Nice cash and prizes, buddy!

November 15, 2007 8:52 AM

Dear Man who flashed me on I-90...

The drawing made me laugh. So sue me.
Plus, I'm wondering how many women are going to come into this thread and say this has happen to them too.

posted by miss lynnster (104 comments total)

That's nuts.
posted by punkfloyd at 8:56 AM on November 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

The opposite of this
posted by exogenous at 8:59 AM on November 15, 2007

Plus, I'm wondering how many women are going to come into this thread and say this has happen to them too.

Something similar happened to me while I was in Prague. My friend and I were taking a train trip somewhere, and we managed to get to the train early enough that we were able to sit and settle for a while. We're at the window facing each other, sitting and chatting, when I see that she is staring out the window a little intently. All of a sudden, she stops mid-sentence and says, "Oh my GOD, that's a cock." I turn around to see what she's talking about and all I see is a headless torso, a cock, and a hand massaging it. I scream that we need to shut the curtains, which we do. Then theres a couple minutes of silence before she comes out with "Well, that's the first time I saw one of those in person."

Poor girl.
posted by piratebowling at 9:01 AM on November 15, 2007 [4 favorites]

NSFWOrDriving
posted by DU at 9:02 AM on November 15, 2007

This incident gives new meaning to Linens 'n Things.
posted by punkfloyd at 9:03 AM on November 15, 2007

a headless torso, a cock, and a hand massaging it.

That's pretty fucking freaky, but they say the human body can go on masturbating for up to a half-hour after decapitation.
posted by Greg Nog at 9:06 AM on November 15, 2007 [50 favorites]

That's nuts.

Was there a pin intended sir?
posted by Mastercheddaar at 9:06 AM on November 15, 2007

Normally i would of not looked twice but something caught my eye.
So here I am.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:09 AM on November 15, 2007

I can't draw penises on paint either.
posted by WolfDaddy at 9:16 AM on November 15, 2007

miss lynnster: Plus, I'm wondering how many women are going to come into this thread and say this has happened to them too.

I have never in my entire life met a woman that this hasn't happened to. It makes me despair for mankind.
posted by koeselitz at 9:16 AM on November 15, 2007 [4 favorites]

"Well, that's the first time I saw one of those in person."

What a waste of a good Prague.
posted by rokusan at 9:17 AM on November 15, 2007

Ah, Crossgates Mall. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum an villainy.
posted by backseatpilot at 9:17 AM on November 15, 2007 [3 favorites]

Plus, I'm wondering how many women are going to come into this thread and say this has happen to them too.

Although I am not a woman, I have seen a man stroking his lubed-up cock while driving down the highway. Possibly--but don't quote me on this--the Jersey Turnpike.

Also, I'm really unclear on how drawing a banana and two oranges attached to a torso at work is any different from just drawing the actual twig 'n' berries, but hey, whatever keeps you from getting fired.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:19 AM on November 15, 2007

Yeah, it happened to me numerous times when I was younger but only once on the freeway in San Diego. I was in my 20s and he drove parallel to me for miles. Couldn't get away from him, he even switched lanes when I did.
posted by miss lynnster at 9:20 AM on November 15, 2007

See, this wouldn't happen if people would have a certain amount of decency and respect. Some of us are discreet enough to forego the freeway self-pleasuring and jerk it on one-lane roads that don't see very much traffic.
posted by koeselitz at 9:24 AM on November 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

I think it is very foolish to drive and jerk off. That's why I always have someone else jerk me off when I'm driving.
posted by Astro Zombie at 9:27 AM on November 15, 2007 [3 favorites]

If the man who flashed her on I-90 is now reading this thread, please note the lack of, "And that's how I knew he was the one and we were married last June!" posts.
posted by misha at 9:28 AM on November 15, 2007 [8 favorites]

miss lynnster: How did he indicate?
posted by sien at 9:29 AM on November 15, 2007

Ba-doom tish!
posted by Jofus at 9:29 AM on November 15, 2007

Not that I want my own scarabic moment here, but to the question of how he kept driving during this little episode, I say "cruise control."

