I'd complain about the callousness of rejecting out of hand a date with someone incapable of clonking the yellow p-switch in Super Mario World except that it really is a deal-breaker.
Though a custom ascension message in Nethack would probably be pushing it. Save that for the marriage proposal. posted by cortex at 7:28 PM on July 18, 2007
Oh dear god.
The author's picture is too perfect, too. posted by empath at 7:28 PM on July 18, 2007
How to get laid?
Do the exact opposite of everything this guys says. posted by tkchrist at 7:35 PM on July 18, 2007
In the distant future, there will be almost no remnants of the Internet except for a lone server pushing out About.com. posted by geoff. at 7:38 PM on July 18, 2007 [4 favorites]
I poke fun, but in reality I, too, have used SMW to try and get some action. Who hasn't? I.... was not so successful. So I say lets give props where they is due ppl posted by Laugh_track at 7:42 PM on July 18, 2007 [1 favorite]
Eerily enough, I also get big when I do shrooms. posted by Mach3avelli at 7:44 PM on July 18, 2007
Borrow my cars-and then you give us a test."
"What? The Mario test?
"Mario? mario's a fuckin psycho."
Its 1986, I'm in the first grade,
I'm workin really hard to get mario laid,
I gotta save the princess so he can get the pussy,
Believe me-mario will get that ass so fuck luigi,
Mario really wants to get her in bed,
So bad that he's bustin up bricks with his head,
He just wants sex - so forget the wedding bells,
Jumping on lil mushroom men and turtle shells.
Dropping down green pipes and secret passage ways,
Making his move to the end,
Where the final castle lays.
Eat a magic mushroom, grow a little higher,
Eat a white flower and spit balls of fire.
All these creatures that attack won't cut Mario slack.
Oh shit, hold on, I’ll be right back.
*Playing game-button pushing*
I’m gonna beat the game if it takes me all summer,
It’s gotta be hard to get laid if you’re a plumber.
That’s why I’m gonna work extra hard for my man,
And get him to the end so he can stop using his hand.
Mario doesn’t wanna get hit, he’ll shrink,
The princess wont fuck a little kid… I think.
So stay firm and attend to your own,
And eventually the princess will attend to you’re bone.
Chorus *twice*
Save the princess quick,
Because she wants a dick.
And if you let her free,
You get the pussy
Bowser’s trying to get head right now from the princess,
But if it’s up to me that shit'll stop this instance.
Cloud people throwing little spiked animals,
Green plants with teeth that attack like cannibals.
I heard no body’s yet run in the princess’s oven,
And Mario always says, “Virgins, I love em!”
I hate the Koopa Troppers so I’m gonna run up,
And jump on the back of their shells til I get one up.
I’m gonna keep playing and I’m never gonna quit,
Because some kid at school told me you can see the princess’ tits.
I’m gonna beat it before any of my friends do,
So I can say I put pussy up on Mario’s Menu.
At the end of each level, I jump up and get the flag,
And say to myself, “Another castle’s in the bag.”
I hope Bowser’s ready cuz he’s in for a ride,
And Mario’s serious when it comes to homocide.
The princess is a freak even though she has class,
Mario will take a plunger and put it in her ass.
I hate the cannons, that shoot at you constantly,
And I hate platforms that fall out from below me.
It’s all worth while just to see Mario smile,
Standing next to the princess, buck naked profile.
So that’s why it’s my crusade to get Mario laid,
Super Mario Brother’s, best game ever made.
Chorus *twice
Save the princess quick,
Because she wants a dick.
And if you let her free,
You get the pussy. posted by absalom at 7:47 PM on July 18, 2007 [1 favorite]
If you strip away all the dorky "how to get laid stuff," it's a pretty good intro on how to edit the Mario ROM. posted by KokuRyu at 7:50 PM on July 18, 2007
Next up, how to answer the big question: We've been together for a while, and I've never felt this way about anyone before. So I have just one thing to ask you. Can I have root privileges on your Linux server? posted by ALongDecember at 7:56 PM on July 18, 2007 [2 favorites]
Of course! Finally, an alternative to roofie-ing myself and crossing my fingers. posted by mullingitover at 8:02 PM on July 18, 2007 [3 favorites]
KokuRyu: If you strip away all the dorky "how to get laid stuff," it's a pretty good intro on how to edit the Mario ROM.
I think you applied the adjective "dorky" to the wrong part of that sentence. posted by Kattullus at 8:06 PM on July 18, 2007 [11 favorites]
As a woman who used to spend almost every day of her childhood playing NES and SNES games, I can see how this would be very sweet, romantic and, of course, nostalgic. posted by inconsequentialist at 8:09 PM on July 18, 2007
absalom, I don't know if you're aware but cortex is now charging a hefty fee to have posts turned into songs. All that typing for nothing... posted by Item at 8:17 PM on July 18, 2007
...and upon googling the source of your copy & paste is revealed.
Don't worry. I'm a likable asshole. posted by Item at 8:19 PM on July 18, 2007
I'm fucking a guy who can recite the entirety of TRON from memory! And I don't even like guys! He's just that nerdtacular! posted by Astro Zombie at 9:33 PM on July 18, 2007
Aw crap. I need to kill myself now since the rest of my life will be futile. posted by porpoise at 9:37 PM on July 18, 2007
I am in hell. Mario is hell. posted by metasonix at 9:40 PM on July 18, 2007
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Can I at least have a hug for my efforts? posted by davejay at 9:44 PM on July 18, 2007
Oh, also: points to this guy for at least being honest about who he is when dating. He'll scare off 99%* of the ladies, but keep the match.
*percentage based on assumption that he actually finds 100 women to try this on posted by davejay at 9:46 PM on July 18, 2007
Pushing it nothing. What if she never wins?
What if indeed, sir. posted by cortex at 10:10 PM on July 18, 2007
I dunno, I think it's sweet. All that effort expended to try and say something nice? This is no different than when guys carved love spoons or as a more grandiose example, built big castles and houses for their sweethearts. Same message, different genre. posted by Zinger at 10:29 AM on July 19, 2007
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Though a custom ascension message in Nethack would probably be pushing it. Save that for the marriage proposal.
posted by cortex at 7:28 PM on July 18, 2007