Rapture ready, underground

November 15, 2007 9:58 AM

Russian sect says world ends May 2008. And no, you can't borrow their cave.

...other dates for the end of the world, some of which may have been a little pre-emptive.

posted by Artw (43 comments total)

Can they move it up to April 14, so I don't have to file taxes?
posted by VicNebulous at 10:03 AM on November 15, 2007

They must have miscalculated, everyone knows the world ends in 2012.
posted by drezdn at 10:03 AM on November 15, 2007

Actually, everyone knows the world is going to end in two minutes.
posted by turaho at 10:05 AM on November 15, 2007

Damn, my watch must be fast.
posted by turaho at 10:08 AM on November 15, 2007 [3 favorites]

If the world is going to end, what good is hiding in a cave?
posted by briank at 10:08 AM on November 15, 2007

briank - They can dance, dance, dance to the radio there.
posted by Artw at 10:14 AM on November 15, 2007 [2 favorites]

If the world is going to end, what good is hiding in a cave?

You get to spend your last moments in a cold, damp hole crusted with bat shit and surrounded by your fellow paranoid depressives, who wouldn't want to go out that way?

Fuck that dying while high on mushrooms and Laphroaig between the taut thighs of a beautiful prostitute I haven't paid yet shit, I'm packing for the cave now.
posted by Divine_Wino at 10:17 AM on November 15, 2007 [5 favorites]

If the world is going to end, what good is hiding in a cave?

Maybe they figure the outside world will taint them, and they are making double-extra-super-sure that they can get into heaven.

Or maybe they never thought of it that way. Someone should shout that into the ventilation hole and see what happens.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 10:18 AM on November 15, 2007

They had decided to barricade themselves inside until May 2008 - the date when their spiritual leader told them the world was going to end.

Who doesn't have an idea of when the world's going to end? They're not that different from everybody else in that respect.

However, they do seem to have accidentally inverted a critical sequence:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

| STATUS OF WORLD |       Ending Now          |     Ending Later         |

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

| ACTION          |  Barricade self inside    | Get out, see & do things |  

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The cave can wait until April, my friends. In the meanwhile, why not see Paris or Tokyo, or visit the Himalayas or the Grand Canyon or something?
posted by weston at 10:21 AM on November 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

Half a ton of honey and a load of jam? I guess their plans for the afterlife include "toast".
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 10:21 AM on November 15, 2007 [5 favorites]

Metafilter: dying while high on mushrooms and Laphroaig between the taut thighs of a beautiful prostitute.

Please to kindly direct me to your newsletter, that I may subscribe.
posted by jquinby at 10:26 AM on November 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

Russian news report with pictures that may or may not be related (the captions are, but the photos may be stock—they obviously don't have file photos of Father Pyotr).

From the Grauniad story:

Police and ambulances have sealed off the approach to the cave, which is scarcely visible from the outside and hidden by a sloping ravine. Relatives of cult members are expected to arrive at the scene shortly from Belarus and Ukraine to try and persuade their loved ones to give up. This may be tricky, however, as cult members have apparently taken a vow of silence.

Asked whether Russian special forces would storm the cave, Volchkova said: "For the moment the police are making sure that the situation is OK and under control."

1) What the fuck is all the commotion about? "Sealed off the area"? Is it illegal to live in a cave? Why not just leave them alone to practice their wacky sectarianism?

2) Anybody else getting a whiff of Waco? I have a terrible feeling the special forces are getting impatient and just want to get it over with by any means necessary.
posted by languagehat at 10:28 AM on November 15, 2007

I think I've posted this before, but Frontline had a really interesting episode about the history and evolution of apocalyptic thought on the Western world. Transcript available online. I think about that episode often (perhaps because people often do things like this).
posted by monkeystronghold at 10:41 AM on November 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

So their leader isn't even in there with them? Gee, that's not fishy at all.
posted by padraigin at 10:44 AM on November 15, 2007

Anybody else getting a whiff of Waco? I have a terrible feeling the special forces are getting impatient and just want to get it over with by any means necessary.

Yes indeed, it looks like it might be one of those self-fulfilling prophecies.
posted by Divine_Wino at 10:47 AM on November 15, 2007

Russian special forces: when you absolutely, positively want to kill every last motherfucker in the room.
posted by Artw at 10:48 AM on November 15, 2007

What the fuck is all the commotion about? "Sealed off the area"? Is it illegal to live in a cave? Why not just leave them alone to practice their wacky sectarianism?

I have a feeling the answer to that quite reasonable question will be something along the lines of (and feel free to translate this into Russian): "WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!!"
posted by Atom Eyes at 11:06 AM on November 15, 2007

I think that would be along the lines of "А вот о детях не думаете??" But I await an actual Russian-speaker's input.
posted by languagehat at 11:17 AM on November 15, 2007

Russian special forces: when you absolutely, positively want to kill ....

When you care enough to send the very best: Войска специального назначения.

I knew one naval Spetnaz who used to kill Chechens for fun and profit. I'm tempted to look him up and offer him a MF account. 'Geniy would probably have fun comparing views with Smedleyman, for instance.
posted by pax digita at 11:55 AM on November 15, 2007

What? I just purchased a MeFi account!
posted by ersatz at 11:59 AM on November 15, 2007

That's awesome, Divine_Wino. You look forward to the end of the world 'cause it's your chance to deceive the last beautiful, taut-thighed prostitute you'll ever lie with and the last human being you'll ever touch or see on this earth... I'm tearing up, here, I got the sniffles, you done renewed my faith in Man. Lucky the crazy russkies are probably wrong and our awesome, awesome species will endure 'til the death of the sun. A gajillion more years of human achievement and general... awesomeness. Huh... Funny, I don't know why the joyful prospect is exhausting me so much. I think maybe I'll take a day or two off work to explore area caves.
posted by Don Pepino at 12:14 PM on November 15, 2007

I was making a joke you pluperfect knob.
posted by Divine_Wino at 12:29 PM on November 15, 2007

DNFTKnob.
posted by languagehat at 1:16 PM on November 15, 2007

So their leader isn't even in there with them? Gee, that's not fishy at all.

