These days, Wheeler is a "food defense specialist" for the American Institute of Baking.

July 9, 2007 4:44 PM

Bill O'Reilly alerts the nation to the roving lesbian gang menace.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 (100 comments total)

I came this close to posting this, but decided not too.
posted by delmoi at 4:46 PM on July 9, 2007 [4 favorites]

Hellooooo. I'm WAITING!!!!!




sigh. Still no lesbians.
posted by tkchrist at 4:48 PM on July 9, 2007 [3 favorites]

I look forward to the feverish email from my mom exhorting me to make sure my sister is adequately protecting my nephews, given that my sister is a feminist historian and has been known to associate with more than one terrifying lesbian.
posted by scody at 4:49 PM on July 9, 2007

The segment should've been called, "Glocks, not cocks!"
posted by phaedon at 4:54 PM on July 9, 2007 [20 favorites]

So, Rod Wheeler, O'Reilly's source for all this, is really a member of a church in Landover?
posted by found dog one eye at 4:55 PM on July 9, 2007

The lesbian gang expert's day job is a Big Mac security guard.
posted by rob paxon at 4:55 PM on July 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

O'Reilly is now 69% more surreal then Colbert Report. Next, LESBIAN NAZILIBERAL UFO of AFRICA ! Menace of language, language of menace ?
posted by elpapacito at 4:55 PM on July 9, 2007

Something wrong with that video, the laugh track is missing.
posted by mattoxic at 4:57 PM on July 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

Just don't send the lesbian gangs to Iraq! It'll backfire!

Rep. Gary Ackerman (D-NY) to Condi Rice on the "Don't Ask/Don't Tell" policy:

"...For some reason, the military seems more afraid of gay people than they are against terrorists, but they're very brave with the terrorists.... If the terrorists ever got a hold of this information, they'd get a platoon of lesbians to chase us out of Baghdad...."

Watch video here.
posted by ericb at 5:01 PM on July 9, 2007

Hey, it's like the Poison Pussies!
posted by thirteenkiller at 5:04 PM on July 9, 2007

Now I've seen it all...
posted by rhizome23 at 5:07 PM on July 9, 2007

OMG. A gang of tough, butch, pink-pistol wielding lesbians? Do they wear their T shirt sleves rolled up, and like maybe suspenders and boots and have slicked back hair and hold their cigarettes between thumb and forefinger and look at you through the smoke with just the right mixture of disdain and carefully concealed interest, moving over to the bar and ordering you a drink before leaning against the pool table, eyeing you now with open appraisal, letting you know that they're packing and....

So anyway, I'm working up some decent outrage here, and demand to know the location and phone numbers of these menaces to society immediately. Surely someone must think of the children?
posted by jokeefe at 5:09 PM on July 9, 2007 [9 favorites]

From rod007.com (you can't even make this shit up...):

During the O’Reilly Factor segment on June 21st, while engaged in a discussion on Lesbian gangs, I inadvertently stated that gang members carry pistols that are painted pink and call themselves the "Pink Pistol Packing Group." I was not referring to the gay rights group "Pink Pistols" who advocates for the lawful rights of gays to carry weapons for protection. Further, I mentioned that there are "over 150 of these gangs" in the greater Washington DC area. What I actually meant is that there are over 150 gangs in the Washington DC area, some of which are in fact lesbian gangs. Lastly, I mentioned in the segment that there is this "national epidemic" of lesbian gangs. A better choice of words would have been to say that there is a growing concern nationally, and especially in major urban areas, of increased gang activity, which includes some lesbian gang activity.

I apologize for any misunderstanding this may have caused.

posted by felix betachat at 5:10 PM on July 9, 2007 [6 favorites]

*snapping*

When you're a lez, you're a lez all the way
From your first clitoris to your last dyin' day

*executing flawless Jerome Robbins dance moves*
posted by FelliniBlank at 5:13 PM on July 9, 2007 [5 favorites]

Metafilter alerts the nation to Bill O'Reilly's crazy rants about the roving lesbian gang menace.

