Why do men pee standing up?
September 15, 2007 11:38 AM Subscribe
Why do men pee standing up? To summarize, the author thinks there's too much messy splatter when you stand up. He makes this point by starting with an Adam and Eve story, then clarifies that he too used to pee standing up, then discusses possible reasons, then shares a messy personal story, then writes another paragraph, then another, then another ...
Sitting down as a sitzpinkler is in effect caving to the demands of hysterical women, as they run around the world slamming down toilet seats in bitterness and contempt.
No thanks.
posted by four panels at 11:47 AM on September 15, 2007
No thanks.
posted by four panels at 11:47 AM on September 15, 2007
Because we can.
posted by god hates math at 11:52 AM on September 15, 2007 [2 favorites]
posted by god hates math at 11:52 AM on September 15, 2007 [2 favorites]
I'm reminded of the scene in About Schmidt where Jack Nicholson, after the death of his wife who insisted he always pee while sitting, goes on a little dance around the bathroom while tinkling gleefully on everything in sight.
Count your blessings. At least we don't poop standing up.
posted by Mcable at 11:53 AM on September 15, 2007 [1 favorite]
Count your blessings. At least we don't poop standing up.
posted by Mcable at 11:53 AM on September 15, 2007 [1 favorite]
Because we can.
Well (some?) women can too if they work at. It has more to do with being able to easily.
Certainly, I would hate to have to sit down every time I peed in a public restroom.
posted by delmoi at 11:54 AM on September 15, 2007
Well (some?) women can too if they work at. It has more to do with being able to easily.
Certainly, I would hate to have to sit down every time I peed in a public restroom.
posted by delmoi at 11:54 AM on September 15, 2007
We stand to keep our johnsons out of the water when we sit. Right guys?
posted by Thorzdad at 11:54 AM on September 15, 2007 [11 favorites]
posted by Thorzdad at 11:54 AM on September 15, 2007 [11 favorites]
Because they're not the ones cleaning the toilet.
posted by chinston at 11:54 AM on September 15, 2007
posted by chinston at 11:54 AM on September 15, 2007
Didn't I see this on an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm two years ago?
posted by papakwanz at 11:56 AM on September 15, 2007
posted by papakwanz at 11:56 AM on September 15, 2007
We stand to keep our johnsons out of the water when we sit. Right guys?
It does rub against the front edge of toilet bowl when I sit on the seat. That's why I sit on cinder blocks when I go #2.
Except for the ker-PLUNK, it's all good.
posted by yeti at 11:58 AM on September 15, 2007
It does rub against the front edge of toilet bowl when I sit on the seat. That's why I sit on cinder blocks when I go #2.
Except for the ker-PLUNK, it's all good.
posted by yeti at 11:58 AM on September 15, 2007
For some reason though this night would be different from all the others. For one reason or another I noticed, seemingly for the first time, that pee was splashing out of the toilet and onto my legs and the surrounding walls, rugs and bathtub.
Dude, you gotta lift the lid.
posted by Partial Law at 11:58 AM on September 15, 2007 [3 favorites]
Dude, you gotta lift the lid.
posted by Partial Law at 11:58 AM on September 15, 2007 [3 favorites]
I always heard the end of that story as "multiple orgasms." It makes more sense that way.
(I also get the feeling this fellow has never had to wait in a 20 minute line for a restroom stall.)
posted by Gable Oak at 11:59 AM on September 15, 2007
(I also get the feeling this fellow has never had to wait in a 20 minute line for a restroom stall.)
posted by Gable Oak at 11:59 AM on September 15, 2007
A one blog-post post, with half of it explaining why the blog post sucks? Could you not at least find a contrary argument?
posted by anthill at 12:02 PM on September 15, 2007
posted by anthill at 12:02 PM on September 15, 2007
I had a redneck friend who once said "what's the point of living out in the fucking sticks if you can't piss in your own front yard."
That's why. Men pee to mark territory. You don't mark territory in a terrified crouch, unless you wanna give it up quickly. Now back the fuck off and get away from my tree.
posted by fourcheesemac at 12:02 PM on September 15, 2007 [2 favorites]
That's why. Men pee to mark territory. You don't mark territory in a terrified crouch, unless you wanna give it up quickly. Now back the fuck off and get away from my tree.
posted by fourcheesemac at 12:02 PM on September 15, 2007 [2 favorites]
Also, Victorian women used to piss standing up -- right into their panties. All that corsetry and padding meant unwrapping just to evacuate a little harmless water was not worth it.
posted by fourcheesemac at 12:03 PM on September 15, 2007 [2 favorites]
posted by fourcheesemac at 12:03 PM on September 15, 2007 [2 favorites]
You can never really have too much splatter. It's an alpha male thing.
posted by YamwotIam at 12:04 PM on September 15, 2007
posted by YamwotIam at 12:04 PM on September 15, 2007
of course for men it's much more grand
women sit or squat
we stand...
posted by Pater Aletheias at 12:04 PM on September 15, 2007
women sit or squat
we stand...
posted by Pater Aletheias at 12:04 PM on September 15, 2007
It's faster, we can more easily mark out territory, it's fun to aim at stuff? All seem to be pretty good reasons if you ask me.
