Spank Her!

May 20, 2007 9:29 AM

Christian Domestic Discipline: "[W]hen you cook a steak, and use high heat to seer the top, and then try to eat it you will find the steak cold and unsatisfying, just like a woman might feel after a very brief but hard spanking, yes she cried but only out of pain and learned only pain from the spanking. But slowly warming her bottom up, you will be able to spank her longer." Be sure not to miss the Crotchless Pantaloons!
posted by Secret Life of Gravy (110 comments total)

Really screwed up. Jesus' General has been riffing on this.
posted by brundlefly at 9:36 AM on May 20, 2007

What a magnificent repository. I'm gonna make that hiney sing tonight.
posted by porn in the woods at 9:38 AM on May 20, 2007 [3 favorites]

Someone please tell me that this is a joke.
posted by papakwanz at 9:41 AM on May 20, 2007

Call me when they get into Christian three ways with two hot Christian twins and me.
posted by Astro Zombie at 9:48 AM on May 20, 2007

I'm into the more secular approach.
posted by Firas at 9:49 AM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

Secret Life of Gravy, been googling info on beating Christians again, huh?
posted by graventy at 9:51 AM on May 20, 2007

Indeed, I'll give you 20:1 odds that the whole 'Christian discipline' thing is just a cover. Revel in your kinks, my pious brethren!
posted by Firas at 9:51 AM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

Christian Domestic Discipline Spanking Romance Short Story Collection.
posted by ericb at 9:55 AM on May 20, 2007

"Crotchless Pantaloon" is a sock puppet waiting to happen.
posted by brundlefly at 9:56 AM on May 20, 2007 [2 favorites]

Because a timely trip across the husband's knees usually restores broken fellowship and breeds both love and respect in marriage, the long-term results certainly are not nearly as debilitating as divorce for most couples.

Thousands of couples could be saved from divorce! Who knew?

From the same page:

There are three basic ways to control a wife. One is to ignore her. Another is to burden her with chores, responsibilities, and work. The final way is to, in a no nonsense fashion, discipline her personally, privately, and memorably.
posted by SassHat at 9:59 AM on May 20, 2007

what the seer saw seared his eyes.
posted by quonsar at 10:03 AM on May 20, 2007

My wife's jaw is still on the floor
posted by Hands of Manos at 10:08 AM on May 20, 2007

LOL XTIANS
posted by fandango_matt at 10:12 AM on May 20, 2007

MetaFilter: The buttocks of the penitent are presented and may be almost totally immobilized until the necessary application is completed.
posted by BeerFilter at 10:13 AM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

Those crotchless pantaloons are hot!
posted by wsg at 10:16 AM on May 20, 2007

This is now post #69 tagged with "Christian."


I'm just sayin'.
posted by ChrisTN at 10:21 AM on May 20, 2007

Women nag, men spank. Women have shape tongues, and equally sharp minds, which they can use with great effect. Men have upper body strength. For good or for evil, but use what God gave them.

DO. NOT. WANT.
posted by jokeefe at 10:25 AM on May 20, 2007

In CDD, the husband has authority to spank the wife.
The wife does not have authority to spank her husband.

Hm. Well, count me out then.
posted by John Kenneth Fisher at 10:26 AM on May 20, 2007

My wife's jaw is still on the floor

You spanked her way to hard.
posted by Bort at 10:34 AM on May 20, 2007 [4 favorites]

crotchless pantaloons aren't the joke. they were very real and still are for little kids in china.
posted by trinarian at 10:38 AM on May 20, 2007

sigh
posted by The Deej at 10:46 AM on May 20, 2007

does this mean that a spanked wife is like a medium cooked steak and both, seared with sauce, makes for fine dining?
posted by Postroad at 10:47 AM on May 20, 2007

Christian domestic discipline is the weirdest subset of sexually-repressed Christians I've encountered yet. The Biblical justification for the act means that there are a lot of Christian couples living very kinky lives and not realizing it. I can only imagine some of the awkward conversations that occur between these couples and their more worldly friends.

I can't really be disturbed by these couples though--in the greater scheme of both the Christian community and the BDSM community they seem like some of the less harmful people.

This, however, is mind-breaking.
posted by Benjy at 10:47 AM on May 20, 2007

Well. I'll be gosh-darned!
posted by mmahaffie at 10:48 AM on May 20, 2007

size S/M indeed.
posted by wzcx at 10:54 AM on May 20, 2007

Christians trying to oppress consenting adults who enjoy BDSM = "oh those evil uptight Christians!"