When will you people learn that the only reason morons like O'Reilly and Coulter say this stuff is so people like you will get outraged, post it to sites on the interwebs like Metafilter etc to create more outrage, give them fame and sell their lightweight books?

Ignore them and they will go away eventually, I promise!
posted by Effigy2000 at 5:15 PM on July 9, 2007 [2 favorites]

"A part of us all! A part of us all! A part of us all!"

Wow, that really does work, Effigy3000!
posted by The Card Cheat at 5:16 PM on July 9, 2007

Just this spring, he publicly warned that the Big Mac is vulnerable to bioterrorist attacks at "250 points" during production.

Thank you Mr. Wheeler for your help in pinpointing all of our biggest threats.
posted by inconsequentialist at 5:17 PM on July 9, 2007

*Effigy2000 learns a hard lesson about irony*
posted by felix betachat at 5:17 PM on July 9, 2007 [4 favorites]

Vaginaaaaa Power!

Someone gave crazy Uncle Bill a microphone again.
posted by dirigibleman at 5:20 PM on July 9, 2007

I just hope Effigy was drunk.
posted by rhizome23 at 5:20 PM on July 9, 2007

felix: That's a great retraction there. "When I said X, I actually meant not-X. I'm sorry for any confusion."
posted by papakwanz at 5:21 PM on July 9, 2007

Olbermann on it. {mov}
posted by dobbs at 5:21 PM on July 9, 2007

"Ignore them and they will go away eventually"

we've pretty much tried that with Bush, and it doesn't work...

so...are we still waiting for lesbian gangs to come and force us to do sex acts...

like, what the hell is the problem with that...it's the dream of 90% of the American male population...
posted by HuronBob at 5:22 PM on July 9, 2007

LOL Republicans.
posted by bardic at 5:22 PM on July 9, 2007

Gun-wielding lesbians are the sort of people who protect people like me from people like Bill O'Reilly. We need lots more.
posted by Faint of Butt at 5:23 PM on July 9, 2007 [3 favorites]

I can't believe so many of you doubt this report. Just like O'Riley, the other night I was watching a home video a lesbian gang in action. They jumped this poor young girl and indoctrinated her into their lesbian ways in the most brutal and sadistic way possible. And then they laughed about it once it was over. It was an incredible video.

Of course, the video I was watching included a thumping techo beat in the background...
posted by falconred at 5:24 PM on July 9, 2007 [5 favorites]

"Of course, the video I was watching included a thumping techo beat in the background..."

Link, please?
posted by mr_crash_davis at 5:26 PM on July 9, 2007

Why am I thinking that Bill had an idea for a porn movie script and then decided to make a scare story out of it instead?
posted by jonmc at 5:27 PM on July 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

So where's the gun lobby on this? Are they going to vociferously defend the rights of gun-toting lesbians or not? Where's Charlton Heston?

When lesbians with guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have lesbians with guns!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:28 PM on July 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

This pretty much seals the deal. O'Reilly really isn't a conservative talk show host, he's actually an extremely clever parody of a conservative talk show host, kinda like a meta-colbert.

I mean, seriously, armed lesbian gangs? Terrorizing the streets of America?

Cmon. This is what conservative talk show hosts sound like in warped McCarthy-era dystopias.

Illegal Gay Mexicans coming to kill our brain dead ladies. Film at 11.
posted by Avenger at 5:29 PM on July 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

I think I saw this movie. It was call Where the Boys Aren't Part 7 or maybe it was Part 8. Either way, good flick.

So when did O'Riley start reviewing porno?
posted by Bonzai at 5:29 PM on July 9, 2007

So I assume this means that heterosexual gangs are no longer a menace? When did that happen?
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 5:30 PM on July 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

Why am I thinking that Bill had an idea for a porn movie script and then decided to make a scare story out of it instead?

He submitted the script to his favorite gangs but they wouldn't let him star in the film.
posted by inconsequentialist at 5:30 PM on July 9, 2007

The lesbian gangs of the Bonobos have the right idea...
posted by KokuRyu at 5:37 PM on July 9, 2007

Meanwhile, New Orleans' Garden District Merchants Terrorized By Transvestite Gang

"The transvestites first appeared in March when they raided Magazine Street like a marauding army of kleptomaniacal showgirls, said Davis, using clockwork precision and brute force to satisfy high-end boutique needs."