Maybe they locked him out.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 1:38 PM on November 15, 2007

I was making a joke you pluperfect knob.
Ya, I know, me too and in my hilarious joke the whole human race gets my ass and in yours just the one hot prosty lady see that is the difference betwixt us other than I guess I'm pluperfect and you're purplefect. We're both knobs but only one of us is troll. I continue to hope the sun supernovas tomorrow.
posted by Don Pepino at 1:39 PM on November 15, 2007

And the Russian Business Network evil hacker collective have gone into hiding too... coincidence, I think not.

But it's 2012 for sure, Grant Morrison told me.

I saw a documentary about Spetnaz once, it showed them settling down to a plush meal of... well it looked like a block of fat. That's hard.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 1:41 PM on November 15, 2007

Gimem a kiss Don Pepino, but brush your teeth first.
posted by Divine_Wino at 1:43 PM on November 15, 2007

o h , S N A P
posted by porn in the woods at 2:21 PM on November 15, 2007

Don Pepino is posting from a Russian cave, on an XO laptop, eating toast with honey. Lots of honey.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 2:22 PM on November 15, 2007

it showed them settling down to a plush meal of... well it looked like a block of fat. That's hard.

That would have been salo. I was going to say "it's lard, not hard," but as the Wikipedia page points out, "Unlike lard, salo is non-rendered pork fat." (BBC story "Ukraine celebrates 'festival of lard'"; Ukrainian YouTube musical number about salo.)
posted by languagehat at 2:24 PM on November 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

fearfulsymmetry - Is that the same documentary where they broke burning planks of wood over each others groins? Because that was kind of weird.
posted by Artw at 2:31 PM on November 15, 2007

Salo, that would explain it... though they seemed a bit more stoic about their eating of it, not a great deal of singing and dancing and large-breasted women.

Burning planks of wood and groins doesn't come to mind... maybe I've just suppressed the trauma of it.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:38 PM on November 15, 2007

Actually I think I saw it here.
posted by Artw at 2:49 PM on November 15, 2007

In the late nineties a number of Americans bought land in remote parts of New Zealand. I met one family who bought a house next to my uncle in Golden Bay - convinced that civilisation was going to end after December 31 1999.

The surprising thing for me was how normal they were, lovely, well mannered god fearing folk. I got the impression they enjoyed their time in NZ, and when the clock ticked over, and the world remained the same on January 1 2000 (albeit with more hangovers) – they soon moved back to the States, and were not heard from again.

According to my uncle: a number of American families moved into Golden Bay and they made a significant impression on the small local economy. The locals also got great deals on furniture, linens and other household items with the American’s departure
posted by Samuel Farrow at 3:43 PM on November 15, 2007

I am against Divine_Wino's comment too, but only because everybody knows the proper combination is hookers and blow, not hookers and mushrooms.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 5:40 PM on November 15, 2007

satvros, stavros, stavros. Please, you're not allowing for cultural differences.

F'rinstance, 'round here, the traditional toast is, "to whores and opium!"
posted by lekvar at 6:33 PM on November 15, 2007

Why is there forever no room for divergence of opinion on issues? Some Russian screamers at the sky think it's time to go back to living in caves, Divine_Wino thinks the end of the world is a good opportunity for a freebie, stwc thinks hookers like blow better than shrooms and I think it would be good if the solar system were annhilated sometime in the next hour or so. Does one of us have to be "right" and all the rest "wrong?" What a bunch of hidebound leftbrainers. (I guess lekvar is right, if I have to pick.)
posted by Don Pepino at 11:12 AM on November 16, 2007

Sitting in a cave is a better than trying to hasten the apocalypse by stirring up trouble in the Middle East.

Regardless, the increased pressure of the police presences does seem more dangerous than letting them moulder in a cave. Unlike Waco, these are not fugitives, and presumably the parents of the children are there.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 5:01 PM on November 16, 2007

Don Pepino,
I have decided to like you. Just so we are clear, however, my hypothetical defrauding of a hypothetical prostitute was in the instance of my own immanent demise and not in a hypothetical Ragnarök situation. This imaginary prostitute would be free to rifle my personal effects and wallet after I had copped it, I think that is fair game.

Warmest personal regards,
posted by Divine_Wino at 9:16 AM on November 19, 2007

I bet she'd be really happy about that. As I hear it hypothetical prostitites have to put up with this kind of shit all the time, and it's got to make them pretty pissed off.
posted by Artw at 9:29 AM on November 19, 2007

I think her hypothetical pimp is sending you into eternity with his foot up your ass.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 1:16 PM on November 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

Divine_Wino,

Thank you, I have made a similar decision as regards: you.

Furthermore, I am glad to say that I can now offer my free endorsement of your clarified hypotheticals. Hearty good wishes for a happy endtimes!

Yours cordially,
posted by Don Pepino at 2:04 PM on November 19, 2007

Hypothetical trick stompings all round!
posted by Artw at 2:09 PM on November 19, 2007