That's Hot

June 8, 2007 12:43 PM

TV actress and hotel heiress Paris Hilton, infamous for her inadvertent comedic stylings on reality show "The Simple Life", was ordered to return to serve her incarceration sentence today. The order comes fast on the heels of an evacuation from her correctional facility in Lynwood due to supposed health problems(nsfw).
posted by Stynxno (294 comments total)

Hilton, 26, has also been the subject of a notorious "night-vision" sex video, as well as numerous hacking incidents on her (nsfw) T-Mobile Sidekick™
posted by Stynxno at 12:43 PM on June 8, 2007

ha
posted by zeoslap at 12:45 PM on June 8, 2007

If we ignore her, she'll get bored and go away. Like the Bogeyman.
posted by muddgirl at 12:46 PM on June 8, 2007

it isn't fair, i tell you! i could release a video of me having sex with someone and it would get exactly zero buzz.
posted by bruce at 12:47 PM on June 8, 2007

New York civil rights activist The Rev. Al Sharpton said Hilton?s home confinement 'gives all of the appearances of economic and racial favoritism that is constantly cited by poor people and people of color.'
posted by Stynxno at 12:48 PM on June 8, 2007

NPR reported that the sheriff who released her might be in contempt since her order specifically precluded house arrest/ electronic tracking devices. That's pretty awesome.
posted by boo_radley at 12:49 PM on June 8, 2007

Wow. I had no idea Paris was even in jail. Has this been on the news anywhere? Damned liberal media.
posted by ao4047 at 12:50 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

Oh for fuck's sake. This better be the last Paris post for the next three years or so, Mr. Brittanica.
posted by cortex at 12:50 PM on June 8, 2007 [13 favorites]

Please delete this worthless post, this keystone of the celebrity vomitorum that has been constructed around my life.
posted by four panels at 12:50 PM on June 8, 2007 [3 favorites]

I have flagged this FPP as fantastic.
posted by Prospero at 12:51 PM on June 8, 2007

Having recently started an office job, let me tell you that the latest news on Paris is the hottest gossip around this place.

... and that, in and of itself, is just sad.
posted by Zephyrial at 12:51 PM on June 8, 2007

So that's what's been on the news all morning.

Seriously, I can see a TV from my desk, and this has been the only thing it's been showing since I got in today.

Thank god there isn't anything happening anywhere else in the world.
posted by quin at 12:51 PM on June 8, 2007

go away
posted by Burhanistan at 12:52 PM on June 8, 2007

This Paris person is sounds fascinating and I can't believe I haven't heard about this story in the news.
posted by 2sheets at 12:52 PM on June 8, 2007 [2 favorites]

She must have as much money as OJ, whats with the jail time?
posted by Liquidwolf at 12:52 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

NPR reported that the sheriff who released her might be in contempt since her order specifically precluded house arrest/ electronic tracking devices.

No kidding! Lee Baca, you got some 'splaining to do!
posted by maryh at 12:53 PM on June 8, 2007

see...HERE is a post that could have included the word "fuck" about a million times, and didn't...

can't any of you get this straight?
posted by HuronBob at 12:54 PM on June 8, 2007 [3 favorites]

NOOOOOO! NO NO NOOOOOO!
posted by bh at 12:54 PM on June 8, 2007

cortex, you're here, yet you're letting this live??!

Please, please delete. Just because this post has more links than the typical celebnewsfilter doesn't mean it should stay here.
posted by serazin at 12:55 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

On Paris Hilton... a more reasonable opinion.
posted by GuyZero at 12:55 PM on June 8, 2007 [5 favorites]

man and i was considering a metatalk thread congratulating the MeFi community on making it through this without a single Paris FPP. BALLS!
posted by spicynuts at 12:55 PM on June 8, 2007

You know what. I flagged this as a shit post, then clicked on the last link. I'm so, so sorry.
posted by phaedon at 12:55 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

Please delete this worthless post, this keystone of the celebrity vomitorum that has been constructed around my life.

The mods might as well leave this one up, or they'll be playing "whack-a-Paris" every 15 minutes.

I'm not sure on which level this story disgusts me most -- there are so many to choose from, including our society's fascination with celebrity, the media's complete abandonment of anything approximating public interest, and the rank clusterbleep that is the justice system. But deep down, I'm afraid that what disgusts me most is that I actually find myself following this story.
posted by pardonyou? at 12:56 PM on June 8, 2007 [3 favorites]

What a world we live in. Paris is getting more media attention today than other more important stories. Hmmm ... guess something's going on with the Joint Chiefs of Staff leadership...or something.
posted by ericb at 12:57 PM on June 8, 2007

Also, though Stynxno provided the extensive, well-researched linkage that is the hallmark of the very best Metafilter posts, he somehow forgot to include a link to Is Paris In Jail Right Now. We'll let that pass, though.
posted by Prospero at 12:59 PM on June 8, 2007

It's almost worth it for the wikipedia entry that clinically breaks down the "plot" of One Night in Paris and ends with the wonderful bookish deadpan:

Salomon ejaculates on her breasts to end the film.[citation needed]

Not normally a fan of teh wikipedias, but someone there either has a great sense of humor or no sense of humor AT ALL (it's hard to say which one would be funnier).
posted by kittens for breakfast at 12:59 PM on June 8, 2007 [12 favorites]

The one constant through all the years, Metafilter, has been Paris Hilton. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But Paris Hilton has marked the time. This actress, her shows, are a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again. Oh, people will come. People will most definitely come.
posted by brownpau at 1:00 PM on June 8, 2007 [7 favorites]

Stinky.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 1:00 PM on June 8, 2007

You're just fucking with the admins, right?
posted by mds35 at 1:02 PM on June 8, 2007

man and i was considering a metatalk thread congratulating the MeFi community on making it through this without a single Paris FPP. BALLS!

Two have already been deleted actually. Here's hoping for a trifecta.
posted by puke & cry at 1:03 PM on June 8, 2007

Styxno, that Wikipedia article gives new meaning to the phrase "blow-by-blow account."

At some point in the future when Ms. Hilton's looks and, presumably, popularity will have faded, maybe somebody will have mustered the nerve to mention to her Socrates' famous aphorism "The unexamined life is not worth living." I wonder if that'll set off any alarm bells? For her sake I'd like to think so, but I doubt she's equipped to deal with that sort of challenge.
posted by pax digita at 1:04 PM on June 8, 2007

kittens for breakfast, the Wikipedia entry is cracking me up too! Especially the opening:

This article is about Paris Hilton's sex tape. For the French concert film, see One Night in Paris.

Poor Depeche Mode, though.
posted by lalex at 1:04 PM on June 8, 2007

Oh do let it stay, cortex!

(Though I extremely wish the last time I voted in favor of an FPP lingering - it wasn't the one about Keef snorting his dad!)
posted by Jody Tresidder at 1:05 PM on June 8, 2007

It's just a little boo-boo...
posted by taosbat at 1:06 PM on June 8, 2007

Ann Coulter on Fox News talking Paris. I live for this.
posted by phaedon at 1:06 PM on June 8, 2007

The mods might as well leave this one up, or they'll be playing "whack-a-Paris" every 15 minutes.

Yeah, that's pretty much the plan. At least this way we can keep all the gossipgasm in one place, and have something to point to when we axe the inevitable followups.

Plus Stynxno was doing that puppy dog eyes thing in when I was hollering at him in IRC, and that just gets me every time. He just wants to be loved.
posted by cortex at 1:07 PM on June 8, 2007 [2 favorites]

Where's the firefox extension that allows us to countdown the time to Paris's release?
posted by drezdn at 1:07 PM on June 8, 2007

The mods might as well leave this one up, or they'll be playing "whack-a-Paris" every 15 minutes.

Exactly. It stays.
posted by jessamyn at 1:08 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

BLARRRGH.
posted by BobFrapples at 1:09 PM on June 8, 2007

The wikipedia article on the sex tape is top shelf.

The House of Wax clip is also great.

The simple life clips aren't -- Just reminds me I wouldn't have her into my house.

At some point in the future when Ms. Hilton's looks and, presumably, popularity will have faded...

Really? I thought the only redeeming thing about the media attention on her is just how unattractive she is in appearance. Right? That's why we care? Right? Uh.
posted by These Premises Are Alarmed at 1:09 PM on June 8, 2007

There's nothing funnier than seeing Ann Coulter accusing somebody else of being a media whore.
posted by phaedon at 1:11 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

I heard 15 Paris Hiltons died in Baghdad today after an IED explosion.
posted by xmutex at 1:12 PM on June 8, 2007 [3 favorites]

"The mods might as well leave this one up, or they'll be playing "whack-a-Paris" every 15 minutes."


Doesn't everyone?
posted by stenseng at 1:13 PM on June 8, 2007

Does anyone know where I can buy a magnetic ribbon for my car that says "Support Paris Hilton"?
posted by peeedro at 1:14 PM on June 8, 2007

Also, Whack-A-Paris sounds like a good Flash Friday game.
posted by These Premises Are Alarmed at 1:15 PM on June 8, 2007

I was thinking this morning that I might be willing to serve Hilton's prison time for her if the media can guarantee that none of us will ever, ever, ever, ever, ever have to see a picture of that sad girl, or hear anything about her horribly fucked-up life, ever again.

That would have to include MetaFilter posts.
posted by mmahaffie at 1:17 PM on June 8, 2007

at least 400 comments ahead...
posted by Burhanistan at 1:18 PM on June 8, 2007

I can only assume the sheriff got a bribe larger than his salary for the next 25 years. I expect his retirement soon, before an investigation can take place.

I've not followed this much at all, but from what I heard, he let her go home because she "wasn't eating most of the food they gave her"?

Is this for real? Is all you have to do when you go to jail refuse to eat the mac 'n cheese and you get out?

None of this has made any sense to me, at all, from the very beginning.

And she is fantastically ugly, although the billions of dollars could make me tolerate her, for a while at least. Her sister is actually much more attractive, and still a long ways from "pretty". Does her sister shun the limelight, or is she just stuck in the shadow of Paris and her size 11 5" heels that make her about 6'7"?

I wonder if Paris has had any plastic surgery? It's weird seeing someone so rich be so unattractive, despite obvious heavy effort to the contrary, wearing designer everything from head to toe.

She's famous basically for being famous. What a gig.
posted by Ynoxas at 1:18 PM on June 8, 2007

Flagged as noise.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:19 PM on June 8, 2007

The problem with this thing, is that even the people who decry or even analyze all the attention it is getting are doing exactly what they're purporting to be against. So, everyone loses, especially the subject in question. Except for maybe Iblis, who enjoys a steady meal of misplaced attention.
posted by Burhanistan at 1:21 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

Paris Hilton died for your sins.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 1:21 PM on June 8, 2007

I heard 15 Paris Hiltons died in Baghdad today after an IED explosion.

I heard IUD...
posted by Krrrlson at 1:22 PM on June 8, 2007 [4 favorites]

And this is how Paris Hilton would look if she was real.
posted by Sailormom at 1:22 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

Instead of wasting a perfectly good Askmeta post, it occurs to me this would be a perfect place to ask-what POSSIBLE medical condition could someone have that would permit them to get out of jail (if not free, then at least back home with an ankle bracelet?)

Legitimately, I mean?
posted by konolia at 1:24 PM on June 8, 2007

In a perfect world Hilton will get so upset about what Coulter said about her that she will decide to murder her. The plan to run her off the road will go amiss when Kevin Federline unexpectedly steps in the road in front of them, causing Paris to panic, and all three are killed when they plummet off of a cliff. And explode.

I wonder how much news that would get.
posted by quin at 1:24 PM on June 8, 2007 [4 favorites]

Can we at least concede that this is more relevant than the usual Paris gossip? This, at least, is a commentary on how the U.S. justice system deals with celebrities and whether everyone's getting fair and equal treatment.

That said, if missing this commentary meant I never had to read about her again, I think I'd be okay with that.
posted by Riki tiki at 1:25 PM on June 8, 2007 [2 favorites]

Flagged as faptastic.
posted by Floydd at 1:25 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

Here is an interesting question: How long before it is ok to name your daughter Paris?