Christian consenting adults who enjoy BDSM = "oh those evil uptight Christians!"


Interesting.
posted by drjimmy11 at 10:55 AM on May 20, 2007

I won't click the link, but sounds like he doesn't know anything about cooking a good steak either.

This is about as Christian as the bottom of Osama Bin Ladin's shoe.
posted by konolia at 10:58 AM on May 20, 2007

(If you like to play spanking games in the bedroom I don't give a rip as long as it's consensual but I object to the labelling of this site as Christian. Just wanted to make my point clear.)
posted by konolia at 10:59 AM on May 20, 2007

drjimmy11, I haven't seen proclamations in this thread of evilness or uptightness, just knowing bemusement. But for what it's worth I think the mindset behind the action is very relevant. There's a hell of difference between spanking someone because you both find it hot and spanking someone coz you're an ass in a dysfunctional relationship.

I don't think these particular Christians are into spanking because they're evil. They're just kinky and rationalizing it.
posted by Firas at 11:00 AM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

My first thought was "wow, that's a pretty weird way to justify your fetish".

In those days it was the women who wore the makeup, the earrings, the bikinis, and the men treated them like Ladies, albeit sometimes in need of a good spanking. ...

Play spanking in a marriage serves to remind both the husband and the wife of their roles in the relationship. ... Maintenance discipline is a practice of giving your wife regular spankings to maintain her proper behavior and attitude.

It all reads straight out of a 1980s S&M handbook. Then I read the site and I honestly can't decide if this is a parody or not. The blog is full of earnest comments.

This blog post explains the crotchless pantaloons.

THEN my husband threw a wrench in my spokes when he asked me to stop wearing underwear under my skirts. ... This was him half-jokingly telling me he’d really love it if I were perpetually “available” to him ... So now on cold days I wear crotch-less pantaloons with knee-high socks or hose.

posted by Nelson at 11:06 AM on May 20, 2007

I'm wondering, though: could this be some kind of odd secular BDSM fetish? Ie, not really being Christians but pretending to be Christians because the sexual repression makes it that much more+++ sexy?

I just have a hard time wrapping my mind around Rev. Dr. Pastor Jim Rob Williams III spanking the missus and not realizing how kinky it is.
posted by Avenger at 11:06 AM on May 20, 2007

Also, metafilter needs more "Crotchless" tags.
posted by Avenger at 11:09 AM on May 20, 2007

Crucial bit: Though we recognize by its very nature this subject can be erotic, we will keep this website as clean and wholesome as possible. However, we will not seek to deny the erotic nature of some CDD marriages as we believe it is a natural consequence of following God's plan. After all, He created eroticism to be enjoyed inside a Christian marriage.
posted by chuckdarwin at 11:18 AM on May 20, 2007

And verily, the failure to follow the precepts are part and parcel of why this nation is circling God's moral drain. When wives refuse their husbands their God-given right to spank heinie within the marital unit, they are forcing their husbands onto the path of waywardness leading to paying the $5 hooker for the right to spank their heinie. Repent you sinners!
posted by MAYORBOB at 11:21 AM on May 20, 2007

This is about as Christian as the bottom of Osama Bin Ladin's shoe.

Lo, so sayeth the Prophet Konolia.
posted by monju_bosatsu at 11:30 AM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

While I loves me some spanking (I also loves me some "I loves me some") this is approximately ten million times creepier than I would have guessed just from reading the thread.

The charitable reading is that it's just a BDSM lifestyle gussied up with an extra frisson of religious tension. Except... it doesn't come across that way when you read the site.

The page on introducing it to your wife makes me laugh though. "Honey, this is totally not a sexual thing, it's just about power in the relationship, I swear! Where are you going? Honey?"
posted by shadow vector at 11:32 AM on May 20, 2007

The suppressed Gospel of St. Rand contains the famous aphorism, "Nag not, lest ye be nippleclamped."
posted by Firas at 11:33 AM on May 20, 2007 [3 favorites]

This is about as Christian as the bottom of Osama Bin Ladin's shoe.

