Honey, I swear--it's tuna fish!

November 16, 2007 10:06 PM

Attention most ladies and certain gentlemen: Do you think your man has been cheating on you? Well, there are several ways to check up on him. But budding rap star Riskay has her own special method (warning: pretty much NSFW, and autoplay of a really wonderful song in the last link).
posted by Kibbutz (35 comments total)

This is assuming he's too stupid to take a shower after banging another chick. But a lovely ditty nonetheless.
posted by fenriq at 10:17 PM on November 16, 2007

Smells like a nine-volt battery.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 10:20 PM on November 16, 2007 [5 favorites]

This young man took her advice and was quite suprised by his findings!
posted by maryh at 10:20 PM on November 16, 2007

What if he smells of orangutan?
posted by Tube at 10:22 PM on November 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 10:25 PM on November 16, 2007

Then it's a sport.
posted by dhammond at 10:32 PM on November 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

Uh, fenriq, that's the point... if he smells TOO clean, you know he took a shower, and why would he take a shower unless he's been sticking his dick in some other pussy? So, when he gets home, he shouldn't smell clean or like pussy, but rather like the funky smell of a man who ain't washed his dick all day and ain't had it in no pussy...
posted by PigAlien at 10:38 PM on November 16, 2007 [4 favorites]

What if he smells of orangutan?

Monkeying around is riskay bizness.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:39 PM on November 16, 2007 [2 favorites]

Can't wait for the gay clubs to remix this.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:41 PM on November 16, 2007

Hmm, I think I'll have to change my strategy. I couldn't listen to loudly as my boys are sleeping in the next room.

I'd probably make a bad cheater.
posted by fenriq at 10:41 PM on November 16, 2007

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

Then it's a sport.

No, then it's hilarious.
posted by inconsequentialist at 10:41 PM on November 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

t's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

Then it's a sport.

No, then it's hilarious.

No, then it's a fetish.
posted by Ufez Jones at 10:46 PM on November 16, 2007 [5 favorites]

Just when in tarnation did the chastity belt become "uncool"? Back in my day no one locked their front doors, no sir, seeing as how we all had our genitalia locked up tight.
posted by stavrogin at 11:29 PM on November 16, 2007

Proust was a neuroscientist, yo.
posted by freshwater_pr0n at 11:35 PM on November 16, 2007

I tell you, (and rather personally I suppose) that the last thing my wife would want to do is smell my dick.
posted by mattoxic at 11:55 PM on November 16, 2007

To avoid needless confrontation, be sure to conceal this move within an apparently spontaneous blow job. Rest assured that any man who turns your offer down does so because he's just had one elsewhere.

Great song.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:10 AM on November 17, 2007

Well, there goes my best pick up line. Thanks a lot, Riskay.
posted by louche mustachio at 1:16 AM on November 17, 2007

But seriously, someone remix this with some Alexyss K Tylor, now, please.
posted by louche mustachio at 1:19 AM on November 17, 2007

Investigating cheating & marital infidelity is one of the most important services a private investigator can render.

I won't pay, I won't pay ya, no way
(now now) Why don't you get a job
Say no way, say no way ya, no way
(now now) Why don't you get a job

posted by elpapacito at 1:21 AM on November 17, 2007

Why pay a private investigator to smell his dick for you?
posted by louche mustachio at 1:33 AM on November 17, 2007

elpapacito writes 'Investigating cheating & marital infidelity is one of the most important services a private investigator can render.

'I won't pay, I won't pay ya, no way
'(now now) Why don't you get a job
'Say no way, say no way ya, no way
'(now now) Why don't you get a job

Bill collectors at my door -- what can you do for me?
No romance -- without finance, No romance -- without finance
Boy, nothin' in life is free,
That's why I'm asking you, what can you do for me?
I've got responsibilities,
So I'm looking for a man, who's got some money in his hand.

And she don't mean no street corner slanger, either:

Ain't nothin' goin' on but the rent,
You've gotta have a J-O-B, if you wanna be with me..
posted by PeterMcDermott at 3:12 AM on November 17, 2007

Damn, I was gutted when my partner of 6 years finally got home at 6 in the morning and immediately jumped in the shower. We broke up soon after. She never came clean, but not only was it ridiculously fucking obvious, but she'd also done the same thing to her previous long term boyfriend, so I really should have seen it coming, and given her fine ass a wide berth.

Didn't think much of the song, voice is too nasa for my tastel, and beats are rubbish.
posted by The Monkey at 3:29 AM on November 17, 2007

she'd also done the same thing to her previous long term boyfriend

With you?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 5:03 AM on November 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

That's why I pack my goodies in coffee grounds each and every day.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 5:30 AM on November 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

You've gotta have a J-O-B, if you wanna be with me..

All'a your kisses are sweeter than honey,
But guess what -- so's my money.

(Aretha said it best)
posted by Devils Rancher at 5:53 AM on November 17, 2007

NSFW! Someone's thought of a loophole.
posted by a robot made out of meat at 6:01 AM on November 17, 2007

(Aretha said it best)

Smokey FTW!

Some fellas look at the eyes
Some fellas look at the nose
Some fellas look at the size
Some fellas look at the clothes
I don't care if her eyes are red
I don't care if her nose is long
I don't care if she's underfed
I don't care if her clothes are worn
First I look at the purse!
posted by PeterMcDermott at 6:47 AM on November 17, 2007

"A song a girl took away from me."

-- Otis
posted by breezeway at 7:17 AM on November 17, 2007

I would think that if the last thing she does before sending you home is give you a little head you will be OK.
posted by notreally at 7:38 AM on November 17, 2007

With you?

No, not me. I wasn't on the scene at that stage. She was palsy with me for a while before I made my move, and pretty unguarded with details from her past as I guess she was only thinking about ever being friends.
posted by The Monkey at 7:41 AM on November 17, 2007

I really hope this trend doesn't take off, as my cock naturally smells of pussy all the time. It's the weirdest thing, and I can't help it, and frankly I don't think my marital fidelities should be called into question due my genetic abnormalities.
posted by jonson at 8:46 AM on November 17, 2007

Flea shampoo, wtf?
posted by Wolfdog at 9:44 AM on November 17, 2007

No, not me. I wasn't on the scene at that stage.

Not being judgemental here, TM. I don't see it as poetic justice or anything. I'm just curious about men who hook up longer term with women that they know have cheated to be with them.

I've been in a similar situation, where I started dating a woman who's husband was actually in jail at the time. I didn't feel guilty about it, because he was a bit of a bastard who used emotional blackmail and attacks on her self esteem to keep her, though she'd been trying to get out for ages. Nevertheless, I never *really* trusted her not to fuck me over, and as a consequence, the relationship probably ended because I wasn't as committed as I should have been.

my cock naturally smells of pussy all the time.

Mine naturally smells of ass. Whenever people complain, I just tell them that the two things have a natural affinity.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 10:57 AM on November 17, 2007

Wow this is getting pretty saucy for Metafilter.
posted by PostIronyIsNotaMyth at 1:06 PM on November 17, 2007

dont forget husbandtrace.org!!!!!!

Disclaimer: Do not go to husbandtrace.org.
posted by C17H19NO3 at 6:40 AM on November 18, 2007