And then I'll head back to my insular world of invisible privilege, where nobody wags their junk in my direction on the freeway.
posted by MadDog Bob at 9:30 AM on November 15, 2007

I was in my 20s and he drove parallel to me for miles. Couldn't get away from him, he even switched lanes when I did.

Its stories like this that make my usually violence-hating self support widespread gun ownership. Especially among women.

"OH HAI GUYZ WATCH I WILL SHOE MY CACK TO THAIS WOMEN. LOL"

"OH NOEZ I AM SHOTZ. :( "
posted by Avenger at 9:30 AM on November 15, 2007 [11 favorites]

Astro Zombie: I think it is very foolish to drive and jerk off. That's why I always have someone else jerk me off when I'm driving.

A convenience not all of us can afford. But that's what automatic transmission was invented for, no?
posted by koeselitz at 9:34 AM on November 15, 2007

Much like the thread about the cult of child abuse associated with door-to-door magazine sales, this is another part of humanity that I had no clue existed.
posted by odinsdream at 9:35 AM on November 15, 2007

A convenience not all of us can afford. But that's what automatic transmission was invented for, no?

Get your motor running
Jerk off on the highway
Flashin' all the women
Who pass me on the way
posted by Mikey-San at 9:35 AM on November 15, 2007 [4 favorites]

Normally i would of not looked twice but something caught my eye

And with that, I stopped reading.
posted by jonson at 9:37 AM on November 15, 2007 [2 favorites]

Metafilter: Cash and Prizes!!
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:37 AM on November 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

disturbing interview with Dan Hoyt, the NY subway flasher
posted by bhnyc at 9:38 AM on November 15, 2007 [4 favorites]

Avenger: Its stories like this that make my usually violence-hating self support widespread gun ownership. Especially among women.

Agreed. And make my usually phone-gizmo-despising self delight in the sudden ubiquity of camera phones. (nsfw)
posted by koeselitz at 9:39 AM on November 15, 2007

Is pointing and laughing an effective way to shut down flashers?

I've lucikily never had the opportunity to find out.
posted by Asymptote at 9:39 AM on November 15, 2007

Don't get me wrong -- this is at once funny and horrible, and generally it's behavior that shouldn't be encouraged, and probably even implies a propensity toward even more objectionable behavior, but...it's really only bad if you don't like what you see, amirite? Once in my misspent youth a pretty attractive young woman flashed me her breast, and I have to say, the only real problem I had with it was that she didn't hang around afterward...
posted by kittens for breakfast at 9:40 AM on November 15, 2007 [2 favorites]

odinsdream - Um, what?
posted by Eyebeams at 9:41 AM on November 15, 2007

I've never had somebody flash me on the highway before, but once, in East Baltimore one December night, I was seriously flashed. I mean seriously - he had blinking Christmas lights wrapped around himself under the obligatory trench coat.

It was brilliant; we're still laughing about it. Better even than the guy on the London tube with the classic almost Monty Python get up: pants cut off above the knee and attached to half a shirt with this sort of suspendery thing. Some guys will, I guess, do anything to get a laugh.
posted by mygothlaundry at 9:43 AM on November 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

why is this FPP material?
posted by tozturk at 9:45 AM on November 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

Should've linked to this.
posted by koeselitz at 9:46 AM on November 15, 2007

I was once driving during rush hour from Tampa to St. Petersburg, actually stopped in traffic on the Howard Frankland causeway, when I looked over and saw a chubby naked guy walking along the grass toward traffic. The woman in the car next to me looked over and burst out in hysterical laughter. I wasn't quite sure what to think, but I'll never forget the goofy silly expression on that guy's face, which was far more memorable than his other, er, "attributes."
posted by lordrunningclam at 9:49 AM on November 15, 2007

My first (non-freeway) flasher (not including the neighborhood perv who flashed little kids walking to school when I was in elementary school) was when I was about 16 or 17. I was sitting with my friend Julie at the cafe in... I think it was Nordstrom's in La Jolla Village Square. Anyhow, it was on the ground floor and there were floor to ceiling windows. Her seat was facing into the store and mine was facing the windows as we were chatting and eating as high school girls do. Suddenly I saw this guy standing outside, leaned up against the window. I thought he was looking the other way, and he seemed to be tossing his car keys in his hand... as though maybe he was waiting for someone, I figured. Suddenly I focused, and pretty much spit out my food as I realized THOSE WERE NOT CAR KEYS. Soooo I squealed (also, as high school girls do) and he ran away. And I never ate there again. I don't think my friend Julie & I stopped squealing for a few hours, either.