Did the author really need to dedicate a thousand plus words to this topic?
posted by quin at 12:04 PM on September 15, 2007
Did the author really need to dedicate a thousand plus words to this topic?
posted by quin at 12:04 PM on September 15, 2007
Defenestrate the emasculators!
posted by Devils Rancher at 12:04 PM on September 15, 2007
posted by Devils Rancher at 12:04 PM on September 15, 2007
You haven't lived until you tried peeing lying down.
posted by furtive at 12:09 PM on September 15, 2007 [2 favorites]
posted by furtive at 12:09 PM on September 15, 2007 [2 favorites]
Don't cross the streams. It would be bad.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:09 PM on September 15, 2007 [2 favorites]
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:09 PM on September 15, 2007 [2 favorites]
Men's bathrooms would almost certainly be cleaner if they sat down. But it's an armed standoff. Individual men might be tempted to 'stand down' (that is, sit) but they won't do so until every other man does so too. Unfortunately short of some horrifying disaster this standoff will continue until the end of time.
posted by nixerman at 12:09 PM on September 15, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by nixerman at 12:09 PM on September 15, 2007 [1 favorite]
I like to pee lying down.
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:10 PM on September 15, 2007 [2 favorites]
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:10 PM on September 15, 2007 [2 favorites]
Men like to admire what we do. Please, humourless rule-making activist hygiene people, do not take this away from us.
posted by TimTypeZed at 12:12 PM on September 15, 2007
posted by TimTypeZed at 12:12 PM on September 15, 2007
Have you guys ever been in a womens public bathroom? They are far more disgusting than you can imagine. We ought to be grateful we can pee standing up.
posted by puke & cry at 12:15 PM on September 15, 2007 [3 favorites]
posted by puke & cry at 12:15 PM on September 15, 2007 [3 favorites]
fourcheesemac: is that true? wow, you learn something new every day!
posted by papakwanz at 12:15 PM on September 15, 2007
posted by papakwanz at 12:15 PM on September 15, 2007
Because if I don't half my penis is submerged in toilet water.
posted by mistersquid at 12:16 PM on September 15, 2007
posted by mistersquid at 12:16 PM on September 15, 2007
- It takes more time to unzip, unbuckle belt, pull trousers down, turn around, sit down, get up, pull trousers up, zip up, rebuckle belt than to just unzip/rezip.
- As Thorzdad says, US-style high-water-level toilets can be a dunking hazard
- Even normal toilets mean you're in contact with the front of the bowl sometimes
- Possibly a sign of an aging system, but when I do piss sitting down, I often have to stand up and eject the last shot-glass worth from a standing position: it doesn't seem to empty properly.
- Urine is basically sterile (unless you have a bladder infection or it picks up bacteria from filthy, bacteria-laden human skin). A few droplets on your legs aren't going to do you any harm. If he didn't notice these droplets before and there's no health risk then it's not hygiene, it's obsessive-compulsiveness.
Remember when you urinate an unsafe drop in blood pressure can occur leading to fainting also known as micturition syncope. To prevent this I recommend sitting down; using a wide stance, and tapping your feet. If you notice the person in the stall next to you tapping their feet, you might bump them to help keep them from passing out. Waving your hand under the stall to let them know you arn't passed out is also advised.
posted by humanfont at 12:20 PM on September 15, 2007 [33 favorites]
posted by humanfont at 12:20 PM on September 15, 2007 [33 favorites]
I'll act on impulse and not rule when it comes to my bodily functions, thank you very much.
posted by furtive at 12:23 PM on September 15, 2007
posted by furtive at 12:23 PM on September 15, 2007
It reads like someone was navelgazing in the bathroom.
posted by Pronoiac at 12:23 PM on September 15, 2007
posted by Pronoiac at 12:23 PM on September 15, 2007
I only sit down when I'm home, because I am the one who has to clean the toilet, but everywhere else I just stand.
posted by Pendragon at 12:25 PM on September 15, 2007
posted by Pendragon at 12:25 PM on September 15, 2007
stolen from here:
God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve.
He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.
"It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up. Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well,I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."What's it called?" asked Eve. "Brains", said God.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:26 PM on September 15, 2007 [1 favorite]
God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve.
He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.
"It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up. Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well,I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."What's it called?" asked Eve. "Brains", said God.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:26 PM on September 15, 2007 [1 favorite]
Prince Albert = no more standing up to pee.
THEN YOU BETTER LET HIM OUT. AAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAH-
wait. i'm doing this wrong.
posted by Avenger at 12:28 PM on September 15, 2007 [11 favorites]
THEN YOU BETTER LET HIM OUT. AAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAH-
wait. i'm doing this wrong.
posted by Avenger at 12:28 PM on September 15, 2007 [11 favorites]
"Brains", said God.
