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June 12, 2007 8:13 PM   Subscribe

A new agony aunt for you. He beat me after I cheated... can I fix this or should I leave? More examples inside.
posted by bigmusic (35 comments total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

 
Recently, when I was out in public i've been hearing people calling me fat. That makes me feel awful and ashamed of myself. Why are people so mean? Why do they do this? I am 5 feet 4, and 138 pounds.
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I'm obsessed with my 30 year old teacher! I can't go on like this--what should I do?
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I fancy my aunt like mad, even although she's married. Should I try anything on with her?
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How do I bring up the subject of my fiery girlfriend's smelly punani with her?
posted by bigmusic at 8:14 PM on June 12, 2007


1) No, and yes.
2) People suck. Really, they suck.
3) Nail her.
4) Absolutely.
5) Vomit during cunnilingus.

Next?
posted by mr_crash_davis at 8:22 PM on June 12, 2007


What is YOUR question?
posted by longsleeves at 8:23 PM on June 12, 2007


Wow, that's a lot of inaccurate answers. In particular, the last one in your 'more inside': yeast infections don't smell. Sheesh.
posted by Hildegarde at 8:23 PM on June 12, 2007


Cut 'em a break, Hildegarde. Actual yeast infections may not smell, but bacterial vaginosis sure as heck does and most people actually have bacterial vaginosis when they think they have a yeast infection.
posted by Justinian at 8:26 PM on June 12, 2007


Man, someone should flag the hell out of that chatfilter.
posted by cortex at 8:35 PM on June 12, 2007


He calls out his 17 year old daughter's name in bed and he likes underage porn! What is going on with this guy?

is this a sister site of The Onion(tm)?
posted by geos at 8:39 PM on June 12, 2007


Seems like it is a site that caters to the attention-seekers who spend all day posting fake confessions to sites like grouphug.us.
posted by nightchrome at 8:47 PM on June 12, 2007


Are they just making these up? These seem an order of magnitude more fucked up than the 'should I have my landlord declawed' stuff we get here...
posted by pompomtom at 8:52 PM on June 12, 2007


Are they just making these up? These seem an order of magnitude more fucked up than the 'should I have my landlord declawed' stuff we get here...

I promise never to complain about the moderators.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:01 PM on June 12, 2007


askme is doomed! Dooooooooomed.
posted by boo_radley at 9:05 PM on June 12, 2007


Apparently I live under a rock, as I have previously not encountered the term "punani" in my various and sundry endeavors. Thankfully the Wikipedia entry enlightened me, though I was able to suss out the meaning through context.

Sadly though, "punani" does not rhythm with "wang" or "dang".
posted by Tube at 9:07 PM on June 12, 2007


Apparently I live under a rock, as I have previously not encountered the term "punani" in my various and sundry endeavors.

The more cultured among us no doubt recall its usage in the Methods Of Mayhem song "Get Naked."
posted by Sticherbeast at 9:15 PM on June 12, 2007


I need a shower now. Ugh.
posted by misha at 9:32 PM on June 12, 2007


Dear Cupid,

My sister just told me I've won a makeover from the Maury Povich show. I was really excited at first, but I watch Maury every day, so I'm worried it's not really a makeover. Should I go?

P.S. - I suspect my husband may be cheating on me with someone in the family, but I can't prove it, and I don't know who it could be. How can I find out?
posted by katillathehun at 9:55 PM on June 12, 2007 [6 favorites]


How do I bring up the subject of my fiery girlfriend's smelly punani with her?

Well the problem here seems to to be inappropriate use of thongs

Buy your fiery girl some nice underwear.
posted by mattoxic at 10:15 PM on June 12, 2007


Isn't "punani" one of those tasty grilled sandwiches? That's some hot ciabatta you got there babe...
posted by sparkzy at 10:25 PM on June 12, 2007


Dear Cupid,

I like women and generally enjoy plain vanilla sexual encounters with them because, well, we're naked and doing it. What's wrong with me? Also, I have an exactly average-sized penis complete with foreskin and am completely satisfied with that. Should I be concerned?

Signed,

Regular Dude

P.S. Does the 17-year-old pole vault? Just curious.
posted by maxwelton at 10:27 PM on June 12, 2007


Dear Cupid,

Is the mega-hot pole vaulter 17? I thought she was really 18?

