The Butler Did It All

September 24, 2007 5:11 PM

The World's Stupidest Conspiracy Theories
posted by Falconetti (79 comments total)

Oh, will The Diabolicals never stop at their theorizing?
posted by Afroblanco at 5:22 PM on September 24, 2007

Fail. No mention of David Icke.
posted by Jimbob at 5:23 PM on September 24, 2007

"Gnosticism: The entire material world is an evil trap created by the imposter God of the Bible."

I don't know, you read stuff like Bostrom's simulation argument and things become pretty far from stupidest as god-level entities screwing up goes. Then again, I've always been a pretty cynical pup, as poor old mama always used to tell me.
posted by Iosephus at 5:24 PM on September 24, 2007

Hey, now. Denver International is pretty weird.
posted by BeerFilter at 5:25 PM on September 24, 2007

I suspect there's a conspiracy behind this being left off the list.
posted by Poolio at 5:26 PM on September 24, 2007 [1 favorite]

Neat! Wish there were more supporting links with info about the arguments behind these.
posted by rottytooth at 5:27 PM on September 24, 2007

Konspiracy Korner worlds current theories updated daily
posted by hortense at 5:28 PM on September 24, 2007

Hail Eris!
posted by carsonb at 5:31 PM on September 24, 2007 [5 favorites]

Needs more Bob Saget.
posted by kuujjuarapik at 5:32 PM on September 24, 2007

"HIV does not cause AIDS"

Who are you to call Peter Duesberg stupid?
posted by oncogenesis at 5:34 PM on September 24, 2007

Sometimes, everybody pointing and laughing at you isn't a conspiracy. Sometimes you just forgot to wear pants, again.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:36 PM on September 24, 2007 [1 favorite]

The operating definition of "stupid" seems to be "hardly anyone really believes it" (or, in some cases, even heard of it--HW Bush was a Nazi intern?).
posted by DU at 5:36 PM on September 24, 2007

Heh; nice link poolio. That experiment does look pretty definitive. One of the few websites with the balls to mention the court-sealed accounts of the giant foot.
posted by washburn at 5:36 PM on September 24, 2007 [2 favorites]

There's a man in Michigan who can prove that Elvis Presley was never actually alive.
posted by squalor at 5:37 PM on September 24, 2007

I heard one about some folks on a weblog conspiring to kill the 400 richest Americans.
posted by Smedleyman at 5:37 PM on September 24, 2007 [3 favorites]

Fnord.
posted by monju_bosatsu at 5:40 PM on September 24, 2007 [1 favorite]

Theory #2: Prince Eddy, Duke of Clarence (and/or Freemasons acting on his behalf) was Jack the Ripper.
Hence, Prince Eddy might have killed several prostitues, faked his own death, then resurfaced in Austria as Hitler.

Well, looks like Dan Brown just got the idea for his next airport-thriller.
posted by Avenger at 5:40 PM on September 24, 2007

I CAN HAS TINFOIL?
posted by Poolio at 5:41 PM on September 24, 2007 [1 favorite]

The Gnostic heresy sounds more sensible to me every year. No perfect creator could produce a world this fucked up....it must have been Her idiot brother, George.
posted by RussHy at 5:44 PM on September 24, 2007 [2 favorites]

Thanks, I always love to hear more from the tinfoil hat set.
posted by BrotherCaine at 5:45 PM on September 24, 2007

The operating definition of "stupid" seems to be "hardly anyone really believes it" (or, in some cases, even heard of it--HW Bush was a Nazi intern?).

A well-known conspiracy is the mark of an unsuccessful one. I'm sure they would have included the conspiracy that is keeping me from getting access to the drug that would make me stay young forever, except Bridgette Fonda, who had the drug and obviously uses it, has been very good at keeping it a secret.
posted by Astro Zombie at 5:45 PM on September 24, 2007

Jools did WTC.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 5:48 PM on September 24, 2007

WTF?!?! Those are conspiracy theories? I thought they were generally accepted facts.

Cool link though.
posted by The Deej at 5:49 PM on September 24, 2007

Gnosticism? Scientology? Not every strange or unusual belief is a conspiracy theory, for goodness' sake. Please let words have meanings.
posted by flashboy at 5:50 PM on September 24, 2007 [3 favorites]

oncogenesis: Who are you to call Peter Duesberg stupid?

Previously.
posted by russilwvong at 5:51 PM on September 24, 2007

What's great is going to subgenius parties and comparing conspiracy theories. Sadly, after a while, you will meet some of the people who actually believe some of them. They usually smell of stale boiled cabbage. I don't know if there is a correlation or a causation involved there.

I love Bill Maher sometimes.