Anyhow, ever since then, "tossing your keys" has been a much-used euphemism.
posted by miss lynnster at 9:49 AM on November 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

why is this FPP material?

Uhhh, well... because once in a while it's okay for us to share something silly that caught our attention without expecting it to be declared best of the web.
posted by miss lynnster at 9:55 AM on November 15, 2007 [2 favorites]

Snakes on a freeway.
posted by inconsequentialist at 9:56 AM on November 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

why is this FPP material?

Aaaand I think we've caught our mystery flasher!!
posted by brain cloud at 9:57 AM on November 15, 2007 [2 favorites]

So... if public nudity became ubiquitous, would flashers have more masturbation material, or less?
posted by dreamsign at 10:02 AM on November 15, 2007

There is a very simple and safe way to deal with being flashed on the road.

Get along side the offending car. Tap the brake slightly. As the front of your car falls back past his rear wheel, turn the steering wheel very gently so the front of your car pushes against the side of his car. As you push, accelerate very slightly, as if you were simply changing lanes. It is essential that you touch his car behind the rear wheel - the side of the bumper is best - and accelerate into him slowly.

The ensuing slow-motion rollover ballet is a delicate and awe-inspiring sight.
posted by Pastabagel at 10:03 AM on November 15, 2007 [11 favorites]

He must've had really long legs.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 10:05 AM on November 15, 2007

ROFL, that was funny. 'cash and prizes' are of fruit. Nothing like repeating the violation for all the world in banana and apricots.

About his illness, which, of course, could have ended in multiple deaths, along with the violating others aspect, is not so funny.
posted by nickyskye at 10:05 AM on November 15, 2007

disturbing interview with Dan Hoyt, the NY subway flasher

jesus. that was disturbing.

From the article:

From 1995 until October 2004, Jubb says, he subsisted almost entirely on one cup of herbal tea (with honey) per day. The rest of his nutritional needs were produced by “intestinal flora and friendly yeast”—plus his own urine, which he drinks two or three times a day.

In college people would turn around to me and ask me questions. I would explain things to the other kids, but then we’d take a test and they would get an A and I would get a D.”

“What Korn is doing now, I was doing in 1988,” he says. “If I had just stuck with it, I could have been Nine Inch Nails or Linkin Park.”

As for his R-train exploits, Hoyt says, “I’ve met women who enjoy it. After this incident happened, I had a woman tell me, ‘You know, that sounds exciting to me.’ She wouldn’t mind being on the other end.”

Hoyt believes that if he and Nguyen had only met under different circumstances, she might really like him. “You know, she’d go, ‘That guy’s pretty cool. He’s got this restaurant, and he’s fun,’ ” Hoyt says. “She’d probably want to go out with me.”

Wow. Just... wow.
posted by rooftop secrets at 10:05 AM on November 15, 2007

When my son was four he went through this phase where he'd march out of the bathroom pantless, chanting "I have a pee-nis! I have a pee-nis! You just have a bajina! But I have a pee-nis!"

Gave me a insight into the times I was flashed back in the day.
posted by maryh at 10:06 AM on November 15, 2007 [3 favorites]

"Cash and prizes" lends a whole new significance to being asked "cash or credit" at the grocery store.
posted by briank at 10:11 AM on November 15, 2007

"Cash and prizes" comes from Dane Cook, and therefore nauseates me. He's a highway knobber if ever I saw one.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:11 AM on November 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

"Anyhow, ever since then, "tossing your keys" has been a much-used euphemism."
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:12 AM on November 15, 2007

jonson, good thing, because she does it with "could of" too. And while she basically apologizes for says "screw y'all" about her 10,000 spelling errors, that could of, should of, would of error is something else entirely.

Kidz these days.

Regarding the event itself: An acquaintance of mine used to be very proud of his 'cash and prizes' and would show it at any opportunity, especially when he was drunk. So I can imagine this happens quite often.

