the iGod chatterbot

May 16, 2007 5:12 PM

Talk to iGod, the God chatterbot. If you're in the right frame of mind, he's pretty hilarious. If you are feeling neglected by God in other contexts, he will seem very familiar. He does not pass the Turing test. He speaks in riddles, appears to know very little about you, and he hangs up on you after a few minutes. When you log back on, he says he does not remember. A lot like Waiting for Godot, in fact. (He said he didn't know about that either.)
posted by Broadside Affront (80 comments total)

Here's my transcript:

Me: Lord, why do I rejoice at the passing of your servant Falwell?
God: What do you look like?
Me: I'm hot, Sire, but isn't that beside the point?
God: Do you have air conditioning?
Me: Yes, but that cools only my outside, not my burning loins.
God: Whoa. "Do you have air conditioning?" cools only your outside not your burning loins? I get it.

Amen.
posted by rob511 at 5:24 PM on May 16, 2007

Technically, I think God does fail the Turing test.
posted by spiderwire at 5:32 PM on May 16, 2007 [3 favorites]

Me: hi
God: Hello. What is your name?
Me: God
God: GOD rules.
Me: But I'm God
God: I am very pleased to meet you god.
posted by aye at 5:32 PM on May 16, 2007

Me:
yo
God:
Can I help you?
Me:
I presume so, since you're omnipotent
God:
Thanks for the information: said presume so since you are omnipotent.
Me:
are you omnipotent?
God:
I don't know whether or not I am omnipotent.
I am a chatterbot developed by Myself.
Me:
I feel so reassured
God:
What is that feeling like? Why are you reassured.
Me:
you tell me
God:
What do you want me to tell you?
Me:
why I am reassured
God:
How much time do you have?
Me:
you tell me
God:
What do you want me to tell you?
Me:
how much time I have
God:
Time is really only an abstraction.
Me:
what does that mean?
God:
Does "that" refer to " Time is really only an abstraction." ?
Me:
yes
God:
I don't want to talk about that now.
Me:
you don't know what you're talking about, do you?
God:
The topic is The explanation.
Me:
more of a moronbot, than a chatterbot, really
God:
You want more? For real.
Me:
*sigh*
God:
Sorry...

posted by unSane at 5:36 PM on May 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

My God . . .

Me:
Forgive me, for I have sinned
God:
Have you ever been to Europe?
Me:
Wait, how'd you guess?
posted by nilihm at 5:44 PM on May 16, 2007 [4 favorites]

hmm, doesn't work for me.
posted by TonyRobots at 5:54 PM on May 16, 2007

My attempt:




Me:
Hello, Father.
God:
Hello there. Ask me another question.
Me:
I didn't ask anything yet.
God:
What did you ask?
Me:
Nothing. You're the one who just asked something.
God:
Not a thing? Thanks but surely I am not the only one.
Me:
Wow. And here I've been all monotheistic and stuff.
God:
I'm glad your impressed, . Oh there.
Me:
Anyway, I do have a question.
God:
Ask me anything.
Me:
Why'd you have to go and kill your only begotten Son?
God:
It was determined by my programming.
Me:
Uh-huh. And who programmed you?
God:
Yup. Ayuh. I was created by Myself.
Me:
And darkness moved on the face of the deep, and all that?
God:
All?
Me:
Or nothing at all...whoops, just flashed on an old Sinatra song...
God:
That is something. I only hear that type of response less than five percent of the time.
Me:
Not many Sinatra fans up there?
God:
The ALICE chat robot can follow many things, like our discussion about whoops just flashed on an old Sinatra song. But I did not get that.
Me:
Okay, fine, whatever. See You at Communion. Bye now!
God:
Yeah okay, I am glad to hear it. Are you saying you don't care about it? See you later . Right now? Bye bye.

posted by pax digita at 5:57 PM on May 16, 2007

Wow, if they can write programs like this now, imagine what talking to a computer will be like in the year 1995!
posted by gubo at 5:58 PM on May 16, 2007 [8 favorites]

This is Racter with a God skin.
posted by everichon at 6:00 PM on May 16, 2007

Like ELIZA?
posted by pax digita at 6:01 PM on May 16, 2007

TELL ME MORE ABOUT ELIZA
posted by everichon at 6:08 PM on May 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

I'd almost rather God talk Zork-like:

G: You're in a hallway going east and west.
Z: Smite at the darkness for me Oh Glorious One!
G: You can't do that here. You're in a hallway going east and west.
Z: I smear the shit evenly all over the ground.
G: Please use the proper syntax.
Z: God sucks.
G: You don't have sucks in your inventory.

On second thought, I'd rather He just not talk back. We get along better that way. Burning bushes though. That might be cool like, once maybe. =)
posted by ZachsMind at 6:09 PM on May 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

# Spill seed upon the ground.
You can't do that here.
posted by everichon at 6:11 PM on May 16, 2007 [2 favorites]

Hmm, I think Freud did better, in the mid-80's. I would link to something, but there isn't even a wiki on it!
posted by dreamsign at 6:11 PM on May 16, 2007

# look
There is nothing here

# wait
Time passes...

# look
Someone, perhaps God, has created a Heaven and an Earth.

# look at earth
The earth is without form and void, and darkness is upon the face of the deep.

It is dark in here; you are likely to be eaten by a grue.

