That’s what this is all about, the “New World Order”.

June 13, 2007 1:44 PM

In 2008 Elect “Independent” Don Cordell For President, of the “United States of America” our, “America the Beautiful” OR, You “will be” “Citizens” of The: UNITED NATION’S, “NEW WORLD ORDER”
posted by brett (57 comments total)

Eh, he's unelectable, but maybe as a running mate with Gene Ray, who has huge appeal amongst perpetual energy enthusiasts and nascar dads.
posted by phrontist at 1:46 PM on June 13, 2007

I just came in to make sure that there was a "batshitinsane" tag, as required by protocol. Well done, brett.
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:53 PM on June 13, 2007

So, does this crap only come into vogue when the Republicans are on their way out of power?
posted by Artw at 1:55 PM on June 13, 2007

To save others the trouble of reading the whole thing, here's his exciting conclusion:

Some printers allow you to print files in “Black only” if you wish.

Words to live by!
posted by languagehat at 1:56 PM on June 13, 2007

Are you getting mad enough “yet”?

With “your” vote, We “will” retake America, for the “Citizens” of The United States.

“You” deserve an honest government

I “Don Cordell” decided that, YOU need me as your President.

Congress “is” going to wait until after elections

This “used to be” a great nation, now we are despised by many nations.

"Please" "make" "it" "stop". "."
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 1:59 PM on June 13, 2007

It's also funnier and less mind-numbing if you read it aloud and make use of finger quotation marks.
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 2:00 PM on June 13, 2007

Just as George W. Bush minus George H. W. Bush equals Michael Scott, Ron Paul minus inexplicable mainstream fanbase equals Don Cordell.
posted by Pope Guilty at 2:03 PM on June 13, 2007

It's also funnier and less mind-numbing if you read it aloud and make use of finger quotation marks.

This is my approach to most political commentary. I think my brain would implode from the ridiculousness otherwise.
posted by Tehanu at 2:12 PM on June 13, 2007

Has anyone made the "You are all educated stupid" remark yet?
posted by mr_crash_davis at 2:27 PM on June 13, 2007

The New World Order takes over.
posted by kosem at 2:31 PM on June 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

That guy is going to summary quote his ass all the way to 1600 PA Ave, baby.

He should get Margo from A3G to run as VP.
posted by cortex at 2:32 PM on June 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

Hee. NutFilter.
posted by swerve at 2:34 PM on June 13, 2007

I, for one, trust him - he's related to 21 US Presidents, you know.

"AIDS was United Nations-induced for population control."

Beautiful.

@languagehat: someone should maybe tell him that some websites can be built on more than one page, if you wish.
posted by Infinite Jest at 2:37 PM on June 13, 2007

The stuff about his Caddy is worth the price of admission.
posted by joseph_elmhurst at 2:48 PM on June 13, 2007

What! are the Republicans and Democrats going to promise you, to get your vote? NOTHING.

My eyes exploded then.
posted by frobozz at 2:48 PM on June 13, 2007

Look at that photo. The scary old man from your neighborhood is running for president. You always hoped that he would die and his kids would give you back the Frisbee you threw on his roof. But now it will be under a Lucite panel at his presidential library.
posted by Mayor Curley at 2:52 PM on June 13, 2007

When I read this sign posted inside a women's bathroom stall at the place of my former employment:

"PLEASE"
"Flush" The "Toilet"
When "YOU" are Done
--"YOUR MOTHER"--
"Doesn't" Work Here
"CLEAN UP" after 'yourself'

it never occurred to me that it was written by a man, let alone a man who might someday be the leader of my own great nation.

With each flush I salute you, Don Cordell!
posted by maryh at 2:55 PM on June 13, 2007

I'd still take him over Giuliani.
posted by box at 2:57 PM on June 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

Possibly the only candidate who both hates millionaires and hates inheritance tax.
posted by athenian at 3:00 PM on June 13, 2007

Poor crazy bastard.

I'd never vote for someone who uses apostrophes incorrectly.
posted by birdherder at 3:01 PM on June 13, 2007

there wasn't the usual Jesusland shit in their, nor the railing against gays that I was expecting.

pretty cracked out stuff, but.... there were some things in there that were pretty progressive and reasonable for an 80-year old superpatriot.

i'm sure he's a lot of fun to talk to.
posted by dopamine at 3:02 PM on June 13, 2007

*there, not "their" ... i's edukated :(
posted by dopamine at 3:03 PM on June 13, 2007

phrontist: "Eh, he's unelectable, but maybe as a running mate with Gene Ray, who has huge appeal amongst perpetual energy enthusiasts and nascar dads."