In his particular instance, he was pierced at the end, and it would make the annoyingly loud cracking sound of metal against glass whenever he would bang it against the passenger-side window. Fortunately, he never tried this while driving, but this was, I think, simply because he didn't own a car (he spent all his money on whiskey).
posted by moonbiter at 10:14 AM on November 15, 2007

That's pretty fucking freaky, but they say the human body can go on masturbating for up to a half-hour after decapitation.

And more to the point, perverts can go on masturbating corpses until their weiners rot off.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:14 AM on November 15, 2007

The pictures were what made that story, to be sure. I agree that most women I know have experienced this - to me inexplicable - behavior at one time or another.

When I was 15, my cousin and I were sunbathing and swimming on the cliffs by her summer house, when this guy in a huge coat (this is mid summer, mind you) walked up and tried to chat us up, then flashed us. We burst out laughing at this pathetic man in his mid 30:s, and rolled our eyes at him. But it was kind of creepy, so we gathered our things and went home. My aunt, upon hearing about it, ran over there and happened upon him coming down from the cliffs. He got a scolding that I don't even want to imagine. Good thing too, we never saw him again.
posted by gemmy at 10:26 AM on November 15, 2007

He got a scolding that I don't even want to imagine. Good thing too, we never saw him again.

(Gemmy, I think your aunt killed that guy!)
posted by kittens for breakfast at 10:29 AM on November 15, 2007 [7 favorites]

Used to get flashed all the time on the London tube going to and from school. The trick was to look long and hard (as it were) at the offending member and then say very loud, so that all the carriage could hear: 'Well, well, it looks like one, only smaller.'
posted by jennydiski at 10:32 AM on November 15, 2007 [14 favorites]

I have never in my entire life met a woman that this hasn't happened to.

And just how do you know that? Is it something you ask about on being introduced? Does your use of 'met' include such encounters as ordering a meal or buying groceries?
posted by Kirth Gerson at 10:41 AM on November 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

disturbing interview with Dan Hoyt, the NY subway flasher

jesus. that was disturbing.

It was disturbing. But totally worth it for the title of the article. Subway flasher/masturbator and raw-food entrepreneur? "Onan the Vegetarian."
posted by felix grundy at 10:43 AM on November 15, 2007 [2 favorites]

odinsdream says "this is another part of humanity that I had no clue existed."

koeselitz says: "I have never in my entire life met a woman that this hasn't happened to."

odinsdream, you really haven't been paying attention, have you? When I was younger, it was a constant, like the falling rain. A man running up to you on the street and putting his hand between your legs? Yep. A man on a too-crowded bus rubbing against my 13 year old hips, horrifying me, and leaving me terrified that he'd follow me when I got off at my stop, so that I was planning possible escape routes? But of course. A man walking up to me at what we used to call a rock concert and grabbing my breast? Certainly. Another man running up to me on the dance floor, grabbing me by the waist and turning me head down so that my skirt fell around my shoulders?

All of these things happened to me within the space of about 18 months, and that's not including the whistles, catcalls, the leering. Oh, and of course the flashing.

Men used to think that we should take it as a "compliment". Uh, no. It was irritating at best, frightening at worst.
posted by jokeefe at 10:43 AM on November 15, 2007 [4 favorites]

Is it something you ask about on being introduced?

Oh, hi, I'm koeselitz. Have you ever seen a grown man naked?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:45 AM on November 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

Oh man! And I forgot the guy who showed up a hundred feet away from where I was sitting in the woods beside the high school and jerked off. We were smoking a joint, and besides ourselves with horrified mockery. I had no idea semen could fly that far. We were beyond disgusted; we thought it was the most pathetic thing we'd ever seen. Yes, of course he knew we were there: that was the point.
posted by jokeefe at 10:45 AM on November 15, 2007

miss lynnster, how do we KNOW that is not a self-link?

