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The Final Frontier
November 2, 2007 8:42 AM   Subscribe

Eternal Image's licensed caskets and urns aim to make your Star Trek fantasy funeral a reality. Ditto with Precious Moments, the MLB, and the Vatican. Cat Fanciers and Kennel Clubbers won't be disappointed either.
posted by hermitosis (32 comments total) 4 users marked this as a favorite

OK, those Precious Moments urns and caskets are wigging me the hell out.
posted by the dief at 8:51 AM on November 2, 2007

America of 2007: where even death is a lifestyle statement.
posted by Malor at 8:51 AM on November 2, 2007

Whether you are pre-planning your own service (as many people do)...

I don't even know how to pre-plan. I'm not even planning.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 8:54 AM on November 2, 2007

posted by Smart Dalek at 8:56 AM on November 2, 2007

Return to Sender
posted by ColdChef at 9:01 AM on November 2, 2007 [1 favorite]

The Star Trek casket almost makes me reconsider having my cremated remains ejected into space.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:03 AM on November 2, 2007

I think I'm having a seizure of some kind.
posted by aramaic at 9:11 AM on November 2, 2007

What if your choice of urn determines your afterlife? Imagine an eternity in hell tormented by Precious Moments figurines. For that matter, imagine an eternity in heaven tormented by Precious Moments figurines.
posted by InfidelZombie at 9:17 AM on November 2, 2007

OK, the Star Trek urn is sort of cool. It beats the hell out of the plain ol' wooden box.

The rest: squick.

True story: a relative of mine was cremated, put in a small box, and then buried in the family plot (under cover of darkness) via a post-hole digger. This was done presumably to save a few bucks. No marker or anything. He's supposed to be in the corner nearest the fence, since the burying party didn't even pull all the way into the cemetery to do the deed. Just reached over the fence, punched the hole, dropped him and and covered it up. Done and done!
posted by jquinby at 9:19 AM on November 2, 2007

The Star Trek casket almost makes me reconsider having my cremated remains ejected into space.

Why choose? Couldn't you have your remains placed in the Star Trek casket and have that ejected into space? It would be just like Spock after he sacrificed himself to save the ship! Khan!
posted by Pollomacho at 9:27 AM on November 2, 2007

"This is the ultimate KISS® collectible, " said Gene Simmons. "I love livin', but this makes the alternative look pretty damn good."
posted by Kloryne at 9:31 AM on November 2, 2007

People buried in Precious Moments caskets aren't coming back as regular zombies, no. They're the ones that come back as the Sprinting Dead.
posted by sparkletone at 9:42 AM on November 2, 2007 [1 favorite]

I just want a shroud.

By Dolce & Gabbana.
posted by everichon at 9:46 AM on November 2, 2007

Do the Precious Moments caskets come in child sizes? Because I couldn't think of anything more heartbreaking and tacky at the same time than a child being buried in a Precious Moments casket.
posted by Nelson at 9:57 AM on November 2, 2007

Just get cremated and have your ashes mixed with some Fancy Cat and fed to Fluffy slowly over the course of a few weeks. You can achieve that final intimacy, unattainable in life, that comes with being digested and pooped out by your much-adored pet.
posted by baphomet at 10:05 AM on November 2, 2007

Shopping for caskets can be pretty strange.
When we were arranging my mother-in-law's funeral, I recall seeing a casket in the showroom that had a large image of a steam locomotive silkscreened onto the silk of the interior lid.
I came away asking myself "Is there a large enough market for steam locomotives to actually have that in the showroom?"
posted by Thorzdad at 10:09 AM on November 2, 2007

I don't know, but I'm guessing this might be the first time in history anyone has combined the word "precious" with the words "cremation urn"
posted by cptspalding at 10:14 AM on November 2, 2007

From the Precious Moments page:

The first urn scheduled for release is entitled “You Shall Be Clothed in Glory” and will be available in July 2007.

“You Shall be Clothed in Glory” will be followed by four equally special urns, each featuring a new figurine and design. These will be introduced one every few months through 2008 and be entitled: “His Love Will Light the Way,” “You Shall Fly With New Wings,” “In the Arms of Angels” and “You Know the Way Home.”"

Collect all five!
posted by hermitosis at 10:17 AM on November 2, 2007 [1 favorite]

or get buried in a giant coke can. eternally refreshing!
posted by snofoam at 10:21 AM on November 2, 2007

How much do these things run, anyway? I like the Egyptian motif of the cat urn (though I don't won a cat), but am I right in thinking I could probably have ashes and secretly spread in an Egyptian pyramid for less than the cat urn would cost?
posted by misha at 10:38 AM on November 2, 2007


I've never understood the whole casket thing. I mean, its a matter of taste, I'm not saying anyone is wrong, I'm just saying that I personally find it bizarre.

I figure I'm going to be dead, so a big expensive box to burry me in seems unnecessary at the lest. Have you priced caskets lately? They can cost upwards of a thousand dollars even for a relatively no frills model.

I want cremation and to have my ashes used to fertilize a flower garden. Seems like a nice, and not horribly expensive, thing to do.
posted by sotonohito at 10:39 AM on November 2, 2007

Thousands of years from now, archaeologists researching funerary practices of early 21st century Americans are going to dig up one of these Precious Moments caskets. They'll pry open the lid, gaze upon the dessicated corpse within and see the saccharine cartoon figure facing it. In an instant, they'll realize just how catastrophically deluded our culture was. Books will be written about our society's inability to treat fundamental crises like death, war and illness with the necessary we retreated into infantile wish fulfillment rather than confronting hard we preferred to gaze upon the faces of our kitsch idols even in death.

Congratulations Eternal Image, you've captured the Zeitgeist.
posted by felix betachat at 10:49 AM on November 2, 2007

I'm going with the ole Swedish Freeze 'n' Smash, aka Option #2:
Swedish company Promessa offers to freeze-dry your dead body in liquid nitrogen, bombard it with high-frequency vibrations until it's pulverized, and seal your powder remains in a coffin made of cornstarch. This environmentally friendly process will leave you and your coffin thoroughly decomposed within 6 to 12 months.
posted by LordSludge at 10:59 AM on November 2, 2007

Couldn't you have your remains placed in the Star Trek casket and have that ejected into space?

I thought about it, for a moment, but I'd rather not create even more space flotsom. (Yes, I realize that all of this makes me a huge dork.)
posted by uncleozzy at 11:03 AM on November 2, 2007

I know what I want done with my corpse.
posted by MrMoonPie at 11:28 AM on November 2, 2007

Presumably the Trek casket comes in XXXL only?
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 12:28 PM on November 2, 2007 [2 favorites]

Fantasy (but real) coffins: In another showroom, a polished uterus waits to be picked up by a gynaecologist.
posted by arcticwoman at 12:30 PM on November 2, 2007

GODDAMNIT! Is there a Ralph's around here?!
posted by porn in the woods at 1:26 PM on November 2, 2007 [1 favorite]

Where to you store a pre-ordered casket while you enjoy your remaining years on this earth?

I wonder if "notify me when available" is code for "someone is being buried in this casket today; tomorrow, we plan to dig him up and throw him into a pine box. We'll let you know when your 'photon torpedo' is recycled back into our inventory"
posted by necessitas at 4:06 PM on November 2, 2007

hermitosis: new keyboard please.
posted by Goofyy at 11:59 PM on November 2, 2007

Screw that, I'm getting my mom made into a diamond.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 10:58 AM on November 4, 2007

I think your mom would be happier if she were snorted ala Six Feet Under.
posted by item at 3:37 PM on November 5, 2007

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