Signed
j-urb


p.s does this make me a bad person?
posted by j-urb at 10:57 PM on June 12, 2007


Sometimes I forget just how awesome AskMe is, then I am reminded. Thanks!
posted by Methylviolet at 11:01 PM on June 12, 2007


Dear Cupid,

Every girl I've ever dated has been kind of weird. Nice, but weird. There was Jenny, who said she just wanted to slip into "something more comfortable" and came out covered in angry, biting squid. Then Margo was nice - until I found out about the anatomically correct Gadget fursuit and the Buffy DVDs. Jane was impossibly cute but I really, really just wasn't that in to marine mammals. Or mackerel. Or sardines. And it might have been OK if it was dolphins or narwhals or something but elephant seals!? Beth was drop dead gorgeous and a dynamo in the sack but I really just couldn't wrap my head around the "recreational keening" 5 times a day. Molly collected bugs. For food. Karen had fantastic taste in music, great hobbies, a fine ass and even a finer sense of independence, but unfortunately there was George. The 52 pound cat with 27 toes... every last claw untrimmed and sharp as a scalpel. Oh, the nightmares haunt me still. Amy was a fascinating conversationalist, but she only talked about dead people. And I was pretty sure I was in love - forever and ever - with Nancy, sweet, sweet, wonderful, one-eyed Nancy. Right up until she lactated chocolate milk.

With a track record like that, you can see why I'm frustrated. So I ask you, Cupid, my last and only hope among hopes - where's a guy like me supposed to go to find the real weirdos?

Signed,

OH GOD THE BATS THE BATS AND FIRE AAAAAGH BATS AND FIRE AGAIN

P.S. Please, please send first aid supplies, as many glow in the dark superballs as you can find - any size or color but glow in the dark no exceptions - and legible copies of the blueprints to the 33rd floor of the Empire State Building! The future of Time itself depends on it!

P.P.S. Any, err, female members of the Blue Blaze Irregulars out there? I have a situation.

posted by loquacious at 11:21 PM on June 12, 2007 [4 favorites]


"even after she has a shower and brushed her teeth"

...teeth8253;
posted by arialblack at 1:00 AM on June 13, 2007


ok no interrobangs...but seriously,
... TEETH ?!
posted by arialblack at 1:02 AM on June 13, 2007


Do you mean teeth?!
posted by imperium at 1:33 AM on June 13, 2007


Sticherbeast writes 'The more cultured among us no doubt recall its usage in the Methods Of Mayhem song "Get Naked."'

I've never even heard of Methods of Mayhem, but I'd be willing to stake a bet that they aren't a Jamaican dancehall/reggae band.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:34 AM on June 13, 2007


Isn't this what Eggxpert.com is for?
posted by Smart Dalek at 5:15 AM on June 13, 2007


From an answer:
Sex, Oral and anal are big with teens hence the increase in teen pregnancies and STDs within teens.

OMG, what will those damn kids think of next? Getting pregnant from oral and anal sex!
posted by Goofyy at 5:21 AM on June 13, 2007


Can you all imagine jessamyn and cortex tearing through that site wielding the twin terrors of the delete hammer and the ban hammer? I imagine it to be something like Paul Bunyan swinging his axe and razing a forest.
posted by Pastabagel at 6:46 AM on June 13, 2007


Pastabagel - it would be more like John Henry and the Steam Piston racing to see who could finish first.
posted by Smart Dalek at 7:58 AM on June 13, 2007


Pastabagel - it would be more like John Henry and the Steam Piston racing to see who could finish first.

"Dear Cupid, I'm having trouble coming to orgasm with my boyfriend, which do you think would be a more effective stimulant: a mechanized steam piston or an enormous coal miner?"
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 8:15 AM on June 13, 2007 [1 favorite]


well first u need to sort out hoo u wont to have sex wiv n hu u dnt wana hav sex wiv cos continuin wiv 2 men at 1 time int tht gud for ur kids sake. the father of the babii deserves to see his biological father ther fore u shud tel the father to ur other kid that wot he said cant work.. therfor u wil have to leave him. do it for ur kids and make sure every1 stays in contact with their biological dads and you. hope i helped
posted by hatchetjack at 8:18 AM on June 13, 2007 [1 favorite]


well first u need to sort out hoo u wont to have sex wiv

Advice columns are written by lolcats now?
posted by Faint of Butt at 8:44 AM on June 13, 2007


first u need to sort out hoo u wont to have sex wiv. den sort dem owfabetically, broken down by kronologikl subkatregories. affer dat, u just import dem in2 ur sidekick an hope it dont get haxxed.
posted by katillathehun at 9:19 AM on June 13, 2007


These people... they vote?
posted by Navelgazer at 12:37 PM on June 13, 2007


Dude, these people don't even shave yet
posted by blag at 6:37 PM on June 13, 2007


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