One man, one vote. Chuck Norris is The Man, he has The Vote.

October 23, 2007 7:47 PM

Sorry, Americans, the 2008 presidential contest is over, Chuck Norris endorses Mike Huckabee for president. Also, here's Chuck's plan for his presidency.
posted by Kattullus (56 comments total)

Oh, and the title is stolen from Terry Pratchett.
posted by Kattullus at 7:48 PM on October 23, 2007

oh hey look the chuck norris meme
posted by Mikey-San at 7:50 PM on October 23, 2007

Dude, you just put the internet it its place.
posted by spaltavian at 7:54 PM on October 23, 2007

Fuck Chuck Morris.
posted by gwint at 7:55 PM on October 23, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Huh. So Chuck Norris is a fascist.
posted by tepidmonkey at 7:56 PM on October 23, 2007

Tattoo an American flag with the words, "In God we trust," on the forehead of every atheist.

Wow. What a jackass.

*glared at by Chuck Norris*

Er, I mean that in a good way!
posted by brundlefly at 7:57 PM on October 23, 2007

This is the same Mike Huckabee who, at the debate the other night, said:

“When our founding fathers put their signatures on the Declaration of Independence, those 56 brave people, most of whom, by the way, were clergymen, they said that we have certain inalienable rights given to us by our creator.”

There was one (one!) clergyman among the signers: John Witherspoon. Witherspoon was a Presbyterian minister and president of the College of New Jersey (now Princeton University).

Now I understand why the budget is so fucked up, seeing as how 1 is most of 56. Chuck's saddling up the wrong pony, methinks.
posted by Benny Andajetz at 7:58 PM on October 23, 2007 [9 favorites has favorites]

Is this for real?

No, really. I'd heard some of the "Chuck Norris is so tough" type jokes, and even laughed at a few myself, but is he really that big a prick that he does them himself, and so badly?
posted by yhbc at 7:59 PM on October 23, 2007

Boy, that was weak. Not much of a man if he actually believes most of that bull.
posted by maxwelton at 8:03 PM on October 23, 2007

That was a lamest Chuck Norris joke ever.
posted by Kadin2048 at 8:06 PM on October 23, 2007

Chuck's bio reads like Kim Jong Il's.
posted by kickback at 8:16 PM on October 23, 2007

Tattoo an American flag with the words, "In God we trust," on the forehead of every atheist.

It would be better to tattoo "tsurt ew doG ni". That way when an atheist looks in the mirror it will make sense. About as much sense as the phrase "In God We Trust" makes anyway. So maybe just leave it.
posted by mattoxic at 8:20 PM on October 23, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

I would really appreciate it if America came under control of someone who puts their trust in God. The next time they're told it might be a nice idea if they tried to assassinate a foreign leader or topple a democracy or two, they could, I don't know, say a few Hail Marys instead.

Vast improvement.
posted by dreamsign at 8:30 PM on October 23, 2007

Oh, and the title is stolen from Terry Pratchett.

Yeah, and, like, everyone else since the dark ages.
posted by pompomtom at 8:32 PM on October 23, 2007

Lincoln!
Lincoln, Lincoln bo Bincoln Bonana fanna fo Fincoln
Fee fy mo Mincoln, Lincoln!

Ok now, let's do Chuck!
posted by edgeways at 8:33 PM on October 23, 2007

Is this for real?

Yes. Chuck Norris is a right-wing Christian lunatic who has been writing for WND for over a year now.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 8:38 PM on October 23, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

I got a bit worried when I saw Chuck's plan for us atheists in the comments here...but then when I actually read the link, and realized he was joking, I relaxed.

He's a good guy.
posted by davidmsc at 8:40 PM on October 23, 2007

Huckabee: No Health Care for Dirty Hippies
posted by homunculus at 8:43 PM on October 23, 2007

And that goes for you dirty burners, too.
posted by homunculus at 8:44 PM on October 23, 2007

To delight in war is a merit in the soldier, a dangerous quality in the captain, and a positive crime in the statesman.
-George Santayana (1863-1952)
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:04 PM on October 23, 2007 [5 favorites has favorites]

Comedy macho is perfect for the coming political season.
posted by telstar at 9:06 PM on October 23, 2007

in Soviet Russia, all your base are belong to ninja pirate hamster dance.

just trying to keep up with the freshness level of the Chuck Norris thing
posted by drjimmy11 at 9:28 PM on October 23, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

Oh is it 2005 again
posted by p3on at 9:33 PM on October 23, 2007

The Chuck Norris meme was funny because his tough guy image was juxtaposed with his obvious foolishness. It's just totally brilliant that Chuck Norris doesn't get it.

And that goes for you dirty burners, too.

Wow. That's right, the San Francisco Chronicle has devoted more words to covering Burning Man than the Iraq war. So glad some private citizens are out on tour setting the record straight on who's really winning the war, what with the lack of media coverage and all.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:38 PM on October 23, 2007

“When our founding fathers put their signatures on the Declaration of Independence, those 56 brave people, most of whom, by the way, were clergymen, they said that we have certain inalienable rights given to us by our creator.”

