Jeb Bush is all in my house with disease.

September 10, 2007 8:32 PM

Meet Lee Mercer. He wants to be the next U.S. president, and he's "solved every crime in America and the world for the last 15 years dating back to before Christ."
posted by rollbiz (71 comments total)

I was ordered to create and or invent by the United States Army that is now intact regulating the United States Government protecting it through Military Intelligence Computerization Management a new Disipline I invented and the Administration of Criminal Law Laws across the board.

I see right through this...it's from the MarkovFilter page!
posted by niles at 8:37 PM on September 10, 2007

Well, he's the strongest candidate I've seen so far. This is a campaign I can really get behind.
posted by djgh at 8:41 PM on September 10, 2007 [2 favorites]

It's like TimeCube, but running for president.
posted by Electrius at 8:41 PM on September 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

66. To Prove America is America.

Well, I'm sold.
posted by ninjew at 8:44 PM on September 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

There is some concern about the U.S. Government Religions enforcements. I will enforce the U.S. Government Religions enforcement regulating its enforcements itself with its regulations pertaining to itself and according to its enforcements.

THIS IS SOME CONCERN ABOUT THE ENFORCING ENFORCEMENT OF THE REGULATORY REGULATION REGULATE. ITSELF.
posted by Sticherbeast at 8:47 PM on September 10, 2007 [2 favorites]

To prove The Klu Klux Klan and the Communist Party are gangsters.

Damn it feels good to be a Marxist.
posted by jimmythefish at 8:49 PM on September 10, 2007 [10 favorites]

On August 22, 1992, The State of Texas installed an intelligence hotwire in me at the United States Army Military Intelligence Academy Camp Bullis San Antonio, Texas.

He's been hotwired. Who knows who's in control of his brain now.
posted by taliaferro at 8:52 PM on September 10, 2007

Roy Mercer? The site says Lee L. Mercer Jr. Am I missing the joke?
posted by squarehead at 8:52 PM on September 10, 2007

LOLCRAZYPEOPLE!
posted by dersins at 8:53 PM on September 10, 2007

But let's face it, he's not the one making a mockery of your democracy.
posted by Abiezer at 8:55 PM on September 10, 2007 [6 favorites]

Not another idiot from Texas....
posted by photoslob at 8:57 PM on September 10, 2007

squarehead, you are not missing the joke but rather catching my screwup.
posted by rollbiz at 8:58 PM on September 10, 2007

I gotta say... I just feel sorry for the guy.
posted by papakwanz at 9:01 PM on September 10, 2007

Is he for real?
posted by mike3k at 9:02 PM on September 10, 2007

Also in my biography, that is stalled in a police debriefing, I am a member of the United State Army Military Intelligence Academy Camp Bullis San Antonio Texas at the University of Texas ROTC School of Religion as the Director, the developer of a new United States Army Military Intelligence Buddhist religion for the United States Army and the U.S. Army Military Intelligence Chaplain in charge.

The United States Military Police and Federal Police are doing a biography and autobiography of me regulating the United States Government National and International affiliated with and undercover intelligence-Criminal investigation of the United States Government.

The United States Federal Congress has encouraged me to want to become President of the United States so that I can do what the President of the United States of America is supposed to do and complete the federal and military government biography and autobiography.

Once, I am elected to the office of President of the United States of America the thing I am going to do for the people is regulate the office of the President of the United States of America right and not wrong.

Well, he's won me.

For a start, he makes a hundred times more sense than the current President.
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:03 PM on September 10, 2007

Could the candidate please explain his views like, such as, Iraq and South Africa?
posted by pompomtom at 9:04 PM on September 10, 2007

To those asking whether this is real or not: As far as I can tell it is. I've seen no one claiming that this is a joke on the site or elsewhere, and more important I think is the simple fact that I have trouble believing that anyone who was joking could come up with all of this stuff. It's genuinely fucking nuts.
posted by rollbiz at 9:05 PM on September 10, 2007

I won road scholar from the United States Navy/United States Marine Corp. at West Point.

He was tested on the location of every armadillo and raccoon carcass in West Texas and scored 100%.
posted by Mayor Curley at 9:06 PM on September 10, 2007

On further inspection: What Electrius said.
posted by pompomtom at 9:06 PM on September 10, 2007

Oh, and...

20. To prove how to make a Presidential Election Fun Educationally a Right to Life, Liberty and Justice instead of war in Business and Commerce Intelligence National and International.

I'd say he nailed that one, whether intentionally or not.
posted by rollbiz at 9:08 PM on September 10, 2007

This makes me sad.

