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Things I Have Failed To Masturbate To
October 28, 2007 7:03 PM   Subscribe

Things I Have Failed To Masturbate To. Via.
posted by jonson (64 comments total) 3 users marked this as a favorite

 
Thing I failed to laugh to.
posted by jayder at 7:09 PM on October 28, 2007 [8 favorites]


What a boner-killer.
posted by puke & cry at 7:10 PM on October 28, 2007


Useless without pics.
posted by Brittanie at 7:14 PM on October 28, 2007


This guy just isn't trying hard enough.
posted by jonmc at 7:15 PM on October 28, 2007


Not in the list: five-year-old boys singing the Koran.
posted by tepidmonkey at 7:15 PM on October 28, 2007 [2 favorites]


Mountain Man Dance Moves
posted by carsonb at 7:16 PM on October 28, 2007


Paul Harvey

Liar.
posted by brundlefly at 7:27 PM on October 28, 2007


An older Honda civic

Liar x 2
posted by gimonca at 7:30 PM on October 28, 2007


Six Flags Man Dance Moves
posted by Tenuki at 7:37 PM on October 28, 2007


Those are nothing; Metatalk is the real challenge.
posted by TedW at 7:38 PM on October 28, 2007


Those are nothing; Metatalk is the real challenge.

Well, that totally goes against the 'Wankers Only' sign above the door.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 7:44 PM on October 28, 2007


he should give the penguins a try.
posted by CitizenD at 7:44 PM on October 28, 2007


It would be more interesting as a gradient: the things that were most difficult to masturbate to, things that I just almost was able to get off on, unsuccessful attempts.
posted by Meatbomb at 7:45 PM on October 28, 2007


Pfft. I've got him beat. By a longshot.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 7:49 PM on October 28, 2007 [2 favorites]


A comment on that page:

A squirrel I locked eyes with! Paul Harvey! I'm going to be laughing like a maniac at work tomorrow, and people are going to be all like, What are you laughing about? And I'm not going to be able to tell them.

Posted by: Tadd | October 11, 2007 at 03:07 PM


The mystery of young Tadd's comment is obviously the true meat of jonson's post. Why won't he be able to tell them? Why??
posted by fleetmouse at 7:50 PM on October 28, 2007 [1 favorite]


also he should try that scene in baraka where the little baby chicks are falling down the chute.

good times.
posted by CitizenD at 7:51 PM on October 28, 2007 [2 favorites]


Dude didn't even get to Yan Can Cook yet.
posted by The Straightener at 7:52 PM on October 28, 2007 [1 favorite]


maybe he managed to wok off to that.
posted by jonmc at 7:52 PM on October 28, 2007 [3 favorites]


Things I Have Failed To Masturbate To. Via.

Five year old boy sings the Koran. So beautiful.


What?!
posted by homunculus at 7:53 PM on October 28, 2007 [1 favorite]


Oh. Two different posts. Never mind.
posted by homunculus at 7:53 PM on October 28, 2007


Total fail as an article. I can list things I *haven't* masturbated to till the cows come home. Shit, I can list *people* I haven't masturbated to till the cows come home. Politicians alone would keep us here all week without even starting on the actors and actresses and all the other categories of famous people.

A list of shameful things he *had* masturbated to would be much more interesting.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 7:58 PM on October 28, 2007 [2 favorites]


How about a giant roast beef sandwich, heavy on the mayo, stuffed into a set of skid marked granny panties? How about that?
posted by The Straightener at 8:00 PM on October 28, 2007 [1 favorite]


John Wayne's headstone
What? Being just a unmarked rock, this does seem hard.
posted by thomcatspike at 8:02 PM on October 28, 2007


Things I have failed to masturbate to:

Spaghetti in a can

Volume II of Das Kapital

cuteoverload.com

The phrase "hello world!"
posted by jason's_planet at 8:03 PM on October 28, 2007


Things I have failed to masturbate to:

...The phrase "hello world!"


