Comments on: LOLHORRIBLEDEVELOPERS WHOHAPPENTOBEXTIANS WHOENDUPSCREWINGUPBOTH

LOLHORRIBLEDEVELOPERS WHOHAPPENTOBEXTIANS WHOENDUPSCREWINGUPBOTH

tittergrrl — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 13:24:07 -0800

What if the Devil tricked a well-meaning computer developer into making a horrendous animal racing game? (cringeworthy YouTube link) Now we know! Yes, Cougar Interactive has a product for you. Zoo Race! The biblical flood is over, and with hardly any people around, what's Noah, God, and the animals gonna do? Why, RACE of course! The game features compelling voice work, top flight graphics, and of course... animals straddling on rockets. And to top it all off, God is the announcer! It was the best 2007 had to offer, and it's still available... so, like their web site says.. Buy the FUN game that the big game companies would not ever make. (as found at Kotaku)

Please understand, this has nothing to do with Christianity or anything. More the UNHOLY combination that was the result. Oh, did you know it was a sequel?

By: CitrusFreak12

CitrusFreak12 — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 13:30:08 -0800

Pigs.... IN TOP HATS!

By: aramaic

aramaic — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 13:30:56 -0800

Oh my poor dear Blasphemy...whatever happened to you dude? You used to be all about ecclesiastic schisms, rogue monks, heretical prophets, the whole nine yards! Now you're reduced to doing video games?

By: itchylick

itchylick — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 13:34:08 -0800

I would love to play, but there's now way my video card can handle all those polygons.

By: Cyrano

Cyrano — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 13:34:29 -0800

BIBLICAL FAIL.

By: itchylick

itchylick — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 13:34:30 -0800

NO way (It's been a long day).

By: CaptApollo

CaptApollo — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 13:36:10 -0800

God sounds like my college roommate after too many quaaludes.

By: verb

verb — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 13:37:52 -0800

"As head Librarian, I suggest that you read informative books, about history. Like... CREATURE RACING, and CUTE PIGS."

By: WinnipegDragon

WinnipegDragon — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 13:37:57 -0800

GUYS! I think someone put acid in my LSD!

By: Astro Zombie

Astro Zombie — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 13:38:12 -0800

God really does suck as a race announcer. At last we find the limits of His powers. And Ruben? Stop reading your crazy animal books. They're causing you to hurry behind desks and, if I understood the sound effect correctly, quickly urinate.

By: delmoi

delmoi — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 13:39:07 -0800

The shadows on that 'librarian's head make her look like a dude.

By: dobbs

dobbs — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 13:42:55 -0800

When's it coming to the wii?

By: uncleozzy

uncleozzy — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 13:43:11 -0800

Please tell me that nobody got paid to make this, that their only reward is in the hereafter.

By: notsnot

notsnot — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 13:44:19 -0800

What? the Fuck?

By: BeerFilter

BeerFilter — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 13:45:10 -0800

Great post! Hallelujah!

By: box

box — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 13:46:43 -0800

I can't imagine it's much worse than TuxRacer.

By: Atreides

Atreides — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 13:47:02 -0800

Incidentally, creature racing was forbidden in the original commandments, but was loss after Moses broke 'em.

By: Mr_Zero

Mr_Zero — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 13:51:39 -0800

Ha... Remind me of a video I saw the other night. Joe Rogan's take on Noahs Ark (nsfw language).

By: maryh

maryh — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 13:52:34 -0800

"Oh Rueben, you read too many books." What the hell kind of librarian says that?! BTW, is that a flush toilet behind the librarian's desk? Maybe a flush baptismal?

By: CKmtl

CKmtl — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 13:58:21 -0800

"Rue"ben's hand does an Exorcist-style 360 at the wrist around the 55 second mark... Had the graphics been better, that might've freaked me out.

By: hanoixan

hanoixan — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 13:58:51 -0800

I think Viva Pinata Party Animals has some 'splaining to do.

By: misha

misha — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 14:00:56 -0800

Librarians aren't horses. They're wolves! And they should have used this tiger.