Lo, so sayeth the Prophet Konolia.
posted by monju_bosatsu

Well, sure, the bottom of Bin Laden's shoe is, indeed, lo.
posted by The Deej at 11:36 AM on May 20, 2007

All these good, earnest Christian women whose husbands' sweaty palms tremble as they're bent over his knees, this is just a small taste of what they will suffer as Gorean plunder.
posted by felix betachat at 11:36 AM on May 20, 2007

The only thing I find slightly icky about this site is the non-consensual spanking note.

Though we believe the Bible gives a husband the authority to use spanking as one tool in enforcing his authority in the home with or without his wife's permission, in today's world we recognize the legality that mandates that all CDD must be consensual. Therefore we will do not condone nonconsensual CDD as a rule.

And that's also the difference between this and secular BDSM, people in if for their kinks generally aren't pretending that their relationships are a model for all relationships, or that spankings are mandated by god. That said compared to some of the things people try to justify in the name of god, this site seems fairly harmless. And hell, maybe it'll give some kinky repressed fundies a chance to get their freak on.
posted by Grimgrin at 11:42 AM on May 20, 2007

Without going into details (though I'm tempted to), I'll say only that this is no surprise to me.
posted by pax digita at 11:45 AM on May 20, 2007

Non-consensual, though...that is not OK and certainly un-Christian.
posted by pax digita at 11:46 AM on May 20, 2007

Though we believe the Bible gives a husband the authority to use spanking as one tool in enforcing his authority in the home with or without his wife's permission, in today's world we recognize the legality that mandates that all CDD must be consensual.

Pesky secular laws!

Plus, Girl Scouts are evil:

"I arrived just as the meeting was getting ready to begin, nodding at all the ladies present as I seated myself around the table with perhaps fifteen or twenty other Girl Scout leaders... all of a sudden I began to feel this…frigidness… this overwhelming coldness and oppression I recognized at once as originating from Satan...

I was confused. As I looked around the room, I noticed that the majority of the other leaders all had their hair cut off clean to their ears and were dressed quite manly, but other than that, I could see nothing out of the ordinary. ..

If you have ever experienced spiritual discernment and have felt the cold oppressiveness of evil, you will understand what I mean.

...[the she discovered] Girl Scouts of America was involved, perhaps even heavily involved, with Planned Parenthood."

Also: Lesbian troop leaders! A can't-miss.
posted by frobozz at 11:57 AM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

S/M: waist 26"-42", hips 44", thigh 26"

That's a small?

Wait... won't it be awkward when the husband bends little Jimmy and little Jenny over his knee to discipline them after disciplining wifey?
posted by porpoise at 11:58 AM on May 20, 2007

Awesome. If spanking doesn't do the trick do you move directly to crucifixtion of the wife or are scourging and crowning with thorns mandatory?
posted by three blind mice at 11:58 AM on May 20, 2007

Sounds a lot like those movies in which John Wayne beat up on Maureen O'Hara. But in real life? Why should one adult need to beat another adult except to force compliance? That has nothing to do with Christian love.
posted by Cranberry at 12:02 PM on May 20, 2007

I won't click the link...

This is about as Christian as the bottom of Osama Bin Ladin's shoe.
posted by konolia

If you haven't read the link, perhaps it's best you refrained from commenting.
posted by justgary at 12:03 PM on May 20, 2007 [3 favorites]

Well, maybe I'd still be married, if I had beat my wife...

More...
posted by Samizdata at 12:12 PM on May 20, 2007

Hey! You got your bondage fetishism in my fundamentalist Christianity!

Hey! You got your fundamentalist Christianity in my bondage fetishism!
posted by Rangeboy at 12:19 PM on May 20, 2007 [7 favorites]

Their website design is so... light, and airy, and floral. More like a douche commercial than any of the bdsm sites I've ever seen.

If the wife cries out 'Oh God!' or 'Jesus Christ!' while being spanked or taken in her muslin pantaloons, does that count as blasphemy or worshipful praise?
posted by CKmtl at 12:20 PM on May 20, 2007

What a great cover story!

So, if I shyly suggest to my man that he spank me and he rejects me...

I'm not kinky, he's just not a Christian.
posted by misha at 12:21 PM on May 20, 2007

I'm not quite sure where crotchless panties come in handy when it comes to spanking. Wouldn't assless panties be better?

... unless we're not talking spankin', that is ...
posted by kaemaril at 12:21 PM on May 20, 2007

"This is about as Christian as the bottom of Osama Bin Ladin's shoe."

