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Alvin and the Chipfunks
July 7, 2007 2:35 PM   Subscribe

Life imitates art. Everybody loses.
posted by BlackLeotardFront (83 comments total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

 
I can't motherfucking wait to get jiggy with those fly hip-hoppin chipmunks. Christmas 2007 is looking to be radical!
posted by item at 2:41 PM on July 7, 2007


Ruxpin is TOTALLY going to suck.
posted by jonson at 2:42 PM on July 7, 2007


If David Cross is in it, I must hold judgement, for that is how much faith I have in David Cross' subversive abilities.

That said, it's ALWAYS a bad sign when a movie that's supposed to be in post-production and come out in five months has "This plot synopsis is empty. Add a synopsis." on imdb.
posted by miss lynnster at 2:44 PM on July 7, 2007 [1 favorite]


Didn't Jason Lee have a career once? Isn't it a little early for him to have to stoop this low?
posted by lekvar at 2:46 PM on July 7, 2007


I've been a Jason Lee fan for a long time, and even knowing that he subscribes to that scientology hoobajoob hasn't taken away from his ability to entertain me. I can keep this streak alive by avoiding that movie like a plague, just like I did with A Guy Thing and Jersey Girl, and will do with Underdog.

I figure the cost of being a working actor is to take a few forgettable roles now and again to keep the bills paid.
posted by davelog at 2:51 PM on July 7, 2007


It hasn't stopped Bill Murray.
posted by item at 2:51 PM on July 7, 2007


i can't believe i just linked to the garfield movie. i need a(nother) drink.
posted by item at 2:52 PM on July 7, 2007 [1 favorite]


Dammit. "Hipmunks" would have been a better title.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 2:53 PM on July 7, 2007


There is so much fascinating subtext in that Alvin and the Chipmunks poster. Namely, that the chipmunks are now black (Yes, I'm associating hip hop with being black, when they could just as easily be the Beastie Boys, but stick with me here). Has Alvin and the Chipmunks always been about a white man in control of a poor black ophaned family's music career? I mean, it's not like the chipmunks ever saw any of the money they made from performing day in and day out for their "father" Dave. I mean, do you remember that pimp house Dave had? Chipmunks never fucking saw a dime of what they made.

Don't even start me on the Chipettes. Obviously there was some kind of breeding effort here.
posted by Stan Chin at 2:55 PM on July 7, 2007 [3 favorites]


PvP for the win.

"It's supposed to be for kids, you ass! ... Every movie isn't made just for you!"
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:56 PM on July 7, 2007 [1 favorite]


I, for one, will not forego any movie featuring the dramatic stylings of Greg 'G-Spot' Siebel.
posted by PlusDistance at 2:57 PM on July 7, 2007


jonson: "Ruxpin is TOTALLY going to suck."

I dunno. So far it's looking pretty bearable.
posted by Effigy2000 at 3:01 PM on July 7, 2007


Looking at the poster again, not only did I not previously understand that the Chipmunks were possibly African American, I had NO FREAKIN' IDEA that Alvin was the Unabomber (thus, also possibly the Zodiac Killer...?).

So I'm changing my vote... this movie's gonna kick ass.
posted by miss lynnster at 3:01 PM on July 7, 2007


Plusdistance, that guy Greg has the kind of face that just begs to be punched, doesn't he?
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 3:01 PM on July 7, 2007


Jason Lee's a scientologist? Dang.

I haven't been watching "My Name Is Earl" anyway, though the first couple episodes were moderately funny. Now I'm glad I didn't. I'm trying to actively avoid any and all scientologists. I'm also seriously contemplating not supporting the efforts of jews, christians, muslims, pagans, zorastrians, buddhists, aetheists, agnostics, jews-for-jesus, or anyone who is either not a subgenius, or not a nothing-in-particular-and-don't-know-why-you-keep-asking-cuz-its-silly.

Particularly scientologists though cuz I find boycotting them amuses me. I should probably commit this list to memory, but that feels too much like memorizing bible verses, so I'll resist the tempation.
posted by ZachsMind at 3:06 PM on July 7, 2007 [2 favorites]


There is only one Chipmunk-derivative property worth seeing...
Elwe and the Tree Weasels!

