Furniture Orgy

May 11, 2007 4:55 PM

I'm sure, like me, you've wondered what it would look like if a bunch of black teenaged dudes got together and banged their ottoman. Well, wonder no more. Via.
posted by jonson (117 comments total)

WARNING: MAY CAUSE WET PANTIES.
posted by jonson at 4:57 PM on May 11, 2007

eponysterical!
posted by anthill at 4:59 PM on May 11, 2007

Yeah. Real surprising they don't have dates.
posted by miss lynnster at 5:00 PM on May 11, 2007

"Every now and again something comes along that is so amazingly compelling that it demands to be linked from every web site in the universe. I am quite serious when I say I would be totally happy if this video was the World Wide Web's grand finale, and then the Internet just went dark and we all went back to making candles and reading the bible and stuff." — Todd.
posted by Aloysius Bear at 5:00 PM on May 11, 2007 [3 favorites has favorites]

hey wow!
posted by rxrfrx at 5:01 PM on May 11, 2007

Perfection of all YouTubery. I think this means the singularity is near.
posted by wemayfreeze at 5:02 PM on May 11, 2007 [3 favorites has favorites]

I got explicit reasons why.
posted by neustile at 5:05 PM on May 11, 2007

Weird thing is, Philip K. Dick predicted this in 1966 in his short story "Your Boy Ecstasy."
posted by L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg at 5:06 PM on May 11, 2007 [3 favorites has favorites]

absolutely the most retarded thing I have ever seen.

And the one with his shirt tied in a knot in the back, HAHA what was he a blast for the 90s?
posted by crewshell at 5:11 PM on May 11, 2007

Well, that's fucking weird. I guess these are pretty "comfortable" in their sexuality.

That said, Of course the japanese thought of this first
posted by delmoi at 5:12 PM on May 11, 2007

I like furniture too but not "that way".
posted by Iron Rat at 5:13 PM on May 11, 2007 [6 favorites has favorites]

Then again, at least they're doing it on purpose.
posted by miss lynnster at 5:16 PM on May 11, 2007

When this finally makes the rounds into the corporate world and I catch my boss watching this, I can proudly claim that "Eh... That's old. I saw it back in May."

Honestly though, I have no words to explain this either. It is something so utterly unbelievably terrible and unexpectedly ridiculous, that you just have to watch it.

Thanks todd/kottke/jonson.
posted by chime at 5:17 PM on May 11, 2007

So a bunch of guys are exercizing and have no equipment except a Naugahyde ottoman--what's the big deal? Next they'll make a YouTube flick of a bunch of poor women who have no exercize equipment except a clothes dryer.
posted by leftcoastbob at 5:23 PM on May 11, 2007

Bah.

This was way cooler in 1522.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 5:26 PM on May 11, 2007

I don't have audio right now, so what the hell are they saying? Is there context for this? Also, best of the YouTube comments: "Its like watching a really weird tropical fish screensaver."
posted by brundlefly at 5:29 PM on May 11, 2007

What the fuck? Oddly hypnotising.
posted by liquorice at 5:31 PM on May 11, 2007

Wovon man nicht sprechen kann, darüber muß man schweigen.
posted by mr_roboto at 5:43 PM on May 11, 2007

I've asked this before, but is this really what boys do when left on their own? Is this like an older version of the "anything can be a gun" game that five-year-old boys play?
posted by piratebowling at 5:44 PM on May 11, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

I think the guy who humped the door knob might be gay.
posted by Rawhide at 5:46 PM on May 11, 2007 [4 favorites has favorites]

I've asked this before, but is this really what boys do when left on their own?

Of course not!

*shuffles feet, clears throat*
posted by brundlefly at 5:50 PM on May 11, 2007

Chorographed (sic) by All of us

I'm glad they cleared that up.

And was that one kid still wearing his socks? Good lord.
posted by thehmsbeagle at 5:52 PM on May 11, 2007

A few months later, that room was full of footstools.
posted by rob511 at 6:00 PM on May 11, 2007 [11 favorites has favorites]

The best part is that right after posting this, I ran across the latest Brad Neely cartoon "Future Thoughts," which is basically just a bunch of bizarrely hilarious quotes (with illustrations) about the future, among them "In the future, I won't have to fuck my couch." Awesome quote at any time, but right after seeing this, 10X awesomer.
posted by jonson at 6:07 PM on May 11, 2007

I just saw about 2 seconds of the first dude humping the ottoman, and then I found myself getting hard.