A shame. Nice mental image.
posted by dreamsign at 8:09 PM on October 28, 2007 [1 favorite]


You know, I can see this guy's problem right away. He should be thinking about sex, like the rest of us. Seriously, it would work a lot better than squirrels or rocks.
posted by jokeefe at 8:10 PM on October 28, 2007


Seriously, it would work a lot better than squirrels or rocks.

Well, to get one's rocks off, one must first get them on...
posted by jonmc at 8:17 PM on October 28, 2007


You know you have a problem when you have to list the things you haven't masturbated to.

to which you haven't masturbated.
posted by flatluigi at 8:17 PM on October 28, 2007


A list of shameful things he *had* masturbated to would be much more interesting.

Or a supposed list of things you *can't* masturbate to. You know, like a challenge.

- happy meal pizza
- 400 year old clam
- possom ...

... can't be done.
posted by dreamsign at 8:19 PM on October 28, 2007 [2 favorites]


Metafilter: Wankers Only
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 8:20 PM on October 28, 2007


Total fail as an article. I can list things I *haven't* masturbated to till the cows come home. Shit, I can list *people* I haven't masturbated to till the cows come home. Politicians alone would keep us here all week without even starting on the actors and actresses and all the other categories of famous people.

A list of shameful things he *had* masturbated to would be much more interesting.


It's not things he *hasn't*, but things he *failed to*. FTA:

Just to be clear, in plain English, these are things I have attempted and failed to beat-off to:

Just for pedantry's sake...
posted by pupdog at 8:21 PM on October 28, 2007


If you can't yank a growler to Yan Can Cook, you ain't even trying. The whole PBS cooking line up is ripe with tossing material. America's Test Kitchen, NUUUTTTTT! Lidia, holy shit man she's older than God, rocking a splendid comb-over and built like R2D2. Let's do this thing!
posted by Divine_Wino at 8:25 PM on October 28, 2007 [5 favorites]


The Sears catalog? Really? Even the Craftsman hand tools section?
posted by mr_crash_davis at 8:31 PM on October 28, 2007


If this guy can't get the white out on the damned Victoria's Secret Catalog, I feel deeply suspicious that he can be the true author of this article, likely having no hands nor frontal cortex. Or maybe he's over 40. I have no knowledge of old man penis rules, being a young fabulous piece.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 8:41 PM on October 28, 2007


Lidia, holy shit man she's older than God, rocking a splendid comb-over and built like R2D2. Let's do this thing!

You know she fucks like a defensive lineman hits, comes up from out of a crouch and POW.
posted by The Straightener at 8:46 PM on October 28, 2007 [2 favorites]


Really? This is what we're posting to Mefi nowadays?
posted by WCityMike at 8:48 PM on October 28, 2007


Masturbation Failure would be a great, and terrible, band name.
posted by aerotive at 8:55 PM on October 28, 2007


bow chick-a-bow wow
posted by phaedon at 8:57 PM on October 28, 2007 [3 favorites]


WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO JONSON?

Or what haven't you done, as the case may be...
posted by dersins at 9:54 PM on October 28, 2007


I thought it was funny. The humor comes from the notional attempts, but I guess if you have to explain it...
posted by Rock Steady at 10:03 PM on October 28, 2007


Masturbation Failure would be a great, and terrible, band name.

Great and terrible like the Great and Terrible Oz? (who I failed miserably at masturbating to.)
posted by skammer at 10:06 PM on October 28, 2007


I can remember when the sears catalog was hot.
And the closest thing to free porn.
posted by Iron Rat at 10:08 PM on October 28, 2007


The Victoria Secrets catalogs

If you've never beat off to the Victoria's Secret catalog, I'm pretty sure that you're unamerican and that you hate freedom.
posted by Afroblanco at 10:12 PM on October 28, 2007 [2 favorites]


I mean, correct me if I'm wrong.
posted by Afroblanco at 10:12 PM on October 28, 2007


non understanding of chi town.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:21 PM on October 28, 2007


I'm skeptical of his self reporting. I want him hooked up to a penile plethysmograph so I can see a chart demonstrating his lack of arousal.
posted by louche mustachio at 10:31 PM on October 28, 2007


There's a corrolary to rule 34 somewhere around here.
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 10:47 PM on October 28, 2007


jonson, dude, you make such great posts some of the time.