By: The Giant Squid

The Giant Squid — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 14:10:39 -0800

I think I lost it when Cain the Cougar paused, while swimming under the blood-red-sky, and took a quick gander at the Velociraptor traipsing by on the path to the left. As in, "well, you don't see that every day.

By: Plutor

Plutor — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 14:11:08 -0800

Come on, no references to Gamespot's Alex Navarro reviews Big Rigs?

By: shmegegge

shmegegge — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 14:16:39 -0800

oh god, that noah video for Noah's Adventures... Apparently they animated the mouths first for dialogue, and then tried to speak to match the mouth movements. "Whyyyy... Doooo they....... Fffffiiiii... ight constantlyyyyyyy."

By: desjardins

desjardins — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 14:19:15 -0800

dude, you managed to fuck up my google reader. Try the spacebar.

By: Free word order!

Free word order! — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 14:22:52 -0800

That's what Second Life would look like if there were perverts.

By: Wolfdog

Wolfdog — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 14:23:28 -0800

It has been observed, but bears repeating, that someone appears to have taken a perfectly good top hat and put a pig in it.

By: robocop is bleeding

robocop is bleeding — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 14:27:05 -0800

Okay, you fucks, stop laughing. When my Grampa Reuben had his stroke, all he had going for him to fill his days was his animal books and the public library. Every day, he would shuffle down to the library to read his books and talk to people. And race. It kept him alive, you heartless bastards, it kept him happy. So what if the head librarian had to chase him around the library? So what if, as his dementia progressed, he started referring to other people as animals? I mean, there are worse things in the world then a harmless old man approaching you, calling you a "nice horsey," and giving you a sugar cube from his coat pocket! But NO! It's intolerant JERKS like you and the Mom that complained when Grampa Rueben started petting her daughter and asked her if the soft little bunny would like to find a carrot in his pocket. Thanks to you lot, my poor confused Grampa got banned from the library and the books and the stacks racing he loved so much. It broke his heart, bastards. So now he just sits at home all day in front of the old computer I gave him a few years ago. He works and works on his special "project" with only his Day Nurse Hannah to keep him company. When I was last down in Florida, I paid him a visit and he's a shadow - A SHADOW! - of his former self. To see a fine man fall from the lofty hights of being a computer science professor down to... to that just breaks my heart. So your laughter is not helpful. Dicks.

By: nola

nola — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 14:27:56 -0800

All day long I work in the cold and wet Tennessee weather hanging sheetrock, hands cracking from the winter bite, back breaking from the endless workload, the constant sound of hammers ringing , and power tools screaming their guts out; I come home crack open a beer and this is the first link I click on Mefi. I need a vacation.

By: Deathalicious

Deathalicious — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 14:29:26 -0800

In defense of this game, I always thought it would be awesome to make a racing game using animals. Except it would be set in New York, and you could choose one of a number of animals like lions, horses, elephants, etc. And then use a really good engine and stomp through the streets of NYC, crushing taxi cabs under your massive elephant hooves. Lousy LOLATHEIST acting optional.

By: mkultra

mkultra — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 14:32:54 -0800

After laughing and teasing her friend Rueben Hmm... interested... about believing in the Noah's Ark story ... less interested... Hannah the librarian has a dream about it ... MUCH more interested... In her dream, her friends are re-shaped into animals and she herself changes into a racehorse AHHH!! FURRIES!!! DO NOT WANT!!!!!

By: anazgnos

anazgnos — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 14:33:27 -0800

nola wrote: All day long I work in the cold and wet Tennessee weather hanging sheetrock, hands cracking from the winter bite, back breaking from the endless workload, the constant sound of hammers ringing , and power tools screaming their guts out That must be some ark.

By: CitrusFreak12

CitrusFreak12 — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 14:34:11 -0800

Robocop: Your story fails to explain why the pig is wearing a top hat. Other than that, I love you.

By: Plutor

Plutor — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 14:45:18 -0800

Who doesn't like wearing a top hat? Amirite?

By: JHarris

JHarris — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 14:50:07 -0800

There's too much to make fun of! From the animals riding the rockets (is Major "King" Kong a secret character? Yahoo!) to the amazingly stilted opening to the lack of screaming when the Hootmans get turned into animals.... And yet, it still looks about a hundred times more interesting than Generic First-Person Shooter V. At least it's different!