Sad, that if he is serious, he is seriously mentally ill, and I cannot LOL at him. He has a family, loved ones and children who depend on him.

Sad, that if he is kidding, this is where we have come to. Real debate is foolish. Parody and satire is all we have.
posted by bigbigdog at 9:09 PM on September 10, 2007 [5 favorites]

i'd vote for him before i'd vote for hillary
posted by pyramid termite at 9:09 PM on September 10, 2007

THE WAR IN IRAQ:

There is some concern about the war in Iraq. I know of U.S. government evidence that the war in Iraq is illegal and it can be solved through me representing the United States Government with a peace treaty. I know there are notations in my ROTC Biography of a guarantee from Iraq through me for peace to the war in Iraq and that Mr. Hussein is innocent of his charges.

Too late! Someone needs to update his website....
posted by zardoz at 9:12 PM on September 10, 2007

Current Issues

THE WAR IN IRAQ:

There is some concern about the war in Iraq. I know of U.S. government evidence that the war in Iraq is illegal and it can be solved through me representing the United States Government with a peace treaty. I know there are notations in my ROTC Biography of a guarantee from Iraq through me for peace to the war in Iraq and that Mr. Hussein is innocent of his charges.

Yeah, there's a little concern about that war. But if he's not too late to do something about Mr. Hussein, I think we have to consider that this is not an earnest website, but Green Mile fan fiction.
posted by Mayor Curley at 9:13 PM on September 10, 2007

I'm sorry, but it seems as if he has lifted his campaign platform and biography from John Lydon, Public Image Ltd. and the song "Rise," to wit:

I could be wrong I could be right
I could be wrong I could be right
I could be wrong I could be right
I could be black I could be white
I could be black I could be white
I could be white I could be black
Your time has come your second skin
The cost so high the gain so low
Walk through the valley
The written word is a lie

May the road rise with you
May the road rise with you
May the road rise with you

I could be wrong I could be right
I could be wrong I could be right
I could be black I could be white
I could be right I could be wrong
I could be black I could be white

They put a hot wire to my head
Cos of the things I did and said
And made these feelings go away
Model citizen in every way

Anger is an energy
Anger is an energy
Anger is an energy
Anger is an energy
Anger is an energy
Anger is an energy

I could be wrong I could be right
I could be wrong I could be right
I could be wrong I could be right
I could be black I could be white
I could be right I could be wrong
I could be black I could be white

Your time has come your second skin
Cost so high the gain so low
Walk through the valley
The written word is a lie

I could be wrong I could be right
Could be wrong -
They put a hot wire to my head
Cos of the things I did and said
A model citizen in every way
Your time has come your second skin
Cost so high the gain so low

Anger is an energy (x 8)


I could be wrong I could be right (x 3)
I could be black I could be white
I could be right I could be wrong
I could be black I could be white

Your time has come your second skin
Cost so high the gain so low
Walk through the valley
The written word is a lie

I could be wrong I could be right
Could be wrong -
The put a hot wire to my head
Cos of the things I did and said
A model citizen in every way
Your time has come your second skin
Cost so high the gain so low

Anger is an energy
Anger is an energy

But really, is he much scarier than Alan Keyes?
posted by beelzbubba at 9:16 PM on September 10, 2007

57. To Prove the Bush Family is a Death Order.

Hm, there's method to this madness.
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:24 PM on September 10, 2007

On the bright side, he's far, far less crazy than Ron Paul.
posted by Pope Guilty at 9:38 PM on September 10, 2007

UbuRovias, I think he meant "To Prove the Bush Family are Death Eaters."
posted by Pope Guilty at 9:39 PM on September 10, 2007 [3 favorites]

This is what the George W Bush Presidential Library site will sound like when ol' GWB hisself takes over as webmaster in aught nine.
posted by oncogenesis at 9:39 PM on September 10, 2007

Please do not dispute this letter.
posted by fleetmouse at 9:41 PM on September 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

55. To Prove I got over 2000 Tapes to play to prove this program/project is authentic.

56. To Prove Jeb Bush is all in my house with disease.

I am now committed to working these exact lines in to a hiphop song.
posted by poweredbybeard at 9:41 PM on September 10, 2007 [4 favorites]

This is what the George W Bush Presidential Library site will sound like

this is what it will look like
posted by pyramid termite at 9:43 PM on September 10, 2007

I seriously don't know what to make of this site. If it's for laughs, well...at whose expense? For what purpose? If it's real, then...well, gosh. Mental illness may be the cause, indeed, but there has got to be more to this story.
posted by davidmsc at 9:46 PM on September 10, 2007

While he does not currently hold a epic number of failures like our current president did. I think he makes sense and would make a wonderful new leader.