"They're all very skinny and very flamboyant," Ogle said.
posted by four panels at 5:38 PM on July 9, 2007 [3 favorites]

Why am I thinking that Bill had an idea for a porn movie script and then decided to make a scare story out of it instead?

He submitted the script to his favorite gangs but they wouldn't let him star in the film.

or maybe he thought they said 'Lebanese gangs' and thought it had something to wit terrorism. He's not very bright.
posted by jonmc at 5:41 PM on July 9, 2007

Lebanese lesbians are the hottest.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:43 PM on July 9, 2007

Dear AskMe,

It has recently come to my attention that I need to move to Washington DC immediately. Suggestions on where to live?
posted by kalimac at 5:45 PM on July 9, 2007

You know, somehow I'm just not as nervous about this new domestic threat as I suspect Bill O'Reilly wants me to be.
posted by lekvar at 5:48 PM on July 9, 2007

Look there's about $12 in my wallet. If the lesbians want it, they don't need to pull a knife just take it.
posted by jonmc at 5:55 PM on July 9, 2007

I will now reveal to you all how this works:

Bill needs a new enemy to get his watchers riled up about, so he turns to his most reliable source for this information: his dartboards, the first one has the enemy; terrorists, immigrants, gays, pro-choice, etc.

The next board has the hook; meth-crazed, gun wielding, flag burning, you-get-the-idea.

The last board has different ethnicities. This determines from what minority group O'Reilly's expert will come from. This is an effort to convince us that Bill talks to or cares about anyone other than rich white people.

So this time round, it's gun toting lesbians, next time it could be crack fueled sharks with machete, the interviewer will be Native American, of course.
posted by quin at 5:55 PM on July 9, 2007 [2 favorites]

Macho Women With Guns

This sounds amazingly like some of the really bad, Sherry Tepper and vodka inspired fantasy that I used to write as a young women's studies major.
posted by QIbHom at 5:56 PM on July 9, 2007

[Scene cuts to Cochise, Rembrandt and Vermin outside The Lizzies flat]

Cochise – Is this the place? Hey, I hate asking questions but where’s your dudes? Chicks like you always got dudes around?

Lizzie – They took the night off, went up to The Bronx. Don’t worry about them. They’re lame. Real cripples.

Lizzie – Come on.

Vermin – When I got off that subway, and I saw you, I thought oh baby, throw it my way. I mean it’s really great of you chicks taking us in like this.

Lizzie – We know about The Warriors, they’re a heavy outfit. Sure we know about you guys.

Vermin – How’d you hear about us?

Lizzie – You know how it is, word gets around. Also, Bill O'Reilly mentioned you guys when we did his show.

[And scene.]
posted by william_boot at 5:57 PM on July 9, 2007 [7 favorites]

So now we have O'Reilly spoofing Colbert spoofing O'Reilly? Yeesh.
posted by five fresh fish at 5:57 PM on July 9, 2007 [4 favorites]

Gosh, and Bill O'Reilly has always been such an even handed and responsible journalist.
posted by Iron Rat at 6:00 PM on July 9, 2007

fff wins.
posted by rhizome23 at 6:00 PM on July 9, 2007

Lezbollah!
posted by fandango_matt at 6:03 PM on July 9, 2007 [22 favorites]

I will post a hilarious comment as soon as I am done sealing the drains in the house. I am concerned that the lesbians can come up through the drains -- whether in gangs or as rogue operatives. (Needless to say, I'm not sitting down on the toilet anymore either.)
posted by veggieboy at 6:07 PM on July 9, 2007

Colbert is wishing he'd thought this up. Might have to send O'Reilly a fanmail thanking him for his fine, fine satire.
posted by rtha at 6:11 PM on July 9, 2007

Ha! Ha!
posted by taosbat at 6:14 PM on July 9, 2007

Like I don't have enough to masturbate about.
posted by Astro Zombie at 6:15 PM on July 9, 2007 [12 favorites]

Rep. Gary Ackerman (D-NY) to Condi Rice on the "Don't Ask/Don't Tell" policy:

to Condi? Our roving ambassador of women's golf? ; >
posted by amberglow at 6:18 PM on July 9, 2007

When will you people learn that the only reason morons like O'Reilly and Coulter say this stuff is so people like you will get outraged, post it to sites on the interwebs like Metafilter etc to create more outrage, give them fame and sell their lightweight books?