So I get a new fetish now. Ebony furniture fucking. Thanks, Metafilter!
posted by Avenger at 6:14 PM on May 11, 2007

NOT SURE IF WANT
posted by Rhomboid at 6:17 PM on May 11, 2007 [6 favorites has favorites]

You people are aware that in the right hand column there are videos of other people doing this, aren't you? In other words, this is happening to future everywhere, maybe in your own house.
posted by Pastabagel at 6:21 PM on May 11, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

piratebowling: yes.

The best thing about being a teenaged boy is imagining what it's probably like to have sex.

With an ottoman.
posted by Greg Nog at 6:21 PM on May 11, 2007

The ottoman isn't even good-looking. Talk about desperate.
posted by iconomy at 6:22 PM on May 11, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

I've asked this before, but is this really what boys do when left on their own?

The reality is far more innocent.

Left to our own devices, away from the fairer sex, we play Dungeons & Dragons.

And we watch videos.

Rated-R videos.
posted by jason's_planet at 6:23 PM on May 11, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

This is happening to *furniture*, what he hell is wrong with me?
posted by Pastabagel at 6:23 PM on May 11, 2007

OMG
posted by Samuel Farrow at 6:26 PM on May 11, 2007

When girls do it, it's called pole-dancing.
posted by liquorice at 6:27 PM on May 11, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

When girls do it, it's called pole-dancing.

When boys do it, it's called "goofy as shit."
posted by jason's_planet at 6:29 PM on May 11, 2007

hehe

harbls make funny!
posted by po at 6:29 PM on May 11, 2007

I made a pretty picture for you.
posted by iconomy at 6:30 PM on May 11, 2007 [5 favorites has favorites]

There is only one possible reason for this: the notion that a girl (please, any girl) will see the video and be entranced by the technique of one of the guys, leading to actual sex for the boy.

If that's not it, I don't get our planet.
posted by davebush at 6:36 PM on May 11, 2007

I don't know what all of you are getting so hysterical about.

The ottoman was clearly asking for it. Did you see how it was upholstered?
posted by Ynoxas at 6:37 PM on May 11, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

Now, 36 year old "journalists" need to go on the internets and pose as virgin leather ottomans in an attempt to catch furniture humpers before they do they nefarious deeds.
posted by drezdn at 6:38 PM on May 11, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Oh, shit. One of those guys has "NEVER HIDE" written on his ass!
posted by L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg at 6:39 PM on May 11, 2007 [3 favorites has favorites]

Someone's looking a little too close.
posted by jonson at 6:48 PM on May 11, 2007

Hot ALL Furniture Action!
posted by bobobox at 6:48 PM on May 11, 2007

Wow. There's another guy shagging a chair and a bookcase over on the right too.
posted by jamesonandwater at 6:48 PM on May 11, 2007

It's definitely like a fish tank screensaver...especially when the one dude slowly humpundulates across the foreground while his buddies are humping away in the background...they look sort of like... nudibranchs.
posted by biscotti at 7:03 PM on May 11, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

I can understand, sort of, that these dudes wanted to film themselves thrusticating so that pretty polly could see how well they can do the old in-out in-out. I get that "Hey, go get Dad's camcorder and we'll make a SEXY PARTY VIDEO!!" might not seem stupendously dumb at that age. This far, I get it.

So they made the video.

But then they watched their raw video. With their eyes. And they edited it together and put titles on it. Then they watched it again. With their eyes and everything.

And as one, they looked at it and said, "Yes, we were right. This represents our skills at fucking. Women will see all of us humping a piece of furniture together and say I MUST BE THAT OTTOMAN. MOUNT ME NOW, SUBCREATURES, FOR I ALSO AM A SOLID OBJECT THAT YOU COULD HUMP, AND LO MY ORIFICES ARE PREPARED FOR YOU."

