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August 20, 2007 8:23 PM   Subscribe

Porn Star Registry List. As part of the Adam Walsh Child Safety and Protection Act (Sec. 503, p. 51), the "Department of Justice wants to come up with an official list of every porn star in America - and slap stiff penalties on producers who don't cooperate." Is this an effective way to make sure porn movie producers don't hire underage actors, or is this, as Paul Cambria alleges, a violation of first amendment rights?
posted by John of Michigan (153 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

 
As long as they index and cross-reference them by fetish, physical characteristics and orientation, I see no problem with this registry. Oh yes, please put it online as well.
posted by GuyZero at 8:26 PM on August 20, 2007


Mark Foley at the signing of the Adam Wash Child Safety and Protection Act - which he was instrumental in getting passed.
posted by Poolio at 8:28 PM on August 20, 2007 [1 favorite]


Nice post title . . . but of course, they don't usually come first. That's usually a little later in the film.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 8:28 PM on August 20, 2007


Needs "slap" and "stiff" tags.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 8:29 PM on August 20, 2007


What does this accomplish that 2257 does not? I'm all for protecting both the minors and the consumers of pornography from illegal content, but I thought that 2257 already required these records to be kept.
posted by Crotalus at 8:29 PM on August 20, 2007


Well I for one refuse to register.
posted by Sailormom at 8:30 PM on August 20, 2007


This seems like a lame attempt at helping public officials stalk porn stars.
posted by mullingitover at 8:35 PM on August 20, 2007 [2 favorites]


Is this designed to kill amateur porn?

IE: Post a video of yourself and your girlfriend online? Surprise, you've broken the law.
posted by kid ichorous at 8:36 PM on August 20, 2007 [3 favorites]


Oh how nice. In the future parents will just receive emailed alerts whenever their daughters get abortions or make porn.

What sort of deranged molesters could possibly object?
posted by washburn at 8:39 PM on August 20, 2007 [2 favorites]


This seems like a lame attempt at helping public officials stalk porn stars.

I thought the same thing, except it's not so lame, actually. Sounds like it might work real well.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 8:39 PM on August 20, 2007


Perhaps this was proposed by the Big Porn lobby to protect themselves from smaller competitors.

Man, Big Porn is just evil.
posted by sourwookie at 8:39 PM on August 20, 2007 [2 favorites]


Good luck enforcing that internationally. It took U.S. authorities years to shut down AllOfMP3.com, and they really want to repeat that procedure with every foreign porn site that decides it's not going to participate in this registry?

Ridiculous. At best, it might impact the U.S. 'porn industry,' but it's not going to really affect porn. I strongly suspect that due to the proliferation of digital camcorders and cameras, there's more porn being made today than ever before. No amount of regulation is going to change that, and regulation that makes professionally-made porn more expensive to produce is only going to push viewers towards unregulated/amateur or internationally-produced product.
posted by Kadin2048 at 8:40 PM on August 20, 2007


This is the part where I nervously ask for the definition of porn star, isn't it.
posted by honeydew at 8:40 PM on August 20, 2007 [2 favorites]


The LarryC on that list is someone else.
posted by LarryC at 8:42 PM on August 20, 2007 [1 favorite]


There is no equivalent for this in Canada is there? Guess where the porn will move?
posted by SirOmega at 8:46 PM on August 20, 2007


Enforcing this would be nearly impossible. Porn is easy to transmit, mail or download from Canada, Brazil, Romania etc etc and authorities in those countries might pay lip service but almost certainly would not devout many resources to enforcing American trade restrictions that this law might entail.

I can see why a lot of groups don't want there to be a porn industry, but its huge.... and hurting the supply won't impact the demand. This would send the demand overseas or to underground porn sources, and the underground would naturally have no controls at all.
posted by Deep Dish at 8:51 PM on August 20, 2007


Did they define "porn" yet? If not, how can they define a "porn list". For instance ... is Chloe Sevigny a porn actress?
posted by RavinDave at 8:59 PM on August 20, 2007


Can I sign myself up, if I'm a pornstar in my mind?
posted by stevis23 at 9:03 PM on August 20, 2007


I'm really gratified to know that our courageous lawmakers have moved onto this stuff, having already solved the great public policy problems of our day, notably health care, education and poverty.
posted by psmealey at 9:09 PM on August 20, 2007 [10 favorites]


This sounds like a good idea, and I bet the government could even make a little money off of this. Make a porn star registry, maintain and sell a database of all registered. Create software to look up particular actors based on physical descriptions, fetishes, pseudonyms, nicknames, aliases, etc. Kind of like a the Chemical Abstracts Service does for chemicals. The equivalent to a CAS registry number would be a PAIN (porn actor identification number) registry number. Or a PAIN RN. Not only would minors be potentially more protected (by one standard), but it would be easier for people to keep track of pron.

