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Double Shotgun Mounted Bed
October 17, 2007 3:15 PM   Subscribe

How many times as this happened to you? (warning: video/audio). It's late at night, you're in bed & you need to kill someone with a shotgun, only to find out the gun is ALL THE WAY across the room. Well, friend, your prayers are answered.
posted by jonson (128 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

 
Q9: Will I keep bumping my knees?
posted by jonson at 3:16 PM on October 17, 2007


"'The Back-up' is not intended for use in homes with children."
posted by ericb at 3:20 PM on October 17, 2007 [2 favorites]


What if I already have claymore mines built into the hope chest at the foot of my bed? Do I still need the backup?
posted by well_balanced at 3:21 PM on October 17, 2007 [7 favorites]


Does it come with a trained monkey to adequately cleanse the site of forensic evidence? If yes... SOLD!
posted by tkchrist at 3:21 PM on October 17, 2007


Because of the our unique patented design, you can adjust to fit on either side of the bed and place it where it is handy for you. If fact, we suggest you have Back-Ups on both sides of the bed.

Maybe two or three on the dresser, while you're at it.

And man did they patent the hell out of their unique design and construction.
posted by cortex at 3:22 PM on October 17, 2007


Lifecall/LifeAlert: I've fallen accidentally been shot and I can't get up.
posted by ericb at 3:22 PM on October 17, 2007


Pepsi blew his fucking head clean off.
posted by loquacious at 3:23 PM on October 17, 2007 [5 favorites]


What if I already have claymore mines built into the hope chest at the foot of my bed? Do I still need the backup?

I find sleeping in an upright position while clutching my Chinese made anti-personel RPG to be perfectly sufficient, thank you.
posted by tkchrist at 3:24 PM on October 17, 2007


My old man slept with his Ruger tucked between the mattresses every night for 30 years. I suppose three combat tours in 'Nam might do that to a guy.
posted by tkchrist at 3:26 PM on October 17, 2007 [1 favorite]


A link from your second link: “I thought I had seen it all, but I have never seen anything like this”
posted by Sailormom at 3:26 PM on October 17, 2007 [1 favorite]


These premises protected by my prosthetic Smith & Wesson. Call your doctor if erection smokes for more than 4 hours.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:27 PM on October 17, 2007


What a ripoff. It's just a repurposed Ronco Gigantic Dildo Holder.
posted by The Deej at 3:28 PM on October 17, 2007 [9 favorites]


"WE HAVE NO POSITION AS TO WHETHER THE GUN IN THE RACK SHOULD BE LOADED OR NOT."

Isn't the purpose of this device somewhat defeated if you reach for the shotgun from the comfort of your bed and it's not loaded? I mean, hell. The damn thing may as well be across the room!
posted by veggieboy at 3:29 PM on October 17, 2007


Metafilter: the old Reddit.
posted by Substrata at 3:30 PM on October 17, 2007 [2 favorites]


"Many customers are ordering racks for both sides of the bed." Dude, everybody knows that girls can't shoot.
posted by ColdChef at 3:31 PM on October 17, 2007


It's a long con, veggieboy. In three months, they're going to release The Ammo Caddy, a bedside-mountable shell cozy for quick access for the safety-conscious Backup owner.

It's the damn iPhone all over again.
posted by cortex at 3:31 PM on October 17, 2007 [1 favorite]


From the video: "It's the smartest money you'll spend in your life."

No, it's not.
posted by gummi at 3:33 PM on October 17, 2007


'"Many customers are ordering racks for both sides of the bed." Dude, everybody knows that girls can't shoot.'

Dude, everyone knows that people who would buy these are most likely secretly gay.
posted by ofthestrait at 3:34 PM on October 17, 2007 [1 favorite]


I like the fear-links on the homepage:

In five years, meth-related arrests in MN have increased by 100 percent
3 dead in arson-home invasion in Conn.
Home Invasion Suspect Arrested


and, somewhat randomly:
Bad kitties: Two cats accused in bloody Nebraska home invasion
posted by Artw at 3:37 PM on October 17, 2007 [1 favorite]


Is that a gun in your pocket bed or are you just happy to see me?
posted by Skeptic at 3:38 PM on October 17, 2007


Lol, America.
posted by fire&wings at 3:39 PM on October 17, 2007 [5 favorites]


I find sleeping in an upright position while clutching my Chinese made anti-personel RPG to be perfectly sufficient, thank you.

So there's times when *everyone* in the tkchrist house is asleep, all at the same time? Looks like you'll be getting a sneaky visit from Ouchy Claus soon.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 3:45 PM on October 17, 2007


Sleep with your M1911A1 friction-taped to your hand.
posted by pax digita at 3:45 PM on October 17, 2007


Dude, everybody knows that girls can't shoot.

