Home Semen Detection Kit

June 12, 2007 9:16 AM

Has some strange man been having orgasms inside your wife or daughter? Sure, you may think not, but can you be sure?? You can now, thanks to the revolutionary new CheckMate (get it) Semen Detection Kit that is not, in fact, a joke despite how absolutely creepy it seems.
posted by jonson (66 comments total)

Oh, my....

(puts popcorn in microwave)
posted by pax digita at 9:19 AM on June 12, 2007

After sexual intercourse, all women experience "Flowback." This "Flowback" causes a woman to have dried and or invisible traces of semen in her undergarments long after every sexual encounter.

Ha-hah!
posted by KokuRyu at 9:19 AM on June 12, 2007

Metafilter: "I was masturbating on the golf course."
posted by peeedro at 9:19 AM on June 12, 2007

CheckMate
posted by caddis at 9:20 AM on June 12, 2007

So, you can check on your husband's fidelity by looking for his sperm in his unmentionables?

It isn't safe to masturbate ever again gents.
posted by munchingzombie at 9:21 AM on June 12, 2007

After sexual intercourse, all women experience "Flowback."

Except for the ones that used a condom.

On Sunday morning he left the house and told you he was going to play golf. Then, when he came home and took a shower, you grabbed his underwear and did the test. If you detected semen, what is he going to say?

"You did WHAT with my underwear, you fucking psycho?"
posted by grouse at 9:22 AM on June 12, 2007 [21 favorites]

So they send you a UV LED?
posted by DU at 9:23 AM on June 12, 2007

Does it work on blue dresses?
posted by caddis at 9:24 AM on June 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

For some reason, I feel sick to my stomach.
posted by papakwanz at 9:30 AM on June 12, 2007

Well, you know, if you just keep your wife and daughter locked in the basement all the time, you don't have to worry about semen that isn't yours in their undies!
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 9:31 AM on June 12, 2007 [2 favorites]

Waitasec, how does a potentially jilted husband not know that it's not his own semen that he's detected on his lovely's panties? I can't imagine that this $49.95 test includes DNA comparison technology. Useless rubbish.
posted by TheNakedPixel at 9:34 AM on June 12, 2007

I don't need no stinkin' kit. Even if she's completely faithful, I know my wife probably has been with a very strange man.
posted by Dave Faris at 9:34 AM on June 12, 2007 [11 favorites]

Double post, and Pepsi pearl?
posted by mr_crash_davis at 9:39 AM on June 12, 2007

...invisible traces of dried semen can easily be detected for up to 2 years or even longer.

Sure. "I know she's been cheating. The semen couldn't be mine, because we haven't had sex in three years."
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:39 AM on June 12, 2007

eponysterical. big time.
posted by spicynuts at 9:42 AM on June 12, 2007

i would hope that if your significant other is having unprotected sex with a man, that the cheating itself shouldn't bee too high up on your list of concerns.

safe sex, people! safe sex!

...and i guess you ought to have not had sex with your SO for up to two years, since that's how long it's detectable. lame.
posted by plaingurl at 9:42 AM on June 12, 2007

They should sell the key logger at the bottom of the page at a discount if you purchase this item.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:45 AM on June 12, 2007

This isn't just creepy, it's a waste of money. You can detect semen residue with a $5 black light. Doesn't anyone here watch local news segments about filthy hotel rooms?
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 9:49 AM on June 12, 2007

This is why i masturbate into all of my underclothes. That way it's always a false positive.
posted by jbelshaw at 9:53 AM on June 12, 2007 [4 favorites]

I will not rest until I find another use for the "smegmablue" tag.
posted by brundlefly at 9:53 AM on June 12, 2007

easy solution: Don't wear any underwear.
posted by kigpig at 9:54 AM on June 12, 2007

plaingurl: ...and i guess you ought to have not had sex with your SO for up to two years, since that's how long it's detectable. lame.