When the President shines upon Citizens, 2 - major Election points are created on opposite sides of the country - known as Rightwings and Liberalists. Where the 2 major Election forces join, synergy creates 2 new minor Election points we recognize as Nutbag and Apathy.

The 4-equidistant Election points can be considered as Politics Square imprinted upon the circle of the US. In a single rotation of the Earth sphere, each Election corner point rotates through the other 3-corner Election points, thus creating 16 corners, 96 hours and 4-simultaneous Presidents within a single rotation of Earth - equated to a Higher Order of Election Cube.
posted by Plutor at 3:09 PM on June 13, 2007 [6 favorites]

Grandpa Simpson: Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three.

P.S. I am not a crackpot.
posted by quite unimportant at 3:15 PM on June 13, 2007

Reminds me of my first post here.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 3:16 PM on June 13, 2007

I wouldn't say he's unelectable. I, for one, am changing my vote from Bo Gritz to this guy right away!
posted by SteveTheRed at 3:24 PM on June 13, 2007

Is this the TimeCube guy?
posted by desjardins at 3:41 PM on June 13, 2007

This man listens to a lot of talk radio.
posted by mr_roboto at 3:53 PM on June 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

He's got my "vote".
posted by Astro Zombie at 4:03 PM on June 13, 2007

OK, any html dorks out there, just check out the source. That's batshitinsane all by itself. Waaay more weird than expected.
posted by imperium at 4:05 PM on June 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

I don't know what you all are laughing about. This guy is a serious candidate, as his statistics show:

44% of the voters are now registered as Independents.
Well I’m an Independent running for President to save this nation.

Can you name anyone else who's already got 44% of the voting population locked down? All he needs is a few undecideds in Ohio and Florida, and Cordell is in!
posted by papakwanz at 4:08 PM on June 13, 2007

OMFG, the HTML is the stuff of legends. I'm sure that web designers will come to tell their little designer spawn that if they don't get to bed, the source code from that page will come out of the computer and get them.
posted by lekvar at 4:30 PM on June 13, 2007 [2 favorites]

Sadly it's just how Word outputs HTML...
posted by Artw at 4:35 PM on June 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

imperium: that's "because" he wrote "the whole" thing in M"S" W"or"d and e"xported "to "HTML".
posted by basicchannel at 4:35 PM on June 13, 2007

If you think that's bad try it with Excell...
posted by Artw at 4:36 PM on June 13, 2007

I can't read this all at once. I've got to save some for later, but so far I really like:
4. Hewlett Packard: I have an HP printer G85xi that I paid $300 for 3 years ago, it needs service, HP say’s they don’t repair these, but I can exchange it for a “repaired printer” of lesser quality for only $207. The newer printer uses an ink cartridge that hold half the amount of ink. When I’m elected I’ll make sure the government doesn’t buy “anything” from Hewlett-Packard
posted by BeReasonable at 4:46 PM on June 13, 2007

“Public Law 87-297” (To totally disarm citizens “and” our military)

There's something about that "and", there really is.
posted by Infinite Jest at 4:53 PM on June 13, 2007

Yes! This guy is awesome:

4. Hewlett Packard: I have an HP printer G85xi that I paid $300 for 3 years ago, it needs service, HP say’s they don’t repair these, but I can exchange it for a “repaired printer” of lesser quality for only $207. The newer printer uses an ink cartridge that hold half the amount of ink. When I’m elected I’ll make sure the government doesn’t buy “anything” from Hewlett-Packard
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 4:57 PM on June 13, 2007

spikelee, you and bereasonable should hang out more.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 5:09 PM on June 13, 2007

The Muslims have stirred up a hornet’s nest of trouble. So how do we get out of this situation, and still save face? Only when we start killing all the Muslim citizens, big step

To win, you just totally eliminate everyone in that country, and I do mean everyone, because those women, and children you leave behind will have more children that will someday grow up to hate you, and you’ll have to do the killing all over again. We are told “You can’t kill ALL of them”, sure we can, and we’d better do it, “because” the Muslims want to kill “all” of us.

Someday Germany is again going to attack other countries, who do you think is the dominant ruler right now in the European Union? Hitler must be smiling in his grave.

So no Muslims, Germans or Hewlett Packards. Got it.
posted by JaredSeth at 5:19 PM on June 13, 2007

I've had to sort out HTML code like that before. I normally do a "select all" on the browser page, paste into an editor, and code from scratch. Makes my head hurt remembering it.
posted by maxwelton at 5:21 PM on June 13, 2007

JaredSeth quotes the nutcase thusly: "To win, you just totally eliminate everyone in that country, and I do mean everyone, because those women, and children you leave behind will have more children that will someday grow up to hate you, and you’ll have to do the killing all over again. We are told “You can’t kill ALL of them”, sure we can, and we’d better do it, “because” the Muslims want to kill “all” of us.