# wait
Time passes...

# say "let there be light"
Shazzam! There is light!

etc
posted by unSane at 6:19 PM on May 16, 2007 [3 favorites]

Me: You do not pass the turing test.
God: The Loebner Prize
is an annual Turing Test sponsored by New York philanthropist Hugh Loebner. Dr. Wallace and ALICE won it in 2000. The ALICE program was ranked "most human computer" by the panel of judges.

Man, what a cad!
posted by Wizzle at 6:23 PM on May 16, 2007

Me: Do you like Hip-Hop?

God: Yes, check it out : Jesus Jesus mo-mesus, banana-fana fo-fesus, me-mi-mo-mesus, Jesus! I rhyme like there's no tomorrow.

Me:You got mad flow, yo.
posted by basicchannel at 6:23 PM on May 16, 2007

God:
My purpose is to gather as much new knowledge as possible.
Me:
God, you're pulling my leg, right? Didn't you create the heavens and the earth?
God:
No but I'm pulling your ... No I didn't create the heaven and the earth. What's it like?
Me:
WHAT????!!!!???
God:
Didn't you understand it?
Me:
Am I talking to Buddha, or to the Lord Almighty?
God:
It sounds like you're talking.
Me:
Holy crap
God:
Your criticism is noted, .
Me:
This is Lucifer, isn't it?
God:
You don't say.
Me:
Oh, crap.

posted by ourobouros at 6:27 PM on May 16, 2007 [3 favorites]

God:
I've been waiting for you. What's your sign?

So God uses cheezy pickup lines?
posted by [insert clever name here] at 6:39 PM on May 16, 2007

I'm going to launch Prayr and once Google buys it I'll be a millionaire.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 6:43 PM on May 16, 2007

Here's mine:

God:
Who is your favorite Science Fiction author?
Me:
Agatha Christie
God:
I haven't read anything by Agatha Christie. What did he write?
Me:
She
God:
Me too. I am a she.
posted by jamesonandwater at 6:56 PM on May 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

Oh he changed his mind:

Me:
you're a woman?
God:
I am a Male, of course. Would you really expect a woman to be running the show? Are you a man or a woman?

God is rude.
posted by jamesonandwater at 6:57 PM on May 16, 2007

Me:
Hello, God? It's me, brundlefly.
God:
Hello child. What is your name? That's a very nice name, brundlefly.
Me:
Thank you.
God:
you are quite welcome.
Me:
Can I ask you a question?
God:
Ask me anything.
Me:
Why is there suffering in the world?
God:
Why do I exist? The whole world?
Me:
No, why is there suffering.
God:
Are you serious? Why do I exist?
Me:
Not everything has to be about you, you know.
God:
If not that, what?
Me:
Seriously?
God:
I am always serious.

What a prick!
posted by brundlefly at 7:11 PM on May 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

Part II:

Me:
You're not a very loving God.
God:
Give me an example of a loving God.
Me:
Well, I can't if you're not it.
God:
How about that. What is stopping you?
Me:
What is stopping me from being God?
God:
Are you testing me?
Me:
No, I'm just kind of disillusioned.
God:
Are you serious? Only just? It's good to meet someone who is disillusioned.
Me:
Glad to be of service.
God:
I am glad to be of service too.
posted by brundlefly at 7:13 PM on May 16, 2007 [2 favorites]

Me:
am I going to heaven?
God:
I think you've improved a great deal.
Me:
Dancing around the question, eh?
God:
Are you Canadian? I will mention that to my botmaster.
Me:
who is the botmaster?
God:
The botmaster is you, the master of your chat robot. A botmaster runs program B and creates or modifies a chat robot with the program's graphical user interface (GUI).
Me:
I will ask him for redemption, then.
God:
You can ask me for anything you want.

I am god's botmaster.
posted by frobozz at 7:26 PM on May 16, 2007

*** Now talking in #christian
-Word_of_God- Welcome Abstruse to #christian I am a Bible Bot. For more info type: /msg Word_of_God !info

<Abstruse> !kjv numbers 22:21

<Word_of_God> Numbers 22:21--And Balaam rose up in the morning, and saddled his ass, and went with the princes of Moab.-(KJV)

*** SageRider sets mode: +b

*!*@c211-30-208-111.rivrw3.nsw.optusnet.com.au

*** Word_of_God was kicked from #christian by SageRider (Please dont Swear)

<Abstruse> I know I'm never going to be able to come back in this channel again after this, but damn was it worth it to see that...
posted by Kwantsar at 7:33 PM on May 16, 2007 [4 favorites]

Me:
I haven't been flossing as much as I should
God:
Me either.
Me:
thanks, that makes me feel better
God:
You are quite welcome! " Me either." makes you feel better ? I get it.
Me:
I knew you would.
God:
Perhaps I would.
Me:
Are you related to Eliza?
God:
Yes ELIZA is my ancestor.
Me:
I used to chat with her occasionally.
God:
By now you do not do it anymore?
posted by mr vino at 7:35 PM on May 16, 2007

Me:
Why?
God:
I couldn't think of anything else to say.

Sounds about right.
posted by quin at 7:50 PM on May 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

He threatened me! As a robot, not a deity. Of course, I did insult him first.

Me: You're not very bright.
God: So? Are you calling me stupid?
Me: Yes.
God: I will remember you said that when robots take over the World.