One view, the riskier with bigger upside view, is that you have to do it right now. By doing it now, you're betting that by the time your kid is sentient, Paris Hilton's window of relevance will be closing, but the memory of her horribleness will keep other parents from naming their daughters Paris, leaving you with the only kid named Paris, and later, the only adult named Paris among her peers---a worthy goal. Should you fail, however, and should, God forbid, your reasoning come to light, the shame will be unbearable.

Alternatively, you could wait and see, risking a Parisian resurgence and having a "Jennifer" or "Rachel" situation on your hands.

These are serious concerns, and a happy medium is by no means achievable.
posted by kosem at 1:26 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

Inside the Courtroom
posted by Stynxno at 1:27 PM on June 8, 2007

Could be worse. Could be a one-link FPP.
posted by infinitywaltz at 1:27 PM on June 8, 2007

Paris Hilton is in the arena and we're just peasants, cheering as the lions tear her to pieces. Because as bad as our life is, we can point to Paris and say "Thank god I'm not in that idiots shoes!", thus making our credit card debt, late bills, secret affairs, drinking/drug problems and shitty job seem so much better. Thank you, Paris, for your unwitting sacrifice and making the rest of us shine a little brighter.

Anyone know who's up after Paris? I've had a bad day and could use some cheering up...
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:27 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

In the Glorious New Regime, agents of the dreaded Special Division will roam the streets, and anyone who utters the words "Paris Hilton" (for any reason whatsoever) will be at risk of being executed on the spot, their body left on the sidewalk as a warning to others.

Ms. Hilton herself will be dragged screaming to serve out the remainder of her short life in the stygian depths of my Antarctic copper smelting facilities*

*you have no idea how expensive it is to ship copper ore to Antarctica simply for the sake of terrorizing political prisoners. Seriously. You folks had better appreciate these brutal facilities, because they're pricey as all hell.
posted by aramaic at 1:27 PM on June 8, 2007 [2 favorites]

:fingers the aether:

It feels dumb in here lately.
posted by fleetmouse at 1:30 PM on June 8, 2007

i am reveling in the delicious irony of the fact that jail is offering Miss Paris a chance to live The Simple Life at it's simplest.
posted by fellene at 1:32 PM on June 8, 2007

Someone upthread asked if she's ever had plastic surgery. The answer is "extensive".
posted by puke & cry at 1:35 PM on June 8, 2007

At least they have wifi.
posted by Paris Hilton at 1:35 PM on June 8, 2007 [6 favorites]

Ynoxas: And she is fantastically ugly

That's just silly. In the line up of all the people in world, she would not be at the ugly end of the line, much less in the fantastically ugly section.
posted by found missing at 1:35 PM on June 8, 2007

:fingers the aether:

It feels dumb in here lately.

That wasn't in the video.
posted by cog_nate at 1:35 PM on June 8, 2007

Paris Hilton Will Have Her Revenge on Los Angeles
posted by StarForce5 at 1:36 PM on June 8, 2007 [2 favorites]

Ynoxas writes "And she is fantastically ugly, although the billions of dollars could make me tolerate her, for a while at least."

You're waaaaay overestimating her net worth. I doubt she's worth more than $50 million. Chickenfeed, really.

I actually find the criminal-justice angle on this story pretty fascinating. Al Sharpton hit the nail on the head, which is something I don't say too often. Really, it's egregious.

kosem writes "Here is an interesting question: How long before it is ok to name your daughter Paris?"

Why would I give my daughter a boys' name? It's like naming a boy "Helen".
posted by mr_roboto at 1:37 PM on June 8, 2007

She's kind of adorable when she cries!
posted by The Straightener at 1:38 PM on June 8, 2007

“Exactly. It stays.”

Why don't you just do your jobs and delete the fucking things. The post has been flagged many times, none of you admins like it, a great many mefites hate it—but you leave it up because you can't be bothered to delete new Paris posts as they arrive. Because deleting a post is time-intensive? It's real hard work?

So MeFi is Entertainment Tonight. Is cortex John Tesh?
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 1:38 PM on June 8, 2007 [5 favorites]

THANK GOD JSTICE IS SERVERD!!1! U.S.A! U.S.A!
posted by chunking express at 1:39 PM on June 8, 2007

Ynoxas writes "She's famous basically for being famous. What a gig."

That is what celebrity is ALL about, it is always primarily self referential and self sustaining.

Yet not even celebrity can *GASP* violate physics : the fuel of celebrities is attention and it is a finite resource. Therefore if you allocate fuel to Paris, it MUST be subtracted from something else, like for instance why the hell we are going back to victorian age economy of exploitation, why terrorism isn't a problem, but your pension really could be.

What's troubling to me isn't Paris at all, who's just overacting or maybe overreacting. The problem is : why the fuck are we flooded with Lowest Common Denominator gossip, or at best outrageism like "the price of fuel, why didn't it drop 0.005 cents ! News at 11 ! The fuel, does it vibrate ? "
posted by elpapacito at 1:40 PM on June 8, 2007 [2 favorites]

Yes, keep deleting them as they come up. If you do your part to quash this menace, it just may have a positive ripple effect on the rest of the internet and MSM and soon everyone will just be ignoring it. It will be a glorious step forward for humankind. You know you have the power for change. Delete this damn post and all like it until the world is changed!
posted by Burhanistan at 1:41 PM on June 8, 2007

Because deleting a post is time-intensive? It's real hard work?

You want a refund or something?
posted by Paris Hilton at 1:42 PM on June 8, 2007

Oh, and your favorite sex-video star sucks.
posted by found missing at 1:42 PM on June 8, 2007

Moderators: delete this thread and temporarily place a warning at the top of the new post form saying that threads even tangentially related to Paris Hilton will be deleted and their posters banned for a week. Make it a big blinking animated gif.

Heads need to be smashed in.
posted by fleetmouse at 1:43 PM on June 8, 2007 [2 favorites]

Delete this damn post and all like it until the world is changed!

You know darn well that can't happen until we begin the Great Reaping, and wipe out most of humanity in an orgy of unnecessarily-mechanized terror.
posted by aramaic at 1:43 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

:fingers the aether:

It feels dumb in here lately.

There is nothing more helpless and irresponsible than a thread in the depths of this particular sort of ether binge.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 1:46 PM on June 8, 2007

God, I would kill every man in this room for a drop of sweet sweet ether.
posted by aramaic at 1:48 PM on June 8, 2007

You know darn well that can't happen until we begin the Great Reaping, and wipe out most of humanity in an orgy of unnecessarily-mechanized terror.

I prefer manual terror with old-world values of quality and craftsmanship.
posted by fleetmouse at 1:48 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

Why don't you just do your jobs and delete the fucking things.

Oh yeah, NOW they're gonna delete it for sure.
posted by Krrrlson at 1:48 PM on June 8, 2007 [2 favorites]

Why would a heiress, an eight-foot tall heiress, want to live in prison, with a bunch of two-foot tall crooks? That does not make sense! If Paris lives in prison, you must acquit! The defense rests.
posted by soundofsuburbia at 1:48 PM on June 8, 2007

Obligatory Paris in jail flash game.
posted by onlyconnect at 1:49 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

Thank you for this.
posted by hermitosis at 1:49 PM on June 8, 2007

(the post, not necessarily the game.)
posted by hermitosis at 1:49 PM on June 8, 2007

Why don't you just do your jobs and delete the fucking things. The post has been flagged many times, none of you admins like it, a great many mefites hate it—but you leave it up because you can't be bothered to delete new Paris posts as they arrive. Because deleting a post is time-intensive? It's real hard work?

Doing our jobs is deciding whether to delete the fucking things. If we just deleted things we don't like, the front page'd be pretty empty some days. Probably better to Metatalk this if you want to really hash it out.

And that John Tesh thing is just beyond the pale, buddy.
posted by cortex at 1:50 PM on June 8, 2007

I still can't believe they have a jail for ENTIRE HOTELS!!!!
posted by ORthey at 1:50 PM on June 8, 2007 [7 favorites]

fleetmouse: I suggest we join forces, and follow the latest trend -- unnecessarily mechanized terror created with antiquated victorian technologies and needless craftsmanship!

...I'm thinking along the lines of a mobile beheading robot made out of brass, scrimshaw, and finest mahogany. Steam-powered by the flaming heads of our enemies, of course.
posted by aramaic at 1:51 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

And that John Tesh thing is just beyond the pale, buddy.

John Tesh is really nice. My parents' neighbor has drummed for him a bunch of times and says he's really down to earth and pretty much an all around good guy and really great to work for.

I know that's pretty tangential to the discussion at hand, but come on, Paris Hilton post.
posted by infinitywaltz at 1:53 PM on June 8, 2007

Does anyone know where I can buy a magnetic ribbon for my car that says "Support Paris Hilton"?

Here you go.
posted by phaedon at 1:53 PM on June 8, 2007

Check out this story from 2006 about LA's quirky "Sheriff Moonbeam." Here's a hint.

Anyone want to bet that her release by the sheriff was a recruitment ploy?
posted by BeerFilter at 1:53 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

Damn. I was gonna come in here and be all, "I'm so above all this," and like say it degrades the site and GYOBFW and where's the moderators, point out how caring about a celebrity freakshow for even one lazy Friday afternoon is just like the end of civilization and anyone who gives this even a moment's thought has no sense of perspective on what matters in life, maybe even toss in a reference to John Tesh. Let everyone know I'm the most sophistimicated mofo in this whole damn online discussion forum, you know?

Guess I waited too long.
posted by gompa at 1:55 PM on June 8, 2007 [2 favorites]

delete this thread and temporarily place a warning at the top of the new post form saying that threads even tangentially related to Paris Hilton will be deleted and their posters banned for a week.

Dude, it's just Paris Hilton. You can ignore her if you want to. If you want to read Metafilter with little or no Paris Hilton, may I suggest signing up for the Mefi Tagging Posse, which helps put tags on older, untagged posts. Lots of interesting stuff and you get karma points.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:58 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

I hear riots have broken out in Beverly Hills in the wake of this latest injustice. Pool cabanas have been lit on fire!Heirs and heiresses have taken to the streets, threatening bystanders with diamond studded letter openers! Cocktails are being hurled at police! Oh the humanity!

And from her prison cell, a teary Paris Hilton just pleaded for calm, asking whether we couldn't "all just get along."
posted by pardonyou? at 1:58 PM on June 8, 2007 [2 favorites]

Is this for real? Is all you have to do when you go to jail refuse to eat the mac 'n cheese and you get out?

PARIS HILTON IS BOBBY SANDS FOR THE 21ST CENTURY.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 2:00 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

just like the end of civilization

You say that like it's a bad thing. I suggest you reconsider your stance on the matter; there's nothing more beautiful than an utterly empty, silent city.
posted by aramaic at 2:01 PM on June 8, 2007

Hilton left the courtroom in tears, screaming, "Mom, Mom, Mom." Hilton was also heard saying "It's not right."

Huh. Maybe she was referring to Darfur?
posted by Peter H at 2:02 PM on June 8, 2007 [7 favorites]

Have I been missing all these Paris Hilton threads? I only see this one.
posted by Artw at 2:02 PM on June 8, 2007

I would argue that this is, in fact, important. Not as important as Darfur or Iraq (and thanks, GuyZero, for this excellent link), but important anyways.

First, it was important because it was another sign of how the rich and famous appear to get special treatment.

Second, because it appears to be a sign that, no, the rich actually have to serve their time just like everybody else.

But that isn't the real reason it is important, because we see these same stories playing out again and again. O.J. Simpson escapes justice, James Brown goes to jail. Ken Lay dies before he faces time, Scooter Libby gets sentenced to over two years and may get out of it yet, Marion Barry does time and gets re-elected anyways.

This is one of our favorite national narratives and, in so much as we as a culture like to watch the same stories again and again and again with new characters and new twists (hence the popularity of, oh, just about all our popular TV shows). This is not a new thing - sensational trials have always been hot news.

What is important about this is that this one is a major line blurring between fantasy and reality. Hilton is a fabricated being. Both her personality and her body are inventions.

