"When you're a Scientologist, and you drive by an accident, you know you have to do something about it, because you know you're the only one who can really help... We are the way to happiness. We can bring peace and unite cultures."
1) Yes, nutjobby.
2) Christians say the exact same thing.
3) conclusion omitted for student edification posted by DU at 11:50 AM on January 15 [6 favorites]
I find that firemen are superior to Scientologists when it comes to helping accident victims. posted by aerotive at 11:51 AM on January 15 [54 favorites]
Imagine how grand it would be to be assisted by a fireman who was also a Scientologist. posted by mr_crash_davis at 11:52 AM on January 15 [11 favorites]
I find that bovines are superior to Scientologists when it comes to quality bullshit. posted by CautionToTheWind at 11:52 AM on January 15 [13 favorites]
mr_crash_davistyped"Imagine how grand it would be to be assisted by a fireman who was also a Scientologist."
I'm guessing this is a promotional video for young tologists? He says the same thing over and over, let's get it done, let's do it, let's do this, going to do this, I've got to do this, doing this, it's going to be done by us, and I wish I could take a vacation, but I've got to do this. posted by cavalier at 11:58 AM on January 15
Woah, didn't get to the end yet, so he won a tologist award at a tologist award show? Neat. I'm hoping his produciton company kept the rights to the M:I theme they kept humming... posted by cavalier at 12:01 PM on January 15
Jesus Christ L Ron Hubbard, what an asshole. posted by grubi at 12:02 PM on January 15 [13 favorites]
This is great! Scientology is going to be destroyed by this guy, single handed. posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 12:02 PM on January 15
Scientologists are the only ones who can help at an accident scene? So I can just sail on past with impunity, because those suckers have to wait for a Scientologist? Wow, I didn't know that - why did nobody ever tell me before? Now I no longer need to waste my time helping those in need, because I know Tom Cruise and his Merry Robots will do it. Thanks, Tom Cruise! posted by andraste at 12:02 PM on January 15
Poor Cruise, not able to take a vacation - wait a fucking second - he wouldn't lie to us, would he? posted by item at 12:05 PM on January 15
The 4-second looping Mission Impossible theme is driving ME nuts. posted by itchylick at 12:06 PM on January 15 [2 favorites]
Amazing: he's actually less coherent than Hasselhoff in the cheeseburger video. posted by uncleozzy at 12:06 PM on January 15 [2 favorites]
I just saw this posted on "The Onion AV Club"...
Quick question: why are AV Club comments so retarded, given the general intelligence of the AV Club? Like, what's with the entire "First comment l00z0rs!" bullshit?
Interesting link, by the way. posted by KokuRyu at 12:08 PM on January 15
Wow. He sure uses lots of words to say absolutely nothing. posted by mr_roboto at 12:08 PM on January 15 [4 favorites]
It was sooooo (yawn....) boring! posted by WaterSprite at 12:08 PM on January 15
I think this is why the WGA gave United Artists a waiver: by giving Tom Cruise writers, we are saved from watching him extemporize, thus saving our brains from exploding. posted by RakDaddy at 12:08 PM on January 15 [3 favorites]
Now is the time. Don't pretend you know it. Know it. [maniacal laugh] They won't come up to me. They won't do it. Not to my face. There's that moment, you know? And I don't care. I'm carrying my load. You're either in or you're out. [maniacal laugh] Do it. Do it and do it right. It's rough and tumble. I do what I can and I do it all the way. There's nothing part of the way. [maniacal laugh] posted by hojoki at 12:10 PM on January 15 [8 favorites]
Respect the cock! And tame the cunt! Tame it! Take it on headfirst with the skills that I will teach you at work and say no! You will not control me! No! You will not take my soul! No! You will not win this game! Because it's a game, guys. You want to think it's not, huh? You want to think it's not? Go back to the schoolyard and you have that crush on big-titted Mary Jane. Respect the cock. You are embedding this thought. I am the one who's in charge. I am the one who says yes! No! Now! Here! Because it's universal, man. It is evolutional. It is anthropological. It is biological. It is animal. We... are... men! posted by item at 12:14 PM on January 15 [18 favorites]
Meh. Nick Denton's breathless YOU MUST WATCH THIS pageviews plz above-the-fold exhortion was more lulzy than the Cruise schlepping for Scientology. posted by NolanRyanHatesMatches at 12:14 PM on January 15
Holy crap, ignoring the kind of crazy aspect of it...the level of clarity and confusion that seems to be evident in most of this so far reeeeaaaaally reminds of of some GWB speeches.
The 4-second looping Mission Impossible theme is driving ME nuts.
itchylick, I think that's part of their cult techniques to break the viewer's will. A few more hours of that and we'd all be card carrying members. posted by Hugonaut at 12:18 PM on January 15
Scientology will never call itself what it actually is, an bastard child of the self-actualization approach to psychology, just one of the stranger forms of the Human Potential Movement mixed with a dash of sci-fi futurism and a pyramid scheme to boot. It's EST or the Forum with aliens. But it's not a fucking religion, and it shouldn't be tax exempt. posted by tula at 12:20 PM on January 15 [5 favorites]
For what it's worth, I happened to mention Cruise one day to my kid that works in Hollywood, and the kid says, "he's an interesting guy".
Evidently my son, while doing some business in Hollywood, had the opportunity to do a private screening of a movie with Tom Cruise. Just my kid, his business partner, Cruise, and his wife, sitting in a theater on a movie lot watching and discussing the 2 hour movie.
My first question was, "Is he as crazy as he appears to be?", my kid's response was "He may be one of the smartest people that I've met in the movie business . He's the only person I've ever encountered who, when you walk into a room he's in, has a palpable energy."
This was from someone who isn't all that impressed with the star quality, he deals with that on a regular basis. So, I don't know how to put that impression alongside the somewhat odd stuff that we see and hear, but I know I trust my son's opinions about people...
