Comments on: How Many Five Year Olds Could You Take in a Fight?

How Many Five Year Olds Could You Take in a Fight?

Avenger50 — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 18:44:54 -0800

How Many Five Year Olds Could You Take in a Fight? [cached via]

By: Afreemind2007

Afreemind2007 — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 18:48:14 -0800

19.

By: ooga_booga

ooga_booga — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 18:50:08 -0800

30. They didn't take into account my wheelbarrow and holocaust cloak.

By: The World Famous

The World Famous — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 18:52:03 -0800

The site says 24, but I know from experience that the correct number is 174.2.

By: Mister Cheese

Mister Cheese — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 18:54:52 -0800

So the remaining eight tenths of a child is what finally took you out?

By: freshwater_pr0n

freshwater_pr0n — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 18:56:22 -0800

Twenty-six. Me and another individual of similar abilities could probably take out a whole field trip, if we had to.

By: lekvar

lekvar — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 18:56:27 -0800

First off, given their ground-rules, I already know what my number is; 5. I found this out after being swarmed at a birthday party. They tracked me like hounds and brought me to bay. Once I was down it was all over. I managed to stand twice, but against the combined mass* of five struggling toddlers, I was merely forestalling the inevitable. They broke me and rode me like a mule. Plus, I love the fact that there's a link to a dating site at the bottom. "So Brenda, how did you and Frank spend your first date?" "Oh we compared notes on how to violently suppress a toddler uprising." *All parents know that toddlers can increase their density at will. This is a fact.

By: FelliniBlank

FelliniBlank — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 18:56:43 -0800

23. And I'm headin' over to the kindergarten playground tomorrow to put it to the test, baby.

By: bwg

bwg — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 18:57:34 -0800

28, only because I middled in the moral compass zone.

By: StickyCarpet

StickyCarpet — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 18:57:52 -0800

A little weak on the science.

By: sneakin

sneakin — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 18:59:22 -0800

Comedically a hit or miss idea. Executed in the most un-funny, banal way possible. Next.

By: DU

DU — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:00:06 -0800

5 years old isn't a "toddler". Which leads me to my remark: As the father of twins (among others), I can tell you that 2 2.5 year olds is just about my match. But the ivory tower theoreticians at the site say: 20.

By: nola

nola — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:01:18 -0800

All of them.

By: Falling_Saint

Falling_Saint — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:05:05 -0800

28, but they obviously didn't take into account the tried-and-true spinning-in-place-while-holding-a-child-by-the-ankles technique which I have perfected over the years.

By: Stynxno

Stynxno — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:05:10 -0800

22. since most 5 year olds are about my height, i'll assume that my skillz > urs.

By: KevinSkomsvold

KevinSkomsvold — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:05:59 -0800

Technically not a double but some great responses in the previous thread.

By: Pants!

Pants! — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:07:00 -0800

100% Free Dating at JustSayHi.com. How nice that it's an advertisement!

By: L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg

L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:07:18 -0800

"Just like a five-year-old to bring a knife to a gun fight."

By: tepidmonkey

tepidmonkey — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:08:45 -0800

It says I can take 23. The scientist in me wants to test this hypothesis. The child in me wants to wet his pants.

By: pupdog

pupdog — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:11:06 -0800

28, but I think I'm probably more ruthless than they're giving me credit for. Plus, I'd probably cheat and bring a weapon or two...

By: Sam.Burdick

Sam.Burdick — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:12:24 -0800

I got 28.... I'm not sure that's exactly accurate. No 5 year olds understand mass tactics. And swarming doesn't cut it.

By: mr_crash_davis

mr_crash_davis — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:13:00 -0800

35. Watch out, E.G. King Elementary School kindergarten class of 2007.

By: humannaire

humannaire — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:13:38 -0800

30. Is that a lot? Because when it comes down to it, I know people. And if I go down, loads of my friends between the ages of 4 and 12 are opening a can of whoop ass on my behalf. Andre had a posse, but humannaires look out for their kind.

By: verb

verb — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:14:38 -0800

Twenty-five here. If I practiced and got into a few fights I'll bet I could bump that way up.

By: oddman

oddman — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:15:51 -0800

We've talked about this already. 26.

By: pyramid termite

pyramid termite — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:15:58 -0800

19 - but once i do my imitations of barney and big bird and distract them with cookies, kittens and spiders, they won't want to fight me anymore you all seem woefully inexperienced with children

By: sonic meat machine

sonic meat machine — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:16:07 -0800

Honestly, any tall person has an advantage because you can just sprint around. They will get tired sooner than you, then you can just charge in.