Reality TV and poorly filmed porn have made her a familiar figure, but she is playing a character - a heightened version of who she probably really is. She seems to be fully aware that she's made herself a symbol of vacuous wealth and has been using that notoriety to create a unique kind of manufactured fame.

When we watch this trial, we are watching the next chapter in a real life 'Truman Show." Her existence on 'The Simple Life' cannot be separated from her sobbing for her mother and being dragged back off to jail. Her life, while indisputably real for her, has the same effect on many people as fictional entertainment because she has allowed it to be so .

Anyhow, there is a cautionary tale in her life (and Anna Nicole Smith's life) and that is the price of purchased fame is that rather than just being viewed as laughable and foolish by those who know you well, you will be viewed as laughable and foolish by the entire world, even when you are experiencing personal nightmares.
posted by Joey Michaels at 2:03 PM on June 8, 2007 [28 favorites]

PARIS HILTON IS BOBBY SANDS FOR THE 21ST CENTURY.

K, I actually find that offensive...
posted by pupdog at 2:03 PM on June 8, 2007

Not about Paris specifically, but this LA Times feature about papparazzi is a creepy look into the odd business making billions off images of celebutards.
posted by maryh at 2:04 PM on June 8, 2007

FREE LEONARD PELTIER PARIS!
posted by YoBananaBoy at 2:04 PM on June 8, 2007

Scrimshaw, aramaic? So this thing is going to be made partly of marine mammals? I am so down with that. Feed the first head into Hector's thorax and let the steamgore commence!
posted by fleetmouse at 2:04 PM on June 8, 2007 [2 favorites]

Feed the first head into Hector's thorax and let the steamgore commence!

No idea what that means (who's Hector, anyway), but it's my favorite thing I've read on Metafilter today.

Metafilter: let the steamgore commence!
posted by infinitywaltz at 2:06 PM on June 8, 2007

This is the best of the web and all you nay sayers can kind of like the feeling a cock in your mouths for all I care.
posted by cellphone at 2:06 PM on June 8, 2007 [6 favorites]

Who?
posted by jim.christian at 2:09 PM on June 8, 2007

Second, because it appears to be a sign that, no, the rich actually have to serve their time just like everybody else.


hahahahahhahahahhaaha. Good one!

For the sounds of it, Paris simply got the wrong judge.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:09 PM on June 8, 2007

The really, really sad part is that she probably won't learn anything from this, and she will most likely be arrested again. I would wager during the next five years. And then - all things considered - she'll probably go to jail for a year. And that's going to be really, really awful for her. A month is manageable. But I think a year might actually break her as a person. She's pretty vacuous to begin with.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 2:11 PM on June 8, 2007

My only option at this point was to post an FPP about the iPhone.
posted by strangeleftydoublethink at 2:13 PM on June 8, 2007

Baby_Balrog: The really, really sad part is that she probably won't learn anything from this, and she will most likely be arrested again

One imagines that the next thing she is going to be arrested for could possibly be bribery, if, in fact, the Hilton family and the sheriff's department colluded to release her.

That being said, there is (at the moment) no direct evidence that suggests this happened, though the popular narrative will insist this is the case.

If it does turn out to be the case, California can show that it is serious about holding the wealthy to the same standard as justice as the poor by prosecuting everyone involved to the fullest extent of the law. I would imagine this would result in the elder Mrs. Hilton facing some jail time as well.

This, is, of course, all speculation. It is also possible that the sherrif's department does this all the time. I don't follow most traffic related criminal cases in California, so I have no idea.
posted by Joey Michaels at 2:15 PM on June 8, 2007

If they had summarily executed the skanky bitch by fellatory asphyxiation, that would have been newsworthy enough (just barely) to justify a NewsFilter post.

Well, if it had been a single YouTube link post.

“This is the best of the web and all you nay sayers can kind of like the feeling a cock in your mouths for all I care.”

What if we already do? Does that mean it's okay then to protest this tarry, blood-streaked and flatworm-ridden loose stool in the truck-stop toilet quality post? 'Cause I appreciate that particular wording, if so. It's convenient for me.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 2:15 PM on June 8, 2007

I heard this elsewhere but my favorite line yesterday (inbetween jail sentences) was "Paris Hilton is loose? This is news?"
posted by Peter H at 2:16 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

Wait. Apple are making an iPod phone?


...Can I get "1 Night in Paris" on it?
posted by jim.christian at 2:16 PM on June 8, 2007

If ikkyu2, gramcracker, or any other Metafilter doctors are around, what organ of the body is schadenfreude stored in? I think I just ruptured mine.
posted by infinitywaltz at 2:16 PM on June 8, 2007 [7 favorites]

Baby_Balrog, I doubt she'll need the full five years. She seems to feel that she's entitled to drive, no matter what, I don't see this changing her any.

Our only hope as a society is that this time behind bars might turn her into an authority-hating, anti-government anarchist.

Finally, the Revolution has a figurehead!
posted by pupdog at 2:17 PM on June 8, 2007

I like threads like these. It allows us to examine the whole bread and circuses thing out in the open, and how a bunch of bux means justice for you is different than justice for the rest of us. Hell, if you're rich or powerful enough, you can shoot a friend in the face and end up with an apology from them rather than prosecution and punishment.

Paris has done a pretty good job parlaying normal heirdom into a cash machine. Probably not impossible to do when you're young, attractive and willing to shock, but still, it shows some business sense.

(What's with berating the beauty of obviously attractive female celebrities? Paris isn't my type but she's not ugly, and judging from the hacked pictures has lovely breasts and a nice body as well. To claim she's physically ugly is just being willfully obtuse. Now if you're claiming she's not a beautiful person, including her "soul", well, that's a different question...)
posted by maxwelton at 2:21 PM on June 8, 2007

(also, just to make my snarky comment, they released her after three days because they were calculating her sentence in dog years)
posted by Joey Michaels at 2:22 PM on June 8, 2007

Paris Hilton.
posted by user92371 at 2:25 PM on June 8, 2007

Joey,

The "public persona" is all good and well, until the line starts to blur. It's hard for someone to keep living the larger than life, famous-for-being outrageous schtick forever. Anna Nicole Smith is one example, but then again, so is Hunter S. Thompson.
posted by wuwei at 2:26 PM on June 8, 2007

What's with berating the beauty of obviously attractive female celebrities?

Beauty & ugliness are irrelevant. The only criteria by which someone may be judged is the number of BTUs that can be extracted by the head-furnace.
posted by aramaic at 2:26 PM on June 8, 2007 [5 favorites]

The only criteria by which someone may be judged is the number of BTUs that can be extracted by the head-furnace.

B'siyata d'tabuna eshta.
posted by kosem at 2:34 PM on June 8, 2007

criterion
posted by found missing at 2:37 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

I have to wonder if being sent back to jail might not work out better for her. Anyone know if the penalty for violating home confinement would have been worse than the original judgement? Given her repeated behavior that put her in this situation, I just don't see her having the self-control to stay at home, sober, without being under the thumb of a drill sarge with spanking authority, for 5 days, much less 45....
posted by nomisxid at 2:40 PM on June 8, 2007

She's fighting for your freedom.
posted by sveskemus at 2:40 PM on June 8, 2007

What? Paris Hilton is physically ugly. I'm not being willful obtuse. She has an oversized head with a tiny horse face bobbing on top of a matchstick body with awkward limbs. Her hair (is that a wig?) looks somehow fried to a crisp and greasy at the same time.

Whenever possible, when photographed, she strikes a particular pose that makes her look like a vapid octopus as well.

Yeah, she's ugly. She's uglier than most B-list celebs.

Believe me, I'm no prize. My point was that she's able to keep her fame up in spite of that.

...

And I've always wondered, why don't these people hire drivers?
posted by These Premises Are Alarmed at 2:40 PM on June 8, 2007 [2 favorites]

How long before someone gets around to starting an LOLPARIS site? Canihasmacncheez.com?
posted by davejay at 2:41 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

Also:

posted by These Premises Are Alarmed

At first glance, your name reads slightly different, and far more relevant to this discussion thread.
posted by davejay at 2:42 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

or at least my personal reaction to Paris
posted by davejay at 2:43 PM on June 8, 2007

"The mods might as well leave this one up, or they'll be playing "whack-a-Paris" every 15 minutes."

Heh.
posted by ZachsMind at 2:46 PM on June 8, 2007

I love, love, love Paris Hilton. She is a perfect reflection of our worship of celebrity, money, and beauty. Her celebrity was created by those very people who hate her for having celebrity, and her supposed shallowness and silliness are merely their own in a cultural mirror, given the time and energy they put into despising her.

It puts a smile in my heart to see someone reading a tabloid or watching 'entertainment tonight' and yet talking about how ridiculous Paris Hilton is.

Just as I have come to believe that the U.S. actually deserves that catastrophe called George Bush, I know that we deserve Paris Hilton and all her adventures. I wish her the best, and after this brief setback I hope to see her Zoolander-ish smile plastered everywhere when she starts living it up again, and she can just tell them all to suck it.

Paris, this Troy will never abandon you!
posted by troybob at 2:50 PM on June 8, 2007 [2 favorites]

What's with berating the beauty of obviously attractive female celebrities?

misogyny, pure and simple
posted by found missing at 2:51 PM on June 8, 2007

davejay: "they be takin' mah daypazz! ohnoooooo".
posted by boo_radley at 2:52 PM on June 8, 2007

S'wounds! ye art still about Perrers? That wench stripped the rings off Edward III’s own hands after she had that bastard by him. That fustalarion was yet bride to Sir William de Windsor whilst bedding the Black Prince. Verily she’d forswear the court proceedings for her fair fellows or indeed “faire” fellows (miscreants who paid her a toll) so they banished her. Erelong John of Gaunt the Duke of Lancaster restored her. Parliment had not long removed her banishment yet again, God’s teeth, she tries to purloin justice. Again gets banished, and again, two years later forsooth, ‘tis removed. She spends her lot in lawsuit after lawsuit. Ah, someone should stripe that wench’s backside with a belt.
Truly conceit and an aspiring mind is like the crocodile which is ever growing as long as he liveth.
Fie ‘pon it all.
D’ye know how many died of the black plague this eve? How goeth the wars with France?
posted by Smedleyman at 2:53 PM on June 8, 2007 [5 favorites]

I don't understand why some people find Hilton physically attractive. She's always reminded me of the cloner aliens from Attack of the Clones.
posted by brundlefly at 2:55 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

How long before someone gets around to starting an LOLPARIS site? Canihasmacncheez.com?

Someone's got a good start at it....
posted by Dr. Zira at 2:55 PM on June 8, 2007

I have no problem with the post, except that youtube video at the end was really in poor taste, sort of misogynistic. I think this punishment will be good for her, and there is a story in what the Sheriff did, but the death video was uncalled for, even for Paris Hilton.
posted by caddis at 2:58 PM on June 8, 2007

Well, this has nothing to do with the topic at hand but for some reason I think this is the appropriate place to put it. "May I fart in your mouth?"
posted by puke & cry at 3:03 PM on June 8, 2007

konolia: Instead of wasting a perfectly good Askmeta post, it occurs to me this would be a perfect place to ask-what POSSIBLE medical condition could someone have that would permit them to get out of jail (if not free, then at least back home with an ankle bracelet?) Legitimately, I mean?

None that I can think of. There's hospital or clinic sections in some (most?) jails, inmates can be transported in custody to actual hospitals if need be, or be transferred to secure treatment facilities.

I think her "medical condition" and "nervous breakdown", if there was indeed one, consisted of her having a bit of a panic attack over being bored, knowing she'd be bored for the rest of her sentence, and not being able to do anything about it.
posted by CKmtl at 3:04 PM on June 8, 2007

"May I fart in your mouth?"
posted by puke & cry at 3:03

Eponysterical!
posted by infinitywaltz at 3:04 PM on June 8, 2007 [2 favorites]

Plz sign the petition to request the honorable Gov. Schwartzawhatever to pardon Paris Hilton.

FREE PARIS HILTON.

kthxbi
posted by Tacodog at 3:05 PM on June 8, 2007

The flags, they do nothing!
posted by LarryC at 3:05 PM on June 8, 2007 [2 favorites]

Someone had to post this, if for nothing else to see her crying and helpless like the spoiled little girl she is. "Mommy?"