Warning: Single-link YouTube/Ralph Bakshi/John K.-Filter
posted by lekvar at 3:08 PM on July 7, 2007


Re: Ruxpin

When I saw that, I said to a co-worker, "You know, I heard that he's an ex-cop with a chip on his shoulder. He drinks too much because he's seen too much. Rumor has it that there is a scene where he beats a man nearly to death with his bear bare paws, really edge stuff. "

This was overheard by another co-worker who said with great gullibility "Really? That's quite a change from the kids toy, isn't it?"
posted by quin at 3:10 PM on July 7, 2007


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
posted by shakespeherian at 3:14 PM on July 7, 2007


oh hell no.
posted by puke & cry at 3:15 PM on July 7, 2007


I can already hear the white corporate-approved pseudo-hip hop reinterpretation of the theme song:

A-Alvin!
Simon!
Th-Th-Th-Theodore!
posted by shakespeherian at 3:16 PM on July 7, 2007 [1 favorite]


doo. doo. doo-doo-doo-do-DOO!
posted by dopamine at 3:23 PM on July 7, 2007 [1 favorite]


Crap.
posted by darkstar at 3:28 PM on July 7, 2007


Ah, funny enough, Newgrounds got to the root of my concern and got sued for it. The Chipmunks Gangsta Rap.
posted by Stan Chin at 3:29 PM on July 7, 2007


PvP is not for the win. Neither is Alvin and the Chipmunks.
posted by voltairemodern at 3:35 PM on July 7, 2007


SCENE: [Alvin, recovering from street gunfight. He's just been shot. Nine times. NINE. He lies in bed, bandaged, pen in hand, looking downward at his rhymebook. Apprehensive. Cue slow beat, slow zoom onto notebook. Outside, a storm rolls in. Cue thunder.]

AVLIN: (squeaky) Damn, yo, my voice sounds all different. Must have happened when I got shot. You know - nine times.

THE OTHER ONE: (silence) (tries to speak, looks away. possible tear glistens in the light. grips hands nervously)

ALVIN: I'm just gonna have to try ... harder.

[zoom to beady, determined eyes. Thunderclap, lightning. Alvin picks up pen. Cue more thunder, cue beat #2. Maybe something Tupac-y. He begins to write ...]

posted by bhance at 3:39 PM on July 7, 2007 [2 favorites]


Coming soon to a theater near you: TETRIS, the movie!
posted by Steven C. Den Beste at 3:39 PM on July 7, 2007 [5 favorites]


I'm betting that the only thing that could make this film any worse is if the chipmunks emerged from a human vagina.
posted by FelliniBlank at 3:41 PM on July 7, 2007 [6 favorites]


It's even worse when life imitates snide web comics.
posted by koeselitz at 4:01 PM on July 7, 2007


miss lynnster: ...it's ALWAYS a bad sign when a movie that's supposed to be in post-production and come out in five months has "This plot synopsis is empty. Add a synopsis." on imdb.

I believe you've misunderstood. See, the plot itself is actually empty. Existentially and spiritually empty.
posted by koeselitz at 4:04 PM on July 7, 2007


miss lynnster: "....
That said, it's ALWAYS a bad sign when a movie that's supposed to be in post-production and come out in five months has "This plot synopsis is empty. Add a synopsis." on imdb.
"

Actually, I have noticed lately that a great many of the movies I look up lately have no plot synopsis. On a brief Scorcese research browse, Mean Streets, Raging Bull, and Casino all lack plot synopses. Goodfellas, on the other hand, has one. Most large new releases seem to have them as well, but outside of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, all the upcoming releases are lacking the plot synopsis. Perhaps it has something to do with the IMDB's recent style changes?
posted by John Smallberries at 4:10 PM on July 7, 2007


Gaah... lately I seem to be using the word lately too much. Dammit.
posted by John Smallberries at 4:11 PM on July 7, 2007


Blackleotardfront, the face doesn't even enter into it. He had me (punching him) at "G-Spot."