Of course, you'd need something like a Porn Abstracts Service. This is where the potential for a privatized registry comes in. Why not an analogy to the American Chemical Society with our very own American Porn Society. Journals could be published! Profits could be made. I mean, if someone comes up with a working system, sells it real hard with an extremely professional demeanor, couldn't a registry kept within the private sector? If the US bureaucracy is not content without making more work for themselves, you could always create an Inspector of Porn Registration standards or something.
posted by Mister Cheese at 9:10 PM on August 20, 2007 [2 favorites]


Its clearly a way for entrepreneurs to make big bucks using the list to power a big website of all registered porn stars in one place so everyone can watch them.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:10 PM on August 20, 2007



There is no equivalent for this in Canada is there? Guess where the porn will move?

Give us your retired, your porn

Your uninsured masses, yearning to medicate for free

The same sex married refuse of your teeming shores,

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,

I lift my lamp beside the frozen door!

posted by Zinger at 9:10 PM on August 20, 2007 [11 favorites]


i am not a porn star, i am a subject of tasteful erotica!
posted by bruce at 9:16 PM on August 20, 2007


Zinger for the win!
posted by speug at 9:20 PM on August 20, 2007


What's your "porn name?" (or, elsewhere, your "drag name?")

It's YOUR FIRST PET'S NAME + YOUR CHILDHOOD STREET NAME.

In my case -- "Pinky M'Fingal."

Yours?
posted by ericb at 9:22 PM on August 20, 2007


There is no equivalent for this in Canada is there? Guess where the porn will move?

ooh! i know, the porn will move to Afghanistan? imagine all that opium fueled smut! seems like a justifiable excuse for a US military invasion.

it won't be long until there is an equivalent. our respective leaders are currently all cozied up in a small Quebec town discussing all sorts of ways to screw with our rights.

does the 1st amendment really matter anymore? i mean the entire US constitution seems to be largely ignored by the current administration. will any future administration fix this?

the governments are doing shit like this, and getting away with shit like this, because the majority of the population figure someone else will fight it on their behalf. so apathetic we are.
posted by spish at 9:29 PM on August 20, 2007


because if some 17 year old minor who has been out on the street turning tricks for four years were to appear in some low budget porn video, that would like totally scar her for life
posted by caddis at 9:30 PM on August 20, 2007 [3 favorites]


I'll do anything to help the cause. I'm willing to help smuggle porn stars across the border. I'll lead human chains of scantily clad men and women through streams, forests, and darkness. We'll get to our Canadian Valhalla and consummate like free adults of opposite sexes.

If this government intrusion is allowed to continue, they'll demand the registering of dogs next. That's right. Dogs. So oppose big government, help porn stars return to the wilds of Europe and Canada.

Let's show these government dicks that, when we want to be, we can be a bunch of real assholes.


To anyone from the DNC: If you want me to run for something, drop me an email or check me out on myspace. Peace in the Middle East.
posted by SinisterPurpose at 9:33 PM on August 20, 2007


I applaud John Walsh for relentlessly hunting down the porn stars that killed his son Adam.
posted by fandango_matt at 9:33 PM on August 20, 2007 [2 favorites]


ericb writes "It's YOUR FIRST PET'S NAME + YOUR CHILDHOOD STREET NAME.

"In my case -- 'Pinky M'Fingal.'

"Yours?"


Princess Burnside.
posted by peep at 9:35 PM on August 20, 2007



"Yours?"

Tigerlily Burning Tree
posted by dejah420 at 9:42 PM on August 20, 2007


Princess Burnside.
posted by peep at 11:35 PM on August 20


Lucky Winneconne
posted by SinisterPurpose at 9:42 PM on August 20, 2007


Crotalus, this takes 2257 and updates it to try and get around the continuing civil suits and injunctions.