That's a sexist myth that persists because the girls who know how to shoot also know how to clean up the evidence.
posted by srboisvert at 3:49 PM on October 17, 2007 [27 favorites]


If you had a narrow bed and the racks mounted either side you could pull out twin shotguns, though pumping/reloading may be tricky.

Someone should do this with a hospital gurney.
posted by Artw at 3:51 PM on October 17, 2007 [3 favorites]


Dude, everyone knows that people who would buy these are most likely secretly gay.

That's a common misconception that persists because the gays who know how to shoot also know how to leap for the shotgun across the room in a single bound. Fabulously.
posted by gummi at 3:53 PM on October 17, 2007 [10 favorites]


You know, I used to find this stuff funny. But I don't any more -- not since I met the sorts of people who buy this stuff, realized that they were dead serious, and worse, realized that they seem to be the target market for most politicians.

These are the people who control the world, caused your Iraq, your Nicaragua, your Vietnam, your Chile, and they're crazy, criminal paranoids. It's not funny any more.

Real-world quote spoken to me: "I believe in God, and guns."
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 3:53 PM on October 17, 2007 [6 favorites]


Business idea number 363: Put mayonnaise inside the cans of tuna.
Idea #364: Feed the mayonnaise to the tuna.
Idea #365: Bedside gun rack.
posted by psmealey at 3:54 PM on October 17, 2007 [11 favorites]


I've ordered four—two for my wife and me, and two for the cats! Thanks, jonson!
posted by languagehat at 3:55 PM on October 17, 2007


"'The Back-up' is not intended for use in homes with children."

So if you live in a home with children, how are you going to protect yourself against the swarm of meth addicts (or wild cats) breaking down your door in the middle of the night?
posted by strangeleftydoublethink at 3:57 PM on October 17, 2007 [1 favorite]


It would be a nice way to turn off the TV at the end of the day... much more stylish and final than The Clapper.
posted by R. Mutt at 3:59 PM on October 17, 2007 [3 favorites]


"How many times as this happened to you? It's late at night, you're in bed & you need to kill someone with a shotgun, only to find out the gun is ALL THE WAY across the room. Well, friend, your prayers are answered."

That's never happened to me. Then again, I don't live in LA.
posted by koeselitz at 4:00 PM on October 17, 2007 [4 favorites]


Is night time home invasion really that much of a problem?
posted by psmealey at 4:01 PM on October 17, 2007


Well, if you're going to have a gun at home for protection, this DOES make perfect sense. One of the (several) reasons I don't have a gun for home defense is because the lack of accessibility makes it seem less useful in a crisis. If I have time to unlock, fetch and load a gun, I could just call the cops and hide under the bed, or something like that.
posted by Edgewise at 4:01 PM on October 17, 2007


That's a common misconception that persists because the gays who know how to shoot also know how to leap for the shotgun across the room in a single bound. Fabulously.

Wrong, wrong, wrong. We use handguns instead, because shotguns are gauche and passé. They are so loud! And handguns work with any outfit.
posted by me & my monkey at 4:02 PM on October 17, 2007 [1 favorite]


Why not just get a mount at the foot of your bed for one of these?
posted by psmealey at 4:03 PM on October 17, 2007


"'The Back-up' is not intended for use in homes with children."

So if you live in a home with children, how are you going to protect yourself against the swarm of meth addicts (or wild cats) breaking down your door in the middle of the night?


Hell, how are you going to protect yourself from the children?
posted by lekvar at 4:04 PM on October 17, 2007 [2 favorites]


This would be a good product for educational purposes.

Such as: teach that motherfucker to come home smelling like perfume.
posted by ColdChef at 4:07 PM on October 17, 2007 [5 favorites]


Kiddie Tasers.
posted by Artw at 4:07 PM on October 17, 2007


1 Ambien + 1 bump in the night = 8 toes.
posted by kuujjuarapik at 4:08 PM on October 17, 2007 [8 favorites]


Real-world quote spoken to me: "I believe in God, and guns."

Well, that doesn't seem all that weird. There is solid evidence for the existence of at least one of those things.
posted by freebird at 4:10 PM on October 17, 2007 [1 favorite]


1 Ambien + 1 bump in the night = 8 toes

Goddamn pinkie pinko toes had it comin'!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:11 PM on October 17, 2007


Wrong, wrong, wrong. We use handguns instead, because shotguns are gauche and passé. They are so loud! And handguns work with any outfit.