It will be interesting to see what the future holds as regards this individual. posted by HuronBob at 12:20 PM on January 15 [7 favorites]
na na na na na na na na BAT-MAN, I mean LEA-DER posted by DU at 12:21 PM on January 15 [18 favorites]
Crazy as shithouse rats. posted by everichon at 12:23 PM on January 15
I think if a Scientologist stops to help out an accident victim, they're really just trying to scoop up the body thetans. posted by ninjew at 12:23 PM on January 15 [4 favorites]
I'm just glad he reminded me of how much I like to romp and play when I'm on vacation.
Seriously, who talks like that except for an OT? posted by tittergrrl at 12:25 PM on January 15
I think he means well... posted by zeoslap at 12:25 PM on January 15
In other LOLSPACENUTS news I heard Will Smith, fresh off of an awful adaption of "I Am Legend" which completely missed the point, has just turned scientologist... posted by Artw at 12:27 PM on January 15 [2 favorites]
A: "Did you hear about that series of illogical comments that occurred involving a Scientology? They turned out to be congruent in some unexpected way!"
B: "Har har! Please excuse me while I breathe spasmodically and become moist!" posted by KevinSkomsvold at 12:33 PM on January 15 [5 favorites]
In other LOLSPACENUTS news I heard Will Smith, fresh off of an awful adaption of "I Am Legend" which completely missed the point, has just turned scientologist...
posted by Artw at 3:27 PM on January 15
His career must be in trouble. I guess that means we can look forward to Bagger Vance 2: The Vancening. posted by Pastabagel at 12:34 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]
I wish there was a more generally recognized standard of coherence. All those batman sound-effects didn't really persuade me. posted by OmieWise at 12:38 PM on January 15
We're from the government Galactic Confederacy and we're here to help! posted by schoolgirl report at 12:39 PM on January 15
Just to clarify, that's not the Mission Impossible theme, written by my distant cousin, Lalo Schifrin. That's the "We didn't want to pay for the Mission Impossible Theme, and therefore are going to play an identical piece of music that changes a few notes to avoid copyright infringement" theme. posted by Astro Zombie at 12:41 PM on January 15 [10 favorites]
He's about as inarticulate as I imagined he was. posted by The Straightener at 12:44 PM on January 15
The most interesting part to me is when he's talking about people asking him if he's ever "seen an SP". For those who don't waste their time reading the (probably fake) OT Auditing procedure manuals, an SP is a "suppressive personality." Most anyone who goes against the church is labeled an "SP". I highly doubt that anyone in the church has not been exposed to someone opposed to church and thus marked SP. So what does that question mean? Well, my understanding is they reveal at higher levels that the person recognized as an SP is not really a person, but more of a projection of some other consciousness, and that a high level OT can actually "see" this in some way. That fact makes the question make a little more sense. But then Tom is like, "duh, yeah!" Maybe because Tom's been OT VIII-XV so long he's forgotten that everyone else can't see the SP.
Or maybe I'm trying to get too much consistency out of a SciFi cult. posted by betaray at 12:45 PM on January 15 [3 favorites]
He reminds me of those Kanamit creatures in the old "Twilight Zone" episode "To Serve Man."
"Mr. Chambers! Mr. Chambers, the first page is just a collection of English words with their own translation. But the rest of the book ... the rest of the book -- it's a cookbook!" posted by blucevalo at 12:46 PM on January 15
I wonder how old this clip is... and the bit about "eventually there might not be any SPs" was the most disturbing part. posted by mrbill at 12:46 PM on January 15
HuronBob lots of crazy narcissistic people have intense charisma. It's often part of the package. Very handy if you want to be a movie star, too. posted by tkchrist at 12:48 PM on January 15 [2 favorites]
I love Gawker comments, particularly "I just thetaned in my pants a little." posted by spec80 at 12:50 PM on January 15 [6 favorites]
If you make it to the end, it closes with what appears to be an outtake from Idiocracy in which we learn that Tom Cruise is "IAS Freedom Medal of Valor Winner." That'll look real smart in the foyer hanging next to his Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence.
You know what I don't get about stuff like this? How is it that the indoctrinated don't snap out of it on the strength of the awful production values alone? I mean, if Scientology contains the answers to all of society's ills, how come its holy writ looks like an excercise-equipment infomercial? posted by gompa at 12:52 PM on January 15 [3 favorites]
With weird teeth!
What is the deal with that, exactly? He was born with just one front tooth, and the one next to it was capped, and it ended up looking like they were all shifted over one? posted by StickyCarpet at 12:53 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]
I kind of miss the days when I could explain who Xenu is to new people. Are Scientologists the new Pirates? posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 12:53 PM on January 15
mr_roboto: "Wow. He sure uses lots of words to say absolutely nothing."
This is part of what I find so fascinating about Scientology and L Ron Hubbard in particular. When you read transcripts of him talking, it's almost impossible to extract any coherent meaning from his sentences or paragraphs. They're just a flurry of dangerously bent semantics jarring you out of reasonable thought through this really earnest, faux-learned string of non-sequiturs which your brain follows because it always seems like it should or at least might make some kind of sense. It's like it has negative semantic value.
And over the course of the minutes and hours and weeks that you spend listening to him drone on, your attitudes and assumptions are broken up into a cluttered mess of pieces, that are slowly shaped towards a a lifestyle that suits the Church - and you're glad because they're "fixing" you. posted by Drexen at 12:55 PM on January 15 [18 favorites]
Dear Richard Linklater,
A satire of Scientology directed by you and starring a manic Ethan Hawke would be hilarious. Please consider.
The reason they will defeat us is that they are too boring for us to really care about until it's too late. posted by hermitosis at 12:58 PM on January 15 [4 favorites]
Metafilter: just a flurry of dangerously bent semantics jarring you out of reasonable thought through this really earnest, faux-learned string of non-sequiturs which your brain follows because it always seems like it should or at least might make some kind of sense. posted by Astro Zombie at 12:58 PM on January 15 [2 favorites]
Translation:
KSW = "keeping scientology working"
out-ethics = not following the rules
put in ethics = enforce discipline on another or on self
PTS/SP = Potential Trouble Source and Suppressive Person (a PTS is "handled", an SP is "disconnected." A "PTS" person is connected to an SP.) posted by monospace at 12:59 PM on January 15 [3 favorites]
Sticky, you need to find The Comment. Sorry I can't help. posted by Kirth Gerson at 12:59 PM on January 15
Will Smith,...has just turned scientologist...
