Comments on: Zach Braff Quotes

Zach Braff Quotes

KingoftheWhales — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 21:17:12 -0800

Forget Chuck Norris facts, the next big thing is Zach Braff quotes.

By: Ironmouth

Ironmouth — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 21:23:11 -0800

No good can come from this.

By: Slothrup

Slothrup — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 21:23:19 -0800

Saw this site the other day and I have to confess my utter befuddlement.

By: p3on

p3on — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 21:24:31 -0800

so uhh... the formula is, zach braff + "offensive" comment = funny?

By: Pope Guilty

Pope Guilty — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 21:28:11 -0800

At least the Chuck Norris facts were kind of funny at first.

By: dhammond

dhammond — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 21:29:54 -0800

I am all for taking the piss out of Zach Braff, who is far too earnest and lacking of exceptional talent for my tastes, but this is just not very well done.

By: CitrusFreak12

CitrusFreak12 — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 21:29:54 -0800

"That Hugh Laurie show is nothing but Scrubs fan fiction." - Zach Braff on House Doesn't the fact that it's fucking Hugh Laurie automatically upgrade it to slash fiction, though? Mmmm. Hugh Laurie.

By: sonic meat machine

sonic meat machine — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 21:34:20 -0800

bash.org did it better.

By: not_on_display

not_on_display — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 21:36:52 -0800

If he were just a middle-of-the-road stand-up comedian, I bet you'd cut him some slack. But since he really is larger than God, we need to hold him to a higher standard.

By: clevershark

clevershark — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 21:42:41 -0800

This IS part of some comedy routine, right? I don't watch Scrubs so I'm really not familiar with this guy's work.

By: KingoftheWhales

KingoftheWhales — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 21:45:02 -0800

This IS part of some comedy routine, right? I don't watch Scrubs so I'm really not familiar with this guy's work. They aren't real quotes, but just imagining Zach Braff saying them amuses me to no end.

By: Slack-a-gogo

Slack-a-gogo — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 21:47:26 -0800

It would be funnier if it was funny.

By: clevershark

clevershark — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 21:48:56 -0800

Oh I see... looks like I "get" this about as much as I "got" the whole Chuck Norris thing.

By: not_on_display

not_on_display — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 22:04:37 -0800

Ohhhhh... "NOTE: This site, zachbraffquotes.com, and everything contained on it is purely satire not affilitated to Zach Braff, Fox Searchlight, or Dreamworks Pictures in any way, shape, or form." See, I easily believed that he actually said this stuff, and thought, "Oh, he's trying to be cute/clever/self-deprecating/ironic/____ but it's not quite funny, and out of context he sounds like an asshole." So I never got beyond reading 5 or 6 random quotes. But I would like to see a greased cage match between Zack Braffffff and a heavily sedated Chuck Norris.

By: delmoi

delmoi — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 22:06:29 -0800

Right, they're made up quotes, obviously. But what's the joke? Is Braff known for making overly nonchalant, self-centered statements? He does irritate me.

By: cazoo

cazoo — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 22:09:18 -0800

These are funny but I don't get it either. Is he a jerk in real life? If not, it seems kinda like character assassination.

By: delmoi

delmoi — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 22:13:57 -0800

Everyone click here. TIA.

By: delmoi

delmoi — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 22:16:50 -0800

The ones on the bottom are really lame. Which is not surprising.

By: omarr

omarr — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 22:26:48 -0800

Needs more funny.

By: drjimmy11

drjimmy11 — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 22:32:09 -0800

these are sometimes funny. Thereby proving Zach Braff did not really say them.

By: drjimmy11

drjimmy11 — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 22:41:13 -0800

Is Braff known for making overly nonchalant, self-centered statements? I didn't time it, but I believe the first 17 minutes of "Garden State" are one continuous shot of him looking at himself in the mirror.

