My Pet Goat? Scarier Than You Might Have Imagined.

July 30, 2007 11:58 PM

Were you psychologically damaged at a petting zoo?. The Childhood Goat Trauma Foundation was created in 1982 by a small group that originally came together as an informal support group for problems that were the result of traumatic experiences at petting zoos as children. This group realized that there were many others out there who were afraid to come forward with their horrific stories and wanted to find some way to help as many people as they could. The Childhood Goat Trauma Foundation is the result of their dream.
posted by amyms (130 comments total)

It seems inevitable there will one day be a Goatse Trauma Foundation. Let the healing begin.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:06 AM on July 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

"Stay alert. Goats are deceitful and can hide just about anywhere."

In the "Don't be a Victim" section.

Hilarious.
posted by emmet at 12:07 AM on July 31, 2007

Around here (specifically, Enumclaw, Washington, a bit south) horses are the main vector for deep, throbbing trauma in humans.
posted by maxwelton at 12:11 AM on July 31, 2007

I wonder if there's something like this for Goose related PTSD. Maybe a support group where we can get together and eat lots and lots of foie gras.

That'll teach them. Bastards. Bastards filled with bastard filling.
posted by stavrogin at 12:12 AM on July 31, 2007 [4 favorites]

Blazecock Pileon said: It seems inevitable there will one day be a Goatse Trauma Foundation.

You naughty boy! This is about GOATS (and petting zoos in general), not goatse! *shudder*
posted by amyms at 12:14 AM on July 31, 2007

When I was five, a goat at the petting zoo tried to eat my soccer uniform.

I haven't played sports since that terrible moment.
posted by idiotfactory at 12:17 AM on July 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

Baaah.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 12:17 AM on July 31, 2007

Anyone who's ever watched a goat poop can't possibly be scared of goats. Goats pooping are too funny.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 12:21 AM on July 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

I've seen funnier stuff on CSPAN.
posted by stavrogin at 12:24 AM on July 31, 2007

on one of my first times out with my new moped as a freshman , I hit a goat. I never really recovered from that trauma, neither did the two wheeler
posted by infini at 12:24 AM on July 31, 2007

I can totally relate to this site. Excerpt from my livejournal, October 1, 2002:

After a long session of "try to pass the left side of a house that's on a truck going up a winding mountain road," we got to the petting zoo. Man, them's some seriously fat goats. I don't know if they grow that way, or if it's that they are masters of manipulating people into feeding them all day. They look like they've swallowed couch cushions, on the diagonal.

The front desk sells, for a quarter, ice cream cups full of generic animal feed. I did at one point go back to buy some. However, there's a rumor going around that I was almost lost to the goats and deer in the process. This is not true. Having been raised with goats, I had the situation fully under control. If I had sensed an impending crisis, I know enough to ditch the food, and in fact was tempted to toss an ice-cream-alfalfa grenade anyway, just for the fun of seeing the herd pounce as one. I think it would have resembled a cartoon depiction of a football tackle.

I did, however, have the whole herd on my tail. There is a feeling of power and of fear evoked by walking calmly forward while knowing that a mass of hundreds of lower life forms is following inches behind, which must be exactly what a politician feels. You're in control; you have something they want, and you're making the rules; but watch out, or they'll eat you alive. Of course, most politicians don't have to deal with aloof, cynical alpacas who look like they're sizing you up, and thinking that they have a hundred pounds and two legs worth of advantage.

posted by darksasami at 12:24 AM on July 31, 2007 [4 favorites]

I had a wallaby look at me in a funny way once. Is there a support group for that?
posted by gomichild at 12:34 AM on July 31, 2007

When I was a kid growing up in rural Ohio, we had a cute little 3-acre farm with a red barn, a couple horses, and a half dozen or so goats.

Our staff of goats were all nannies, and we were vegetarians who kept them for lawnmowing and goat milk. Once every year we hired a billy goat to knock up our nanny goats to ensure a steady supply of delicious goat milk.

The nannies were all really well-behaved, although they were capricious and difficult to herd. They weren't overly aggressive. However, the annual visit of the billy goat was always greeted with apprehension. My brother was eight years older than I, and he had the dubious honor of feeding the billy goat.

I don't know what events led to it, but in the back of my mind I can't escape the memory of my brother fleeing from the billy goat in terror. He tried to climb over the fence, and the billy goat reared back and butted him in the ass at full speed. It was horrifying. To this day I don't have a lot of love for the billy goats, and when listening to "The Three Billy Goats Gruff" I always rooted for the troll.
posted by mullingitover at 12:38 AM on July 31, 2007 [6 favorites]

When I was three, my parents took me to the petting zoo at Marine Land in Niagara falls. Shortly after learning what a llama was, I learned that llamas like little boys with handfuls of feed-pellets. The llama would not leave me alone, nibbling at my hands and t-shirt. "Fuck off, llama!" I exclaimed, by way of discouragement. My parents wandered off and pretended not to know me.
posted by chudmonkey at 1:04 AM on July 31, 2007 [7 favorites]

Anyone who's ever watched a goat poop can't possibly be scared of goats. Goats pooping are too funny.

Hah! It's like a little shower of raisins.

And I'm with stavrogin, it's the goddamned geese you have to watch out for. Bastards, every one of them.