Wow, I guess I missed that. (Obviously celeb gossip is not my thing.)
What's the current theory on the blackmail? The story I've always heard with Cruise is of course that he's gay and either in the closet or just in denial about it, and that's how they got their hooks in him originally; is the assumption that Will Smith is getting the same deal? Or is there something more sinister out there?
Part of me hopes that there are bigger skeletons in the closet besides homosexuality, since it's depressing that being outed would be seen as worse than shacking up with the Scientologists. posted by Kadin2048 at 1:00 PM on January 15
my kid's response was "He may be one of the smartest people that I've met in the movie business .
Don't you have to be some kind of intellectual to go truly bonkers over an ideology? I mean we dont ever hear from high school drop-out objectivists or working class guys walking into the library and askign for Philosophische Untersuchungen. Hell, its an accepted fault that smart people have a high chance of being obsessed with something, thus all the LOTR battle receations done strictly in candy and the Star Trek fanfic that will entually fill up all the internet. posted by damn dirty ape at 1:01 PM on January 15 [2 favorites]
Also its worth mentioning that "the smartest guy in the movie business" could be like saying "Whoa, that's a tall midget." posted by damn dirty ape at 1:02 PM on January 15 [12 favorites]
Regarding the "helping at a car accident" line, my friend had this to say:
"Apparently he's talking about 'touch assists' which are what scientologists do when there's an accident or traumatic event. They even flocked to the scene of the London bombings. They point at or touch the victim with a finger to separate the energy waves or something, and then they hand out pamphlets on healing and scientology. Can you imagine if you got in an accident and Tom Cruise pulled over to perform a 'touch assist'? What in the hell?" posted by emptybowl at 1:02 PM on January 15 [3 favorites]
Or maybe I'm trying to get too much consistency out of a SciFi cult.
You may be trying to get too much consistency out of a SciFi cult...
Either that, or we're ALL SPs. posted by chuckdarwin at 1:04 PM on January 15
Can you imagine if you got in an accident and Tom Cruise pulled over to perform a 'touch assist'?
It's a relief that I don't have to worry about Tom Cruise putting his ethics into me. posted by padraigin at 1:08 PM on January 15 [3 favorites]
Did he say enturbulate? I really want him to say enturbulate...
He might of said it actually but I kept phasing at points. The last time, when I came round I seemed to have bought the Mission Impossible box set. Praise Ron! posted by fearfulsymmetry at 1:09 PM on January 15
touch the victim with a finger to separate the energy waves or something
Troy: Gay? I wish! If I were gay they'd be no problem! No, what I have is a romantic abnormality, one so unbelievable that it must be hidden from the public at all cost. You see...
I might or might not know where The Comment can be found. If, hypothetically speaking, it existed at all. I also might or might not have a gmail address in my profile. posted by Skorgu at 1:18 PM on January 15
HuronBobwrites"My first question was, 'Is he as crazy as he appears to be?', my kid's response was 'He may be one of the smartest people that I've met in the movie business . He's the only person I've ever encountered who, when you walk into a room he's in, has a palpable energy.'"
Smart and high energy doesn't necessarily translate to not crazy. posted by krinklyfig at 1:19 PM on January 15
ColdChef, I am curious about the import of your skit and would like to subscribe to your newsletter. posted by everichon at 1:21 PM on January 15
Once you strip out the scientology jargon, this really doesn't seem all that different from any other celebrity interview in terms of the levels of vapidity and narcissistic craziness. Like I can imagine that a televised conversation with some reality TV winner about Christianity might sound pretty similar, if they let it drag on for 10 minutes. posted by whir at 1:22 PM on January 15
His career must be in trouble. I guess that means we can look forward to Bagger Vance 2: The Vancening.
Uh? Will Smith is probably the single most bankable star in hollywood right now. The guy is a license to print money. posted by Justinian at 1:26 PM on January 15
Y’know, I used to think, when reading H.P Lovecraft, that it was entirely implausible that someone would worship Cthulu or any of the Great Old Ones.
Now, not so much.
The most merciful thing in the world may be the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents.
Tragic when observed from the outside though. posted by Smedleyman at 1:35 PM on January 15 [3 favorites]
Uh? Will Smith is probably the single most bankable star in hollywood right now.
Ssshhh. Some people are very comfortable in the cocoon of unreality they've constructed for themselves. posted by yerfatma at 1:36 PM on January 15
This is not very interesting. If I wanted to hear someone wax poetic about their faith this opening answers that don't give me much of an idea about what their beliefs really are, I would just go listen to Believer's Voice of Victory. flagged. posted by parmanparman at 1:37 PM on January 15
Dear Richard Linklater,
A satire of Scientology directed by you and starring a manic Ethan Hawke would be hilarious. Please consider.
I'll one up you- David Cronenberg and J.G. Ballard should collaborate on a sequel to Crash, all about an epidemic among young girls that causes them to uncontrollably seek out Tom Cruise and cause nearby car accidents in the hope that they'll get a "touch assist". It will become a watershed role for Ben Stiller. posted by mkultra at 1:37 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]
I think that he could be a very interesting subject on what a cult or a religion could possibily do to a person ; let's exploit his celebrity to warn people of the
dangers of paying attention to rambling nonsense and believe blindly any shit that is being said, expecially if it is arcane and misterious and nonsensical.
(Ok ok I know, religions don't have secrete levels and secret mumbo jumbo, it's all over the place and churches don't necessarily charge upfront. But you haven't experienced how twisted some self proclaimed catholics are) posted by elpapacito at 1:44 PM on January 15
if Scientology contains the answers to all of society's ills, how come its holy writ looks like an exercise-equipment infomercial?