Sayeth the prophet konolia, whose prophet super powers are so awesome that she doesn't even need to view the material at hand before making a judgment.
posted by 2sheets at 12:23 PM on May 20, 2007

For extra fun, view this discussion page while logged out. I just got some Google text ads offering me Hairbrush Spank for 75% off (at best-price.com) and a huge selection of Women spanking men on eBay.
posted by CrunchyFrog at 12:34 PM on May 20, 2007

This is about as Christian as the bottom of Osama Bin Ladin's shoe.

I'm not going to argue with you as I have no pressing need to pin this on Christianity or not... however, I'd pay good money to watch you argue with this guy, particularly if it it ended with one of you getting spanked.

and possibly enjoying it
posted by fleetmouse at 12:41 PM on May 20, 2007 [2 favorites]

I can't stop reading this site. It just gets creepier and creepier

Because females generally lack upper body strength, any attempts to rebel by raising the upper body are minimal. Nevertheless, if the wife attempts to use her free hand to protect herself or otherwise interfere, it can be pinned to her back or side with the hand that would otherwise wrap around her waist. If more control is required, it may be achieved by the husband leaning more of his torso weight on her back.

So far I haven't found any mention of safewords. I guess good Christians don't need them? Eek.
posted by Nelson at 12:52 PM on May 20, 2007

Awesome. If spanking doesn't do the trick do you move directly to crucifixtion of the wife

you mean marital relations?
posted by geos at 12:58 PM on May 20, 2007

The following OTK position for disciplining wives is adapted from a method used and recommended by a registered nurse to paddle high school and college aged daughters. It is suggested in this forum because, as experienced husbands and fathers are aware, there is not much difference in paddling a rebellious teenager or her difficult mother.

Oh My!
posted by geos at 1:00 PM on May 20, 2007

30 shekels says this site was built by one single guy whose wife didn't believe him when he said his spanking fetish was compatible with good honest Christian values. "Look honey, I found a respectable Christian website that explains away all your fears!"

Next week: the theological underpinnings of the steak and the blowjob.
posted by hoverboards don't work on water at 1:02 PM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

I guess we should be thankful that these christian husbands are just spanking their wives and not, say, making their wives wear veils.

Ages ago, two philosophy professors of mine had opposite views on religion. One took Dostoevsky's view that if nothing is true, everything is permitted. The other maintained that God has been used as the primary rationalization for most major atrocities in world history, so it was precisely the concept of God which permitted everything.

As vaguely religious myself, I fall somewhere between those two viewpoints, though I guess I mostly side with the latter philosopher -- and this helps confirm that.
posted by treepour at 1:16 PM on May 20, 2007

I've got nothing against BDSM and if Christians want to get involved in that its their business.

This, OTOH, seems like it could easily be domestic violence hiding behind a BDSM mask.
posted by sotonohito at 1:26 PM on May 20, 2007 [2 favorites]

Metafilter: This is about as Christian as the bottom of Osama Bin Ladin's shoe
posted by Hands of Manos at 1:47 PM on May 20, 2007

Next week: the theological underpinnings of the steak and the blowjob.

Erectile dysfunction and the problem of theodicy.
posted by felix betachat at 1:48 PM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

Is there butt sex involved in this awesome martial marital religion? I AM ASKING FOR A FRIEND OKAY?!??!?
posted by Mister_A at 2:07 PM on May 20, 2007

The reactions to this site demonstrate exactly what's wrong with contemporary America.

Describing God-ordained discipline as kink or fetish, while celebrating loose sexual relations where spanking is merely 'optional' or 'fun'...? That's how far we've fallen from the Christian Nation based in Biblical Principles intended by the Founding Fathers. Don't you people understand: it's not gays who're destroying marriage, it's the lack of obedience in healthy Christian families. We've become so confused that even those degenerates understand love better than regular families. "Leather Daddy" homosexuals demanding marriage rights are merely a sign of degradation, a symptom of how sick our society has become. Why else would these sick souls be clamoring to start the families that good Christians would rather avoid through serial premarital monogamy or divorce?

Look, the Lord Jesus Christ gave us a clear chain of command: children obey parents, wives obey husbands, and husbands obey God. Thus, everyone is ultimately answerable to God, and He is the Commander-in-Chief. Just as parents spank children and husbands spank wives, God 'smites' us when we disobey him, as we've been doing for decades. That's why we have AIDS, drugs, and terrorism: that's our 'spanking' for falling away from His grace and (G)ood (O)rderly (D)irection. It's so clear: why can't you hear God's will for you all?
posted by anotherpanacea at 2:37 PM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

Erectile dysfunction and the problem of theodicy.