By: Kadin2048

Kadin2048 — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 23:06:57 -0800

The problem is that it's not really funny, because you can't tell that it's not actually true, at least in some cases. Zach Braff is an actor -- I only 'know' a few characters that he plays on TV, I have no idea what he's like in real life. It's entirely possible that he is a flaming racist (replace 'Zach Braff' with 'Mel Gibson' and 'black people' with 'Jews' and suddenly it's a lot less amusing). The "Chuck Norris Facts" lists got their laughs out of sheer ridiculousness. For an actor to secretly be a vicious, hateful person in the privacy of their own mind is not particularly ridiculous. I can see where they're trying to go with it...and spoken by the right character, in Zach Braff's oh-so-innocent voice, they might be funny, because the sarcasm or exaggeration would be clear. But as-is, they fall into that uncanny valley between edgy-funny and just uncomfortable.

By: Mikey-San

Mikey-San — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 23:23:55 -0800

The "Chuck Norris Facts" lists got their laughs out of sheer ridiculousness. For an actor to secretly be a vicious, hateful person in the privacy of their own mind is not particularly ridiculous. Not only this, the joke is fucking dead. Moving it to a new person does not make it funny again.

By: blucevalo

blucevalo — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 23:25:01 -0800

This post reminds me of the 100 minutes I wasted watching "Garden State."

By: anarcation

anarcation — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 23:38:58 -0800

"It's not that I think the Nazis were right, or anything. It's just that, we weren't there, we don't know." - Zach Braff on the holocaust Wow. Just... wow. Really? And this is ranked #2? Sorry, but this whole site desperately needs a roundhouse kick to the face.

By: kittens for breakfast

kittens for breakfast — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 00:03:39 -0800

Why does everyone want to kick Zach Braff in the face? I'm not asking because I think he doesn't deserve it! I'm just wondering whether there might be some biochemical explanation.

By: Poolio

Poolio — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 00:16:02 -0800

Chuck Norris Facts don't die. They get roundhouse kicked around MetaFilter.

By: whir

whir — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 00:38:02 -0800

At least Chuck Norris didn't pretend he was Oscar Wilde.

By: autodidact

autodidact — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 00:48:52 -0800

Keep shit like this to yourself.

By: maryh

maryh — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 01:08:26 -0800

Man, the only honest match-up now would be between Chuck Norris of Internet Legend vs. Chuck Norris of Depressing Reality. It'd be like watching mollusks writhing in a salt bath. Why drag poor Zach Braff into it?

By: Henry C. Mabuse

Henry C. Mabuse — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 01:17:04 -0800

This is shit.

By: scodger

scodger — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 01:19:09 -0800

Well, at least Zach Braff doesn't endorse Mike Huckabee.

By: Mikey-San

Mikey-San — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 01:26:57 -0800

I . . . I can't stop myself: MetaFiter: Like watching mollusks writhing in a salt bath.

By: crossoverman

crossoverman — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 01:36:08 -0800

Chuck Norris doesn't think this new meme is funny either.

By: bonobo

bonobo — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 03:01:51 -0800

Man, the only honest match-up now would be between Chuck Norris of Internet Legend vs. Chuck Norris of Depressing Reality. It'd be like watching mollusks writhing in a salt bath. Why drag poor Zach Braff into it?

'Cause he'd be all cute and self-effacing about it. Which is exactly why he should be dragged into a salt bath match-up with Chuck Norris to get the gel smacked out of his hair, all Janitor-style. Let's put three crabs in a bucket, dub them Norris, Braff, 'n' Flynn and watch the fun--or let's not and say we did.

By: chillmost

chillmost — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 03:58:32 -0800

Sorry, but this whole site desperately needs a roundhouse kick to the face. I'm not sure which site you mean. This one, or that one? Probably both, huh?

By: ShawnString

ShawnString — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 04:47:15 -0800

ok so I am a bad person for actually enjoying Garden State? pompous yes, but I liked it.

By: ZachsMind

ZachsMind — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 05:29:50 -0800

Forgive me if I take this whole thing a little personally. I'm always the last one to know what comes outta ZachsMouth. No grey matter was harmed in the making of ZachBraffQuotes.com, but the reading of it? That's your lookout. Okay, fine. What do you want me to make him say?

By: I Foody

I Foody — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 06:06:09 -0800

"But I'm alive." - Zach Braff on Friedrich Nietzsche this one is at least clever.