The free speech coalition is opposing this, and has gotten a preliminary injunction against some of the provisions.
posted by BrotherCaine at 9:46 PM on August 20, 2007


My porn star name is going to be Adam Walsh.
posted by fandango_matt at 9:49 PM on August 20, 2007 [3 favorites]


If I get drunk at a party, and this drunken state inspires me to drop my trousers and moon someone whose behavior annoys me, and if that person responds to my boorish behind-baring by taking a picture of my gigantic, glow-in-the-dark white ass and posting it online, have I become a pr0n star?
posted by jason's_planet at 9:55 PM on August 20, 2007


Of course this has nothing to do with protecting children. We have almost every conceivable law in place already to protect children from exploitation. Its really about making it harder to produce porn within the United States.

Also, my career as the leading flabby nerd pornstar in America is imperiled by this.

My name would be "Avenger Condor", which really sounds more like a mid-sized Spanish automobile than a porn star.
posted by Avenger at 9:57 PM on August 20, 2007


Fred Freeman.
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 10:00 PM on August 20, 2007


.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:02 PM on August 20, 2007


Tiny Tim Monte Verde

Hmm, I'm guessing that's not ever going to be a big name in porn. Unless maybe he's a midget or something.
posted by doctor_negative at 10:03 PM on August 20, 2007


Tracks Memorial doesn't have much box office power. But then, it was Tracks St. Mary's when we moved there. Then again, we still had Ebenezer, so it would be Ebenezer St. Mary's. Or before that, Ebenezer Jackson.

Now if only I could put Tracks and Jackson together, I'd have a shot at a franchise.
posted by dhartung at 10:08 PM on August 20, 2007


My porn star name would be "Zapper Sheldon." That's pretty awesome.

It's not a coincidence that Walsh's biggest ally in the senate was Mark Foley, because Foley "really cared" about the children.
posted by delmoi at 10:10 PM on August 20, 2007


"Yours?"

Rocky Carousel.

I also heard it as First Pet's Name + Mother's Maiden Name.
posted by papakwanz at 10:25 PM on August 20, 2007


For instance ... is Chloe Sevigny a porn actress?

No, she just sucks.

Oh, wait...
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 10:26 PM on August 20, 2007 [1 favorite]


I also heard it as First Pet's Name + Mother's Maiden Name.

That would be excellent for identity theft, too, so you can claim it really wasn't you on screen.
posted by Malor at 10:27 PM on August 20, 2007


King Kriegbaum.
posted by mullingitover at 10:28 PM on August 20, 2007


Hmm, would I rather be Susie Leclerc or Susie Highway 360?
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 10:29 PM on August 20, 2007


"Yours?"

Toby Long

I also heard it as First Pet's Name + Mother's Maiden Name.

Or in your reality, Toby Butfoy. I'm seeing some openings in anal themed porn with that name.
posted by tim_in_oz at 10:31 PM on August 20, 2007


No comment. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.
posted by davy at 10:38 PM on August 20, 2007


I'd be Frisky Barrett.

Does this new law apply to amateur webcammers? I waded through the first half of the law, but it seemed to be primarily a name check of murdered children. I feel for the parents, but I think a better way to create a memorial for your child would be to start a scholarship or commission a work of art.
posted by figment of my conation at 10:39 PM on August 20, 2007


A government registry? What could possibly go wrong?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:43 PM on August 20, 2007


The thought occurs to me that this the government insisting you need a license to fuck.
posted by Malor at 10:58 PM on August 20, 2007


While they're at it, a list of every gospel-spouting Republican politician who's ever been arrested or convicted of consorting or pedophilia might help us feel more "secure" from sex.

Quid pro quo.

Although seeing as all the Dem Prez candidates were gushing about "prayer" in the last debate ... better list all of them too. For being oleaginous.


posted by Twang at 10:58 PM on August 20, 2007


kitty beirut
posted by bruce at 11:16 PM on August 20, 2007


Yours?

Lucy Tuckawanna
posted by flapjax at midnite at 11:26 PM on August 20, 2007


Why stop at registering the pr0n stars? We should round 'em all up and stick 'em in a camp, or a prison. With female guards wearing thigh-high boots. Punishments for infractions would be meted out with a riding crop or leather whip. And I'd be the warden. NO! The Comandante! And... and...


I'll be in my bunk.
posted by lekvar at 11:28 PM on August 20, 2007


Man, MORE paperwork? I hope the guys up in archives don't hear about this— it'll be another major pain in the ass, I'll bet. (At least 2257 paperwork keeps me employed). I mean, they just issued a new form that we have to use every time we mail something...

And our lawyer mandated 2257s are retarded— they ask "What other names have you ever been known by or performed under?" about ten different ways, and the girls seem to always botch 'em (which is easy to understand, since they're all Estonian or Uzbek or from Ohio), and the photographers just barely care.