Ignore them and they will go away eventually, I promise!
Doesn't work. We're not the producers or executives of networks. No matter what, they'll all always be welcome on tv, sadly. And they always come out with new hateful or absurd nonsense to keep their acts freshsmelling of the sewers.
posted by amberglow at 6:20 PM on July 9, 2007

I can haz "What would Jesus do?" thong¿!?
posted by taosbat at 6:25 PM on July 9, 2007

No matter what, they'll all always be welcome on tv, sadly.

That's only because they're will always be assholes in the world. And in today's TV market assholes and themerely curious are enough to keep a show afloat. Beyond that he is of no consequence.
posted by jonmc at 6:26 PM on July 9, 2007

Let's just hope O'Reilly doesn't get his hand on this hot little tract.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:30 PM on July 9, 2007

What I don't understand is how it "makes sense" to Bill O that "lawless gay people would do this." How 'bout just lawless people?

Lawless people do tend to band together based on some common ground each member has. In this case, it's sexual preference. Somewhere out there, I'm sure there's a gang of Trekkies just waitin' to bust out their phasers. And we will all tremble in fear the day that Klingons Taking Over face off with Romulans Taking Over. God help us all when Phaser-Fisting Ferengi show up.
posted by katillathehun at 6:34 PM on July 9, 2007

You all may scoff, but one day that gaydar may save your life!
posted by Hollow at 6:36 PM on July 9, 2007

Who wants to eat something with 250 points of production?
posted by 2sheets at 6:36 PM on July 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

I'm sure there's a gang of Trekkies just waitin' to bust out their phasers.

There's a flaw in that theory. Trekkies are too socially inept to form a gang.
posted by jonmc at 6:37 PM on July 9, 2007

O'Reilly does it just to balance out the liberal bias of the New York Times.
posted by switchsonic at 6:37 PM on July 9, 2007

FOX Reporter issues an apology.

"Humbly, I submit to you that as a professional, I am not too proud to admit when I've perhaps made a mistake, have misspoken, or have been misinterpreted surrounding a particular issue," he wrote. "I urge all who felt personally offended by the information provided to accept my apology, and let's focus and work together at addressing the gang and other real problems in some communities here in the United States."
posted by Dave Faris at 6:39 PM on July 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

Don't be afraid - lesbian gangs that do the crime will serve the time.
posted by extrabox at 6:42 PM on July 9, 2007

Guess they haven't talked with this woman!

U Tube Link. NSFW Talk.
posted by toddbass10 at 6:44 PM on July 9, 2007

There is one major flaw in this story.

Everyone knows that lesbians don't like pink.
posted by desjardins at 6:54 PM on July 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

I'm sure there's a gang of Trekkies just waitin' to bust out

Set phasers to fabulous!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 6:54 PM on July 9, 2007 [2 favorites]

Where can I get that video he showed? That was hot.
posted by fungible at 6:56 PM on July 9, 2007

I had a dream last night that I was back in college and Bill O'Reilly came to my class to speak. Of course, I unleashed a verbal barrage of swear words on him and he left in a huff. And for some reason that made me feel really really bad. It wasn't until I woke up and had my coffee that I said to myself "waitaminute, fuck that guy!"
posted by PostIronyIsNotaMyth at 6:56 PM on July 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

There's a flaw in that theory. Trekkies are too socially inept to form a gang.