This, I don't get so much. Reminds me of the beginning of The Diamond Age where we learn about how Bud hooked up with Tequila.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:08 PM on May 11, 2007 [10 favorites has favorites]

Wow... and I thought I was gay!
posted by fredosan at 7:17 PM on May 11, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

what the christmunching gibbering monkey-poo-flinging gibbering fuck was that?
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 7:26 PM on May 11, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

(A++++++++++++++++++++++ WOULD HUMP OTTOMAN AGAIN)
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 7:26 PM on May 11, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

Living Rooms . . . Dinettes . . .
posted by jason's_planet at 7:27 PM on May 11, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

Youtube took it down. :( Missed it.
posted by petersn1 at 7:33 PM on May 11, 2007

Is this the equivalent of those videos that show women jiggling their ass as quickly as they can? I like a shapely female bottom as much as the next guy (probably more than a guy who chowders a couch), but can't for the life of me figure out what's supposed to be sexy about that.
posted by maxwelton at 7:37 PM on May 11, 2007

it's not down, petersn1. Just watched it again right now.
posted by jonson at 7:43 PM on May 11, 2007

My name is Otto...man [NOT TURKIST] and I love to get blotto. And then dry-humped by frisky adolescents. Man.

while his buddies are humping away in the background

Lots of straight guys like to watch their buddies fuck furniture. I know I do.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:50 PM on May 11, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

And on that day, he was no longer an ottoboy...
posted by Legomancer at 7:59 PM on May 11, 2007 [18 favorites has favorites]

Seriously, once I finish fucking my ottoman, I don't really care who else fucks it.
posted by graventy at 8:00 PM on May 11, 2007

Okay, I did a bit of 'vestigatin' and it appears that someone or something named 'Pretty Ricky' is holding some sort of dry-humping/gyration contest. I learned this from reading youtube comments.

Also, beware. This was also on Youtube:

Now uv started readin dis dunt stop. This is so scary. Send this to 5 ova videos in 143 minutes. When ur done press F6 and ur crushes name will appear on the screen in big letters. This is scary cause it actually works

I can confirm that it works. I pressed F6 and "dios" popped right up.
posted by Pastabagel at 8:05 PM on May 11, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

LOL, I reread that quote in my comment, and my brain actually tried to fix the grammar and spelling in real time. I read it as "Send this to ova 5 videos" ("Send this to over 5 videos") because that is less of a grammatical war crime than the way it actually appears, "Send this to 5 ova videos", which requires down-translating the -th in "other" to the a completely different -v sound in "ova".
posted by Pastabagel at 8:08 PM on May 11, 2007

I am NOT going to "log in to verify that I am over 18" just so that I can watch a furniture fucking video. Sorry. I have some pride.
posted by yhbc at 8:10 PM on May 11, 2007

Thankfully, yhbc, that's just the beauty of Mefi's embedded YouTube capabilities.

< /still not registered youtube, proud>
posted by po at 8:18 PM on May 11, 2007

IM IN UR HOUSE HUMPIN UR OTTOMANZ
posted by neilkod at 8:19 PM on May 11, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Just wait until they discover inflatable sex toys - that video will be hawt!
posted by madamjujujive at 8:24 PM on May 11, 2007

The internet really does come up with something new every day. I am in awe.
posted by cmonkey at 8:28 PM on May 11, 2007

So not worth viewing. Just stupid people with a camera. They still scare me. And god, there's a lot of stupid on the Internet.
posted by CipherSwarm at 8:37 PM on May 11, 2007

People are stupid.

Young people are stupider.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 8:37 PM on May 11, 2007

Sometimes when out driving I will see discarded furniture standing on a street corner. The streetlamps glow revealing a tight slipcover. Now I know how it got there and will never look at it the same way again.
posted by Iron Rat at 8:47 PM on May 11, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Huh. So that's what "more cushion for the pushin'" refers to. Tonight, I can finally sleep.
posted by Ufez Jones at 8:50 PM on May 11, 2007 [4 favorites has favorites]

HAHAHAHA!
posted by Samuel Farrow at 8:54 PM on May 11, 2007

What if they threw a mandingo party and nobody came?
posted by rks404 at 9:13 PM on May 11, 2007 [6 favorites has favorites]

Yeah, this definitely bodes well for all the goddamned couches and mattresses put out on the sidewalks every night. Rejoice, discarded furniture: These guys are going to, er, fuck you to death and put the video on YouTube.