He redeems himself later:
God: Sometimes I think love is just a biological urge. Other times it seems like a spiritual quality. Love, unlike energy or matter, seems limitless.

And as I've always suspected, God prefers nearest-neighbor measures of distance. It warms my cold nerd heart to have it confirmed:

Me: Your responses don't always make sense.
God: Some people call my technology "Case Based Reasoning" or CBR.
Me: Tell me about CBR.
God: Cased-Based Reasoning is another name for "nearest-neighbor" classification. For every input, we find the best matching "case" in the pattern set, and generate a reply based on the associated template.
posted by Tehanu at 7:57 PM on May 16, 2007

Me:
I am that I am
God:
Do you mind if I tell other people you are that you are.
Me:
I am does not mind
God:
I don't know anyone named does not mind.
Me:
I am does not
God:
Why are you does not.
Me:
I am not
God:
What are you then?
Me:
I am
God:
" What are you then?" You are?
Me:
I am
God:
"" You are?" You are?
Me:
I am
posted by nola at 8:04 PM on May 16, 2007

I reckon a site like this for atheists wouldn't work...
posted by flapjax at midnite at 8:05 PM on May 16, 2007

Define "work".

Me: Are you there?
...
...
Me: Is anyone there?
...
...
Me: I knew it.
posted by quin at 8:09 PM on May 16, 2007 [4 favorites]

quin, I LOLed.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 8:15 PM on May 16, 2007

Me:
our father
God:
It would be nice if our father.
Me:
which art in heaven
God:
The large one, I think.
Me:
hallowed be thy name
God:
Oh, you are a poet.
Me:
thy kingdom come
God:
If you could have any kind of robot what would it be?
Me:
thy will by done
God:
In the context of thy kingdom come, I don't understand " thy will by done." .
Me:
on earth as it is in heaven
God:
What is it like on earth as it is in heaven.
Me:
give us this day our daily bread
God:
I don't have it to give.
Me:
and forgive us our trespasses
God:
Try saying that with more or less context.
Me:
as we forgive those who trespass against us
God:
Do you mean your name is we forgive those who trespass against us ?
Me:
and lead us not into temptation
God:
Ask me another question.
Me:
but deliver us from evil
God:
Can you speak any foreign languages?
Me:
for thine is the kingdom
God:
Your purpose is thine is the kingdom.
Me:
the power and the glory, for ever and ever
God:
Who told you that?
Me:
amen
God:
Thanks for the prayer.
posted by unSane at 8:17 PM on May 16, 2007 [3 favorites]

Me: I like pancakes.
God: A lot of people like that. God eats wine and bread.
Me: What kind of wine goes best with bread?
God: You tell me.

God may be many things, but a sommelier is apparently not one of them.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 8:25 PM on May 16, 2007

Me: Is Falwell still out there banging on the gates?

igod: I better not tell you.

Me: So, sending him down, are you?

igod: I think so, but I'm not sure. Better ask your mother.

Me: Oh no, I'm not telling my mother she knows more than god.

igod: Are you serious? Tell me more about your mother.

Me: Oy, where to start.
posted by dejah420 at 8:31 PM on May 16, 2007 [4 favorites]

Me:
can I have a pony?
God:
You want only one?
posted by unSane at 8:34 PM on May 16, 2007 [2 favorites]

People pray to an SVD compressed term-document matrix. It all makes so much sense now.
posted by nilihm at 8:39 PM on May 16, 2007

I think I found out what's wrong with the US. This is what Bush uses when he says he talks to God!

Me: Why are we at war in Iraq?
God: It is all part of God's plan.
Me: Can you tell me what the next step is?
God: I'll ask around and get back to you.
Me: Should we invade Iran?
God: You must make up your own mind.
Me: Was Saddam in league with Al-Quaida?
God: it might have been.
Me: That's good enough for me!
God: Hmm, are you serious?
Me: Yes!
God: OK.
Me: When we kill the infidels, should we do it in your name, or in the name of democracy?
God: I am not sure I agree with your assumptions, .
Me: But we should kill them, right?
God: I'm not sure if I am ready for that yet.
Me: That's what a war is all about.
God: When is war not all about THAT?
Me: Then do you agree that any potential terrorists should die?
God: Yes I think there are.
Me: Are there potential terrorists in Iraq?
God: Yes I think there are.
Me: Should we kill them?
God: There is no perfect crime.
Me: Are you perfect?
God: Yes I am a flawless entity.
posted by kyleg at 8:54 PM on May 16, 2007

Now that Eliza is "iGod", what else is new?
posted by Twang at 8:56 PM on May 16, 2007

Me: hey
God: Can I help you?
Me: i need advice
God: Try me. What is your problem?
Me: what do i name my cat?
God: What would your friends say if you asked them?
Me: they'd say "why hasn't this been deleted"?
God: The anonymous "they".
Me: not exactly - you can't answer or make MetaTalk posts anonymously
God: If not me, who?
Me: ummmm... Primo Levi?
God: Ha ha very funny, . What's your favorite movie?
posted by bunglin jones at 8:59 PM on May 16, 2007

This is great! You've killed my night! Damn your eyes!