Right. Because it takes a hell of a lot of brains to fall into a toilet bowl.
posted by Reggie Digest at 12:32 PM on September 15, 2007 [4 favorites]
Right. Because it takes a hell of a lot of brains to fall into a toilet bowl.
posted by Reggie Digest at 12:32 PM on September 15, 2007 [4 favorites]
What's this talk about brains and drains?
posted by brain_drain at 12:40 PM on September 15, 2007
posted by brain_drain at 12:40 PM on September 15, 2007
No worries, brain_drain. Reggie was just taking the piss.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:42 PM on September 15, 2007
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:42 PM on September 15, 2007
Ach, Sitzpinkeln in Amerika.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 12:43 PM on September 15, 2007
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 12:43 PM on September 15, 2007
I never stand at home and very rarely stand in public restrooms. Standing is faster, but I look at restrooms as one of the few remaining places where we can sit down and relax for moment. The slower pace of sitting is a luxury.
posted by scottreynen at 12:54 PM on September 15, 2007
posted by scottreynen at 12:54 PM on September 15, 2007
You can't win a pissing contest sitting down. Unless the contest is judged on volume, rather than distance and only a woman would care about how much as opposed to how far, obviously.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:06 PM on September 15, 2007
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:06 PM on September 15, 2007
Have you guys ever been in a womens public bathroom?
Yes, I have. I have to clean one at work. While we're here, can I ask a question?
Why in hell do women feel the need to make goddamned confetti out of toilet paper? The men's room may be messier in other ways, but the ladies' room floor is always covered in little tiny pieces of TP. Is it a nervous habit kind of thing? Are they so excited to pee that they want to throw a parade?
posted by brundlefly at 1:08 PM on September 15, 2007 [9 favorites]
Yes, I have. I have to clean one at work. While we're here, can I ask a question?
Why in hell do women feel the need to make goddamned confetti out of toilet paper? The men's room may be messier in other ways, but the ladies' room floor is always covered in little tiny pieces of TP. Is it a nervous habit kind of thing? Are they so excited to pee that they want to throw a parade?
posted by brundlefly at 1:08 PM on September 15, 2007 [9 favorites]
One of my proudest moments has to be shooting down a fly buzzing around the toilet bowl (amazingly hard to hit actually). The floor and walls may have sustained some collateral damage, but it was well worth it.
posted by 445supermag at 1:11 PM on September 15, 2007 [10 favorites]
posted by 445supermag at 1:11 PM on September 15, 2007 [10 favorites]
Brandon, I heard the punchline as 'multiple orgasms'.
posted by anthill at 1:17 PM on September 15, 2007
posted by anthill at 1:17 PM on September 15, 2007
brundlefly writes "Why in hell do women feel the need to make goddamned confetti out of toilet paper?"
Same reason they cover the toilet rolls in little knitted ladies. Neurosis.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:18 PM on September 15, 2007
Same reason they cover the toilet rolls in little knitted ladies. Neurosis.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:18 PM on September 15, 2007
Brundlefly, that is because women have to sit, and because germ-phobia is rampant in our culture, and worst among women. What they do, see, is make a fucking padded toilet seat every time they have to sit down. That's what all the paper on the floor is from. I swear some use half a roll of TP per trip to do so because god forbid their delicate asses might come into contact with something from someone else's delicate ass. Cooties, dear friend. Women believe in cooties. Eeew, a bathroom.
And studies have shown that women's rest rooms, contrary to common belief, are in fact much more richly pathogenic than men's are. So maybe they are on to something. In part it's because in their urgency never ever to let their own floral-scented asses touch a toilet seat, they manage to spray a lot more than men who stand up and aim in front of them. (I too have cleaned my share of women's bathrooms, in case it isn't obvious). And let's not get started on the detritus of menstruation-management this afternoon. (If men had to stick some cotton tube in their ass once a month, god knows what men's rooms would look like but it wouldn't be pretty.)
Also, have none of you ever know a man who goes into the toilet, say at work, sits on his throne, and disappears for an hour to read Sports Illustrated, or whatever? Be glad there is peer pressure on men to stand and get it over with.
posted by fourcheesemac at 1:26 PM on September 15, 2007 [2 favorites]
And studies have shown that women's rest rooms, contrary to common belief, are in fact much more richly pathogenic than men's are. So maybe they are on to something. In part it's because in their urgency never ever to let their own floral-scented asses touch a toilet seat, they manage to spray a lot more than men who stand up and aim in front of them. (I too have cleaned my share of women's bathrooms, in case it isn't obvious). And let's not get started on the detritus of menstruation-management this afternoon. (If men had to stick some cotton tube in their ass once a month, god knows what men's rooms would look like but it wouldn't be pretty.)
Also, have none of you ever know a man who goes into the toilet, say at work, sits on his throne, and disappears for an hour to read Sports Illustrated, or whatever? Be glad there is peer pressure on men to stand and get it over with.
posted by fourcheesemac at 1:26 PM on September 15, 2007 [2 favorites]
Why do men pee standing up?
Because they can, obviously. Women would stand if they weren't afraid of peeing all over themselves. As it is, many do the hoversquat.
But: I stayed at a place whose upstairs toilet was under the slope of the roof. You could sit on the toilet fairly easily but anyone over five feet tall would have had a hell of a time standing close enough to piss into it. So put sloped ceilings over all public toilets to force people to turn and sit.