Completely agree.
Christianity: The Messiah, Pilgrim's Progress, B Minor Mass, Verdi's Requiem, Paradise Lost
Scientology: Battlefield Earth and this video.
(And what have the Pastafarians done recently, eh?) posted by athenian at 1:48 PM on January 15 [2 favorites]
You know who else had palpable energy?
Energy beings from Planet 14?
My first guess was Adolf Hitler. posted by Meatbomb at 1:52 PM on January 15
It's sad when this post about a ranting, weird little man gets almost one hundred posts while the one two posts down about blogging Iraqis in Iraq think has absolutely NO comments. posted by ZaneJ. at 1:55 PM on January 15 [2 favorites]
Scientology: Battlefield Earth and this video.
(And what have the Pastafarians done recently, eh?)
Battlefield Earth is one of my guilty, guilty pleasures. I've read the book like six times. And I'm having pasta for dinner. Besides embarrassed and full, what does that make me? posted by OmieWise at 1:55 PM on January 15
Scientology is the George Foreman grill of the Western Mystery Tradition. posted by bunnytricks at 2:07 PM on January 15 [13 favorites]
It's sad when this post about a ranting, weird little man gets almost one hundred posts while the one two posts down about blogging Iraqis in Iraq think has absolutely NO comments.
To be fair, we talked about that exact blog last year. The new one is essentially a self-acknowledged double post, except a NYRB blurb for the blog is added. There's not much really new to say. posted by languagehat at 2:08 PM on January 15
Wow. He talks about looking forward to 'reading about SPs in the history books'. Pretty disturbing, right there. posted by delmoi at 2:08 PM on January 15 [2 favorites]
Still not as out-there as the Mormon temple workers known as "The Handlers" and "The Fondlers". posted by Brocktoon at 2:09 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]
Battlefield Earth is one of my guilty, guilty pleasures. I've read the book like six times. And I'm having pasta for dinner. Besides embarrassed and full, what does that make me?
Y’know, I used to think, when reading H.P Lovecraft, that it was entirely implausible that someone would worship Cthulu or any of the Great Old Ones.
Now, not so much.
Neil Gaiman likes to tell the story of being on a panel about Lovecraft and having an old man stand up and proclaim his theory that the Elder Gods used Lovecraft as a vessel to communicate the truth of their existence to the world. posted by Pope Guilty at 2:10 PM on January 15 [2 favorites]
I wanted to be a Scientologist, but my credit rating wasn't high enough. posted by absalom at 2:14 PM on January 15 [2 favorites]
Scientology is the George Foreman grill of the Western Mystery Tradition.
That's a terrible thing to say about poor George Foreman. All the man ever wanted to do was help people make a tasty meal quicker and easier. And he delivered on that promise.
Nah, Scientology's one of those weird Thighmaster gadgets that claims to be enhancing your abs when in the end all you really get is chronic back pain and then your class-action suit gets summarily dismissed before trial because the judge was bought off, and then you go back home and try to throw the goddamn thing out and trip over it and break your wrist, and then when you finally get the piece of shit to the curb you get fined for littering, and then you're laid up broke and jobless and your TV goes on the fritz and the only channel it gets shows Cocktail twice every night, so on top of everything else you're stuck with Coughlin's Assinine Laws clanging in your ears, though at least you get to see Elisabeth Shue in a bathing suit for a second or two. That's Scientology. posted by gompa at 2:20 PM on January 15 [32 favorites]
Tom Cruise poking me after I faceplant the dashboard would be about as entertaining as the Christian Science Paramedics who arrive in their Mary Baker Eddy powered ambulance to do absolutely nothing. posted by moonbird at 2:22 PM on January 15 [8 favorites]
What is the deal with that, exactly? He was born with just one front tooth, and the one next to it was capped, and it ended up looking like they were all shifted over one?
I would tell you, but Tom Cruse actually threatened to sue Metafilter when one of the posters here hypothesized about it. posted by delmoi at 2:22 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]
I think he makes some really good points and that everyone here should put aside their often ill informed preconceptions about Scientology and hahahahhahahahhahahahhahaha. posted by rhymer at 2:23 PM on January 15 [7 favorites]
if tom cruise sired a cyclops baby, it would appear indistinguishable from cthulhu. it would also be stylin' in cutting edge sunglasses (sunglass?) just like its dad. posted by bruce at 2:23 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]
if tom cruise sired a cyclops baby, it would appear indistinguishable from cthulhu. it would also be stylin' in cutting edge sunglasses (sunglass?) just like its dad.
Best thing to do with Scis? Let them give you their pitch and then ask innocently "So it's a little like psychoanalysis then?" posted by A189Nut at 2:28 PM on January 15 [19 favorites]
What is the deal with that, exactly? He was born with just one front tooth, and the one next to it was capped, and it ended up looking like they were all shifted over one?
I think this is a verboten topic. All the fires of hell and Xenu were almost rained down upon Metafilter, annhilating all of us in a furious inferno. posted by Justinian at 2:28 PM on January 15
Actually (to nitpick), the most bankable star in Hollywood these days is Matt Damon, not Will Smith.
But Tom Cruise? Yeah, he's nuts. posted by misha at 2:33 PM on January 15
A satire of Scientology directed by you and starring a manic Ethan Hawke would be hilarious. Please consider.
I'm so glad I wasn't the only one who got that vibe from the video. I kept getting distracted by how much he resembled a slightly chubby, coked-up Ethan Hawke. posted by LeeJay at 2:43 PM on January 15
I've liked a lot of his movies. He plays characters in those movies, not himself. His personal wackiness has little or nothing to do with those characters.
The Ross Jeffries parody in "Magnolia" that item refers to above, is one of Cruise's best ever parts, IMO, second only to the assassin in Collateral. Cruise plays a great villain, maybe because he looks so .. un-villainous. (Not that the character in Magnolia's a villain as such, he's very dislikable, but a 'flawed person' rather than a villain.) posted by aeschenkarnos at 2:52 PM on January 15
Actually (to nitpick), the most bankable star in Hollywood these days is Matt Damon, not Will Smith.