But his neighbors are like, "Umm, Lee. You do know that your web site is fucking up our property value, right? Do you think you can knock that shit off for a bit."
posted by Mr_Zero at 9:49 PM on September 10, 2007

Oh, and you can learn a bit more about Mercer over at Project Vote Smart. He drives a Neon, for instance.
posted by davidmsc at 9:50 PM on September 10, 2007

I can't tell if this is a joke or a seriously deranged and delusional guy.
posted by Xere at 9:57 PM on September 10, 2007

His Reason for Seeking Public Office differs between his homepage & his bio on vote-smart.

He'd better be more careful at keeping his statements consistent, or he'll surely be railroaded for flip-flopping.
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:57 PM on September 10, 2007

Oh, and you can learn a bit more about Mercer over at Project Vote Smart. He drives a Neon, for instance.

And a 1972 Dodge Neon at that. Which is packed with crazy, because Dodge did not start making them until 1994. This calls for a theme song, I submit this legendary hit by Wesley Willis.
posted by Mr_Zero at 10:02 PM on September 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

I'm going to give this man the benefit of the doubt and assume that he was hit on the head very hard at some point, and that prior to getting hit on the head, was a sane and rational person who would have brought some new ideas to our country's leadership.

If that's the case, he's more electable now than ever.
posted by Kadin2048 at 10:20 PM on September 10, 2007

Lee Mercer: Confirming global suspicions about the US Presidency.
posted by Samuel Farrow at 10:21 PM on September 10, 2007

Candidate for the 2008 Democrat Presidential Primary

Look, I have no idea what this guy's deal may be, but when I read 'democratic' misspelled as 'democrat', I get a hearty whiff of campus Republicanism. I call malicious shenanigans.
posted by maryh at 10:56 PM on September 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

I wonder if he'll print bumper stickers that read:

Lee L. Mercer Jr.,
Negro American Citizen
for President 2008
posted by milnak at 11:05 PM on September 10, 2007

Current Issues

OUR CONCERN OF CIRCUMSTANCES

There are some concern about how we do our concerns of circumstances.

Genius.
posted by greycap at 11:18 PM on September 10, 2007

So how exactly does someone with massive brain damage manage to put up a webpage with graphics like that?

I mean, at least Timecube looks like it was designed by a madman.

Also, when he said "I have lived in Houston for 34 years..." I just said "Yup. This is real."
posted by Avenger at 11:42 PM on September 10, 2007

beelzbubba: So I guess we can all say, "Welcome back, John Lydon. Welcome back indeed."
posted by kenlayne at 11:45 PM on September 10, 2007

He forgot to mention when and why he went cookoo bananas.
posted by phylum sinter at 12:04 AM on September 11, 2007

I was a member of the Science Club and Class Officer in my Agriculture Future Farmers of America development, where we took our school queen to the finals at Texas Tech University.

Shit, we had a school queen too, but we didn't take him to finals. We just asked him what color shirt looked best with our wallet chains so we could pick up the chicks. He always gave fabulous advice.
posted by lazaruslong at 12:23 AM on September 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

Aw, too easy.
posted by salvia at 12:53 AM on September 11, 2007

Avenger: AmeriCanGOTV. Official Secure Internet®. I never realized people running for office was a marketable demographic.
posted by you at 1:42 AM on September 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

Me too, maryh. It was that and the "Hussein innocent of all charges bit."
posted by brundlefly at 3:03 AM on September 11, 2007

Mr. Mercer, three shopping centers near major U.S. cities have been hit by suicide bombers. Hundreds are dead, thousands injured. A fourth attack has been averted when the attackers were captured off the Florida coast and taken to Guantanamo Bay, where they are being questioned. U.S. intelligence believes that another larger attack is planned and could come at any time. How aggressively would you interrogate those being held at Guantanamo Bay for information about where the next attack might be?
posted by moonbiter at 3:56 AM on September 11, 2007

How aggressively would you interrogate those being held at Guantanamo Bay for information about where the next attack might be?
posted by moonbiter at 3:56 AM on September 11 [+] [!]