Oh, but it's totally worth it when you get to whip out the positive test result and proclaim, "ha-HA!! CHECK. MATE." and claim that moral high ground. Churn the butter, churn the butter..!

(and have fun churnin that butter...)
posted by LordSludge at 9:55 AM on June 12, 2007

easier solution: Swallow.

I'll get back to my lunch now.
posted by LordSludge at 9:56 AM on June 12, 2007

If your mate has -really- been sleeping around, you'll also want the optional Seaman Detection Kit. It detects unique chemical signatures found in military khaki and winter blue uniforms. For an additional $60, the Platinum model detects parrot feathers and comes with a UV light to find peg marks on your floor.
posted by hodyoaten at 9:58 AM on June 12, 2007 [7 favorites]

Ow, she’s a Brick-Hauuuse. She’s amighty mighty, letting it all hang out. The clothes she wears, her sexy ways,
Makes her, ol' man wish, for younger days yeah yeah.
*funkdetectionfilter*

“Check Mate” jeez, who’s the paranoid freak who comes up with these names. Like there’s some intricate machiavellian drama going on within your home, but this product will - in the manner of a grandmaster strategist - manipulate and trap your spouse or daughter into chastity. Ha ha! You can’t have sex without me knowing about it! Acknowlege my victory!
posted by Smedleyman at 10:10 AM on June 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

"My father used CheckMate to test my panties for semen residue and learned that I was having sex with my boyfriend, so he disowned me. At that point, I figured that since my father knew I was sexually active, I may as well make the best of the situation. That's how I began my lucrative career in hard-core pornography. Thanks, CheckMate!"
posted by Faint of Butt at 10:17 AM on June 12, 2007

posted by jonson (26 comments total) [add to favorites] [!]

That's how we know you've been here.
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 10:19 AM on June 12, 2007

Flowback is better than blowback.
posted by NationalKato at 10:26 AM on June 12, 2007

Isn't blowback a freebie that prostitutes give loyal customers?

Yes, if you tip well, etc.
posted by lalochezia at 10:35 AM on June 12, 2007

"On Sunday morning he left the house and told you he was going to play golf. Then, when he came home and took a shower, you grabbed his underwear and did the test. If you detected semen, what is he going to say? "I was masturbating on the golf course.""

Masturbating on the golf course? I invented that!
posted by klangklangston at 10:36 AM on June 12, 2007

Or "I jizzed all over my boxers to see if you were a snooping paranoic, honey. Check and mate."
posted by klangklangston at 10:37 AM on June 12, 2007

Not for me. My wife does not wear undergarments.
posted by Postroad at 10:38 AM on June 12, 2007

That's how we know you've been here.

My residue is detectable up to TWO years!! Unfortunately, my ability to check for double posts only goes back five & a half years, apparently.
posted by jonson at 10:38 AM on June 12, 2007

2 years? bah, read on....
"Some studies have shown traces of semen remaining on unwashed material for almost 40 years!"

And it gets better, they have a "how to catch a cheater" section-

Place a digital voice recorder in the glove box of his car. It will allow you to listen to both his cell phone and in-car conversations. Sure, it's a violation of his privacy, but hey, he is violating your trust!
posted by TechnoLustLuddite at 10:43 AM on June 12, 2007

Has some strange man been having orgasms inside your wife or daughter?

What if he has them outside, then what? Our sprinkler system is broken.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:44 AM on June 12, 2007

She could just cheat with other women.
posted by misha at 10:46 AM on June 12, 2007

but.. what if he just jerks off on her chastity belt? i mean, i can't sneakily test that, it doesn't come off!
posted by mr_book at 10:54 AM on June 12, 2007

What about anal? Is there still "flowback"?
posted by triolus at 11:22 AM on June 12, 2007

No, just Santorum.
posted by NationalKato at 11:24 AM on June 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

Masturbating on the golf course? I invented that!