There is a 1% grain of truth in this. About 24 Founding Fathers (still less than a majority, though) ended up getting degrees at Christian colleges/seminaries. Thats not unsurprising for the time, since most universities were run by churches back then.

Its still completely and utterly disingenuous to say that "the majority were clergymen". Hell, if half the founding fathers were "clergymen" then so was Charles Darwin (who spent at least a few years in seminary).

In reality, the majority of the Fathers were lawyers (much like today) and merchants, real estate tycoons, plantation owners, securities traders and a smattering of doctors and scientists.

I know I'm supposed to be more cynical than this, but it hurts me that a United States Presidential canidate is either this mindblowingly ignorant or just outright lying. Even if he's lying, do you suppose he could lie about something that doesn't take 10 seconds of googling (or, back in the old days, 5 minutes of flipping through a history book) to debunk? Its like they're not even trying anymore.
posted by Avenger at 10:07 PM on October 23, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

I don't get the Chuck Norris thing. Charles Bronson would unload a shotgun into Chuck's face and order a pizza.
posted by Camofrog at 10:27 PM on October 23, 2007 [8 favorites has favorites]

If I see Huckabee in a pair of these, I'm gonna puke.
posted by louche mustachio at 10:28 PM on October 23, 2007

"And I do not care, because this is the most awesome thing I have ever seen"

Really? Jeans.

Wow, I'm no lifestyle guru, but you need to get out more.
posted by mattoxic at 10:35 PM on October 23, 2007

mattoxic writes "Wow, I'm no lifestyle guru, but you need to get out more."

HIDDEN GUSSET!!!
posted by mr_roboto at 10:38 PM on October 23, 2007

Chuck Norris is a bad actor. And a moron. That's all anyone needs to know.
posted by zardoz at 10:46 PM on October 23, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

Look, I'm no huge Chuck Norris or Chuck Norris joke fan (please ignore my comments in the "Cheney shot a guy" thread, thank you), or a WND fan, but this happened:

"Require Bill Gates and Warren Buffet to personally pay for national, comprehensive medical coverage for every American (or meet me in the Rose Garden)."

I actually think this is a part of Chuck's platform that every American can get behind.

(And oh, yeah, Republicans realize that health care is important. Now if the candidates can just get past the "Hillary-care" thing, we actually might get somewhere for once.)
posted by thecaddy at 10:50 PM on October 23, 2007

I've been a big supporter of Mike Huckabee's name for a long time. I just think it's a great name for a Southern politician. My hometown is 30 minutes from Arkansas. I would see his campaign signs and hope they would re-elect him so I could keep talking about "Govenor Huckabee" in a southern accent, as in,

"Govenor Huckabee gon' run them carpetbaggers out on a rail, I declare. T'were up to Govenor Huckabee, all them Yankees would be wearin' tar bloomers. Powerful hot today."
posted by Bookhouse at 11:16 PM on October 23, 2007 [3 favorites has favorites]

Bruce Schneier expects the Spanish Inquisition.
P = NP in Bruce Schneier's very presence.
Bruce Schneier knows Alice and Bob's shared secret.

... and so forth.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 11:30 PM on October 23, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Mike Hucka-who? Seriously, is this some guy running for president?

Chuck Norris, you've let me down. What this country needs, is your Roundhouse-Kick-to-the-Face running for president.
posted by jefbla at 11:36 PM on October 23, 2007

Huckabee is precisely the kind of affable evangelical to be in a position to split the GOP primary. They hate Mitt, cuz he's a fuckin' Mormon, and they hate Ghouliani, cuz he's a fuckin' gay-smoochin' baby-killer.

Hooray. More chaos among the GOP, the happier I am.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 11:41 PM on October 23, 2007

me: Oh, and the title is stolen from Terry Pratchett.

pompomtom: Yeah, and, like, everyone else since the dark ages.

Y'know what, I book.googled for it and I couldn't find any source older than Pratchett. It may be that many others have thought of it before him or it may be that he was the first or at least the first to put it into writing. Sometimes jokes that seem obvious actually aren't, an example being that, as far as we know, no one thought of saying "put your John Hancock here" until 1903.

Yes, I'm having trouble sleeping, why do you ask?
posted by Kattullus at 11:45 PM on October 23, 2007

jefbla writes "Mike Hucka-who? Seriously, is this some guy running for president?"

He's gonna be the candidate. Seriously. He'll do 2 or 3 in Iowa, win SC, and have the nomination sewn up by March.

He could be formidable, too. Populist Southern governors do well in presidential elections.
posted by mr_roboto at 12:05 AM on October 24, 2007

Chuck Norris is about as meme-worthy and appealing as Carrot Top.
posted by ursus_comiter at 12:23 AM on October 24, 2007

Chuck Norris is about as meme-worthy and appealing as Carrot Top.

