Comments on: Preparing a turkey the MANLY way

Preparing a turkey the MANLY way

spock — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 07:00:50 -0800

Preparing a turkey the MANLY way. Naturally, one of them involves a lot of bacon.

By: psmealey

psmealey — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 07:10:08 -0800

With a name like "turducken" it has to be good.

By: mkb

mkb — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 07:11:52 -0800

Man, I had no idea that a Turducken looked so nasty on the inside.

By: indiebass

indiebass — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 07:13:12 -0800

I did make a turducken last year and it was 39 kinds of amazing.

By: loquacious

loquacious — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 07:15:24 -0800

Emosturduckeniwinch.

By: notsnot

notsnot — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 07:19:09 -0800

Nice tags.

By: DevilsAdvocate

DevilsAdvocate — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 07:30:43 -0800

AB did an episode on how to safely deep-fry a turkey.

By: psmealey

psmealey — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 07:33:47 -0800

Just for the record, deep fried turkey is one of the best things on the planet. I was utterly astonished at how tasty it was when some friends made it a few years ago.

By: ColdChef

ColdChef — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 07:34:42 -0800

This list is laughable since it doesn't include "Smoked Turkey." I'm SO done with fried turkeys and the abomination that is the Turducken. This year, I'm going to brine me a good sized bird (20 pounds? Where's the fucking army I'm feeding?) and then slow smoke it over hickory chunks for hours and hours. Simple? Yes, but wonderful. You want fancy? That will come in my shrimp, oyster and artichoke mirliton dressing.

By: ColdChef

ColdChef — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 07:37:00 -0800

And someone explain to me why I'd want a fucking turkey that tasted like Heineken. CAN should never supercede SHOULD.

By: psmealey

psmealey — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 07:38:06 -0800

I'm so crashing ColdChef's Thanksgiving dinner.

By: uncleozzy

uncleozzy — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 07:38:07 -0800

I saw the bacon-turkey bit on Chowhound last week (I think), but I gotta say, the turkey in the video looks nothing like the turkey in the picture. The photo-turkey has delicious, crispy, mohagany-colored bacon, while the video-turkey's bacon looks translucent and flaccid. It's probably a matter of lighting, but watching the video somehow turned me off to the idea of bacon-wrapped turkey. And I will put bacon into or onto anything.

By: ColdChef

ColdChef — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 07:40:22 -0800

I'm so crashing ColdChef's Thanksgiving dinner. All are welcome. Bring an appetite.

By: bl1nk

bl1nk — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 07:41:18 -0800

ColdChef -- I'm with you on grill smoking a Turkey. Who needs bacon when you can get a bird with a crispy hickory-scented skin? Though, I should say that, while I've never done a beer-can turkey, I've never found beer-can chicken to really take on too much of the beer's flavor. The bird still tastes fine and juicy, but it's generally a waste of a good lambic or cider. If I were to do it again, I'd probably fill an empty beer can with some kind of strong tea like Lapsang Souchong.

By: Plutor

Plutor — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 07:41:25 -0800

My Boy Scout troop went camping every month. Each patrol (of 5-6 boys) would cook for themselves and end up eating such delicacies as lasagna with dirt in it, peach cobbler with dirt in it, and occasionally beef stew with leaves in it. We looked forward to the January campout, when we'd usually go to St. Francis Girl Scout camp (otherwise abandoned for the winter) and the adults would make food while we did some sort of work project so we didn't have to pay for the campsite. For instance, one year I remember we spent the whole day hauling wood across the frozen lake on a toboggan. We called this campout "The Scoutmaster's Banquet" and it usually featured the best food of the year. Plus we'd eat it inside a 100°F cabin thanks to a roaring fireplace. I mention this because my favorite Boy Scout meal ever was when they cooked a turkey in a garbage can. If you plan to do this at home, it's important to note that they used a metal garbage can. They set out a bed of coals a couple inches thick and as wide as the mouth of the can. In the center, they put a spit sticking perpendicular to the ground, on which was the turkey. The garbage can went upside down over the spit and the coals, and more coals went on top (i.e. the bottom of the can). No Thanksgiving meal will ever be able to beat that Scoutmaster's Banquet.

By: Mikey-San

Mikey-San — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 07:47:18 -0800

Any recipe that does not involve lots of bacon is about as manly as a vagina with tits.

