FSTDT Top 100

January 13, 2008 11:45 PM

Top 100 quotes by fundies.

Hopefully, you will enjoy these more than you enjoyed Zach Braff saying equally ignorant things.

posted by KingoftheWhales (42 comments total)

Fail!
posted by mr_roboto at 11:53 PM on January 13, 2008

Gravity: Doesn't exist. If items of mass had any impact of others, then mountains should have people orbiting them. Or the space shuttle in space should have the astronauts orbiting it. Of course, that's just the tip of the gravity myth. Think about it. Scientists want us to believe that the sun has a gravitation pull strong enough to keep a planet like neptune or pluto in orbit, but then it's not strong enough to keep the moon in orbit? Why is that? What I believe is going on here is this: These objects in space have yet to receive mans touch, and thus have no sin to weigh them down. This isn't the case for earth, where we see the impact of transfered sin to material objects. The more sin, the heavier something is.

I'm sorry, but this has value as entertainment.
posted by KingoftheWhales at 11:56 PM on January 13, 2008 [3 favorites]

This is the first videoclip anyone ever sent me on the internet. Even before the exploding whale: Pinky the cat.

Still makes me laugh after all these years.
posted by freshwater_pr0n at 11:57 PM on January 13, 2008 [11 favorites]

Ah, Pinky! You crazy fucking cat!
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:16 AM on January 14, 2008

I love Pinky! Whoa, Pinky! Whoa! Settle down, bud!
posted by Krrrlson at 12:18 AM on January 14, 2008

Pinky doesn't believe in gravity either, and he's a more effective cat for it.
posted by maryh at 12:18 AM on January 14, 2008

[mwwwerrww mwwweerwww mwweeeeowww]
posted by Krrrlson at 12:18 AM on January 14, 2008

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
posted by Krrrlson at 12:18 AM on January 14, 2008

I have a hard time believing some of these aren't fake. I mean, seriously?

One of the most basic laws in the universe is the Second Law of Thermodynamics. This states that as time goes by, entropy in an environment will increase. Evolution argues differently against a law that is accepted EVERYWHERE BY EVERYONE. Evolution says that we started out simple, and over time became more complex. That just isn't possible: UNLESS there is a giant outside source of energy supplying the Earth with huge amounts of energy. If there were such a source, scientists would certainly know about it. [emphasis added]
posted by Mitrovarr at 12:22 AM on January 14, 2008

The entropy thing is a favorite creationist argument.

I swear I've read the argument that weight is caused by sin elsewhere before, too.
posted by empath at 12:28 AM on January 14, 2008

If you mean that men have ever been animals you are 100 percent wrong. No evidence under the sun can prove that I was ever my pet cat. ET can happen within a species but not between species.

I dunno... this guy sounds like he could have been Pinky in a past life.
posted by Krrrlson at 12:32 AM on January 14, 2008

Holy carp. That is one patient animal control officer. I wonder what set Pinky off?
posted by PareidoliaticBoy at 12:37 AM on January 14, 2008

6) Evolutionists put their faith in flawed dating techniques.

well, that much is twoo. Time to join 24-hr Fitness mebbe . . .
posted by panamax at 12:46 AM on January 14, 2008

The third quote, the one that starts "just recently my son Bobby came out to me" is super depressing.
posted by Kattullus at 12:49 AM on January 14, 2008 [1 favorite]

The entropy thing is a favorite creationist argument.

Yes, but I've never seen a version that hit itself in the face with the correct counterargument before. Maybe they only thought about the question at night?
posted by George_Spiggott at 12:51 AM on January 14, 2008

I love this clip so much. The animal control officer shows such composure. He's a champion, and you can tell that he's been in some tough situations before. Even as the stupid TV lady flails with a cardboard cat carrier, he croons, calmly, "Get a catchpole." As chaos descends upon him, he keeps up that singsong voice.
posted by freshwater_pr0n at 1:02 AM on January 14, 2008

I somehow never saw the Pinky video until now. My ribs ache from my feeble attempts to stifle my laughter.
posted by zippy at 1:05 AM on January 14, 2008

FSTDT is awesome, thanks for posting it.
posted by Pope Guilty at 1:12 AM on January 14, 2008

Well. This has certainly advanced the discussion...
posted by chasing at 1:13 AM on January 14, 2008

I am a bit troubled. I believe my son has a girlfriend, because she left a dirty magazine with men in it under his bed. My son is only 16 and I really don't think he's ready to date yet. What's worse is that he's sneaking some girl to his room behind my back. I need help, God! I want my son to stop being so secretive!