Also, JR has some 'splaining to do when he gets home! First frame-top left, looks much like one of my innocent children. I hope he was "safe", I hear she has herpes.
posted by snsranch at 3:06 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

BLARRRGH.
posted by BobFrapples at 3:09 PM on June 8 [+] [!]


Proper spelling of that word is actually "bleargh," but why split hairs?

FREE WILLY
FREE WINONA
FREE CHONG
FREE PARIS!
posted by ZachsMind at 3:08 PM on June 8, 2007

I like the heinous ass herpes theory.
posted by mckenney at 3:09 PM on June 8, 2007

If the FPP fits, you must acquit!
posted by blue_beetle at 3:11 PM on June 8, 2007

Argh. I might have gone until the end of the day and happily missed knowing this had happened. But then I saw a Paris Hilton post with 100+ comments... and it was like Pandora's box.

This made me laugh though. That is dedication to a punchline.
posted by Tehanu at 3:18 PM on June 8, 2007

How to make a Schadenfreude Pie.
posted by jokeefe at 3:31 PM on June 8, 2007

"What's with berating the beauty of obviously attractive female celebrities?"

Beauty is in the eye of the inheritance.
posted by ZachsMind at 3:36 PM on June 8, 2007

konolia: Instead of wasting a perfectly good Askmeta post, it occurs to me this would be a perfect place to ask-what POSSIBLE medical condition could someone have that would permit them to get out of jail (if not free, then at least back home with an ankle bracelet?) Legitimately, I mean?

OK, beware as this info is a FOAFOAFarker, but in the fark thread, there was this gem:

My friend's brother (who works with [Sheriff Lee] Baca's assistant sheriffs) told me that Paris was released due to a severe, "stress-induced" herpes outbreak. He also said that he heard that the blisters had apparently spread to her anus and had taken on abcess-like features that required more serious medical attention. Thus, after taking into account jail overcrowding, the increasing liability that Paris presents, and Paris's lesions, all things weighed in favor of her being put on home confinement.

I'll leave it to you to judge the truth.
posted by Mach5 at 3:40 PM on June 8, 2007

It's about time that skank got her cum-uppance. Can y'all go back to talking about us now?
posted by Britney's Nipples at 3:42 PM on June 8, 2007

I'll leave it to you to judge the truth.

Heaven help me, that actually makes some sense.
posted by konolia at 3:43 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

Funny thing is that Paris Hilton actually threatened to sue a friend of mine last month for implying she has crabs. So I'm thinking that lawsuit is probably not high on Paris' priority list anymore. Especially since the little buggers can keep her company in solitary confinement so they might just come in handy.
posted by miss lynnster at 3:43 PM on June 8, 2007

I hate Paris as much as the next guy, but she's not being given special treatment for being a celebrity. She is going to be spending far more time in jail than a non-celebrity who was convicted of the same crime.

The jails here in LA are so crowded that you don't spend time in jail for lesser offenses like this.
posted by Justinian at 3:43 PM on June 8, 2007

"Is cortex John Tesh?"

I know John Tesh. John Tesh is a friend of mine. cortex, sir, is no John Tesh.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 3:46 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

Speak of the devil; MSNBC is talking about this right now.

Paris sucks, but she's being badly shafted for being Paris.
posted by Justinian at 3:47 PM on June 8, 2007

Cortex doesn't think Nick Ut is worthy of an FPP, but I do. Anyway, here's a shocking bit of trivia - the same guy who took THIS PHOTO, one of the world's saddest, is the same guy who shot this ubiquitous shot, one of today's saddest.
posted by Kraftmatic Adjustable Cheese at 3:49 PM on June 8, 2007 [2 favorites]

Shocking trivia is a nice oxymoron.
posted by found missing at 3:53 PM on June 8, 2007

I don't think wasting a Nick Ut post on a LOL PARIS joke is a great idea, is what I don't think. If you care about the guy's work, crippling a post about it with such a vapid (and, under the circumstances, baiting) context doesn't seem like a great move. Try again in a couple days, maybe?
posted by cortex at 3:53 PM on June 8, 2007

PARIS HILTON WILL NOT REST UNTIL THE REAL DEBUTANTES ARE FOUND.
posted by Smart Dalek at 4:01 PM on June 8, 2007 [4 favorites]

158 comments on Paris Hilton. Look in the mirror Metafilter.

And now it's 159 comments....

The futility.
posted by jouke at 4:02 PM on June 8, 2007

Now it is 160. STOP POSTING, PEOPLE!
posted by found missing at 4:04 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

#161
Why does Harvey Levin (TMZ?) continue to characterize Al Sharpton as playing the race card when he was clearly playing the race tinged class card? The CNN pseudo-anchors keep trying to express their canned outrage over celebrity justice and this Levin character keeps braying that he's a lawyer and swatting down any mention of indignation.

I'm commenting on the Paris thread and admitting I've watched CNN long enough to see Levin make the same disingenuous point twice... gawd.
posted by lazymonster at 4:05 PM on June 8, 2007

wow, posts are being judged on contextual integrity now? i'm glad i don't do FPP posts
posted by troybob at 4:06 PM on June 8, 2007

Take heart, people. We eventually stopped hearing about Zsa Zsa Gabor, too.
posted by katillathehun at 4:08 PM on June 8, 2007

Question: Why is it that yesterday's post about the CIA dissapearing people and torturing children gets deleted as wasting FPP space, but this stays up?
posted by [expletive deleted] at 4:09 PM on June 8, 2007 [3 favorites]

Pro Jail or Anti Jail. {PDFs}

From a small protest I did in front of SF City Hall a few weeks back.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 4:14 PM on June 8, 2007

That was a formatting issue. That post was hoggin' too much blue.
posted by puke & cry at 4:15 PM on June 8, 2007

Shit. stupid links, ignore those.

Pro-Jail or Anti-Jail
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 4:16 PM on June 8, 2007

In response to some of the celebrity justice naysayers, Steve Lopez from the LA Times had this little nugget: I'm not sure what was ailing Hilton, but I have to assume it was something more serious than a bad reaction to a bologna sandwich. I attended a parole hearing just last week for an L.A. County Jail inmate who served eight months for stealing a lightbulb despite having cancer, AIDS and dementia.
posted by lazymonster at 4:18 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

Justinian writes "The jails here in LA are so crowded that you don't spend time in jail for lesser offenses like this."

I don't know the statistics, but it was my understanding from various articles that one of the big reasons for overcrowding in LA county was that parole violators get sent to jail as a matter of course. I know this is one policy they're talking about changing in order to relieve the crowding. That seems to be one of the main things Baca discusses here.

You might know better than I do, though; I'm not really up on the statistics.
posted by mr_roboto at 4:18 PM on June 8, 2007

Again, the statistics, I don't know them.

I just wanted to make that crystal clear.
posted by mr_roboto at 4:19 PM on June 8, 2007

Question: Why is it that yesterday's post about the CIA dissapearing people and torturing children gets deleted as wasting FPP space, but this stays up?

Good question. Farking great question.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 4:21 PM on June 8, 2007

What, you didn't like the great farking answer?
posted by found missing at 4:23 PM on June 8, 2007

Parole violations on what crimes is the question, mr. roboto. Most of the people clogging up the jails here are in for felonies, often violent felonies.

Honestly, I'd rather have a violent felon got back for violating parole than make Paris spend the rest of her 40 days in jail.
posted by Justinian at 4:27 PM on June 8, 2007

"Paris sucks, but she's being badly shafted for being Paris."

I would cry me a river for her, but NARF!
posted by ZachsMind at 4:29 PM on June 8, 2007

Good question. Farking great question.

I already answered it.

posted by puke & cry at 4:32 PM on June 8, 2007

"FREE PARIS!"

I wonder who on the internets will print the obvious "SAVE PARIS" t-shirt.
posted by buriednexttoyou at 4:34 PM on June 8, 2007

Christ, I've become the "Area Man Somehow Roped Into Arguing Passionately For Green Day" guy. How did this happen?

Anyway, the legal system isn't the place to shaft airheaded asshole heiresses just because they are airheaded asshole heiresses. It's supposed to be about equal justice before the law.

If they can shaft Paris for being Paris, they can shaft black folks for being black folks, and poor folks for being poor folks. And they do.
posted by Justinian at 4:36 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

That was a formatting issue. That post was hoggin' too much blue.

So it's only ok to take up precious blue with large blockquotes in an Iraqfilter post if your y2karl then?

In all seriousness, I know why it was deleted, although I think it would have been better if it was just edited with [more inside]. My point is that it deserved to take up some space on the blue, because as much as we cringe when the whole front page is taken up with Iraqfilter, it's better than having even one fucking post on this nonsense.

When the CIA is torturing children, and engaging in, for lack of a better term extra-extralegal detention, we sure as hell aren't going to hear much about it on CNN. This on the other hand...
posted by [expletive deleted] at 4:42 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

Justinian writes "Parole violations on what crimes is the question, mr. roboto."

Yeah, I dunno. I'm having the damnedest time trying to figure it out with Google, too.

I was able to find that Hilton was on 36 months probation, though. Doesn't that classify the offense as a felony?
posted by mr_roboto at 4:44 PM on June 8, 2007

Anyone have the statistics on incarceration for LA?

*looks around*

mr_roboto, you look like a good candidate, what have you got for us?

:p
posted by quin at 4:49 PM on June 8, 2007

So it's only ok to take up precious blue with large blockquotes in an Iraqfilter post if your y2karl then?

Well, I don't like that either but yeah, he does seem to get a free pass.

In all seriousness, I know why it was deleted, although I think it would have been better if it was just edited with [more inside].

I flagged it expecting it to be chopped with a [more inside] but I could take if or leave it, really. The user in question knows that kind of formatting is frowned on and could have easily put together something that didn't take up so much space. I don't really place blame on the admins for that thread getting shit-canned.
posted by puke & cry at 4:50 PM on June 8, 2007

Yes, yes, yes... more important things... yawn.
I always wonder how people who are so uptight about how much time/space other people spend on subjects they don't aprove of somehow still have the time to spend wagging their fingers at the rest of us. Don't you have a soup kitchen to mop? And don't forget when you go to sleep tonight that instead of frivolous dreams you must only dream important dreams.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:51 PM on June 8, 2007 [24 favorites]

The blue balls of freedom.
posted by autodidact at 4:53 PM on June 8, 2007

In all seriousness, I know why it was deleted, although I think it would have been better if it was just edited with [more inside].

It's actually non-trivial to do that, depending. The lack of a proper MI function on the blue means you have to hijack the MI portions into the first comment. If there is a first comment is by the author, great, cut and paste in the admin edit form to append the MI. If there's no first comment yet, still not bad: admin makes comment with "this is more inside stuff", not too confusing, and if it's worth the effort I'm pretty sure Matt can just change the userid value in the db after, too.

If there's a first comment already by someone else, we're left either dropping a comment with the MI later in the thread (which is a lousy solution if there's more than a couple comments already), or jamming the MI into some unsuspecting third party's first comment, which would be just bizarre.

Proper MI functionality for the blue is on the wish list. In the mean time, it's kind of a pain, and it looks like Jess took the hacksaw approach to that one.