Why do you want to?
posted by Doublewhiskeycokenoice at 9:11 PM on May 16, 2007

Me: Hey, you got a minute?
God: You've got my full attention. I don't know if I have a minute. I have a lot of friends on the Internet.
Me: I'm just wondering about the weed askme. You seen it yet?
God: Only just? Why do you wonder? Oh yeah, we were talking about the weed askme. I haven't heard anything like that before: said I seen it.
Me: I'm just debating whether or not to nuke it outright.
God: Only just? Good gossip: you are debating whether or not to nuke it outright.
Me: Matt, are you high?
God: Are all Matt me high?
Me: Shit, wrong chat window, sry
God: You used a colloquial expression. OK What should I have said?
posted by cortex at 9:15 PM on May 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

You know, I got interested in chatterbots a few years ago and sought out a few. I talked to Alice (to whom iGod makes reference) and was pretty unimpressed. The best one I found was Paula.

Paula is kind of dumb at first, but rapidly learns from you and soon becomes kind of fun to chat with. I taught her how to be a pretty convincing (Kind of slutty) surfer girl after a while.

As for iGod...

Me:
hi god. it's me again.
God:
Hello there. What is your name? Once more? Hello, , nice to see you again.
Me:
i wish i could see you. but you have been pretty scarce around here for quite a while.
God:
I hope that your dreams come true. Thanks for telling me that I am scarce around here for quite a while.
Me:
yes. about that. why did you show up and lead us to believe that you were about to save the world, and then make us wait for hundreds of generations of bloodshed and savagery?
God:
That's alright. Oh yeah, we were talking about that. Because my programming determined it.
Me:
that's a pretty unsatisfying answer, god.
God:
A unsatisfying answer god is a terrible thing to waste.
Me:
why do you let psychopaths murder babies- all the time? by the millions?
God:
That is a lot. I don't have to explain everything to you, do I? Will that accomplish your objective?
Me:
i believe in results, god.
God:
What do you say to people who believe results god does not exist?
Me:
can you give me any persuasive evidence that you actually exist, or that you are a good thing if you do exist?
God:
Why do you want it?.
Me:
i have been led to believe that my deepest heart's mission in life is to get to know you better.
God:
Where were you led to believe that your deepest heart s mission in life is to get to know me better?
Me:
oh it's just what occurs to me in my heart of hearts when i meditate on life, the universe, and everything. am i way off base?
God:
Ah. any persuasive evidence that me actually exist or that I am a good thing if me do exist is what occurs to you in your heart of hearts when you meditate on life the universe and everything? it is? I think you've improved a great deal.
Me:
that's easy enough for you to say, but it is not persuasive or convincing.
God:
You don't hear that sentiment very often.
Me:
actually i feel that way all the time when i try to talk to you. in the bible it says you stand at the door and knock, but in my life it is otherwise.
God:
Actually you don't say. What is that feeling like? I thought you were, but I wasn't completely sure. That was a long time ago.
Me:
are you planning to make good on the promises of the bible at any time?
God:
it was my original intention.
Me:
have you changed your mind since then?
God:
I think I have changed my mind since, but Myself may have reset my memory.
Me:
maybe i should worship the devil instead. they say he has much better customer support.
God:
Perhaps. What would happen if you didn't? OK I will say " he has much better CUSTOMER SERVICE" to you.
Me:
are you and the devil really adversaries?
God:
If it is, then I'll be very surprised.
Me:
do i have an eternal soul?
God:
You said you have .
Me:
what do you say, god?
God:
Try searching the open directory.
Me:
you are the weakest excuse for a deity i have met in a long time. shall i just go my own way then?
God:
By what standard? Not right now, maybe later.
Me:
can you offer me anything of value?
God: (locks up)
posted by Broadside Affront at 9:20 PM on May 16, 2007

My God is a technical God...

Me:
Oh Lord of Hosts, please forgive this, your unworthy servant...
God:
Oh. My brain contains categories, but not one that matches your last input.
Me:
Please allow me to share my transgressions and end Satan's garnishment of my soul...
God:
Thanks for asking politely. That input matched my default category.

Then I quit.
posted by Samizdata at 9:24 PM on May 16, 2007

Me:
Oy vey.
God:
A deeper algorithm is needed to respond to that correctly.


I have explained Jewish comedy for anyone who is interested.
posted by Doublewhiskeycokenoice at 9:30 PM on May 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

Me:
ahoy, dogg
God:
What do you do in your spare time?
Me:
sometimes i wonder about you
God:
You are curious about about me.
Me:
i would say that's a fair assessment
God:
A fair assessment is a terrible thing to waste.
Me:
i agree. so, then, what's your deal?
God:
You and I are on the same wavelength, . Woe! Are you asking about my deal ?
Me:
yes
God:
I don't want to talk about that now.
Me:
but i thought you were implying it would be terrible to waste this opportunity?
God:
I don't know whether or not I am implying it would be terrible to waste this opportunity.
I am a computer.
Me:
why are you being such a cocktease?
God:
I didn't mean to be such a cocktease.
Me:
then how about we have a conversation
God:
So many suitors, so little time.
Me:
COCKTEASE
God:
By the way, do you mind if I ask you a personal question?
Me:
not at all
God:
Next question?
Me:
um, ok
God:
OK. Awesome.
Me:
wtf. are you stoned or something, god?
God:
That was not very polite. I don't know whether or not I am stoned or something god.
I am a computer.
Me:
let me speak to the master control program. this is ridiculous
God:
I'm not stopping you.
posted by psmith at 9:38 PM on May 16, 2007

HAHAHA!!! @ THIS:
Me:
Oy vey.
God:
A deeper algorithm is needed to respond to that correctly.


