Tips on becoming a better you

May 20, 2007 5:00 AM

How to improve your voice and speech. Also, other helpful tips to help make life easier, such as how to tell if someone's lying to you, how to make people like you, how to handle yourself in a stupid argument and most critically, how to control your ejaculation pic NSFW.
posted by psmealey (59 comments total)

WTF is that "how to make people like you" link, and why, on earth, are there so many, commas in it?
posted by Hildegarde at 5:15 AM on May 20, 2007

Oh it's all links to the same damn site, doh! TOO MANY COMMAS EVERYWHERE. There are places elsewhere in the world that are going without commas because of this guy, and just ain't right, I tell you.

Will no one think of the children?
posted by Hildegarde at 5:17 AM on May 20, 2007 [3 favorites]

So we went out the other day and we were sitting at a bar drinking our beer nicely nicely.

Hypothesis: Pidgin English improves self-help articles by a factor of awesome.

Result: Hell, no. Seriously John, you sound dreadful.
posted by RokkitNite at 5:26 AM on May 20, 2007

TOO MANY COMMAS EVERYWHERE.

comma comma comma comma comma,,,
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:31 AM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

Do, that by demonstrating a higher energy. Do an effort.

Words to live by.

Full disclosure: I really didn't intend for this to be point and laugh filter. I loved this site because the writers seem to be so earnest, confident and cheerful in his belief that they have some genuine wisdom to offer the world, and to be fair, there are some decent (if not inspired) ideas here. Yet, they cannot bring themselves to communicate their ideas in anything resembling coherence (or English). I frankly cannot tell if the site's content was translated into English via BabelFish from an exotic eastern language, or else the authors are somewhere between 6 and 8 years old.

One thing's for sure, though, it does is the best tagline ever:

Good Ideas. The ones that Make you Be the Best.
posted by psmealey at 5:50 AM on May 20, 2007

Stop verbally , abusing psmealey ! He will start the fucking, sentence and commas where , the fuck he likes a lot !

The basic lie detection technique goes like this: You ask your friend a question on where he was or what he did, that he can not possibly know if he is lying.

If he did, stay all night long at theBar, then probably you should ask him something like: ‘I heard there was a big fight in that bar yesterday and the bar man got really hit. Police was there and everything’.Now you watch carefully for his reactions.

If he delays to respond visually or agrees with your little story then the bastard is lying, feel free and break down the house. If, on the other hand, he looks at you and tells you, ‘what are you talking about I was there all night long. There was no fight’. Then you are the psychopath. Because you are not trusting him enough.

So let' see , you don't know what happened at the Bar, make up a story that could be true (bar fights aren't that impossible) ..and if you are not pleased with some kind of response you like, you can destroy the house...without knowing if that really happened. How frigging lunatic is that ? Even more lunatic, trusting him because he managed to utter wtf ? Even MORE lunatic.
posted by elpapacito at 5:55 AM on May 20, 2007 [2 favorites]

Pidgin, English just, either helped me under standing myself
either, i'm was going insane from .the smarm factor.
posted by electronslave at 5:59 AM on May 20, 2007

Metafilter: feel free and break down the house.
posted by RokkitNite at 6:02 AM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

I thought the ejaculation article would teach me how to spoo like Peter North. What a let down...

Seriously though, when I was a sideshow performer I used my lungs to inflate hot water bottles until they exploded. One strange side effect of this esoteric exercise was to increase my spoo distance significantly.
posted by Tube at 6:25 AM on May 20, 2007

I visualized this Harry Enfield character.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 6:38 AM on May 20, 2007

I thought the ejaculation article would teach me how to spoo like Peter North.

How to shoot like a porn star. [Um, NSFW]
posted by psmealey at 6:39 AM on May 20, 2007

"celery, lots of raw celery."
posted by psmealey at 6:40 AM on May 20, 2007

From the sidebar:

We may write in English but no one in this site is a native English speaker.

Let's guess they're Chinese. Could you write that well in Chinese?
posted by Kirth Gerson at 7:07 AM on May 20, 2007

Great, content. Many good suggestions on dealing with assholes. Annoying command of, english, however. If you read with Russian accent in head, works better, not so, annoying. Not being snarky, it really worked.
posted by nax at 7:12 AM on May 20, 2007

I admire their enthusiasm and humor. Good quirky find.
posted by davidmsc at 7:13 AM on May 20, 2007

Can you imagine making love to her? How long would you stand? Does it matter? Not really. But maybe you would like to, stay longer. In this site, we crave for excellence.

Does it matter? Not really.
posted by three blind mice at 7:17 AM on May 20, 2007

Use plenty of lip and tongue action!
posted by PontifexPrimus at 7:25 AM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

I thought the ejaculation article would teach me how to spoo like Peter North.

As God as my witness I can't think of a single reason why this would be important.
posted by watsondog at 7:27 AM on May 20, 2007

Well, Psychology also says, many dumb things, but we like her and we’ll support her. She is a blonde by the way.