By: JeffK

JeffK — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 06:16:50 -0800

That would have been funny if only it had contained comedy.

By: the sobsister

the sobsister — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 06:22:59 -0800

Didn't realize there was this much Braff-hate in the populace at large. Scrubs is a decent sitcom and his films, while not jewels of the medium, at least try for something more than the formulaic...so I'm not quite getting the point of this. The sound of one schlub grinding his little axe?

By: nax

nax — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 06:32:31 -0800

Remind me again? *Who* is Zach Braf?

By: Talez

Talez — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 06:42:23 -0800

It'd be funnier if half the quotes took into account that he's a jewish guy with a black best friend but hey, that's the fun of Internet memes right?

By: mazola

mazola — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 07:56:14 -0800

Oo hoo hoo, I wouldn't want to be Zach Braff now! Wait a minute, yes I would.

By: DenOfSizer

DenOfSizer — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 07:56:39 -0800

Yeah, but he's just so damn cute!

By: srboisvert

srboisvert — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 08:12:38 -0800

Mathowie can jrun circles around both Chuck Norris and Zach Braff.

By: zennie

zennie — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 08:13:53 -0800

Making wild, obvious exaggerations about people is one thing, but putting ambiguously untrue words in their mouths doesn't seem quite sporting. Or legal. In bewildered curiosity, I navigated to the official Zach Braff web place. Dude signs blog posts with variations of "xxxxxooooo" and "peace and peaceful love".

By: Astro Zombie

Astro Zombie — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 08:58:22 -0800

I didn't realize racist slurs became funny if you claimed Zach Braff said it. It's like an act of magic! Repulsive, shameful magic!

By: ersatz

ersatz — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 09:01:54 -0800

LOL"CONTROVERSIAL" "But I'm alive." - Zach Braff on Friedrich Nietzsche this one is at least clever. Yeah, Nietzsche did also write while he was alive.

By: jeff-o-matic

jeff-o-matic — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 09:02:25 -0800

I don't understand this.

By: hincandenza

hincandenza — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 09:39:58 -0800

"But I'm alive." - Zach Braff on Friedrich Nietzsche I Foody: this one is at least clever.
ersatz: Yeah, Nietzsche did also write while he was alive.

I'm pretty sure the joke there is that you're supposed to silently add Nietzsche's famous line, "God is dead" yourself. Individual results may vary....

By: Evangeline

Evangeline — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 09:48:31 -0800

I don't like Scrubs - it's in love with its own preciousness. And I don't like Braff's acting, because he sacrifices truth for cute. I never saw Garden State, and I have no intention of seeing it. But I have to ask, is there more to this story? Here we have a mediocre young actor who committed the sin of hubris, apparently. That happens a lot. Hell, it even happens to mature actors - Jodi Foster in Nell, perhaps? I'm not defending Zach Braff because I'm a good person who gives others the benefit of the doubt. Look, I WANT to hate. Just give me a good reason.

By: monkeyx-uk

monkeyx-uk — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 10:24:30 -0800

Scrubs has its moments and I enjoyed Garden State given the fact its a small art house film trying to express something rather than just another car-chase-hot-chicks-in-tight-leather-mega-explosions-ooh-politicians-are-evil-america-uber-alles shit flick. I don't get this site. If ZB (as he liked to be called when we spoon) was particularly hubristic or something annoying above the general herd, say more annoying than that guy who keeps getting his cock out in the green rooms wherever I am these days, I would get it - put the cunt down as my gangster father from the docklands would say if he existed. If he was even, say, a moralistic twat or way too "messagey", then I would find some amusement in subverting the two-bit do-gooding motherfucker and bring him down a peg or two into the gutter with the rest of us. As it is he's a middle road actor with a moderate ego size (for an actor) and average exposure. It seems Mr. Internet hasn't picked its target for maximum wit and truthiness (die Colbert you wanker for giving us that word). Now I need a lie down.

By: athenian

athenian — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 10:31:17 -0800

If these aren't Braff quotes, he should be suing for libel. Particularly the Holocaust one.