By: spiderwire

spiderwire — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:20:10 -0800

Wait, don't we have a copyright on that? WTF.

By: spiderwire

spiderwire — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:20:45 -0800

...Oh, nevermind, we plagiarized it from somewhere else in the first place. Guess it's all good then. Yarrrrr!

By: FelliniBlank

FelliniBlank — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:21:01 -0800

I don't see why I have to take on multiple five-year-olds solo, anyhow. I mean, the man has to kill only one bear, and there's only one airplane on the conveyor belt, after all.

By: not_on_display

not_on_display — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:21:20 -0800

Two. I suck at this flash game.

By: Baby_Balrog

Baby_Balrog — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:22:26 -0800

I swear to God there was an askme about this.

By: itchylick

itchylick — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:22:38 -0800

The real question is how many 5 year olds could you take on a flight?

By: jrossi4r

jrossi4r — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:26:15 -0800

My brother-in-law once randomly yelled, "Uncle Rossi has candy in his pockets!" at a family gathering. Within 10 seconds, my giant bear of a husband was on the the ground, guarding his groin and trying to convince half a dozen children under 9 that they had been misinformed. You are all overestimating your abilities.

By: not_on_display

not_on_display — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:26:21 -0800

During the fight, would you feel morally comfortable picking up a child and using him/her as a weapon to throw at other children? Well, that depends.

By: sonic meat machine

sonic meat machine — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:32:10 -0800

Well, jrossi4r, he was probably unwilling to kick any of the little hellions in the throat. That handicaps your ability to demolish their pack behavior.

By: AwkwardPause

AwkwardPause — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:34:00 -0800

21. Mostly because my moral compas is oh so wrong...

By: pompomtom

pompomtom — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:35:32 -0800

32. Hating children seems to help. Now having said that: are we assuming an element of surprise? Also: jrossi4r Just how would your burly hubby feel about kicking those toddlers in the head? In public?

By: Dipsomaniac

Dipsomaniac — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:36:10 -0800

The test said 21, but I wouldn't be comfortable taking on more children than I could realistically eat later.

By: miss lynnster

miss lynnster — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:37:50 -0800

26. Ahhh, but they've underestimated my mind melding/distraction techniques. The key is... make them cry. They lose their focus through the salty tears of a temper tantrum. And that's when you piledrive them. Let's not forget... I've already taken down 2,800 beanie-wearing babies. 26 toddlers are nothing to me.

By: scblackman

scblackman — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:38:53 -0800

"Oh we compared notes on how to violently suppress a toddler uprising." I, for one, welcome our new toddler overlords.

By: pompomtom

pompomtom — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:42:24 -0800

scblackman: you're either with us or against us....

By: jrossi4r

jrossi4r — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:43:40 -0800

I'd like to think that he was above kicking small children, but I can't be sure. The thing is, he never got the chance. They were on him before he knew what was happening. Children are wily and relentless. But more important, they have no sense of mortality, so they don't fear death. It's hard to fight an enemy that determined. Never go in against the chilluns when candy's on the line.

By: maxwelton

maxwelton — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:49:12 -0800

20 here, but I didn't see any way to factor in my deadly flatulence, which could easily render an area the size of a basketball court uninhabitable.

By: ooga_booga

ooga_booga — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:49:27 -0800

I think jrossi4r has hit upon a winning Iraq strategy.

By: nixerman

nixerman — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:53:28 -0800

After much previous discussion and experimentation I think this experiment is just fundamentally flawed. The thing is that five year olds are pussies. They're the exact opposite fearless. All it takes is the brutal destruction of one toddler and the rest immediately break down in tears. A lot of them will also wet their pants. The entire idea of a "fearless five-year old" just doesn't make any sense and has no place in empirical reality. A more interesting experiment is to replace the five-year olds with ferrets. And here the real vectors of the problem become apparent very quickly. It turns out that teeth and claws are tremendous force amplifiers. All it takes is one good bite in a vulnerable area and defeat quickly follows. Even a relatively small number (3-6) of hungry, trained ferrets are enough to consistently and severely disable both a highly-trained martial artist and a US Marine. This holds true even when they are allowed to work together against the ferret threat. But when you allow for even minimal armor (padded gloves, sweats and goggles) the kill counts immediately rise drastically. With heavy armor the humans can slaughter the ferrets without consequence and the result is a "ferret holocaust." Really the experiment demonstrates that swarm and mass tactics, even when totally uncoordinated, are extremely effective in close combat. As history aptly demonstrates, the only effective solution in the face of such tactics is self-propelled armor.

By: maxwelton

maxwelton — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 20:00:17 -0800

Ferrets?