What was I thinking? I never got the memo.
posted by gummi at 4:12 PM on October 17, 2007


1 Ambien + 1 bump in the night = 8 toes.

If my mom's any indication, you'd wake up the next morning completely baffled about why you're missing toes.
posted by Pope Guilty at 4:13 PM on October 17, 2007


I'm in this weird position of being in favor of guns and gun ownership and scared senseless by most of the people who share my ideas about gun control.
posted by Pope Guilty at 4:14 PM on October 17, 2007 [10 favorites]


Ditto, Pope Guilty.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:17 PM on October 17, 2007 [2 favorites]


Why not just get a mount at the foot of your bed for one of these?

Piker.
posted by Kikkoman at 4:17 PM on October 17, 2007


That's never happened to me. Then again, I don't live in LA.

Amen. The necessity of having a shotgun in the home is one important reason why I'll never move to Louisiana.
posted by The World Famous at 4:18 PM on October 17, 2007


For the shotgun knowledgeable among us, could you safely use a loaded gun with one of these things? Ya know, with the safety on and no shell in the chamber? I guess where you'd have to cock it or whatever to get it ready to fire.

I know this thing is insane, but what are the real-world odds shooting oneself with such a setup?
posted by aerotive at 4:34 PM on October 17, 2007


That little thing doesn't look like it could even hold my .50 caliber machine gun. Damn liberals and their pansy gun racks.
posted by modernerd at 4:35 PM on October 17, 2007


My bed is protected by two attack puppies who will lick and tail-wag even the most hardened criminal into submission. And, if that doesn't work, I have three attack kitties as backup who will hypnotize the criminals with their purring.
posted by amyms at 4:42 PM on October 17, 2007 [1 favorite]


I don't think the Second Amendment says "these arms must be accessible." They skipped the part about "A well-regulated Militia," though.
posted by kirkaracha at 4:43 PM on October 17, 2007


I don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack.
posted by Brittanie at 4:44 PM on October 17, 2007 [3 favorites]


Really, Brittanie? I heard you had quite a nice rack.
posted by jonson at 4:48 PM on October 17, 2007 [2 favorites]


For the shotgun knowledgeable among us, could you safely use a loaded gun with one of these things? Ya know, with the safety on and no shell in the chamber? I guess where you'd have to cock it or whatever to get it ready to fire.

I know this thing is insane, but what are the real-world odds shooting oneself with such a setup?


Not much higher than the real-world odds of shooting oneself with a loaded shotgun in your closet or anywhere else. It's just a gun rack that happens to be attached to the bed. Having it so close to the bed (and thus close to people moving about) probably raises the odds of mistakenly hitting the trigger and/or knocking or dropping the gun, but so long as there isn't a shell in the chamber, it won't fire even then.
posted by vorfeed at 4:51 PM on October 17, 2007


I might be called a gun fanatic, and I think this is a really stupid product. There are much better places to store a shotgun within easy reach that aren't right next to the mattress.
posted by mrbill at 4:53 PM on October 17, 2007


vorfeed - would that include firing from a reclining position?
posted by Artw at 4:53 PM on October 17, 2007


But you've got to reach down for the gun... and a shotgun just ain't got enough killin...

I thinking of having something like this over the bed...
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 4:54 PM on October 17, 2007


OVER 100 MILLION AMERICAN HOMES HAVE SHOTGUNS

Awesome. That might be enough shotguns to stop the approximately 327 gazillion-jillion nighttime home invasions that happen in just the town of Boulder, CO, every single night of the year!
posted by gurple at 4:57 PM on October 17, 2007


"For the shotgun knowledgeable among us, could you safely use a loaded gun with one of these things? Ya know, with the safety on and no shell in the chamber? I guess where you'd have to cock it or whatever to get it ready to fire.

I know this thing is insane, but what are the real-world odds shooting oneself with such a setup?"

posted by aerotive at 7:34 PM on October 17

The unmistakeable initial sound of a pump action Mossberg 500 Special Purpose when chambering the first round, has been known to have such an immediately sobering and calming effect on even the most agitated of crack smoking nocturnal home invaders, that, some say, you might well prefer keeping the chamber empty, so as to have a recognizable place to start a "conversation," so to speak, without the noise and excitement of an actual warning shot.
posted by paulsc at 5:06 PM on October 17, 2007 [3 favorites]


Great. Over a decade ago, when I first began dispelling myths about the wild, wild, western civilization from whence I had come...a student asked me if it were true most Americans slept with guns near, or under, their beds. Seems she had seen so many movies where the hero/heroine hears a noise and reaches into their bedside drawer or under their pillow for protection that she had come to the conclusion it was standard operating procedure.