"Someday Germany is again going to attack other countries, who do you think is the dominant ruler right now in the European Union? Hitler must be smiling in his grave."


Hold on. Is he pro- or anti-Hitler?
posted by mr_roboto at 5:32 PM on June 13, 2007

Is it possible that "Don" is a "title" (rather than his "first" "name")?
posted by rob511 at 6:24 PM on June 13, 2007

So no Muslims, Germans or Hewlett Packards. Got it.
posted by JaredSeth

Someone at Cadillac will be walking tall before the man, too.
posted by SteveTheRed at 6:27 PM on June 13, 2007

Reads (and looks) like the Book of the Subgenius. Only with 100% less irony.
posted by zardoz at 6:58 PM on June 13, 2007

He has a blog.
posted by brownpau at 7:12 PM on June 13, 2007

Huh, what a nothing. I "want" to be EMPEROR OF THE UNIVERSE. With Quonsar as my "running" Mate.
posted by davy at 7:19 PM on June 13, 2007

I had no idea my father was running for president. He just got my vote.
posted by vagabond at 7:25 PM on June 13, 2007

I like his energy policy:

I will offer the oil producing nations $20/barrel for their oil, or they won’t sell any to “anyone”. I will blockade their nation until they accept our offer. They will not buy anything, from anywhere, unless those products are increased by the same inflation rate that OPEC raised the price of OIL above $2 a barrel.

Attention: “We will run out of oil in the future”, I know we really must start conserving more NOW. Even if we find other fuels for our vehicles in the future, we still need oil for lubrication purposes. We must recycle “all” oil. It is not an endless resource. While gasoline comes from OIL, there are many other products produced from oil, and we need oil for lubrication, and other things other than gasoline.

Americans in most cases did all the exploration, and drilling the wells in these countries back in the 1920’s and 1930’s, that are now oil producers, because those countries had no knowledge, or experience to do this exploration on their own.

In 2005 the OPEC nations are charging $70/barrel for oil, what is to keep them from charging $100, or $200 a barrel? Yet we are selling items to these countries at the old prices, if they want to be greedy, then we will be greedy. They can eat and drink that oil.

If I have to, I will establish our own government run refineries, to control the price of oil in America.

Sounds like a plan.
posted by delmoi at 9:07 PM on June 13, 2007

About 2 1/2 years ago I bought this G 85 printer, it didn't work immediately but I was to busy to worry about it. It cost $299, so now I really need this printer, and upon checking with HP find they no longer service this printer, but the company is all heart, they will take this and exchange it for another repaired printer of a cheaper model for $205, with a whole 90 day warrantee, of course the new printer uses ink cartridges that hold much less ink. Notice how all the new printers use smaller and smaller ink contents, to make more profit, and then to add insult to injury these printers are made in Singapore. Guess when I'm President I'll have to inform the GSA to not buy any HP products.

LOL
posted by delmoi at 9:08 PM on June 13, 2007

"unless your illegal aliens"

....unless my illegal aliens what?
posted by katillathehun at 9:10 PM on June 13, 2007 [3 favorites]

You know who else was from Lancaster?

Not saying this out of snarkiness. I'd have loved to meet Johnson.
posted by roll truck roll at 9:54 PM on June 13, 2007

I like his stance on crime:

"Since when is it illegal to shoot criminals?"

(From the blog)
posted by Infinite Jest at 10:08 PM on June 13, 2007

Do singlepage, long copy websites work?
posted by sveskemus at 1:21 AM on June 14, 2007

Well, considering we use a whole lot of fertilizer derived from oil, we're already eating and drinking it.

I once bought a product that was not good! I will outlaw that company! Rawr!
posted by Talanvor at 1:56 AM on June 14, 2007

from the source code: "<o:Paragraphs>666</o:Paragraphs>" I love it when the mark of the devil appears in the code...
posted by crepeMyrtle at 8:10 AM on June 14, 2007

Imagine being a campaign volunteer for that guy.

I'm doing my part - I'm going to spend three whole minutes brainstorming campaign button quips for him. Let's see:

"Cordell: Feel The Froth!"
"No Water For Death Valley!"
"Cordell: Black Only, If You Wish"

OK, I'm done - I'm bored. Yet, I feel a sense of civic pride by supporting the mentally disturbed for office.
posted by FormlessOne at 3:13 PM on June 14, 2007