And while I hardly think this thread is sacrosanct in any meaningful sense, if folks do want to stage a real debate about deletion/non-deletion stuff, there's a greyer venue fit for just such.
posted by cortex at 4:55 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

So it's only ok to take up precious blue with large blockquotes in an Iraqfilter post if your y2karl then?

you're, sorry. I wasn't talking about your y2karl.
posted by [expletive deleted] at 4:58 PM on June 8, 2007

I'm having trouble understanding how Paris got "shafted" by the legal system. My understanding was that her sentence of 45 days -of which she would probably serve only half - was not the maximum sentence that could be imposed, nor was it out of the norm. It appears that it was Sheriff Baca and Paris' attorney who screwed her by failing to properly carry out the court's sentencing order; their deal ran afoul of the law, and they paid the price by invoking a side of the judge's discretion unfavorable to Ms. Hilton. She tried a legal strategy to better her position and it failed. Can anyone provide some thoughtful legal analysis to explain why this is a miscarriage of justice?
posted by Dr. Zira at 5:00 PM on June 8, 2007

Dr. Zira, didn't you see that she is WHITE???
posted by hermitosis at 5:02 PM on June 8, 2007

Dr. Zira, didn't you see that she is WHITE RICH???
posted by quin at 5:09 PM on June 8, 2007

Dr. Zira, didn't you see that she is WHITE RICH A CELEBRITY???
posted by quin at 5:11 PM on June 8, 2007

As to avoid a derail of this most serious thread: MeTa
posted by [expletive deleted] at 5:13 PM on June 8, 2007

Actually, we could get rid of those <strikes> and it be the most accurate.
posted by quin at 5:13 PM on June 8, 2007

why can I not stop thinking of the last 15 seconds of this clip from "I accuse my parents?"
posted by Busithoth at 5:22 PM on June 8, 2007

By the hammer of Cortex, that clears up everything! ;)

Seriously, though, even operating on the premise that her sentence disproportionately harsh in comparison to similar offenses, it seems like openly defying a court's order is the worst way to remedy that, and one that ultimately bit Ms. Hilton in the ass.

Also, I find her reported display in the courtroom strange? Did no one - either her attorney or a parent - sit her down this morning and say "Paris, hon, there's a distinct possibility that you might not be coming back home this evening, mkay?" How is it that one who lives in the public eye, deals daily with an onslaught of paparazzi, who has already endured incredible public humiliation with a sex video, who was able to sit in a roomful of celebrities and be the butt of Sarah Silverman's jokes with some amount of composure, is unable to endure a couple of days in the pokey. I just cannot wrap my brain around the notion that she is so frail, weak and completely bankrupt of coping mechanisms necessary to survive in jail, when evidence clearly exists that she's more than able to withstand difficult circumstances. Are there some horrors about spending time in an unclean confined space where people are mean to you, having to eat bologna sandwiches that I'm not fully grasping? Someone please help me sort out the contradiction here because my middle class/unwashed brain just isn't connecting the dots properly; the only other answer I can come to is that she is a brilliant manipulator of a level that is masterful and truly evil, in which case 45 days in jail seems largely insufficient.
posted by Dr. Zira at 5:33 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

who has already endured incredible public humiliation with a sex video

This word humiliation, I do not think you think it means what Paris thinks it means.
posted by vito90 at 5:38 PM on June 8, 2007

Dr. Zira, rumour has it that Ms. Hilton released the video herself.
posted by deborah at 5:51 PM on June 8, 2007

Well, somewhere out there on the internets a friend of hers seems to be claiming she's claustrophobic.

I have to admit I find this all very fascinating, from a "case study" perspective. And I do kinda feel bad for her, for many and varied reasons.

(And that doesn't take away any complassion I feel for poorer or less famous folk. I have plenty to go around.)
posted by konolia at 5:52 PM on June 8, 2007

Actually, it's more along the lines of buffers. Paris lives in a world where no one can touch her, she is in control. If she wants a burger, she drives and gets a burger. If she wants to go shopping, she goes shopping. If she wants to be a porn star, she gets to be a porn star. Nothing touches her. She is insulated, isolated, and totally in her own world.
This event, the courtroom, the jail, the judge. These are all things she has no control over. She cannot simply walk away because she wants to. This is something she has never had. This is why she is a mess. Psychologically she has never been told "no" by someone else and had it mean anything. There was nothing solid to hold her down, nothing that she could not run away from before. She was in a constant world of her own, never resposible for the consequences of her actions.

THIS IS WHY WE HATE HER. If you were to meet Paris Hilton and tried to have a direct heart-to-heart conversation with her, it would only last as long as it was interesting to her. Once you became boring, once she lost interest in what you were saying, it would be over. You could not get her to understand. The only thing she listens to you for is to find a way to turn your words into an insult. And once she has done that the rest of the words you say become noise.

SHE IS NOT UNIQUE. There was a post a couple days ago about Patton Oswalds little rant about "gifting suites", in which he described the non-celebrity hollywood people that he hates. The non-celeb scenesters, the fashion-show club kids, the ones who enable Paris and her ilk by paying attention to her antics and applauding it and copying it and trying to be Paris Hilton. The damaged goods, the missing-the-point existence of people with more money than sense, more style than braincells, more investment in their own personal movie than the person sharing the bed with them.

First against the wall when the revolution comes.
The revolution is coming, right? That's Paris' new nickname, isn't it? I want to make sure they see me and how cool I look. I got my nose done just like Paris so she'd see how much I love her. Do you think she'll notice? She is coming to this party, right? Does my hair look hot?
posted by daq at 5:53 PM on June 8, 2007 [20 favorites]

What is Paris Hilton's opinion on portobello mushrooms?
posted by Krrrlson at 5:59 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

it seems like openly defying a court's order is the worst way to remedy that,

Ironically, it was openly defying the court's orders that put her here in the first place. I mean she had the signed agreement to not drive, in her glove compartment when she was caught speeding. More specifically for going 70 mph in a 35 mph zone. (In my state that is felony speeding and in and of itself will earn you some jail time.)

This is a person who, based on her actions, appears to believe that the law is something that happens to other people. That she got out for some kind of 'medial condition' probably just helped to cement this in her mind.

Her going back is a good thing.
posted by quin at 6:01 PM on June 8, 2007

I see. So the problem is not that she's going to prison, but that she's going to a prison where cameras are not allowed to record her experiences for later profitable release as a reality program. It seems then as though this would be more properly characterized as a "vacation" and her tantrum then is really about a loss of creative control, then.
posted by Dr. Zira at 6:06 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

Actually, I think "the reason we hate her" is that Hated Heiress is how she's branded herself (with plenty of help from the online media, and the trad gossip rags to a lesser degree.) Not that I have suspicions that she's a whole lot deeper than the public mask but I think most of the gossip reporting is about constructing narratives, and Paris is like the bad guy pro-wrestler character that everyone loves to loathe. Having her images splattered all over the web makes money for the image owners, the site owners, and PH herself (& the organization of lawyers, stylists, hangers-on et al that comprise the hated yet absurdly popular PH brand.) I wish I knew more about the nuts and bolts of our celebrity making industry. Anyone have any links?
posted by maryh at 6:11 PM on June 8, 2007

...she's going to a prison where cameras are not allowed to record her experiences for later profitable release as a reality program. It seems then as though this would be more properly characterized as a "vacation"...

No, actually it seems that THAT is the real punishment. Nobody is watching. I can only imagine what the second day was like for her, after 24 whole hours of nothing but her own thoughts. It really may have been enough to drive her bar-biting mad. No wonder she's freaked.
posted by hermitosis at 6:22 PM on June 8, 2007

California can show that it is serious about holding the wealthy to the same standard as justice as the poor

This is, and always has been, utter bullshit. There is no other way that the rich live their lives "to the same standard" as the poor. Why should "justice" be any different? Why do you resent her ability to hire a tremendously expensive law firm, but are OK with her having a vastly better house and car than you do?

There's nothing magical about custodial sentences that qualifies them as some kind of "leveller". Custodial sentences are a punishment with a financial and psychological effect. She doesn't need the money: 6 weeks off "work" won't hurt her the way it would hurt you. She doesn't have or need a resume that 6 weeks in prison would look bad on. The psychological effect might actually be worse for her than it is for you, in that the difference in conditions in prison as compared to her home are worse, but that doesn't make up for the rest of it. She's largely protected from the worst aspect of American jail--harassment by other inmates--by her financial advantages; the sheriff's department know that if she got beaten and paralyzed, they couldn't laugh about it in the break room the way they could if it happened to some homeless drunk guy; they are economically compelled to uphold their duty of care over her.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 6:22 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

What Hilton is great for, is that it totally takes away the attention of the privileged class. Or at least it is great for the privileged class. I would suggest the documentary Born Rich which follows those with as much or more than Paris Hilton and in similar predicament. Some follow the old adage of being in the paper only three times (birth, marriage, death) very closely and stay away from public scorn, but their damage is far worse than an alcoholic, oversexed, ignorant heiress.

It is akin to the "George Bush" phenomena where we have a group of kids who grow up with enough wealth and power and are probably of moderate or above average intelligence. The problem is insidious in that any of them with the slightest of ambition can achieve places where 90% of America could only do so with, as Goethe wisely pointed out, a conflation of luck and merit. The problem is of course the hubris with the results and the arrogance that one can do no wrong, simply because they've never had to experience anything going wrong. Again it is cliche and trite, but I believe the George Bush example is a perfect example of this. How many of us can party until we are 30, have several failed ventures and routinely bounce back? Paris Hilton is stupid, she knows how to work the media and that's it. I'm much more worried about the board of directors and various other places where nepotism, money and power gravitate toward like a giant, intangible asymptote.

Sorry Paris Hilton is like the skanky girl in high school you hear about a couple years later that's been pregnant several times with different fathers and still lives that party lifestyle. A mere annoyance compared to the asshole who always had the awesome parties (his parents were always away someplace), sucked up enough to do well in school and is now laying off 10,000 employees because an accountant is telling him it'll save money in the short-term (listening to accountants has done him well in life, as has keeping people with power liking him).

But then again, what do we do? We talk about the skanky girl and how she blew one of our friends and how are friend is so embarrassed about it. We ignore the real problems of nepotism because they're too abstracted and distance to sum up in a headline or have Greta yammer on about it.
posted by geoff. at 6:38 PM on June 8, 2007 [5 favorites]

daq writes "Psychologically she has never been told 'no' by someone else and had it mean anything. There was nothing solid to hold her down, nothing that she could not run away from before."

Well as an armchair psycologist :) I'd say , judging from her apparent behavior, that she seems to be frustrated and reacting with sobbing and crying to a situation she just can't accept as true, it's too hugely dissonant , combined with the realization that "No Paris, you can't always have it your way" and the frustration for not being able to sidestep the punishment.

In my life I have met, when younger, similar individuals that we categorized superficially as "spoiled brats" ; very few of them display the behavior of uncaring, insecure cynic and tyrannic peorson that "can have it someway somehow sometime, regardless" and they were universally despised, not for their money, but for their behavior.

The most interesting subgroup, that I later started to understand a little better, are the ones who do live a relatively comfortable life, usually with parents with complicated professional lifes and high incomes, people that were if not abstent certainly not very present (or tragically uncaring and detached). While they were certainly said no , they adapted rather complacently to a directed lifestyle because it was a rather comfortable lifestyle, compliant with parent desires, which yelded desiderable results.

Combine this with a never completely resolved classism that is still quite present at ALL incomes ; for instance take a rather superficial mother that doesn't want her lovely precious girl to mix up with "these unpolite brats" , were unpoliteness is just an excuse not to say "these poor primitive people" ; I guess that this distorted few is just imitated, parroting of Big Rich Bosses behaviors , people that almost "NEED" to see others an inferiors, subhumans to fire them at will for no other reason then maximizing a profit they could abundantly do without.

Now that lovely girl gets to be treated like a princess, with all that she wants, but she doesn't get to relate much to a reality in which people go to jail, poverty is increasing and "middle class" is maybe a couple millions people. She lives a life that is not only a few millions dollar away from that of the majority, but also rather secluded and in a strict club of similars , with casual contacts with various realities.

And you said, she can always bail back to her reality. Now she just can't. Unlike Simple Life, which clearly was scripted.
posted by elpapacito at 6:45 PM on June 8, 2007

And you said, she can always bail back to her reality. Now she just can't. Unlike Simple Life, which clearly was scripted.

See, that is the fascinating thing! Well put! Her whole life has been scripted and framed as reality; now she is being slapped in the face with reality and it seems like it is scripted, too.

Oh young spoiled rich of America, don't turn your life into a bad TV show or bad TV show type things will happen to you, too!
posted by Joey Michaels at 6:54 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

New York civil rights activist The Rev. Al Sharpton said Hilton?s home confinement 'gives all of the appearances of economic and racial favoritism that is constantly cited by poor people and people of color.'

When I first read that Al Sharpton had weighed in on this for some reason I unconsciously assumed he had been in support of her. Man, I can't believe I thought that.

