Zach Braff Quotes

December 28, 2007 9:17 PM

Forget Chuck Norris facts, the next big thing is Zach Braff quotes.
posted by KingoftheWhales (66 comments total)

No good can come from this.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:23 PM on December 28, 2007

Saw this site the other day and I have to confess my utter befuddlement.
posted by Slothrup at 9:23 PM on December 28, 2007

so uhh...
the formula is, zach braff + "offensive" comment = funny?
posted by p3on at 9:24 PM on December 28, 2007

At least the Chuck Norris facts were kind of funny at first.
posted by Pope Guilty at 9:28 PM on December 28, 2007

I am all for taking the piss out of Zach Braff, who is far too earnest and lacking of exceptional talent for my tastes, but this is just not very well done.
posted by dhammond at 9:29 PM on December 28, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

"That Hugh Laurie show is nothing but Scrubs fan fiction." - Zach Braff on House

Doesn't the fact that it's fucking Hugh Laurie automatically upgrade it to slash fiction, though?

Mmmm. Hugh Laurie.
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 9:29 PM on December 28, 2007 [6 favorites has favorites]

bash.org did it better.
posted by sonic meat machine at 9:34 PM on December 28, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

If he were just a middle-of-the-road stand-up comedian, I bet you'd cut him some slack. But since he really is larger than God, we need to hold him to a higher standard.
posted by not_on_display at 9:36 PM on December 28, 2007

This IS part of some comedy routine, right? I don't watch Scrubs so I'm really not familiar with this guy's work.
posted by clevershark at 9:42 PM on December 28, 2007

This IS part of some comedy routine, right? I don't watch Scrubs so I'm really not familiar with this guy's work.

They aren't real quotes, but just imagining Zach Braff saying them amuses me to no end.
posted by KingoftheWhales at 9:45 PM on December 28, 2007

It would be funnier if it was funny.
posted by Slack-a-gogo at 9:47 PM on December 28, 2007 [16 favorites has favorites]

Oh I see... looks like I "get" this about as much as I "got" the whole Chuck Norris thing.
posted by clevershark at 9:48 PM on December 28, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Ohhhhh... "NOTE: This site, zachbraffquotes.com, and everything contained on it is purely satire not affilitated to Zach Braff, Fox Searchlight, or Dreamworks Pictures in any way, shape, or form."

See, I easily believed that he actually said this stuff, and thought, "Oh, he's trying to be cute/clever/self-deprecating/ironic/____ but it's not quite funny, and out of context he sounds like an asshole." So I never got beyond reading 5 or 6 random quotes.

But I would like to see a greased cage match between Zack Braffffff and a heavily sedated Chuck Norris.
posted by not_on_display at 10:04 PM on December 28, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Right, they're made up quotes, obviously.

But what's the joke? Is Braff known for making overly nonchalant, self-centered statements? He does irritate me.
posted by delmoi at 10:06 PM on December 28, 2007

These are funny but I don't get it either. Is he a jerk in real life? If not, it seems kinda like character assassination.
posted by cazoo at 10:09 PM on December 28, 2007

Everyone click here. TIA.
posted by delmoi at 10:13 PM on December 28, 2007

The ones on the bottom are really lame. Which is not surprising.
posted by delmoi at 10:16 PM on December 28, 2007

Needs more funny.
posted by omarr at 10:26 PM on December 28, 2007

these are sometimes funny.

Thereby proving Zach Braff did not really say them.
posted by drjimmy11 at 10:32 PM on December 28, 2007

Is Braff known for making overly nonchalant, self-centered statements?

I didn't time it, but I believe the first 17 minutes of "Garden State" are one continuous shot of him looking at himself in the mirror.
posted by drjimmy11 at 10:41 PM on December 28, 2007

The problem is that it's not really funny, because you can't tell that it's not actually true, at least in some cases. Zach Braff is an actor -- I only 'know' a few characters that he plays on TV, I have no idea what he's like in real life. It's entirely possible that he is a flaming racist (replace 'Zach Braff' with 'Mel Gibson' and 'black people' with 'Jews' and suddenly it's a lot less amusing).