I reassured her that was more of an anomaly, that the majority of my own friends had dogs or (at maximum) baseball bats handy for security. I did not mention the few gun owners in my life because I really thought they were the anomaly.

Now I wonder.
I also wonder how well this thing is selling?
posted by squasha at 5:08 PM on October 17, 2007


Right there with you Flo and Pope Guilty. In fact, I own guns but they are approx 100 miles from my home and locked in a gun safe. Motherfucker breaks in he's gonna get tickled to death or caught between the eyes with my well seasoned cast iron pan.
posted by Divine_Wino at 5:13 PM on October 17, 2007


posted by paulsc The unmistakeable initial sound of a pump action Mossberg 500 Special Purpose when chambering the first round

Clack on! *clack-clack* Clack off! *clack-clack* Clack on clack off, the Clacker!
posted by fandango_matt at 5:25 PM on October 17, 2007 [3 favorites]


vorfeed - would that include firing from a reclining position?

If you mean lying or leaning on your back while firing a shotgun, that would probably be a bad idea. Assuming you don't have time to stand up, you'd probably want to sit up in bed to cock, aim, and fire it. Optimally, you'd want to sit up something like this. Or I guess you could roll onto your belly and shoot from the prone position, but you'd probably blow a huge hole in the headboard. :)
posted by vorfeed at 5:26 PM on October 17, 2007


I'm in this weird position of being in favor of guns and gun ownership and scared senseless by most of the people who share my ideas about gun control.

Dude, perhaps paradoxically? Those people are why I'm in favor of guns and gun ownership.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 5:30 PM on October 17, 2007 [1 favorite]


only to find out the gun is ALL THE WAY across the room.

Never happens to me.

The unmistakeable initial sound of a pump action Mossberg 500 Special Purpose when chambering the first round

I prefer the Remington 870, it has a bit nicer timbre.

But this is all moot, you don't use a gun for home defense, you use a Zulu spear, it's way scarier. Though after seeing it's effectiveness on the my back yard, I'm coming to respect the Fiskars brush axe. If I broke into a house, and saw someone armed with one, I'd leave.

Probably whilst screaming like a girl in a horror movie.
posted by quin at 5:31 PM on October 17, 2007


Dude, perhaps paradoxically? Those people are why I'm in favor of guns and gun ownership.

It just somewhat disturbs me to realise how many people there are for whom guns are a hobby, I guess.
posted by Pope Guilty at 5:45 PM on October 17, 2007


I know this will devolve into the standard pro/anti gun thread PG, but I'd actually prefer if most gun owners were hobbyists, like me.

Because hobbyists tend to be careful with their equipment, spend a lot of time learning how to use it, and make sure that it can't be easily stolen.

Non-hobbyists may buy guns out of fear, and assume that, because they own it, they are safe (and powerful). Without ever actually learning how to use it properly.
posted by quin at 5:57 PM on October 17, 2007


I'd have no problems with gun ownership if you had to pass a test to show you understood how to use them safely, much like a driver's test.

I've known various target shooters from rank amateur to semi-pro. All very smart and peaceable people. No problems there.

The vast majority of USAian people I know with guns are raving nutcases who are obsessed with negroes breaking into their homes and ravishing their defenseless wives and children. The "I believe in God and guns" guy was an ex-cop who had killed two people in the course of duty and was very proud of it. I had a friend stand off two people who were trying to taking him back to the loony bin *with a submachine gun* -- as he said, "My finger was on the trigger. If they'd given me one bit of lip..." (As I told him at the time, "If it wasn't for the fact that you'd never trust anyone again, I'd turn you in myself.")

This guy was a certifiable schizophrenic but he still had all the arsenal he'd purchased before he was diagnosed (though anyone talking to him for even one minute would have known he was crazy). I feel bad for the poor guy -- he never did do anything seriously wrong, he still knew what was right and wrong and never did use the guns despite his extremely aberrant behaviour -- but it was just luck that he didn't kill a random or even someone in his family (he really believed for a while that his grandmother was a spy from the CIA).

He's a prime example, but I've known a lot of other loonies who had guns, most of which weren't really certifiable.

I also had the great fortune to grow up partly in Canada where it's actually quite easy to get a gun *if you go to the effort of taking a gun safety course and pass a test*. All the people I knew there with guns, without exception, were civilized adults.