I keed, I keed, I keed because I'm sick and very cranky
posted by wendell at 10:46 AM on November 15, 2007

I was at Burning Man watching a band play just after dark, when my friend noticed a man painted red like the devil, totally naked, jacking off right behind us. Even his dick was painted crimson and not the normal magenta-colored-dong that everyone is used to seeing.
posted by wolfewarrior at 10:48 AM on November 15, 2007

In the first grade, my little (strictly platonic) girl friend and I were sitting in class with all the other kids, while the Ms. Teacher was enjoying a chat with another grownup and basically ignoring us. We were coloring something, using a flesh colored crayon as I recall. So, for some reason, my little friend decided she wanted to see my "thingy". Nobody else was looking, so I thought, "why not?" and pulled my elastic waistband back. She leaned over and took a good look at my business, then her eyes got wide and she covered her mouth with both hands. And then, in a sudden flash of insight, she quickly stood and RAN UP FRONT TO TELL MS. TEACHER!!

I just knew I was going to be in big, BIG trouble. What would Ms. Teacher do to me? What would the principal do to me? I was going to get kicked out of school, then my parents were going to kill me in a very painful way and feed me to the dog. I mean, I was panicked like no 6 year old should be, just crushing my eyes shut, clenching both fists, and going ohnoesohnoesohnoesohnoes in my head. I vividly remember that feeling.

Plus, I felt so betrayed. I mean, SHE had asked to see MY junk -- it wasn't even my idea! And there she was, Telling On Me.

But. . . what's this? Ms. Teacher was so completely engaged in her grown-up conversation that she dismissed my girl friend's repeated pleas for attention with a wave of the hand. Looking dejected, my EX girl friend put her head down and walked back to sit next to me, as a wave of relief washed over me. Whew, that was a close one!

Needless to say, I didn't share my peach cobbler with her at lunch. Nope, she was cut off. Sorry, babe, but you fuck with the bull, you get the horns.

Also, just the other day, I flashed this girl on I-90. She seemed pretty impressed.
posted by LordSludge at 10:48 AM on November 15, 2007 [19 favorites]

Yeah, men are ogres.

Now bend over.
posted by four panels at 10:52 AM on November 15, 2007

"...a hundred feet away...I had no idea semen could fly that far."

Distance is one thing, accuracy is quite another....
posted by Floydd at 10:53 AM on November 15, 2007

Snakes In A Lane
posted by fandango_matt at 10:54 AM on November 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

About 15 years ago, there was a flasher terrorizing women at a remote park near a lake in my hometown. When they caught him, it turned out to be my high school Geometry teacher. He was the kind of guy that kids ran roughshod over- superglued his door shut, had parties in class, etc. I guess this was how he released his "frustrations".

I've also had this happen to me in a parking lot.
posted by kimdog at 10:58 AM on November 15, 2007

LordSludge: Plus, I felt so betrayed. I mean, SHE had asked to see MY junk -- it wasn't even my idea! And there she was, Telling On Me.

Ah, there you are. A man complaining that he was poor boy betrayed by a girl when he took his willy out. Re-read Jokeefe...that's how it was. All the bloody time.

wolfwarrior: the normal magenta-colored-dong that everyone is used to seeing.

Magenta?
posted by jennydiski at 11:00 AM on November 15, 2007 [2 favorites]

why is this FPP material?

You mean Front PeePee. The answer is staring you in the face with one eye.
posted by srboisvert at 11:08 AM on November 15, 2007

So much hostility towards flashers in this thread.

"Oh no! I saw a cock! Better chase him/run him off the road/shoot at him!"

Do you people launch a massive DDOS on everyone who goatses you?
posted by tehloki at 11:09 AM on November 15, 2007

In Alaska they are usually Cyan.
posted by exogenous at 11:12 AM on November 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

I once chased a middle-aged guy out of the girls' locker room at my high school.

Well, chased is putting it a little strongly, perhaps. I brandished a hockey stick at him and ordered him out of there. He zipped right up and scurried out the door, pronto.

At the time, it seemed more hilarious than scary.
posted by tangerine at 11:13 AM on November 15, 2007

Captain Nutsack exposes balls at Burger King
posted by homunculus at 11:18 AM on November 15, 2007

nice dodge of racial humor, exogenous!
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 11:18 AM on November 15, 2007

Kirth Gerson: And just how do you know that? Is it something you ask about on being introduced? Does your use of 'met' include such encounters as ordering a meal or buying groceries?

Quite simply. I don't wear clothes.

