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How to grow and maintain the perfect handlebar moustache.
December 29, 2007 3:11 PM   Subscribe

A hirsute appendage of the upper lip, with graspable extremities. The perfect moustache grows only on the upper lip. You may choose a pomade of wax to assist in daily maintenance. In the early stages of growth, before the moustache is properly trained, you may choose to use a moustache cup in polite soup-eating company. After months of patience, you will be entitled to join the brotherhood, compete at national and international level, raise money for charity and serve your country in the most difficult circumstances.
posted by baggymp (51 comments total) 9 users marked this as a favorite

 
I got a vintage moustache mug for Christmas. It has a dude with a moustache on one side and the name JOHN in big letters on the back.

My name is not John. Partly because of this, the mug is awesome.

I thought you all should know this.
posted by middleclasstool at 3:13 PM on December 29, 2007


Most facial hair on men makes me want to vomit. Visceral aversion, especially if there is any Snidely Whiplash/Salvador Dali playing going on. Mountain men hair piles, dudes who don't know the 70's are over sportin' the Fu Manchu's and Burt Reynolds Mr. Machismo gag-o-licious snot catchers...so many ways to go wrong with facial hair. *shudder*
posted by 45moore45 at 3:43 PM on December 29, 2007 [1 favorite]


How strange. I was considering putting together a beard post this morning when looking in the mirror. Must be the season.
posted by Kickstart70 at 3:46 PM on December 29, 2007


It looks like I got there by a whisker.
posted by baggymp at 3:51 PM on December 29, 2007 [1 favorite]


Also, were it not for my wife and child, I would trade places with Sam Elliott for hair-related reasons alone.
posted by middleclasstool at 3:53 PM on December 29, 2007




so many ways to go wrong with facial hair. *shudder*

there are many ways to go wrong, but the dudes in that video have it right.

also, i second Sam Elliott as a counterexample. he didnt have a mustache in we were soldiers, and it just wasnt the same. there was an immediate 37% drop in badass quotient -- which still leaves him comfortably within the top-99th percentile of badass, but it's more about the principle of the thing.

also the movie itself didn't help much
posted by spiderwire at 4:00 PM on December 29, 2007


I have a John Waters-style mustache, and I make no apologies.
posted by Astro Zombie at 4:00 PM on December 29, 2007


It's not the mustache John Waters has to apologize for. It's Pink Flamingos.
posted by hifiparasol at 4:02 PM on December 29, 2007 [2 favorites]


Two words:
Supper Saver.
posted by not_on_display at 4:05 PM on December 29, 2007


But what does Astro Zombie 3 have?
posted by yhbc at 4:13 PM on December 29, 2007


But what does Astro Zombie 3 have?

haHA! no pants.
posted by spiderwire at 4:15 PM on December 29, 2007


Thanks for the moustache post! I discovered the Handlebar Club website a couple of weeks ago and it brought me much delight. I'm in the process of growing something with "graspable extremities" right now. My wife is fine with it as long as I don't twist it and laugh like a villain. Of course, like any true villain, this only makes me want to do it more.
posted by vansly at 4:16 PM on December 29, 2007


Of note of the awesomeness for Sam Elliots mustache-

The coen brothers found it most useful for redubbing his lines in the Big Lebowski, as it covered the majority of his lip movement, made it so they could move the lines around however they cared, and still have it look matched up.
posted by mrzarquon at 4:43 PM on December 29, 2007 [2 favorites]


Also, you can make them out of gummi.
posted by verb at 4:43 PM on December 29, 2007


My father, a Pole, had a Lech Walesa style soup-strainer all the time I can remember (he grew it when I was three or four), but I don't feel any genetic push in that direction, and my dear wife would doubtless leave me if I did.

I know that beards are meant to be coming back in, but I'm not sure I'll be able to partake, partly because of wifely disapproval, and partly because growing anything longer than a very short beard makes me look like Brian Blessed. I'm currently sporting a natty annual-leave-beard which will be disappearing on 7 January when I go back to work.
posted by athenian at 4:43 PM on December 29, 2007


Men love a good 'stache. For a while last month I decided to sport the Hulk Hogan style horseshoe mustache. The difference of opinion between the sexes was...pronounced, to say the least.
posted by Roman Graves at 4:52 PM on December 29, 2007


My late brother-in-law was an outlaw biker, an ex-con and a dead ringer for Sam Elliot. When you drank with him, he gave off the same 'I'm a pretty fine fellow, but if you fuck with me I'll make you wish your parents had never met, and it won't make no nevermind to me at all' vibe that makes Sam Elliott such a bad motherfucker.