JESUS PLEASE BLOW UP AMERICA NOW KTHXBYE.
posted by kenlayne at 9:13 PM on May 11, 2007

Un
Be
Le
Iv
Ab
Le.
posted by subaruwrx at 9:16 PM on May 11, 2007

What if they threw a mandingo party and nobody came?
posted by rks404

For the motherfurniturefucking win.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 9:27 PM on May 11, 2007

.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 9:34 PM on May 11, 2007

That was great. I don't know which is funnier -- the video or this thread. The best/worst part of this is that once the video is all over the Internet (and it will be), there is no plausible deniability for these guys because they PUT THEIR REAL NAMES ON IT! If they thought they were lonely before, just wait until every girl in their school has seen it.
posted by Rock Steady at 9:39 PM on May 11, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Didn't notice my sound was off, so this is was what went through my head before I realized it: "[some new rap music group] Does Vegas (Furniture Convention), the uncensored tapes!".

(Yes, my brain scares me too.)
posted by Iosephus at 9:56 PM on May 11, 2007

These guys were obviously inspired by this or this.
posted by dr_dank at 9:58 PM on May 11, 2007

In my fantasy, they're always orchard thieves.

"Pedro, what are you doing with the apple press?! And why aren't you doing it to me?"
posted by stavrogin at 10:08 PM on May 11, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Well! That was three minutes of my life I will never get back!
posted by SisterHavana at 10:11 PM on May 11, 2007

Also, I can't believe I forgot: BOB likes couches too. He'd probably kill you and stuff your dead body inside one before doing the nasty with it, though, so not sure if it counts.
posted by Iosephus at 10:17 PM on May 11, 2007

Welcome to the Ottoman Humpmire.

(This would make an excellent Mother's Day card for my racist grandma, if only she wasn't dead.)
posted by maryh at 10:23 PM on May 11, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

You who quietly waits for me in the bedroom,
your covers saucily thrown down.
Your cheap 120 thread count sheets exposed;
Cool and rippling, ready for me to strip and slide right in,
scented with lilac or jasmine or rimed with the salt from hot sex—
Expansive California King-sized queen with your thick pillows and tight corners,
I could bounce a quarter off your. . .
Your yielding springs a welcoming whisper,
The rustling zip of my limbs across your back—
You who are here for me any time of the night or day, ready and willing—
You never complain.
You are always there: I go to you in times of exhaustion or grief, or just for a quickie…
Oh Bed! I love you so.
posted by exlotuseater at 11:32 PM on May 11, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

I'm going to go sex up my ironing board now.
posted by astruc at 11:42 PM on May 11, 2007

Say what you will about this, but I just don't think the ottoman was really enjoying that. I think a piece of furniture prefers having sex with another piece of furniture.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 12:02 AM on May 12, 2007

biscotti, humpundulate is my new favorite word.
posted by brundlefly at 12:17 AM on May 12, 2007

And was that one kid still wearing his socks?

Most of them were still wearing their socks. It was just that some socks were more apparent than others.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:16 AM on May 12, 2007

I can't help but think that I am not the target audience for this video. But then I wonder, who is the intended viewer, and what emotion is the director of this film attempting to provoke in him or her?

And then I curl up into a tiny ball and cry.
posted by kyleg at 1:27 AM on May 12, 2007

But then I wonder, who is the intended viewer, and what emotion is the director of this film attempting to provoke in him or her?

Being *sexy* on the intertoobs has been largely the province of females, with all those homemade booty-shakin'-in-the-bedroom clips and such. Naturally enough (I suppose), the young fellows want to get in on the action, too. It's simply that certain kind sexy exhibitionism that's become prevalent in modern online society: this is just a way for guys to do it. And as far as the intended audience, I dunno, I have a feeling just making the clip and posting it, you know, being on YouTube is probably an end in itself.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 1:50 AM on May 12, 2007

this ottoman... it vibrates?
posted by danman_d at 2:13 AM on May 12, 2007

Jim: Furniture, huh?
Chris: Uh huh.
Jim: Heirloom or Ikea?
posted by Firas at 2:59 AM on May 12, 2007

Oh, god, that was funny--now I know who they are marketing those body sprays to. It's furniture deodorizer.

(I teach middle school)
posted by Peach at 4:58 AM on May 12, 2007

Never Naugahide
posted by Flashman at 6:13 AM on May 12, 2007

Next up: the shag rug.
posted by mazola at 6:17 AM on May 12, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

To be honest, I thought this was going to show them using the ottoman as a percussion instrument. Oh, how wrong you can be.
posted by tommasz at 6:27 AM on May 12, 2007

I know what you mean tommasz. Sheds new light on the lyric "bang a gong"...
posted by Eekacat at 6:40 AM on May 12, 2007

Dear dr_dank:

The top of my (squid) head got taken off by "Fuck Yo Couch." I am delighted and horrified. The video curses materialism with its fractured and hypnotic enactment of object trauma.