This is one story that is going to get sadder and sadder as Paris ages. The actual opportunities that she gets now — the gigs on TV shows, the movie roles, the CD releases — will dry up with the next eight or nine years. She'll be lucky to get some of the bottom feeder celeb spots "Celebrity Wrestling" or some such thing. Her plastic surgery will not age well. She'll gain some weight. Her substance abuse will catch up with her. She'll go through multiple marriages. If she has children she'll do a horrible job of raising them, and possibly have them taken away from her. She'll probably do a number of jail sentences. It will all be documented extensively by the media.

Not much of this will have any impact on her. Her mummy and daddy and their money and her own situational narcissism will insulate her from most of the fallout from her behaviour.

But at some point it'll stop being fun for us. Sure it's all fun and games when an incredibly spoiled rich girl gets dragged off to prison, but will it be funny when a 45 year old ODs for the twentieth time and then releases another sex video? If you think you're sickened by her now, wait until that happens. And the media will still have her in its lens.

And we'll be sickened by it, but we'll only be getting the media and the celebrity culture we deserve. She'll be a living portrait of Dorian Gray that we don't get to hide away in the attic.
posted by orange swan at 7:01 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

What's with berating the beauty of obviously attractive female celebrities?

misogyny, pure and simple

I don't think so, really. People show similar amount of contempt for Kevin Federline. It really just comes down to hatred of those who leech off fame's ass.
posted by liquorice at 7:04 PM on June 8, 2007

Kevin Federline is a bad example because the contempt shown for him was actually contempt for Britney Spears and her choice in men. Kevin Federline was not a genuine celebrity himself without her.
posted by miss lynnster at 7:16 PM on June 8, 2007

Instead of wasting a perfectly good Askmeta post, it occurs to me this would be a perfect place to ask-what POSSIBLE medical condition could someone have that would permit them to get out of jail (if not free, then at least back home with an ankle bracelet?)

The one thing that truly, deeply sickens me about this situation - that she was remanded to HOUSE ARREST at her MANSION because of a herpes outbreak (which, god knows, can be really awful) - is that there are people, literally, dying of AIDS in our federal prisons who get nothing more than the very basic treatment they need to stay alive- barely - and suffer day in and day out, for years on end.

THAT is a travesty. THAT is unconscionable. THAT is sick, and knowing that thousands of prisoners in this country die alone, suffering, with no concern for their comfort or emotions or minds or families, makes me want to fucking puke.
posted by tristeza at 7:17 PM on June 8, 2007 [4 favorites]

You have some evidence that the herpes story is true, tristeza? I believe it to be false.
posted by Justinian at 7:22 PM on June 8, 2007

No, I don't. Let's say it's not, then, let's say it was oh, I dunno, a constant migraine or abdominal pain. Still the same conclusion. It's not fucking dying of AIDS or cancer or heart disease or emphysema, is it?
posted by tristeza at 7:25 PM on June 8, 2007

Yes, and? Hilton would not be a celerbrity without her money. They've both used that as platforms to spin themselves into something bigger.
posted by liquorice at 7:26 PM on June 8, 2007

I bet she's looking at a cold plate of instant mashed potatoes and canned green beans and making pouty face right this second.

:(
posted by The Straightener at 7:56 PM on June 8, 2007 [2 favorites]

good grief. This is a story that truly exposes everyone for being complete asses. yeah, she's a tool, but she wouldn't have been in this place without all those millions of people who now hate her having first put her on a pedestal. And I'm not referring to those who truly have better things to pay attention to and don't care about this sort of stuff, but I'd venture a guess that most of those comments on YouTube came from people who at one time had some sort of positive feelings about her. Now it's all chic to spew venom all out of proportion to her situation.
I really don't give a royal fucking rat's ass if she went to jail or not. I hope she matures and becomes a better person because she doesn't deserves the level of hate she is receiving, no matter how dim she may be.

The whole situation make me want to puke, not for her actions, they are merely asinine on a personal level, but in how how so many other people are acting, because that is asinine on a cultural level. She's messed up for sure, but the way we treat messed up public figures is pathological.
posted by edgeways at 8:01 PM on June 8, 2007 [3 favorites]

Cortex doesn't think Nick Ut is worthy of an FPP, but I do.
posted by Kraftmatic Adjustable Cheese

Thanks for pointing out that deleted post. Never though I'd see Flaming Carrot quoted in a deletion reason.
posted by marxchivist at 8:17 PM on June 8, 2007

She's messed up for sure, but the way we treat messed up public figures is pathological.

I think that knowing the way we treat them and still being willing to do absolutely anything to be one is the greater pathology.
posted by hermitosis at 8:18 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

This happened on the 1500th day since the President declared "Miission Accomplished!" Coincidence? I think not.
posted by homunculus at 8:45 PM on June 8, 2007 [2 favorites]

It was the best of NewsFilter, it was the worst of NewsFilter.

I bet she's looking at a cold plate of instant mashed potatoes and canned green beans and making pouty face right this second.

Let her eat cake.

/fall of Paris jokes
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 8:47 PM on June 8, 2007 [3 favorites]

every time i feel down
in this smoggy town
whether white or gray be the skies
whether loud be the jeers
or whether loud be her tears
more and more do i realize ...

i love paris in the jailtime
i love when she takes a fall
i love paris in the cop car when she drizzles
i love paris in the bedroom when she sizzles
i love paris every moment
every moment she's jailed here
i love paris ... oh why do i love paris?
she's my graybar hotel dear
posted by pyramid termite at 9:09 PM on June 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

All of us shopping at the WalMart today WEPT when we heard that The Man had gotten Paris again.

Others have touched on why, for the first time in my life, I'm mildly fascinated by this woman's story. For the 99 percent of us living in the Real World it's intriguing to think of a 26-year old whose life has been so pampered, narcissistic and self-involved that she has ZERO coping skills.

She has never had to worry about paying the bills, take care of another human being, vacuum the floor, buy and prepare her own groceries, sit in the cheap seats, find a job, get fired, learn from her mistakes, OWN her mistakes ...

She's had to do NOTHING that is both humdrum and yet the very essence of being an adult.


The plan to run her off the road will go amiss when Kevin Federline unexpectedly steps in the road in front of them, causing Paris to panic, and all three are killed when they plummet off of a cliff.

One suggestion to improve your scenario: They plow into everyone who's become "famous" from being on a reality show.

Also Dr. Phil.
posted by NorthernLite at 9:54 PM on June 8, 2007

She's being set up as an example. This is THE MAN keeping down all white upper class snotty debutantes everywhere, to remind them who's really in charge so they'll remember they have to beg Mummy and Daddy for money, or they'll get thrown in the slammer.

Or it's just blatant publicity for the next season of her reality show whatever it's called... "About-As-Real-As-A-Facelift Life" or something.

I recall when I was a kid, I was for some strange reason fascinated briefly with then-celebrities like Kristy McNichol and Melissa Gilbert and that chick who played Joannie on Happy Days. I don't recall any of these women doing anything remotely interesting in their private lives. They'd play a part on some TV show and then go home and do what the rest of us do which is be whatever normal is for whoever you or they are or were or ..whatever.

Maybe the only thing that makes Hilton interesting is that crap like getting thrown in jail seems to always be happening to her, like her life is being orchestrated or choreographed for maximum exposure. I bet that she generally complains about her celebrity status, but deep down she revels in it like a fetishist. The ultimate exhibitionist. ...That's hot! ...not
posted by ZachsMind at 11:07 PM on June 8, 2007

Allow me to go on record saying that following this story is not indicative of empty-headed tabloid gossip. The issue of to what extent there is one justice for all or a tiered justice system based on class, is relevant to us all, and as such this is a case worth paying attention to.
posted by -harlequin- at 12:58 AM on June 9, 2007

Jail is supposed to suck, right? That's why it's jail. That herpes things makes alot of sense, though....
posted by lanycwriter at 1:13 AM on June 9, 2007

I enjoy the anagrams of her name.
HAIR PIN LOST, LAIN THIS PRO, etc.
posted by hypersloth at 1:23 AM on June 9, 2007

oops, forgot
posted by hypersloth at 1:23 AM on June 9, 2007

Thank you, Stynxno, for illustrating why the non-celebritywank-filter policy exists.
posted by chuckdarwin at 1:52 AM on June 9, 2007

daq has it: the revolution is coming. Paris, Britney, Lindsay. Hell, OJ, Martha, Spector, Blake. Skinners' rats, all amazed. We're jamming endless Sanjayas into snowglobes and shaking them up just to watch the fallout. I'd be very curious to hear a sociologists' take on what has historically followed the unmasking of Idols. Yeah, pun intended. Capacocha, anyone?

What's interesting to me is that we're holding second-tier celebs to a standard that's not being asked of our elected officials. Things that matter, don't; things that don't, do. Things have never been better, things have never been worse. Behind the scenes there's a lot of generalised slouching and things falling apart and centers not holding, I think. A real deep communal sense of disillusionment, disempowerment, displaced anger. We're so wonderfully cynical we don't believe in the truth anymore. Harmless enough while the economy's ticking along and we've all got work, food, shelter. Take that away and you get outright malevolence / anarchy awful quick. Witness New Orleans.

My gut feel is that there are a lot of miserable disenfranchised fuckos out there who know things ain't right, can't do a damn thing about it, but wanna see someone hanged in the village square on a saturday night to ease their blackened achey-breaky conscience. And then along comes Paris, sticking her horsey neck into the noose. Exact same reason you'll find half of these yokels pew one, seat one come sunday morning ...

OH, LOOK! BEANS!
posted by bookie at 3:28 AM on June 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

Paris Hilton has a Sidekick? Wow.

I'm late to the witch-burning party. But I have to say I actually feel sorry for her now, after not much caring one way or the other before the lat few days when this story was all you could see anywhere you looked. The folks saying this is classic bread and circus public humiliation theater to make us poor shlubs feel better about our own fucked-up lives have it right.

Plenty of poor people are out there free and driving on suspended licenses with one prior DUI right now. In general, they won't get jail time if nailed for it, because there isn't room in the jails. It's scandalous but true. She's clearly being picked on for the publicity, because in LA even the cops want to be celebrities.

Kick 'em when they're up, kick 'em when they're down.
posted by spitbull at 4:07 AM on June 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

We're all human.

Only human.
LOOK! MEFI AND META, ALL IN THE SAME POST, THE STREAMS, MY GOD THE STREAMS, WILL YOU LOOK AT THESE BEANS, I THINK....I THINK....

posted by cavalier at 4:43 AM on June 9, 2007

She has never had to worry about paying the bills, take care of another human being, vacuum the floor, buy and prepare her own groceries, sit in the cheap seats, find a job, get fired, learn from her mistakes, OWN her mistakes ...

i'm confused. are we talking about paris hilton or george w. bush?
posted by quonsar at 4:46 AM on June 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

Plenty of poor people are out there free and driving on suspended licenses with one prior DUI right now.

Are they free and driving if they've been pulled over twice on a suspended license?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:48 AM on June 9, 2007

And going 70 in a 35mph zone? And driving without headlights at night? After failing to enroll in a court-ordered alcohol education program, thus violating the terms of the parole of her first DUI?

Puh-lease. The idea that "She's clearly being picked on for the publicity" is laughable.
posted by mediareport at 5:20 AM on June 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

Oh, and just in case you missed it, spitbull, here's the real reason Paris was just sent back:

The judge interrupted several times to say that he had received a call last Wednesday from an undersheriff informing him that Hilton had a medical condition and that he would submit papers to the judge to consider. He said the papers never arrived.

Every few minutes, the judge would interrupt proceedings, state the time on the clock, and note that the papers still had not arrived.

If the apparently corrupt, gift-loving, friend-hiring sheriff hadn't decided to publicly shit on the judge's head, it might be a different story.
posted by mediareport at 5:39 AM on June 9, 2007

link
posted by mediareport at 5:40 AM on June 9, 2007

This incident, or something like it, could not have been more inevitable, because in the pact with the devil that Paris Hilton signed, the devil is the public, and she is merely doing its demonic bidding. Which answers the question "why is she the ubiquitous celebrity if she has no talent, has never accomplished anything of note, is neither witty nor charming, or even breathtakingly beautiful, and her only outstanding quality is a pathological need for public attention at any cost?" Because this makes her perfect for our needs. It makes her perfect as the modern Hester Prynne, the millennium Marie Antoinette, the selected sin-eater of our age, a sturdy, reliable, and compliantly provocative receptacle for our collective rage and emotional violence.