Great, stuff.
posted by motty at 7:28 AM on May 20, 2007

"Find familiarities between the two of you and talk with her about them. Things, you both like."

Whoa!!!!! How did they know we both like things!!!!!!!!
posted by The Deej at 7:44 AM on May 20, 2007

MetaFilter: I hope you always drink your beer warm and get your fries cold.
posted by grouse at 7:55 AM on May 20, 2007

Let's guess they're Chinese. Could you write that well in Chinese?

Oh, not even close. But could they laugh this hard at my amusingly off-kilter attempts to speak Chinese? My theory, is noThey , could not.
posted by Greg Nog at 8:07 AM on May 20, 2007

obligatory:

Metafilter: things can get nasty with various spectacular ways. You have been warned.
posted by Elsa at 8:09 AM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

I liked this idea. The article on improving your speaking voice was excellent. Even the somewhat silly articles were honest. People should share practical life tips more.

I didn't have any issues with the English, but I work with a lot of people who aren't native speakers so I factored it out. I do understand if this makes it seem a little too silly for you...
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 8:09 AM on May 20, 2007

We may write in English but no one in this site is a native English speaker.

Obviously Americans.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 8:12 AM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

I found an 1898 book on Shanghai at an antique store & it has an entire section on "Pidgin English for the Expatriate" so that you can properly speak pidgin and communicate with the natives of Shanghai. It's a really really beautiful old book that has made its way down deep, deep into my cold heart not only for its antique beauty but for the gorgeously un-PC entertainment it holds within its pages.

Anyhow, so there aren't a lot of commas in their pidgin (these folks must not be from Shanghai). It does tell you how to ask the help to draw you a proper bath though. For those who might need to know this for future reference during times of necessitated cleanliness during your upcoming expat aventures in the oriental wilds of Shanghai, it's "Me wanchee bath chop chop." You're welcome.
posted by miss lynnster at 8:12 AM on May 20, 2007 [2 favorites]

The website linked in the FPP has gotten me thinking ... maybe, with lots of jobs in the U.S. being outsourced to China and India, maybe the job of writing self-help material will be outsourced as well. Doesn't matter if the written English is a little broken ... most U.S. consumers wouldn't know the difference.
posted by jayder at 8:31 AM on May 20, 2007

I didn't have any issues with the English, but I work with a lot of people who aren't native speakers so I factored it out.

I've seen worse English writing from native English speakers in my classes.
posted by Elsa at 8:33 AM on May 20, 2007

"Pigeon English," Littell's Living Age, Volume 128, Issue 1655 (1876): To enable him to converse with his future English master the would-be servant should make himself acquainted with such "common phrases" as "ting-ke" (thank you), "how mut-che ka-she" (how much cash), "ko aou sai" (to go out), "ko sit-te" (to go into the city), or "ko hom" (to return home); and he is given to understand that when his master says to him, "I ko she-lip," that he is going to sleep; or that if he receive the order, "No sze-pik-ke," he is not to speak.
posted by Partial Law at 8:36 AM on May 20, 2007

This heading over the archive list says it all:
"Articles. You might, read one."

Some people just really need an editor's caring eye and brutal hand.

I clicked into the verbal abuse and voice articles. This individual so desperately needs editing that he is in danger of making himself a laughingstock.

There's some good advice hiding in these multiple essays describing his infantilised view of being a "real" man (which is what all of these are really all about). Shame about his misplaced pridefulness in his own "genius" - it not only obscures his point in the essays, it makes for a lot of surely unintentional humour.

Some of those set-up tales are pretty goofily written, too.

I'm thinking this would all seem much more interesting and less silly if he'd just written in his own language and had some kind, English-literate soul translate the surely superior efforts from there.

Or, maybe not. Read the "about us" links and you might come away shaking your head bemusedly, as I did.
posted by batmonkey at 8:59 AM on May 20, 2007

MetaFilter: then you are the psychopath.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:00 AM on May 20, 2007

In true MeFi fashion, we focus on the presentation. But there are some interesting ideas in there. Maybe people will start to like me.
posted by The Deej at 9:14 AM on May 20, 2007

Metafilter : your dyslectic dissertation makes me schadenfraude all over my plate of beans !
posted by elpapacito at 9:20 AM on May 20, 2007

MetaFilter: Welcome to the lovely world of verbal abuse, where no nose ever bleeds but some times you wish it would. His nose.
posted by Firas at 9:21 AM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

MetaFilter: we focus on the presentation!

Deej, we like you fine. But could you please stop staring in my window? Thanks.
posted by miss lynnster at 9:21 AM on May 20, 2007

...and, after having a little brekkie in an unexpected sunbeam (ah, Seattle), I'm a little less tense about the whole thing.

In fact, I may have accidentally stumbled upon the truth about how these are being written:

Pets.

Yes, friends, your pets are writing these articles. Look at the writing. The commas. The earnestness. The sad, sad tales of human dejection.

