If I told you half the things I've heard about this Jabba the Hutt, you'd probably short circuit.

May 10, 2007 7:05 AM

Best headline ever.The AP lets it's geek flag fly in an article about high-wire artists crossing a river in Korea. [thanks kottke]
posted by Rock Steady (63 comments total)

If you listen carefully, you can hear my sides splitting
posted by Jofus at 7:11 AM on May 10, 2007

I hate how they updated the article to say that Kim Jong Il fired first.
posted by Pollomacho at 7:11 AM on May 10, 2007 [4 favorites]

Our fist single-link headline-only newsfilter and it is awesome!
posted by blahblahblah at 7:13 AM on May 10, 2007

Bet they can't do it in less than 12 parsecs.
posted by gubo at 7:15 AM on May 10, 2007

Hokey high wire acts are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.
posted by three blind mice at 7:16 AM on May 10, 2007 [3 favorites]

Fantastic headline, reminds me of some of the more clever Entertainment Weekly headlines.
posted by Lord Kinbote at 7:24 AM on May 10, 2007

Watch your wire, kid, or you're gonna find yourself floating home.
posted by Astro Zombie at 7:25 AM on May 10, 2007

George Lucas files lawsuit in 3... 2... 1...
posted by WinnipegDragon at 7:25 AM on May 10, 2007

In other news, Dick Cheney is your father.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 7:27 AM on May 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

Read that headline as if Christopher Walken were reading it, but as portrayed by Kevin Spacey.
posted by NoMich at 7:28 AM on May 10, 2007 [2 favorites]

*clap clap clap*
posted by carter at 7:31 AM on May 10, 2007

Headline writers live for puns. They should probably die for them too.
posted by mcwetboy at 7:33 AM on May 10, 2007 [4 favorites]

Wow. That's the kind of pun you hire high-wire acts just so you can use.
posted by dreamsign at 7:35 AM on May 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

Headline writers live for puns.

Or maybe not.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 7:47 AM on May 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

Is the right place to discuss Lucas saying he's making a couple more movies after all?

ricer car?
posted by cortex at 7:49 AM on May 10, 2007

Nice one, but best ever? Better than the Daily News's report on Gloria Swanson's change of hospital (Sick Gloria in Transit Monday)?
posted by QuietDesperation at 7:51 AM on May 10, 2007 [4 favorites]

I liked "Headless Body In Topless Bar" better.
posted by jason's_planet at 7:53 AM on May 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

But then they screwed up the prequel by using too many Photoshop filters and weird fonts.
posted by The Deej at 7:56 AM on May 10, 2007

I also liked, about the lawsuit over the man biting a woman's ass,

He bit hers. She sued his.
posted by Bookhouse at 8:00 AM on May 10, 2007

Great walk, kid, that was one in a million.

(Yeah, what do you want from me. I can't resist EVERY easy one-liner.)
posted by kittens for breakfast at 8:01 AM on May 10, 2007

That's 'cause droids don't push people off of wires when they lose. Wookies are known to do that.
posted by eriko at 8:04 AM on May 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

Sorry, but it's still this. (via)
posted by staggernation at 8:05 AM on May 10, 2007

Oh ... you don't wanna cross Han solo. Do you know what happened to the last person who crossed Han solo? ...
posted by ZenMasterThis at 8:18 AM on May 10, 2007

I agree with jason's_planet, "Headless Woman in Topless Bar" is pretty much the gold standard for headlines, IMHO.
posted by mosk at 8:21 AM on May 10, 2007

From Variety magazine (1935):
STICKS NIX HICK PIX
mandatory wiki article here
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 8:22 AM on May 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

Rock Steady: instead of doing a single link about a one-off, mildly entertaining item, consider posting several things that draw various items together and possibly spark debate. For example, are amusing headlines soon to be a thing of the past?
posted by Kiell at 8:28 AM on May 10, 2007

Tae wanna wanga!!
posted by Koko at 8:47 AM on May 10, 2007

From Kirth Gerson's link. I don't know if I would trust a copyeditor who lets this slide by: For instance, I'll hear from time to time in the newsroom or from a reader about some head they liked. Meanwhile the copy editors will be rolling their eyes, because geez what an unsophisticated head.
posted by Kattullus at 8:49 AM on May 10, 2007

What about the newspaper (I forget which), that printed a huge "MASS SADNESS" after the pope died? To make a terrible pun after such a monumental event is either ballsy or messed up, or... balls-up.
posted by ORthey at 8:54 AM on May 10, 2007

Super Cally go ballistic, Celtic are atrocious.
posted by Aloysius Bear at 9:02 AM on May 10, 2007

Star Wars humor should be choked.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:06 AM on May 10, 2007

Sith ith good.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:08 AM on May 10, 2007 [3 favorites]

My father-in-law is an editor at a metropolitan daily, and the ownership of his paper has put the kibosh on funny headlines, as they think it makes the paper look unprofessional.
posted by popechunk at 9:26 AM on May 10, 2007

Thank you, Aloysius Bear. That was the headline I was trying to remember.
posted by Faint of Butt at 9:33 AM on May 10, 2007

Is the right place to discuss Lucas saying he's making a couple more movies after all?