Therefore I continue to be strongly in favour of gun control.
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 6:21 PM on October 17, 2007 [1 favorite]


right after i brush my teeth at night, i duct tape a stick of dynamite to my forehead and i keep a cigarette lit in the ashtray next to my alarm clock.
posted by kitchenrat at 6:28 PM on October 17, 2007 [2 favorites]


Just throwing out an interesting factoid I found when surfing "accidental shootings":

"The issue of "home defense" or protection against intruders may well be misrepresented. A study of 626 shootings in or around a residence in three U.S. cities revealed that, for every time a gun in the home was used in a self-defense or legally justifiable shooting, there were four unintentional shootings, seven criminal assaults or homicides, and 11 attempted or completed suicides (Kellermann et al, 1998)."

via
posted by misha at 6:32 PM on October 17, 2007 [2 favorites]


".22: your sleep number."
posted by Armitage Shanks at 6:33 PM on October 17, 2007 [3 favorites]


It's only a matter of time before someone starts selling a service consisting of amputating one of your limbs and fitting it with an assault rifle.
posted by Krrrlson at 6:45 PM on October 17, 2007


This is a great thread. Favorites for everyone!
posted by yhbc at 6:55 PM on October 17, 2007


A friend of mine was (before he had kids) a handgun enthusiast, and while his zest for guns was sometimes slightly spooky, I can't say I was immune to their allure just as objects. I know someone will go all Freudian on me within about five seconds of me hitting post on this, but guns are just...cool. What they can do is even cool, though I'd be happy if it were never done to another person ever again. Soup cans, sure. Anyway, this friend of mine was -- to echo quin's sentiments above -- a pure collector, and consummately careful with his guns. Any fear he had was a (very rational!) fear OF the guns, which are more likely to hurt no one than their owner. To this end: Careful.

Another friend of mine was a stripper. She sometimes met, in her profession, very creepy people. New to her profession, she became a bit paranoid. She became a gun owner. She was never a very good housekeeper. And, in time, she got over her paranoia, but not over her inability to keep her apartment clean. (I sympathized, and still do.) So she stopped worrying about the gun, no longer really fearing she'd need it, and...yes. Yes, you can see where this is going -- she lost the gun. In her apartment. This struck me as...worrisome? If you've really gotta keep an alligator as a pet, I guess it could be okay, but I think you wanna keep an eye on it, you know? You don't want to stumble over it in the dark. Maybe it's just me. (I haven't seen her in years, but we have enough mutual friends that I think I'd know if she'd managed to kill herself; I presume this situation worked itself out eventually. But still. But STILL!)

Still another friend of mine -- his dad was an old military man, presumably trained to handle a gun, and because of his job (not, thankfully, a job stripping...trust me, you wouldn't have wanted to see that), he became concerned that an attempt on his life could be made. To this end, he began to carry a gun. A gun with which -- somehow -- he managed to shoot himself, in the hand, while trying to clean or load it (I was never clear which). Luckily, the shot went between index finger and thumb, causing no serious damage, but had he been facing the other way, he would have shot his wife. There...kind of is no lesson here, other than even the best-prepared gun owners can still manage to fucking shoot themselves. Look, nothing's 100%!

For my own part, I don't own a gun -- it's against the rules of my apartment community, for one thing (not that they'd ever know...hell, they didn't know I had a cat for six months until I told them, and she sleeps in a window that faces the rental office), and for another, I don't see a need for it. I'm not real close to a range (if I were just jonesing to shoot a gun, which I'm not at all), and this neighborhood (knock on wood) is a pretty safe one. But I don't object to gun ownership. I think we need to be a hell of a lot more cautious when it comes to their accessibility, and I think training in gun safety should be mandatory. I guess that puts me well to the left of Ted Nugent, but it seems the sanest way to handle it to me.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 7:09 PM on October 17, 2007


Real men don't sleep.
posted by PlusDistance at 7:13 PM on October 17, 2007 [1 favorite]


So if you live in a home with children, how are you going to protect yourself against the swarm of meth addicts (or wild cats) breaking down your door in the middle of the night?

Dobermans, but keep the children locked in their bedrooms at night, just in case.
posted by caddis at 7:16 PM on October 17, 2007


Successful gun owner.

I once interviewed a fellow for a position at my firm. I thought he was a little odd, but I also thought he would do a good job with his work. the conversation went an hour past his scheduled half hour time. Finally right before I offer the guy the job, he says he has one more question. "Shoot," I say. he literally replies, "Speaking of shoot, do you mind if I bring my hand gun to the office everyday?" I had an immediate answer, but curiosity got the best of me and I asked why. I kid you not when he replies, "Because my stupid b*tch ex-wife's new boyfriend is pissed at me for sh*tting on the hood of his car." "Well if we offer you the job, we can discuss it then," I replied. (The whole episode shook my faith in my ability to judge character for a while.)