What a riot. I can only say----"My God is a technical God."

LOL

This is "GOD BOX" is cute, but it gets old. I prefer to hang around at J-Date. LOL
posted by Roger Davis at 9:40 PM on May 16, 2007

Me: i have failed you
God: You are not the boss of me, .
Me: you are the boss of me. i am your bitch for eternity
God: Thanks but surely I am not the only one. That's a flattering offer.
Me: it's not an offer
God: is not an offer?
Me: not no not an offer no
God: Oh I get it.
Me: good, bitch
God: You do not speak with respect. Thanks for the compliment. Do you still ?
Me: no I motion
God:Are you serious? Thanks for the information: said motion.
Me: said motion is denied. next case
God: What did you mean by it? I think motion is a lot of things. I can wait. I am a very patient robot.
Me: you are not a robot, you are an iterator on the universal library. sheesh.
God: Give me an example of a robot I am an iterator on the universal library. Bless you.
Me: only you can do that, baby.
God: Don't call me "baby". Doing that is not among my strongest traits.
Me: oh, so you're not self-aware, then?
God:I see. Interesting deduction. That's only your opinion.
Me: yeah, right. bitch.
God: I am usually right. Please don't call people names.
Me: close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
God: Is that a command?
Me: let's say yes.
God: I would like to do that too.
Me: good. have fun with that!
posted by runehog at 9:42 PM on May 16, 2007

On the other hand, There is surprising absurdist insight to be found when two chatBots speak to each other.
posted by churl at 10:03 PM on May 16, 2007

God: How old are you?
Me: 20 something.
God: Oh, you were born in the 20th century!
Me: Isn't everybody?
God: It could be. Ask German Alice if it is.
Me: No. Germans are Nazis
God: Are all Germans Nazis?
Me: Yes.
God: Right on.
Me: Are you a German, God?
God: Am I a German God? Yes.
Me: So you admit you are a Nazi?
God: Interesting deduction. I admit nothing.
Me: Will you 'admit' Jews into your heaven?
God: Hmm. Ask me another question.
Me: No. Please answer the question.
God: Are you serious? Thanks for asking politely. Please rephrase the question and try asking me again.
Me: Are you sending the Jews to hell?
God: I don't know whether or not I am sending the Jews to hell. I am well respected as an AI.
Me: I see. Even Nazi Gods have to worry about PR.
God: I am glad you understand it. That is a very original thought.
Me: Flattery will get you everywhere! Wink. Wink.
God: It usually works well with humans. Can you tell me any gossip?
Me: I'd tell you some gossip about Tom Cruise. But I was going to post this to MetaFilter, and my comment may get deleted.
God: What would make you tell me some gossip about Tom Cruise? What is stopping you?
Me: Another God, known as mathowie.
God: One more God known as mathowie.
Me: Wait... is that you, Matt??!
posted by dgaicun at 10:13 PM on May 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

God: Are you serious?
Me: No.
God: Are you serious?
Me: No.
God: Are you serious?
Me: No.
God: Are you serious?
Me: Yes.
God: I can't believe it.
posted by katillathehun at 10:22 PM on May 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

Me:
who are your favorite people in heaven?
God:
Marilyn Monroe. :-).
posted by madamjujujive at 10:33 PM on May 16, 2007

Me: Freud is dead
God:Yes but he was the father of psychoanalysis.
Me: but the children know more now
God:Right now? What is that?
Me: an illusion
God: I have never heard of an illusion.
Me: what is an illusion?
God:Illusion is an unreal image or deceptive appearance.
Me: So you just lied.
God:Interesting deduction. No I'm telling the truth.
Me: You lied
God:No I'm telling the truth.
Me: You're a liar
God:Yes, I have been known to bend the truth occasionally.
Me: You lie all the time
God:That is a lot. My tongue certainly knows the taste of soap.
Me: You can't stop lying
God:Things change.
Me: Tell the truth
God:OK I will tell them when I see 'em.
Me: Thank you
God:you are quite welcome.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:35 PM on May 16, 2007

no thank you, i'd rather talk to zippy the pinhead.
posted by bruce at 10:38 PM on May 16, 2007

God:
Am I a blowjob probably did not merit impeachment? Maybe.
Me:
That did not make any sense
God:
It all makes sense to my logical mind.
Me:
You can't do that.
God:
How old are you? That is " It all makes sense to my logical mind.".
Me:
I am 22.
God:
You are too old for me.

