Arguing pays off
August 21, 2007 9:25 AM   Subscribe

Women who stifle themselves in marital arguments die younger says a recent study.
posted by serazin (35 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

 
Thanks for confirming the dangers of the straight lifestyle.
posted by ethnomethodologist at 9:34 AM on August 21, 2007 [2 favorites]


And women who complain too much are actually killing their husbands.
posted by dgaicun at 9:34 AM on August 21, 2007 [2 favorites]


Aww, jeez Edith dere.
posted by Smedleyman at 9:42 AM on August 21, 2007 [9 favorites]


No wonder married men usually die before married women.
The first thing I do in an argument with my wife is STFU because it's just easier to apologize even if I think I'm right.
posted by Dillenger69 at 9:56 AM on August 21, 2007


Actually, married men live longer than single men. Married women on the other hand die younger than single women.
posted by serazin at 9:58 AM on August 21, 2007 [2 favorites]


Wow. I'm going to live forever!
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 10:00 AM on August 21, 2007 [2 favorites]


Do they take cultural differences into consideration or is this a purely American study?
posted by slimepuppy at 10:02 AM on August 21, 2007


Last Saturday I had the first argument in a long time with my wife where I didn't just STFU. It was about 2 dimensional geometry embedded in 3D spaces.
posted by DU at 10:09 AM on August 21, 2007


Headline from next week: Men Who Don't Stifle Themselves In Marital Arguments Fall Down Stairs More Often
Glad to hear I'm not the only MeFite with an immortal wife.
She doesn't push me down stairs, really.
posted by Plutor at 10:18 AM on August 21, 2007 [2 favorites]


See, women interpret complex topographical projections like this, but men interpret complex topographical projections like THIS.
posted by cortex at 10:20 AM on August 21, 2007 [5 favorites]


Yeah, but they already live longer than us. If they quit stifling, the world will be all old ladies.
posted by graventy at 10:21 AM on August 21, 2007


I think there's a lot of generational things going on here, too. The article says that "The researchers also found that men whose wives came home from work upset about their jobs were 2.7 times as likely to develop heart disease as men with less work-stressed wives." and the team suggests "that a wife’s problems on the job could be upsetting to a husband because he is unable to 'protect' her in this arena." The subjects were 40s-50s at the beginning of the study.

I'm in my mid-20s, and I don't feel like protecting my wife at work 1) is my responsibility, 2) would be appreciated, or 3) would be effective. And I don't think my point of view is unique nowadays.
posted by Plutor at 10:23 AM on August 21, 2007 [1 favorite]


Women who stifle their anger etc? Name three!
posted by Postroad at 10:40 AM on August 21, 2007


No wonder married men usually die before married women. The first thing I do in an argument with my wife is STFU because it's just easier to apologize even if I think I'm right.

I think I ought to heed this advice, because the arguments I'm constantly getting into with my wife seem to escalate beyond all reason and meaning, and I quickly lose sight of the reason for the argument in the first place.
posted by indigo4963 at 10:40 AM on August 21, 2007


Isn't this really a small price to pay for a happy home?
posted by jonson at 10:42 AM on August 21, 2007 [2 favorites]


Women who stifle their anger?

Women don't stifle their anger, they hone it.
posted by blue_beetle at 10:50 AM on August 21, 2007 [2 favorites]


I saw a mug printed with something like "Married men don't live longer, it just feels that way." And by "married" I don't necessarily mean legally married, nor am I excluding gay men: contrary to popular prejudice it's not the social sanction but the coupled state that makes the difference.

That said, I stand with those who say that it's not the length of one's life but its quality that matters, which need not correlate exactly with low bad cholesterol levels and strenuous fitness regimens; I'd rather keel over from coke & hookers at 55 than try to live forever in a sour and prissy state. What that has to do with this thread is that when you have plenty of money the whores and dealers will be NICE to you.

By the way, has anyone studied how long coupled lesbians live and how "rewarding" their lives are? I'm wondering if four X chromosomes have a protective or detrimental effect.
posted by davy at 11:05 AM on August 21, 2007


I don't think stifling your emotions is good for anyone...
posted by chuckdarwin at 11:33 AM on August 21, 2007 [1 favorite]


Edith died before Archie (during the program "Archie Bunker's Place" as I remember it). On the other hand, Jean Stapleton is still alive and Carroll O'Conner died. Thought I'd add this to the scientific debate.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 11:48 AM on August 21, 2007 [4 favorites]


My moms and pops have a hate/love relationship that has spanned decades.
posted by doctorschlock at 11:56 AM on August 21, 2007


I've been with my wife for seven years (married for three months, living together for six), and to date we haven't had a single argument in which either of us raised our voices. So we're either freaks, or we're going to die really young.
posted by The Card Cheat at 12:01 PM on August 21, 2007


Shutting the fuck up-- that's where I'm a viking!
posted by everichon at 12:16 PM on August 21, 2007 [4 favorites]


So my (soon-to-be) ex-wife will live forever?
posted by bh at 1:25 PM on August 21, 2007


"So my (soon-to-be) ex-wife will live forever?"

