Is Denial A Social Necessity?

November 24, 2007 12:53 AM

Does Denial Make The World Go 'Round? "In the modern vernacular, to say someone is 'in denial' is to deliver a savage combination punch: one shot to the belly for the cheating or drinking or bad behavior, and another slap to the head for the cowardly self-deception of pretending it's not a problem. Yet recent studies from fields as diverse as psychology and anthropology suggest that the ability to look the other way, while potentially destructive, is also critically important to forming and nourishing close relationships. The psychological tricks that people use to ignore a festering problem in their own households are the same ones that they need to live with everyday human dishonesty and betrayal, their own and others'. And it is these highly evolved abilities, research suggests, that provide the foundation for that most disarming of all human invitations, forgiveness."
posted by amyms (12 comments total)

Nah, I can stop Denying any time.

Sorry - this is actually pretty interesting. It's always seemed to me that denial and outright dishonesty have a much greater role than we give them credit for in making Society, Art, and enjoyable lives.

Something which has also interested me: the emphasis from the Beat and 60s generation on being "genuine" and "not fake". They certainly cranked out their fair share of good art and societal "improvements". Does this a) contradict the idea above, b) suggest they didn't create as much as I give them credit for, c) suggest their insistence on "honesty" was the greatest denial of all, or d) a/n.o.t.a.?
posted by freebird at 1:25 AM on November 24, 2007

There is nothing you need feel ashamed of, and I love you all unconditionally.
posted by Meatbomb at 1:25 AM on November 24, 2007

This typically involves a blend of denial and touch-up work — seeing jealousy as passion, for instance, or stubbornness as a strong sense of right and wrong. But the studies have found that partners who idealize each other in this way are more likely to stay together and to report being satisfied in the relationship than those who do not.

So true. Its when I stopped doing this (and my ex shortly thereafter) that my previous relationship started going downhill.

I'm curious what kind of factors really cause this deception to turn off and the realistic brain (or conscience depending on the situation) turn on. Severity? Length of time? They discuss it a little but I think thats definitely an area for further research.
posted by Defenestrator at 1:59 AM on November 24, 2007 [1 favorite]

Really interesting post but partly because I think the article is quite problematic. It seems to stretch the concept of "denial" very far away from the one in which, say, someone who has been severely traumatized and/or abused declines to accept that the events took place, as a coping mechanism. Deciding your partner "strayed" rather than "cheated" or is "passionate" rather than "jealous" is really just an optimistic explanatory style, reframing from one subjective interpretation to another. Nobody is objectively passionate or jealous, so it doesn't really seem like it's denial to choose one of these over the other.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 2:53 AM on November 24, 2007

This is fascinating. I've always took comfort believing everyone is in denial about something in their life. It's their business, their grief, their consequences for it as well. Is it possible to be 100% truthful and not in denial over anything? That seems like some kind of zen shit I have no access of.
posted by greenskpr at 3:02 AM on November 24, 2007

As in all things, use with moderation.

Your boss just squashed your ego and didn't even realize that he did it. Your denial allows you to finish the day and come in the next day to see a different mood and smile on his face.

Three million jews have been murdered by some lunatic with a silly mustache. Your denial allows him to murder three million more.
posted by caddis at 5:25 AM on November 24, 2007

Metafilter: some kind of zen shit I have no access of.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:49 AM on November 24, 2007

This reminds me of the bit in "The Big Chill" regarding the relative importance of sex and rationalizations.
posted by hwestiii at 7:58 AM on November 24, 2007

I've heard it said (no stats, sorry) that once a couple goes to marriage therapy, it is usually too late. Apparently the honesty one is encouraged to utilize in the presence of a therapist is more brutal than it is healing.

Denial, in the sense of overlooking or reframing one's partner's shortcomings, definitely keeps a lot of marriages together, and I'm sure the same can be said of other social, political and economic contracts as well.

Of course, this is nothing Miss Manners has not said many times in different words.
posted by kozad at 10:06 AM on November 24, 2007

"So true. Its when I stopped doing this (and my ex shortly thereafter) that my previous relationship started going downhill."

That's also the first thing I thought when I read that article. After years of denial about my relationship with my family, and it's truly detrimental effect on my life - I embarked on a conscious effort to combat the denial that was making it possible by being as truthful to myself as possible. The end result was that I succeeded in extricating myself from a very nasty co-dependent cycle with my family and, as a nasty by-product, destroying my marriage. Honesty is wonderful in small doses, but can be incredibly destructive to our social ties and overall happiness.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 12:22 PM on November 24, 2007

Oooh ooh - a favorite story about someone (I can't remember whom but whose name you'd recognize) finishing a lecture in which he's suggested that total honesty might not always be required. He's accosted by a nice old lady who's shocked - shocked! - that'd he'd suggest social intercourse might sometimes be better with a little dishonesty. To which he turns, pouring buckets of British archness, and says "ma'm, that's a lovely sweater."
posted by freebird at 10:36 PM on November 24, 2007

But the studies have found that partners who idealize each other in this way are more likely to stay together and to report being satisfied in the relationship than those who do not.

So true. Its when I stopped doing this (and my ex shortly thereafter) that my previous relationship started going downhill.

Been there. Don't know what the trigger is, but when this happens, there's no going back. I take the game warden's point, though, about this being more about self-deception than denial per se.
posted by dreamsign at 10:44 PM on November 24, 2007