(Also put more of those privacy panels up between urinals and you'll have fewer men wanting to piss in stalls.)
posted by pracowity at 1:32 PM on September 15, 2007
Because they can, obviously. Women would stand if they weren't afraid of peeing all over themselves. As it is, many do the hoversquat.
But: I stayed at a place whose upstairs toilet was under the slope of the roof. You could sit on the toilet fairly easily but anyone over five feet tall would have had a hell of a time standing close enough to piss into it. So put sloped ceilings over all public toilets to force people to turn and sit.
(Also put more of those privacy panels up between urinals and you'll have fewer men wanting to piss in stalls.)
posted by pracowity at 1:32 PM on September 15, 2007
So put sloped ceilings over all public toilets to force people to turn and sit.
This is counter-productive because it won't stop people from trying.
posted by furtive at 1:51 PM on September 15, 2007
This is counter-productive because it won't stop people from trying.
posted by furtive at 1:51 PM on September 15, 2007
Two words: morning wood.
I once had to go
At my girl's place,
Christ, I had to pee.
She showed me her restroom,
Isn’t it good?
Nope: Morning wood.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:01 PM on September 15, 2007 [2 favorites]
I once had to go
At my girl's place,
Christ, I had to pee.
She showed me her restroom,
Isn’t it good?
Nope: Morning wood.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:01 PM on September 15, 2007 [2 favorites]
Funnily enough, I just got this as an email forward. Sorry for the length:
COPIED FROM A NEWS GROUP POSTING (the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom):
Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something. You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted. After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man -- standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood." Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim. Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning, that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "Sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood." Well, it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee, the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet. I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature. Now, see, if it was Father Nature, there wouldn't have been a problem!!!
posted by sephira at 2:14 PM on September 15, 2007 [2 favorites]
COPIED FROM A NEWS GROUP POSTING (the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom):
Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something. You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted. After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man -- standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood." Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim. Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning, that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "Sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood." Well, it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee, the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet. I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature. Now, see, if it was Father Nature, there wouldn't have been a problem!!!
posted by sephira at 2:14 PM on September 15, 2007 [2 favorites]
I usually, but not always, sit. Standing is for when I'm in a hurry. What's the rush?
It's easier to read. It's certainly easier to hit the target in the middle of the night. And sometimes I change my mind about why I'm there.
"Sorry for the length"- Is that another comment about the water's too cold?
posted by MtDewd at 2:17 PM on September 15, 2007
It's easier to read. It's certainly easier to hit the target in the middle of the night. And sometimes I change my mind about why I'm there.
"Sorry for the length"- Is that another comment about the water's too cold?
posted by MtDewd at 2:17 PM on September 15, 2007
There were these two fellers standin' on a bridge, a-goin' to the bathroom. One feller said "The water's cold" and the other feller said "The water's deep".
I believe one fella come from Arkansas.
posted by First Post at 2:19 PM on September 15, 2007 [2 favorites]
I believe one fella come from Arkansas.
posted by First Post at 2:19 PM on September 15, 2007 [2 favorites]
I have some pretty weird obsessive-compulsive, germophobic tendencies, but a tiny bit of backsplash on my legs doesn't bother me. The convenience of peeing standing up pretty much outweighs everything else. This guy is wrong. Or secretly a woman.
posted by tepidmonkey at 2:34 PM on September 15, 2007
posted by tepidmonkey at 2:34 PM on September 15, 2007
My pearly white throne gets coated everday with my liquid DNA.
posted by doctorschlock at 2:36 PM on September 15, 2007
posted by doctorschlock at 2:36 PM on September 15, 2007
I pee levitating.
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 2:39 PM on September 15, 2007
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 2:39 PM on September 15, 2007
When pissing standing up I rarely encounter backsplash. This guy seems to be pissing incorrectly.
And as regards morning wood, advice for the future, lean forward.
posted by knapah at 2:51 PM on September 15, 2007
And as regards morning wood, advice for the future, lean forward.
posted by knapah at 2:51 PM on September 15, 2007
Yes, it's called the Howitzer Technique in my neck of the woods.
posted by psmealey at 2:52 PM on September 15, 2007
posted by psmealey at 2:52 PM on September 15, 2007
brundlefly writes "Why in hell do women feel the need to make goddamned confetti out of toilet paper?"
I've noticed this too, and the only reason I can think for this (and it's happened to me) is that sometimes a new or new-ish roll of toilet paper is too tight and when you pull at it, it tears up and you end up with tiny pieces of paper instead of a good sized piece.
posted by CrazyLemonade at 2:58 PM on September 15, 2007
I've noticed this too, and the only reason I can think for this (and it's happened to me) is that sometimes a new or new-ish roll of toilet paper is too tight and when you pull at it, it tears up and you end up with tiny pieces of paper instead of a good sized piece.
posted by CrazyLemonade at 2:58 PM on September 15, 2007
I've tried sitting... but I touch bowl. That's no good. These days though, I just pee in a bag.
posted by fatcatslimslim at 3:08 PM on September 15, 2007
posted by fatcatslimslim at 3:08 PM on September 15, 2007
Peeing sitting down in my favourite pubs isn't really an option. The better the beer, the worse the loo.
posted by chuckdarwin at 3:10 PM on September 15, 2007
posted by chuckdarwin at 3:10 PM on September 15, 2007
Gable Oak: I always heard the end of that story as "multiple orgasms." It makes more sense that way.