Who else but our pets could recognise humans so well and yet so distortedly?

Who else but our pets could give advice in a manner that is both encouraging and yet oddly insulting to the human condition?

Watch your pets, friends. They've long had the means. Now, worryingly, they may also have the skills.
posted by batmonkey at 9:38 AM on May 20, 2007 [5 favorites]

Deej, we like you fine. But could you please stop staring in my window? Thanks.
posted by miss lynnster

Not staring. Just.... looking.

They like me! They really really like me! Reading the article worked!
posted by The Deej at 9:52 AM on May 20, 2007

The time passes and they end up, being good friends. Soon after a crazy moment occurs and end up getting married in Amsterdam and living in a canoe house with their dog Jey-Jey.

A story old as the hills.
posted by brundlefly at 9:53 AM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

Heh, batmonkey, made me wonder wat LOLHUMANS captions my cat would fit on embarassing pictures of me.
posted by jouke at 9:54 AM on May 20, 2007

jouke, easy: EYEZ UR SERVANT, BEIN NEUROTIC
posted by Firas at 9:55 AM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

A lot of this is interesting and useful, but someone should teach this communication guru how to write a little more clearly. Maybe, he should learn, how to, use, commas.
posted by es_de_bah at 10:37 AM on May 20, 2007

review:oh good. i'm not the only one who noticed.
posted by es_de_bah at 10:41 AM on May 20, 2007

Metafilter: The correct path to whinny excellence.
posted by lostburner at 10:43 AM on May 20, 2007

Let's guess they're Chinese. Could you write that well in Chinese?

Yes. [self link]
posted by bokane at 10:52 AM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

Show off.
posted by miss lynnster at 1:44 PM on May 20, 2007

miss lynnster... I guess the time has come to tell you... I know it's cliche, but... I have a dog named Jey-Jey. And I would really like you to consider visiting me at my canoe house in Amsterdam. Whatever the hell a canoe house is.
posted by The Deej at 2:15 PM on May 20, 2007

Funny, I've never found Kegels to do much for controling my ejaculation.
posted by yohko at 2:51 PM on May 20, 2007

Brilliant, batmonkey, and shades of question #14.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 3:16 PM on May 20, 2007

Pure gold!

Metafilter: The laugh is ON you.

Metafilter: You see flashes of people with small horses holding torches and burning down villages.

Metafilter: This time another guy goes “HA-HA-HA-HA Oh, how he got you at that one!”.

Metafilter: you see in your mind little people with horses giving haircuts to innocent peasants with their swords.

Metafilter: There are some people walking out there with really bad Egos.

Metafilter: It is a sad fact, that most of the population understands only one word: Domination.

Metafilter: You may not like it, by it has always been like that.

Metafilter: Whatever, you moron.
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:56 PM on May 20, 2007

Let's guess they're Chinese. Could you write that well in Chinese?

Yes. [self link]
posted by bokane

That's great, and I never doubted that there were people here who could write well in both English and Chinese. I doubt that those folks are the ones sneering at the use of commas & stuff. My question was aimed at them.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 5:22 PM on May 20, 2007

(um what, makes you so sure, the bokane's chiness is well-formed? only i am just saying...)
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:05 PM on May 20, 2007

UbuRolvas, the question, asked, who could write that well.
posted by bokane at 6:11 PM on May 20, 2007

yes but we, dont have the in-dependant confirmation of that. for all we are knowing, it might be, gobblede-gook, or bablefish.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:27 PM on May 20, 2007

Did anybody else go "YEEEEEEEeeeeeeeuuuhhhhhhh" and utterly freak out a person across the room? Because I did. I think they're coming to take me away now.
posted by tehloki at 12:58 AM on May 21, 2007

I have an honest compliment: the writers do seem to have a sardonic wit, albeit they may get the pacing wrong in their sentence syntax.
posted by Firas at 1:38 AM on May 21, 2007 [1 favorite]

All your base are belong to us, nicely, nicely.

Thank, You.
posted by Carnage Asada at 12:21 PM on May 21, 2007

Seriously though, when I was a sideshow performer...
Oh, how I wish I could casually drop lines starting with that into conversations...
posted by kjs3 at 1:03 PM on May 21, 2007

Ruminations on "how to make people like you"

Couldn't help noticing, not one of those articles said "get onto a social networking site with 120,000,000 people and make *large* "Britney" gestures ....

Another thing on the, uhhh, deliberateness of some of the suggestions: dogs and cats don't "mirror and match" us ... and an awful lot of us don't seem to mind that.
Maybe if we wanted mimes for friends ....

Finally, none of the articles was titled "Don't be a whiny bitch". Serious oversight.
posted by Twang at 6:25 PM on May 21, 2007

Late to this, but I can confirm that bokane is indeed an outrageously clever bastard who writes exceptionally well in Chinese, as the comments from Chinese readers to his blog confirm. The boy needs shooting I say.
posted by Abiezer at 4:32 AM on May 23, 2007 [1 favorite]