Whenever I hear about something like this, I think "Wow, they musta caught Osama while giving me health care, because why else would they be wasting public money on this bullshit?"
posted by klangklangston at 11:28 PM on August 20, 2007 [3 favorites]


Shithead Birchwood.

Sigh.
posted by five fresh fish at 11:30 PM on August 20, 2007 [2 favorites]


And depending upon what counts as first pet and where I grew up, I'm either Sun Ra Capac or Bailey Arrowwood (or maybe Silver Rocket Kitty Arrowwood, if it's the first pet I named).

My mother's last name is Wideman, so let's not go there.
posted by klangklangston at 11:31 PM on August 20, 2007


Sunshine Crestmere.

With every other useless law on the books, I suspect enforcement of this will take precedent just above the "donkeys cannot wear hats on Sunday" legislation.
posted by bunnytricks at 11:35 PM on August 20, 2007


When donkeys wearing hats on Sunday are outlawed only outlaws will have donkeys wearing hats on Sunday!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 11:37 PM on August 20, 2007


And awesomely enough there's already a porn star who uses my real name.
posted by bunnytricks at 11:37 PM on August 20, 2007


Tiger Elm
posted by RavinDave at 11:39 PM on August 20, 2007


Silver Streak Bighorn.
posted by YoBananaBoy at 11:46 PM on August 20, 2007


Rock Hardbanger.

don't ask.
posted by Justinian at 11:48 PM on August 20, 2007


Hang Williams
posted by chillmost at 11:52 PM on August 20, 2007


Taffy Salem here, reminding you: That government is best which governs least.

G'night everybody!
posted by oncogenesis at 11:57 PM on August 20, 2007


Will the people on this list be kicked off of WoW?
posted by homunculus at 11:57 PM on August 20, 2007


Dirk Groiner
posted by djrock3k at 12:11 AM on August 21, 2007


Cocoa Chism.
posted by aerotive at 12:14 AM on August 21, 2007


Thunder Johnson
posted by uandt at 1:00 AM on August 21, 2007


"Yours?"

Frida Silverwood.
posted by piratebowling at 1:25 AM on August 21, 2007


Interestingly, mine would be Joey Michaels.
posted by Joey Michaels at 2:03 AM on August 21, 2007


Taja Boyce.

It does have an exotic ring to it.
posted by cj_ at 2:13 AM on August 21, 2007


Blazecock "Firecrotch" Pileon.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:14 AM on August 21, 2007


Sturgis Obispo.



That's what I get for letting my stepfather name the dogs after Harleys...
posted by Katemonkey at 2:27 AM on August 21, 2007


This is a really weird law that only Puritans would make up. Why not just demand that all employers of all types provide proof that all employees are old enough to consent to their work? Are there skinny little boys working in dark Kentucky coal mines? Are exhausted little girls slaving away over dangerous machinery in sweatshops in the Bronx? Are scared Mexican kids picking fruit 12 hours a day in California orchards? It doesn't matter. You're never too young to learn the meaning of a hard day's work. What matters is that no 15-year-old is having sex next to a Beverly Hills swimming pool.

What's also weird is all the name-checking in the act. (Dru Sjodin National Sex Offender Public Website. Megan Nicole Kanka and Alexandra Nicole Zapp Community Notification Program. Jetseta Gage assured punishment for violent crimes against children. Jimmy Ryce State civil commitment programs for sexually dangerous persons. Jessica Lunsford Address Verification Grant Program. Masha's Law.)

I'm kind of hoping this spreads to all other lawmaking. The Mickey McDonald no cold pizza delivery act. The Bunny McCloud muffler repair shop vending machine refund protection declaration. And include in the legal record little descriptions of the terrible indignities and inconveniences that poor Mickey and Bunny had to suffer.

(Blackie Joe River, by the way.)
posted by pracowity at 2:44 AM on August 21, 2007 [1 favorite]


Rusty Japonica (great for a redhead!).
posted by alltomorrowsparties at 2:48 AM on August 21, 2007


Merlin Marx. Which sounds awesome, although confusing.
posted by Cironian at 2:55 AM on August 21, 2007


Are they kidding? Fans of the stuff have been keeping detailed records of aliases, resumes, and the rest for a decade, and probably have done a better job with the details than the feds could ever do, all while typing with one hand. Here's a nice safe-for-work wikipedia entry on the major database, though there are others.