Still, I guess, better him than his brother Travis "Taint" Siebel.
posted by PlusDistance at 4:33 PM on July 7, 2007


holy crap.

I need a drink.

Of turpentine.
posted by munchingzombie at 4:35 PM on July 7, 2007


There's also "The Sims" movie, as envisioned by Annie Blue.
posted by Steven C. Den Beste at 4:36 PM on July 7, 2007


"...the Chipmunks were possibly African American..."

Why -- because they're wearing hoodies, sideways baseball caps and L.L. Cool J Hat-and-Track-Suit combos?

They're dressed like every white, junior-high, prep-school kid at the mall.
posted by PlusDistance at 4:38 PM on July 7, 2007


Another cherished childhood memory raped by the Hollywood entertainment complex.

Oh, wait, we're talking about Alvin and the Chipmunks?

Never mind. Soulless producers, ruin those fuckers.
posted by furiousthought at 4:47 PM on July 7, 2007


Steven C. Den Beste, Tetris came out three years ago. Keep up, would ya?
posted by hindmost at 4:52 PM on July 7, 2007


I also tried to muster outrage over the Underdog movie and failed.
posted by Astro Zombie at 5:00 PM on July 7, 2007


ZachsMind, that list was so depressing.
posted by maggiemaggie at 5:02 PM on July 7, 2007


I guess I won't complain too loudly about this most recent incarnation of the squeaky-voiced rodents, as a lot of my older relatives cried out in alarm over the version we enjoyed as kids in the mid-1980's - Alvin and the Chipmunks, versus the older, creepier Chipmunks they had cherished in the 50s and 60s.
posted by SassHat at 5:15 PM on July 7, 2007


Oh god. It's being directed by Tim Hill, who directed Garfield 2.

This nightmare just keeps getting worse and worse.
posted by Effigy2000 at 5:23 PM on July 7, 2007


I only heard about this Chipmunks mess last night. And Underdog? This thread broke the news. I'm just back from watching the trailer. I really don't think that film's necessary.

Is Jason Lee, like, in a shit ton of debt right now or something? Gambling? Whores? Gambling with whores? What's behind these decisions?
posted by EatTheWeak at 5:23 PM on July 7, 2007


> They're dressed like every white, junior-high, prep-school kid at the mall.

Simon and Theodore even look like Jake and Elwood Blues, about whom the only thing black was the shades, in spite of a 55 gallon drum of wannabe.
posted by jfuller at 5:33 PM on July 7, 2007


What really irks me about the poster is the tag-line, "They're back & bigger than ever!"

That poster is a damned lie. They actually look Chipmunk-sized compared to Jason Lee's head. Weren't they always ridiculously oversized in the cartoons?

Meh, they're all just a bunch of Chip 'n' Dale wannabes anyway...
posted by Reggie Digest at 6:01 PM on July 7, 2007


Somewhere in the alien wastes of Suburbia, three mutant rodent/human hybrid boys are discovered by an insane, middle-aged and vaguely pederastic musician who is never seen outside of his sports jacket/cardigan.

He forces them to sing holiday music and modern pop hits and flies into fits of rage when they don't perform to his exacting standards.

My question: Is this Alvin and the Chipmunks or disturbed gay/BDSM/anthro slash fic?

You decide.
posted by Avenger at 6:08 PM on July 7, 2007


My soul was crushed the day they came out with the Rocky and Bullwinkle movie. Nothing else has had the power to stir the tiniest bit of outrage.
posted by jokeefe at 6:28 PM on July 7, 2007 [2 favorites]


I don't understand this culture.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 6:45 PM on July 7, 2007


dang, ^hindmost^, I should have caught that and included it. Good memory.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 6:47 PM on July 7, 2007


Ahhh, see, when they had the nerve to remake Bewitched into a film... that was when my last nerve was shattered. You just don't. Mess. with Derwood & Samantha. Dammit.
posted by miss lynnster at 6:52 PM on July 7, 2007


Can't. Muster. Indignance.
Chipmunks thing sucks in all incarnations.
posted by BrodieShadeTree at 7:22 PM on July 7, 2007


I'm with BrodieShadeTree.