On a more serious note, I don't know that I've never met a woman that that hasn't happened to, but I've never met a woman who said it hadn't. My wife and her mom have a good hour's worth of stories, as does every woman I've ever talked to about this.
posted by koeselitz at 11:19 AM on November 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

Do you people launch a massive DDOS on everyone who goatses you?

If most Americans knew how to orchestrate DoS attacks, the internet would never work again.

This says something about our culture but I'm not sure what, exactly.

Oh, and .... *shoots tehloki*.
posted by Avenger at 11:19 AM on November 15, 2007

tehloki: So much hostility towards flashers in this thread.

I've been thinking about this. I have to say that there's a vast difference, I think, between a fat guy walking around naked and a fat guy walking around naked with a member of congress who's stood up and is about to filibuster. There is, in particular, a difference between a fat guy walking around naked and some perverted jerk who carefully selects a teenaged female and thence begins to frisk himself at her. In fact, it's probably less threatening for someone to be entirely naked than it is for them to reach under their clothes and masturbate with the sole purpose of being observed doing so.

I can't precisely say why I feel this way, but I don't think it would be too difficult. It sure points up differences between men and women, though; I'm trying to picture a thirtysomething woman wandering around and masturbating maliciously at 15-year-old boys, and I just can't. That's probably because I'm trying too hard.

Anyway, in short: guy who streaks onto football field = funny. Guy who finds young girls alone and masturbates at them = evil. The in-between cases - guy whose balls are exposed at McDonald's, et al - are tough for me to parse, although probably not too great, I guess.
posted by koeselitz at 11:29 AM on November 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

I often wondered about the guy on the Madrid Metro who terrorized me every morning for a week. First train of the morning. I had no other way to get to the Complutense. So this little old Andaluz lady gave me a wool carder, and showed me how to use it, (72 teeth to the inch)
and I did.
Jumped aside just in time!

I wonder if there is a female Mefite it hasn't happened to?
posted by Wilder at 11:31 AM on November 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

Yeah, I've gotten booby-flashed a few times, and more and more often, women are going right for the grope. It happens to us guys too, and it isn't entirely welcome. (Esp when your *husband* is standing right there?? Get the fuck offa me, woman! I'm not a damn piece of meat.)

The big difference is that, as a guy, I'm in nearly zero physical danger when some drunk girl walks by and smacks my ass. In fact, I generally "turn the other cheek" if I'm in a party mood -- but I have verbally dressed a girl down for it before.
posted by LordSludge at 11:36 AM on November 15, 2007 [2 favorites]

it would be kind of funny if he wrecked while doing that. but only if he didn't hurt anyone else.
posted by thinkingwoman at 11:40 AM on November 15, 2007

a fat guy walking around naked with a member of congress who's stood up and is about to filibuster

Considering the recent behavior of several Republicans, I wasn't certain whether that was supposed to be a euphemism or not.
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:41 AM on November 15, 2007

Metafilter: I'm trying to picture a thirtysomething woman wandering around and masturbating maliciously
posted by mr_crash_davis at 11:42 AM on November 15, 2007

When I was 15, a old guy - a really old guy - showed up at the movie theater where I was watching some teeny flick or another. He sat a few seats to my left, and I noticed him slumping lower and lower as the movie progressed... but it wasn't until I heard the grunting and then a distinctly wet spattering sound that I realised what was happening.
The ushers, to their credit, removed him VERY quickly.
posted by Billegible at 11:43 AM on November 15, 2007

Well, it's not just America though. My friend Lisa and I were once cornered by a bunch of flashers in Penang Malaysia on our way back to our youth hostel one night. Although admittedly, there wasn't much to see.
posted by miss lynnster at 11:43 AM on November 15, 2007

why is this FPP material?

Because it is like manna from Heaven for the toolbelt manhaters that roam Metafilter with a fried chicken leg in one hand and Camila Paglia's panties in the other.

More succinctly, it massages their prejudices.
posted by four panels at 11:47 AM on November 15, 2007

Yes, quite right, four panels, only an embittered, bigoted old dyke would object to being followed down the street from the age of 8 onwards by a bloke with his penis hanging out of his trousers. Normal, healthy heterosexual fair-minded women - real women - would be happy - no, proud - to help out her fellow man. It's just such a bore being left alone to get on with going where you're going and not being able to make a sexually desperate man feel better.
posted by jennydiski at 11:55 AM on November 15, 2007 [14 favorites]

I flashed a bunch of people this one time.