Swans too.
posted by LeeJay at 1:08 AM on July 31, 2007

LeeJay said: ...it's the goddamned geese you have to watch out for. Bastards, every one of them.

Swans too.

OMG, My son had a traumatic swan experience at a pond in the park when he was about 3 years old. A giant black swan came out of the water, flapping its wings menacingly, and ran after my son. His father scooped him up and brought him to safety at our picnic table... I can only hope he doesn't recall the incident (and/or need therapy for it) until he's an adult and can afford his own health insurance) lol.
posted by amyms at 1:24 AM on July 31, 2007

I was chased by a Canada goose for at least half a mile in Stanley park, after I suppose it thought I was withholding the bread in the sandwich I was eating from it. It continually beat me with its wings and at one point, full-on shit on me. I do my best to step on them now.
posted by tehloki at 1:33 AM on July 31, 2007

I have nothing to add to this momentous thread.
posted by metasonix at 1:34 AM on July 31, 2007

Geese and goats are nothing. Those are phobias for people who can't get to real zoo and spend time near a camel enclosure.
posted by srboisvert at 1:40 AM on July 31, 2007

Ambrosia Voyeur said: Goats pooping are too funny.

That looks just like my bunnies pooping, only at a higher altitude.
posted by amyms at 1:51 AM on July 31, 2007

Once, when I was at a zoo as a child, an elephant stole my ice cream. Motherfucker.
posted by slimepuppy at 1:59 AM on July 31, 2007

A goat ate part of my shirt at the Disneyland park.

I've never been back. Damn them and their weird irises.
posted by efalk at 2:01 AM on July 31, 2007

"they were capricious"

Capricious goats? Etymologically that's not really surprising.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 2:13 AM on July 31, 2007 [4 favorites]

Dude. Don't get me started on the motherfucking camels. At my primary school fair when I was eight, I got the awesome honour of taking a ride in a real life fire engine! It was red and everything. It was so cool, I got to sit at the front, flick on the siren and do all the amusing things that are amusing to eight year olds. Sadly, my turn was over all too soon and being the pint sized one that I was, I jumped down from the raised step in the entrance of the truck onto the gravel below...and landed hands first in a pile of camel poop.

The smell never goes away, not really.
posted by liquorice at 2:20 AM on July 31, 2007

When I was aged nine, a sheep charged me from behind and knocked me into a trout-pond. It was January and there was a thin layer of ice on it. My parents stood and laughed. Where's my bleeding support group?
posted by Hogshead at 2:39 AM on July 31, 2007

When I was six, I saw a chimp crap into its hand and throw it through the bars of its cage, hitting an American woman in the face (I live in the UK).

What was traumatic about this was the realisation that, at the age of six, I had seen the funniest thing I would ever see in my entire life.
posted by rhymer at 2:52 AM on July 31, 2007 [28 favorites]

I have had great experiences with all of these animals you mention, & I think you are all pussies. The most fearsome & awe inspiring of goats, however, is the goat on a pole.
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 2:53 AM on July 31, 2007

I wonder if the goats from petting zoos form support groups due to their horrible experiences with children.
posted by Violet Hour at 2:56 AM on July 31, 2007 [3 favorites]

I want a gyro.
posted by ardgedee at 3:00 AM on July 31, 2007

I got attacked by an aggressive swarm of ducks at paradise point in san diego.

I've got a picture my wife took of me being cornered by them somewhere.
posted by Lord_Pall at 3:05 AM on July 31, 2007

It's been years, and I'm still traumatized by Fran Drescher's voice!
posted by rob511 at 3:07 AM on July 31, 2007

By "petting zoo" they mean "summer camp", right?
posted by rhizome23 at 3:27 AM on July 31, 2007

FUCK YUO IM A DRAGON
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 3:27 AM on July 31, 2007

No way! I totally have Childhood Goat Trauma!

When I was like 3, I was at the petting zoo at the San Diego Zoo & I started feeding a goat. Then I decided to go feed some sheep. The goat got pissed & rammed the sheep from behind & the sheep ran me over. I guess it took years to get me back to a petting zoo.

I don't remember it much, though. I'm far more focused on the monkey-related traumas I've suffered as an adult.

Goats are okay. Monkeys are evil.
posted by miss lynnster at 3:54 AM on July 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

Re: rhymer's comment . I was visiting the Brookfield Zoo, just outside of Chicago. I was in the primate enclosure and there was this gorgeous mandrill in a glass enclosure keeping guard over a small harem of females and one infant. This awful suburban-type mom was trying to engage her small kid by pointing to him and squealing "Lookit the funny monkey! Lookit his funny butt! Lookit the funnee monkeeee!" After a few mortifying minutes of this the mandrill suddenly charged her, teeth bared & flinging mandrill poop willy-nilly- her kid was bawling, the primate house was absolutely berserk, poop was cascading all over the enclosure, and the mom was screaming "This zoo is supposed to be for families!"

You just don't get that kind of trauma from goats.
posted by maryh at 4:09 AM on July 31, 2007 [10 favorites]

I was bitten by a skunk at a petting zoo when I was about 4 years old. I had to get a tetanus shot because of that. Then, when I was about 8 years old visiting another petting zoo, I was chased for about 20 minutes by a llama who wanted my ice cream cone. Far be it for me to simply drop the ice cream and run... fat kids never drop their ice cream.
posted by debralee at 4:18 AM on July 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

Fainting goats.
Won't someone please think of the goats.
posted by No Mutant Enemy at 4:24 AM on July 31, 2007

What a bunch of whimps around here...