This is really just an excuse for G-men to watch porn on the job, and a way to try change the subject for Alberty "Abu" Gonzalez.

Why must the hypocrites be so fucking obtuse?
posted by fourcheesemac at 3:10 AM on August 21, 2007


Guinness Ladybank
posted by kosher_jenny at 3:31 AM on August 21, 2007


I hope kink.com makes a PSA about this like the one they made for the 2257[NSFW] regulations.
posted by Skorgu at 3:42 AM on August 21, 2007


Put me down as Huge Jackman.
posted by sexymofo at 4:08 AM on August 21, 2007


Yours?

Snoop Ludlow, but as a rigger call me... Knot Hardly.
posted by Kinbote at 4:16 AM on August 21, 2007


Clearly an election is just around the bend
posted by i_am_a_Jedi at 4:19 AM on August 21, 2007


Perfect for a 70s female porn star: Muffin Underwood
posted by kimota at 4:32 AM on August 21, 2007


I think I may win:

Spunky Stormwood
posted by Bugbread at 4:35 AM on August 21, 2007


I think this is a brilliant way to keep illegal aliens out of our All-American porn. You know, those lepers who so desperately want to take our jobs.

Of course, any porn starring me would be an extremely narrow niche market--even I wouldn't watch.

Mine? Big Red Oakdale.

and this side note: And depending upon what counts as first pet and where I grew up, I'm either Sun Ra Capac or Bailey Arrowwood (or maybe Silver Rocket Kitty Arrowwood, if it's the first pet I named).


First pet you named was the kitten named Reggie (and that was Capac)--and we told you that Reggie ran away. Hate to break it to you, she was eaten by the German Shepard in the back yard.

My guess is that some fool was masturbating somewhere, thus making his demise inevitable.

And Silver Rocket was Capac, too.
posted by beelzbubba at 5:13 AM on August 21, 2007


Ooo, ooo. I always win the porn-name game.

Jasper Greasewood.


*bows*
posted by hermitosis at 5:18 AM on August 21, 2007


Bow before the tumescent majesty of Dingo Zuni.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 5:18 AM on August 21, 2007


Reading more carefully, I can see the competition in here is actually pretty stiff.
posted by hermitosis at 5:20 AM on August 21, 2007 [1 favorite]


I'm Blue Blaisdell, which sounds pretty porny, but my kids are, respectively, Hermes Thatcher-Brook and Angus School. My step-sons are even worse: Tweets and Taz Julie-Ann.
posted by Biblio at 5:24 AM on August 21, 2007


Brutus Smithridge
posted by psmealey at 5:49 AM on August 21, 2007


I didn't have a childhood nickname. *weep*

If you want to understand, you have to realize that there are men and women out there for whom the sight of nude female breasts is offensive. That's right, if some 20 year old perky college streaker ran past them in a toboggan hat and knee-high socks they wouldn't think, "Nice boobs!" they'd think "Hey! Put those things away!" Those people vote, and for them porn must be stopped.
posted by a robot made out of meat at 5:50 AM on August 21, 2007 [1 favorite]


Those people vote, and for them porn must be stopped.

Yep. Arguably, there may be plenty of valid reasons to argue against porn, but the fact that one finds it offensive or that one needs to "protect the children" from it are certainly not among them.
posted by psmealey at 5:54 AM on August 21, 2007


Rex Rural Route #3445
posted by sy at 5:55 AM on August 21, 2007 [2 favorites]


Am I the only person that the pornstar name thing doesn't work for? I've never had a pet, the street I first lived in has an oddly boring name (Aubin...) and my mother's maiden name is too weirdly ethnic to work. What is one to do o porn-lords?
posted by ob at 5:59 AM on August 21, 2007


Rex Rural Route #3445

I should have previewed. I'm not the only one...
posted by ob at 6:01 AM on August 21, 2007


Sukey Fischer (dull dull dull)

If I get drunk at a party, and this drunken state inspires me to drop my trousers and moon someone whose behavior annoys me, and if that person responds to my boorish behind-baring by taking a picture of my gigantic, glow-in-the-dark white ass and posting it online, have I become a pr0n star?


Only if someone wanks to it, and then passes it on to their friends who wank to it also and then a wannabe entrepreneur somehow manages to make money from it without you receiving a penny. Then you get to go to Cannes! (Too much Irvine Welsh? Maybe.)
posted by h00py at 6:02 AM on August 21, 2007


H. R. Puffinstuff Maple.
posted by Cookiebastard at 6:06 AM on August 21, 2007


Jimmy Magnolia.