The "Chuck Norris Facts" lists got their laughs out of sheer ridiculousness. For an actor to secretly be a vicious, hateful person in the privacy of their own mind is not particularly ridiculous.

I can see where they're trying to go with it...and spoken by the right character, in Zach Braff's oh-so-innocent voice, they might be funny, because the sarcasm or exaggeration would be clear. But as-is, they fall into that uncanny valley between edgy-funny and just uncomfortable.
posted by Kadin2048 at 11:06 PM on December 28, 2007

The "Chuck Norris Facts" lists got their laughs out of sheer ridiculousness. For an actor to secretly be a vicious, hateful person in the privacy of their own mind is not particularly ridiculous.

Not only this, the joke is fucking dead. Moving it to a new person does not make it funny again.
posted by Mikey-San at 11:23 PM on December 28, 2007

This post reminds me of the 100 minutes I wasted watching "Garden State."
posted by blucevalo at 11:25 PM on December 28, 2007 [5 favorites has favorites]

"It's not that I think the Nazis were right, or anything. It's just that, we weren't there, we don't know." - Zach Braff on the holocaust

Wow. Just... wow. Really? And this is ranked #2?

Sorry, but this whole site desperately needs a roundhouse kick to the face.
posted by anarcation at 11:38 PM on December 28, 2007 [5 favorites has favorites]

Why does everyone want to kick Zach Braff in the face? I'm not asking because I think he doesn't deserve it! I'm just wondering whether there might be some biochemical explanation.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 12:03 AM on December 29, 2007

Chuck Norris Facts don't die. They get roundhouse kicked around MetaFilter.
posted by Poolio at 12:16 AM on December 29, 2007

At least Chuck Norris didn't pretend he was Oscar Wilde.
posted by whir at 12:38 AM on December 29, 2007

Keep shit like this to yourself.
posted by autodidact at 12:48 AM on December 29, 2007

Man, the only honest match-up now would be between Chuck Norris of Internet Legend vs. Chuck Norris of Depressing Reality. It'd be like watching mollusks writhing in a salt bath. Why drag poor Zach Braff into it?
posted by maryh at 1:08 AM on December 29, 2007

This is shit.
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 1:17 AM on December 29, 2007

Well, at least Zach Braff doesn't endorse Mike Huckabee.
posted by scodger at 1:19 AM on December 29, 2007

I . . . I can't stop myself:

MetaFiter: Like watching mollusks writhing in a salt bath.
posted by Mikey-San at 1:26 AM on December 29, 2007

Chuck Norris doesn't think this new meme is funny either.
posted by crossoverman at 1:36 AM on December 29, 2007

Man, the only honest match-up now would be between Chuck Norris of Internet Legend vs. Chuck Norris of Depressing Reality. It'd be like watching mollusks writhing in a salt bath. Why drag poor Zach Braff into it?

'Cause he'd be all cute and self-effacing about it. Which is exactly why he should be dragged into a salt bath match-up with Chuck Norris to get the gel smacked out of his hair, all Janitor-style.

Let's put three crabs in a bucket, dub them Norris, Braff, 'n' Flynn and watch the fun--or let's not and say we did.
posted by bonobo at 3:01 AM on December 29, 2007

Sorry, but this whole site desperately needs a roundhouse kick to the face.

I'm not sure which site you mean. This one, or that one?

Probably both, huh?
posted by chillmost at 3:58 AM on December 29, 2007

ok so I am a bad person for actually enjoying Garden State?

pompous yes, but I liked it.
posted by ShawnString at 4:47 AM on December 29, 2007

Forgive me if I take this whole thing a little personally.

I'm always the last one to know what comes outta ZachsMouth.

No grey matter was harmed in the making of ZachBraffQuotes.com, but the reading of it? That's your lookout.