Give these people back the $5 they spent and get us some mefites who aren't little whiners....

for christ's sakes people...
posted by HuronBob at 4:28 AM on July 31, 2007

1975. Age 5. Reston Zoo (formerly Pet-A-Pet Farm). Ostrich assault & battery.

Note to parents: Handing your kid an ice cream cone full of animal feed and then setting him / her down on the ground to feed these beasties is ill-advised. Also, they do not seem to be able to distinguish where the cone ends and the childs hand begins. Of course, they could just be caught up in the feeding frenzy and not really thinking about it.
posted by itchylick at 4:28 AM on July 31, 2007

debralee---- A skunk at a petting zoo? WTF?
posted by maryh at 4:29 AM on July 31, 2007

Wow. I guess I'm lucky my monkey traumas never involved poop. Just teeth... and claws... flying into my face... tiny arms tangled in my hair... and... and... *faints*
posted by miss lynnster at 4:31 AM on July 31, 2007

Oh, I got nipped by a dolphin at Sea World too. And of course that had to happen on a school field trip so everyone in my class could give me crap for years about being hated by Flipper.
posted by miss lynnster at 4:33 AM on July 31, 2007

Oh, my god! I had no idea there were others that felt this way! My goat trauma came when I was 9. I was already a very self-concious and shy kid, then we went to the zoo. I went to feed a goat, big mistake, from nowhere I was swarmed by goats, hundreds of them perhaps. It was like a team of street kids at an Italian landmark and I was the one holding the flung baby. They began to nip and tug. The little ones got hold of my shorts and began to tear them off! If I had not begun to ball and run for it (goats in tow) I'm certain that I would have been ravaged by the smelly little things.
posted by Pollomacho at 4:47 AM on July 31, 2007

They ate me! A shark ate me!!!
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 4:50 AM on July 31, 2007

At age 35 on Black Island off the Florida coast, I was attacked and almost fucked by an aggressive goat that the locals had named Stinky. He came up and butted me in the belly. I turned to run, and suddenly felt a pair of cloven hooves on my shoulders and the hot breath of Stinky in my face. Stinky wasn't one of those little petting zoo mini-goats either. He was a full-sized monster goat.
posted by Cookiebastard at 4:55 AM on July 31, 2007

In 1976 I was set upon and beaten by a group of heavy set purple-assed Mandrills of the Thuggee sect, trained by vicious homophobic neo-nazi robot dwarfs hidden in the disused tunnels of an old Japanese WW2 fortress under Gugegwe island. They drugged me with scopolamine and forced me to listen to The Archies played at 78 rpm for 14 hours nonstop. This horrific abuse has left me scarred and unable to attain an erection unless physically manipulated by scantily clad or naked women of the female persuasion. Also, I want a pony.
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 5:15 AM on July 31, 2007 [2 favorites]

Back when Canadian department stores sold monkeys, a monkey in a department store (in the monkey department? I don't know) in Canada grabbed my little brother's finger, yanked it through the cage, and bit it. Blood everywhere. Screaming boy. Tetanus shot. Now he's a school bus driver.
posted by pracowity at 5:20 AM on July 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

Pfft, goats are easy, grab the horns and shove. Geese are no problem once you realize that they're really not very bright. The real terrorists of the animal kingdom are Emus. Stupid also-ran ostriches, taking their inferiority complexes out on innocent kids. Those beaks freaking sting man.
posted by Skorgu at 5:24 AM on July 31, 2007

This horrific abuse has left me scarred and unable to attain an erection

Well, you still have your "fuck Metafilter" bullshit to keep your Nostrildamus warm at night.
posted by Wolof at 5:26 AM on July 31, 2007

These alpacas look pretty menacing.
posted by amyms at 5:30 AM on July 31, 2007

I think I heard someone fart.
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 5:31 AM on July 31, 2007

Don't make me bring up the chicken.
posted by Wolof at 5:34 AM on July 31, 2007

How's the wife? :)
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 5:37 AM on July 31, 2007

I tried feeding some veggies to a goat when I was four, and the ungrateful bastard ate a third of my scalp instead.

Oddly, I love goats.
posted by dmd at 5:41 AM on July 31, 2007

That was the dog, Henry.
posted by maryh at 5:41 AM on July 31, 2007

I wish she'd stop butting in.
posted by Wolof at 5:42 AM on July 31, 2007

On goat non-preview, my last comment was addressed to Herr Mabuse.

Long may his goat shit-fed dingleberries prosper.

And his goat poo sandwiches sing to the heavens.
posted by Wolof at 5:46 AM on July 31, 2007

You guys are a strange and exciting bunch.
posted by liquorice at 5:52 AM on July 31, 2007

Oddly, I love goats.

How else would one love goats?
posted by pracowity at 5:54 AM on July 31, 2007 [5 favorites]

pracowity, how long ago was that? There's been what I assumed was an urban legend in my family about my grandma buying a vicious spider monkey at Golblatts (a Sears knock-off).
Were monkeys that available as pets, and if so, who the hell is responsible for that masterstroke of marketing?
posted by maryh at 5:55 AM on July 31, 2007

From behind?
posted by sebas at 5:55 AM on July 31, 2007

Back when Canadian department stores sold monkeys [...]