Conspiracy Weary
posted by daq at 5:55 PM on September 24, 2007

You're right, Gnosticism isn't a heresy. How about the story that George Bush was once a member of a Satanic murder cult in Matamoros, Mexico?

Accused Mass-Murderer Became President!
George W. Bush: Brownsville Satanic Cult Member?
posted by RussHy at 5:59 PM on September 24, 2007

I thought I was pretty up on my conspiracy theories (living in the homeburg of Paranoia Magazine, like I do) but I had never heard of NESARA. That's such a weird one. I mean, it's fascinating just by its sheer dullness ("George W. and Rehnquist suppressed an act of Congress that abolished compound interest, did away with income tax and backed up all U.S. dollars with gold and silver"). For insanity value it doesn't really compare to David Icke's "12 foot reptilian aliens from constellation Draco secretely rule the Earth."
posted by Kattullus at 6:01 PM on September 24, 2007

A well-known conspiracy is the mark of an unsuccessful one.

If your plan requires secrecy, you haven't thought it through enough.
posted by Pope Guilty at 6:03 PM on September 24, 2007 [1 favorite]

And c'mon, Gnosticism has some pretty solid intuitive appeal- that God hates the hell out of us is way more immediately obvious from observing reality than the opposite.
posted by Pope Guilty at 6:05 PM on September 24, 2007 [8 favorites]

Entertaining documentary doubtling the moon mission, Secret Space.

The truth is sometimes stranger than fiction. Examples: Seven CIA Veterans Challenge 9/11 Commission Report, Pedophile Ring In Washington DC, Parallel universes really do exist, according to a mathematical discovery by Oxford scientists, Children forced to work in cannabis factories.

But some of my favorites are this week's top of the line science news, headlines that sound right out of a National Enquirer front page, examples, Hiroshima scientists create transparent frogs and this doozy, Major biological discovery...inside the Chernobyl reactor.
posted by nickyskye at 6:08 PM on September 24, 2007

Flashboy: You are asking a lot from some random internet blogger.
posted by Slap Factory at 6:09 PM on September 24, 2007

(still awaiting silent Tristero's empire)
posted by Afroblanco at 6:09 PM on September 24, 2007 [4 favorites]

A well-known conspiracy is the mark of an unsuccessful one.

Perhaps, but not a characteristic that applies to conspiracy theories.
posted by DU at 6:11 PM on September 24, 2007

The best conspiracy theory is that there's a group of people posting stories like this in major media outlets in order to discredit people who discover legitimate conspiracies.
posted by davejay at 6:17 PM on September 24, 2007 [1 favorite]

One that I'd readily believe would be 'The Loose Change guys are in the pay of the Republican Party or Carlyle Group or somebody to discredit serious problems with the official story of 9/11 by interleaving it with preposterous ignorant bullshit'.
posted by George_Spiggott at 6:17 PM on September 24, 2007 [2 favorites]

Russilwvong, I think (hope) that oncogeness was being sarcastic.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 6:31 PM on September 24, 2007

Conspiracy theories are all red herrings promulgated by a powerful secret society, in order to throw us off their scent.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:34 PM on September 24, 2007

(d'oh! damn you - more or less - davejay!)
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:35 PM on September 24, 2007

The Jewish one of these is not like the others, especially considering the murders resulting from it.
posted by bonaldi at 6:37 PM on September 24, 2007 [1 favorite]

I hate to break up the party, but the point is really pretty much moot once you acknowledge that the moon landing was faked. By slaves.

*rubs pincers, anticipates the satisfying crunch of human skulls*
posted by cortex 2 ½ hours ago

Oh, and in other news, MetaFilter is run by an anti-cabal of huge crabs, who sometimes disguise themselves as furries in boy scout costumes.

This can only mean one thing: MeFi is the beach-head for an invasion by a secret subterranean society of crab people!
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:45 PM on September 24, 2007

Kattullus writes "I thought I was pretty up on my conspiracy theories (living in the homeburg of Paranoia Magazine, like I do) but I had never heard of NESARA. That's such a weird one. I mean, it's fascinating just by its sheer dullness ('George W. and Rehnquist suppressed an act of Congress that abolished compound interest, did away with income tax and backed up all U.S. dollars with gold and silver'). For insanity value it doesn't really compare to David Icke's '12 foot reptilian aliens from constellation Draco secretely rule the Earth.'"

Yeah, that's an odd one. I've looked at them before, and it appears to be some sort of scam. Or, rather, the people who are currently propagating it come off like scammers.

And I, too, thought I knew this stuff, but I'd never heard this one before (or at least I don't remember it):

Stephen King killed John Lennon. (Steve Lightfoot)

Heh ...