Oh god it burns it burns
posted by Pope Guilty at 1:15 AM on January 14, 2008 [3 favorites]

Downloadable Pinky via the internet archive.
posted by zippy at 1:18 AM on January 14, 2008

I really hope those people are just a fringe minority and have no hope of ever gaining any sort of political influence. Or... um... oh wait... now how do I get a permanent residency visa in Whistler?
posted by braksandwich at 1:18 AM on January 14, 2008

"Everyone knows scientists insist on using complex terminology to make it harder for True Christians to refute their claims. ... Deoxyribonucleic Acid, for example... sounds impressive, right? But have you ever seen what happens if you put something in acid? It dissolves! If we had all this acid in our cells, we'd all dissolve! So much for the Theory of Evolution, Check MATE!"

I wonder if this guy does a Wicked Witch of the West impression every time he downs a OJ?
posted by Mitheral at 1:19 AM on January 14, 2008

"God revealed to me two things about the timing of the rapture. God specifically told me 2007 was the year, because I was only going to have from 3 to 3 1/2 years to spread the message after my book was published. Shelby Corbitt, 2007rapture.com [Comments (206)] [2008-Jan-01] "

And dang it I missed the Rapture. You would have thought someone would have posted it to the front page. Or was it deleted for being newsfiltery LOLXtians?
posted by Mitheral at 1:56 AM on January 14, 2008

Alternate title: 100 top reasons I quit going to church.

If only Chris Rock would do something similar to his "Ignant Niggahs" tirade, only about ignant fundies. Some of this stuff is stupid/funny. Some is ignorant and scary. Some of these fundy freaks sit around all day making shit up to assure each other how right they are, and how obvious it is that everyone else is wrong.

Personally, I find a god who understands perfectly well the nature of particle physics far more awesome than one who just uses 'magical' powers. These idiots detract from their own god. But it is to be expected, by the very nature of "fundamentalism".

Fundies are infantile. They are stuck in a rut where they refuse to accept anything more solid than the barest of the essentials of their religion. If you try to introduce anything remotely sophisticated, they run away, screaming about the devil. Their pastors are often no better.

If I suggest to you: My god is a real god, and deals in the reality that we can see and measure, and understand. When reality questions the Bible, I don't need to be upset about that. The Bible is not God. Billions of galaxies, billions of years old? No problem, and I'm sure He could, if He wished, provide the exact masses of each, and the count of their stars and planets.

The real universe is it's own awesome tribute to the glory of its maker, one far more impressive than the silly, simplistic notions these numbskulls would have you believe.
posted by Goofyy at 2:09 AM on January 14, 2008 [3 favorites]

God already punished that goddamn site by fux0ring it ! Atheist fail at the internet !
posted by elpapacito at 2:15 AM on January 14, 2008

(Self-link...)

VISUALIZE THE FUNDIES IN THEIR UNDIES

ANTI-ESTABLISHMENT HIPPIE TROUBLEMAKERS RULE [w/cross]

THE LOUDER THE SHOUT, THE BIGGER THE DOUBT

THOU SHALT THINK FOR THYSELF

FUNDAMENTALISTS HAVE ALL OF THE ANSWERS AND NONE OF THE QUESTIONS
posted by ZenMasterThis at 3:40 AM on January 14, 2008

[...]The only thing I don't like about them is they sell foreign language versions of the KJB. I don't think that's right. We know the only true translation is the 1600's version in English.

It's too risky for anybody to translate that into other languages. Mistakes can creep in... and that can lead to heresy. True Christians should only read English.[...]

[...]If your original Hebrew disagrees with my original King James --- your original Hebrew is wrong. If your original Hebrew agrees with my original King James, your original Hebrew is right.[...]