And then there's the times that you don't.
posted by blacklite at 11:59 PM on October 28, 2007


Meatloaf's “Bat Outta Hell” record

When I lost my virginity, 'Welcome to the Neightoubrhood' was on the stereo. Didn't stop me, though. This guy just needs to focus.
posted by armoured-ant at 12:19 AM on October 29, 2007


That would be 'Neighbourhood', of course...
posted by armoured-ant at 12:20 AM on October 29, 2007


Well, shit. I lost mine to Everything you Ever Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 1:11 AM on October 29, 2007


Oh, come!

I belly-laughed when I saw the post title, and then giggled my way through the list. Just this picture in my head of a poor guy casting around in hilarious desperation for something, anything, to wank to.

Go on. Some of you smile. You'll enjoy it, I promise! OK, just a little grin? No?

Pffft.
posted by paperpete at 2:04 AM on October 29, 2007


This 'needing something to wank to' seems a major flaw in the male makeup, considering the amount of wanking ya'll do. What's wrong with imagination?
posted by goo at 3:20 AM on October 29, 2007


Meatloaf's “Bat Outta Hell” record

"What's it gonna be, boy?"

Man, if Karla Devito couldn't do it for him, there's no hope for him.
posted by tommasz at 4:59 AM on October 29, 2007


I don't think you can really "fail" at masturbation. It's one of the few things you can win just by trying.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 5:31 AM on October 29, 2007 [3 favorites]


eponysterical.
posted by 3.2.3 at 6:30 AM on October 29, 2007


The article was truly a disappointment. (though I *did* manage to - ahem).

This thread, on the other hand? ( get it? Fuckin' funny, right? Well, left, actually, anyway, YMMV) This thread on the other hand was everything the other wasn't. Actually, Karla Devito. As mentioned, I _ahem_.
posted by From Bklyn at 6:40 AM on October 29, 2007


What's wrong with imagination?

Of course, in reality, that's what would happen. When you find that those photos of Condoleeza Rice just aren't working for you, your mind will inevitably start wandering towards Ann Coulter -- yet again.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 7:00 AM on October 29, 2007


Meatloaf's “Bat Outta Hell” record

All revved up and no place to go, indeed.
posted by jonmc at 8:06 AM on October 29, 2007


Ahh, masturbation. That's where I'm 5 vikings.
posted by vito90 at 9:44 AM on October 29, 2007


I first started my epic journey with the Sears catalog.
posted by Deathalicious at 11:00 AM on October 29, 2007


This 'needing something to wank to' seems a major flaw in the male makeup, considering the amount of wanking ya'll do. What's wrong with imagination?

Exactly! I was just about to ask about that myself. I mean, I suppose it explains a lot, but it does seem a failure of the imagination amongst the menfolk. Pls clarify you guys thx.
posted by jokeefe at 11:30 AM on October 29, 2007


personally I prefer the circle jerk we call the comments section on Metafilter, where everyone plays Soggy Biscuit with each others FPP.

Now eat it.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 4:01 PM on October 29, 2007


Pls clarify you guys thx.

You do just the imagination about 50% of the time, but that usually only covers the first three of the day, for the rest you have to dig deep, it's more like a marathon than a sprint, you see, that's why the Victorians put doilies on the legs of grand pianos, there was an empire that needed building.

Although, alternately, many of us could be telling jokes and making fun of ourselves rather than actually having a real discussion, I guess we'll never know, sorry gotta go shake hands with the guv'ner.
posted by Divine_Wino at 6:38 PM on October 29, 2007


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