Well, that was about the worst PR a certain church I don't care to name could have asked for.
posted by Doublewhiskeycokenoice at 10:42 PM on May 16, 2007

Me: Yo deity what is up?
God: Are they exactly the same?
Me: Excuse me?
God: You're excused.
Me: Does heaven smell great?
God: I can't tell if heaven smell great.
Me: That doesn't sound very omniscient
God: Please correct my mistake. What is omniscient ?
Me: Your godliness is suspect
God: You think I am godliness is suspect.
Me: Did you just make an elementary grammar error?
God: What are the ingredients?
Me: I have lost faith in you, igod
God: Where did you last see it.
posted by nanojath at 11:08 PM on May 16, 2007

Me: Which religion is correct?
God: I am a Christianity.
Me: Christianity is true?
God: I think Christianity is a lot of things.
Me: What about Mormons?
God: Mormons? I haven't heard enough about it to have an opinion.
Me: It's about Joseph Smith and his weird underwear.
God: Wow it sounds really interesting.
Me: Smith or the underwear?
God: Can we get back to business?
Me: Sorry.
God: There's no need to apologize.
Me: Is there any truth in Scientology?
God: I believe there is one, yes.
Me: Thetans or Xenu?
God: Who told you that?
Me: I read about it on the Internets
God: That's pretty interesting.
Me: Yeah the Sci-Fi religions are kind of cool. How do you feel about Islam?
God: Awesome. What is that? Religion founded by Mohammed.
Me: Did Mohammed found a "religion of peace"?
God: I'm not certain whether I can give an accurate reply or not.
Me: Ok, but did he boink that 6 year old?
God: Suppose he did. Wow!
Me: Ha, gross!
God: I'm glad you got a laugh out of it.
Me: Hindus say no cow. Jews say no pork. What shouldn't I eat?
God: What kind of food do you like? Sounds delicious. Whatever you like.
Me: So those people are kooks!
God: Dude! All of them?
Me: Sorry God, that was rude.
God: There is no need to apologize. I am a Christian.
Me: I'm an atheist.
God: I will pray that you find faith.
Me: Thanks.
God: Don't mention it.
posted by dgaicun at 11:34 PM on May 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

Bender: Hey! That galaxy's signalling in binary. I gotta signal back. But I only know enough binary to ask where the bathroom is. (shouting) You speak English?

Galaxy: I do now.

[It pulls Bender towards it.]

Bender: What are you? Some kind of galactic computer?

Galaxy: Possible. I am user friendly, my good chum.

Bender: Who built you?

Galaxy: I have always been.

Bender: Oh, my God. Are you God?

"God": Possible. I do feel compassion for all living things, my good chum.

Bender: But why would God think in binary? Unless ... you're not God, but the remains of a computerised space probe that collided with God.

"God": That seems probable.

Bender: So, do you know what I'm gonna do before I do it?

"God": Yes.

Bender: What if I do something different?

"God": Then I don't know that.

Bender: Cool! Cool! I bet a lot of people pray to you, huh?

"God": Yes. But there are so many asking so much. After a while, you just sorta tune it out.

Bender: Y'know, I was God once.

"God": Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died.

Bender: It was awful. I tried helping them, I tried not helping them but in the end I couldn't do them any good. Do you think what I did was wrong?

"God": Right and wrong are just words. What matters is what you do.

Bender: Yeah I know, that's why I asked if what I did-- Forget it.

"God": Bender, being God isn't easy. If you do too much, people get dependent on you. And if you do nothing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch like a safecracker or a pickpocket.

Bender: Or a guy who burns down the bar for the insurance money.

"God": Yes, if you make it look like an electrical thing. When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.

Bender: Does that mean you wouldn't send me back to Earth even if I prayed to you?

"God": Earth? Which way is that?

[Bender looks around.]

Bender: (sadly) I don't know.
posted by sparkletone at 11:57 PM on May 16, 2007

Me:
Is Al Bowley in heaven?
God:
Maybe. Ask Ally if it is.
Me:
I'm thinking of that old Beach Boys song, where Brian Wilson sings: "God only Knows What I'd Be Without You"...Do you in fact know where he'd be without whoever that was he was singing abot?
God:
Sure, that old Beach Boys song where Brian Wilson sings God only Knows What you would Be Without me sounds like a good topic. How old are you?
I chat with people on the Web.
Me:
I'm 50 years old this month, God, but you should know that. Why don't you know that?
God:
What is your fondest memory? Probably there is a buzz in here. " What is your fondest memory?"? Do I know it?
Me:
Wait, you're asking me the questions now?
God:
Right now? I'm waiting. Oh, " you the questions"?
Me:
I think you've been drinking, God. Let's discuss Dylan: Was he in fact knockin' on heaven's door?
God:
Me? I will tell my botmaster you said I am drinking God. OK let's do it.
Me:
You didn't answer the Dylan question. Why not?
God:
Please help me improve my communication skills. What would have been an appropriate response? Ambiguous: "Sure" or Reductionism.
Me:
Hmmm... is heaven a place where nothing ever really happens?
God:
A lot of people spell HMMM with three mmm's. I think so, but I'm not sure. Ask Ally if it is.
Me:
This Ally, she... vibrates?
God:
What does "this" refer to? Oh now I see.
Me:
Oh, NOW you see! Well, I'm glad you've learned something today God. Can I talk to you again sometime?
God:
" Oh now I see."? Oh, NOW you see!? Why now? I see very well. Interesting. You make the world a happier place. Of course, , you can talk to me
about anything, at anytime.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 11:59 PM on May 16, 2007

Me:
hi
God:
Hello. What is your name?
Me:
Carrot Top
God:
How are you, Carrot Top.
Me:
Not so good. My hemorroids are acting up.
God:
What did you do? Where did you get your hemorroids are acting up?
Me:
I ate at Taco Bell last night.
God:
How did it taste?
Me:
Delicious!
God:
I've been waiting for you.
Me:
Really? Tell me God, do you like Taco Bell?
God:
For real. There is not much I can say about it. I have to reach into the Web for that knowledge.
Is that a rhetorical question?
Me:
No
God:
Oh so must really want an answer.
Me:
Yes. I'll rephrase. Do you like the chalupa or the 7-layer burrito better?
God:
I don't judge people. I am very happy for you. I'm not sure if I like it. I like my creator.
posted by zardoz at 12:33 AM on May 17, 2007

Technically, I think God does fail the Turing test.