Okay, fine. What do you want me to make him say?
posted by ZachsMind at 5:29 AM on December 29, 2007

"But I'm alive." - Zach Braff on Friedrich Nietzsche

this one is at least clever.
posted by I Foody at 6:06 AM on December 29, 2007

That would have been funny if only it had contained comedy.
posted by JeffK at 6:16 AM on December 29, 2007

Didn't realize there was this much Braff-hate in the populace at large.
Scrubs is a decent sitcom and his films, while not jewels of the medium, at least try for something more than the formulaic...so I'm not quite getting the point of this.
The sound of one schlub grinding his little axe?
posted by the sobsister at 6:22 AM on December 29, 2007

Remind me again? *Who* is Zach Braf?
posted by nax at 6:32 AM on December 29, 2007

It'd be funnier if half the quotes took into account that he's a jewish guy with a black best friend but hey, that's the fun of Internet memes right?
posted by Talez at 6:42 AM on December 29, 2007

Oo hoo hoo, I wouldn't want to be Zach Braff now!

Wait a minute, yes I would.
posted by mazola at 7:56 AM on December 29, 2007

Yeah, but he's just so damn cute!
posted by DenOfSizer at 7:56 AM on December 29, 2007

Mathowie can jrun circles around both Chuck Norris and Zach Braff.
posted by srboisvert at 8:12 AM on December 29, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Making wild, obvious exaggerations about people is one thing, but putting ambiguously untrue words in their mouths doesn't seem quite sporting. Or legal.

In bewildered curiosity, I navigated to the official Zach Braff web place. Dude signs blog posts with variations of "xxxxxooooo" and "peace and peaceful love".
posted by zennie at 8:13 AM on December 29, 2007

I didn't realize racist slurs became funny if you claimed Zach Braff said it. It's like an act of magic! Repulsive, shameful magic!
posted by Astro Zombie at 8:58 AM on December 29, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

LOL"CONTROVERSIAL"

"But I'm alive." - Zach Braff on Friedrich Nietzsche

this one is at least clever.

Yeah, Nietzsche did also write while he was alive.
posted by ersatz at 9:01 AM on December 29, 2007

I don't understand this.
posted by jeff-o-matic at 9:02 AM on December 29, 2007

"But I'm alive." - Zach Braff on Friedrich Nietzsche

I Foody: this one is at least clever.

ersatz: Yeah, Nietzsche did also write while he was alive.

I'm pretty sure the joke there is that you're supposed to silently add Nietzsche's famous line, "God is dead" yourself.

Individual results may vary....
posted by hincandenza at 9:39 AM on December 29, 2007

I don't like Scrubs - it's in love with its own preciousness. And I don't like Braff's acting, because he sacrifices truth for cute. I never saw Garden State, and I have no intention of seeing it.

But I have to ask, is there more to this story? Here we have a mediocre young actor who committed the sin of hubris, apparently. That happens a lot. Hell, it even happens to mature actors - Jodi Foster in Nell, perhaps?

I'm not defending Zach Braff because I'm a good person who gives others the benefit of the doubt. Look, I WANT to hate. Just give me a good reason.
posted by Evangeline at 9:48 AM on December 29, 2007

Scrubs has its moments and I enjoyed Garden State given the fact its a small art house film trying to express something rather than just another car-chase-hot-chicks-in-tight-leather-mega-explosions-ooh-politicians-are-evil-america-uber-alles shit flick.

I don't get this site. If ZB (as he liked to be called when we spoon) was particularly hubristic or something annoying above the general herd, say more annoying than that guy who keeps getting his cock out in the green rooms wherever I am these days, I would get it - put the cunt down as my gangster father from the docklands would say if he existed.

If he was even, say, a moralistic twat or way too "messagey", then I would find some amusement in subverting the two-bit do-gooding motherfucker and bring him down a peg or two into the gutter with the rest of us.

As it is he's a middle road actor with a moderate ego size (for an actor) and average exposure. It seems Mr. Internet hasn't picked its target for maximum wit and truthiness (die Colbert you wanker for giving us that word).