Actually (to nitpick your nitpick), Matt Damon movies gross the most as a multiplier of his salary. But that doesn't mean they gross the most in absolute terms.
Looks at it this way; If you pay Matt Damon $4million and his movie grosses $100million, that's $25 per $1 of salary. If you pay Will Smith $20million and his movie grosses $200million, that's $10 per $1 of salary. But you've still made more money on the Will Smith movie. (Obviously you really need to know the total budgets to calculate this, but let's keep it simple). posted by Justinian at 2:52 PM on January 15
DU: ""When you're a Scientologist, and you drive by an accident, you know you have to do something about it, because you know you're the only one who can really help... We are the way to happiness. We can bring peace and unite cultures."
1) Yes, nutjobby.
2) Christians say the exact same thing.
3) conclusion omitted for student edification"
-----------
Actually, Tom, Steven Fishman (google video of his deposition: fascinating stuff!) is the way to unite half the planet, he being Jesus' true father (the masturbating pervert). I guess Tom Cruise and the other celebs get the other half. posted by symbioid at 2:53 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]
I soooo want to be an SP. Or a PTS; I really like the ring of that. Is there somewhere I can sign up posted by Bovine Love at 2:55 PM on January 15
Energy beings from Planet 14?
My first guess was Adolf Hitler.
Oh, one of those ignorant fuckfaces who think there's a difference. Off to the thetan-scrubbers with you, Xenu-lover.
That's a terrible thing to say about poor George Foreman. All the man ever wanted to do was help people make a tasty meal quicker and easier.
You don't get to hear about the fat until level XXII of Leanmeanfatreducinggrillingmachineology.
If you would care to send $30,000.00 then that should get you started. posted by Reggie Knoble at 3:01 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]
Lord John Whorfin: Where are we going?
The Red Lectroids: Planet Ten!
Lord John Whorfin: When?
The Red Lectroids: Real soon! posted by willmize at 3:03 PM on January 15 [3 favorites]
... and the Star Trek fanfic that will entually fill up all the internet.
How do you know about this? You weren't supposed to know about this!
What is the deal with that, exactly? He was born with just one front tooth, and the one next to it was capped, and it ended up looking like they were all shifted over one?
Quiet! You'll summon Him-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named! posted by Krrrlson at 3:13 PM on January 15
I noticed that Bill O'Reilly has also been going on lately about "SP's." Maybe Mr. Cruise has finally gotten to the big Bill-O? posted by washburn at 3:31 PM on January 15
Whoa was there really the threat of litigation over talking about Cruise's teeth? posted by damn dirty ape at 3:35 PM on January 15
What's this Tom Cruise got against the SP's? He must be a poor sport! posted by maryh at 3:38 PM on January 15
Just for info: I was the one who started the MeTa thread, mentioned in one of the links above, asking where the infamous post had gone. I asked out of innocent curiosity, not a desire to start a shitstorm. Fairly soon afterwards, the poster of the original comment emailed me and politely asked that I get that thread killed. I agreed, I emailed Matt & Jess, & my MeTa post was pulled. For my part, there was no great conspiracy involved. posted by Pinback at 3:38 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]
Wow. I missed all the 'THE COMMENT' stuff. Cheers for the catch up. posted by Frasermoo at 3:40 PM on January 15
Pinback: It's okay, we understand. I'd to the same if the squicky tentacles of Xenu were threatening to choke the life out of me, my sweaty hands dancing above the keyboard in SHEER TERROR! posted by moonbird at 3:41 PM on January 15
Still not as out-there as the Mormon temple workers known as "The Handlers" and "The Fondlers".
Citation or links? My family is/was Mormon and I've never heard of this - and I'm pretty familiar with it. posted by loquacious at 3:51 PM on January 15
Nah. Neither Xenu nor Tom Cruise frighten me. On the other hand, ...
Shit. D'y'know how hard it is to find a celebrity who both a) icks me out, and b) isn't touched by the taint of 'tology?
I know that last post came across as a bit robotic & PR-speak but, as I swear upon my holy model of a wingless DC-9, there's nothing more dramatic to that part of it. Would it convince you if I started a-hootin' and a-hollerin' and a-jumpin' over chairs and such? ;-) posted by Pinback at 4:00 PM on January 15
You bunch of wogs posted by nola at 4:13 PM on January 15
This is probably a pretty obvious opinion of the video, but:
I'm moderately familiar with FACS, with basic-to-intermediate psychology, with acting methods and techniques - and I have damn fine intuition.
The hair on my neck is literally standing - bristling. It's rather obvious that he's lying - there's a number of clues, the sideways glances, the faked "recall glance" and faked earnestess above and beyond the applied acting - but there's something more there. It's almost like he's under duress, that he's being coerced or something.
My analysis is that he doesn't actually want to be there, making that video. It's fairly well suppressed, but it feels to me like there's an anger seething just below the surface. There's barbs of it directed directly at the camera a few times - I can see it in his eyes.
Freaky science fiction shit, man. The future isn't what it used to be.
Am I the only one outraged by all this talk about "suppressive persons" from some org that's best known for going around with an army of lawyers and, er, suppressing the shit out of people? No?
Hey, Mr. Cruise? No one out here cares if you're gay or not, really. They'll only care if you do. posted by loquacious at 4:31 PM on January 15 [20 favorites]
His sincerity was rather compelling.