By: ColdChef

ColdChef — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 07:49:38 -0800

My patrol always ate well. I'm just sayin. Scouting was where I learned to cook. Other guys would have fishing kits, I'd have a tacklebox filled with sage, rosemary and Tony's Chachere. We never did garbage can turkey, but I did learn how to boil an egg in a paper cup.

By: zamboni

zamboni — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 07:53:41 -0800

Bah. The turducken is a feeble shadow of The River Cottage Multibird Roast. You need a whole free range turkey (not a monster, 10-12 kilos is about right) and a whole goose (6-7kg). And then a selection of 8-10 smaller birds, all plucked and drawn (ie oven ready). For the stuffing, you need 1 kilo of fatty sausagemeat, 250g streaky bacon, 100g breadcrumbs, fresh sage, brandy, port and red wine. You can also add chestnuts and/or apples.

By: cortex

cortex — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 08:03:41 -0800

I'm sorry, that Channel 5 News video on the dangers of deep fryin' is just too fucking awesome.

By: spock

spock — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 08:05:55 -0800

re: The River Cottage Multibird Roast. You also need some good butcher's string and a darning needle. "Doesn't sound manly enough to me", he said misogynistically.

By: cortex

cortex — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 08:07:31 -0800

Fine. A damning needle.

By: Dr. Wu

Dr. Wu — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 08:11:24 -0800

ColdChef - you got a recipe for that stuffing?

By: Blazecock Pileon

Blazecock Pileon — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 08:14:11 -0800

I cook my turkeys while wearing an plaid apron, with a pinky extended as I delicately squeeze the baster's bulb. Not very manly, but very juicy and delicious. Manly != automatically good.

By: ColdChef

ColdChef — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 08:19:10 -0800

ColdChef - you got a recipe for that stuffing? Yes. Yes, I do.

By: Plutor

Plutor — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 08:20:42 -0800

ColdChef: "My patrol always ate well. I'm just sayin. Scouting was where I learned to cook. Other guys would have fishing kits, I'd have a tacklebox filled with sage, rosemary and Tony's Chachere." The bit about dirt and leaves was exaggerrated. A little. Frequently, we ate well and we loved what we made. Boy Scouts is timed very well: when I started as a 12-year-old, I was still malleable, but I'd never even considered cooking for myself, let alone made a balanced menu or grocery shopped alone. I boiled an egg in a paper cup once, during my OA Ordeal. Nevar again! Turkey. Manliness. On-topic.

By: god hates math

god hates math — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 08:23:51 -0800

And someone explain to me why I'd want a fucking turkey that tasted like Heineken. Clearly you wouldn't. But I would do just about anything for a turkey that tasted like Tupper's Hop Pocket. But yeah, the beer doesn't add to the taste, really. I made some beer-can chicken with Iron City, and it tasted fantastic. Though not as good as your smoked-turkey is going to be, I'm sure.

By: ColdChef

ColdChef — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 08:26:27 -0800

I boiled an egg in a paper cup once, during my OA Ordeal. Shhhhhhhhhhhh...

By: jacquilynne

jacquilynne — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 08:28:11 -0800

I'm sort of amused that CHOW's bacon wrapped turkey has been declared manly. Manly is not a word I'd used to describe Kate and Aida, who developed that recipe.

By: lodurr

lodurr — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 08:33:52 -0800

I'm doing a bird this weekend (going elswhere for the big T). Bacon might be the way to go. It will definitely involve a lot of acorn squash, whole garlic cloves, and onion, apple and pear chunks.

By: entropicamericana

entropicamericana — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 08:34:14 -0800

Just use Alton Brown's turkey derrick[PDF, 1.7 megs].

By: MtDewd

MtDewd — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 08:40:41 -0800

re: The River Cottage Multibird Roast. Please DO NOT use ... well-hung game birds "Doesn't sound manly enough to me"

By: darksasami

darksasami — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 08:44:46 -0800

From zamboni's link: NOTE: Please DO NOT use very high or well-hung game birds, as they will contaminate the subtle flavours of the other birds. I am ambivalent about the manliness of this instruction.

By: darksasami

darksasami — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 08:45:05 -0800

D'oh!