Interrogate? Why would he need to interrogate? He's hotwired!
posted by beelzbubba at 4:23 AM on September 11, 2007

5. The War in Iraq has been resolved regulating it with intelligence.
OK then.
posted by sanko at 6:04 AM on September 11, 2007

It's a shame that there's not some alternate universe I could switch to where this guy wins. Then I would just sit back and see what happens. That would rawk.
posted by smoothvirus at 6:31 AM on September 11, 2007

I think he's Nigerian, and ran his whole site through Bablefish. I am sure if you ran it backwards, it would make perfect sense in French.
posted by cjorgensen at 7:22 AM on September 11, 2007

Um...wow. I think I might know this guy. Or rather, I think I might have known this guy. 100% not kidding. At work and too busy to post details, but will do so asap. Check back this afternoon if you're interested.
posted by 2or3whiskeysodas at 7:24 AM on September 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

And he's asked Miss Teen South Carolina to be his running mate.

"I personally believe... that U.S. Americans are unable to do so... because...

"Uh... some people out there in our nation don't have maps...

"And... uh... I believe that our education, like such as in South Africa and... uh... the Iraq, everywhere, like, such as...

"And I believe that they should...

"Our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S... uh...

"Or, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries...

"So we will be able to build up our future... for our [children]." ^*

posted by ericb at 8:04 AM on September 11, 2007

Three of the most dangerous Weapons of the Crime War today are 1. Praying For Persons to die with electronics, 2. Killing the person’s heart with an electric snake hot-wire hookup and 3. Poisoning Persons with Cancer.

God help me I've been poisoned... WITH CANCER!
posted by BobFrapples at 9:10 AM on September 11, 2007

Gosh I feel awful for laughing so hard. To Prove Jeb Bush is all in my house with disease, indeed.
posted by cowbellemoo at 12:31 PM on September 11, 2007

As a foreign policy move, electing him would pretty much intimidate the hell out of every other country, interest and group on Earth. (But...at. what. cost?)

Seems like a Francis E. Dec, Esquire knock off tho.

Still, the United States Government did kill my sex life as well with it’s Espionage Experimentation and Espionage Exploitation sex killing.
posted by Smedleyman at 2:13 PM on September 11, 2007

Okay, following up now.

I used to work the 3:00pm-midnight shift at an independent copy shop in a rather homeless-saturated neighborhood outside of downtown Houston. One of our regulars was a polite, obviously mentally ill guy who went, as best as we could tell, by Patches Onaissis. We knew this because his gig at the time was to come in with whatever spare change he'd scrounged up and run copies of his latest screed, statement or demand for taxes owed him by various property owners. The copies (dozens of them) would end up taped to stuff all over the neightborhood--trees, buildings, whatever. He'd invariably leave his originals on the glass of the copier he'd use. We used to have a pretty healthy library of his stuff in the break room, but I'm guessing it's gone by now.

This went on for quite a while (a year? more?) until one night he was basically jumped from behind by two HPD officers and dragged away, never to be seen again by us. He was paying for his copies at the time. Who knows what happened, but having interacted with the guy for that long it was hard to imagine that they'd been called out for anything worse than panhandling. Anyways, that's beside the point.

A lot of what this guy's saying on his site sounds eerily, eerily similar to the stuff in Patches' writing. "Collecting on business loans" fits the bill: he frequently made numerous copies of requests for back-rent from the local Hollywood Video or whatever. And I'll be damned if, "I have a doctor degree Phd. as a doctor of laws, medicine ( not practitioner of medicine, i.e. physicians, surgeons)..." doesn't sound spot on. Those are just the first two examples I grabbed.

Furthermore, it's been a few years since I've seen him, but that photograph could totally be him, cleaned up and plus a few healthy pounds.

Now, I know that a lot of schizophrenic writing sounds much the same. And I know that Patches was far from the only schizophrenic dude in Houston, TX. But the residence listed on his website is about five miles from that copy shop, and, well, it'd be nice to think that once he got out of lock-up, maybe someone (his family, one hopes) took him in, cleaned him up and built him a website for his Presidential campaign. Fuck, I'd vote for him. Nice guy.

I'm dying to figure this out. How can I do that? Can I call HPD and request a report on all arrests made at that location or something? Where do I start?
posted by 2or3whiskeysodas at 4:02 PM on September 11, 2007 [5 favorites]

/2or3whiskeysodas - yeah, I’m pretty sure you can FOIA police arrest records. Far as I know they’re public documents. The newspapers print them all the time, so you could look there as well. Local paper or something. I don’t know about cases involving mental illness. There might be some privacy law involved.
posted by Smedleyman at 5:01 PM on September 11, 2007

awesome! i'm two degrees of separation from the best US Presidential candidate evah!
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:33 PM on September 11, 2007

His writing reminds me of what happens when you use a web-based translator to render something into three or four languages in sequence and back to English. I did that at Babelfish with the first paragraph of the U.S. Declaration of Independence and got this:

"If during duration human events indispensably for persons becomes that it political zones dissolve, which it it bound to other one are, and with it it between forces earth assume, which requires separate and same center, at which the laws permit nature and the God of their nature, an acceptable respect according to the opinions of mankind that it is necessary that they explain the causes, which press them at the separation."