Whoa... Wait, what? I don't remember every seeing a monkey at the Bay or Sears. Surreal.
posted by splice at 6:00 AM on July 31, 2007

I know this is humor and all, but goats really are scary--as are all wild animals.
posted by zorro astor at 6:03 AM on July 31, 2007

Back when Canadian department stores sold monkeys, a monkey in a department store (in the monkey department? I don't know) in Canada grabbed my little brother's finger, yanked it through the cage, and bit it. Blood everywhere. Screaming boy. Tetanus shot. Now he's a school bus driver.

The monkey, or your little brother?
posted by spinturtle at 6:03 AM on July 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

Wow...I was totally traumatized by a goat at a petting zoo, still have the flashbacks. I was at the top of the slide, I saw the goat. I slid down...and the goat butted me in the gut, knocking me down. My dad came over, and dragged me back towards the goat (I can only think it was some version of "after your bucked off, get back up in the saddle"), and the fuckin' thing went after me again.

Only good goat is a dead 'un.
posted by prodigalsun at 6:03 AM on July 31, 2007

Bestiality advocates quote
A motto that's worthy of note:
What one finds debased
Is a matter of taste
So remember, Chacun a son goat.
posted by Wolfdog at 6:05 AM on July 31, 2007 [8 favorites]

A Canada goose at the zoo hissed and chased me. I suspect it was the same goose I had yelled at earlier in the day for being in the albatross pen, but they all look the same to me.
More animal traumas include being peed on by a cow, spat on by a moose, peed on by another cow, cat pooping in my hand, several bird attacks, and being pooped on by yet another cow from six feet away and though a barn window.

When you consider the logisitics, the last one was really more impressive than traumatizing.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 6:08 AM on July 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

This is a double post, by the way.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 6:23 AM on July 31, 2007

I grew up out in the country and we had a goat when I was a kid. His name was Smoky and he slept with his eyes open and I loved him just like a pet, but he kept defecating on the porch so my parents gave him away to the local goat butcher. How's that for goat related trauma you little nancys?
posted by ND¢ at 6:23 AM on July 31, 2007

God damn it. Now this is tuck in my head on an endless loop:

"High on a hill was a lonely goatherd
Layee odl, layee odl, lay-ee-o
Loud was the voice of the lonely goatherd
Layee odl layee odloo
Folks in a town that was quite remote heard
Layee odl, layee odl, lay-ee-o
Lusty and clear from the goatherd's throat heard
Layee odl, layee odloo..."

posted by ericb at 6:25 AM on July 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

*stuck*
posted by ericb at 6:25 AM on July 31, 2007

I have had the shit beaten out of me by geese on several occasions, I've been mobbed by them, chased for twenty minutes around and around the yard. I once left my little sister to fend for herself in the hammock while I sprinted for safety, I love my sister very much, but I was rendered insensate by terror. They hiss.

I fucking hate geese so much. Basically I think the only problem with Hitler was that he had it in for the Jews and the Homosexuals and the Gypsies and the Cripples. If he'd only focused on the real assholes, which are the Geese, I think I could have been an enthusiastic Nazi.

Fuck a goose.

I don't think I've ever laughed harder at a mefi thread.
posted by Divine_Wino at 6:26 AM on July 31, 2007

...Swans too."

When I was 5 or 6 my older sisters took me to the park and when I was sitting on the bench eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a big evil swan came up, grabbed my sandwich and ate it in one gulp. Bastard.
posted by octothorpe at 6:39 AM on July 31, 2007

pracowity, how long ago was that?

Thirty-something years ago, maybe almost forty. I can't remember which store, but I'm pretty sure we did our Canadian shopping in Niagara Falls and St Catherines.

People did have pet monkeys. My cousin had a monkey, though she didn't buy it -- it was left over from a school project.
posted by pracowity at 6:40 AM on July 31, 2007

Hitler could've given goose step a new literal meaning.
posted by miss lynnster at 6:40 AM on July 31, 2007

Fainting goat video.
posted by clevershark at 6:40 AM on July 31, 2007

Goats are NOT wild. They are domesticated. Any goats you see running around outside of a farm or pasture land are simply feral.

Goats are nice. You just need to show them who's boss. Whoever said grab the horns and push has it dead on. If they come at you, grab them by the horns and twist them off to the side.

Kick them if you need to. They're smarter than sheep, but that's not saying much.
posted by OldReliable at 6:40 AM on July 31, 2007

Geese have teeth! Nasty fuckers. And have you ever been charged at by an angry horse that you haven't done anything to? I swear I levitated. Thank god there was a tree around or I could still be circling the earth. Goat's eyes are very scary but their poo is amusing, I agree.
posted by h00py at 6:43 AM on July 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

¡Cuidado! ¡Alla es Cabras!
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:43 AM on July 31, 2007

I was trapped in the 8" space between a screen door and the entrance door of my uncle's farm house. By a billy goat. For 5 excruciatingly long minutes. When I was 2 years old. The bastard kept butting the screen trying to get me while I screamed bloody murder, but nobody heard me.

