Little Miss Muffet sat on her crumpet

December 13, 2007 12:59 PM

It's official: British women are unkempt and lazy about grooming.
posted by plexi (48 comments total)

Well thats that then. Off you go.
posted by uni verse at 1:03 PM on December 13, 2007

This will mefi user of your choice.
posted by Dr-Baa at 1:05 PM on December 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

Yes, I got to use thew new flag!
posted by Justinian at 1:06 PM on December 13, 2007

Well, I still find british women more attractive than american giraffes.
posted by Citizen Premier at 1:07 PM on December 13, 2007

An informal poll of my US female friends revealed that they spend roughly $700 (£350) a month on what they consider standard obligatory beauty maintenance.

Uh, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that this is not normal for most American women.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 1:09 PM on December 13, 2007 [3 favorites]

Who leaves England for Philly?

Aside from the founding fathers, I mean.
posted by cowbellemoo at 1:10 PM on December 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

Take a look at British men.

Who's gonna bother to pretty up for THAT?

I figure if we're gonna be sexist, let's have it cut both ways.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 1:11 PM on December 13, 2007 [6 favorites]

Excellent! He's taken the tried-and-true "black people are like this / white people are like this" formula and applied to two groups that he's not only not a part of, he also apparently despises and has almost no familiarity with!

It's a towering, complicated pinnacle of bullshit!
posted by gurple at 1:13 PM on December 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

It's official: I don't care.
posted by Pendragon at 1:14 PM on December 13, 2007

Uh, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that this is not normal for most American women.

From the article:

The author is a screenwriter (single) who divides his time between London and Los Angeles

So, yeah, his US Female friends are highly unlikely to be typical of American women.
posted by dersins at 1:14 PM on December 13, 2007

I can't believe he has the nerve to say "I’m not saying that I’m the greatest prize out there, but at least I’d put on a clean shirt, shaved and brushed my teeth".

I'm salivating over here. He sounds like such a dreamboat. A clean shirt!! Who could ask for more.
posted by iconomy at 1:15 PM on December 13, 2007 [3 favorites]

“What the hell happened to all the beautiful girls I knew?” My first assumption was that one half of them had eaten the other half and washed them down with a crate of lager.

Priceless.
posted by dibblda at 1:16 PM on December 13, 2007

So the cheeky brits have too much cheek?
posted by rouftop at 1:16 PM on December 13, 2007

700/month on beauty products + 1000 on physical = 1700/month * 12 = 20000 after tax dollars.

Um, I make 6 figures and thats what I spend on rent. Who are these women?
posted by gagglezoomer at 1:16 PM on December 13, 2007

Wait.. I am unkempt and lazy about grooming... does that mean...?
posted by sambosambo at 1:20 PM on December 13, 2007

Yeah... That's completly ridiculous. For one thing, and this is beside all the other totally obvious problems with his piece, he doesn't consider regional differences in the U.S. There is a huge cultural variation on how much time women invest in their appearance in different locations. Women in L.A. are going to look hotter then, I dunno, Huston.
posted by delmoi at 1:24 PM on December 13, 2007

Ted Safran: Filmography

Writer:

1. Doogal (2006) (screenplay)
2. The Long Weekend (2005) (written by)
3. The Magic Roundabout (2005) (additional material)
   ... aka Doogal (USA)
   ... aka Pollux - Le manège enchanté (France)
   ... aka Sprung! The Magic Roundabout (USA)
   ... aka The Magic Roundabout (UK)

'Nuff said.
posted by designbot at 1:25 PM on December 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

Oh, how surprising, a single male screenwriter who is bitter and angry that the impossibly hot actresses he meets at industry mixers won't fuck him.
posted by thehmsbeagle at 1:25 PM on December 13, 2007 [3 favorites]

how is this guy single?? I don't get it. really.
posted by nihlton at 1:26 PM on December 13, 2007 [3 favorites]

Priceless.

dibblda, I came in here to say exactly that. Now I'm off to go do some sit-ups.
posted by hermitosis at 1:26 PM on December 13, 2007

I just noticed the header. Am I supposed to think that Paris Hilton is more attractive than whoever the girl on the left is? Or is this some kind of hilarious joke I'd have to be British to get?
posted by thehmsbeagle at 1:27 PM on December 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

I don't why he didn't simply decide to title this "I have decided to see if I can write something that guarantees I will never again have sex with an English woman."
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:28 PM on December 13, 2007

Women in L.A. are going to look hotter then, I dunno, Huston.

I don't know, I think she looks pretty good for a 56-year-old.
posted by designbot at 1:29 PM on December 13, 2007

The best part about having sex with a british woman is that they talk to you in british
posted by gagglezoomer at 1:32 PM on December 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

Er, Doogal was supposed to link here. And it's Tad, not Ted.
posted by designbot at 1:32 PM on December 13, 2007

It's offical: Hack needs to raise some hackles to get his name out there.
posted by shmegegge at 1:33 PM on December 13, 2007

Also, shouldn't he be on strike or something?
posted by shmegegge at 1:34 PM on December 13, 2007

And their teeth. And those stupid pearly jackets and bearskin hats. I mean really.
posted by WPW at 1:36 PM on December 13, 2007

After choking at the thought of spending $700 on "beauty maintenance," I'm not sure what made me laugh more, that he rejected the British hottie because he didn't appreciate the texture of her palms, or his charming backhanded? compliments? about how grasping American women at least grasp toward shallowness well.

Also, I concur with thehmsbeagle.
posted by desuetude at 1:40 PM on December 13, 2007

holy crap. That really read like a parody.

—The author is a screenwriter (single)

I wonder if he spends $700 a month on keeping up for the ladies. Maybe if he did he would have a chance with them?