I'm not sure what that means.
posted by gregvr at 6:17 AM on August 21, 2007


Jacque Willowbrook

It took U.S. authorities years to shut down AllOfMP3.com
Sort of. Also, Former AllOfMP3 boss found "not guilty" in Russian court

posted by kirkaracha at 6:23 AM on August 21, 2007


For instance ... is Chloe Sevigny a porn actress? oh lord, please yes.

(Fuzzo Lawrence goes searching Netflix....)
posted by spinturtle at 6:31 AM on August 21, 2007


i am not a porn star, i am a subject of tasteful erotica!

Tasteful is in the eye of the beholder, Bruce. Now who said you could take that tasteful ball gag out of your mouth?

Back on the topic: is this, as Paul Cambria alleges, a violation of first amendment rights?

While I'm in no way an advocate of registry lists, I don't see how this would violate anyone's rights. It doesn't say they can't do it, only that they'd have to sign a list first.

Also, I did not realize that fellatio constituted speech, I would have thought more freedom of assembly or freedom of religion (oh god, oh god!)?
posted by Pollomacho at 6:32 AM on August 21, 2007


What's your "porn name?"

Max Pleasant.
posted by NationalKato at 6:36 AM on August 21, 2007


Also, I did not realize that fellatio constituted speech (...)

That would be mmmph mmmph splergh ergghle, right?

But then, thinking about it, you probably weren't being literal.
posted by h00py at 6:45 AM on August 21, 2007


And also, lots of people substitute fellatio for actual conversation apparently! Me, I like a more reciprocal kinda deal but as I'm not filming it I guess that's not on topic.
posted by h00py at 6:47 AM on August 21, 2007


Charlie 35A, available at fine purveryors of robot erotica everywhere.
posted by bonehead at 6:48 AM on August 21, 2007


Beauty Bosworth

But I guess it's fine just as it is.
posted by Sk4n at 7:00 AM on August 21, 2007


Registering pornstars is only half the solution. We also need to register (and, ideally, barcode) all children in the USA so we'll know if there's any overlap between the two lists.

Considering how well they've done with the no-fly lists, banning everyone named "David Nelson," for example, I'm sure this will go smoothly. As if freshly coated with astroglide.
posted by adamrice at 7:02 AM on August 21, 2007


I would wager this is an attempt to protect prosecutors from embarrassment when their kiddy porn cases fall apart. This would allow them the option to follow up with conspiracy charges, similar to how selling fake drugs will get you similar punishment, in some states. Not on the registry? Then you and your customers are clearly conspiring against decency and morality.

We’ll learn these whores yet, I tell ya.
posted by paxton at 7:07 AM on August 21, 2007


Pokey St. Louis
posted by hydrophonic at 7:14 AM on August 21, 2007


The whole pet / street name thing doesn't work for me: Louis Kimberly just doesn't sound like a name for a porn star of any sex....

On topic: While this isn't really a 1st Ammendment issue, its definately the supposed free market types throwing insane barriers in the way of an amazingly successful industry. The reflexive right wing opposition to anything fun, and especially to anything having to do with sex, is obviously more important than their dedication to the free market.

But that's just th modern Republican party for you, they're in favor of the sacred "State's Rights", but only as long as "State's Rights" is a codeword for crushing individual rights. California's medical marijuana law, Oregon's assisted suicide law, neither of those were about eleminating individual rights so they obviously don't count as "State's Rights".

They're in favor of the free market, but only if that means making workers less safe, food less safe, etc, if it means not harrassing a profitable (tax paying) industry that involves fun and/or sex then the former free market fanatics fall all over themselves to impose burdensome regulation that they'd scream bloody murder about if it were imposed on any other industry.

They're in favor of family values, as long as they get to keep protecting pedophile priests, pedophile Republican politicians, etc. A Republican, apparently, is someone who thinks sex is dirty, ugly, shameful, and disgusting, so they protect their families from it by raping their step-daughters [1], offering blowjobs to undercover cops in park toilets [2], and traveling to the child sex-slavery capitol of the western world with a suitcase full of viagra issued under someone else's name [3]. Yup, gotta love them Republican family values.

[1] Beverly Russell, step-father of Susan Smith, head of his local Republican Party and Christian Coalition, and an incestuous pedophile rapist.

[2] Bob Allen, Florida State Senator, noted for his long, hard, firm, work and stiff resolved in attempts to pass laws with the purpose of making life more difficult for homosexuals who aren't creepy Republicans.