I wasn't traumatized all that much, but I'm still very thin.
posted by Enron Hubbard at 6:45 AM on July 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

Were monkeys that available as pets, and if so, who the hell is responsible for that masterstroke of marketing?

My grandfather had one for a while when my mom was fairly young (sometime in the early to mid 1950s). It's a bit of a mystery where he got it, because this is where he lived (zoom out for perspective). Not exactly a place with a huge variety of shopping options.
posted by clevershark at 6:45 AM on July 31, 2007

My two eldest children were both viciously assaulted by a rooster, on separate occasions, drawing blood from several pecks before I could get on the scene and leaving scars. Watch out! They prefer toddlers, and they go for the eyes.
posted by BinGregory at 6:46 AM on July 31, 2007

You know, having followed the "goat pooping at Disney" link I must say I'm impressed with the sheer quantity and variety of animal pooping videos on YouTube. And yet some people still think that the internet has no practical purpose!
posted by clevershark at 6:52 AM on July 31, 2007

Were monkeys that available as pets, and if so, who the hell is responsible for that masterstroke of marketing?

This ad is from a 1969 comic book, next to the nuclear submarines and brine shrimp. Despite the "live delivery" guarantee, I shudder to think what presumably hundreds of kids found when they opened the boxes after waiting 6-8 weeks.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 6:59 AM on July 31, 2007

My children will enter the goose pen at the age of five armed with plastic swords and sheilds and learn to be MEN.
posted by The Straightener at 7:01 AM on July 31, 2007 [2 favorites]

but goats really are scary--as are all wild animals.

Scary in a good way. Horripilating. Like when you're surrounded by wild boars alone at night in the woods.
posted by pracowity at 7:02 AM on July 31, 2007

i was chased by a herd of cows once.

My girlfriend and i were in a field at night, taking pictures of the moon for her photography class. I suddenly got the feeling like we were being watched. I looked over and saw some cows approaching us slowly. We started to walk back toward the fence, and they all followed us. We walked faster, they walked faster. We ran, they ran. I swear i could feel their breath on our heels as we made it to the fence.
posted by TechnoLustLuddite at 7:15 AM on July 31, 2007

@BinGregory
I was attacked by a rooster at age 4!
It's true, he only went after me (the shortest person).
I still remember his name: hoppy.

Seeing headless chickens running around was kind of weird, too. But i got over it.
posted by TechnoLustLuddite at 7:22 AM on July 31, 2007

At the zoo, when I was about five, I tried to feed popcorn to an ostrich and had my fingers bitten. Since that day, I cannot bring myself to feed a bird that's taller than I am.
posted by Clay201 at 7:31 AM on July 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

Geese have teeth!

“A new born child has no teeth.”—“A goose has no teeth.”—“A rose has no teeth.”—This last at any rate—one would like to say—is obviously true! It is even surer than that a goose has none.—And yet it is none so clear. For where should a rose’s teeth have been? The goose has none in its jaw. And neither, of course, has it any in its wings; but no one means that when he says it has no teeth. -Wittgenstein
posted by Falconetti at 7:38 AM on July 31, 2007

I worked at a daycare center years ago, and they kept a pet goat on the fenced-in playground. Goat turds? Whoa yeah. We're talking everywhere... dotting the sand like fetid chocolate chips, which is what the preschoolers seemed to think they were. But the worst was all the hair that thing ate. I can't tell you how many times I had to free a screaming 2-year-old from the jaws of Billy the Goat. He ate everything. Goats aren't cute. They're munching machines. Little munching machines with weird eyes.
posted by katillathehun at 7:56 AM on July 31, 2007

Goats do make surprisingly gentle lovers.

I've ... er ... heard.
posted by Astro Zombie at 7:58 AM on July 31, 2007

You just need to show them who's boss.

So, so true. The last time I was at a petting zoo-type thing, these little baby goats kept putting their sharp little hooves up on people. I smacked one of the little guys squarely in the middle of the forehead. He backed up, looking a little dazed, then gently, carefully approached again. I got several pissed off looks from other patrons, though. The same folks who moments before were getting scratched and bumped were looking at me as if I were some sort of child abuser. Damned city folk.
posted by MrMoonPie at 8:03 AM on July 31, 2007 [2 favorites]

A Møøse once bit my sister...
posted by markdj at 8:07 AM on July 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

Astro Zombie, you heard wrong. They're too aggressive. No subtlety. I know.
posted by Cookiebastard at 8:16 AM on July 31, 2007

Wow. I've been around geese, goats, sheep, cows, pigs and other various fauna. No attacks or bites or even scratches on me. Apparently animals just somehow respect me. Compared to you people I'm Sheena, Queen of the Jungle. I'm practically a superhero. Woo! Go me!
posted by Salmonberry at 9:27 AM on July 31, 2007

The real terrorists of the animal kingdom are Emus.

True enough. I remember our car being attacked by emus at one of those drive through safari parks. Those things could probably kill you with a few well placed jabs.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:31 AM on July 31, 2007

The real terrorists of the animal kingdom are Emus.

Giant Killer Emu Attack #1
Giant Killer Emu Attack #2
posted by amyms at 9:42 AM on July 31, 2007

I wonder if there's something like this for Goose related PTSD.

Having been chased and nipped by a goose again just last week, I immediately thought of this, too.