Whenever I see his name, I always expect to see Chuck Connors from Branded
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:36 AM on October 24, 2007

Mike Huckabee congratulates Canada for preserving their ice parliament.
posted by Meatbomb at 1:40 AM on October 24, 2007

Wow. Yeah, pretty disappointing stuff. And his new fighting organization is pretty lame.
posted by HighTechUnderpants at 2:02 AM on October 24, 2007

Its still completely and utterly disingenuous to say that "the majority were clergymen". Hell, if half the founding fathers were "clergymen" then so was Charles Darwin (who spent at least a few years in seminary).

Stalin too. MIKE HUCKABEE IS A STALINIST EVOLUTIONARY.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 4:44 AM on October 24, 2007

all your base are belong to chuck norris
posted by Legomancer at 5:50 AM on October 24, 2007

Wowsers. He actually made me appreciate Ann Coulter's wit, which should be impossible.
posted by brain_drain at 6:26 AM on October 24, 2007

I ♣ Huckabee.
posted by JHarris at 6:41 AM on October 24, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

I can hardly believe it, but this is Chuck Norris' email address from this World Net Daily commentary:

[e-mail]

Which begs the question: Does Chuck Norris get penis enlargement spam?

Answer: Of course not fool! Chuck Norris is a penis enlargement!!
posted by Skygazer at 6:41 AM on October 24, 2007

Speaking as an Arkansan (that's the state where Huckabee was the Governor) I'm a little scared of Huckabee becoming the frontrunner. I'm pretty much certain that he's WRONG about almost everything, but he's such a genial and affable guy, that I think if he became the frontrunner for the GOP, the Dems might be in a little trouble.

Unlike any of the fucktards that seem to be in the lead right now, Giuliani, McCain, Romney, etc. All of whom I'm pretty sure even polarizing Hillary Clinton could beat handily.
posted by geekhorde at 7:02 AM on October 24, 2007

And his new fighting organization is pretty lame.

huh... I believe I heard that his new fighting organization was unstoppable.
posted by BaxterG4 at 8:25 AM on October 24, 2007

Chuck Norris would make a good vice-president for President Camacho, but I don't think he's nearly as qualified for President. Charles Bronson is much more qualified, since he both starred in the Death Wish series and serves as Florida's Secretary of Agriculture. He knows plants crave Brawndo.
posted by Cookiebastard at 9:18 AM on October 24, 2007

Tattoo an American flag [...] on the forehead of every atheist.

Yes, because the flag is a religious symbol and every atheist hates his country. Beautiful logic.

Oh, but it's a joke? CN thought he was writing a piece for The Onion? No, it's the christofascist mindset laid bare. "Ha, ha, only serious."
posted by oncogenesis at 9:39 AM on October 24, 2007

The Chuck Norris hate surprises me.

I was impressed when he didn't send a team of lawyers after the original 'Chuck Norris facts' guys and wrote an article about it saying he thought it was pretty funny.

Or maybe I'm just too used to Hollywood types suing everyone. :|
posted by drstein at 9:53 AM on October 24, 2007

"Require Bill Gates and Warren Buffet to personally pay for national, comprehensive medical coverage for every American (or meet me in the Rose Garden)."

I actually think this is a part of Chuck's platform that every American can get behind

Maybe, but Gates & Buffet are already doing more to help people than just about anyone else on the planet, so maybe some other billionaires should pitch in instead.
posted by wildcrdj at 10:09 AM on October 24, 2007

Oh, those wacky "Hollywood Types," always suing everyone!
posted by skammer at 10:14 AM on October 24, 2007

Yes. Chuck Norris is a right-wing Christian lunatic who has been writing for WND for over a year now.

I've met Norris briefly. Didn't strike me as a lunatic at all. Certainly very Christian.

One of my coaches was a trainer at Norris's summer camp. My coaches instructor taught Norris BJJ.

By all accounts of people I know and trust Norris is an entirely nice, sincere, guy with real integrity.

Which cannot be said for others in the "genre."

[COUGH] Segal [COUGH], [COUGH] Van Damme [COUGH], [COUGH] Poseurs! [COUGH]
posted by tkchrist at 2:33 PM on October 24, 2007

I was impressed when he didn't send a team of lawyers after the original 'Chuck Norris facts' guys and wrote an article about it saying he thought it was pretty funny.

Yes, but the article (previously) you're referring to contains the following, which was written without irony:

Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: "Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Ever."

There was a man whose tears could cure cancer or any other disease, including the real cause of all diseases – sin. His blood did. His name was Jesus, not Chuck Norris.

And then there's, you know. The fact that he'd like to have my forehead tatooed. I can understand not liking a guy who thinks that's a good idea.
posted by sparkletone at 4:42 AM on October 25, 2007

tkchrist: I've met Norris briefly.

and lived ?!?!!!!??!?!?!!!??!?!!!
posted by Skygazer at 12:37 PM on October 25, 2007