Aww hell, lets all go batshitinsane! posted by Iron Rat at 4:33 PM on January 15
doesn't really sound all that different from a christian or a mormon talking about his beliefs. posted by Espoo2 at 4:42 PM on January 15
*puts on Seger, dances in underwear* posted by jonmc at 4:57 PM on January 15
wow, i didn't know about the comment, how very interesting. posted by sleep_walker at 5:06 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]
I know it's unfashionable here, but Scientology, insane-sounding as it is, doesn't make less sense than Mormonism (the Garden of Eden in Missouri?), Hinduism (the elephant god?), or, you know, Christianity (dead men who come back to life after three days and fly up to outer space like Superman?). it really doesn't.
and frankly, lame as he is, Tom Cruise is not more annoying than the Pope (they do display the same contempt for science, this I concede). and he's not more intolerant than your average, pissed-off Saudi mullah. posted by matteo at 5:10 PM on January 15
Those of us, like me, who live under rocks often misunderstand exotic but heavily favorited Metafilter comments. After reading about Nicole Kidman's failed pregnancies in THE COMMENT, I believe I understand the "clam up" allusion.
and frankly, lame as he is, Tom Cruise is not more annoying than the Pope
I'm totally for the evil rat faced pope doing the hysterical couch dance on Oprah. I wonder if Tom has his own special scientology pope hat too? posted by cytherea at 6:16 PM on January 15
matteowrites"I know it's unfashionable here, but Scientology, insane-sounding as it is, doesn't make less sense than Mormonism (the Garden of Eden in Missouri?), Hinduism (the elephant god?), or, you know, Christianity (dead men who come back to life after three days and fly up to outer space like Superman?). it really doesn't."
The difference is that there is a strong spiritual component to the religions you mention, and there is a clearly defined spiritual path. None of them require your money as a condition of practicing the religion. None of them are pop psychology masquerading as a church, either. BTW, reducing Hinduism to "elephant god" is pretty sad. posted by krinklyfig at 6:24 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]
Wow, symbioid, I never knew Buster Bluth was a Scientologist. posted by stammer at 6:31 PM on January 15
Astro Zombie notes it's not really the Mission Impossible theme; I'll note that it's heretically shoehorned from 5/4 into 4/4 time using almost exactly the same modifications as the version by the rhythm section of U2 from the remake. It's so close that I don't think they're so safe from copyright issues.
Me and my friend are thinking of doing an instrumental dis track to the U2 version--in 3/4 time. posted by abcde at 6:35 PM on January 15
The difference is that Mormons and Hindus aren't trying to Take Over The World.
Scientology is. They have infiltrated governments to do so. posted by five fresh fish at 6:43 PM on January 15
As of yesterday, I Am Legend had made $240,869,820.
Wait ...what? posted by deborah at 6:54 PM on January 15
My analysis is that he doesn't actually want to be there, making that video. It's fairly well suppressed, but it feels to me like there's an anger seething just below the surface. There's barbs of it directed directly at the camera a few times - I can see it in his eyes.
If this is the case, I wonder what he did between -7:44 and -7:11 that had to be blacked out! posted by anazgnos at 6:55 PM on January 15
"Is he as crazy as he appears to be?", my kid's response was "He may be one of the smartest people that I've met in the movie business . He's the only person I've ever encountered who, when you walk into a room he's in, has a palpable energy."
This was from someone who isn't all that impressed with the star quality, he deals with that on a regular basis. So, I don't know how to put that impression alongside the somewhat odd stuff that we see and hear, but I know I trust my son's opinions about people... "
Your son would be correct. He is a nice guy.
The "odd stuff" you see and hear are insecure, miserable people who will jump at any opportunity to make themselves feel superior to a rich, famous, good-looking individual.
It is this insecurity, jealousy and anger which drives the very lucrative tabloid celebrity news industry. posted by wfc123 at 6:56 PM on January 15
It's fairly well suppressed, but it feels to me like there's an anger seething just below the surface.
Well, living under, and especially committing to and thriving under, something that amounts to hypnosis levels of denial of rationality and social mores does make one a bit glitchy. posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 7:09 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]
wfc123 Needs A Vacation | Metafilter - Mozilla Firefox posted by micayetoca at 7:09 PM on January 15
Your son would be correct. He is a nice guy.
The "odd stuff" you see and hear are insecure, miserable people who will jump at any opportunity to make themselves feel superior to a rich, famous, good-looking individual.
It is this insecurity, jealousy and anger which drives the very lucrative tabloid celebrity news industry.
Tom, please let Katie go free from your mind control rays! posted by cytherea at 7:17 PM on January 15
Quick question: why are AV Club comments so retarded, given the general intelligence of the AV Club?
God, thank you. I thought I was the only one who'd noticed. And it's nice to see Nick Denton take a bit of a stand on keeping the video up at his site. posted by mediareport at 7:23 PM on January 15
krinklyfig write: The difference is that there is a strong spiritual component to the religions you mention, and there is a clearly defined spiritual path. None of them require your money as a condition of practicing the religion.
Well, try getting an invite into the Mormon temple without paying a tithe (which literally means 10%). Not to mention your level of heaven is directly tied to this. So maybe you can practice for free, but I wouldn't agree that your standing in the religious community (and afterlife) is completely irrelevant to monetary concerns. posted by Crash at 7:28 PM on January 15
I'M IN UR THETANS AUDITING UR ENGRAMS posted by crowman at 7:28 PM on January 15
Crashwrites"Well, try getting an invite into the Mormon temple without paying a tithe (which literally means 10%). Not to mention your level of heaven is directly tied to this. So maybe you can practice for free, but I wouldn't agree that your standing in the religious community (and afterlife) is completely irrelevant to monetary concerns."
Most of the people that the Church of Scientology recruits are people who cannot afford their expensive services, with the exception of their celebrity cadre. This is not a 10% tithe. This is going deep into debt with the Church, then signing a contract with them to pay it off - that usually doesn't happen, so a person will remain in indentured servitude to the church, sometimes running businesses that the church helps set up. For instance, a friend of mine ended up owing them tens of thousands of dollars within the first six months, and was running a BluBlocker stand on the beach to pay it off. She never will, because she will continue to need "auditing," costing thousands of dollars using a bogus sort of lie detector, pretty much until the day she dies. Unless she decides to leave, and then they will pursue the contract's terms in court and attempt to make it very difficult for her to live independently of them. There is no revelation. The spiritual ideal that Hubbard invented is a lie. Nobody is "clear." All it is is an elaborate scheme to take your money.