He was after my toes. Not knowing we were heading to a petting zoo, I wore open toed shoes. And when the big feathery bastard. started scrabbling and nipping at my naked toes, I simply I couldn't bring myself to do what circumstances demanded and kick at him. So he bit me hard on the leg instead. Dirty bird.

This is years after the separate incidents of gull and swan attacks.

Birds. I don't trust 'em.
posted by Elsa at 9:49 AM on July 31, 2007

Animals are crazy, like they have their own minds or something.

BTW, Mr_Crash_Davis - This is a double post, by the way - way to fuck up a swell time. What next? Pepsi Blue an FPP for another Really Terrific YouTube video which is viral marketing for a re-invention of some oh-so well-loved '80's franchise like Thundarr or Micronauts? Geez, I mean who amongst us can get enough of proto-beastiallity and post-X-Boomer nostalgia-ploitation?

Oh wait. Did I just say that aloud?
posted by humannaire at 9:53 AM on July 31, 2007

A goat killed me once. True story.
posted by lekvar at 10:20 AM on July 31, 2007

I've always loved goats, but at age 8, I was sneezed on by a horse on a field trip to a farm. Yes, it was slimy and warm. And yes, all the other kids laughed very hard at me.

Years later, when I saw Jurassic Park, the scene where Lex gets sneezed on by the brachiosaurus brought back memories.
posted by cmgonzalez at 10:30 AM on July 31, 2007

Metafilter: Best of the Web Indeed
posted by danherwig at 10:31 AM on July 31, 2007

When I was a kid, we lived down the road from the local Sheriff's office. At lunch time all the office ladies would change their pumps into sneakers and take a walk down the street. One day I hear all this screaming and look out the window to see the ladies running around in the strawberry field across the street, with our duck, Jack, in furious pursuit. The strawberry pickers howling with laughter was the best part.
posted by oneirodynia at 11:01 AM on July 31, 2007

I was but five. I was standing near a male peacock when it suddenly, and without warning, presented its tail feathers to me. I ran screaming. It wasn't just the surprise of it; that peacock wanted my ass, I could tell.

And that is why, even today, I can't attend Carnival in Rio.

My girlfriend and i were in a field at night, taking pictures of the moon

Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
posted by gompa at 11:50 AM on July 31, 2007

A duck chased me up a tree once and while I was not traumatized by it I did learn to respect its authority.
posted by Iron Rat at 11:54 AM on July 31, 2007

Goats? Meh! Bunch of wusses! Now, horses, man...

My 14 year old self was in the cadet corps in junior high (Junior ROTC equivalent) and we went horse riding one weekend. There were not enough horses to go round, so we took turns. As soon as it was my turn to mount (ahem), the horse decided to fall in love (lust)? and trust me, that was no mere gun in his pocket, more like a bazooka! I decided I was not going to mount the horse after all, but I guess the horse had a different idea. It wanted to mount me! I took off running and this horse started chasing after me. And by this time everyone else was rolling on the floor laughing, including the instructors!

Wait, it gets worse! The horse eventually backed me into a corner, and the fucker tried to mount me! By this time I was screaming so loudly that the stablehands figured it had gotten out of control and came to my aid. But the horse was not to be deterred! It kicked one of the stablehand in the groin, but by this time i'd climbed over the fence and skedaddled out of there!

My classmates still tease me about it, because at that time, everyone else but me had a boyfriend..."she's so hot even horses get turned on"!

Now anytime i see a horse, i instinctively check the groin area to see if it's a male, and if it is, i cross the road!
posted by ramix at 11:56 AM on July 31, 2007

Thing about monkeys though... they have HANDS. Even on their FEET. And fang-like teeth. And they will purposefully pretend to be cute in order to lull you into a false sense of comfort while, in truth, covertly plotting a sinister group attack upon you (like a scene from The Birds except with the added feature of FEET HANDS and FANG TEETH). Not to mention that they can read your thoughts and long for world domination & human bloodshed. I believe they also eat brains.

Just sayin'.
posted by miss lynnster at 12:09 PM on July 31, 2007

They're just a little bit toooooo human. Freakin' eerie. Y'know...?
posted by miss lynnster at 12:14 PM on July 31, 2007

miss lynnster: ever been to this popular Bali spot? The monkeys are really really aggressive there and will take your credit cards and make online purchases with them.
posted by Burhanistan at 12:23 PM on July 31, 2007

It's a lame joke to sell T-shirts, but that doesn't change the fact that goats suck ass BIGTIME.

I've been attacked several times by my friend's goat. It's a total fucker, as are most goats I've met.
posted by mrgrimm at 12:52 PM on July 31, 2007

The only time I can think of where I really felt menaced by an animal was a turkey on a friends farm. I think it was the first time I'd ever really encountered one alive and in the flesh. I got out of the car and it charged me; I suddenly realized that when they are not cooked and still have all their bits attached, they are really big birds. I backed off quickly and almost retreated to my car when I realized what was going on...

The farm dog, a big lab/ golden retriever/ moose, bounded out of the house to greet me, and suddenly started chasing around the bird, then in a remarkable turn of events, started running away from it as well; they were great friends and were playing. I suddenly realized that the turkey wasn't charging me, it was running to me for food/ love. Every human that it had encountered, up to that point, was a food/ head skritchy giver.