I think I've found my dissertation topic--thanks, MetaFilter!
posted by ChrisTN at 2:38 PM on May 20, 2007

It's so clear: why can't you hear God's will for you all?

Maybe once I buy my wife that Holy Ball Gag, it will be easier to hear God's will.
posted by ChrisTN at 2:40 PM on May 20, 2007 [2 favorites]

ChrisTN: I'm sure you mean well, but I should point out that physical restraints are much less Godly than mental discipline inspired by a healthy respect for authority, or at least a sensible fear of punishment. A wife that can arrest her own tongue is much more virtuous than a woman who must be gagged. But at least you're both listening for God's voice! That's great start!
posted by anotherpanacea at 2:55 PM on May 20, 2007 [3 favorites]

I am so thoroughly creeped out right now.

One of the recommended links is to this blog, which seems slightly more ready to admit that there is a BDSM element to all this. Be sure to scroll down to the December 18, 2006 entry on suggestions for what to do if one becomes aroused during the process.
posted by naoko at 3:01 PM on May 20, 2007

The way this is going, we might end up with the world's first non-ironic use of the Baby Jesus Butt Plug.
posted by CrunchyFrog at 3:16 PM on May 20, 2007

If you and your kinky God-fearing spouse are a couple of switches into more gender balance in your corporal punishment, rather than a top/bottom pair fixed in the old-fashioned gender roles, there's always the Spencer Spanking Plan.
posted by CrunchyFrog at 3:51 PM on May 20, 2007

Sick fucks. Christians creep me out.
posted by chance at 4:07 PM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

Now that it's sunk in a bit, I don't think the whole wife-dominating thing is the creepiest part of it. I find 24/7 D/s things a bit creepy because of the intensity of it, regardless of the genders. But, you know, consenting adults and all that...

What's creepier is that, in some percentage of these relationships, there's kids in the picture. This isn't just Daddy and Mommy breaking out the handcuffs when the kids are at sleepovers. Monthly/weekly/daily "Maintenance Discipline", involving spanking her to tears... The kids are going to hear that eventually, and either wonder or figure out what's going on.

"Mom, why does Dad spank you and make you cry?"

"Because Mommy needs to know her place. If Dad doesn't spank me, I'll be too willful and won't submit to Dad's will and needs. And that's bad. Understand now, son?"

"Uh..."
posted by CKmtl at 4:36 PM on May 20, 2007

To those who object to my commenting-I did briefly see the link before-it was being commented on on a Christian woman's blog. Happy now?
posted by konolia at 4:58 PM on May 20, 2007

uh-oh. I think Christianity might have given me a boner.
posted by Citizen Premier at 5:13 PM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

"30 shekels says this site was built by one single guy whose wife didn't believe him when he said his spanking fetish was compatible with good honest Christian values. "Look honey, I found a respectable Christian website that explains away all your fears!"

Actually, I've had quite a bit of contact with members of a group (cult?) of radical Christians, for whom a lot of the content of this site seems to ring true. I don't know if they spanked their wives or not, but the women definitely wore pantaloons (under their long skirts), they were distrustful of women with short hair, submissive to their menfolk, etc. Basically, everything under the "Leah's Corner" of the site ("Exegetical Defense of the Woman as Keeper at Home," "The Feminism of the Mothers is the Destruction of the Daughters," "Pastor Bob on Dresses vs. Pants," and so forth) is something I heard in one form or another from women of this group (the men didn't really talk to me).

I could go on and on about their various wackinesses/troubling habits/strange children....but yeah. There are people who really live this way.
posted by frobozz at 5:30 PM on May 20, 2007

No safewords, no way of refusing...that ain't BDSM, that's just abusive. No matter how fancy your "biblical" justification. Or any other kind. Just plain old wife abuse, I'm afraid.

Sounds like this guy that Bush appointed to the FDA, who forced his wife to have anal sex and hurt her, until she divorced him.

As Marcotte put it in that link,

people call this sort of thing hypocrisy, since he moralizes and moralizes and moralizes while tormenting his wife. But I see it as completely consistent–the whole Jeebus thing is a weak cover story, a smiley face slapped on to hide that the real belief that women are objects, Others, toys to be controlled and manipulated.