By: lodurr

lodurr — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 11:03:57 -0800

People often get a bug up their butt about some particular celebrity for no obvious reason. Maybe he read some interview with Braff while he was promoting Garden State. Maybe he's Braff's old college lover and he feels slighted. Maybe he and his buddies were getting stoned one night and they started making up Zack Braff quotes and they just seemed SO FUCKING FUNNY and now memory of teh funey so strongly imprinted on their consciousness through the magic of weed that they can't see just how dumb most of this shit sounds. Anyway, I liked him on Arrested Development as the "Girls With Low Self Esteem" video entrepreneur (and closet Never-Nude).

By: nowonmai

nowonmai — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 11:16:47 -0800

I'm finding this a little hard to understand, since I have never previously heard of this Braff character. I gather that it is now hilarious to, for example, refer to black people as "monkeys", if you append the words "Zach" and "Braff"? We can do better than this. "This shit shouldn't be on MetaFilter; also, it's clearly a self-link." - Zach Braff on 67781.

By: miss lynnster

miss lynnster — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 11:36:41 -0800

Latest Zach Braff news in NY Mag: What with the wintry weather, and fashion folks being so skinny, there was much discussion of how to stay warm at last night's party for fashion magazine Fanzine137 and Rodarte held at the Park. "I think you need a lover over the winter because then you can get snowed in," said Leelee Sobieski. Does she have one? "No. You've got to be choosy. Life is too short." Her BFF Arden Wohl, who had been talking with Chloë Sevigny, agreed. It has to be the right lover, she said. "Some men are kissing monsters! They do this" (she stuck out her tongue) "or they do this" (she stuck out her tongue and wiggled it around) "but all you want is a smooth French!" We asked her who the bad Frencher was. "Some guy!" she shouted. No, really, who? Finally, Wohl told us. "Zach Braff! Zach Braff is a bad kisser!" No word on her experiences snogging with Chuck Norris, however.

By: Astro Zombie

Astro Zombie — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 11:50:00 -0800

Chuck Norris doesn't kiss. He punches you with his tongue.

By: shownomercy

shownomercy — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 12:23:34 -0800

For a second I respected this guy as a comedian. Then I realized it was parody.

By: mrgrimm

mrgrimm — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 12:33:11 -0800

Fail. I liked him on Arrested Development too. Garden State was overrated, but not horrible at all. Natalie Portman is cute. Perhaps the hate comes from the fact that Mr. Braff fucks a lot more hot chicks (e.g. Mandy Moore, etc.) than the creator of this site. Shrug.

By: muteh

muteh — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 16:11:14 -0800

The real problem seems to be that the jokes are split between the "Zach Braff thinks he's God" jokes and the "lets be as offensive as we can and get away with it by saying that Zach said it and then it's satire and funny" *things*. The first set I don't find that funny (but on a par with the Chuck lines I guess), the second disgust me the more I see...

By: uncanny hengeman

uncanny hengeman — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 00:11:03 -0800

Needs more Jack Handey It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

By: From Bklyn

From Bklyn — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 04:45:34 -0800

Bob: My co-stars aren't bad actors, but they're no Zach Braff. Charotte: Okay.

By: ersatz

ersatz — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 08:33:46 -0800

"But I'm alive." - Zach Braff on Friedrich Nietzsche I Foody: this one is at least clever. ersatz: Yeah, Nietzsche did also write while he was alive. I'm pretty sure the joke there is that you're supposed to silently add Nietzsche's famous line, "God is dead" yourself. Individual results may vary.... I know. If you read it as "Braff pwnz God", as I did, a bigger part of Nietzsche's quote makes Braff's invented quote fall flat on its face. If you read it as "Braff can substitute God", meh. God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives: who will wipe this blood off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become gods simply to appear worthy of it?

By: hincandenza

hincandenza — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 16:08:46 -0800

God is dead, but that plate of beans is very much alive...

By: bovious

bovious — Mon, 31 Dec 2007 11:10:38 -0800

Wow, he's kind of like Sarah Silverman minus the sweater puppies. Which means there's nothing interesting whatsoever about it.

By: petersn1

petersn1 — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 17:19:15 -0800

"It would be funnier if it was funny."Now THAT's funny!!!