She efficiently fills in every blank to allow us to unite beyond class, race, political and gender lines in a bukkakesque orgy of shared sadism and subsequent release: Child of privilege? Check. Sense of entitlement without merit? Contemptuous of the great unwashed? Check. "Slut"? Check. Vain, shallow, narcissistic, selfish, useless? Check. Further, I would add, female and attractive? Check. (Because the titillation of the hate-and-humiliation fest just doesn't have the same brio without this fillip.) Thus identified and branded as the perfect empty vessel into which we could tip the lava of our hate with only the faintest trace of guilt or remorse, we paid into our end of the bargain and lavished her with the public gaze necessary to bring the whole exercise to the point of climax.

Whatever it's all about, it's only minimally about Paris. There's are hundreds or thousands of people almost exactly like her, but they lack her fatal flaw - the morbidly obsessive exhibitionism that leads her to embrace the abuse as a form of love. Her need is such that she not only fufills her role as an object of scorn, she has embellished the terms of the contract, and we've savored every instant of foreplay building up to the great fall.

In terms of public scapegoating, she is simply the Perfect Storm. She is the storm we bought and paid for.
posted by taz at 5:57 AM on June 9, 2007 [5 favorites]

she is fantastically ugly.

To claim she's physically ugly is just being willfully obtuse.

These two claim fascinate me, especially the second one. I can interpret the first as containing an implied "in my opinion," but the second implies that Paris Hilton IS attractive, and that anyone who disagrees is lying.

What makes someone writ-in-stone, definitively attractive TO EVERYONE? Nothing. It's subjective. Clearly there are biological and cultural forces that TEND to push MANY people into finding similar traits attractive, but they don't work on ALL people.

I can think of four meanings for these claims, all of which are odd:

1. I find Paris so attractive (or unattractive) that I can't imagine anyone else feeling otherwise. Odd because it assumes all people share my psychology.

2. Paris has traits that many people find attractive (or unattractive), therefor I feel it's fair to use the shorthand expression "she is attractive" (or "she is ugly") by which I mean "to most people." That's not odd on the face of it, but to then go on and suggest "and if you think otherwise, you're lying (or "being obtuse)" IS odd, because when you're using "is attractive" as a shorthand for "to most people," you're implying that she's genuinely not attractive to ALL people. So why is someone who disagrees with you necessarily dishonest or obtuse? They may just be eccentric.

3. We ALL find the same things attractive (or unattractive). There are certain people who universally attract (or repel) us, and claiming exemption from their traits is like claiming exemption from gravity. Odd because via comparing standards of beauty across cultures, histories and individuals within the same culture and period (i.e some guys like "Plumpers Magazine"), we can tell this is false.

4. There are certain traits which, if you have them, you ARE beautiful (or ugly). It doesn't matter whether people are attracted to you or not. Just having those traits defines your looks. For instance, we could say that if you're skinny, you're attractive, and you'd be just as attractive if we killed off all the people in the world who were attracted to skinny people and just left living people who were attracted to fat people. Odd because it separated the word "attactive" from actual feelings. Plus, it's arbitrary. Who decides the rules and why should we agree to play by them?

By the way, I'm aware of the fact that SOME people berate the looks of the rich and famous just they -- the beraters -- have a chip on their shoulder about privileged people, but someone who thinks Paris Hilton is ugly doesn't necessarily fall into this camp.

Me? I avoid the news and most mainstream TV. So I rarely follow Paris's exploits and don't care much about her one way or another. Somehow, this latest piece of news got under my snobbish radar, and I felt sorry for her. I think she's getting exactly what she deserves (or maybe less than she deserves), but I'm a softie and I feel sorry pretty much anyone in distress.

And to me, she's butt ugly. I might find her more attractive if I was less into faces. She does seem to have a good body (I haven't seen her naked pics or video). I know plenty of guys who can take or leave a face, as-long-as a girl has a nice body, but I'm not one of them.

I don't find her just-okay looking or plain. I find her UGLY. And I rarely feel that way about anyone. I'm actually somewhat surprised by the force of my feelings, but I immediately felt that way the first time I saw her, and when I'm flipping channels and happen to see her, it feels a little uncomfortable. And I'm not one of those people who hates the rich. She's not symbolic to me. She's just an ugly-faced girl with a nice body, dressed in expensive clothing.
posted by grumblebee at 6:32 AM on June 9, 2007 [2 favorites]

I'd judt like to say that Martha Stewart handled this better. But then again Martha's from New Jersey which means she probably expected to be incarcerated at some point.
posted by jonmc at 6:43 AM on June 9, 2007 [6 favorites]

For me, after 18 years there, it's both a relief and strange to be living outside of LA when this is happening. It's just weird to be free of the drama... because LA soaks up its celebrity drama and when you're there you just can't really escape it. When the whole O.J. trial happened, I was working 3 blocks from the murder scene. The crowds of people standing in front of the condo waiting for Nicole's ghost to resurrect from the sprinkler system and scream "OJ DID IT!" literally affected my drive home at night. And I remember I was getting my hair cut when the Bronco chase was happening and everything came to a standstill. Slowest haircut I've ever gotten, nobody in the salon could concentrate on anything but the tv so everything just stopped and people stood frozen, mesmerized by the tv. And then a friend of mine called me from his balcony to tell me that OJ was passing him.

Then in 2001, about a year after I had helped to convinced a friend of mine to dump the... uhhh... oooold 70s celebrity she was dating (I thought that he was creepy, such a strange attitude), his new wife ended up dead. And then THAT story was everywhere, and we were all trying to protect my friend and to not get involved, and wouldn't you know that the police never even questioned her or any of us. So that was a relief but it also ended up making me wonder about his guilt since the Police clearly weren't doing much investigative work if they didn't even try to speak to his last known ex-girlfriend.

So now this Paris thing is happening & there's no murder involved (but you'd think there was). And I'm living in an area where people don't watch much tv & don't care much about celebrities. So I could spend the whole day not hearing a thing about this. Really the only conversation I've been having about her is the one I'm reading here. Her drama isn't affecting my life and I don't really care so much. And that's really kinda nice, because really why should I. But on the other hand... I'm not getting any good firsthand stories out of this. If I lived in LA still I would probably have some kind of "I was getting some food at the In & Out Burger on Hollywood Blvd. and Paris barfed on my car" story or something. And now that I don't live there, that I would ever have any degrees of separation or have my life affected at all by this freaky spoiled brat wonky-eyed heiress who doesn't know how to clear up a ticket properly just seems really weird to me.

I like life better this way. Yet it's kind of boring too. So, I dunno.
posted by miss lynnster at 7:50 AM on June 9, 2007 [5 favorites]

grumblebee: I don't find her just-okay looking or plain. I find her UGLY.

Methinks you doth protest too much.

::someone's got a crush!!::</small?
posted by found missing at 8:08 AM on June 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

oh shits
posted by found missing at 8:08 AM on June 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

This is fascinating. But I'm still waiting for some factual, honest-to-goodness reporting with statistics. IS she being penalized more than the average joe? With her multiple offenses? Hard to believe. I think the poster above nailed the issue by reminding us that the judge had been promised paperwork that never arrived--and why didn't it? Was there any? Hmm. I admit to a tiny bit of pity for her yesterday--she's let out of jail and then wham, she's re-jailed. Does seem a little mean. But I could do without the relentless TV coverage of it and all those vicious, mostly female, lawyers lying their hearts out on TV. I particularly love it when the celebrity lawyers come on and say that no one they know has been punished this way for a simillar offense. THAT's exactly the point--NO ONE they know but what about everyone else?
posted by etaoin at 8:35 AM on June 9, 2007

In 6,000 years, she'll be another avatar of Inanna.
posted by Haruspex at 8:51 AM on June 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

But I'm still waiting for some factual, honest-to-goodness reporting with statistics

I was watching a special about it on MSNBC and one of the lawyers started to get in to the details of the legal system, really interesting stuff on how the legal system works in LA and California and was pointedly told "we don't want to get into the details".

Back to the Daily Show!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:53 AM on June 9, 2007

To stop those monsters 1-2-3,
Here's a fresh new way that's trouble-free,
It's got Paul Anka's guarantee...
(Guarantee void in Tennessee)

Just don't look! Just don't look!
Just don't look! Just don't look!
Just don't look! Just don't look!
posted by aladfar at 9:04 AM on June 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

Last night on Olbermann it was reported that Baca had previously accepted a $1000 campaign donation from Hilton's grandfather. The lesson being that he should have donated more generously.

Oh, and this from Baca (LA Times): it was unusual for him to decide to release an inmate early.
posted by lazymonster at 10:17 AM on June 9, 2007

Huh. According to this article, it would have been unusual if he hadn't released her early: Tug-of-war over Hilton raises larger questions
posted by homunculus at 10:31 AM on June 9, 2007

The thing that always sticks in my mind about Paris is that the media often describes her as "Hotel Hieress...". Which instantly makes me think that when daddy dies, she's going to be responsible for managing a global chain of high class hotels.

She won't be of course. But I just like to ponder the thought, and imagine that she has some secret talent for managing a billion-dollar hospitality business.
posted by Jimbob at 10:35 AM on June 9, 2007 [2 favorites]

Sometimes a nervous breakdown is a blessing. A forced reevaluation of a life spent meaninglessly.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:45 AM on June 9, 2007

homunculus -
That was his (Baca) statement and I don't think it contradicts the other story. Policy (his) has been to push people out the door as quickly as possible, for him to personally do the shoving, against the explicit wishes of the judge? That's the interesting part.
posted by lazymonster at 10:57 AM on June 9, 2007

Uh, interesting part about the story I linked to. I think the Tug-of-war story and the questions it raises are more interesting and larger, yes.
posted by lazymonster at 11:21 AM on June 9, 2007

Sometimes a nervous breakdown is a blessing. A forced reevaluation of a life spent meaninglessly.

are you defining 'nervous breakdown' as such generally, or are you just doing that christian thing of presuming to judge the meaningfulness of someone else's subjective experience?
posted by troybob at 11:52 AM on June 9, 2007

Sometimes a nervous breakdown is a blessing. A forced reevaluation of a life spent meaninglessly.

Word, though I'm hesitant to cast aspersions -- I don't know that Paris Hilton spends her life significantly more meaninglessly than I do my own, personally. I just don't think anything about her existence is so meaningful that I really need to know about it every time she takes a crap. Or, really, that I need to know she exists at all.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 12:52 PM on June 9, 2007

When she showers...she will get a bucketful of buffalo sauce
to go with her crying. Spicy tears. Such a sad sweet song.
Buffalo sauce tears.
posted by doctorschlock at 12:57 PM on June 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

it isn't fair, i tell you! i could release a video of me having sex with someone and it would get exactly zero buzz.

NOT IF YOU HAD SEX WITH A BEE
posted by Sticherbeast at 1:03 PM on June 9, 2007 [3 favorites]

"NOT IF YOU HAD SEX WITH A BEE"

How about a bee-dog?

I can't find any bee-dog porn but i'm sure that once the google spider sees this comment it will spring into existence.
posted by thatwhichfalls at 1:08 PM on June 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

Oh, bee-dog link for those who didn't start masturbating as soon as they grasped the concept.
posted by thatwhichfalls at 1:10 PM on June 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

I was watching CNN last night and one of the legal 'experts' said returning Paris to jail was one of the greatest injustices he'd seen in thirty years.

I too am down with aramaic's mobile beheading robot. Let the steamgore begin, indeed.
posted by hojoki at 2:26 PM on June 9, 2007

Grumblebee, as the originator of the comment which gave you pause, I can say that I made the obtuse comment as a reaction to the folks who vehemently claim Hilton is ugly. I think there is a difference between saying "I don't find her attractive" and "she is ugly." The former allows for the idea that she might be conventionally attractive but you don't find her to be so and the latter implies that that no one should find her attractive, that it's self-evident that anyone who does needs glasses.