I think there is prior art, and now with the CheckMate I can prove it!
posted by grouse at 11:40 AM on June 12, 2007

If I'd known home testing was going to be this much fun, I'd have begun home schooling years ago! No potential child left behind!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:46 AM on June 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

She could just cheat with other women.
posted by misha at 12:46 PM on June 12

Here's hopin'.

And truthfully, despite the creepy factor, I'm not entirely sure I am against this if you have a daughter.

I don't care if she's having sex. But, if it goes positive, that means, as mentioned above, she's having unprotected sex.

That, as her parent, I would be interested in.
posted by Ynoxas at 11:48 AM on June 12, 2007

I think there is prior art, and now with the CheckMate I can prove it!

Be sure to let Art know, huh?
posted by adamgreenfield at 11:55 AM on June 12, 2007

eponysterical. big time.
posted by spicynuts at 12:42 PM on June 12

Even the eponysterical is eponysterical!
posted by fungible at 12:00 PM on June 12, 2007

Flowback is yet another good name for a band.

with their new album "two years"
posted by davejay at 12:01 PM on June 12, 2007

Even the eponysterical is eponysterical!
eponystereo


That, as her parent, I would be interested in.

And you, having closely examined and chemically tested the crotch area of your her underpants, is what your daughter will be interested in weirded out for life by.
posted by peacay at 12:09 PM on June 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

Jesus. It's not like trace amounts semen in a dude's drawers is a binary state, had-sex or didn't-have-sex. You dribble before you shoot, and all that. I'd even go so far as to say it would be near impossible to find a pair of undies that have been worn for a day that didn't contain trace amounts. We are guys, we get turned on by just about anything.
posted by Rhomboid at 12:27 PM on June 12, 2007

And truthfully, despite the creepy factor, I'm not entirely sure I am against this if you have a daughter.

Stay out of your daughter's panties please.
posted by caddis at 12:35 PM on June 12, 2007

Double post

Indeed, however the website from the original post now links to this

From semen detection to plus size in 5 1/2 years...
posted by ob at 12:39 PM on June 12, 2007

I find the following wording exceedingly creepy:

the infidelity of a cheating spouse or of a sexually active teen.

So, a sexually active teen is by definition "cheating"? Is she cheating on her parents, then? On God?
posted by treepour at 12:49 PM on June 12, 2007

Actually I heard that Hollywood is making an updated version of Othello and the checkmate [TM] is the device that Iago uses to supposedly prove Desdemona's infidelity. Of course we the audience know that it's actually his own spoo. The masturbation scene of the golf course is ripe with symbolism.
posted by ob at 12:53 PM on June 12, 2007 [2 favorites]

hodyoaten, does it work on summer whites and on dungarees?
posted by pax digita at 1:08 PM on June 12, 2007

That, as her parent, I would be interested in.

And when you confront her with the fact that you've been "sniffing" her underpants for semen, you expect her reaction would be... what?

I hope you have a good criminal defense attorney ("Yes, sir. Now, please explain again exactly what you were doing with your daughter's panties?") and a lot of money for therapy. She'll need some couch time after you "CheckMate" her.
posted by mstefan at 1:55 PM on June 12, 2007

THE SEMEN IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!!!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:56 PM on June 12, 2007 [6 favorites]

"honey, the other members of my foursome told me we'd get through the course a lot faster if i just stayed in the cart, drank and jerked off instead of actually playing the holes."
posted by bruce at 2:09 PM on June 12, 2007

I don't care if she's having sex. But, if it goes positive, that means, as mentioned above, she's having unprotected sex.

That, as her parent, I would be interested in.

You could, you know, just ask her. Or check if she needs some condoms, and offer to buy them if she's a bit too inhibited or something. I mean, speaking theoretically and all.
posted by jokeefe at 2:47 PM on June 12, 2007

No wonder one of their best customers is the US Navy. They have a lot of seamen.
posted by Foam Pants at 3:57 PM on June 12, 2007

From the "Test a Man" section:

even if he only engages in oral sex, there will still be traces of semen in his underwear.