By: dobbs

dobbs — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 20:01:37 -0800

I swear to God there was an askme about this. Sure you're not thinking of this?

By: pompomtom

pompomtom — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 20:03:39 -0800

nixerman: I'm afraid I can't subscribe to your philosophy until we've seen, say, a five on five bout between the kids and the ferrets. I mean, I don't doubt the ferrets will win, but I want to see it.

By: jedro

jedro — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 20:06:45 -0800

Metafilter is really going downhill.

By: survivorman

survivorman — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 20:17:47 -0800

That site was based on a thread that I saw probably a few years ago now (and too tired to google up), and it was insanely funny. This website doesn't fare near as well.

By: shshao

shshao — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 20:19:21 -0800

dang jedro, did I just flush that $5 away?

By: survivorman

survivorman — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 20:19:40 -0800

Now I see dobbs Metafilter link, but it was before that and on another discussion forum.

By: Samizdata

Samizdata — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 20:26:28 -0800

26. I couldn't add in shin guards. Or a chainsaw.

By: mistersquid

mistersquid — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 20:28:40 -0800

How much you want to bet Apple legal is going to get all over that syringe and Apple logo together?

By: cccorlew

cccorlew — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 20:51:48 -0800

I got 17, but I am sure it is massively higher. I don't think they did any actual tests or research. I think they just made it all up! Let's see video.

By: Samizdata

Samizdata — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 20:58:46 -0800

Hurt five year olds or GTFO!

By: smackfu

smackfu — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 20:59:34 -0800

Reminds me of the Zombie Survival Guide.

By: brownpau

brownpau — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 21:09:36 -0800

Appended to the code supplied to put a badge on your own website: <p><small>Looking for <a href="http://www.cashobfuscatingspammyURLadvance1500.com">payday loan</a>?</small></p> Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. Is this a scummy marketing ploy, or is he deliberately trying to sabotage his audience's pagerank with spammy SEO tactics?

By: pompomtom

pompomtom — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 21:22:33 -0800

'Scummy marketing ploy', I'd presumed, but how hard is it to fix (if you're actually up to *gasp* cutting and pasting html)?

By: loquacious

loquacious — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 21:27:54 -0800

38 ...thousand.

By: A dead Quaker

A dead Quaker — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 21:37:32 -0800

What if they're all named Ender Wiggin?

By: Skygazer

Skygazer — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 21:45:18 -0800

22. Come on you little fuckers! Put up yer dukes!!

By: emmling

emmling — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 21:49:13 -0800

22, but it failed to take into account that I work in a kindergarten and thus take on more than that many five-year-olds every day and live.

By: rokusan

rokusan — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 22:01:19 -0800

31, which is the exact number shown in the site's logo. Hm.

By: gummi

gummi — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 23:04:25 -0800

I got 31 as well. Bring it, bitches.

By: DBrett's

DBrett's — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 23:51:06 -0800

26...thats 100% correct, well now i've got some science(?) to back me up if the *unfortunate* occurrence arises. What about a 10 year old? or an 70 year old?... i guess they both have their pro's and con's.

By: moonbiter

moonbiter — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 01:02:20 -0800

5-year-old whats? I figure I could take several 5-year-old kids, but probably not even one 5-year-old lion, elephant, shark*, or bear. *Unless it's a nursing shark or some such.

By: Jofus

Jofus — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 01:15:46 -0800

25. Same as in town.

By: BrotherCaine

BrotherCaine — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 02:59:58 -0800

Mine said 33, but I'd think it depends on where the relative start positions were. If you start surrounded you'd go down pretty quickly.

By: dasheekeejones

dasheekeejones — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 03:40:55 -0800

20. Not bad for a girl.

By: FelliniBlank

FelliniBlank — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 04:00:53 -0800

Is this a scummy marketing ploy? Here's an idea -- why not spread holiday cheer by killing the 37 five-year-olds attacking the person in line behind you?

By: Edgewise

Edgewise — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 04:20:03 -0800

23 for me, but I, too, doubt the science behind this site (no accreditation). The whole exercise reminds me of a prior mefi posting about student-teacher relations during the Chinese Cultural Revolution. On some occasions you had classrooms of kids bullying these full grown adults. Not quite the same age group, but I bet those guys were asking a similar question am-I-right-guys?