Only if she ditched you to come out as lesbian.
posted by davy at 2:16 PM on August 21, 2007


Thanks for confirming the dangers of the straight lifestyle.

You know I used to think lesbians would have less abusive relationships statistically than heterosexuals, but most of the research I've seen indicates not by much.
posted by BrotherCaine at 2:25 PM on August 21, 2007


"Yes, honey ... Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle."

H. Simpson esq.
posted by lalochezia at 2:29 PM on August 21, 2007


Can't we all just get along?
posted by caddis at 2:34 PM on August 21, 2007


“So we're either freaks, or we're going to die really young.”

Nah, I don’t argue much with my wife either. But we’re really close so minor stuff feels much bigger than it really is. I suspect it all evens out. Couldn’t imagine yelling at each other with the intensity and hurtfulness some couples do. But (some) of those couples seem to stay together. I wouldn’t recognize my aunt and uncle if they weren’t bickering, but they’ve been together 35 years. My parents were married a long time yet my dad never once raised his voice to my mom. On the other hand my mom had a pretty bad temper and liked to throw dishes.
Seems like the bottom line is the communication and reconciliation afterwards not the vehemence of the argument. Don’t know if that leads to living longer, but some couples that knock each other down don’t get back up because they’re unwilling to leggo of the anger in favor of maintaining the relationship. Leave that anger to fester inside and yeah, I’d think it’d kill you eventually.
posted by Smedleyman at 3:43 PM on August 21, 2007 [1 favorite]


Plutor: I'm 30, and 2.5 years back when my wife was working at a suck-ass job I'd often feel sick about hearing how her day went. Not because I thought she couldn't take care of herself, but because bad things shouldn't happen to her. Of course, at the time I couldn't legally work, as I was illegally in the country ... which come to think about it means that she was still married to someone else at the time. But we'd been living together for 3 years, and had agreed in our own minds to make it permanent; even if she couldn't marry me to help immigration because her ex was dragging out the divorce. There was quite the variety of shit going on in her life; but hearing about her trials at work hurt me the most.

The Card Cheat: Ha, I finally found another such couple. We've been a couple for 5.5 year, living together for 5 years, married for a bit over 2, and even survived a 32 day road trip with just us. And not one screaming fight, serious disagreement, or angrily raised voices. We talk things over, and either one convinces the other, we reach a compromise, or we agree to disagree.

I find it sad every so often when I'm reminded that we're a bit of an oddity. Well, I guess for some people it works for them; we've lamented that we haven't had a change to have make up sex. And just this weekend we got to listen to the couple two doors down have a big falling out, and the guy get kicked out. Another couple that recently moved away, seems to make a point out of having all of their screaming fights outside. I think they're rationalizing that this way the kids don't hear it. But if we can hear it from four houses away, their kids heard Daddy call Mommy a fucking retard. And they heard Mommy call daddy an impotent momma's boy. But they probably mainly remember the first one.

As a 4-5 year old I have a memory of yet another screaming fight of my parents, and me curled up, rocking, in a corner in my room praying for god to kill me just like he killed jesus so there could be peace on Earth (or at least just for my family). Kids say the darndest things.
posted by nobeagle at 4:00 PM on August 21, 2007


Wow. Fame! I'm going to live forever!

Actually, married men live longer than single men.

Is it the declining level of sex, or the increased weight due to letting oneself go?
posted by kirkaracha at 5:03 PM on August 21, 2007


Poor babies.
posted by fourcheesemac at 5:32 PM on August 21, 2007


This "research" sounds pretty questionable. It's basically impossible to control for other significant variables, so they may be correlating different symptoms of the same issues. For example, we can hypothetically imagine that a certain brain chemistry causes women to be more assertive and to live longer. This doesn't mean that women lacking this chemical balance are going to live longer if they start to argue more. The article is full of these unqualified correlations. I didn't read the study (just its abstract and the article), so maybe its claims are a lot more conservative than the article makes it sound.
posted by Edgewise at 5:44 PM on August 21, 2007


Women who stifle themselves are stifled by their husbands in marital arguments die younger says a recent study.

Fixed now.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:03 PM on August 21, 2007


nobeagle: "And not one screaming fight, serious disagreement, or angrily raised voices. We talk things over, and either one convinces the other, we reach a compromise, or we agree to disagree. I find it sad every so often when I'm reminded that we're a bit of an oddity."

I don't know if you're trying to say that good relationships don't have yelling fights, or if you're just trying to tell your story. If it's the latter, I'm glad to hear that there are calm, rational people out there. If it's the former, I have to disagree. I have a great relationship with my wife, but we're both very stubborn and we think we're both very right. And we (well, probably mostly I) can be very loud without realizing it consciously. It never devolves into the insulting oneupmanship you describe, but neither does it stay calm and rational.

But maybe that's a distinction you didn't make only because you aren't the kind of people who get to experience it: raised voices aren't necessarily enraged.
posted by Plutor at 5:13 AM on August 22, 2007


*goes down to Kelsey's bar*
posted by jonmc at 4:52 PM on August 22, 2007


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