March 27, 2001

3:58 AM

Screen your thoughts for $35
"About 8 thought screens were made in early 1999 using a metalized plastic which is used in static shielding bags. Six users reported success but two users were overcome by telepathic commands, removed the helmets and were taken.
"In late 1999 and early 2000, nine new thought screens were made using Velostat shielding. All abductees wearing this helmet have not been taken while they were wearing it."
posted by lagado (14 comments total)

Link via the excellent Follow Me Here
posted by lagado at 4:00 AM on March 27, 2001

Everyone knows that clothes hangers wrapped around your head do the same thing for a lot less money.
posted by bradth27 at 6:58 AM on March 27, 2001

I'm surprised they don't mention the side benefit of making you immune to the subliminal messages in rock and roll music.
posted by briank at 6:59 AM on March 27, 2001

Yes, bradth27, but if you wrap the clothes hangers the wrong way, they enhance rather than shield your thought transmissions. You have to be very careful. In fact, it's better not to mention this at all, because it pisses the aliens off, and makes them more likely to abdu
posted by anapestic at 7:31 AM on March 27, 2001

(I love aliens that are nice enough to hit "Preview" and "Post" before running off with abducted users. So considerate! :-)
posted by cCranium at 7:50 AM on March 27, 2001

You forgot "Spell Check." The alien resistance movement has an interest in letting the word get out.

Actually, aliens vary widely in their levels of niceness. In this most recent abduction, I was offered an unlimited supply of cocktail peanuts. And free drinks, but they only had the cheap vodka. If they abduct you after 11, you get lunch. (I recommend the vegetarian meal: it's fresher.)

Yeah, they perform tests, but it's usually just a Meyers-Briggs personality profile.
posted by anapestic at 8:29 AM on March 27, 2001

Of course, if you wrap it the wrong way, it enhances transmissions. Everyone knows that, or so I thought. But if any of you are not sure, then send me 35 dollars, and I will tell you the proper way. Also, important to note....The new plastic clothes hangers do not work! Please do not try to use them, as they are widely known to cause brain tumors.
posted by bradth27 at 9:29 AM on March 27, 2001

What about metal spaghetti calendar/ strainer things. Simply throw a chin strap on it and you are in. No?
posted by a3matrix at 10:06 AM on March 27, 2001

I think there's a 96.3% chance that these gizmos will work at least as well as an orgone box.
posted by kozad at 12:59 PM on March 27, 2001

What about metal spaghetti calendar/ strainer things. Simply throw a chin strap on it and you are in.

That works just fine, a3matrix: most aliens won't abduct you if you make pasta for them. Hang out in the pasta aisle of your supermarket and load your basket with bow ties and see how many people offer you a sympathetic look. That's how we identify each other.
posted by anapestic at 1:37 PM on March 27, 2001

What about the reputable sponsors advertising on this site? I'm not sure how this is put together, but how do Stanley Kaplan ads get to bracket such dubious material?
posted by ParisParamus at 1:48 PM on March 27, 2001

anapestic: Aw crap, that's what I'm doing wrong. I always offer them penne.

cCranium wanders off to the supermarket, rubbing his bottom absent-mindedly
posted by cCranium at 2:44 PM on March 27, 2001

From Directions for use:

"NOTE: If the helmet is hot to wear in the summer punch some holes in the top with an a sharp instrument but be careful about the size and number of the holes..."

Can I add that for reasons of personal safety while wielding sharp instruments, please, please, remember to take the helmet off your head before piercing it.

80% abductee helmet injuries can be prevented this way.
posted by lagado at 5:54 PM on March 27, 2001

Such a handsome man.
posted by jpoulos at 10:56 AM on March 28, 2001