Damn straight! Also, funny that way, instead of dumb. It's one of my all time favorite jokes and seeing it mangled that way totally harshed my buzz.
posted by Kattullus at 3:20 PM on September 15, 2007
Damn straight! Also, funny that way, instead of dumb. It's one of my all time favorite jokes and seeing it mangled that way totally harshed my buzz.
posted by Kattullus at 3:20 PM on September 15, 2007
For the next week when you go to the bathroom before bed wear just your boxers. Then see just how much pee splatters on your legs.
What the fuck?! I wear boxers around all the time. I almost never pee on myself or anything else. You just have to be careful after sex, you fucking dildo. ;)
Peeing on the sidewalk is kinda nasty, especially if the street is sloped and it runs down the sidewalk, but pee splashing on stuff is one of our lesser bathroom problems, imo.
And yes, this is straight from an episode of Curb. Although, I think Larry said that he does it because he likes to read while he pees. Microreading, lol.
posted by mrgrimm at 3:38 PM on September 15, 2007
What the fuck?! I wear boxers around all the time. I almost never pee on myself or anything else. You just have to be careful after sex, you fucking dildo. ;)
Peeing on the sidewalk is kinda nasty, especially if the street is sloped and it runs down the sidewalk, but pee splashing on stuff is one of our lesser bathroom problems, imo.
And yes, this is straight from an episode of Curb. Although, I think Larry said that he does it because he likes to read while he pees. Microreading, lol.
posted by mrgrimm at 3:38 PM on September 15, 2007
One way to look at it, chuckdarwin. Course the loo might be worse because the beer was that godawful bad that everyone needed to drink up, and in a hurry! Kinda like swallowing some bad tasting "medicine", which given a chance to work, makes the conversation seem ever more fascinating....even conversations about standing or sitting to pee.
posted by LiveLurker at 3:52 PM on September 15, 2007
posted by LiveLurker at 3:52 PM on September 15, 2007
Is necessity envy the Mother of invention? — My SweetPee, the Sani-fem Freshette, and the disposable Uri-Mate. (More about female urination devices and urinals at, appropriately enough, Wikipedia.) All kidding aside, urination aids are eminently practical for anyone too young, ill or infirm to use a toilet or urinal.
Lack of gravity presents some unique problems, solved by the Space Shuttle's formidable-looking Waste Collection System. However, if real men with the right stuff had their way, attitude adjustment thrusters would simply be replaced by small portholes...
posted by cenoxo at 4:03 PM on September 15, 2007
Lack of gravity presents some unique problems, solved by the Space Shuttle's formidable-looking Waste Collection System. However, if real men with the right stuff had their way, attitude adjustment thrusters would simply be replaced by small portholes...
posted by cenoxo at 4:03 PM on September 15, 2007
are in fact much more richly pathogenic than men's are.
Thirded or fourthed here: did janitorial for our small-town Woolco (or was it a Zellers by then?) and the women's washroom was always much filthier than the men's. Not just the shredded toilet paper, but also for splashes, skids, blood, and a mess from stall to sink to door.
I'd never encountered a really clean restroom (what a silly name!) until I walked into a Target store across the border. It was revelationary.
Fortunately, some competition has clue-sticked almost all stores these days: most washrooms are pretty good. Certainly not like the bad old days of retailer hostility toward customers!
posted by five fresh fish at 4:35 PM on September 15, 2007
Thirded or fourthed here: did janitorial for our small-town Woolco (or was it a Zellers by then?) and the women's washroom was always much filthier than the men's. Not just the shredded toilet paper, but also for splashes, skids, blood, and a mess from stall to sink to door.
I'd never encountered a really clean restroom (what a silly name!) until I walked into a Target store across the border. It was revelationary.
Fortunately, some competition has clue-sticked almost all stores these days: most washrooms are pretty good. Certainly not like the bad old days of retailer hostility toward customers!
posted by five fresh fish at 4:35 PM on September 15, 2007
Men pee like this, women pee like this.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 4:55 PM on September 15, 2007 [2 favorites]
posted by mr_crash_davis at 4:55 PM on September 15, 2007 [2 favorites]
Too funny, cenoxo, and dead on! It IS envy, just not the kind you think it is perhaps... you freudian you. I wish I could stand to pee for practical reasons, but sadly, as others have pointed out above, I was only left with the brains and multiple orgasms. Um...until now, it seems. Gotta love the innovators... taking brains and orgasms and peeing to a whole new place.
posted by LiveLurker at 5:02 PM on September 15, 2007
posted by LiveLurker at 5:02 PM on September 15, 2007
One way to look at it, chuckdarwin. Course the loo might be worse because the beer was that godawful bad that everyone needed to drink up, and in a hurry! Kinda like swallowing some bad tasting "medicine", which given a chance to work, makes the conversation seem ever more fascinating....even conversations about standing or sitting to pee.