It was Election Day 1994 and the College Democrats recruited a small group of people to go down to the entrance to campus wearing nought but trenchcoats and footwear. When we stood in line and flashed the oncoming traffic, you could see the bodypainted letters on our torsos: V-O-T-E-!

I was the V (and the only guy, strangely enough).

We didn't last long before a cop showed.
posted by jtron at 12:03 PM on November 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

When I was 10 years old (1986), I was walking toward Powell's bookstore, lagging behind my family. A man appeared seemingly from out of nowhere.

My memory is that he looked like Ted Kaczynski, but of course this was before he was arrested. He was dressed in a red sweatsuit and he had both arms so far down his pants that his elbows where at the waistband.

He blocked my path, fixed his crazy eyes on me and intoned: "I HAVE A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY." Then he whipped it out. I walked past and caught up to my parents.

I knew what exactly what he was doing, but I had to turn his comment over in my mind several times before I realized what he was implying.

Oddly, this isn't an unpleasant memory. I was never scared of him and still think he was just some crazy guy.
posted by peep at 12:03 PM on November 15, 2007

That people expose themselves for sexual gratification, in public, to unwilling onlookers, is not a prejudice. It is a fact. That the vast majority of these people are male, and specifically target females, is likewise a fact.
posted by 235w103 at 12:05 PM on November 15, 2007

...to lose someone in an accident where the other driver was enjoying himself while his cellphone rang.
posted by Free word order! at 12:08 PM on November 15, 2007

Four Panels you are the platonic ideal of a bitter and confused jagoff, a fractally pathetic twerp, you need to go pay someone (quite a bit of money, I hope) to listen to your sad little story of whatever made you into such a twisted little homonoculus and keep that shit out of here.
posted by Divine_Wino at 12:12 PM on November 15, 2007 [3 favorites]

Because it is like manna from Heaven for the toolbelt manhaters that roam Metafilter with a fried chicken leg in one hand and Camila Paglia's panties in the other.

Toolbelt manhaters eat fried chicken? You're getting your racism and misogyny mixed up with your hatred of contractors.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:18 PM on November 15, 2007 [13 favorites]

Noobody posted the female equivalent?
posted by kittyprecious at 12:32 PM on November 15, 2007

I have never in my entire life met a woman that this hasn't happened to.

Interesting. Not that this counts as meeting me, but I am a woman, and this has never, ever happened to me. Anecdotal data point.

I don't WANT it to happen, but given the comments in this thread that suggest that this happens to a majority of women, I can't help but wonder why it hasn't. I haven't lived a super-sheltered life, but I'm feeling like maybe I need to get out more.
posted by MsElaineous at 12:38 PM on November 15, 2007

being followed down the street from the age of 8 onwards by a bloke with his penis hanging out of his trousers

He'll be getting on a bit now. Do you have to walk more slowly, so he can keep up?
posted by Grangousier at 12:47 PM on November 15, 2007 [2 favorites]

I, for one, would love the opportunity to spend some time with a manhater, assuming they're willing to bring me greasy fried food and womens' underthings.

My only objection would be if the underthings were how they were carrying the chicken around with them (no staph infections for me, plz!)
posted by sparkletone at 12:53 PM on November 15, 2007

MsElaineous: If you're not willing to go out more, I'm sure there's some sort of service you could contact to send flashers to your home.

Also this:
I think it is very foolish to drive and jerk off. That's why I always have someone else jerk me off when I'm driving.

must have made for an awkward driving test. Though I'm assuming you passed which raises all sorts of questions...
posted by ODiV at 12:54 PM on November 15, 2007

These comments are really making me think, actually... I really wish people could post comments as anonymous sometimes. Because by percentages alone, YOU KNOW that there are people reading this thread who are, indeed, serial flashers or public masterbators. There HAVE to be. And I have always really wanted to ask them for their side of the story... do they REALLY believe that if a girl gets a look at their junk in all of its glory that they will BE sexually excited by it? That, like the NY flasher says, they will be turned on and "want to date" them? Do you feel your penis is too powerful, too unique to keep to yourself? Or is it just the thrill of doing something that people aren't supposed to do? That you have power over someone else and maybe are even degrading them to a sex object for you?