And the mustache is a big part of that. I've sported a regular stache, a Seth Bullock fumanchu, and currently a bushy goatee. Without facial hair, I have a face like a lugubrious geek, with the fuzz, I look like a grown man. It's the ultimate male signifier.
posted by jonmc at 5:12 PM on December 29, 2007




Oh Christ, the "ultimate male signifier"? You mean for the ones insecure enough not to know they are men already, right? Ugh.
posted by 45moore45 at 5:39 PM on December 29, 2007


ultimate male signifier

There is one better, but they throw you in jail if you wax it up and twist on the end in public.
posted by eriko at 5:44 PM on December 29, 2007 [4 favorites]




Most facial hair on men makes me want to vomit. Visceral aversion, especially if there is any Snidely Whiplash/Salvador Dali playing going on. Mountain men hair piles, dudes who don't know the 70's are over sportin' the Fu Manchu's and Burt Reynolds Mr. Machismo gag-o-licious snot catchers...so many ways to go wrong with facial hair. *shudder*


Bonus points for women who hate facial hair on their men.
posted by wfc123 at 5:44 PM on December 29, 2007


Oh Christ, the "ultimate male signifier"? You mean for the ones insecure enough not to know they are men already, right? Ugh.

As noted, the mustache can make it hard to notice when someone is speaking tongue-in-cheek. That's a feature, actually.
posted by spiderwire at 5:52 PM on December 29, 2007 [2 favorites]


Mustaches of the Nineteenth Century. The one-stop blog spot for your Nineteenth Century Mustache needs!
posted by Horace Rumpole at 5:54 PM on December 29, 2007


45moore45: don't be fucking dense.

(and FWIW, generally women find me more attractive with the facial foliage.)
posted by jonmc at 5:58 PM on December 29, 2007


dudes who don't know the 70's are over

The 1970s may be over, but the mustache lives on. I for one long for a return to the fashions of the 1870s. That was an age with some facial hair style. Strangely, the 1770s were even more clean-shaven than today. Perhaps these things go in cycles of centuries?

For what it's worth, women and men both seem to like my mountain man beard phases, but I haven't gotten much positive female feedback from my now-gone-but-preserved-in-profile-pic mustache phase. It'll just have to wait for more favorable times, I suppose.
posted by bepe at 6:07 PM on December 29, 2007


don't be fucking dense.

Well...you are kinda making yourself sound like one of those fellas who thinks masculinity grows on your face. Sam Elliot isn't a hardass because he has a mustache, he has a mustache because he's a hardass.
posted by Roman Graves at 6:18 PM on December 29, 2007


Well...you are kinda making yourself sound like one of those fellas who thinks masculinity grows on your face.

Well, growing a stache won't make you more masculine, but it can make you look more masculine. Plus theres the added bonus that I can taste whatever I had for lunch for the rest of the day. Mmmm, BBQ chips.
posted by jonmc at 6:22 PM on December 29, 2007


Yeah, looking in the mirror I much prefer myself with facial hair then without, fortunately my wife tolerates me. On some it doesn't work that well, but I say don't fear the hair. People seem so downright mean when it comes to how they want others to look.
posted by edgeways at 6:26 PM on December 29, 2007


People seem so downright mean when it comes to how they want others to look.

as a wise man once said:

Im tryin' hard to be just how I am
but everybody wants you to be just like them

(and everybody likes to think they're the exception to that rule, but there are no exceptions)
posted by jonmc at 6:37 PM on December 29, 2007


In India, well over 90% of men have that identical caterpillar mustache. On my last trip, my brother in law and I decided we'd grow them. Our wives were not amused.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 6:56 PM on December 29, 2007


Our office did a Movember fundraiser. We raised over $11,000 in the fight against prostate cancer. What surprised me the most was - after a month of watching all the guys grow facial hair, how sad I was to see them all looking shaved & corporate again.