[3] The Dominican Republic, favorite vacation spot of Rush Limbaugh, who I'm sure went there with lots of (improperly obtained) viagra for reasons that had nothing at all to do with fucking nine year old girls. There's lots of other things he could have been doing with that viagra, right?
posted by sotonohito at 7:14 AM on August 21, 2007


Queenie State Route 15?

and...

"Also, I did not realize that fellatio constituted speech"

If money is considered speech, why not the money shot?
posted by Mcable at 7:21 AM on August 21, 2007


Chester Salisbury.

Worst. Porn Name. Ever.
posted by Rangeboy at 7:52 AM on August 21, 2007


Paws Layton. Best among my acquaintances are Gozer Harry Byrd and Moonbeam 698 (sci-fi porn!).
posted by clavicle at 7:58 AM on August 21, 2007


Now who said you could take that tasteful tasty ball gag out of your mouth?

There, fixed that for you.

Also, Noche Ester. What the heck kind of work does that get you? Nun porn?
posted by elfgirl at 8:10 AM on August 21, 2007


I'm a tad confused. Does STREET NAME mean nickname or the name of the street you grew up in? Like ob and a robot made out of meat I didn't have a nickname and the name of my growing-up street - College Road - doesn't work.

Patch Payne, though, by the other method. I like it.

But this whole 'let's protect the people from naughty pictures' thing. Do me a favour.
posted by Myeral at 8:11 AM on August 21, 2007


No one has posted this, but I'm wondering... since this is publicly gathered information, can't it be viewed by anyone under a FOIA inquiry?
Doesn't this sort of jeopardize pornstars' anonymity, exposing them potentially to stalkers etc. who will now know their real name and possibly other information about them?
posted by PsyDev at 8:12 AM on August 21, 2007


Pollomacho writes "While I'm in no way an advocate of registry lists, I don't see how this would violate anyone's rights. It doesn't say they can't do it, only that they'd have to sign a list first. "

Really? So you'd have no problem with say a national reporters registry? WebMasters registry? Photographers registry (gotta sign up before making your stuff on flickr public)? Maybe a protesters registry would be a good idea?
posted by Mitheral at 8:15 AM on August 21, 2007


I would be all for the Porn Star Registry if it were like the Star Registry and I could pay 50 bucks to have a porn star named after someone. I bet the certificates would be really cool.
posted by jrossi4r at 8:18 AM on August 21, 2007 [4 favorites]


Really now has there ever been a time when those who point the finger (have 3 other pointing back at them) has been a more relevant aphorism? These are people who cannot deal with their own temptations so they have to ruin it for all of us. I have no problem with people who stop drinking because they can't handle it but does that mean you have to close down all the bars?
posted by any major dude at 8:45 AM on August 21, 2007


pet name+street name = worst pr0n name ever: Snoopy Houghtailing.
posted by rtha at 8:47 AM on August 21, 2007


I thank everyone who posted their mother's maiden name. I'll raise a toast in your honor (a toast I paid for with your identity because you made is so much easier to steal).
posted by Mick at 8:54 AM on August 21, 2007


Frosty Heatherfield
posted by papercake at 9:13 AM on August 21, 2007


pet name+street name = worst pr0n name ever: Snoopy Houghtailing.

In versions where this is your first pet and first street name, I'm Hungamunga Rampart.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:20 AM on August 21, 2007 [1 favorite]


Working in the adult industry, I can tell you that 2257 is enough of a pain in the ass, but as the records are already kept, sending them off to Uncle Sam wouldn't be that hard.
posted by hellphish at 9:21 AM on August 21, 2007


Rocky Monserate
posted by the_bone at 9:23 AM on August 21, 2007


Hellphish— Where do you work? Feel free to email me if you don't want to out yourself too much, but as a recent new hire in the adult industry, it's kinda neat to see other porno mefites.
posted by klangklangston at 9:36 AM on August 21, 2007


Dylan St. Charles
posted by Meatbomb at 9:39 AM on August 21, 2007


Yappy Haviland.

Or if "my" pet is taken more literally: Benny Haviland, or Benny Blue Barn. (Haviland is kind of porny, i guess, but I think people would tend to make 'Yappy' stick out of perversity.)

Anyway, I thought there was already an industry-sponsored registry, de facto, that tracked your STD-test status. Or did I just, like, dream that or something? (That's possible. I woke up the other morning convinced I was in Greece. It looked like a shopping mall. I have never been to Greece.)

