The 100 Greatest Quotes from Fundamentalist Chatrooms

January 14, 2008 2:11 PM

The 100 Greatest Quotes from Fundamentalist Chatrooms (mirror). Includes "Atheists as a Majority," a skit that sounds like it was written by a fundamentalist version of The Office's Michael Scott, as well as the comic gem: "I believe my son has a girlfriend, because she left a dirty magazine with men in it under his bed."

Also contains the gems:

• "Most afflictions like this are caused by sins committed while still inside the womb."
• "If your original Hebrew disagrees with my original King James --- your original Hebrew is wrong. If your original Hebrew agrees with my original King James, your original Hebrew is right."
• "What does a functioning brain have to do with the Bible?"

One quote whose story touched me very deeply — and thus wasn't really LOLish — was a quote from a woman named Betty about her son coming out to her and her reacting poorly to same (no permalinks, but it's #3 on the list at the moment). Her son then took his own life, and she came to her message board seeking compassion and consolement. The mixture of obvious deep compassion and support plays so at odds with the rhetoric necessary for them to console her that she committed no wrong is a ... strange brew that, I think, helps get a peek into that fundamentalist worldview that many people find utterly foreign.

posted by WCityMike (35 comments total)

By the reference to Scott, I was referring to his film script "Threat Level: Midnight!".
posted by WCityMike at 2:12 PM on January 14

double/lolxtians
posted by empath at 2:13 PM on January 14

hastilywrittenresponse/doesntreallytakemucheffort
posted by WCityMike at 2:16 PM on January 14

pot/kettle
posted by jonmc at 2:17 PM on January 14 [1 favorite]

The sites not working for me... also they really need to change their web.config so error messages aren't exposed to users, that's a bit of a security no-no.
posted by Artw at 2:17 PM on January 14

(The mirror works though)
posted by Artw at 2:20 PM on January 14

> The sites not working for me... also they really need to change their web.config so error messages aren't exposed to users, that's a bit of a security no-no.

The mirror is up.
posted by WCityMike at 2:20 PM on January 14

doubleclaimsshouldcomewithURLlinkage/arewetiredofthisformatyetorcanigoonlonger?
posted by aramaic at 2:20 PM on January 14

I'veneverseenthisbeforeonmefi/sometimeslolxtiansisbestoftheweb?
posted by mullingitover at 2:21 PM on January 14

Double.
posted by Wolfdog at 2:22 PM on January 14

Even more irrelevant the second time around.
posted by uaudio at 2:23 PM on January 14

ATHIEST KID: Mom, I'm going to go fuck a hooker.
ATHIEST MOM: Okay, son.
ATHIEST KID: Afterwards, I'm going to go smoke pot with my friends, since it's "not addictive."
ATHIEST MOM: Okay, come home soon!

I smell sitcom!
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:23 PM on January 14 [1 favorite]

Y'all mind if I take a big chunk of this FPP to feed Astro Zombie 3? Unless, you wanted to eat it ...
posted by Astro Zombie at 2:23 PM on January 14

If there is a just God, this will end soon.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 2:23 PM on January 14 [1 favorite]

"A google cache mirror of unattributed "fundies say the darndest things" bites? This is going out of your way to post not much."
posted by NolanRyanHatesMatches at 2:24 PM on January 14

> Double.

Makes you wonder if a deleted post deleted because of insufficient material (and not because of LOLXians), when submitted by a different user with greater description, is still considered a double. (I didn't know it had been submitted before, and the site didn't flag it to me as a double when I submitted it.)
posted by WCityMike at 2:25 PM on January 14

Double post: Doesn't exist. If items of interest had any impact of others, then Metafilter should have people posting them. Of course, that's just the tip of the double myth. Think about it.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:25 PM on January 14

I just stopped by to hear Astro Zombie 3 go, "Narf".
posted by rockhopper at 2:26 PM on January 14

This is still a shitty post.
posted by mr_roboto at 2:26 PM on January 14

That one about sins comitted while in the womb took place on a message board I frequent. The guy was entirely serious and it was in no way taken out of context.

The story does have a happy ending though. After much argumentation about his assinine views he has since given up his fundie ways and is well on the way to becoming a decent human being.
posted by Riemann at 2:26 PM on January 14

ATHIEST KID: Mom, I'm going to go fuck a hooker.
ATHIEST MOM: Okay, son.

Man, that's the athiest family I've ever heard of!
posted by dersins at 2:27 PM on January 14 [2 favorites]

Boy, we love our memes, don't we? Anything that's critical of the more outrageous forms of Christianity in a humorous way gets posted as a FPP, we have people hopping all over the place going, "Yay! I had a 'LOLXian FPPs SUCK!' snark I've been saving for just such an occasion!" It could never actually be an interesting or touching post. Perhaps it could be considered fundamentalist Metafilterism?
posted by WCityMike at 2:28 PM on January 14 [3 favorites]

"I believe my son has a girlfriend, because she left a dirty magazine with men in it under his bed."

So, if he found some bestiality porn under the bed, he'd natuarally assume his son had a pet.
posted by jonmc at 2:31 PM on January 14 [2 favorites]

If there is a just God, this will end soon.

well that surpasses my add definition of soon... NO JUST GOD FOR YOU!!
posted by edgeways at 2:33 PM on January 14

It is the love I have for my Chicago brethren that leads me to suggest that maybe, Mike, you step away from the FPP and stop defending it. The follow-up link on Betty doesn't do much to ratchet down the LOLXIANS vibe that doomed this post's first iteration.
posted by Terminal Verbosity at 2:34 PM on January 14

last!
posted by shmegegge at 2:36 PM on January 14

"Yay! I had a 'LOLXian FPPs SUCK!' snark I've been saving for just such an occasion!" It could never actually be an interesting or touching post. Perhaps it could be considered fundamentalist Metafilterism?

I didn't mind the post, but that right there is not the best way to respond to people not liking your post. I don't think people here are quite so inclined towards the knee-jerk reaction as you seem to assume.
posted by emperor.seamus at 2:36 PM on January 14

Say what you will about the fundies, I bet they arn't relying on a series of caches and mirrors to keep their content up...

Does anyone know if the "only the English bible counts" meme is actually a common one amongst the fundy/evangelical set? That's just... weird.
posted by Artw at 2:36 PM on January 14

Yeah, where the fuck is our "narf"?
posted by Item at 2:37 PM on January 14

Last NARF.
posted by Astro Zombie 3 at 2:37 PM on January 14

Last comment.
posted by ericb at 2:38 PM on January 14

Ouch. Mike. Dude. Man. Yeah. ::sigh::
posted by The Deej at 2:40 PM on January 14

Are these people really Xtians? I mean, it is pretty LOLish.
posted by wilful at 2:40 PM on January 14

When the Rapture comes, this post will be reborn, again!
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:41 PM on January 14

I do feel sorry for that woman and her son, though. If her side of her exchange is to be believed, then it sounds like (ignorant though her views are), she at least tried to let him know that she and God loved the kid. And despite being as honest and loving as she could be, he offs himself, and she's left holding the tatters, knowing that she's the reason he's dead.

There's a local woman who started an educational non-profit after her daughter committed suicide under pretty much exactly these same conditions.
posted by middleclasstool at 2:41 PM on January 14