Nah, it's just that the CAMRA pubs tend be really old, eccentric country pubs and the landlords are slack when it comes to the men's loos.
posted by chuckdarwin at 5:04 PM on September 15, 2007
Nah, it's just that the CAMRA pubs tend be really old, eccentric country pubs and the landlords are slack when it comes to the men's loos.
posted by chuckdarwin at 5:04 PM on September 15, 2007
CAMRA pubs? And have you ever been in a brand spankin' NEW pub...now really? Besides, we all know that pubs are eccentric because of the people who frequent them more than because of their owners who never clean the men's room. Cut the bub a break! He is trying to serve the drinks, cook the food and look all "ownerly" as the rest of us derilects move in to take over for the night. You telling me that I should "smile" now cause I am on candid CAMRA? HELL no! I am gonna pick up my toilet brush and do the RIGHT thing!
posted by LiveLurker at 5:42 PM on September 15, 2007
posted by LiveLurker at 5:42 PM on September 15, 2007
Yeesh. If you're causing a vicious splash back sensation when peeing standing up, you need to go back and redo the same year of your life that consisted of learning to tie your shoes and not talking to strangers.
posted by Atreides at 5:48 PM on September 15, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by Atreides at 5:48 PM on September 15, 2007 [1 favorite]
I didn't see any mention of the trough, which, as far as my own observations go, is slowly disappearing. In college our main hangout was Dudley's Draw, a trough-exclusive establishment . The trough inevitably contained a dead cricket, so we'd play "Cricket Wars", where you try to push the deceased insect to your opponents side.
It's no wonder I turned out a gentleman.
posted by erikgrande at 5:50 PM on September 15, 2007
It's no wonder I turned out a gentleman.
posted by erikgrande at 5:50 PM on September 15, 2007
In the one women's bathroom I was in, there was a passive aggressive note taped to the wall with a bulleted list detailing how to operate the bathroom. Tampons go in the container, trash goes in the trash can, put the lid down (?), don't hover, if you spray clean it up, flush seat covers down the seat, paper towels go in the trash. It was fairly clean, though.
I knew when my last roommate's period was because she would fill not one, but two toilets with bloody tissue and not flush. If it wasn't her period, the tissue would be shit stained. She'd go through a roll/roll and a half a day. I had to hoard toilet paper in my bedroom.
posted by stavrogin at 6:02 PM on September 15, 2007 [1 favorite]
I knew when my last roommate's period was because she would fill not one, but two toilets with bloody tissue and not flush. If it wasn't her period, the tissue would be shit stained. She'd go through a roll/roll and a half a day. I had to hoard toilet paper in my bedroom.
posted by stavrogin at 6:02 PM on September 15, 2007 [1 favorite]
If public bathrooms knew what they were doing, they'd have urination-device dispensers for the ladies, and then everyone could enjoy peeing standing up. I wish my fellow ladies who hover (I don't usually bother) would at least do me the courtesy of cleaning off the damn seat when they're done, though.
I kind of doubt that Victorian women peed themselves, unless you've got a cite for that. I mean, that would be a serious stench. More likely they just went sans knickers unless it was their time of the month, and just hiked their skirts for the chamber pot.
And the whole leaving the seat up debate is tired. Both sides have a point; it is both a pain to have to lift and lower, and a pain to fall into cold toilet-water. Clearly, we need better toilet design before any more relationships are ruined. Aren't there any engineers working on this? And if not, why not?
posted by emjaybee at 6:15 PM on September 15, 2007
I kind of doubt that Victorian women peed themselves, unless you've got a cite for that. I mean, that would be a serious stench. More likely they just went sans knickers unless it was their time of the month, and just hiked their skirts for the chamber pot.
And the whole leaving the seat up debate is tired. Both sides have a point; it is both a pain to have to lift and lower, and a pain to fall into cold toilet-water. Clearly, we need better toilet design before any more relationships are ruined. Aren't there any engineers working on this? And if not, why not?
posted by emjaybee at 6:15 PM on September 15, 2007
I used to have a nice neighbor who was the retired head of The Maryland Academy of Sciences. His name was Nigel Wolfe (RIP), and he designed an experiment to determine the relative composition of standing pissing man toilet splash back droplets.
First he ate enough B2 to get nice yellow piss. Then he put blue food-coloring in the toilet. If the splash-back was blue, it was toilet water. If it was green it was toilet water and piss. If it was yellow it was piss.
He got yellow all over the place.. call me fastidious if you want, but ever since then I’ve tended to either sit down or piss in the sink.
posted by Huplescat at 6:26 PM on September 15, 2007 [3 favorites]
First he ate enough B2 to get nice yellow piss. Then he put blue food-coloring in the toilet. If the splash-back was blue, it was toilet water. If it was green it was toilet water and piss. If it was yellow it was piss.