It really is amazing how much a lot of American women do spend on make up, beauty, fashion, but I truly hope there's no one out there who would read this and be proud to be American or embarrassed to be English...
(somewhat relevant discussion)
posted by mdn at 1:41 PM on December 13, 2007

"I don’t want you to think, though, that I believe American women have nothing to learn from British women. The irony is that, as obsessed as American women are with their looks, they totally ignore their social skills. Within 10 minutes of meeting an American woman, I guarantee you will know her salary and most recent medical/ dental procedure. They all but turn up with their CV printed out. In return, they will immediately want to know 'all' about you, ie, how much you earn, how much you have earned in the past, what your future earning potential is, whether you own property, whether you have an investment portfolio, where you shop, where you 'vacation', what you drive and how large your parents’ house is. I once got to the end of a date in New York, pulled out my credit card to pay and the girl solemnly remarked: 'A green American Express card? I didn’t know they still made them in that colour.'

American women also take themselves too seriously and are annoyingly confrontational. The good news for men, by the way, is they are convinced that the best way to prove they are equal to a man is by sleeping with him. Um...Go ahead, that’ll teach me. And they won’t even ruin your night’s sleep by staying over as their personal trainer is coming to their place at 6.30 the next morning."

I think he's hanging out with a very small sample of American women. Oh and, by the way, buddy, generalize much? What an arse!
posted by ericb at 1:42 PM on December 13, 2007

Nobody’s perfect. Certainly not the men who get to take out these women. British women are, without a doubt, the best to have a pint and a laugh with. They are the most self-reliant, uncomplicated and unflap-pable. That they are neither obsessed with their looks, nor insecurely competitive, are wonderful qualities. And their self-depreca-tion is incredibly endearing. But when it comes to making the all-important first impression, do you really want it to be, “I’ll bet she was really hot ten years ago”?

Polite version:
He just described a beautiful woman. Hot and beautiful are not synonyms. They are also not mutually inclusive nor exclusive.

Less polite version:
Another vapid metrosexual yank twat who I would gladly and abruptly introduce to the business end of his fucking fruitini glass.
posted by slimepuppy at 1:43 PM on December 13, 2007

holy crap. That really read like a parody.

For the author's sake, I sure hope it's parody and that it slipped by my "humor" meter. If it's real, then, well, um ... wow.
posted by ericb at 1:44 PM on December 13, 2007

That article made me sick to my stomach. What a disgusting ass.
posted by miss tea at 1:45 PM on December 13, 2007

Is this guy's name really Tad? Oh, please.
posted by cmaddie at 1:46 PM on December 13, 2007

Wow, what an overgeneralizing twit.
posted by cmgonzalez at 1:46 PM on December 13, 2007

I think I read this in the Onion last week.
posted by shakespeherian at 1:46 PM on December 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

poor writing, poor editing. ("confronta-tional")

what a shithead.
posted by exlotuseater at 1:46 PM on December 13, 2007

So British women like to laugh, will have a drink with you, are self-reliant, and play fewer head games than their US counterparts?

Sign me up.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 1:47 PM on December 13, 2007

I, of course, will choose ACTIVISM! as my response to this display of bigotry. Since I'm American and female, this means skipping today's shower and using my blouse as a napkin in the KFC drive-thru.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 1:49 PM on December 13, 2007

'If there's one thing wrong with UK women, it's that they behave like they aren't objects! On the other hand, at least they don't talk about boring shit like their lives.'
posted by shakespeherian at 1:50 PM on December 13, 2007

I think it's a subtle parody, that he's actually poking fun at neurotic American appearance obsession. But I wouldn't bet $700 on it.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 1:50 PM on December 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

An informal poll of my US female friends revealed that they spend roughly $700 (£350) a month on what they consider standard obligatory beauty maintenance. That covers haircut, highlights, manicure, pedicure, waxing, tanning, make-up, facials, teeth whitening etc. They will spend a further $1,000 (£500) a month on physical conditioning such as military fitness, spinning sessions, vikram yoga, Pilates, deep-tissue sports massage, personal training etc. On top of that, add the occasional spa day, a week-long “bikini boot camp” in Mexico at the start of every summer and seasonal splurges on personal shoppers and clothing.

Really? $1700 a month on beauty products and fitness? Who has that kind of money? And how can I tap into that market?
posted by krinklyfig at 1:50 PM on December 13, 2007

I don't care about this guy being a sexist -- I mean, what an asshole, right? But I wouldn't think the Times would print it. I thought they were a good paper. Am I wrong?
posted by Bookhouse at 1:52 PM on December 13, 2007 [1 favorite]

It's official.

Where by "official", we mean "some wanker with a fucking stupid name(*) says so".

* Well, I assume it's his name. "Tad Safran" could be a mis-spelled confession that he's spent too much time on a sunbed.
posted by genghis at 1:53 PM on December 13, 2007

I'm with you, Ambrosia Voyeur. Unfortunately, I have already showered. I guess this means I will have to use the grease drippings from my Big Mac for a facial.

Her outfit was about as sexy as a half-pound of ground meat.

Hey, there's an idea... I was wondering what to wear, now that's solved!
posted by grapefruitmoon at 1:54 PM on December 13, 2007

Sophie tumbled into the house looking like a refugee from Hurricane Katrina. She smelt like the R&D lab at Philip Morris. Her outfit was about as sexy as a half-pound of ground meat. And, surely, the only time she’d seen the inside of a gym was to ask directions to the nearest pub.

God, what an insufferable prick.
posted by porn in the woods at 1:54 PM on December 13, 2007

Shit Sandwich, and a side of bangers & mash.
posted by dbiedny at 1:55 PM on December 13, 2007