They really don't have very high standards to live up to. The Chipmunks sucked.
posted by aubilenon at 7:38 PM on July 7, 2007


When they came for Enterprise,
I said nothing, because I am not a Trekkie.

When they came for Star Wars Prequels,
I said nothing, because I was not a Jedi.

When they came for Transformers,
I said nothing, because I was not a Transfan.

When they come for a live-action Darkwing Duck,
There will be no one left to speak out.
posted by Stan Chin at 7:52 PM on July 7, 2007 [9 favorites]


miss lynnster : the nerve to remake Bewitched into a film... that was when my last nerve was shattered.

I always felt that Kidman was an inspired choice to play Samantha. Pity everything else about that movie was done wrong.
posted by quin at 7:58 PM on July 7, 2007


Note: I spent about ten minutes trying to think of a beloved franchise that hasn't been updated yet, and originally I had The Jetsons. Apparently, the live-action Jetsons has been greenlit for 2009. god-dammit.
posted by Stan Chin at 8:05 PM on July 7, 2007


I'm beginning to suspect that THIS was nothing but a viral ad.
posted by wendell at 8:05 PM on July 7, 2007


Genuine Chapter One of Garfield The Movie The Novelization
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 8:23 PM on July 7, 2007


"Daddy, why were the Chipmunks named ElRon, Suri, and Xenu?"
posted by Optamystic at 8:33 PM on July 7, 2007 [1 favorite]


I'm looking forward to the all-girl Wee Pals starring the Pussycat Dolls. Okay, maybe throw in Martin Lawrence as "Nipper' and Mike Myers in one of those state of the art fat suits as "Oliver." (Oliver can be a hammy Scotsman in this version- kids love the hammy Scots. Seriously. Check out the focus group results.)
posted by maryh at 8:41 PM on July 7, 2007


just remember this is the real sound of the chipmunks...

then play it backwards for the real message.
posted by geos at 9:50 PM on July 7, 2007 [2 favorites]


oh... and CWA

muthafucka!
posted by geos at 10:00 PM on July 7, 2007


Chipmunks thing sucks in all incarnations.

Chipmunk Punk?
posted by First Post at 10:23 PM on July 7, 2007


Will. Not. Die. Why? plz die. stomp stomp stomp.
posted by longsleeves at 11:13 PM on July 7, 2007 [1 favorite]


The name's Poochie D,
And I rock the telly.
I'm half Joe Camel,
And a third Fonzarelli.
I'm the kung fu hippie,
From gangsta city.
I'm a rappin' surfer,
You the fool I pity

posted by O9scar at 11:28 PM on July 7, 2007


Back in the 80's we used to sing along with the theme song, modifying it to hilarious effect: Doot, doot, I laid a toot!




But I know now it was not we who truly laid a toot.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 12:29 AM on July 8, 2007


I'd rather have a hula hoop.
posted by stavrogin at 12:45 AM on July 8, 2007 [2 favorites]


the chipmunks have always been shit. There's nothing there to ruin.
posted by empath at 1:16 AM on July 8, 2007


There's something we all have to learn.

Everything ever created will suck.

Some things suck right away. Some things are great for awhile, then somebody tries to bring them back, and then they commence sucking.

The point is, every single piece of original work will be played out until every last dollar of potential revenue has been squeezed out of it, and it will be exploited long after whatever inherent value it may have has been expended.

The only exception to this I can think of would be Calvin and Hobbes.

Then again, there's those stupid "calvin pees on X" window decals....
posted by tehloki at 2:03 AM on July 8, 2007


PlusDistance writes 'Why -- because they're wearing hoodies, sideways baseball caps and L.L. Cool J Hat-and-Track-Suit combos?"

No, it's because white vocalists haven't done falsetto since Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 3:50 AM on July 8, 2007


Predicted in the book of Revelations.
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 3:52 AM on July 8, 2007


Well, this was inevitable. And stavrogin beat me to the hula hoop comment.
posted by Faint of Butt at 7:14 AM on July 8, 2007


I just figured it out: it's that fucking font. That's the same font for Norbit, The Nutty Professor, and Deuce Bigalow.

