Start Your Own Cult, with Dr. Emeril Lazarus

June 16, 2007 2:19 AM

"The time is right, and the time is now! The Lord has spoken to you. He has commanded you to create the New Jerusalem, to prepare for His arrival, to gather the flock, bring together the faithful, spread the Word. Blinded like Paul on his way to Damascus, you are now set to follow His Way. But how do you start such an ambitious project?" Dr. Emeril Lazarus has all the answers.
posted by Kattullus (16 comments total)

I LOLed.
posted by amyms at 3:16 AM on June 16, 2007

People skills can be broken down into two main groupings: attracting people, and then crushing their individuality to your will.

Or, at least, it's always worked for me.
posted by doctor_negative at 4:03 AM on June 16, 2007

Ooooh, I can almost taste the koolaid, where do I sign
posted by mattoxic at 4:05 AM on June 16, 2007

Not koolaid, mattoxic... That's for politics... Religious cults prefer FlavorAid.
posted by amyms at 4:09 AM on June 16, 2007

hehehe
posted by zouhair at 4:26 AM on June 16, 2007

Some cults have found in beneficial to dispense with sexual urges entirely, believing them to be unclean and influenced, perhaps, by the Devil or other Evil Forces That Lurk Unseen. If this describes you and your organization this article is not for you! Check my article on Castration instead.

No thanks! I'll stick with "Controlling Sexual Attractions" instead.
posted by imperium at 5:04 AM on June 16, 2007

Let's kick it up a notch.
posted by three blind mice at 7:03 AM on June 16, 2007

A wonderful resource, Kattallus, thanks much for this valuable link.
posted by Meatbomb at 7:26 AM on June 16, 2007

The Cult.
posted by priyatam at 7:41 AM on June 16, 2007

My black Nikes are itching my feet.
posted by miss lynnster at 9:26 AM on June 16, 2007

That'd be the flames of hell licking at your heels, Miss Lynnster.
posted by ZachsMind at 9:59 AM on June 16, 2007

check the Castration article- "don't waste the protein" !!!
posted by kch at 6:05 PM on June 16, 2007

one more:
"but here are a few things to keep in mind. Look for sites on magnetic meridiens for better channelling of Telluric Currents. Do not worry about being too far from Jerusalem--I have received a prophecy that God will be destroying it in a few years anyway."
posted by kch at 6:11 PM on June 16, 2007

I have received a prophecy that God wants us to stop believing in Him.

He's been getting razzed by the other pan-dimensional interstellar immortal beings. Whenever he tries to get a word in edgewise they're like, "why don't you just go play with that humanity of yours on that little speck you used to fawn over? Got any more children you can let them kill for you?"

He really wishes we'd stop praying to Him too, cuz that just gives His peers more ammunition with which to make fun of Him.

We're embarrassing Him.
posted by ZachsMind at 8:02 PM on June 16, 2007

As soon as a movie critic says a movie is going to become a cult classic, it is doomed to be a boring, forgotten movie.

I think religious cults are the same thing. You can't call it a cult. It has to become one on its own. It is like a comedian asking people to clap for him. If he has to do that you know he isn't funny. If a religion calls itself a cult, you know it really isn't.
posted by eye of newt at 9:58 PM on June 17, 2007

Here you go.
posted by priyatam at 11:27 AM on June 19, 2007