Not so. They just call them "conventions" to stay under the radar.
posted by katillathehun at 7:01 PM on July 9, 2007

The Birkenstocks and camping supplies of DC are no longer safe...
posted by whoaali at 7:01 PM on July 9, 2007

If the existence of pistol-packing lesbian gangs puts us even a single step closer to the emergence of the Panther Moderns, I am 100% in favor.
posted by Pope Guilty at 7:09 PM on July 9, 2007

Everyone knows that lesbians don't like pink.

On the other hand, Pink is quite popular.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:09 PM on July 9, 2007

I don't think anyone's mentioned this yet...

O'Reilly's "lesbian gang fight" footage is stolen from this random teenager catfight over a boy.
posted by naoko at 7:11 PM on July 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

mashup!?
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 7:16 PM on July 9, 2007

When will you people learn that the only reason morons like O'Reilly and Coulter say this stuff is so people like you will get outraged, post it to sites on the interwebs like Metafilter etc to create more outrage, give them fame and sell their lightweight books?

This isn't outrage; it's raucous laughter.
posted by Karmakaze at 7:44 PM on July 9, 2007

pink pistols.

*yawns*
posted by quonsar at 7:54 PM on July 9, 2007

From the moment I spied the words "Fox News Crime Analyst," I knew I was off on a wild comedy ride. O'Really delivers the goods again!
posted by Devils Rancher at 7:58 PM on July 9, 2007

O' Reilly used his no spin zone for his personal, so far out right that its actually left, propaganda. Say it aint so! Next you gonna tell me there is no Santa or Easter Bunny!
posted by swissfrank at 8:07 PM on July 9, 2007

I support the release of this list as a way to weed out the hypocritical crusaders in our government.

However, as someone who has never used prostitution services but would support legalization, I feel slightly bad for the everyday johns who are going to get their private lives trotted out into the limelight at the same time; the guys who weren't pretending they were icons of morality, but still wouldn't have wanted a permanent label like this.
posted by Riki tiki at 8:11 PM on July 9, 2007

Frick, wrong thread.
posted by Riki tiki at 8:11 PM on July 9, 2007

Okay well, all of that aside... according to Landover it seems my MeTa Harry Potter spoiler was.... TOTALLY ON POINT!

So take that, disbelievers!
posted by miss lynnster at 8:16 PM on July 9, 2007

Pink pistols do exist.
posted by Iron Rat at 8:19 PM on July 9, 2007 [1 favorite]

Did you say Condi?
I've so totally been waiting for an opportunity to post this. I was at this concert, and saw Condi jammin' to Shaggy live, baby.
posted by MrMoonPie at 8:42 PM on July 9, 2007

Like those two members of Omar's crew in season two of The Wire? Except, wait, they were lesbians and he was gay? So: we're looking at, as far as I can see, lesbians and gay men teaming up to recruit, rob and rape people? Are we certain that this is news and not a new reality show?
posted by Football Bat at 9:02 PM on July 9, 2007

A HELLO KITTY PISTOL?

And I thought these were bad.

The world has ended and we're all going to hell now, amirite?
posted by desjardins at 9:17 PM on July 9, 2007

So...

As naoko pointed out, the clip used had nothing to do with the context of the segment

and

as Dave Faris pointed out, the reporter from the segment apologized for his work on the segment.

Therefore, that Bill O'Reilly Show is the highest rated show on cable.
posted by jaronson at 9:21 PM on July 9, 2007

O'Reilly should be pummeled with (a part of) Styx
posted by phoque at 9:40 PM on July 9, 2007

thanks Naoko, I recognized that random fight footage but couldn't find it. The kid holding the camera getting so excited about the whole thing at the end is hilarious.
posted by subtle_squid at 9:57 PM on July 9, 2007

Awesome.

I had the misfortune of being trapped on a delayed JetBlue flight for an hour when this aired. I really, really regretted that I wasn't sitting near a friend so we could guffaw.

After landing I tried to dig around for a transcript or a capture, but it hadn't made the rounds yet. It was like watching an urban legend emerge from the egg. The pseudo-retraction is just AWESOME.
posted by verb at 10:08 PM on July 9, 2007

"You associate homosexuality as being... more of a social movement"

Maybe Wheeler does, and O'Reilly has talked to him enough to know that...