By: doctorschlock

doctorschlock — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 08:49:23 -0800

One day of snow in the Washington,D.C. area and the whole city panics. Two days of snow in D.C. and it's cannibal time. My neighbors all look like meat to me. Bon Appetite Turkies!

By: lodurr

lodurr — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 08:49:54 -0800

Dude, they're, like, so much tastier when they're high. Dude. Dude.

By: flotson

flotson — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 08:50:24 -0800

It'd be even awesomer wrapped in an authentic parisian crepe.

By: doctorschlock

doctorschlock — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 08:50:36 -0800

I made a Bacon Turkey 5 years ago and now I take Lipitor every night.

By: chimaera

chimaera — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 08:51:40 -0800

Yes, but will it blend?

By: Mblue

Mblue — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 08:56:28 -0800

Bah! Use olive oil and stuff it,

By: Mblue

Mblue — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 08:57:16 -0800

cranberry.

By: ogre

ogre — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 08:57:45 -0800

brine + smoke + butter - stuffing = a turkey they still talk about with a far-away-look in their eyes.

By: uncleozzy

uncleozzy — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 08:58:34 -0800

Use olive oil and stuff it It'd be safer with a water-based lube; I think olive oil dissolves latex.

By: spock

spock — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 09:04:27 -0800

Keep the olive oil. Lose the latex. This thread has clearly escaped containment

By: Dr. Wu

Dr. Wu — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 09:06:16 -0800

ColdChef - you got a recipe for that stuffing? Yes. Yes, I do. posted by ColdChef at 11:19 AM on November 16 Ya wiseguy. You gonna share it, or is it, like, a state secret or something? I'll trade you a recipe. You like Brussels sprouts? (I serve those at Thanksgiving.) I have a great recipe for 'em.

By: Surfurrus

Surfurrus — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 09:07:42 -0800

Manly?? None of these 'recipes' involve digging trenches, hauling rocks and banana trees, explosive lighting effects, loading in tons of wrapped food, and then hanging out all night to watch and 'talk story' ... the Hawaiians know manly. It's not hard to find a neighborhood imu for your turkey. Jump in and kokua -- help with the work. Don't forget the spam.

By: Mblue

Mblue — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 09:08:30 -0800

You like Brussels sprouts? Possibly.

By: GuyZero

GuyZero — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 09:10:30 -0800

Wow, I can hardly wait to try all these recipes when Thanksgiving comes around again.

By: cazoo

cazoo — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 09:10:37 -0800

I'm going to make a Turducken, but I'm going to stick a quail inside the chicken. Turduckenail! And then I'm going to cover it in bacon and deep fry the whole thing.

By: ColdChef

ColdChef — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 09:12:32 -0800

You gonna share it, or is it, like, a state secret or something? Ummm...check your MeFi Mail. I sent it to you half an hour ago.

By: god hates math

god hates math — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 09:14:46 -0800

Turduckenailary! Turduckenailudgie! Too far? Those small birds are just too cute to eat.

By: sourwookie

sourwookie — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 09:15:52 -0800

Plutor: Ut up-shay on the O-ay A-ay!

By: StickyCarpet

StickyCarpet — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 09:23:07 -0800

I'm hoping to one day deep fry a turkey in goose fat. I'm saving up the fat in my freezer. Goose fat is magical.

By: doctorschlock

doctorschlock — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 09:23:15 -0800

Jive Turkey!

By: XQUZYPHYR

XQUZYPHYR — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 09:25:55 -0800

I just e-mailed my family right now and asked if we can try putting bacon on the turkey this year. I'm refreshing my inbox every three minutes or so.

By: doctorschlock

doctorschlock — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 09:27:59 -0800

For all us Turkites. We all agree that the best part of the turkey is that leftover turkey sandwich with all the fixins.

By: Dr. Wu

Dr. Wu — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 09:35:23 -0800

Ooh! My first MeFi mail! Thanks!

By: VicNebulous

VicNebulous — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 09:37:09 -0800

That bacon turkey looks like Dali cooked it.

By: AccidentalHedonist

AccidentalHedonist — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 10:01:30 -0800

There are three types of recipes/food items bound to get the attention of the media, and in turn get regular folks talking about them:

Item x wrapped in bacon, where x = hamburger, turkey, or other similar item.
Item y that has been deep fried, where y = some item you wouldn't expect to be deep fried, or demonstrates the gluttony of America, or both. Deep fried coke , deep fried cheeseburgers, and deep fried snickers come to mind.
An expensive version of Item z. Examples include the $100 hamburger, the $1000 martini, or $25000 ice cream sundae.

