YO!
Midstate can't even kick in a little loose change for a memorial? Thas cold-blooded son. Gary n Gladys is going to be settling some accounts poste haste like. Shit just got real. Beleedat! posted by lilnemo at 1:03 PM on May 1, 2007
They might as well off the whole stable of characters and then shut down as the regular MSM has become far more absurd than The Onion of late. posted by Burhanistan at 1:03 PM on May 1, 2007
Back in tha day, tha A.P. posse used 2 be weak-ass amateurs. Kickin' they asses wuz like takin' a nice, long, satisfyin' shit: Y'all could bring a magazine. posted by COBRA! at 1:05 PM on May 1, 2007
...and here I was trying to explain tha H-Dawg to the guys in my company's finance dept...
"We believe the victim was assaulted after hours Friday by an unknown individual or individuals"
You fuck up on payin Anchower for tha product, you playin' wit his emotions. That's a muthafuckin death sentence if he can eva fill tha gas tank in tha Ford Festiva. posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:07 PM on May 1, 2007 [1 favorite]
This is wack. I looked up to him, man. We wuz on a different level since I wasn't hustlin' workin Accountz Receivable, and he kept it real. He wuz an inspiration to me livin' day to day in da cubicle projects. Office life is hell, son. He went out like a true thug though and I'm gonna pour one out for him at the next office sponsored happy hour. posted by kkokkodalk at 1:19 PM on May 1, 2007
I always thought Jean Teasdale would be the first to go, killed in her prime during a stampede to get ultra-rare Beanie Babies or something. posted by drezdn at 1:24 PM on May 1, 2007 [1 favorite]
am I alone in hoping that he'll return at the right hand of T. Herman Zweibel in the cockpit of a starship inbound from deep, deep space? I know I'm not. posted by COBRA! at 1:32 PM on May 1, 2007
You know who else had a moustache like that? posted by psmealey at 1:42 PM on May 1, 2007
Herbert was one of my favorites. I'll remember him every time I see one of them fucked-up coffee rings from when bitches leave they coffee cup on my desk. posted by Benjamin Nushmutt at 1:45 PM on May 1, 2007
.
When will the media stop glamorizing the accounting lifestyle? posted by PlusDistance at 1:48 PM on May 1, 2007 [2 favorites]
i was just mackin' our admin, all showin' her how to annotate cells in excel and channelin' me some H-dogg. this is sad news, yo. it's gonna throw me off my game. posted by joeblough at 1:53 PM on May 1, 2007
I suspect Myron Schabe had a hand in this. posted by funkbrain at 1:53 PM on May 1, 2007
God, when will it all end? posted by tkchrist at 2:20 PM on May 1, 2007
SOX compliance contractor suspected. posted by HyperBlue at 2:20 PM on May 1, 2007
"...after his face was immobilized against the glass of a photocopier and repeatedly struck with the machine's cover."
There's no way my boy HJK went out like that. Makes him sound like a chump. And no other corpses on-site? Someone must have cleaned up all the suckas H-Dawg took with him when he went.
The only rational explanation? He faked his own death. He'll be back. posted by tarnish at 2:23 PM on May 1, 2007
Jean will fall asleep in bed while smoking posted by 2sheets at 2:24 PM on May 1, 2007
When will the media stop glamorizing the accounting lifestyle?
As long as young scrawny white boys see accountancy as the only way off the mean streets of Scarsdale and Pemberton, they're going to buy into the media myth. posted by Devils Rancher at 2:58 PM on May 1, 2007 [1 favorite]
Yo dawg, dis some fucked-up shit. We gon' find that sucka's ass tonight and fuck his-self up real good. My man H-Dog ain't goin' out like dat. Fuck doze mothafuckaz from Schabe's crew, son. Dey mama'z gon' be cryin 'n shit tomorrow, watch.
I can't sleep on this, yo! I don't roll like that. We have got to give them punk ass Accountz Payble beotches what they got commin... They take down the H-Dog, them hoes is goona pay in blood... every last cent we got comin! This shiet for real! Word. posted by grytpype at 4:01 PM on May 1, 2007 [1 favorite]
Yo grytpype, we roll at 11. posted by Mikey-San at 4:04 PM on May 1, 2007
Mikey, come heavy! posted by grytpype at 4:06 PM on May 1, 2007
I be packin' mah letter opener, dawg. We gon' do dis shit right. posted by Mikey-San at 4:09 PM on May 1, 2007
I made him some Angel's Food.
But he is dead.
What do I do?
I am bereft. posted by Dizzy at 4:54 PM on May 1, 2007
Ain't su-prized, dawg been kinda pitchy las' few week.
Wait, who? posted by rob511 at 5:08 PM on May 1, 2007
Thayz gonna be a hole lotta slooow sang'in
and flowas braing'in..... posted by Jikido at 5:11 PM on May 1, 2007
I remember one of the first Kornfeld posts from the dead-tree version of the Onion back in the early '90's as being one of the funniest things I'd read.
*Raises fist*
We'll miss you H-dog. Represent. posted by quin at 5:22 PM on May 1, 2007
PayaBO, bitches. Accounts PayaBO. Shiiiiiiit.
Props to H-dog, aight? posted by tristeza at 6:23 PM on May 1, 2007
I wondered what his last column was all about. I see they were closing in on him.
Fuck you to the CEO! Fuck you to the CFO! Fuck you to the HR D-E-P-T! Fuck you to the Midstate Office Supply KKKompany. Fuck you to all you redneck, prejudice, Account Payabo mutha fuckas. Y'all can kiss my ass.
I'm picturing whatever Onion writer who wrote Kornfield getting incredibly sick of writing it and writing this amid alternating bursts of hysterical rage and laughter.
But they can't kill Jean. She's so deeply sad and fucked she makes me feel better about my own pathetic life. posted by orange swan at 6:57 PM on May 2, 2007
Aw hellz naw. I'ma staple out some staples into da blue recyclin' trash can for ya, my brudda. Peace out.
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posted by skryche at 12:40 PM on May 1, 2007