I thought it was sweet.

Until I found out that it was a 'yearly pet', meaning one that they raise, care for, and eventually eat.
posted by quin at 1:19 PM on July 31, 2007

Oh, and on the subject of fainting goats, the Wife and I were discussing the possibility of getting a hobby farm one day. She indicated that she wanted goats, and I agreed on the condition that we had to get the kind that climb trees, (because I find it surreal and awesome.)

She indicated her preference for fainting goats. My thought was that perhaps we could find fainting goats who climb trees.

There was a long pause as we contemplated how bad an idea that would be.
posted by quin at 1:24 PM on July 31, 2007 [5 favorites]

How strange -- one of my earliest childhood memories is going to a petting zoo where a goat ate my nametag -- I didn't notice it till later, when the teacher did. I was mortified!

And I've been to the Ubud Monkey Forest many times. The monkeys were extremely sweet and not at all aggressive -- if you're careful, they'll come up and sit on your lap but YMMV! Both the girl I was with and I tend to have animals like us, even nasty aggressive ones, and monkeys can be unpredictable.

Oh, I miss Bali.
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 1:26 PM on July 31, 2007

Oh yeah Burhanistan, I've been there. All over the place in Monkey Forest there are signs saying not to feed the monkeys, but damned if anyone ever pays attention. People are all lured by the covert surface cuteness of those evil little things. (For example, right after this cute video was taken, that little monkey went on a rampage right for that guy's jugular. Within minutes it was swinging through the trees with a severed red-haired head in tow. I'm pretty confident of that.)

Anyhow, I never fed monkeys as I decided the signs were probably there for a good reason even though I had yet to really understand. I saw other people being attacked in the Monkey Forest but I wasn't so I thought it was funny. My traumas occurred elsewhere & that was when I realized the dark truth about monkeys. The most memorable of my Bali monkey attacks happened pretty much exactly here. The reason you don't see monkeys in the photo there is that they are clearly in ninja mode. No doubt the photographer was killed seconds later, ripped apart by monkey fangs and clawed feet hands. Then the monkey grabbed the camera and took photos of the skeletonized corpse they had left behind.
posted by miss lynnster at 2:07 PM on July 31, 2007

On preview... lupus_yonderboy you clearly fell prey to the evil monkey masterplan. They have lulled you into a state of comfort, thinking they are harmless. Do not go back to the Monkey Forest. They have taken great time to formulate a special fate for you. Trust me on this...
posted by miss lynnster at 2:11 PM on July 31, 2007

Ain't Bali wonderful? Honeymooned there and stayed in Ubud. You can literally feel the tranquility in the atmosphere when you're driving in.

Sorry, about those damned goats...
posted by Burhanistan at 2:14 PM on July 31, 2007

True enough. I remember our car being attacked by emus at one of those drive through safari parks. Those things could probably kill you with a few well placed jabs.


The real terrorists of the animal kingdom are Emus.

Giant Killer Emu Attack #1
Giant Killer Emu Attack #2

Vindication at last!
posted by Skorgu at 4:19 PM on July 31, 2007

This thread needs robocop is bleeding. Right now.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 4:24 PM on July 31, 2007

They have lulled you into a state of comfort, thinking they are harmless.

I have four cats, two dogs, four birds, a rabbit, a chameleon, a tortoise, a couple of rats, and probably a few others that I'm forgetting. And every one of these animals are considered prey to my smallest cat; a little Siamese girl. I have watched her cause more terror than every vacuum in the house. She is the embodiment of an unstoppable¹ killing machine.

And knowing their power, I shudder when I watch this video. I'm certain that everyone in the room was dead moments later.

¹: 'Cept at nap time, natch.
posted by quin at 5:10 PM on July 31, 2007

A goat almost killed my mother.

Really. Our pet goat bit her on the hand, which we promptly forgot about. Six months later she was having unexplained seizures. Six more months and she was in the hospital with endocarditis. They finally figured out it was some combination of Brucellosis and Staphylococcus and were able to treat it, but we still kept that damn goat for other five years.
posted by arruns at 5:50 PM on July 31, 2007

gahah. my boyfriend was totally traumatized by a goat as a child. this is perfect for him.
posted by fillsthepews at 7:11 PM on July 31, 2007

I have no idea what you guys are talking about. I am like the mafackin' Beastmaster.

except for that small flock of geese that chased me around a pond once. But that was at SUNY Stony Brook, and I'm certain that they were genetically-altered-supergeese. they were crazy. and glowing.
posted by exlotuseater at 7:26 PM on July 31, 2007

You people are all pussies.

I could take a goat.
I could take a monkey.
I could probably even take an emu, as long as I could sneak up on it and get in the first blow.
A goose? Please. Geese ain't shit.

Now a cow? Cows I respect. I'm not gonna mix it up with a cow.
posted by Bonzai at 8:07 PM on July 31, 2007

I'm not gonna mix it up with a cow.

S'too bad a cow ain't gonna ask if you want to throw down or not if it takes a mind to. Cows'll FUCK YOUR SHIT UP.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 8:55 PM on July 31, 2007

I also love how on most sane continents, it's the carnivores you have to worry about. Australia has to be different though. Koalas are nasty little creatures, Kangaroos will kill you dead, Wombats are really armor-piercing landmines, Cassowaries are mean-tempered fuckers, everything in the water will make you wish for death, and Emus are velociraptors in disguise.
posted by Skorgu at 10:48 PM on July 31, 2007

I also love how on most sane continents, it's the carnivores you have to worry about.