The conspiracies from religious examples are pretty weak by themselves. I acknowledge they technically qualify, but it's sort of smacks of axe-grinding. This is a bit more thorough.
posted by krinklyfig at 6:48 PM on September 24, 2007

Messed up the link.
posted by krinklyfig at 6:49 PM on September 24, 2007

No repitlian shape-shifters!?
posted by cuban link flooded jesus at 6:50 PM on September 24, 2007

Christ and his disciples were a magic-mushroom cult. (Dead Sea Scrolls scholar John Allegro)

Oh hey, speaking of which.
posted by telstar at 6:54 PM on September 24, 2007

So this is the first time I've heard of the Phantom Time Hypothesis. That's spectacular. Seriously, it's the best conspiracy I've ever heard.
posted by allen.spaulding at 7:00 PM on September 24, 2007

Some of these definitely seem stranger then the others by a wide margin. Saying "Man never landed on the moon" in the same article as "KKK Klansmen posed as cops to wipe out young black men" is a little jarring. While the first seems pretty moonbat nuts, the second can't be totally dismissed as pure fiction. Additionally the source for that KKK bit and the "white scientists needed the boys' foreskins to produce a cure for cancer and/or a youth serum" is Dick Gregory who was a comedian at one point, so unless the article can point to the time, place and context I'll take the seriouness of it with a small grain of salt.
posted by edgeways at 7:04 PM on September 24, 2007

Major biological discovery...inside the Chernobyl reactor.

If true, that would be a kick-ass FPP.
posted by Avenger at 7:04 PM on September 24, 2007

Stephen King killed John Lennon

I think I'm going to wander around the next few days spouting this. It's too good to let go to waste.
posted by Windigo at 7:06 PM on September 24, 2007

Yeah, I'm a little dissappointed by the lack of shape-shifting lizards.

I once had a professor who believed very deeply in the Phantom Time Hypothesis. It would have been a little less interesting if he didn't specialize in medieval music. He would only bring it up in class once at the beginning of the year, but if you spoke to him in the office, he'd go on and on about how Hildegaard made no chronological sense, and about a million other things I can't even remember. It was actually very interesting (equal parts interesting argument and interesting nutcase). Ever since then, I can't look upon the theory as anything other than charming, articulate, and accompanied by Leonin and Perotin.
posted by honeydew at 7:12 PM on September 24, 2007

The single difference between conspiracy and reality is conspiracy is fueled by the fear that love - or heart - is vulnerable to power where as reality in some manner or another has it the other way round.
posted by humannaire at 7:31 PM on September 24, 2007

The one about the Denver Airport is true.
posted by Steven C. Den Beste at 7:43 PM on September 24, 2007

Phantom Time is a somewhat beautiful idea. Certainly better than Fomenko's New Chronology.

Also, humannaire, huh?

The single difference between conspiracy and reality is conspiracy is fueled by the fear that love - or heart - is vulnerable to power where as reality in some manner or another has it the other way round.

I'm having a really hard time parsing that sentence.
posted by Kattullus at 7:45 PM on September 24, 2007

"The popularity of conspiracy theories is explained by people's desire to believe that there is some group of folks who know what they're doing." - Damon Knight
posted by amyms at 7:50 PM on September 24, 2007 [1 favorite]

The late Bill Cooper! Number one with a bullet! Yes, my friend Tim "Zamora" Cridland, publisher of the 1980's conspiracy 'zine Off The Deep End, made me aware of this one. The trick is to watch the Zapruder film and imagine that the driver is reaching over his shoulder and shooting JFK with a CHROME PLATED .45...
posted by Tube at 8:54 PM on September 24, 2007

Paul is dead.
posted by Poolio at 9:49 PM on September 24, 2007

Forgot 'Project Blue Beam', where the NWO uses HARRP to project holographic images of a religious/spiritual super-event to... uh... and then like, everyone will follow them... because of HAARP, which is evil and nefarious.
posted by From Bklyn at 1:03 AM on September 25, 2007

'Paul is dead' is one of my favourites... it's all there, on the front of Sergeant Pepper!

Bu no UFOs/Roswell/Greys/Raegan knew!/Men in Black/Black Helicopters/Nazi research/etc etc madness... that's disappointing.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:53 AM on September 25, 2007

DU: HW Bush was a Nazi intern

I never realized they had an internship program. Did he get college credit for it? Was it designed to help undergrads get into the highly competitive world of Nazi-ing? Did he have to wear a blazer?

