors.
posted by scratch at 6:34 AM on May 2, 2007

I'm pretty sure that one of these guys is involved in an outreach program at my church. I'm going to print that page out and see what he has to say about it.

Hopefully he decides that "an eye for an eye" is better than "turning the other cheek".
posted by marvin gardens at 9:41 AM on May 2, 2007