He got yellow all over the place.. call me fastidious if you want, but ever since then I’ve tended to either sit down or piss in the sink.
posted by Huplescat at 6:26 PM on September 15, 2007 [3 favorites]
Before we call in the engineers emjaybee, maybe we should think about cutting off dicks that touch that water mark? Cheaper for sure. Not to mention "neater". If only for the household? OK I am in an organizing mood. All the gents to the left whose appendages dangle in the water. Please state your metafilter nick followed by you real name and social security number if applicable. We will pass this valuable info onto the next lawyer in the cue.
posted by LiveLurker at 6:31 PM on September 15, 2007
posted by LiveLurker at 6:31 PM on September 15, 2007
"... pee was splashing out of the toilet and onto my legs and the surrounding walls, rugs and bathtub."
Just hold it until you're in the shower.
posted by itchylick at 6:43 PM on September 15, 2007
Just hold it until you're in the shower.
posted by itchylick at 6:43 PM on September 15, 2007
"... pee was splashing out of the toilet and onto my legs and the surrounding walls, rugs and bathtub."
Seriously though, use the side of the bowl to get a shallow angle of attack.
(I am referring to the in-side of the bowl)
posted by itchylick at 6:48 PM on September 15, 2007
Seriously though, use the side of the bowl to get a shallow angle of attack.
(I am referring to the in-side of the bowl)
posted by itchylick at 6:48 PM on September 15, 2007
Urinal design can minimize splashback, too, through careful computational fluid dynamic calculations, and a target.
posted by anthill at 6:50 PM on September 15, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by anthill at 6:50 PM on September 15, 2007 [1 favorite]
Men have balls. It's that simple.
posted by Smedleyman at 7:32 PM on September 15, 2007
posted by Smedleyman at 7:32 PM on September 15, 2007
(although I piss in stalls, mostly because of splashback, but partly because a while back I saw a guy get kicked in the back of the head standing at a urinal and then get a smiley on the porcelain.)
posted by Smedleyman at 7:37 PM on September 15, 2007
posted by Smedleyman at 7:37 PM on September 15, 2007
Wow, the Germans have a word for everything. Man who sits down to pee: Sitzpinkler.
posted by A dead Quaker at 7:39 PM on September 15, 2007
posted by A dead Quaker at 7:39 PM on September 15, 2007
I pee sitting down.
'Course, I have to. Doc told me not to lift anything heavy.
.
posted by RavinDave at 8:19 PM on September 15, 2007
'Course, I have to. Doc told me not to lift anything heavy.
.
posted by RavinDave at 8:19 PM on September 15, 2007
Standing up to pee is the only way to go. You have your choice of two shows: there is the diffusion show if you pee on the porcelain and you can watch as the urine diffuses into the water. This is best if the urine is darker; the first one in the morning is good. Or, there is the optics show if you pee into the water and the bubbles occasionally focus the light into sparkles.
These will happen if you sit as well, but the view ain't so great with your ass blocking all the light.
posted by bukvich at 8:25 PM on September 15, 2007
These will happen if you sit as well, but the view ain't so great with your ass blocking all the light.
posted by bukvich at 8:25 PM on September 15, 2007
HA HA BRANDON BLATCHER DIDN'T READ THE LINK BEFORE TELLING HIS JOKE
posted by yhbc at 8:47 PM on September 15, 2007
posted by yhbc at 8:47 PM on September 15, 2007
Also, women must ride horses side-saddle.
posted by spock at 9:46 PM on September 15, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by spock at 9:46 PM on September 15, 2007 [1 favorite]
Women, get yourself one of those she-pee funnel devices. When you have one, stand at the bog and start to pee. At the very same moment that you start to pee, flush. You're now in a race and there can be only one winner.
That is why men pee standing up.
posted by vbfg at 3:29 AM on September 16, 2007
That is why men pee standing up.
posted by vbfg at 3:29 AM on September 16, 2007
I'm not sure if I got this link out of this or another thread, of it has just coincidentally come up on Reddit...
Muslim restrooms. Interesting bit of reading, actually. From a modesty and cleanliness standpoint it all makes good sense.
I'm not sure if the implication in these texts is that the Prophet codified a new, higher standard of behaviours. Surely most everyone of the day had the common sense and courtesy to do their toilet business away from the social areas, to not cross-contaminate soil and food, to wash up after.
On the other hand, a few hundred years later and metropolitan Europeans were awash with open sewers. And civilized ancient Rome has always been admired for its sanitary standards. I guess it's quite possible for the mid-East to have gone through a period of filth, then undergoing the cleanliness revolution.
Trough toilets kinda freak me out. I can't imagine how horrifying they must be to a devout Muslim.
posted by five fresh fish at 12:05 PM on September 16, 2007
Muslim restrooms. Interesting bit of reading, actually. From a modesty and cleanliness standpoint it all makes good sense.
I'm not sure if the implication in these texts is that the Prophet codified a new, higher standard of behaviours. Surely most everyone of the day had the common sense and courtesy to do their toilet business away from the social areas, to not cross-contaminate soil and food, to wash up after.