And anyway, the more they register porn, the more they marginalize it -- the happier they make the racketeers, hte more miserable they make the lives of the performers and the more vulnerable they make themselves, when they inevitably stray or partake, to blackmail. Can we say 'Mark Foley', people?

I think it helps to understand about one particular Puritan mindset, that it's so driven by guilt and shame that it profoundly warps people. They start doing shit they believe to be eeeeevil because they think they are evil. They're trying to deserve the punishment they feel must be waiting for them. (Devil in Miss Jones, anyone?) Mark Foleys and their ilk -- they do the abusive things they do in no small part because of their Puritan ethos.

Pr0n depends on Puritanism just as surely as Puritanism depends on vice. The relationship isn't simple, though; it would take generations without one or the other for its counterpart to wither, because people would keep re-inventing them in their minds and in the stories that they tell to each other about why they do/think/feel the things they do.
posted by lodurr at 9:40 AM on August 21, 2007 [1 favorite]


rtha, I've got you beat...

Snuffles Buckwheeat

thank you and goodnight...
posted by WhipSmart at 9:41 AM on August 21, 2007


Snuffles Buckwheeat

:::falls out of chair laughing:::
posted by rtha at 9:57 AM on August 21, 2007


I was about to post, "what's a childhood street name", but now I get it. Here I thought everyone had these weird nicknames when they were kids.
posted by indigo4963 at 10:10 AM on August 21, 2007



I would be all for the Porn Star Registry if it were like the Star Registry and I could pay 50 bucks to have a porn star named after someone. I bet the certificates would be really cool.


Already on it. Look for this service soon.
posted by OverlappingElvis at 10:19 AM on August 21, 2007 [1 favorite]


Myrtle Jonkerbergerstrasse.
posted by veedubya at 10:41 AM on August 21, 2007


Gracie State
posted by pieoverdone at 10:52 AM on August 21, 2007


...Rascal Kilarney. Euw.
posted by Space Kitty at 10:55 AM on August 21, 2007


Pollomacho: While I'm in no way an advocate of registry lists, I don't see how this would violate anyone's rights.

That's because your notion of rights is incorrectly limited to "things that the Authorities let us do". See how that's self-defeating?
posted by oncogenesis at 11:49 AM on August 21, 2007


Increase Riverside...

pathetic! (and no, when I named my rabbit increase, I did not know it was a Puritan name, nor did I know she wouldn't be having any babies).

A friend of mine is Thumper No -- which I think is brilliant.
posted by Maias at 12:06 PM on August 21, 2007


Stubby Woodland.
posted by The Card Cheat at 12:15 PM on August 21, 2007


Chewy Emery.

Awyeah.
posted by katillathehun at 12:34 PM on August 21, 2007


I always liked my porn name - Peanut Woodruff - but my wife's beats mine. Hers is Pussy Pomeroy.
posted by yhbc at 12:44 PM on August 21, 2007


Actually, mine's Jacques Winterberry. I regret the error.
posted by kirkaracha at 1:04 PM on August 21, 2007


Scamper [the] 21st.

Has a certain ring, huh?
posted by Danf at 1:07 PM on August 21, 2007


Romeo Oldfarm.

At work, we have a documentation forum, and everyone's name on it is their "porn name." The choicest selections:

Tippy Sanborn
Puff Chatham
... aaaaaaaaaand...
RUSTY VALLEY
posted by synaesthetichaze at 3:13 PM on August 21, 2007


Yours?

Kirby Charles Polk
posted by Robert Angelo at 4:07 PM on August 21, 2007


Poozer 49th Street.
posted by everichon at 4:22 PM on August 21, 2007


AJ 44

Other people have pornstar names, I get a fscking serial number.
posted by Skorgu at 4:38 PM on August 21, 2007


Other people have pornstar names, I get a fscking serial number.

Robot porn!
posted by ericb at 4:48 PM on August 21, 2007


Never play strip poker with a robot (NSFW)
posted by caddis at 5:15 PM on August 21, 2007


lodurr A more insightful and thoughtful analysis than my ranting was. Thanks.
posted by sotonohito at 5:51 PM on August 21, 2007


Onyx Wood.

( Which does sound good, but doesn't really capture my je ne sais quoi )
posted by milovoo at 3:27 PM on August 22, 2007


Snuffles Denbigh.
posted by the_very_hungry_caterpillar at 12:17 PM on August 24, 2007


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