Because when you're a girl and some guy is waving his penis at you, you REALLY just do not relate to that person needing to do that. It does not bring you closer to that person AT ALL. Quite the opposite, really. There is a huge difference between viewing the genetalia of a person you are attracted to and feel a safe connection with in PRIVATE and seeing the genetalia of a complete stranger who is following you around uninvited as you are minding your business trying to go about your day IN PUBLIC. Just really... DO NOT WANT. Especially when we are young girls!!! Please, I know it's difficult because you want to share your manhood but keep your twigs and berries to yourself please. I'm sure you could find someone special who wants to see them if you learned better social skills. And if you need excitement? Try bungee jumping or something more legal & less offensive.

Anyhow, I've never really understood why there are apparently so many men who find that hard to believe or understand that our disinterest in a stranger's banana and apricots has NOTHING to do with having sexual hangups or hating men. I'm quite fond of them. Just not when they're acting like this. Frankly, I'm on Bart twice a week and I'm always a little scared by the stains on the seats now.

I like to CAPITALIZE for EFFECT.
posted by miss lynnster at 12:55 PM on November 15, 2007 [4 favorites]

I don't WANT it to happen, but given the comments in this thread that suggest that this happens to a majority of women, I can't help but wonder why it hasn't. I haven't lived a super-sheltered life, but I'm feeling like maybe I need to get out more.

Y'know, my theory has always been that I'm too observant so I catch things around me I probably wish I didn't. I always survey my environment and notice details. I remember thinking that when the freeway guy was driving next to me. I had no reason to look at the car next to me, but I'm just always looking around. And then after I did, I was like... wait a minute. What is he doing? And when he saw me spot him, he thought that was a sign of encouragement. Oh, joy.

You may have had these people around you without knowing. Either you missed it, or you didn't see them and so they didn't proceed because they didn't get the thrill they wanted. And I very sincerely say... lucky you. It's not something you're missing out on.
posted by miss lynnster at 1:02 PM on November 15, 2007

Miss Lynnster, as a female I can agree with what you're saying, but I think that these people fundamentally want to shock and dismay girls. They don't think like you and I, but they're not so stupid that they don't know what they're doing.

They're not trying to get close to anyone this way.
posted by zebra3 at 1:03 PM on November 15, 2007

A girl I knew years ago once related to me, a goal she had. She had been flashed. Apparently it wasn't a really big deal, because she viewed the incident as having been instructive to developing this new goal of hers, and this was, in her mind, an awesome enough idea to offset the offense.

After she got flashed, she bought pepper spray.

And now her goal was to use it. But, and this is critical, not on the flashers face.

As the concept slowly filtered into my mind I winced, and the idea itself was enough to make me squirm.

"Exactly." she said with some malevolent humor.
posted by quin at 1:03 PM on November 15, 2007

Because by percentages alone, YOU KNOW...

Are you sure about that, though? I mean, I think a couple dozen guys have posted here, and it's hard for me to believe that flashers are any more than one in a thousand. I'm not a math wizard or anything -- far from it -- but still.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 1:05 PM on November 15, 2007

They're not trying to get close to anyone this way.

That's what I used to think. But then when you see the people who get caught, many of them are lonely guys who don't know how to communicate with women. So sometimes I wonder if that's what they think they're doing...?
posted by miss lynnster at 1:09 PM on November 15, 2007

Well, I just figured out of 62,000+ people, there have to be Mefites who do this. And just because guys aren't interested in posting doesn't mean they aren't reading.

They may be... lurking.
posted by miss lynnster at 1:11 PM on November 15, 2007

matt promised to delete this. hmmm.
posted by dismas at 1:14 PM on November 15, 2007

I've also never been flashed. But I've been catcalled and grabbed, sure.

I sort of got myself flashed in Vegas, once. I was drunk, walking down the strip, and I saw this man huddled in a bush in front of the shopping mall there. I ran over to his side and said "Hey, hey what's wrong? Are you okay? Why are you all alone??" He laughed, thank god, and said "I'm pissing!!" and I said "Oh! Okay, bye!"
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 1:14 PM on November 15, 2007