Please practice safe beastiality.

August 30, 2007 2:19 PM

Is there anything Japanese sailors won't have sex with? [via]
posted by absalom (95 comments total)

Or as an Italian fisherman might croon, "That's a moray!"

Awful, but funny.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:22 PM on August 30, 2007 [8 favorites]

This thread sucks without snark.

To be fair, that was the dumbest single link post this week.
posted by Keith Talent at 2:25 PM on August 30, 2007

"But we were in port around that time and I did it with a woman, so I don't have any way of knowing if I picked it up from her, or from the manta."

Ok. I think it's time to leave the internet. It's been real.
posted by ninjew at 2:25 PM on August 30, 2007 [23 favorites]

I found it enlightening.
posted by chundo at 2:25 PM on August 30, 2007

The Japanese obsession with tentacle rape makes so much more sense now.
posted by bunnytricks at 2:26 PM on August 30, 2007 [5 favorites]

Where is fishfucker when we need him?
posted by AwkwardPause at 2:27 PM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]

OH GOD NO

DO NOT WANT
posted by GuyZero at 2:28 PM on August 30, 2007

"Before I die.......Im gonna fuck me a fish"
posted by Senor Cardgage at 2:30 PM on August 30, 2007 [6 favorites]

She sexes sea serpents down by the sea shore?
posted by never used baby shoes at 2:30 PM on August 30, 2007 [3 favorites]

Apparently it's not just the japanese.

"In Minnesota it is illegal for men to have sex with live fish." -- here
posted by lucia__is__dada at 2:31 PM on August 30, 2007

"So if you stick in your you-know-what, it'll snap shut around it," he says. "You don't need any foreplay at all. Just ram the old avenger home. It feels goooood,"

OBJECTION.
posted by Avenger at 2:33 PM on August 30, 2007 [8 favorites]

"I'm going to Sea World!"
posted by soundofsuburbia at 2:34 PM on August 30, 2007

I'll never eat sushi again - who knows what kind of raw stuff is in there?!
posted by homodigitalis at 2:35 PM on August 30, 2007

Note that these traditions didn't need the internet, only for you to find out about them.

I hypothesize, further, that satellite-delivered porno might be the way to relieve the problem on deep-sea ships.

So lay off the intertubes, captain, it's my turn.
posted by anthill at 2:36 PM on August 30, 2007

Hear that? That dull noise, just barely audible? That's the sound of a million people regretting their sushi lunches.
posted by boo_radley at 2:37 PM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]

I bet pesctarians think this isn't beastiality, either.
posted by joseph_elmhurst at 2:38 PM on August 30, 2007

I think that writer needs a new keyboard. His exclamation marks, question marks, and O's keep sticking.
posted by the other side at 2:38 PM on August 30, 2007

Forgive me for saying so, but the idea of a bunch of tumescent men standing in line to roger a hapless fish? R-O-N-G wrong. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy, and the lash?
posted by maxwelton at 2:41 PM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]

"In Minnesota it is illegal for men to have sex with live fish."

There was a case last year (I think) where we were all grossed out to discover that sex with deer is apparently legal in Wisconsin. They have no morals over there.
posted by COBRA! at 2:42 PM on August 30, 2007

rum, sodomy, and the lash

is the answer:

1) One of the greatest albums of all time

- or -

2) The history of Britain as a seafaring nation
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:47 PM on August 30, 2007 [8 favorites]

I just had all-you-can-eat sushi.

I'll console myself with the fact that it was a Korean place.
posted by bashos_frog at 2:49 PM on August 30, 2007

Is there anything non-Japanese people won't believe about the supposed sexual depravity of Japanese people?
posted by KokuRyu at 2:50 PM on August 30, 2007 [5 favorites]

"More than a reproductive organ, it's basically an organ of elimination."

"Of course you can't actually call that sex either; it's only oral sex."

I see. It takes it in both holes.
posted by yeti at 2:53 PM on August 30, 2007

Actually, I would belive this about most deep-sea mariners, Koku...
posted by anthill at 2:54 PM on August 30, 2007

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie - that's not a moray!
posted by strawberryviagra at 2:55 PM on August 30, 2007

Crosses sailors and fishermen off potential date list.
posted by madamjujujive at 2:58 PM on August 30, 2007

I completely doubt this is limited to the Japanese. I also doubt that they limit it to cold-blooded creatures. I'm certain the occasional seal or dolphin has had a little interspecies rape.
posted by Kickstart70 at 3:01 PM on August 30, 2007

Actually, this reminds me of good old dolphinsex.org only less theory and more practice.
posted by soundofsuburbia at 3:03 PM on August 30, 2007

Troy McClure.
posted by thirteen at 3:10 PM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]

"More than a reproductive organ, it's basically an organ of elimination."