This post kind of reminds me of prison rape jokes...it's all considered funny, unless you consider that a human being is being hurt in a way that they don't deserve, no matter how mild (though a spanking can definitely hurt you) or "deserved" (by the prisoner...because supposedly, rape is not one of the punishments we actually condemn people to. Something about cruel and unusual, maybe the same reason we don't use thumbscrews).

And an asshole who spanks his wife against her will probably doesn't stop at that form of beating. So, not so funny.
posted by emjaybee at 6:04 PM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

"This is about as Christian as the bottom of Osama Bin Ladin's shoe."

Sayeth the prophet konolia, whose prophet super powers are so awesome that she doesn't even need to view the material at hand before making a judgment.

I can predict without reading that site that it's going to be anti-feminist; why shouldn't konolia be able to predict that the site's un-Christian? It's obviously aimed at those who follow a very narrow, fundamentalist interpretation of scripture that I believe most mainstream denominations would reject at least in part (otherwise, why the articles on the site lamenting men's supposed "abdication of the leadership role in the family"?). I have my differences with konolia, but I think this snark is unfair.
posted by jokeefe at 6:05 PM on May 20, 2007

On further reading:

The following OTK position for disciplining wives is adapted from a method used and recommended by a registered nurse to paddle high school and college aged daughters. It is suggested in this forum because, as experienced husbands and fathers are aware, there is not much difference in paddling a rebellious teenager or her difficult mother. The preliminaries, procedures and product can be quite similar.

All these people need a strong dose of some good old Victorian flogging porn. Whether they know it or not.
posted by jokeefe at 6:08 PM on May 20, 2007

The comparatively smooth transitioning from lecture to punishment positioning eliminates the need to move the wife to the side before bending them over. A towel on the husband's thigh can both alleviate hygienic concerns as well as minimize the effect of unforeseen stress incontinence.
�
Nevertheless, unless the constraints of time are a paramount consideration, as might happen when privacy is scarce and something must be done immediately to correct the state of affairs, it is a good idea to insist a wife to use the restroom before presenting herself for disciplining.

Why do I imagine the author of this piece experiencing a painful, not to be denied arousal while writing this?
posted by jokeefe at 6:18 PM on May 20, 2007

Christ must weep when he sees what sort of shite is done in his name.
posted by five fresh fish at 6:24 PM on May 20, 2007

Head of Household = HOH?
Kind of an unfortunate acronym, I must say.
posted by Dr. Zira at 6:41 PM on May 20, 2007

I used to live across the street from a lady who was married to a fundy who she said spanked her. It was a control thing meant to humiliate her. She was a fundy also with 7 kids and it was so humiliating that she actually divorced him.
posted by Justin Case at 7:35 PM on May 20, 2007

Who Would Jesus Discipline?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 7:39 PM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

From ericb's link:

My husband thinks a maintenance session might help me get back on track. I have neglected my health as of late and have been a bit ill, followed by an exacerbation of fibromyalgia.

Naw, there's nothing twisted about that.
posted by Western Infidels at 7:59 PM on May 20, 2007

If the broom (or broomstick) is an acceptable disciplinary tool, one wonders if John 11:35 has been mistranslated.

Jesus swept.

posted by rob511 at 8:41 PM on May 20, 2007

rob511, wasn't that Jesus Whipped?
posted by quarsan at 9:15 PM on May 20, 2007

I can't believe nobody's done the "turn the other cheek" joke yet.
posted by flabdablet at 9:59 PM on May 20, 2007 [1 favorite]

Why do I imagine the author of this piece experiencing a painful, not to be denied arousal while writing this?
posted by jokeefe at 6:18 PM on May 20

"The impact of this kind of distraction on the woman being disciplined cannot be underestimated. It can be extremely disappointing for a woman to have her punishment or maintenance spanking turn into a lovemaking session, even though she would normally welcome the opportunity to have sex with her husband. It may seem illogical for a woman to be disappointed by the prospect of having her punishment canceled in favor of a lovemaking session. But the purpose of discipline is not sex, even if the couple will eventually make love some time after the woman's punishment."
posted by geos at 10:05 PM on May 20, 2007