On the other hand, a few hundred years later and metropolitan Europeans were awash with open sewers. And civilized ancient Rome has always been admired for its sanitary standards. I guess it's quite possible for the mid-East to have gone through a period of filth, then undergoing the cleanliness revolution.
Trough toilets kinda freak me out. I can't imagine how horrifying they must be to a devout Muslim.
posted by five fresh fish at 12:05 PM on September 16, 2007
Finally a chance to ask this without wasting an AskMe on it.
When I go to the urinal, sometimes I see a sticker. It's supposed to be where we're supposed to aim. Fine, I aim there and get splattered. I feel the droplets of urine hitting the hand or hands (depending on intoxication) I am holding myself with.
If I point myself elsewhere...like off to the side or right into the water, I don't feel myself being backsprayed.
Maybe my urine stream is more forceful than others or something since I have a huge bladder, but WTF? Is the point of the stickers to make sure men look like urine-soaked morons?
Who designed these things?
posted by Kickstart70 at 12:57 PM on September 16, 2007
When I go to the urinal, sometimes I see a sticker. It's supposed to be where we're supposed to aim. Fine, I aim there and get splattered. I feel the droplets of urine hitting the hand or hands (depending on intoxication) I am holding myself with.
If I point myself elsewhere...like off to the side or right into the water, I don't feel myself being backsprayed.
Maybe my urine stream is more forceful than others or something since I have a huge bladder, but WTF? Is the point of the stickers to make sure men look like urine-soaked morons?
Who designed these things?
posted by Kickstart70 at 12:57 PM on September 16, 2007
kickstart70: The sticker's sometimes move. They have to be replaced roughly monthly because they slide out of place.
Could be you've been pissing near the end of that sticker's lifetime!
posted by knapah at 1:49 PM on September 16, 2007
Could be you've been pissing near the end of that sticker's lifetime!
posted by knapah at 1:49 PM on September 16, 2007
I pee standing up because I'm saving my knees for fucking.
posted by NortonDC at 7:12 PM on September 16, 2007
posted by NortonDC at 7:12 PM on September 16, 2007
"Look around your toilet, what else is getting splattered with pee? Probably your carpets, rugs.."
Who has rugs and carpets in their bathroom?
Men pee standing up for many reasons and I think a major one is speed. Go to a public event and check out the turnover between mens and womens toilets. Or look at the time differences when a male and female couple split off to go to respective bathrooms, the guy will be standing there moments later waiting for his partner.
This reminds me of a glow in the dark toilet seat I saw, the idea being that you could pee in the dark without worrying about missing. That's all well and good but unless your urine glows too you're going to miss it. A lot.
The only time I sit down is if it's dark and I don't want to turn the lights on.
posted by tomble at 12:10 AM on September 17, 2007
Who has rugs and carpets in their bathroom?
Men pee standing up for many reasons and I think a major one is speed. Go to a public event and check out the turnover between mens and womens toilets. Or look at the time differences when a male and female couple split off to go to respective bathrooms, the guy will be standing there moments later waiting for his partner.
This reminds me of a glow in the dark toilet seat I saw, the idea being that you could pee in the dark without worrying about missing. That's all well and good but unless your urine glows too you're going to miss it. A lot.
The only time I sit down is if it's dark and I don't want to turn the lights on.
posted by tomble at 12:10 AM on September 17, 2007
Oh yes, and being so worried about a bit of piss splashing onto your clothes leads to dropping your drawers and letting your pants rest on the floor of a bathroom. Mmm!
posted by tomble at 12:13 AM on September 17, 2007
posted by tomble at 12:13 AM on September 17, 2007
I wonder what society-altering suggesting he has for keeping conversations from taking place in the men's room?
Making small-talk with someone just because you're both using the restroom at the same time? Talking to a friend/co-worker/complete stranger with your piece in hand? What a disgusting habit!
posted by man vs sun at 11:02 AM on September 18, 2007
Making small-talk with someone just because you're both using the restroom at the same time? Talking to a friend/co-worker/complete stranger with your piece in hand? What a disgusting habit!
posted by man vs sun at 11:02 AM on September 18, 2007
Nothing quite like an superbly well set up joke that drops some ridiculous victim complex tripe on you for its punch line.
posted by psmealey at 11:14 AM on September 18, 2007
posted by psmealey at 11:14 AM on September 18, 2007
Kickstart70, sounds like a crap urinal design. The original Danish design (in Schipol airport) had a bit more of a cone shape, with a double-refractive geometry... basically a bulge in the middle of the urinal, which if you hit just off-center would deflect the splashback into the scuppers. I doubt standard flat-plate urinal designs have much potential.
posted by anthill at 11:48 AM on September 18, 2007
posted by anthill at 11:48 AM on September 18, 2007
Stale lady-wee under the finger-nails is not the nicest thing to have to walk around with, I can tell you.
posted by fish tick at 7:38 PM on September 20, 2007
posted by fish tick at 7:38 PM on September 20, 2007
« Older I watched a particle crawl randomly along the edge... | “We should all come back in our next life as... Newer »
This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments
See related.
posted by champthom at 11:43 AM on September 15, 2007 [1 favorite]