"Of course you can't actually call that sex either; it's only oral sex."

I see. It takes it in both holes.

actually, the thing probably has a cloaca, which is both organ for giving birth and um, eliminating waste matter, so it's not two holes, just one. Or perhaps, not three holes, just two-- if you are counting the mouth.
posted by Maias at 3:12 PM on August 30, 2007

Is there anything non-Japanese people won't believe about the supposed sexual depravity of Japanese people?

No. It's fun.
posted by Liquidwolf at 3:19 PM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]

"In Minnesota it is illegal for men to have sex with live fish."

*checks anatomy*

WOOHOO

How much do those little bitty suckerfish cost?
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 3:19 PM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]

At the risk of being a party pooper, manta rays don't have stingers.
posted by lekvar at 3:29 PM on August 30, 2007

Sex with manta rays is a right of passage?

::blinks::

Can I scrub my brain free of that image? Can I please? How much booze am I going to have to drink to eliminate this entire concept from my consciousness?

DO NOT WANT! doesn't even begin to cover the extent of how wrong this is.
posted by quin at 3:33 PM on August 30, 2007

Is there anything non-Japanese people won't believe about the supposed sexual depravity of Japanese people?

If packaged into a nice folksy tall tale with plenty of supposed first person experience, I'd say no.
posted by cillit bang at 3:34 PM on August 30, 2007

Hi, I'm Troy McClure! You might remember me from such fishing vessels as Miyojin Maru and Zuiyo Maru.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 3:37 PM on August 30, 2007 [2 favorites]

Is there anything Japanese sailors won't have sex with?

Me, apparently. Except when I tie them up. Then they do. For a while.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 3:38 PM on August 30, 2007

At the risk of being a party pooper

Luckily for you, Japanese sailors aren't into those shenanigans.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:41 PM on August 30, 2007

Is there any supposed sexual depravity of Japanese people that can't be turned into a Simpsons reference?
posted by wendell at 3:43 PM on August 30, 2007

...Japanese sailors aren't into those shenanigans.

Five minutes on 4chan would disabuse you of that notion right quick.
posted by lekvar at 3:45 PM on August 30, 2007

Bart: Why'd they make that one muppet out of leather?

Marge: That's not a leather muppet, that's Troy McClure. Mmm, back in the '70s he was quite a teen heartthrob.

Homer: Yeah, who'd have thought he'd turn out to be such a weirdo?

Marge: What are you talking about?

Homer: You know, his bizarre personal life. Those weird things they say he does down at the aquarium. Why I heard...

Marge: Oh, Homer, that's just an urban legend. People don't do that type of thing with fish!
posted by mosk at 3:45 PM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]

Is there any supposed sexual depravity of Japanese people that can't be turned into a Simpsons reference?

Why you little...
posted by tapeguy at 3:48 PM on August 30, 2007

Please practice safe beastiality bestiality.
posted by RussHy at 3:52 PM on August 30, 2007

Bart: And I think I've finally found what I was put on this earth to do -- dick goes in, guts come out, dick goes in, guts come out... [pulls out a talking fish]
Fish: Spare my life and I will grant you three --
Bart: [fucks the talking fish] dick goes in, guts come out.
posted by soundofsuburbia at 3:53 PM on August 30, 2007

I am so glad I decided against renting the *unrated* version of The Perfect Storm after all. Meanwhile, right after I figure out how people can stand to have sex with people, I'll start working on why they'd want to have sex with fish.
posted by FelliniBlank at 3:57 PM on August 30, 2007

Used fish! Used fish for sale. Getcher used fish heah. Can’t watch the Yomiuri Giants withoutcher used fish!
Want two buddy? *tosses two over an isle* Used fish heah.
posted by Smedleyman at 4:02 PM on August 30, 2007

"Where is fishfucker when we need him?"

Last I heard, he had signed up as a crewman on a Japanese fishing boat.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 4:03 PM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]

Any port in a storm.
posted by kirkaracha at 4:22 PM on August 30, 2007 [2 favorites]

Goddamnit, some of the comments in this thread are just funny. I wish I could like triple favorite or something.
posted by lazaruslong at 4:35 PM on August 30, 2007

This is the Japanese Onion, right?
posted by shakespeherian at 4:42 PM on August 30, 2007

This is the Japanese Onion, right?