Splice in some mentions of U.S. Gov't agencies at random and viola!
posted by davy at 9:19 PM on September 11, 2007

As a part of my continuing eduaction, I am making my presidential campaign part of my ROTC Intelligence Academics to record the learnings, doings, and examples of the United States Government as a government consultant, community developer, and financial planner appointed by the United States Federal Congress to record my biography in the United States Government Presidential Election for 2008 from Electronic Surveillance to develop records on the United States Government Presidential Campaign because I am on an academic intelligence hotwire that can not be unhooked by anyone.

Whoa.

That's a great sentence. Almost sounds defiant.

The United States Federal Congress has encouraged me to want to become President of the United States so that I can do what the President of the United States of America is supposed to do and complete the federal and military government biography and autobiography.

Well, he's got my vote.
posted by krinklyfig at 9:20 PM on September 11, 2007

"I am a member of a Buddhist Church named Soka Gaakai International –USA."

Soka Gakkai, Wikipedia article here. They're the people who convinced an old partner of mine he could have a houseboat if he chanted NAM MYOHO RENGE KYO all day.

I never met any American involved in an "Eastern" religion who could think his way out of a paper bag. Not that there aren't any such who can, just that they must all hide from me. They weren't all out to make me look sane though.

Anyway, going English > Greek > French > German > English with the first paragraph krinklyfig just quoted yielded this:

Like my part synehjme ' ours eduaction make I mean presidency part country of university graduates of my rotc intelligence, in order to register the teachings, which I make, and which examples of the government, which as and more economically government -, responsible person of the community for for planning the responsible person growth advisor connected is registered, which united through foederalen congress one calls, thus my biography presidency election on 2008 of united government of the electronic monitoring, so that I develop archives at the presidency country of united government, since I am to hotwire academic intelligence, which does not know apagkjstrw ' size of everyone.

Is that any clearer now?
posted by davy at 9:37 PM on September 11, 2007

2or3whiskeysodas writes "Now, I know that a lot of schizophrenic writing sounds much the same."

Yeah, regardless of whether this is Patches, I'm almost positive this is the product of mental illness. His writing is too prolific to be a joke. He's rambling and incoherent though so much of it, and at other times almost lucid, but it has a strange internal consistency, and it's riddled with paranoia and fragmented memories (pretty sure the guy was in ROTC). I'm not sure how he got it together enough to make a website, but maybe your theory is correct, and this is someone helping Patches' campaign. Maybe he doesn't take his meds consistently. His donation page looks pretty real, and the code suggests it works. I bet he already has a few donors.
posted by krinklyfig at 9:40 PM on September 11, 2007

davy writes "Soka Gakkai, Wikipedia article here. They're the people who convinced an old partner of mine he could have a houseboat if he chanted NAM MYOHO RENGE KYO all day."

Yeah, that church is not very respected to other Buddhists. It's pretty much a cult.

I never met any American involved in an "Eastern" religion who could think his way out of a paper bag. Not that there aren't any such who can, just that they must all hide from me. They weren't all out to make me look sane though.

First, I doubt Mercer's ramblings is a good example of anyone's spirituality. Second, Soka Gakkai is not really representative of Buddhism, American or otherwise. It's more representative of misguided new-age garbage.

I've met plenty of idiots who cling to spirituality, Christian, Judaic, Buddhist, etc., who don't really travel on a spiritual path but pretend to. The mentally ill are in a different category. You'll find plenty of them in Christian churches, too.
posted by krinklyfig at 9:50 PM on September 11, 2007

My point, krinklyfig, is that Americans drawn to Oriental cults tend to be wackos and ninnies. It says nothing about the religions themselves, at least not in their native lands. The Lubavichers, for example, were well adapted to their circumstances in Tsarist Russia.

And yes, you'll find wackos and ninnies in any religion; some are even atheists (e.g., Hitchens).
posted by davy at 10:05 PM on September 11, 2007

"Eduaction" is a great word.
posted by dirigibleman at 10:25 PM on September 11, 2007

It's interesting how much sense statements like "to prove there is a Public Health Crime War" make. I suspect there is one. (I'm just not sure what it is.)
posted by salvia at 10:42 PM on September 11, 2007