By: BozoBurgerBonanza

BozoBurgerBonanza — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 05:08:22 -0800

10 That's right, 10. What do you expcect from a guy who isn't even man enough to cheat on his wife

By: filmgeek

filmgeek — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 05:12:39 -0800

31. Of course, while you could wield one kid as a weapon, I'd think your numbers would go up.

By: juv3nal

juv3nal — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 05:15:37 -0800

29, but I think I could take more real 5 year olds. As nixerman points out, and as I alluded to in the earlier askme, completely fearless 5 year olds aren't like any real 5 year olds. It doesn't matter that a 5 year old doesn't know "what death is," they certainly know what pain is and will try to avoid it. With real 5 year olds, I don't think you're going to get much of a fight out of them once you pick up the nearest one and tear open his carotid with your teeth.

By: Uther Bentrazor

Uther Bentrazor — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 05:19:40 -0800

This doesn't have nearly enough ninjas or Chuck Norris referrences to be TOTALLY AWESOME BRO WOOHOO GUITAR HERO (boo.)

By: SteveTheRed

SteveTheRed — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 05:20:00 -0800

Zero. My five-year-old kicks my ass all the time. Usually when I'm taking a nap.

By: Lord Kinbote

Lord Kinbote — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 07:23:36 -0800

I agree with nixerman: How do you get kindergarteners to want to fight? Perhaps if you fed them a few black coffees laced with PCP they might become bloodthirsty.

By: teishu

teishu — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 07:29:11 -0800

37 Can we get a TKchrist answer in here? I bet he knows from experience, if not personally, I'm sure he's seen it happen to someone else.

By: ObscureReferenceMan

ObscureReferenceMan — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 07:49:33 -0800

23 And I could have sworn I saw this elsewhere (via digg?), with a little more info. And why hasn't anyone linked to the AskMe thread on this?

By: mrbill

mrbill — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 08:21:29 -0800

My wife and I attended a local professional wrestling event last week (a friend is one of the wrestlers). Of course, the front row of seats next to the ring was full of 8-to-12-year-olds, just LOVING everything, screaming for the "good guys", booing the "bad guys", etc. The wrestlers were playing to the kids, yelling at them, acting mean, running around for high-fives, etc. When one of the "bad guys" came over to the kids to do his act, my wife leaned over and said "man, all those kids together would KICK HIS ASS..." I had to agree. No matter how good shape you're in, enough little kids would drag you down. Plus, a kick to the balls is a kick to the balls.

By: Smedleyman

Smedleyman — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 09:00:30 -0800

38 Makes no sense at all. I wouldn't fight hordes of 5 year olds. I'd open up with a machine gun from a good 500 yards out. Gotta Nth nixerman, I see anyone take out 10 or 20 guys just like me without breaking a sweat, psychologically you'd probably start re-thinking attacking this guy. Even if you are fanatically motivated, you'd probably lob grenades or molatov cocktails or something. Reminds me of the old kung fu movies. Not only were they not attacking en masse, but at some point some supernaturally bad ass dude one punch k.o.'s all of the baddest dudes you train with, you're probably not going to rush him. (I like the Zombie apocalypse question)

By: davejay

davejay — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 09:33:57 -0800

Two. Hopefully. Because that's how many five-year-olds I'll have in 2010.

By: hellslinger

hellslinger — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 09:49:06 -0800

HAHAHAHA

By: nobeagle

nobeagle — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 10:34:13 -0800

"How do you get 5 year olds to want to fight?" - my guess would be to ensure that they're "properly" raised from birth. Most 5 year olds speak pretty well, but if you keep it in a crib in a closed room so you don't hear it cry (don't worry, in a few weeks/months it will give up crying when it realizes that crying doesn't help), it's not going to speak very well at 5. I'm sure that one could train a 5 year old to fearlessly attack the bigguns, and only the bigguns (important, so the rampaging chilluns don't take each other out). As for kicking the kids in the throat or head, as balance will be important I'd recommend going for the stomach just beneath the ribs. Your foot is raised less high, so you'll be able to bring it back to the ground quicker. It might not knock the kid out, but it will be on the ground for minutes trying to breath and that will provide an obstacle for the other kids. Plus, you're less likely to miss.

By: Greg Nog

Greg Nog — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 13:46:29 -0800

Now see, I got 33, but the site underestimates the role of intelligence here. What I would do, with my solomon-like wisdom, is ask all the kids "Who wants to destroy me?" And whoever says "Not me!", I point to that kid and go, "All right, since you have my best interest at heart, you are the winner." and then all the other kids are like "FUUUUUCK" and that one kid who won is like "NIIIIIICE" tl dr use bible tricks for massive damage

By: dyslexictraveler

dyslexictraveler — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 10:13:30 -0800

That site was based on a thread that I saw probably a few years ago now (and too tired to google up), and it was insanely funny. This website doesn't fare near as well. Ya, I saw this a few years ago as well. I think this was the post that started it all--still hilarious.