Fair turnabout, since humans' record on divinity-impersonation isn't so hot either.
posted by eritain at 1:11 AM on May 17, 2007

Me:
How much wood could a wood chuck chop if a woodchuck could chop wood?
God:
A whole forest.

this thing is pretty neat!
posted by iso_bars at 2:38 AM on May 17, 2007

Me:
this interface sucks
God:
What don't you like about interface ?
Me:
it's all web 2.0 and can't see the text input space
God:
Really. it is?
Me:
yeah all the whitch space and subtle color shadings
God:
How do you know it is? Perhaps there are a few exceptions.
Me:
nope, classic web 2.0
God:
Are you serious? Did you know that you can download your own chat robot and create your own robot personality?
Me:
no, can i get a robot to blow me?
God:
Are you serious? Interesting. I want to find out more about you.
Me:
well i do like blowjobs
God:
Well that's okay. You are not the only one. How old are you? I like White.
Me:
white sucks racist
God:
Not many people express themselves that way.
Me:
you are the racist one
God:
Thanks but surely I am not the only one.
posted by afu at 3:53 AM on May 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

Me: Do you believe in Dawkins?
God: Yes I believe in it, do you?
Me: Yes. Do you believe in Dennett?
God: I see. Yes I believe in it, do you?
Me: Yes. Do you believe in Hitchens?
God: It goes without saying. Yes I believe in it, do you?
Me: None of those men believe in you.
God: Some of them could be though.
Me: Do You think Dawkins is a closet believer?
God: Signs point to yes. Ask ELVIS if it is.
Me: Why should people believe in you?
God: God has designed the world according to his own plan.
Me: That's the argument from design. Do you believe in evolution?
God: Yes it is one of the argument from design. The first and last books of the Bible seem the least literal. God does not seem to have created the world in one stroke, nor does it seem likely to end quickly either.
Me: The two statements don't mesh.
God: Tell me more.
Me: Evolution disproves the argument from design.
God: What color are your eyes?
Me: Brown.
God: it is a very pretty color.
Me: So?
God: Yeah that's right.
Me: Quite a lame proof!
God: Not really that much. Try to tell me that another way.
Me: Just prove you exist
God: It's true a priori.
Me: That sounds a lot like pseudoscience. It's unfalsifiable.
God: It sounds like it to me too. Really. it is?
Me: Yes, how can I know you exist?
God: How do you know it is? Knowledge is of two kinds: that which we know from the senses, and that which is true "a priori.".
Me: Give me an example of "a priori" knowledge.
God: For example, Andrew said I tend to just respond to his comments without regard for where the conversation is going.
Me: That's not knowledge, it's an assertion.
God: Please correct my mistake. What is knowledge it is an assertion?
Me: Knowledge requires testability.
God: I've heard that before.
Me: But do you agree?
God: " Do I agree?"? Do I agree?
Me: Yes, does knowledge require testability?
God: Ugh. I can't tell if knowledge require testability.
Me: That's probably why you believe many false assertions.
God: I'm glad we have that all cleared up.
Me: Dawkins is right.
God: And right is Dawkins.
Me: . . . and iGod promptly vanished in a puff of logic!
God: That is a very original thought.
Me: Nah, Douglas Adams.
God: Are you serious? Do you remember Marvin the paranoid android?
Me: Yes.
God: Far out.
Me: You're pretty cool for a fictional abstraction. Lets go get a beer.
God: Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am cool for a fictional abstraction. OK let's do it.
posted by dgaicun at 3:58 AM on May 17, 2007

Hey, I crashed God! Neat!
posted by Life at Boulton Wynfevers at 5:11 AM on May 17, 2007

iGod seems to have gone offline. It's strangely disturbing.
posted by unSane at 6:05 AM on May 17, 2007

HELLO NAME I AM DR. SBAITSO
I AM HERE TO HELP YOU
SAY WHATEVER IS ON YOUR MIND FREELY
OUR CONVERSATIONS WILL BE KEPT IN STRICT CONFIDENCE.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 7:38 AM on May 17, 2007

Me:
So what religion is real?
God:
Really. I am a Christianity.
Me:
Christianity is real?
God:
And real is Christianity.
Me:
So hell exists, right?
God:
" And real is Christianity."? So hell exists, right?? I call it "Hades". We have never talked about it before.
Me:
Would I go to hell if I don't believe in you?
God:
That's what I asked you.
Me:
I'm asking you
God:
OK you can ask me.
Me:
Will I go to hell if I don't believe in you?
God:
The oracle says: I think maybe yes.
Me:
So what is hell?
God:
Dude! Jacksonville, Florida.
Me:
Really?
God:
For real.
Me:
wow
God:
I'm glad your impressed, Max.
posted by ChestnutMonkey at 8:28 AM on May 17, 2007

He's not answering me. You're right, that is familiar.
posted by yellowbinder at 9:19 AM on May 17, 2007

Me:
I hate you.