There is a great moment in the Discworld series by Terry Pratchett, where a character ends up in XXXX (AKA Fourecks, AKA Australia), and something bad happens to him.

In this universe Multiverse, the incarnation of Death, in an attempt to find the poor soul, goes to his library and, by snapping his fingers expects to be provided with a list of the kinds of animals that could cause harm.

Of course, he is completely buried.

In an intuitive leap, he decides to ask what 'isn't' harmful, and a single sheet floats down to Him from His library, it says,

'Some of the sheep.' ...

I've never been, but based on what I've read, and what I've seen on the Discovery channel, the XXXX continent in our 'verse hates human life, and will kill us all with snakes and spiders.
posted by quin at 11:11 PM on July 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

One time...I was walking across America by myself, and was coming out of Colorado and cutting across that little tiny handle of Oklahoma to make my way into Texas.

Well, I spend a cold-ass night in Oklahoma - this was September - and then headed on out the next morning. It was cold. It was sunny but the wind, man.

Whoow!

Anyhow, so as I am going down this scenic, not another soul for miles and miles-type highway, and I can see everything for like ever, off in the distance about four miles ahead of me to my right I see some movement like WTF? kind of movement. Like a big patch of movement which is actually a little patch since it is so far away but it is so big even though it's little that I know that even though it is like I said like fourteen miles away or something I know that it is SOMETHING and a lot of it. Anyhow, I keep on walking and heading South along this loooong road.

Two things happen. One is that the dumb Oklahoma wind that is so dumbly famous freezes my hands so cold that I am unable to zip up my jacket over my sweater which is over my two shirts which is all the clothes I had with me. I was like boondogled, sort of blown away, and freakishly uncomfortable. I can't even move my fingers to zip up my jacket to warm myself up! Whoa!

And two is that big mess of something that is out there on that plain is moving, like towards me but since it is say forty miles away and I can just happen to see it's amassed hugeness from my slightly-raised higher vantage point, I am totally unworried about that thing whatever it is.

So I freak out and jump up and down and rub my useless paws together until I get semblance of motion and feeling in my fingers and get my jacket zipped. In any case it's still absurdly cold. Particularly since it isn't really, it's just this crazy co-OLD wind. Whatever. So I am walking on.

This is where it gets disturbing. That thing whatever it is has crossed over some huge amount of terrain or plain or whatever the googly moogly all that land is called. (Land swells? Whatev.) And it is moving fa-ast! And it is still so far away that I am completely-diddly unconcerned but my eye brows are seriously raised like WTFWTF? Like WTF?

And I keep on moving down this highway still way bright and early in the morning, 8-thirtyish, moving moving moving. And I am thinking, cause I am looking, is that like a herd of something or what? Like what? Horses? Cows?

Bulls?

.

And from the farthest away possibly seeable this herd of bulls has run from and is honest to goodness heading in some sort of crazy way out way towards a single point which I could somehow impossibly represent. But the scale is beyond comprehension, so uh now way cause I am like getting throw up sick to my stomach thinking about this weirdness and WTF? noone drives on this road on this planet or what? Where are the humans? AND THANK GOD THERE IS THE HUGE FENCE BETWEEN WHATVER THOSE - BULLS - ARE AND ME, right?

And as I am moving forward about a mile and a half up the road, I see a complete section of fence is missing and that is PRECISELY where those bulls are headed.

And I am looking at that opening in the fence up ahead as if it were a flying saucer or landed alien spacecraft. I mean, my eyes are bugging and my eyebrows are raised up off my forehead. I am speachless even in my own head. So what do I do? I'm just going to keep on walking. And I do and the bulls keep on running until they run right to the opening at full bore and then just STOP. Like BAM! Stopped.

And then as I make my way down the highway up to that place, bulls waiting, watching, me having a complete and absolute freakout stroke and all by myself except for this herd of assassin bulls freaking STARING ME DOWN but me just keeping on walking walking walking, I pass the fence opening and the bulls are just standing there glaring - I swear they are freaking GLARING - in complete bull silence.

And they just stand there. Like there were going to pull a Deliverance Animal Farm on me, but then forgot something but they were still intent on something they just forgot and it was me but they forgot it was me even though I was walking right pass them like they Jedi'd themselves and I was freaking Ichabod Craning it right pass their crazy-ass murder-in their-eyes wicked but outrageously scary dumb selves.

And I just keep on walking looking back, and they jsut stand there watching me for like a mile until some lady and her friend pick me up and put me in the back of their pick-up all the way to Texas where it is now snowing.

And I still think back, how in the world did those bulls see me in the first place? Whoa
posted by humannaire at 10:15 AM on August 1, 2007 [4 favorites]

I once knew a goat named Betsy. She would eat my lit cigaretts and then sneeze smoke.
posted by johnj at 4:02 PM on August 1, 2007 [1 favorite]

Did anyone else think of that episode of King of the Hill, with the dolphin...?
posted by Many bubbles at 6:55 PM on August 2, 2007