Or wait...was he just a regular intern who was very particular about how he did his filing?
posted by PlusDistance at 4:32 AM on September 25, 2007

Bu no UFOs/Roswell/Greys/Raegan knew!/Men in Black/Black Helicopters/Nazi research/etc etc madness... that's disappointing.

Because those aren't theories. They're true.
posted by davelog at 5:50 AM on September 25, 2007

I work with a hardcore conspiracy theorist. Sometimes I like to freak him out when by telling him Prison Planet is actually a front for the Lizard People, collecting the names and IPs of those who know too much.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 5:58 AM on September 25, 2007

Because those aren't theories. They're true.

Shhhh!
posted by Pope Guilty at 5:59 AM on September 25, 2007

Let me just point out two facts:

• Alcoa was the biggest American manufacturer of fluoride
• Alcoa was the biggest American manufacturer of aluminum

First they poison the waters. Then Alcoa (anagram of "a cola"! was tooth-decaying Coke a part of this so-called tooth-preserving scheme?) uses their massive PR department to make out like stories about the dangers of fluoridation (anagram of "our tin foil ad"!!!) are just conspiracy-theory looniness. So of course demand for aluminum foil hats skyrockets. And who stands to profit again? Need I say more? Need I mention the mysterious electrical jolt I feel when I bite down on foil?!
posted by pracowity at 6:51 AM on September 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

Kattalus:

The single difference between conspiracy and reality
is conspiracy is fueled by the fear that love
- or heart -
is vulnerable to power,
whereas reality,
in some manner or another,
has it the other way 'round.
posted by humannaire at 8:02 AM on September 25, 2007

*checks Kattalus's website*

...Oh. OK, I see...

Clarification ala Kattalus.


posted by humannaire at 8:37 AM on September 25, 2007

Well, humannaire, now that you've put your words in a familiar form, I can't help but understand :)
posted by Kattullus at 8:50 AM on September 25, 2007

(anagram of "our tin foil ad"!!!)

And that's where the theory falls apart: if you want to see someone from a metals firm like Alcoa go berzerk, call aluminum foil "tin foil".
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 9:33 AM on September 25, 2007

Yeah, sure, "Lentrohamsanin". Or should I say, "He's a lorn tin man!" If you want to see someone from a metals firm like Alcoa go berserk, reveal his secret identity! The ancient power of the anagram reveals all!
posted by pracowity at 10:00 AM on September 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

Christ and his disciples were a magic-mushroom cult.

I dunno, sounds kind of plausible.
posted by Artw at 11:41 AM on September 25, 2007

Van Daeniken's ancient South Americans flying saucer lunacy seems to have fallen by the wayside now... that was so huge back in the day.

Oh and Jack the Ripper was Hitler... Alan Moore (just about) covers that in From Hell.

Anyway Hitler could not have been Jack as he was a woman (it was in the papers, it must be true)
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:55 PM on September 25, 2007

The dairy and baking industries conspire with the National Weather Service and the plywood manufacturers to cause seasonal weather scares all over the Gulf coast to create public panic and drive up pr

hold on, doorbell's ringing

THEY FOUND ME TELL THE WORLDDDDDD3OPQ2EKMFV] WAEI4U
posted by BitterOldPunk at 3:25 PM on September 25, 2007

sorry, mate. i tipped off the drug squad on ya coz you never paid me back that $20 you owed me.
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:37 PM on September 25, 2007

I'm such a sucker for false conspiracy theories...it's sort of like the darwin award in my book.
posted by DamnYouSerpico at 8:15 PM on September 25, 2007

Of course, if yu're the subject of a conspiracy theory, then you can truly know you've arrived.
posted by Kattullus at 8:36 PM on September 25, 2007

Christ and his disciples were a magic-mushroom cult.

I dunno, sounds kind of plausible.

Jesus -- *tears loaf into twelve pieces*
Disciples: Whoah
posted by dreamsign at 11:04 PM on September 25, 2007 [1 favorite]

Christ and his disciples were a magic-mushroom cult.

I dunno, sounds kind of plausible.

Well, there's actually a lot of biblical, historical & archaeological evidence that the Israelites got off on a psychotropic fungus called ergot, which grows on stored grains under certain conditions, and that this fungus was a basis for a lot of their religious practice, not to mention phenomena like the burning bush, ezekiel's visions, and so on.
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:54 PM on September 25, 2007

see, for example
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:58 PM on September 25, 2007

(heh. was considering an ergot-laden wafer joke as a possible alternate)
posted by dreamsign at 12:02 AM on September 26, 2007

My favorite: World War II was staged! Awesome. I wonder where my dad was from 1943-1945, then. Just suntanning on those Okinawa beaches?
posted by GaelFC at 9:28 AM on September 26, 2007