Now I need a lie down.
posted by monkeyx-uk at 10:24 AM on December 29, 2007

If these aren't Braff quotes, he should be suing for libel. Particularly the Holocaust one.
posted by athenian at 10:31 AM on December 29, 2007

People often get a bug up their butt about some particular celebrity for no obvious reason. Maybe he read some interview with Braff while he was promoting Garden State. Maybe he's Braff's old college lover and he feels slighted. Maybe he and his buddies were getting stoned one night and they started making up Zack Braff quotes and they just seemed SO FUCKING FUNNY and now memory of teh funey so strongly imprinted on their consciousness through the magic of weed that they can't see just how dumb most of this shit sounds.

Anyway, I liked him on Arrested Development as the "Girls With Low Self Esteem" video entrepreneur (and closet Never-Nude).
posted by lodurr at 11:03 AM on December 29, 2007

I'm finding this a little hard to understand, since I have never previously heard of this Braff character. I gather that it is now hilarious to, for example, refer to black people as "monkeys", if you append the words "Zach" and "Braff"? We can do better than this.
"This shit shouldn't be on MetaFilter; also, it's clearly a self-link." - Zach Braff on 67781.
posted by nowonmai at 11:16 AM on December 29, 2007

Latest Zach Braff news in NY Mag:
What with the wintry weather, and fashion folks being so skinny, there was much discussion of how to stay warm at last night's party for fashion magazine Fanzine137 and Rodarte held at the Park. "I think you need a lover over the winter because then you can get snowed in," said Leelee Sobieski. Does she have one? "No. You've got to be choosy. Life is too short." Her BFF Arden Wohl, who had been talking with Chloë Sevigny, agreed. It has to be the right lover, she said. "Some men are kissing monsters! They do this" (she stuck out her tongue) "or they do this" (she stuck out her tongue and wiggled it around) "but all you want is a smooth French!" We asked her who the bad Frencher was. "Some guy!" she shouted. No, really, who? Finally, Wohl told us. "Zach Braff! Zach Braff is a bad kisser!"

No word on her experiences snogging with Chuck Norris, however.
posted by miss lynnster at 11:36 AM on December 29, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Chuck Norris doesn't kiss. He punches you with his tongue.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:50 AM on December 29, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

For a second I respected this guy as a comedian.

Then I realized it was parody.
posted by shownomercy at 12:23 PM on December 29, 2007

Fail.

I liked him on Arrested Development too. Garden State was overrated, but not horrible at all. Natalie Portman is cute.

Perhaps the hate comes from the fact that Mr. Braff fucks a lot more hot chicks (e.g. Mandy Moore, etc.) than the creator of this site. Shrug.
posted by mrgrimm at 12:33 PM on December 29, 2007

The real problem seems to be that the jokes are split between the "Zach Braff thinks he's God" jokes and the "lets be as offensive as we can and get away with it by saying that Zach said it and then it's satire and funny" *things*. The first set I don't find that funny (but on a par with the Chuck lines I guess), the second disgust me the more I see...
posted by muteh at 4:11 PM on December 29, 2007

Needs more Jack Handey

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
posted by uncanny hengeman at 12:11 AM on December 30, 2007

Bob: My co-stars aren't bad actors, but they're no Zach Braff.
Charotte: Okay.
posted by From Bklyn at 4:45 AM on December 30, 2007

"But I'm alive." - Zach Braff on Friedrich Nietzsche

I Foody: this one is at least clever.

ersatz: Yeah, Nietzsche did also write while he was alive.

I'm pretty sure the joke there is that you're supposed to silently add Nietzsche's famous line, "God is dead" yourself.

Individual results may vary....

I know. If you read it as "Braff pwnz God", as I did, a bigger part of Nietzsche's quote makes Braff's invented quote fall flat on its face. If you read it as "Braff can substitute God", meh.

God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives: who will wipe this blood off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become gods simply to appear worthy of it?

posted by ersatz at 8:33 AM on December 30, 2007

God is dead, but that plate of beans is very much alive...
posted by hincandenza at 4:08 PM on December 30, 2007

Wow, he's kind of like Sarah Silverman minus the sweater puppies. Which means there's nothing interesting whatsoever about it.
posted by bovious at 11:10 AM on December 31, 2007

"It would be funnier if it was funny."Now THAT's funny!!!
posted by petersn1 at 5:19 PM on January 1, 2008