Well, no, although you might imagine so from this article. One thing worth pointing out, though, is the paper's name: it's the Mainichi Daily News. Since the word "mainichi" already means "daily", this is a newspaper naming that came straight outta the Department of Redundancy Department.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 4:57 PM on August 30, 2007

Troy McLure???

Maybe Troy Donohue?

Or Doug McClure?

Ah - Capt. Adam Troy!
posted by Kirth Gerson at 4:58 PM on August 30, 2007

joseph_elmhurst writes 'I bet pesctarians think this isn't beastiality, either.'

Fish and chypocrites.
posted by jack_mo at 5:08 PM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]

i gotta try that.
posted by mr_book at 5:40 PM on August 30, 2007

a month after 69 with the little mermaid, i can still smell the tuna.
posted by bruce at 5:57 PM on August 30, 2007

Is there anything Japanese sailors won't have sex with?

I am going to go out on a limb here: their wives?
posted by flarbuse at 5:57 PM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]

Crikey — it all makes sense now!
posted by rob511 at 6:01 PM on August 30, 2007

Fittingly so, Japenese fishermen have now jumped the shark.
posted by hal9k at 6:03 PM on August 30, 2007 [3 favorites]

Now we know what Steve Irwin was REALLY doing just before he died.
posted by longsleeves at 6:08 PM on August 30, 2007 [3 favorites]

Crikey.
posted by longsleeves at 6:09 PM on August 30, 2007

C'mon, now what Subgenii hasn't dallied with a Prairie Squid every now and then?
posted by sourwookie at 6:12 PM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]

Prairie Squid ain't sealife, sourwookie, they're plains animals. Completely different.
posted by lekvar at 6:22 PM on August 30, 2007

Is there anything Japanese sailors won't have sex with?
Senator Larry Craig ; >
posted by amberglow at 6:49 PM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]

Is there anything Japanese sailors won't have sex with?

That should read Japanese fisherman. I don't think Japan has a navy as such these days. Although they would look good in sailor suits!
posted by longsleeves at 7:02 PM on August 30, 2007

I've mentioned this here before, but back in the 90s on a bet me and some friends set up an egroup that was as nasty as possible: "Sex With Fish". Without any active advertising or marketing, it attracted over a thousand members, with some very active and impassioned debates and users actively creating content and telling stories. Sadly it was all deleted when Yahoo decided to ban me for "unspecified violations of TOS" and all content tied to my id was erased. Anyway, never underestimate the polymorphous perversity of humans.
posted by meehawl at 7:16 PM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]

It may be Mainichi Shimbun (a major and fairly respected newspaper), but it's the fucking Waiwai column. It's like the Washington Post or the New York Times had a weekly column called "News from the Tabloids", where it would reprint an article from the Enquirer or the Weekly World News. 75% of the time, it's completely fictional, and 25% of the time it's just mostly fictional with a single grain of truth.
posted by Bugbread at 7:17 PM on August 30, 2007

I knew the Japanese were fucking the oceans, but I didn't realize it was quite so literal.
posted by Malor at 7:32 PM on August 30, 2007

Sleeps with the fishes.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 8:07 PM on August 30, 2007

now you know why mrs paul got into business - she was jealous
posted by pyramid termite at 8:26 PM on August 30, 2007

Red Lobster: for the Seafood Lover in you.
posted by gimonca at 8:34 PM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]

From a friend of mine on IM:

When a fish filled with slime makes your dick feel sublime, that's a moray!

posted by Many bubbles at 8:51 PM on August 30, 2007 [5 favorites]

longsleeves - Seamen
posted by tellurian at 9:25 PM on August 30, 2007

A local fish and game warden was on a bluff top looking for halibut poachers when she saw some guy doing a dead sea lion. Folks never cease to amaze me.
I mean how the hell do you get it up over stuff like this?
What part of them looks at an animal or fish and goes,"Oh yeah, gotta get me some of that"?
posted by Iron Rat at 9:55 PM on August 30, 2007

lekvar: "At the risk of being a party pooper, manta rays don't have stingers."

My first thought! Errr... ok, second, or third thought to be honest...

But I guess, if there is some truth to it, it just shows to what length human males will go to experience sexual release. I cannot honestly say that anything related to male sexuality surprises me much at this point - if it is in any way possible to come into contact with a textured surface or a kind of opening that is not immediately harmful to the touch, people will have sex with it (at least males will attempt to do so). Like it or not, that seems to be the way we are wired; sure, most of us prefer women, but if they are for some reason not available we'll literally fuck anything that moves (and some things that don't).
posted by PontifexPrimus at 10:55 PM on August 30, 2007

if it is in any way possible to come into contact with a textured surface or a kind of opening that is not immediately harmful to the touch, people will have sex with it

Abalone. No ray, man.
posted by hal9k at 11:37 PM on August 30, 2007

Here's another take on it...