I figure that most FOX News viewers, however, view homosexuality as more of an anti-Christian agenda out to "indoctrinate" their children, as O'Reilly was exploiting here. Also, I suspect most non-FOX News viewers associate homosexuality as a state of being inclined to be attracted and wish to form romantic relationships with members of the same sex, generally members of the same sex who are similarly inclined.

There's nothing about this that isn't awful.

"lawless gay people" is maybe my favorite phrase in the whole clip, as it begs the question of just who is striving so hard to make gays outside of the law.

"Indoctrinate," however, is actually truly harmful, as it seems to be the point of the clip. Truly, what other purpose could this piece serve? "Watch out for roving groups of women!"? No, this was about claiming that the gays are trying to take you children. I'm just waiting for the Murdoch-sponsered pamplet of how only voting GOP will truly protect your kids from teh ghay.

(disclaimer: straight guy talking here. If there's truly a revolutionary, subversive gay agenda going on, though, I'd love to come along just for the ride.)
posted by Navelgazer at 10:13 PM on July 9, 2007

Lebanese rebels packing pink pistols.

[scratches chin whiskers]

You know, it just might work.
posted by five fresh fish at 11:21 PM on July 9, 2007

Everyone above this point has beat you to it, so just don't. OK?
posted by sleepy pete at 11:32 PM on July 9, 2007

Hear that squeaking sound? That's total cultural irrelevance. Popularity is not the same thing as influence, and O'Reilly isn't even as popular as he once was. Give it a few decades, and this sort of insane rant will sound as quaint and utterly outside the mainstream of history as sermons warning of the moral dangers posed by the zipper sound today.
posted by WPW at 4:02 AM on July 10, 2007

I'm a gangsta, but y'all knew that
Da Big Boss Dyke, yeah I had to do that
I keep a pink flag hanging out my backside
But only on the left side, yeah that's the Lez side

Drop it like it's hot, indeed.
posted by grubi at 6:02 AM on July 10, 2007

There was a brawl in Columbia, MD a few weeks ago. The two gangs? A lesbian gang attacked a rival gang... of gay males.

Why yes, it did make for a great Fark headline.

And we oughta give *some* credit to O'Reilly for at least apologizing for the Pink Pistols mixup. *shrug*
posted by drstein at 8:15 AM on July 10, 2007

drstein: I'm pretty sure that Wheeler and O'Reilly made the pink pistols comments completely aware that they would associate the "gangs" with the organization. That's how these fucks operate. Make an outrageous statement, then whimper out a bullshit retraction that no one will see. Has O'Reilly aired Wheeler's apologies on his show? How many people who saw the original broadcast know that Wheeler admitted that everything he said was a load of shit? And did they ever admit that the video they showed was footage completely unrelated to their nonsensical "story"?
posted by papakwanz at 9:52 AM on July 10, 2007

So where do I sign up?
posted by blucevalo at 11:12 AM on July 10, 2007

Everything on TV nowadays is meant to be not what it seems: this is not news, it's pure entertainment. Much like reality television is completely unrealistic.

I do think that all Bill O'Reilly and his ilk (Ann Coulter is a good example), want are more publicity, so they say outrageous things. They should be ignored, and yet, here I am unable to resist a post. There is but one maxim in the media: any publicity is good publicity.

People watch them for entertainment. I read about them for entertainment. Those who believe what they say are beyond redemption, and they need to be ignored/isolated. The rest of us (whether conservative or liberal or other), should really stop talking about them and keeping the buzz about them going.
posted by Azaadistani at 12:19 PM on July 10, 2007

So, what, the problem is people aren’t returning fire?

Open up a free fire zone. Lay down some suppressive fire so you can flank them, get close and just drill them with a couple of full clips on full auto to make sure they’re dead. Open their fucking heads up and make sure you see their brains all over the pavement...

...I’m talking about O'Reilly and his ilk of course, not the lesbians.
posted by Smedleyman at 1:13 PM on July 10, 2007

I am a lawless gay person. I flagrantly sleep with women.

when they let me
posted by Sparx at 2:48 PM on July 10, 2007