This man is the reason I am scared private gun ownership. Guns themselves do not scare me. I even think they are quite fun to use around a range or empty field. I used to own a 9mm. Guns don't kill people, idiots like him do. There should be an IQ test and common sense test required for gun ownership.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:26 PM on October 17, 2007 [3 favorites]


Suckers! I don't have to worry about protecting my home. I live on a boat!

Besides, nothing fends off night-time intruders like the presence of live nocturnal-feeding sharks!
posted by humannaire at 8:20 PM on October 17, 2007 [1 favorite]


So do they make a California King model that can handle a Barrett Light 50?
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 8:38 PM on October 17, 2007


Like Chuck Norris, I keep a roundhouse kick to the face on a rack beside my bed. I don't sleep, I wait...
posted by blue_beetle at 8:43 PM on October 17, 2007 [2 favorites]


"Yeah, you ought best stay out in the hall, rookie, it's another one of those goddamn Murphy bed suicides... "
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 9:00 PM on October 17, 2007


"wow - that was wonderful - i saw fireworks and the earth moved!!"

"yeah - oh, shit - i left the safety off and there's a hole in the wall"
posted by pyramid termite at 9:02 PM on October 17, 2007


I believe this thread may be summed up by one word: snarktacular.

But I'd like to know, what have you done with the real jonson? Is he OK?
posted by A dead Quaker at 9:14 PM on October 17, 2007


This could be the best MeFiGun thread ever.

#include "chris rock on gun control.h"
posted by b1tr0t at 9:18 PM on October 17, 2007


But I'd like to know, what have you done with the real jonson? Is he OK

Why do people keep saying this? I bought this account three weeks ago fair & square, and if I want to make posts about commercials for amusing products than make posts about commercials for amusing products I shall! P.S. LOS ANGELES RULES.
posted by jonson at 9:42 PM on October 17, 2007



Like Chuck Norris, I keep a roundhouse kick to the face on a rack beside my bed. I don't sleep, I wait...


You will laugh but now a popular piece of family lore my wife LOVES to tell people is the night I rolled over her like a ninja and simultaneously sleep-kicked a hole in the wall next to our bed and screamed at my bath robe hanging there "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!!!"

I have no recall of this.
posted by tkchrist at 9:57 PM on October 17, 2007 [19 favorites]


Hmmm. I wonder if this could be adapted to hold my new Hello Kitty AK47?
posted by madamjujujive at 11:09 PM on October 17, 2007 [1 favorite]


quin: Hell yeah, billhooks (the general name for that style of knife) are scary looking things.
posted by hattifattener at 11:14 PM on October 17, 2007


So we're operating under Los Angeles Rules now? Anyone looking to hire a waiter? Just for a bit, you understand...
posted by maxwelton at 11:26 PM on October 17, 2007 [1 favorite]


You know, madamjujujive, I read that site as "clamguns.com," which I thought was either really edgy or really derogatory. (Maybe the logo needs some work.)
posted by maxwelton at 11:28 PM on October 17, 2007


Real-world quote spoken to me: "I believe in God, and guns."

To which I would respond by shooting them in the ass and asking "WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?"
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 11:32 PM on October 17, 2007 [4 favorites]


I love the idea, jonson, but "the Back-up" needs to be oriented vertically or the bong water is going to spill all over my carpet.
posted by maryh at 11:37 PM on October 17, 2007


Is this something one needs a TV to understand...?
posted by thomcatspike at 12:46 AM on October 18, 2007


I believe this thread may be summed up by one word: snarktacular.

When the subject of the FPP is itself (unwitting) snark, where do you expect it will to go?
posted by psmealey at 2:59 AM on October 18, 2007


You will laugh but now a popular piece of family lore my wife LOVES to tell people is the night I rolled over her like a ninja and simultaneously sleep-kicked a hole in the wall next to our bed and screamed at my bath robe hanging there "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!!!"

I have no recall of this.


I just noticed that if you laugh hard enough, it's hard to hit the favorite-button.

Also, I used to live in a commune with a guy who once woke everyone up by kicking his CRT monitor off his table in his sleep. The faux-hardwood floor was dented but the monitor was unharmed.
posted by Anything at 3:45 AM on October 18, 2007


Business idea number 363

Hello, this is Civil Disobedient to remind psmealey to SHUT UP!

Cue barrage of "Why is C_D so mean?" from the born-after-the-80s crowd.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 5:10 AM on October 18, 2007


I'm coming to respect the Fiskars brush axe. If I broke into a house, and saw someone armed with one, I'd leave.

I'll see your Fiskars brush axe and raise you a labrys.

It's the one that has Bad Ass MotherFucker engraved on the hilt.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 5:14 AM on October 18, 2007


For the record, I own a Remington 870 Express.