Call me a 'stache convert.
posted by Space Kitty at 6:57 PM on December 29, 2007


dudes who don't know the 70's are over

I know. They should join the current era, when men either look like the just came off the farm, their mother dressed them, or they just got out of jail.
posted by Astro Zombie at 7:01 PM on December 29, 2007 [2 favorites]


If beards are coming back, does that mean we can finally get rid of the ultimate geek badge, the goatee? (Sorry jonmc et al., but after staring at rooms of full of be-goateed software dudes for too many years, I'd love to see something, anything, else.)
posted by maxwelton at 7:21 PM on December 29, 2007


It took me until 2005 to realize the 70s were over. I look at pictures of myself from then and all I can see is that mustache. That I thought I looked good then will be used against me some day, I'm sure of it.
posted by tommasz at 7:24 PM on December 29, 2007


I've had a few moustaches in my day, and I got a LOT more eye contact from black and latina women-folk. Rowr! As for 45moore45, pfft, you seem like a killjoy extraordinaire. I'd grow a moustache just to warn off women like you, if I weren't already married to the goddess-catch of the century. Nyeh.
posted by Scoo at 7:42 PM on December 29, 2007


maxwelton: the only reason I do the goatee is that on my cheeks the hair is patchy, which just looks sloppy.
posted by jonmc at 8:00 PM on December 29, 2007


I'm thirty-five years of age, male, and I cannot grow a mustache. I thought you all should know this.
posted by Wizzle at 8:23 PM on December 29, 2007


I came up with what I call the Fu-ManChin (cheezy Paint version here.)

I haven't had the guts to try it out, but I've never seen this style yet. If anyone has any pictures of this done in reality, I'd love to see. I think it'd be wicked!

Over the holidays, I've just let shit grow, and now I've got a neckbeard and all (usually just burns and goatee)
posted by symbioid at 8:36 PM on December 29, 2007 [1 favorite]


Oh, don't worry Scoo, I am sure your personality is enough to ward off the women with or without the hair.
posted by 45moore45 at 9:00 PM on December 29, 2007


I've been told I should shave. But I like a beard, or whatever you got that thing growing on my face.
posted by nola at 9:03 PM on December 29, 2007


call*
posted by nola at 9:06 PM on December 29, 2007




The link to Moustache Cups goes to shave mugs, which are a totally different beast and are meant to creat lather from shaving soaps.

These are moustache cups.
posted by hindmost at 9:19 PM on December 29, 2007


I have a beard and mustache, someone either yell at me or like me.
posted by Divine_Wino at 9:44 PM on December 29, 2007 [1 favorite]


I LIKE THE CUT OF YOUR JIB
posted by spiderwire at 9:46 PM on December 29, 2007


but I haven't gotten much positive female feedback from my now-gone-but-preserved-in-profile-pic mustache phase

Just want to say that's one hell of a damned fine moustache you had there.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 10:59 PM on December 29, 2007


I like beards, nice trimmed beards. Van Dyke beards are excellent. Riker rocked with his beard. I don't like badger beards, but hey, it's your head. I'll just comment on it. If I were a man I would have a beard. It's been so long since I've seen a moustache (apart from some movember nightmares) that I don't know if I'd like them now, but I had some ferocious crushes on men with established moustaches when I was young and dewy.
posted by h00py at 2:43 AM on December 30, 2007


Now if these guys wore a fedora...
posted by Jahaza at 4:07 AM on December 30, 2007


Oh, don't worry Scoo, I am sure your personality is enough to ward off the women with or without the hair.

Pot, kettle, etc. LOLZ.
posted by Scoo at 7:51 AM on December 30, 2007


dudes who don't know the 70's are over

45moore45, you are the worst kind of anti-facial-hair blowhard: the short-sighted, ahistorical person who believes that moustaches were an unfortunate aberration of the 20th century, rather than a beautiful fashion tradition carried through the generations.

Moustaches have been around since before you were conceived, moustaches will remain long after you're dead and buried in your lonely bald-lipped grave.
posted by Greg Nog at 10:26 AM on December 30, 2007 [1 favorite]


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