That's one thing I actually never understood. If I were a devout Christian and tried to follow the Holy Bible to the letter I certainly would try to read it in the original version. Especially when it comes to things like the camel and the eye of a needle, which seems to be a mistranslation from the Greek version; or the "thou shalt not suffer a witch to live" verse which originally referred to poisoners.
And I simply can't continue to read the list after that, it gets too depressing.
posted by PontifexPrimus at 4:01 AM on January 14, 2008

Yeah that was pretty awesome
posted by poppo at 4:11 AM on January 14, 2008

You know, that quote database of fundamentalist Christian inanity is great but I'm having a hard time seeing the connection between it and this post about a cat called Pinky.
posted by motty at 4:15 AM on January 14, 2008

That is one patient animal control officer

IANAACO, but I have to deal with some pretty rowdy, out-of-hand dogs at the shelter where I volunteer -- and they're usually the big ones, like a 90-lb. pit bull who thinks I'm the best chew toy he ever encountered -- but somebody has to try to remain calm in that kind of sitch, so it might as well be the human. Not an easy thing when the critter in question is moving around violently and inflicting painful damage on your tender li'l bod, but hey.
posted by pax digita at 4:18 AM on January 14, 2008

Oh, and...as for fundies: Jesus employed parables when he really needed to make a point to his listeners, and the thing about parables is, you have to ponder them a bit to understand them. Fundamentalist religion isn't about pondering; it's about simplistic blind obedience. I doubt that this level of stupidity is what He meant in Matt. 18:3.
posted by pax digita at 4:24 AM on January 14, 2008

RANDOM ATHIEST: Damn you, Christian! We hate you! We claim to be tolerant of all religions. But we really hate your's! That's because we athiests are hypocritical like that! Die, Christian!
posted by kisch mokusch at 4:53 AM on January 14, 2008

"Apes are just creatures twisted by Satan to mock Jesus by giving EVILolition credibility. Further more they are naturally lust crazed for human women. Since they are not natural creatures they should be exterminated forthwith as the tools of evil they are. "

I think someone has been watching too many black and white Tarzan movies...

And Pinkie still makes me laugh, oh dear...
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 4:59 AM on January 14, 2008

"There is something at the heart of the religious experience that is remarkably resistant to rational inquiry." -- Carl Sagan
posted by pax digita at 5:16 AM on January 14, 2008

If u have sex before marriage then in Gods eyes u are married to that person if a man rapes a woman in Gods eyes they are married it sucks for the girl but what can we do lol

Gods soldier

I wonder if Gods soldier is a Marine from North Carolina. This list started out funny but just got depressing; I would have enjoyed it more if it limited itself to quotes from fundamentalists in the media; you could probably get 100 asinine quotes from Pat Robertson alone.
posted by TedW at 5:33 AM on January 14, 2008

The Bible is not God.
You only say that cuz you're not a fundy. Because to fundies, yeah, the Bible IS God.

Especially when it comes to things like the camel and the eye of a needle, which seems to be a mistranslation from the Greek version
What does the Greek version say? I hadn't heard that before. My understanding of this passage was that fortified towns had gates that were closed at night, and if you arrived at night and wanted to get in, the only option available was a small passage near the gate that was big enough for a person to get through and that was it. The passage was known as the eye of the needle. A person could get through, but not a camel. So the whole point of the remark is that to if you clung to your worldly possessions you could not enter the town.
posted by Doohickie at 5:37 AM on January 14, 2008

I swear I've read the argument that weight is caused by sin elsewhere before, too.

That'd be here.
posted by gnomeloaf at 5:39 AM on January 14, 2008

It seems like a lot of these have got to be satire. I mean, yeah, maybe the entropy argument is a fundie favorite, but I would imagine they phrase it as "entropy always increases", not as "entropy always increases except in the presence of an external power source, and if earth had an external power source that huge, we'd certainly know about it".

And apes lust after human females?

Most polls and the latest research reveal atheists are a sect of Muslims?
posted by Flunkie at 6:11 AM on January 14, 2008

The FSTDT list needs a "this is misattributed" and "this is fake" button. A couple, oddly not the really bizarre ones, are from known parody sites (Westboro Baptist, etc).

I'm as much in favor of LOLFUNDIES as the next snarky atheist, but I'm also enough of a hair splitter that it bugs me when I see fake or misattributed stuff on a LOLFUNDIES site.
posted by sotonohito at 6:26 AM on January 14, 2008

So, you are telling me that ignorant people say ignorant things? On the INTERNET of all places?

At least its only confined to Christians. Everyone else, please continue with your longstanding tradition of factual and insightful message board postings.
posted by uaudio at 6:27 AM on January 14, 2008

This list started out funny but just got depressing.

It's all fun and games until you realize they might outnumber us.
posted by emperor.seamus at 6:28 AM on January 14, 2008