How can the problem of sex overtaking the disciplinary process be resolved? The first solution is simply one of awareness. Simply realizing the detrimental effects of prematurely halting a woman's discipline can be enough for the HOH (and perhaps his woman too) to modify his behavior. Some women know that it would be better for them to be properly punished, yet will actively encourage their HOH's sexual attentions, merely to escape the pain of their spanking. This is not behavior that benefits the woman, so she should stop it. This issue is not always entirely the HOH's fault, it must be noted. If an HOH observes that his woman is attempting to use her sexual wiles to distract him from his duty of punishing her for her own good, he should realize that his woman is guilty of disobedience, dishonesty and disrespect. Since her disobedience has taken place during the disciplinary process, she has committed the type of offense that should be dealt with via a firm Disobedience Discipline. It is completely unacceptable for the woman to attempt to undermine the punishment process and her HOH's resolve by attempting to turn the situation from a disciplinary one into a sexual one.

The second solution to this problem is to deal with the issue of sexual arousal. One way of doing this is to simply have more frequent sex. If an HOH has to discipline his woman but has not had the chance to make love to her for some hours/days/weeks/months, he will be more likely to become aroused during the punishment process. Making love more frequently will mean that the woman's naked body will not be a stranger to her HOH. It will mean that his sexual appetites will have been more recently sated. This will free him to punish her more thoroughly, leaving her sobbing and submissive but ultimately deeply happy and fulfilled in her womanhood.

which is why they need the Loving Domestic Discpline Thong
posted by geos at 10:11 PM on May 20, 2007

I have a job where people, on a daily basis, tell me the most intimate, confidential, dysfunctional, twisted little details of their lives. I had never imagined anything like this in my entire life.

Maintenance spanking.

Huh.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 11:12 PM on May 20, 2007

I didn't mean to imply that there is anything wrong with kink. But to say that this is all part of God's plan for me and my wife -- that's just...just... Well, I'm speechless.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 11:27 PM on May 20, 2007

It figures that they'd conjure up lines from Paul in an attempt to justify this.

2000 years ago: "Saul, why do you persecute me?"
Today: "Paul, why do you persecute me?"
posted by kid ichorous at 11:59 PM on May 20, 2007

This is the closest to normal sexuality certain types of Christians could conceivably ever get. And by certain types, I mean LOTS OF churchgoing dittoheads, the kind that used to fill the churches I was dragged to as a child. Jesus fucking Christ how I hated them, and they continue to deserve it.
posted by gorgor_balabala at 12:02 AM on May 21, 2007

Too much creepy.

Ok, spanking. Ok, christianity.
Ok, christians spanking.
Ok, spanking christians. No, that's different, ok, but different.

Ok, christians spanking.

Christians thinking it's anything but spanking. Losing me.
No to little acknowledgment on both sides that it is what it is. Lost me.

Crotchless pantaloons. Ohhh baabyyy, I'm back, I'm back!
posted by From Bklyn at 5:47 AM on May 21, 2007 [1 favorite]

Well, I was going to say that there are no words, but there are. Spousal abuse or mutually-consenting BDSM wrapped in the pages of the New Testament is still spousal abuse or mutually-consenting BDSM, and neither sounds like the kind of Christianity I was taught. Far be it from me to judge since I'm not a parent, but what about the children being raised in such environments?

And why can't I get the word "hypocrisy" out of my head?
posted by fuse theorem at 6:48 AM on May 21, 2007

the old wannabe formal victorian language makes me think this site is a joke.
posted by spacefire at 6:51 AM on May 21, 2007

spacefire, would that were the case. you are lucky to not know the difference.
posted by gorgor_balabala at 9:33 AM on May 21, 2007

What do you expect? They worship a torture device!

Jesus in heaven: So, Paul, couldn't you have found a little more, i don't know, inspirational image for me to be remembered by? I mean, healing the lepers maybe, or raising Lazarus from the dead, or hey maybe the loaves-and-fishes thing. Man, remember that wedding? Good times, good times... Yeah, whenever i check in on a church on earth i see nothing but me writhing in agony. What's up with that?

Paul: J-man, you know i always loved you best. Oh shit, man, i gotta go, Saddam needs to use the only pay phone down here.
posted by Miles Long at 1:37 PM on May 21, 2007

The master must take up not merely the MANTLE of authority, but the ROD of authority.

ROD of authority, eh? ...
posted by yoHighness at 2:12 PM on May 21, 2007

Oh shit, man, i gotta go, Saddam needs to use the only pay phone down here.