By: nola

nola — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 14:51:32 -0800

That must be some ark. Well yeah, we got a whole mess of animals so you need a really big boat for that.

By: CKmtl

CKmtl — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 14:56:09 -0800

That's what Second Life would look like if there were perverts. If?

By: freshwater_pr0n

freshwater_pr0n — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 15:06:45 -0800

The first minute or so (couldn't get any further, sorry,) wouldn't be out of place in a porno. All that wooden dialogue and stiff acting, you know?

By: robocop is bleeding

robocop is bleeding — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 15:29:21 -0800

Robocop: Your story fails to explain why the pig is wearing a top hat. Other than that, I love you. Grampa was a vaudevillian back in The Day.

By: moonbird

moonbird — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 15:30:54 -0800

I CAN HAS EL1TIST MYSOGYNISTIK VIO7ENT INCONGRVOVS JUSPLAINSTOOPID FAIRY TALE PLZ KTHXBI

By: alby

alby — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 15:32:16 -0800

XTIANS? Really?

By: moonbird

moonbird — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 15:36:30 -0800

Oh, and this is relevant to your interests: great treatment on the story by Hellbound Allee

By: ericb

ericb — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 15:53:33 -0800

"Oh Rueben, you read too many books." What the hell kind of librarian says that?! The kind that prays that Rueben doesn't discover the works of Mendel, Darwin, and Galton, let alone Haldane, Dobzhansky, Hamilton or Mayr. And, lo, heaven above, should that he end up in the media room watching the film version of 'Inherit the Wind.'

By: clevershark

clevershark — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 16:03:47 -0800

Yeah, this is really going to give GTA IV a run for its money!

By: tkchrist

tkchrist — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 16:26:38 -0800

Was this developed by Rod and Todd Flanders?

By: Pyry

Pyry — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 17:14:00 -0800

This feels like a very subtle parody of the tendency of lazy game developers who have exhausted cash-cow franchises to make cart racing games.

By: Legomancer

Legomancer — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 17:52:54 -0800

DANGER: HYDROGEN

By: erikharmon

erikharmon — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 17:56:21 -0800

If God can do anything, why can't he make a good video game?

By: Legomancer

Legomancer — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 18:12:11 -0800

If God can do anything, why can't he make a good video game? Can God make a videogame so awful even He won't play it?

By: gamera

gamera — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 18:27:07 -0800

Librarian: Rue-ban! You're a Rhinoceros! Reuben: CAW!

By: PostIronyIsNotaMyth

PostIronyIsNotaMyth — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 18:52:49 -0800

What if it's all just a giant joke? WOULDN'T THAT BE GREAT GUYS?!

By: First Post

First Post — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 19:24:30 -0800

Anybody got a link to a warez version of this?

By: moonmilk

moonmilk — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 20:35:32 -0800

My first video game was Animal Race on an 1802-based Elf computer with 1/8th K memory. You could place bets on various quadrupeds made of gray pixels the size of cinderblocks and then watch them run across the screen. We played it for hours. I just might have to buy this new sequel.

By: xbonesgt

xbonesgt — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 20:44:19 -0800

So I downloaded and played the demo. It's great, it's even worse than it looks from the youtube clip. I did enjoy the intro splash screen and the sweet powerups in the race itself (did you know that horses can gain power by eating bones?), but I was kinda disappointed that you don't get to play the stage with the cannons and rockets. There's also a movie that plays after you win the race which appears to feature a mute man running in terror while fireworks explode all around him. I'm not really sure what he's all about.

By: Hildago

Hildago — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 20:44:28 -0800

Do you think that Noah had any creature races in those days after the world flood? I mean, did Noah play and have fun with the animals... with racing games?

By: moonbird

moonbird — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 21:16:27 -0800

Grand Theft Ark!

By: Wolfdog

Wolfdog — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 04:42:23 -0800

With the amount of horse-ass footage in that movie, I must say the game seems aptly named.

By: Sparx

Sparx — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 06:04:57 -0800

Three Words: Pony cannon. Awesome.