Mormonism is creepy to me, but it has to do with their own sort of secrecy. It is not the same thing as Scientology. It's a pretty strange modern sect of Christianity, but it's not the pseudo-scientific concoction of a charismatic sci-fi writer on a lark. posted by krinklyfig at 7:39 PM on January 15 [9 favorites]
The "odd stuff" you see and hear are insecure, miserable people who will jump at any opportunity to make themselves feel superior to a rich, famous, good-looking individual.
Um. Did you actually look at the link we're discussing? Can you actually watch that video and not think that Tom Cruise is exceedingly odd? posted by lupus_yonderboy at 7:52 PM on January 15
loquacious, the Apostles have a China/Google like grip on details this sacred. Did you also know that if you touch "the package" on the Brigham Young statue in Temple Square, you're immediately tackled by Tongan security guards and sent to the LDS version of Gitmo (at or near Magna, UT)? I've revealed too much already, but know this: the LDS make great romantic comedies (now playing at a single's ward near you). posted by Brocktoon at 7:54 PM on January 15
I wonder what he did between -7:44 and -7:11 that had to be blacked out!
Unicorn, Scientology's been gaming search engines for a long, long time:
In the early days of the World Wide Web, Scientology attempted a similar strategy to make finding websites critical of the organization more difficult. Scientology employed Web designers to write thousands of Web pages for their site, thus flooding early search engines.[15] This problem was solved by the innovation of clustering responses from the same Web server, showing no more than the top two results from any one site (e.g. Google)...
On the other side of the battle, many Web-page developers...linked the words "Dianetics" and "Scientology" to Operation Clambake. This resulted in the anti-Scientology site having the highest Google index on the term for a while, which in turn resulted in Scientology persuading Google to remove links to the site until international outcry led to the links being restored. This might be considered an early example of a Google bomb, and certainly has led to interesting questions about the power and obligations of Internet search providers. posted by mediareport at 9:44 PM on January 15 [2 favorites]
"Your son would be correct. He is a nice guy." - posted by wfc123
Makes it all the worse then, dunnit?
" 'What is the deal with that, exactly? He was born with just one front tooth, and the one next to it was capped, and it ended up looking like they were all shifted over one?'
'Quiet! You'll summon Him-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!'"
Bevets is a scientologist!?
You know, I might go through a lot of crap to see Elisabeth Shue in a bathing suit, but this suing over the teeth thing - "Tom Cruse actually threatened to sue Metafilter when one of the posters here hypothesized about it" - I'm with loquacious, that really pisses me off. Even if that, specifically, isn't true, plenty of evidence they do lawyer up and suppress folks, damned irritating whether they're a real religion or not.
...why would religious folks have a problem if someone had/has a birth defect? Hell, look at Moses.
If anything, having a problem and overcoming it and having the success he's had would make me respect him more. That and the having kids thing - oh, no, he had to adopt because he's infertile, BFD. Adoption is a great way to have kids. (Oh, might be a bit of a problem if it's a serial thing or to advance a career or something, but done in earnest it's quite laudable.)
Buddy of mine in the service was a mormon. All he mentioned about it was that he didn't like talking about religion. And he was a pretty nice guy. He'd have me over for dinner, watch t.v., play ball with his kids and stuff, (gets pretty crummy for single military dudes sometimes).
Pretty much all fanatics = all fanatics.
Too much thinking about and trying to force life into how it should be, not enough facing it as it is.
I pity the guy. He's got more money, fame, etc., but we aren't covered by the same sky nor do we walk the same Earth.
Meh. Not much I can do about it. He's way waaaay too insulated. posted by Smedleyman at 10:00 PM on January 15 [2 favorites]
I'm only half way through. But if he says "OK?" one more time...
My thetans will explodezorz... posted by Windopaene at 10:24 PM on January 15
Unicorn on the cobwrites"I shudder to think what will happen when the Scientologists mine the pure gold that is SEO..."
They did that in the '90s, getting a leg up on almost everyone else. They created a large network of websites that represented the different branches of their operations, like Narconon, their version of drug rehab. Then they created a separate page for each church member, with links to many of the church sites. This created a glut of links to Scientology sites when doing searches on the engines that spidered, to an almost ridiculous degree. Their goal was to shut out sites that might be critical by spamming the spiders. They were pretty web savvy back then. But their hyper-sensitivity to criticism and overzealous pursuit of their detractors lead to a life on the Internet that has not always been rosy. posted by krinklyfig at 10:42 PM on January 15
Ah, mediareport beat me to it. posted by krinklyfig at 10:43 PM on January 15
Eugene Kittridge: I understand you're very enturbulated.
Ethan Hunt: Kittridge, you've never seen me very enturbulated. posted by Tacodog at 11:15 PM on January 15
If this is the case, I wonder what he did between -7:44 and -7:11 that had to be blacked out!
Went back in time? posted by Tuatara at 12:53 AM on January 16
Went back in time?
Congratulations! You're not a nerd!
reverse mm:ss timecode notation counts down to end of track. -2:00 is one minute before -1:00 , chronologically. posted by loquacious at 2:21 AM on January 16
But that still doesn't mean he didn't go back in time to, er, feed. posted by loquacious at 2:22 AM on January 16
The "odd stuff" you see and hear are insecure, miserable people
SP's, every single one of us. You should probably disconnect, wfc123. In case you become enturbulated too. posted by PeterMcDermott at 3:32 AM on January 16
None of them require your money as a condition of practicing the religion.
Krinkly, you're overstating the case. Not only do pretty much all of the established religions require money from their followers, their tax exemptions mean that the rest of us (in the U.S., at least) subsidize them, too. So yes, they do require my money as a condition of their practicing their religion. posted by Kirth Gerson at 4:46 AM on January 16 [1 favorite]
I just don't get the hatin', I really don't. Of all the evils Scientology is supposed to have committed, they don't touch ANY of those committed by ANY of the other organized religions.
Next, of all the nuttiness that Scientology is supposed to believe, once again this nuttiness doesn't touch ANY of the nuttiness from the other organized regions. Seriously. WTF?