If you see that font on a movie poster, it's a subconscious message: this movie will make you retarded.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 7:30 AM on July 8, 2007 [2 favorites]


The Jetson!?! Done by Robert Rodrigez? When I think of how fucked up the record companies are, then I'm reminded of the major motion picture studios, who continue to make new versions of suckitude every single summer. And the I remember that the same bastards own both the record companies and the major motion pictures, and I cry a bit more and then go back to ignoring them. They both deserve the pummeling they're getting for their various sins. Thank God for the independents in both genres, and the people not part of the Hollywood Entertainment Complex...

Marx said, "History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce" - "Second as farce" could be the name of a book describing all of these Hollywood remakes of existing movies and cartoons. Pathetic cash grab.
posted by rmm at 7:38 AM on July 8, 2007


I'm betting that the only thing that could make this film any worse is if the chipmunks emerged from a human vagina.

[SPOILER] Wasn't that the ending of Knocked Up?
posted by kirkaracha at 8:12 AM on July 8, 2007


I used to design movie posters. They use those particular fonts on children's movies in particular because they want the movie's title treatment to be as readable as possible for new readers. They want children in speeding cars to get the maximum read on their billboards and bus shelters. Very rarely will you see a children's movie in a script or super decorative typeface.
posted by miss lynnster at 8:48 AM on July 8, 2007


Yeah... I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that they're probably not trying to fill seats with jaded 28 year olds looking to recreate the 1984 after-school experience.

Perhaps - and I'm just throwin stuff at the wall here - perhaps they're trying to get children interested in a movie which features talking animals. I seem to remember this concept being somewhat successful in previous hollywood ventures.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 10:57 AM on July 8, 2007


. . . previous Hollywood ventures such as Ratatouille which gets children interested in a movie about talking animals while at the same time (reportedly) managing to be a movie that doesn't blow.
posted by FelliniBlank at 11:18 AM on July 8, 2007


Yeah, I see where you're coming from, Baby_Balrog, but really what they are doing here, as opposed to in something good like Finding Nemo or The Lion King, is simply capitalizing on existing intellectual property, counting on parents' familiarity with the product to bring the dough instead of relying on their own creativity.

I'm not sure they could, in this day and age, make a good chipmunk movie in any shape or form, but they could at the very least not make it look this goddamn bad.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 12:04 PM on July 8, 2007


Either that or they're going for illiterates. That's possible too.
posted by miss lynnster at 12:38 PM on July 8, 2007


Baby_Balrog: Yeah... I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that they're probably not trying to fill seats with jaded 28 year olds looking to recreate the 1984 after-school experience.

You know, I'm pretty sure that's exactly what they're trying to do. Otherwise, why would they use a franchise that's nearly 20 years old and was an idiotic idea when it was fresh?

They could come up with a better idea for a movie with a dartboard and a dictionary, to say nothing of the tried-and-true method of going down the children's bestseller list and picking the first book that hasn't already been used. There's no good reason to use this aside from hoping nostalgia will sub in for actual merit.
posted by Mitrovarr at 4:26 PM on July 8, 2007


The saddest thing?

When first I saw the poster, I asked myself: "Is that French Stewart?"
posted by grabbingsand at 7:23 PM on July 8, 2007


And I thought it was a somehow rejuvenated James Belushi...didn't look like Jason Lee to me at all...
posted by Jon Mitchell at 11:38 PM on July 8, 2007


They use old licenses instead of new ones because they probably already own the rights so it's cheap, already developed, and proven moneymaker;and it's new to little kids. My theory. I can't imagine any adult not wearing a tweety bird shirt waxing nostalgic enough about the Chipmunks to drive this movie for them.
posted by erikharmon at 9:10 AM on July 9, 2007


Somewhere in the alien wastes of Suburbia, three mutant rodent/human hybrid boys are discovered by an insane, middle-aged and vaguely pederastic musician who is never seen outside of his sports jacket/cardigan.

He forces them to sing holiday music and modern pop hits and flies into fits of rage when they don't perform to his exacting standards.


The IMDB page has a plot synopsis now... ;-)
posted by daHIFI at 11:36 AM on July 9, 2007


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