Had not heard that. Now, is this something Lucas actually said or something Harry Knowles or similar is claiming Lucas said?
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 9:39 AM on May 10, 2007

"Four kestrels maneuver in the dark"

Saw that in a sidebar in Mojo a couple of years back. From some British daily.
posted by joseph_elmhurst at 9:42 AM on May 10, 2007

I'm an editor and my greatest coup was "Life under Hun Sen is no holiday in Cambodia."

Well, I'm still employed...
posted by AJaffe at 9:56 AM on May 10, 2007

"Four kestrels manoeuvre in the dark"
posted by flashboy at 10:22 AM on May 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

Damned British spelling.
posted by joseph_elmhurst at 10:25 AM on May 10, 2007

Lentrohamsanin, depending on your opinion of the source I saw, could be more or less reliable than Knowles. Here's the tasty bit:

And here's a little news: Lucas tells me he will make two more live-action films based in the "Star Wars" era.

"But they won't have members of the Skywalker family as characters," he said. "They will be other people of that milieu."

The two extra films will also be made for TV and probably be an hour long each. But, like "Clone Wars," Lucas doesn't know where on TV they will land.

posted by rush at 10:39 AM on May 10, 2007

British Left Waffles on Falklands.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 10:43 AM on May 10, 2007 [2 favorites]

Kid, I've flown from one side of this galaxy to the other, and I've seen a lot of strange stuff. But I've never seen anything to make me believe that there's one all-powerful Force controlling everything. There's no mystical energy field that controls MY destiny.

*falls off tightrope*

...Well, except for gravity, I'll give you that one.
posted by ziz at 10:47 AM on May 10, 2007

Stay on target... stay on target!
posted by JT at 11:16 AM on May 10, 2007

Young Boys Wankdorf erection relief
posted by kalimotxero at 11:20 AM on May 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

Is the right place to discuss Lucas saying he's making a couple more movies after all?

ricer car?

Well, Cortex, seeing as how you've introduced the concept, here's a video of George Lucas making a mistake in a ricer car:

YouTube Link

He's the one in the car with a broken grille, that forgets to brake going into the turn.
posted by davejay at 11:21 AM on May 10, 2007

Dang, QuietDesperation beat me to the true greatest headline ever. Great usernames think alike, it seems.
posted by Quietgal at 11:38 AM on May 10, 2007

woman, 65, beats off mountain lion
posted by bruce at 11:40 AM on May 10, 2007

I once wrote a piece on Irvine Welsh titled 'Oor Wullie's on The Broon', but you'd probably have to be Scottish (or an avid reader of the Sunday Post) for it to have any meaning.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 11:43 AM on May 10, 2007

Still the best
posted by patricio at 11:49 AM on May 10, 2007

I laughed.
posted by OverlappingElvis at 12:14 PM on May 10, 2007

My faves over the years:

THOMPSON'S PENIS A SWORD
RELIEF GROUP HELPS HURT FAMILY
NAVY APOLOGIZES FOR TYING SAILOR TO BLAST
CHURCH RETAINS HOMOSEXUAL BAR
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 12:28 PM on May 10, 2007

My local paper avoids outright puns, but it's made up for by the sheer volume of homonym mistakes in the body of articles or photo caps (e.g. "reign in costs", "tow the line"). They do like to alliterate, though, e.g. Flamingo flock helps group gather funds.

Anyway, the hands down best/worst is clearly the NY Post HEADLESS BODY IN TOPLESS BAR. I don't think you can beat that six ways from Sunday. There's just something, er, timeless to it. Stuff like SICK TRANSIT'S is just trying too hard. STICKS NIX HICK PIX is closer to my ideal. It derives from a house style, and the wordplay is entirely indigenous -- no Latin or hoary phrases involved.
posted by dhartung at 12:49 PM on May 10, 2007

NZ finds Black Cocks hard to swallow. Swear to god.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 1:22 PM on May 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

You might even say she did it by Hand. Solo!
posted by Muddler at 1:35 PM on May 10, 2007

British Left Waffles on Falklands.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane

also

Russian Virgin
Lands Short
Of Goal Again

on a story about the failure to meet a Soviet goal of keeping land undeveloped

and
Firm Makes Offer
to Screw Company Stockholders

on a story about a bid to buy American Screw Co. shares.

Of course, the company name is an easy target

And
Flyers to Skate
With Peters Out

Headless Body is the best, though.
posted by etaoin at 1:54 PM on May 10, 2007

I still like "Harvard beats Yale, 36-36."
posted by thecaddy at 2:54 PM on May 10, 2007

Genius.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 3:28 PM on May 10, 2007

Oh, god, these are awful in the best possible way. I heard the 'waffles' one years ago and it still kills me...
posted by Space Kitty at 6:33 PM on May 10, 2007

My favorite Onion headline (which doesn't really count here, but I love it anyway):

Canadian Girlfriend Unsubstantiated.
posted by zardoz at 6:36 PM on May 10, 2007

I'm pretty sure the AP doesn't write the headlines. It may be that they send out a default, though.
posted by delmoi at 6:55 PM on May 10, 2007

Fox Exex Bax Sex Pix, Flix Lax Crux Bux, Stox Sinx, Ax Prex
posted by joelf at 7:41 PM on May 10, 2007

"Chit'lin's truck spills its load in Climax" is my fave.
posted by BrotherCaine at 7:47 PM on May 10, 2007

On Lech Walesa's political difficulties in post-Communist Poland: "Lech's Labors Lost?"
posted by BrotherCaine at 11:52 PM on May 10, 2007