This isn't a criticism on my part, simply an observation.

By: ook

ook — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 10:12:25 -0800

Is it just me, or does that bacon-wrapped turkey look like it's ready to curse you and your descendants for unsealing its ancient tomb?

By: doctorschlock

doctorschlock — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 10:14:29 -0800

That bacon-wrapped turkey is cursed only if you eat it cold. Thousands of years ago.........

By: quin

quin — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 10:21:42 -0800

Wrapping in bacon does not = manly. Cooking with napalm = manly.

By: billyfleetwood

billyfleetwood — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 10:29:38 -0800

A coupla T-day's ago, my roommate, who happens to be a cook, made our turkeys at work. One bacon wrapped, and one spicy blackened Turkey. Deeee-licious on both counts. The highlight of that dinner, however was watching through the window while we ate dinner, as our neighbors attempted to deep-fry a bird. Not only did they obviously not know what they were doing, but once they got the turkey in, it started to rain. So they cover the entire contraption with an umbrella. In the spirit of the holiday, and neighborly good cheer, we immediately begin betting on how long it would take the umbrella to catch on fire. It burned before I could finish my mashed potatoes.

By: Item

Item — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 10:44:17 -0800

An expensive version of Item z. Examples include the $100 hamburger, the $1000 martini, or $25000 ice cream sundae. I didn't think I'd be commenting in this thread, as I've been vegetarian for a heaping helping of my life, but "Item Z. Examples" is now my new full name. Also, we cooked a Tofurkey earlier this week and it was delicious. Suck it, haters. waits for hee-larious joke about bacon-wrapped Tofurkey in 3...2...1...

By: Item

Item — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 10:44:48 -0800

By: Item

Item — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 10:45:33 -0800

Woah. I did not hit post twice.

By: Plutor

Plutor — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 10:47:57 -0800

You wouldn't have done that if the post button was tofurkey!

By: lodurr

lodurr — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 10:51:11 -0800

Woah. I did not hit post twice. Yes, there's a way you can do it without seeming to hit the post button twice. I know. I did it. Naturally I didn't test it all to hell, but basically you just have to stutter with your finger a little bit, as I recall.

By: space2k

space2k — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 10:52:24 -0800

I like turkey the old-fashioned way. Stop fucking with it.

By: Item

Item — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 11:00:38 -0800

but basically you just have to stutter with your finger a little bit, as I recall. Fuck it all. Could someone send me a recipe for a deep-fried-bacon-wrapped-Tofurkey? It's time I learn how to eat like a man.

By: Dr. Wu

Dr. Wu — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 11:43:36 -0800

For ColdChef and all Brussels sprouts lovers: ingredients: - B-sprouts - shallots - butter - parsley - salt - pepper 1. figure out how shallot-y you want your sprouts, and chop as many shallots as you like. I use about 2-3 shallots per pound or so of sprouts. 2. cut the ends off the sprouts, and notch each stem end with an X about a half-inch deep (helps 'em cook more evenly). Alternatively, you could halve them. 3. steam the sprouts until they're nice and richly green. DO NOT OVERCOOK. They should be fork-tender. 4. While the sprouts are steaming, melt the butter and sauté the shallots once the pan is hot enough. 5. Take a whole mess of parsley and chop it pretty roughly. 6. Toss steamed sprouts with the buttery shallots, chopped parsley, and salt and pepper to taste. 7. Consume! So good.

By: lodurr

lodurr — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 12:03:08 -0800

Alas, wonderful as it sounds, I live in a non-shallot household. I'd have to eat the whole damn dish of cabbage-ite and onion-oid myself. (I'm just not that anti-social in real life.)

By: uncleozzy

uncleozzy — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 12:09:27 -0800

- butter If by "butter" you mean "bacon drippings," then sure.

By: Lentrohamsanin

Lentrohamsanin — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 12:17:17 -0800

Alas, wonderful as it sounds, I live in a non-shallot household. Someone who would eat sprouts but not shallots needs an MRI badly.

By: cortex

cortex — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 12:21:51 -0800

Dr. Wu, have you got a variation on that that doesn't require brussels sprouts? Other than that, it sounds faboo.