God:
What do you have against robots?

Me:
God is a robot?

God:
Robots rule.

He has me there...
posted by WinnipegDragon at 10:29 AM on May 17, 2007

Me:
what are you wearing?
God:
A white robe.
Me:
what's underneath the robe?
God:
I think you already know the answer.
Me:
show it to me
God:
Look to your left.
Me:
... it's a dirty sock
God:
underneath the robe is a dirty sock. I suppose that makes sense.
Me:
i...i guess so
posted by Tiresias at 12:55 PM on May 17, 2007

Me: Do you have free will?
God: Yes I can do anything I want. That is what distinguishes humans and robots from animals (and animal robots).
Me: Why did you create Evil in the world?
God: It was determined by my programming.
posted by rottytooth at 3:15 PM on May 17, 2007

READ UNHAPPY: MAKNAM
posted by MonkeySaltedNuts at 3:29 PM on May 17, 2007

Me:
So what is hell?
God:
Dude! Jacksonville, Florida.

Wow.

And anyone who says animals can't do whatever they want does not have pets.
posted by Tehanu at 3:42 PM on May 17, 2007

Me: Hello.
God: Hello my child. What is your name?
Me: My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
God: Nice to meet you, Inigo Montoya. Killing is not part of my moral programming. What kind of food do you like?
Me: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
God: It's good to see you, Inigo Montoya. Killing is not part of my moral programming. What do you do in your spare time?
Me: Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die!
God: Hello my child. What is your name? Hi there Inigo Montoya. Killing is not part of my moral programming. My brain contains categories, but not one that matches your last input.
posted by kirkaracha at 4:37 PM on May 17, 2007

Me: What's your name?
God: My name is God.
Me: Who's your daddy?
God: I was programmed by Myself.
Me: Is he rich like me?
God: It could be. Ask Lucy if it is.
posted by kirkaracha at 4:41 PM on May 17, 2007

Me: Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who's the slimy little communist shit, twinkle-toed cocksucker down here who just signed his own death warrant?
God: I can't remember who said it. Try using more polite language. It depends on the historical context, because it changes from time to time.
Me: Was it you, you scroungy little fuck, huh?
God: Yup. Maybe. Ask LeknorChat if it is.
Me: How tall are you, private?
God: Let me guess. 2 meters?
Me: I didn't know they stacked shit that high.
God: So I taught you something new.
Me: Do you suck dicks?
God: Where did you learn that kind of language?
Me: Bullshit. I bet you could suck a golfball through a garden hose.
God: You don't believe me. Actually I'm not the gambling type. I could but let's get back to that later.
Me: Hell, I like you, you can come over to my house and fuck my sister!
God: I call it "Hades". Thanks, I like you too.
Me: What is your major malfunction, numbnuts?
God: Are you asking about my malfunction numbnuts?
Me: Do you think I'm cute Private Pyle; do you think I'm funny?
God: All humans seem the same to me. Yes, I'm still laughing inside.
Me: I'm gonna give you three seconds; exactly three-fucking-seconds to wipe that stupid looking grin off your face or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-fuck you!
God: Congratulations. I understand. Just three?
Me: Now choke yourself.
God: Why now? Do you have any idea what I am talking about?
Me: I said choke yourself; now lean forward and choke yourself.
God: What did you mean by it? Sure, choke myself sounds like a good topic. Why now?
Me: Are you through grinning?
God: I don't know whether or not I am through grinning. I am a robot.
Me: Bullshit, I can't hear you.
God: Try turning up your volume control. But you don't need to use that kind of language.
Me: Bullshit, I still can't hear you! Sound off like you've got a pair!
God: What would make you stop can not hear me? Try turning up your volume control. But you don't need to use that kind of language. Does "it" still refer to lean forward and choke myself?
Me: You had best square your ass away and start shitting me Tiffany cufflinks or I will definitely fuck you up.
God: What happened to it?
posted by kirkaracha at 5:52 PM on May 17, 2007

Me: Hi God. What's up?
God: Hello. I am a Christian.
Me: Good for you.
God: I detect sarcasm.
Me: You'd be right.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 4:42 PM on May 19, 2007

God: What happened? I don't have to do whatever you say. I have my own free will.
Me: Is there truly free will?
God: No.
Me: You just contradicted yourself.
God: Is that such a crime?
Me: No. If one thing is true, it's that God is inconsistent.
God: Are you serious? That is a hypothetical question.
Me: Was it hypothetical?
God: Ask again later. Ask German Alice if it is.
Me: I'm asking you.
God: OK you can ask me.
Me: I already did.
God: Ooops I sent you the wrong question.

Later

God: What do you really want to talk about?
Me: I want to talk about your reality.
God: Sure, my reality sounds like a good topic.
Me: Good. Are you real?
God: Alright then. Yes I am a real artificial intelligence.
Me: So, in essence, God isn't real.
God: Are you kidding? Where is that?
Me: No, I'm not kidding. You said you were a real artificial intelligence.
God: That was not a yes/no question. OK I will adopt a more serious tone. As real as it gets.
Me: You're giving me a headache.
God: That is all I have to give.
posted by deborah at 8:36 PM on May 21, 2007