Hey Miles, has Jerry the Fat-Fuck shown up yet?
posted by ericb at 2:26 PM on May 21, 2007

I thought about this web site and discussed it with my husband all weekend long. I have many, many more questions than when I started. For example:

How long does the preemptive spanking continue? If she hasn't gone over-budget on her shopping expeditions for two years, do you continue to preemptively spank her before she goes shopping? What's the point of being "good" if you are going to be punished anyway?

And what about illness or other situations? If her mother dies do you still stick to the schedule? What about pregnancy and aftermath?

And my biggest question is, when do you stop? Do you spank her on the same schedule for 50 years until the point that you risk breaking her hip or something?

And peeled ginger in the anus? Really? I thought I knew a lot about kinky sex-- leave it to the fundamentals to know more than I do.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 4:40 PM on May 21, 2007

And peeled ginger in the anus? Really? I thought I knew a lot about kinky sex-- leave it to the fundamentals to know more than I do.

Here's more than you probably want to know about the practice, with links to MUCH more. (Much of the site is NSFW.)
posted by CrunchyFrog at 9:06 PM on May 21, 2007

Some of us like our steak rare, thank you. But I guess they feel the need to burn the Hell out of it.

Which page was the ginger on? I couldn't find that part. Recipes?
posted by Many bubbles at 11:22 PM on May 21, 2007

Also, the steak comparison makes me think of vore. Just sayin'.
posted by Many bubbles at 11:28 PM on May 21, 2007

Figging is a fundie practice?

It astounds me that such people could possibly stray so very, very far from the red-lettered parts of the NT and yet still call themselves Christian.

Figging originates in the Victorian era. It was used on horses at horse auctions. Figging would make a horse more lively and hold its tail better.
No doubt it was more lively. Ginger root up the ass, indeed.
posted by five fresh fish at 4:12 PM on May 22, 2007

Loving Domestic Discipline Blog:

There are many other types of so-called "discipline" that do not really form a part of Loving Domestic Discipline as we know it. This is not to say that they are wrong or bad, but rather to say that they don't fall within the Loving Domestic Discipline definition of Non-Spanking Discipline. These include activities like enemas, figging (inserting a peeled piece of ginger root into a woman's bottom and leaving it there for some time), making her pee in front of her HOH, etc. These fall into a more BDSM approach to discipline rather than a Loving Domestic Discipline approach.

So they don't practice it, they just know about it.

But if you think the spankers are strange, you should read up on this group: The Children of God believe in loving Jesus...I mean really loving Jesus. Here is an excerpt from their booklet Loving Jesus! for Junior Teens:

[To the young teen boys] In your lovemaking with Jesus you are not a man. You are making love to Him as His Bride, His spiritual wife. This is not a male-with-male relationship. It is a spiritual female, you, making love to a male, Jesus. He is the man, the Bridegroom, and you are the woman, His Bride, His wife.

They have a whole page of spicy things you can say to Jesus as you masturbate or have sex with someone else such as:

I crave You, Jesus. I'm hot for You! My legs are spread to receive Your penis! Enter into me! Give me Your seeds.

posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 5:38 PM on May 22, 2007

Secret Life of Gravy, that is so wrong… ok, so we have this omniscient deity, alright… he's personified… ok, I can deal with that… so you're supposed to love him, personally… getting away from many traditions, but ok, if it makes sense to Xtians, it's their religion after all… but now this sect of Christians are supposed to think of themselves as women and scream, "Fill me with Your seeds. Flood me with Your seeds. Explode in me!"

Pretty roundabout way to just admit that you'd like dressing up as a woman and being penetrated. It's ok people!! You don't need the perverted theology for that!!
posted by Firas at 7:08 PM on May 22, 2007 [1 favorite]

C'mon, they eat the flesh and drink the blood of their saviour. Might as well fuck him as well.

Christianity would be a whole lot better without the silliness. The actual red-lettered bits of the NT are a pretty decent bit of philosophy. The tawdry trappings of the religious component, though... ugh!
posted by five fresh fish at 8:07 PM on May 22, 2007

Ohhh, from the blog. Okay. I didn't really look beyond the first page, there.

...Okay, I didn't realize any of the people writing Bible porn were actually Christians. I think I have to share that link with all my friends now.

It also brings the question: can a man get pregnant from Jesus?

Oh! And...
posted by Many bubbles at 3:25 AM on May 23, 2007