Lastly, Scientology's willingness to take on organized medicine is an UNEQUIVOCAL social good. Did you read the post on the lobotomy? Do you think they've totally changed their ways? Scratch that. I'm putting worship of the AMA on the list with all the other crazy worship. Scientology has clearly done less harm than the AMA has. READ THE LOBOTOMY LINK AGAIN and realize that THERE ARE NO ISOLATE INCIDENTS in social institutions.
Frick. I'm pretty confident that most of the posters are pots calling kettles black and they aren't even serious about helping other people. I don't know. You are all so disappointing. If there was a sheep contest, you would all come in second.
I'm going to Metatalk. You've pushed me that far. Ridiculous. posted by ewkpates at 4:55 AM on January 16 [1 favorite]
After watching the video, I realize that I really WANT TO HELP. Where do I sign up? posted by leftcoastbob at 5:08 AM on January 16
Of all the evils Scientology is supposed to have committed, they don't touch ANY of those committed by ANY of the other organized religions.
Horseshit. This is the 21st century. Any religion that goes naming people as "Suppressive Persons" who have no rights and "may be deprived of property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed." is one FUCKLOAD (hey, I can yell too) of an evil religion.
I don't know what point you think you're making here about other religions, but it's wrong. Scientology in the modern world is nakedly evil in ways other religions are not. posted by mediareport at 5:24 AM on January 16 [3 favorites]
HuronBob: ... my kid's response was "He may be one of the smartest people that I've met in the movie business . He's the only person I've ever encountered who, when you walk into a room he's in, has a palpable energy."
This is typical of people with clinical mania and certain forms of schizophrenia. posted by lodurr at 5:59 AM on January 16
smedleyman: Buddy of mine in the service was a mormon. All he mentioned about it was that he didn't like talking about religion.
Mormonism may be prima facie whacky, but I've never had anything but good dealings with mormons. They seem to actually give a crap at a cultural level about ethics. Even their door to door missionaries are unfailingly courteous. posted by lodurr at 6:21 AM on January 16 [1 favorite]
ewkpates, what I hear you saying is "other orgs have done bad stuff so Scientology doesn't deserved to be called out for its bad stuff."
Which would be, from an ethical standpoint, indefensible. posted by lodurr at 6:30 AM on January 16
OK I've finally watched the video & I want to add some context. This was shot for the IAS (International Association of Scientologists) New Year Event, which is somewhere between the Academy Awards & the Soviet Union's May Day celebration except for Scientologists. It's beamed via satellite to every Org & Mission that has a dish & shipped out on DVD to any that don't (attendance is effectively mandatory, both staff & publics (clients)), so it's the one event almost every Scientologist worldwide is guaranteed to see.
Since Scientology is simultaneously almost as paranoid & secretive as Dick Cheney & more obsessed with proving how successful they are through meaningless statistics than No Child Left Behind, the Event is an invaluable window into what's changed inside the cult since last year's Event. Who got promoted or demoted, who's been turned into an UnPerson, any successes they want to crow about or failures they've figured out a spin for, whether they've figured out a new metric that shows how the cult is growing when they're really shrinking (like the year they switched from "number of members" to "number of groups", that was brilliant - how many people in a group?), that sort of thing.
This specific video looks like Tom was given some sort of award for wonderfulness in furthering the cause of the cult, which was presented at the event kind of like a Lifetime Achievement award at the Oscars. Presumably the other videos pulled from Google were other excerpts from the Event. posted by scalefree at 6:37 AM on January 16 [6 favorites]
I guess we were wrong about there being no scientologists here eh? posted by puke & cry at 6:58 AM on January 16
The main reason Scientology hasn't done much bad stuff is that it's new and small. We have to give them time to grow into their evil. After all, Christianity started with the apostles, not the crusades. posted by jacquilynne at 7:14 AM on January 16 [2 favorites]
My favorite IAS Event stunt was the infamous "headless man caper". The Event is held every year on New Year's Eve at the Shrine Auditorium in LA. One year they released some PR pictures of the crowd that one observer noted looked somewhat odd. Due to declining numbers there were some gaps in the crowd, which some embarrassed & enterprising staffer attempted to cover over. With Photoshop. Badly. Hilarity ensued. posted by scalefree at 7:14 AM on January 16 [1 favorite]
Kirth Gersonwrites"Krinkly, you're overstating the case. Not only do pretty much all of the established religions require money from their followers, their tax exemptions mean that the rest of us (in the U.S., at least) subsidize them, too. So yes, they do require my money as a condition of their practicing their religion."
Do they put you into debt and have you sign a contract to pay it off, which ends up being revolving debt for a lifetime? If so, do you think that's OK? posted by krinklyfig at 7:17 AM on January 16
...revolving debt for a lifetime?
Don't you mean "6 billion years" or something? posted by lodurr at 7:25 AM on January 16
Lastly, Scientology's willingness to take on organized medicine is an UNEQUIVOCAL social good. Did you read the post on the lobotomy? Do you think they've totally changed their ways? Scratch that. I'm putting worship of the AMA on the list with all the other crazy worship. Scientology has clearly done less harm than the AMA has. READ THE LOBOTOMY LINK AGAIN and realize that THERE ARE NO ISOLATE INCIDENTS in social institutions.
There's nothing wrong with being a bottom, Tom. Just try to relax. posted by cytherea at 7:29 AM on January 16 [2 favorites]
Kirth Gersonwrites"Krinkly, you're overstating the case. Not only do pretty much all of the established religions require money from their followers"
You know, I went to Presbyterian church and a couple different Catholic churches when i was a kid. We gave when the plate was passed around, but there was no requirement to do so in any real sense. If you were broke and didn't have anything to put in, it's OK. That's not true of the CoS. Their services have fixed prices and are required to join and continue in the religion, on a very regular basis. I don't know of any other church which is so blatantly a business with a financing plan and contract. posted by krinklyfig at 7:39 AM on January 16
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