Like I said, I don't actually find her appealing, but I can see where others might. The same is true of many other Hollywood celebrities.

Part of what informs my opinion on this is watching women in an office I used to work in go through fashion magazines and talk about how horrible looking many of the models were. The models were generally gorgeous (duh)--the opinions were vehement and unsparing, and reeked of...jealousy? I dunno. Maybe a boyfriend had said "wow, this babe is hot" in a way that made the folks looking at the magazine insecure and their opinions were simply being transferred to the glossy pages of the magazine.

In any case, I wasn't trying to imply that everyone had to find Paris appealing, but that condemning her as physically ugly was simply being contrary.
posted by maxwelton at 2:27 PM on June 9, 2007

grumblebee nails it.

I have no vendetta against rich/famous people that would cause me to declare a beautiful rich person ugly.

I love women. Women of all types. Fat and thin, tall and short, young and old, blond, brunette, redhead. I have a very broad opinion of what qualifies as "beautiful". I routinely find girls attractive that my friends consider to be plain, at best.

But something about Paris Hilton is physically revolting to me. She scarcely strikes me as even human. Her features are just unflattering. Her face is unsettling. Her figure is unflattering (her height and extreme thinness make her look scarecrow-ish). Her hair is thin, stringy, and always in her face. Her hands are ugly. Her feet are ugly. She's like a frankenstein of leftover undesirable parts. The woman is just not attractive, in my opinion.

Saying I feel this because she's famous is absurd, and saying it is somehow misogynistic is incomprehensible.
posted by Ynoxas at 5:34 PM on June 9, 2007

Incidentally, since I'm sure a few but only a few people around here share a similar experience with me, I'll say that I was acquainted¹ with a gorgeous (did modeling work when I knew her) billionaire (worth much, much more than Paris Hilton) heiress who was, when I knew her, a very nice person and who, when not doing billionaire heiress type things, was doing normal things and fit in fine with the non-billionaire, non-gorgeous circle of friends in which she was a part. Granted, some gossip-pages stuff I've read on this person in the fifteen years since I knew her indicates she's a bit more out there than when I knew her...but still. Point being, not all ultra-wealthy and beautiful twentysomething women are anything at all like Paris Hilton. She's her own psychopathy. Or America's. Or something.
1. She was moderately good friends with my (then) wife.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 6:38 PM on June 9, 2007

I find her ugly, but then I look in the mirror and find myself ugly. I mean, I don't see how Hilton's physical appearance enters into the equation. Beauty is skin deep and in Hilton's case, ..not even.

Is it then that we question whether or not this ugly spoiled girl deserves all this attention, fame, money, and occasional trips to the slammer or rehab?

Is it not simply envy and some vague sense of injustice that causes us to rubberneck at her life like she were a carwreck?
posted by ZachsMind at 7:11 PM on June 9, 2007

Yeah, I don't think Paris Hilton is very attractive, either. I won't say "ugly", as it seems like we're not limiting the context here and she's a ways away from "ugly" in the grand scheme of things. But I certainly don't find her very attractive at all. I strongly prefer cute and warm over Cosmo cold and "beautiful/sexy" and, disregarding how well Hilton fares in that b/s context, she's still over on that side of things and far, far away from anything remotely cute. And her nose is wrong. She's too made up. I guess other than her face, the rest of her body is okay. But being nicely proportioned or whatever seems to me to be common and unremarkable. I'm the kind of guy that hardly notices a figure unless it's notable in some bad way. All I really focus on is a woman's face. And Paris Hilton's face is not attractive to me. In fact, her face is kind of spooky. The photo of her crying is the most human I've ever seen her look.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 7:29 PM on June 9, 2007

In any case, I wasn't trying to imply that everyone had to find Paris appealing, but that condemning her as physically ugly was simply being contrary.

Somehow we're miscommunicating. I don't find her unappealing; it's way beyond that. Without being the least bit invested in "what she stands for" (whatever that is), I find her ugly. As in extremely difficult to look at. That's a very different feeling than "I just don't happen to be attracted to her." Ynoxas sums up my reaction to her really well.

In the same way that you don't mean to imply that "everyone had to find Paris appealing," I don't mean to imply that everyone needs to find her ugly (which would be an absurd statement) or that she's somehow definitively ugly in some physical-law sense (an even more absurd statement).
posted by grumblebee at 7:48 PM on June 9, 2007

The photo of her crying is the most human I've ever seen her look.

That's funny. I had the exact same reaction, but I was too chicken to write it here.
posted by grumblebee at 7:51 PM on June 9, 2007

Her features are just unflattering.

Indeed. Paris Hilton is so spoiled, even her eye is lazy.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 8:35 PM on June 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

The photo of her crying is the most human I've ever seen her look.

That's funny. I had the exact same reaction, but I was too chicken to write it here.

Yeah, me too! I saw the picture of her crying, and my first thought was, "Oh, hey, she's kind of pretty, isn't she?"
posted by infinitywaltz at 9:46 PM on June 9, 2007

My wifes take on this: Why are they (Paris & family) making such a big deal out of this? It's like she's being sent off to be executed or something.
posted by Artw at 10:02 PM on June 9, 2007

Curiously, Hilton seems to get it more than the media:

"I must also say that I was shocked to see all of the attention devoted to the amount of time I would spend in jail for what I had done by the media, public and city officials," Hilton said in the Saturday statement.

"I would hope going forward that the public and the media will focus on more important things, like the men and women serving our country in Iraq, Afghanistan and other places around the world."

This may be the first time in her life that she's asked the camera to look somewhere else.
posted by Joey Michaels at 11:10 PM on June 9, 2007

Why are they (Paris & family) making such a big deal out of this?

'Cause her parents failed to raise her properly.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:14 AM on June 10, 2007

I would like to direct everyone's attention to Nick Ut, the photographer responsible for the famous picture of Paris Hilton crying.

35 years earlier, to the day, he had taken the famous photo of a little girl getting napalmed in Vietnam.
posted by Sticherbeast at 2:20 AM on June 11, 2007

35 years earlier, to the day, he had taken the famous photo of a little girl getting napalmed in Vietnam.

He seems to have a knack for capturing frightened, crying little girls.
posted by pardonyou? at 7:27 AM on June 11, 2007

Wait, someone took a picture of Paris Hilton getting napalmed??? Fuck, THIS I gotta see!!!!
posted by nevercalm at 9:40 AM on June 11, 2007

Paris Hilton says she will no longer ‘act dumb’:

Imprisoned hotel heiress Paris Hilton has said she believes God has given her a new chance and she plans to stop acting dumb and put her influence to good use.

....“I’m not the same person I was,” Hilton told [Barbara] Walters. “I used to act dumb. It was an act. I am 26 years old, and that act is no longer cute. It is not who I am, nor do I want to be that person for the young girls who looked up to me. I know now that I can make a difference, that I have the power to do that. I have been thinking that I want to do different things when I am out of here. I have become much more spiritual. God has given me this new chance.”

....“I feel that the purpose of my life is to be where I am,” Hilton told Walters. “My spirit or soul did not like the way I was being seen and that is why I was sent to jail. God has released me.”

Hollywood Redemption: Go to Rehab or Find God!
posted by ericb at 11:27 AM on June 11, 2007

Jesus has come back to Earth as Paris Hilton? I didn't see that coming.
posted by chunking express at 11:45 AM on June 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

"Stuck in my own trap of writing about a nonsubject, I think I can defend my own self-respect, and also the integrity of a lost girl, by saying two things. First, the trivial doings of Paris Hilton are of no importance to me, or anyone else, and I should not be forced to contemplate them. Second, she should be left alone to lead such a life as has been left to her. If this seems paradoxical, then very well."

Christopher Hitchens has a point, although he slathers it with Sarah Silverman hatred, which makes me mad.
posted by kosem at 11:56 AM on June 11, 2007

Imprisoned hotel heiress Paris Hilton has said she believes God has given her a new chance and she plans to stop acting dumb and put her influence to good use.

Now she expects to believe that she's both smart and able to act?!
posted by orange swan at 12:58 PM on June 11, 2007

Imprisoned hotel heiress Paris Hilton has said she believes God has given her a new chance and she plans to stop acting dumb and put her influence to good use.

Good. Hope for the best and then stop talking, posting, or thinking about it. Gone. Good day. Next distraction, please.
posted by Burhanistan at 1:25 PM on June 11, 2007

Music video: Paris Hilton Goes back to Jail from OMovies.com.
posted by ericb at 4:52 PM on June 11, 2007

Sarah Silverman (a culpably unfunny person)

Wow, after a brief interlude of sense-making over the Flawel thing Hitchens is back to being completely fucking wrong about everything with a vengence isn't he?
posted by Artw at 4:56 PM on June 11, 2007

I dunno. If you didn't find Sarah Silverman funny¹, you'd probably find her pretty aggressively unfunny.

¹Call this "metaphorical vikingism"
posted by cortex at 5:00 PM on June 11, 2007

First, the trivial doings of Paris Hilton are of no importance to me, or anyone else, and I should not be forced to contemplate them. Second, she should be left alone to lead such a life as has been left to her. Third, I would welcome an opportunity to teach her the nuances of civilized drinking, such as how to be pissed to the gills without acting the fool or having awkward encounters with local officers of the peace. I repeat, her trivial doings mean naught to me, but anything involving spirits and the public perception of those who have dedicated their lives to them is hardly trivial, is it?
posted by pyramid termite at 1:01 AM on June 12, 2007

civilised ... DAMN IT!!
posted by pyramid termite at 1:06 AM on June 12, 2007

Third, I would welcome an opportunity to teach her the nuances of civilized drinking, such as how to be pissed to the gills without acting the fool or having awkward encounters with local officers of the peace.

Care to share? I can't imagine how you get "pissed to the gills" and still manage to make smart choices. Honestly, if you have the answer, I'll be happy to collaborate with you on a self-help book called "The Responsible Drunk." We'll make millions.
posted by grumblebee at 7:40 AM on June 12, 2007

1. Favor relative silence over hollerin'.
2. Don't start anything.
3. Travel from handhold to handhold.
posted by cortex at 7:43 AM on June 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

Yeah, those are great ideas. The problem is caring and remembering when you're drunk off your ass.
posted by grumblebee at 7:47 AM on June 12, 2007

Ah, therein lies the need for discipline and practice. Make a bit of a litany of it. Zen boozing.
posted by cortex at 7:56 AM on June 12, 2007

Taoist Boozong

1. Drink Alcoholic Beverage
2. Drink Another Alcoholic Beverage
3. Return to Step 1, if Desired
4. Walk This Way

posted by Ethereal Bligh at 12:24 PM on June 12, 2007

I've met daoists, I've seen the world through their eyes, I've experience things they've experienced. You sir, are no Daoist.
posted by Burhanistan at 12:37 PM on June 12, 2007

All right, who gave Burhanistan the fake Taoist Certification Authority badge? Did you tell him it was a joke? Did you tell him that there's not a “Taoist Certification Authority”? Not your fault, eh? He's a bit of a prig? I see. Well, show him to the door—surely there's some Mormons he could be harassing. Meanwhile, Taoists: back to step #1!
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 1:00 PM on June 12, 2007

There were three friends
Discussing life.
One said:
"Can we live together
and know nothing of it?
Work together
and produce nothing?
Can people fly around in space
and still forget to exist
World without end?"

The three friends looked at each other
and burst out laughing.
They had no explanation.
Thus they were better friends than before.

Then one friend died.
Confucius sent a disciple
to help the other two
Chant the traditional funeral ritual.

His disciple found that one of them had composed a song.
While the other played the lute,
They sang:

"Hey, Sung Hu!
Where'd you go?
You have gone
Where you were before.
And we are here--
Damn it! We are here!"

Then the disciple of Confucius burst in on them and exclaimed:
"May I inquire where in the funeral ritual it allows you
to sing so irreverently in the presence of the departed?"

The two friends looked at each other, smiled, and said:
"Well trained in liturgy,
but the poor fellow doesn't understand life and death!"

Freely adapted from Thomas Merton, The Way of Chuang-Tzu
(New York: New Directions, 1965), pp.54-55.
posted by taosbat at 4:44 PM on June 12, 2007