The idea of the [poor] moray, getting raped by some fishermen then tossed back into the water. Well... you know those crazy stories people tell, of aliens coming down to some isolated field a couple of miles from the trailer park, doing some wacky "anal probe" experiment, and then letting them go?

You realize, right, that those now make a whole lot more sense? That the idea of interstellar travelers fucking a human and then throwing it back, as a "rite of passage" for the creatures of Xenu 5 is no longer that far-fetched....?
posted by hincandenza at 1:08 AM on August 31, 2007 [4 favorites]

Conjuring Kip Addotta...

Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' thru the Gulf Stream
Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Wet dream

I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait
I said, "C'mon baby, it'll only take a few minnows"
She threw me that same old line
"Not tonight -- I got a haddock"
posted by SteveInMaine at 3:46 AM on August 31, 2007

Did it not occur to any of the fishermen that they could, just, y'know, have sex with each other? Or would that just be weird?
posted by slimepuppy at 4:40 AM on August 31, 2007

Is there anything Japanese sailors won't have sex with?

Fixed that for you. That is all; carry on.
posted by pax digita at 5:20 AM on August 31, 2007

Indeed, Mainichi Shimbun is a decent newspaper, but their Wai Wai section is really nothing more than tabloid style facts at best. Case in point. I'm not even sure if the section is even in the Japanese version, my quick glance and URL switch didn't find one, and every single Wai Wai piece is written by Ryann Connell, whose writing style makes me want to gouge my eyes out. There is such thing as too much alliteration, and he's long since crossed the line... I mean, "Churlish Chinese chided for chundering on chagrined Japan"? Come on.
posted by Meagan at 6:06 AM on August 31, 2007

Aaah, now I know why I can't make Lutefisk like grandpa used to.
posted by yesster at 6:13 AM on August 31, 2007

A local fish and game warden was on a bluff top looking for halibut poachers...

I really thought that was the start of a joke, you know, like "A horse walks into a bar..." Please tell me it was a joke. Please?
posted by JohnYaYa at 6:27 AM on August 31, 2007

The standard self-pleasuring sex toy for men in Japan is called a blowfish, and is often shaped liked one.
posted by StickyCarpet at 6:38 AM on August 31, 2007

I think it's a lot less "yeah, I wanna fuck that" and more "man, I bet that'd feel good on my dick". People regularly stick their dick in stupid stuff on land, so why not on the sea?
posted by graventy at 7:58 AM on August 31, 2007

Metafilter: Rum, sodomy and the lash.
posted by CitizenD at 8:39 AM on August 31, 2007

longsleeves: That should read Japanese fisherman. I don't think Japan has a navy as such these days. Although they would look good in sailor suits!

They have "Maritime Self-Defense Force", and judging from their recruitment videos, they're absolutely faaabulous.
posted by PsychoKick at 8:50 AM on August 31, 2007

"Hell, T.C., don't you worry none. Plenty more fish in the sea."

And that's my nerdy comic book reference for the week.
posted by xthlc at 8:59 AM on August 31, 2007

COBRA! That guy that had sex with the deer tried to get off the bestiality charge with the reasoning that because the deer was dead it was no longer an animal.
posted by daHIFI at 9:50 AM on August 31, 2007

The Adventures of Manuel Pacifico makes much more sense to me now.

I wish it didn't.
posted by Pinback at 5:32 PM on August 31, 2007

Metafilter: People regularly stick their dick in stupid stuff.
posted by thatswherebatslive at 5:55 PM on August 31, 2007

That guy that had sex with the deer tried to get off the bestiality charge

...but failed, because abstract legal concepts are invariably frigid.

I apologize.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:08 PM on August 31, 2007 [1 favorite]

Cruel, selfish, brutish and sad.
posted by chance at 6:27 PM on August 31, 2007

Ha, it's like Old Greg but in reverse.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 7:36 PM on August 31, 2007

In other news: The US navy has won the latest round in a court battle over whether it can use sonar equipment which environmentalists say can kill whales and other mammals.The US navy has won the latest round in a court battle over whether it can use sonar equipment which environmentalists say can kill whales and other mammals.

Now that's how you fuck whole species of ocean dwellers all at once. Take that, Cetaceofascist terrorists.
posted by homunculus at 12:17 AM on September 1, 2007

Two studies of fishermen on big commercial vessels found over 15 percent were HIV-positive in Thai and Cambodian ports.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 11:35 AM on September 10, 2007