To answer the question of whether it would work if stored unloaded, you could store 4 shells in the magazine without putting one in the barrel. When awoken, you'd grab your shotgun, and work the slide (making that shuck-SHUCK noise from the movies) and thumb the safety, and your gun would be ready to fire. Transferring a shell from the mag to the barrel and hitting the safety takes maybe 1/4 to 1/2 a second.

Also, the bed rack is dumb.
posted by craven_morhead at 5:44 AM on October 18, 2007


THE BACK-UP HAS U.S. UTILITY PATENT. THIS MEANS THAT NO ONE CAN MAKE A DEVICE FOR THE SAME PURPOSE FOR AS LONG AS THE PATENT IS IN EFFECT

Why the hell is this a selling point?
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 5:51 AM on October 18, 2007


THE BACK-UP HAS U.S. UTILITY PATENT. THIS MEANS THAT NO ONE CAN MAKE A DEVICE FOR THE SAME PURPOSE FOR AS LONG AS THE PATENT IS IN EFFECT
Why the hell is this a selling point?


That's no candy-ass "selling point," that's a WARNING, motherfucker!

"Well if we offer you the job, we can discuss it then," I replied.

So that was you! I waited for weeks for you to call back, you bastard, and while I was waiting my stupid bitch ex-wife left town with her new boyfriend and I had nobody to shoot.
posted by languagehat at 6:08 AM on October 18, 2007 [2 favorites]


Hey thomcatspike hasn't it been very long since last you were on mefi?
posted by Catfry at 6:14 AM on October 18, 2007


So that was you! I waited for weeks for you to call back, you bastard, and while I was waiting my stupid bitch ex-wife left town with her new boyfriend and I had nobody to shoot.

So that was you who shat on my car? Gun or no gun I'm going to fuck you up. Plus you owe Loretta 6 months child support you bum.
posted by longbaugh at 6:31 AM on October 18, 2007 [2 favorites]


A shotgun isn't really needed. All you really need is Charles Bronson hanging around your house. Better yet, the Charles Bronson Home Protection System.
posted by thisisdrew at 8:51 AM on October 18, 2007


"So if you live in a home with children, how are you going to protect yourself against the swarm of meth addicts (or wild cats) breaking down your door in the middle of the night?"

That's easy. Throw the children at them, and then you'll have time to get the shotgun from the locked cabinet.
posted by drstein at 9:41 AM on October 18, 2007


So I was down at the shooting range a couple of months ago, and a guy came in to pick up his new Mossberg 500 - Sorta like the one Paulsc linked to above except it had no butt stock. The guy behind the counter was showing him the gun, and was letting him in on some local hunting rules. Now this thing doesn't exactly look like a hunting shotgun, so I snort and say the guy is unlikely to be doing much hunting with that particular weapon. New Owner turns around and winks and says, "Yeah, well...maybe in my living room." Funny. And chilling.
posted by Sk4n at 10:02 AM on October 18, 2007


“I'll see your Fiskars brush axe and raise you a labrys.”

I’ll call that.
There are those Hibben axes you can throw, but they don’t have the weight. You can miss with the edge of the Francisca and you’re still doing damage.

The problem isn’t getting to your weapon that quickly, the problem is waking up in the middle of the night and being clear headed.

And you’d probably want to have a flash bang (just to get the mental edge - they’re fully awake, you’re not, but your eyes are probably better night adapted, so enhance that edge and blind them) and follow it up with some rubber dye shot (so it hurts and the cops can find him/them). Third shell should be lethal, but you don’t have to use that one.
And you probably want an autoloader. Don’t much care for the “Shch-chick” thing.
I gotta go with Tuco - when you have to shoot, shoot, don’t talk. Guy’s in your house - shoot him, talk after. Doesn’t mean you have to use double 0 buck, but y’know.

The Benelli M11707 is nice (collapsable stock - butt on the M1014 won’t collapse, rail for night vision or a flashlight if you want).
Or there’s the marine shotgun - nice and shiny if you want to get someone’s attention. (And y’know, point out where you are in the dark. Prefer a low profile m’self - although those typhoon tac illuminators make you feel naked if you’re caught in one - or you could use a nice red filter, save your night vision)