I am forever changed.

msq
posted by mistersquid at 7:02 AM on May 12, 2007

I thought that was humpalicious. Those guys were so yummily flexible. ooooh. The real hard core is with French Provincial.

Hump doggy dogs. Since it's caturday, some hound dawd puddietat.

Furniture on furniture action.
posted by nickyskye at 8:38 AM on May 12, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Oh my god that's hysterical.

Poofs on a pouffe!
posted by goo at 9:19 AM on May 12, 2007

Girls have tickle wars in their underwear at slumber parties. Boys.... hump furniture? All these years, I figured it was circle jerks.
posted by msali at 9:35 AM on May 12, 2007

*damn, cannot believe I wrote hound dawd. yikes. hound dawg. Guess I had Tweetie Bird speak on the brain.
posted by nickyskye at 10:15 AM on May 12, 2007

These tickle war videos? Link plz.
posted by maxwelton at 11:37 AM on May 12, 2007

Metafilter: probably more than a guy who chowders a couch.
posted by Rawhide at 2:25 PM on May 12, 2007

To be honest, I thought this was going to show them using the ottoman as a percussion instrument.

While playing Turkish folk songs, no doubt!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 2:58 PM on May 12, 2007

I watched it... nigga what!?!
posted by vronsky at 4:31 PM on May 12, 2007

Dude in the white shorts is the funniest thing, O god!
posted by vronsky at 4:36 PM on May 12, 2007

Oops, they did it again.
posted by dr_dank at 5:04 PM on May 12, 2007

Oops, they did it again

Oh crap, it gets better. For those who may be wondering if the second installment is worth your time, let me just say two things:

1. Synchronized humping
2. Surgical masks
posted by Rock Steady at 5:13 PM on May 12, 2007

1. Synchronized humping
2. Surgical masks

Can't have one without the other!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:20 PM on May 12, 2007

Maybe the masks are to protect them from catching teh gay.

I'm thinking that their parents must be quite proud to be learning about their kids' talents up there on the YouTubes.
posted by madamjujujive at 5:30 PM on May 12, 2007

Great. Now they've humped every single leg of furniture in the house...
posted by stratastar at 7:09 PM on May 12, 2007

Is it too late to say "Sofa King" weird?
posted by Iron Rat at 7:22 PM on May 12, 2007

It is always too early for a pun like that.
posted by Firas at 7:29 PM on May 12, 2007

They have their way of dancing, and I have mine
posted by vronsky at 7:33 PM on May 12, 2007

As if we weren't horrified enough, here's part three. Now with even more sophisticated choreography and festive Christmas decorations!
posted by angeline at 3:07 AM on May 13, 2007

I'm hesistant to post this, since it robs this story of its innocence, but they're strippers.

WE TRAVEL EVERYWHERE IF YOU HAVE ANY KIND OF PARTY WE WILL TURN IT OUT .... OR IF U JUS WANT A HOUSE CALL WE DO THOSE TOO ........ JUS SEND US A MESSAGE WITH YOUR NUMBER, CITY AND STATE (SONG REQUEST OPTIONAL) ATTACHED AND WE WILL GIVE U A CALL AS SOON AS WE GET IT ...... BE REAL --- DONT BE PLAYIN WE Do FULL ROUTINES LAPDANCES PRIVATE DANCES ECT

They'll come to your town and love your ottoman down.
posted by rcade at 9:37 AM on May 13, 2007

jessamyn, there's an idea for the next northern new england gathering ... I wonder if they work with lawn furniture?
posted by madamjujujive at 11:16 AM on May 13, 2007

hey, rcade, you win at the internets! You've solved the riddle! And of course it makes perfect sense, these guys are just using YouTube to advertise their services.

I tell ya, you gotta check MySpace to get the whole story these days...
posted by flapjax at midnite at 4:28 PM on May 13, 2007

I'm hesistant to post this, since it robs this story of its innocence, but they're strippers.

Well, I'll buy that. I just wish they'd DANCE in the videos. I mean, that's what I would hire a stripper for. Right now it just looks like they'll doff their clothes and do filthy things to my papasan.
posted by angeline at 4:10 AM on May 15, 2007

Hmm. I'm not sure that they are strippers, just that they'd like to be strippers.
posted by Rock Steady at 7:00 AM on May 15, 2007