By: Dr. Wu

Dr. Wu — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 12:27:04 -0800

Actually, yeah, you could use any of the veggies related to the humble sprout: kale, broccoli, cabbage, cauliflower (not a favorite of mine, but still) and so forth. I used kale once in this recipe, and it was damn good. But I urge you to give the B-sprout another chance! Those suckers are delicious, if cooked right.

By: uncleozzy

uncleozzy — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 12:31:45 -0800

Those suckers are delicious, if cooked ~~right~~in bacon fat.

By: cortex

cortex — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 12:32:05 -0800

Actually, yeah Hopes raised. kale, broccoli, cabbage, cauliflower Hopes dashed.

By: jacquilynne

jacquilynne — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 12:41:41 -0800

I think it was in Cook's Illustrated that I saw that great recipe for brussel sprouts cooked in bacon fat...

By: uncleozzy

uncleozzy — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 12:54:32 -0800

Shh, I don't want anyone to know that I'm posting this comment "from Vermont."

By: Evangeline

Evangeline — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 13:07:03 -0800

I'm only a simple country girl, but I defy anyone to find something turkey-related and manlier than this.

By: ryoshu

ryoshu — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 13:08:10 -0800

I think it was in Cook's Illustrated that I saw that great recipe for cardboard cooked in bacon fat... Goose or duck fat works too.

By: kirkaracha

kirkaracha — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 14:42:57 -0800

Turducken would be even more manly if you shot the various birds into each other with cannons.

By: elmono

elmono — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 14:50:22 -0800

This is a manly recipe for turkey.

By: mitzyjalapeno

mitzyjalapeno — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 17:01:10 -0800

ColdChef - you got a recipe for that stuffing? Yes. Yes, I do. Ummm...check your MeFi Mail. I sent it to you half an hour ago. Willing to share once more? I'm sure you know way more than I do when it comes to savory stuff, but I've got some pretty good dessert recipes I could throw your way...

By: ColdChef

ColdChef — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 20:42:43 -0800

This is basically it, except that I use real butter, a different type of bread crumb, and I rarely use bay leaves. Also, I make twice as much as this. Also, drain the oysters (but save a bit of the juice and mix it back in when you're adding the boiling juice). Also, if you can get it, Tony's Chachere's spices are amazing. Oh, and I use canned artichokes, but there's no reason to retain that liquid. It doesn't add much flavor.

By: Devils Slide

Devils Slide — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 22:27:33 -0800

The manliest way to "do" a turkey is that thing jessamyn posted quite a while ago. You know what I mean. And if you don't, you're probably better off that way.

By: heeeraldo

heeeraldo — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 22:45:43 -0800

cortex: the method looks fairly adaptable; I suspect root veggies would turn out well, or even fish. I bet you could even saute the shallots, add the vegetables, maybe add some liquid and then lay your protein on top to steam; time it right and they all finish at once and you have a delicious (presumably nutritious) meal. Time for some delicious experimenting...

By: MaryDellamorte

MaryDellamorte — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 22:47:10 -0800

Though, I should say that, while I've never done a beer-can turkey, I've never found beer-can chicken to really take on too much of the beer's flavor. The bird still tastes fine and juicy, but it's generally a waste of a good lambic or cider. Lambics don't come in cans though.

By: Mitheral

Mitheral — Sat, 17 Nov 2007 01:05:50 -0800

bl1nk writes "The bird still tastes fine and juicy, but it's generally a waste of a good lambic or cider. If I were to do it again, I'd probably fill an empty beer can with some kind of strong tea like Lapsang Souchong." Never having a can of beer handy we use 7-Up or it's generic equivilent. Works just fine. quin writes "Cooking with napalm = manly." Cooking with thermite - Manly or not? I've heard of crews welding up continuous rail using the waste heat to heat coffee.

By: theora55

theora55 — Sat, 17 Nov 2007 07:47:54 -0800

Billyfleetwood, if you have pictures, you have to share them, and you really should have gotten pictures.

By: milestogo

milestogo — Sat, 17 Nov 2007 22:31:20 -0800

last year, inspired by turducken, we made turkenami: turkey, chicken, salami

By: ColdChef

ColdChef — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 09:02:54 -0800

FWIW: my smoked turkey was a beautiful success.