This kind of thing preys on people’s ignorance about firearms tho. I mean, Ares defense has a shotgun/flashlight
sort of item (if you like the “Surprise, it’s a f’ing shotgun LOL! Bang!” thing) that’d be way more compact. There’s tons of non-lethal options you could open up with before you charge out of your bedroom 1/2 awake with a shotgun. And indeed, getting up, calling the cops, loading your piece, etc. might clear your head a bit.
And hell - what if you’re not home? The first place burglars look is the master bedroom. And ta da! there’s your shotgun - in a rack no less.
I’ve got several safes m’self.
Although, I live in a well patrolled area. Dog. Alarm system. Well trained wife. And I enjoy night fighting with knives.
I s’pose once I get older that’ll change, and I don’t know what I’d need to do if I lived out in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of crazed meth home invaders. Sounds like a friggin’ Zombie scenario.
I’m not Joe Marketing, but y’know, there are enough dolts out there will buy overpriced plastic squares apparently.
posted by Smedleyman at 10:09 AM on October 18, 2007 [2 favorites]


You Americans and your expensive guns and fancy-dancy RenFaire wares make me sick. You can pick up a decent used linoleum knife and ballpeen hammer for far less than the cost of The Back-Up.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 10:26 AM on October 18, 2007


I'm seriously thinking of hiring Smedleyman as a home security consultant.
posted by psmealey at 10:30 AM on October 18, 2007


You will laugh but now a popular piece of family lore my wife LOVES to tell people is the night I rolled over her like a ninja and simultaneously sleep-kicked a hole in the wall next to our bed and screamed at my bath robe hanging there "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!!!"

I have no recall of this.


I did a similar thing to a college roommate. In the middle of the night, I kicked him in the head, from the top bunk. Next morning, he had a black eye, and our sliding closet was damaged. No recall of the event.

Oh yeah, and this product is... surreal.
posted by ObscureReferenceMan at 10:42 AM on October 18, 2007


And I enjoy night fighting with knives.

OK, that's it, I'm staying well away from Smedleyman.
posted by languagehat at 10:47 AM on October 18, 2007


I, on the other hand, am stalking Smedleyman as prey. It's a most dangerous game, hunting a well trained human. It takes great skill and patience.

*hides in bushes*

*waits*


*waits longer*



*starts getting bored*




*gives up*
posted by quin at 11:04 AM on October 18, 2007 [1 favorite]


*Snitches on quin to get into Smedleyman's good books and out of his line of fire*
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 11:26 AM on October 18, 2007 [1 favorite]


Smedleyman: "... I enjoy night fighting with knives."

Wow, me too! When's the next meetup?
posted by kuujjuarapik at 11:34 AM on October 18, 2007


I nominate Balisong as organizer.
posted by cortex at 11:42 AM on October 18, 2007


If you're going to bring knives, you might as well invite Scarabic as well.
posted by psmealey at 11:53 AM on October 18, 2007


Finally, a meet-up I could get into.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:55 AM on October 18, 2007


I’ll bring the shocknives
Even more fun in the dark.
(FBI buddy of mine gets ‘em cheap)
posted by Smedleyman at 12:07 PM on October 18, 2007


The only training knife in the world capable of inducing FEAR!

Ha, once again my cowardice is underestimated!

I'd turn that to my advantage and take vengeance on the fools, but frankly, I'm too scared to leave the house.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 12:12 PM on October 18, 2007 [1 favorite]


“I, on the other hand, am stalking Smedleyman as prey.”

*hides in bushes*
(sleeping)

*waits*
(brushing teeth)

*waits longer*
(sitting on basement couch, watching t.v.)

*starts getting bored*
(eats chips)

*gives up*
(vague sense of unease prompts a look out the window, returns to bed)
posted by Smedleyman at 12:23 PM on October 18, 2007 [1 favorite]


*waiting under bed, grabs the Back-up from the bed-side rack, pumps, shoots first (Fuck Greedo!)*
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:27 PM on October 18, 2007 [1 favorite]


"And I enjoy night fighting with knives."

One more reason to vote for Smed. I did. You should too.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 12:36 PM on October 18, 2007


It's Raining Florence Henderson!? NooOOoOoOoOoooo!
*slides down to floor as the blood trail is smeared by back down the wall*
Cue!
posted by Smedleyman at 2:31 PM on October 18, 2007


Ahem, I mean NooOOoOoOoOoooo!
posted by Smedleyman at 2:34 PM on October 18, 2007


It's raining the blood of my enemies.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:34 PM on October 18, 2007


Perhaps some sort of hat would be in order.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 4:41 PM on October 18, 2007 [1 favorite]


This does nothing for you when you fall asleep on the couch watching Mama's Family.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 5:13 PM on October 18, 2007


...before you charge out of your bedroom 1/2 awake with a shotgun.

Not to mention the chance of shooting the person on the other half of the bed as you stumble around trying to get your bearings. Or blowing your kid's head off 'cause they were scared and wanted to know if they could sleep with Mommy and Daddy tonight?

BOOM!

"No."
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 8:07 PM on October 18, 2007


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