What? Maybe the dude was just lazy in cleaning up after whacking it.
posted by chiababe at 4:11 PM on June 12, 2007

even if he only engages in oral sex, there will still be traces of semen in his underwear.

And if there's nothing in his underwear, you might want to check his tonsils just to make sure.
posted by Faint of Butt at 6:43 PM on June 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

You know who else had semen inside?

Your mom.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 6:44 PM on June 12, 2007

For men, totally absurd. My late partner was such a hornytoad, he wore holes in his shorts from leakage. If it was wood, it was wet.
posted by Goofyy at 7:42 PM on June 12, 2007

I gotta tell this story...

A coworker of mine owns a piece of rural property that was once part of a larger parcel. The previous owner had built two houses on it, reasonable close together, and when the property was split up the houses also were.

In rural areas with poor drainage and clay, it's common to use a 'septic lagoon', which really is a piss (and other liquids) pond. The two houses share one, based on their original single-owner, and part of the deal for splitting the land.

One day my coworker decides to meet up with his neighbour to do a quick inspection of fencing, etc. They find a few condoms floating on the surface.

"Heh heh. Lookie there!" exclaims the neighbour.

My coworker responds.

"Well, I'm snipped. I don't use them. You're a long-haul trucker, with a wife and two daughters at home."

The neighbours face falls, and he's extremely perturbed. Does he assume that his wife is cheating? His daughters are screwing at home? His wife is allowing his daughters to screw at home?

I wish I was listening in on dinner conversation that evening.
posted by Kickstart70 at 9:47 PM on June 12, 2007

I hope you have a good criminal defense attorney

There's always Al Stokke, the defense attorney who's appeared in a couple of Metafilter threads in recent months. The right to test one's daughter's panties for semen traces seems like a cause he could get behind.
posted by jayder at 11:14 PM on June 12, 2007

I'm not sure what planet some of you live on, but a parent most certainly has the right to inspect their child's undergarments. For heaven's sake, in 99% of households one of the parents would launder them.

Good criminal defense attorney? Please, dial down the drama about 200%.

As I said at first, I realize that it could come across as creepy, but still, given the chances for pregnancy and for venereal disease, I think it might be worth considering if you had a daughter.

It's not like you'd have to take the panties into a family discussion and lay them on the dining room table. You could simply say "I know you're having sex, and I suspect you're having unprotected sex. Here are the consequences of that, and here is what you can do to protect yourself."

How is that some sort of whackjob approach that would require your daughter to have years of therapy and possible criminal investigation into your home?

Some people are so reactionary around here it makes discussion of any topic almost impossible.
posted by Ynoxas at 9:40 AM on June 13, 2007

You could simply say "I know you're having sex, and I suspect you're having unprotected sex. Here are the consequences of that, and here is what you can do to protect yourself."

And when she says "No, I'm not", what's your next move? At some point if you want to move beyond the idea that you're merely paranoid about your daughter's sex life, you'll have to provide the "proof". And at that point, many people would think you've traversed the line between "concerned father" and "pervert".

And you think the comment about criminal prosecution is high drama? Keep in mind that in most states, Child Protective Services (or the equivalent) have a mandate to intervene first, and ask questions later. If you're testing your daughter's panties for sperm, and your daughter or someone else in the family brings that to their attention (probably in an extremely pissed off state), I can guarantee you that authorities are going to be asking what else you might possibly be doing. In this day and age, it really isn't a stretch.

Asking your daughter about her sex life is one thing. Testing her underwear for sperm residue is on the otherside of creepy, and just a bad idea all the way around.
posted by mstefan at 9:49 AM on June 13, 2007

I can understand wanting to know if your underage daughter is having sex.

But a parent with any sense of their teenage daughter's personal dignity would not decide, "I need to find out if sperm is oozing out of my teenaged daughter's vagina."

But if parents are going to pursue such a pathetic investigation, maybe the company that makes these tests can add a feature that tests the skid-marks for drug residue.
posted by jayder at 11:04 AM on June 13, 2007